You clung to Bucky, a desperate grip fueled by fear. The world felt poised to shatter, mirroring the dread that had settled in your chest since learning of his enlistment. A week ago, the news had landed like a physical blow, and the subsequent days had been a blur of quiet tears and strained conversations with Steve.
“If you keep holding me like this, I’ll miss my bus,” Bucky murmured softly, pressing his lips to the crown of your head. Your sniffles were muffled by the rough fabric of his uniform.
“That’s the point,” you whispered, the words snagged by the collar against your lips. He looked impossibly handsome, the boy you’d fallen in love with now a man brimming with purpose, but the dampness blooming on his lapel was a stark reminder of your anguish. You reluctantly loosened your hold, a fresh wave of tears threatening to overwhelm you.
“I won’t be gone long, Darling. Training is only a few weeks, then I get leave,” he promised, leaning down to press a kiss to your lips. The touch felt fragile, a desperate attempt to anchor you to a future he might not return from.
“What do I do if you don’t come back?” The question tore from you, raw and unfiltered. Your eyes burned from weeks of unshed tears, your throat raw from the sob that had finally escaped.
Bucky’s hand came to rest on your cheek, his touch gentle. “Don’t say that,” he began quietly. “I promise you I’ll be home soon.”
“You can’t promise that,” you countered, leaning back from his touch, a desperate plea in your voice. “I saw Penny last week. Her brother was gone for a fortnight, and she got a letter… he was dead, Buck. I can’t imagine… I can’t imagine losing you.”
“Darling,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “I *will* come home to you. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” He leaned down, pressing a final kiss to your lips, his forehead resting against yours for a fleeting moment. Then, with a sharp intake of breath, he turned towards the waiting bus.
Your eyes widened as you hurried after him, watching as he moved down the aisle, his broad shoulders cutting a path through the seated soldiers. You craned your neck, desperate to keep him in sight as he settled into a seat. Reaching up, you tapped lightly against the window, and a familiar laugh bloomed as he looked down at you.
Within seconds, he slid the window open, and you fought back the rising tide of tears. “I love you too, Buck. Be safe,” you called out, your voice trembling.
*Time Skip*
That evening, returning to your apartment, you found Steve waiting on the stoop, knees drawn up to his chest, a shadow of sorrow etched on his face. “Hey,” you murmured, causing him to glance up, a sad, surprised smile gracing his lips.
“Hey,” he answered softly, rising to move out of your way as you unlocked the door. “Bucky said you might want someone to keep you company tonight.”
A soft chuckle escaped you. “He’s such a good guy,” you muttered, pushing away the tears that threatened to spill over. “God, I hate it sometimes.”
Steve’s hand rested on your back as he followed you into the apartment, watching as you fidgeted with anything your hands came into contact with. “He’s doing what he thinks is right. If I could pass the tests, I’d be right there with him,” he offered quietly, and another laugh escaped your lips.
“Don’t do it, Stevie,” you said, turning to face him, your voice laced with desperation. “You’d break my heart. I can’t go through this again, I just can’t.” You wiped at your eyes, the tears threatening to overwhelm you.
“Y/N, those Germans are bad guys, and someone needs to stop them.”
“Why does it have to be you?” you cried out, your voice rising. “Why Bucky? Why us?”
“Bucky has never been one to let the bullies win, neither of us have. You knew that when you first met us.”
“I know,” you whispered, your voice so soft it was almost lost in the silence. Steve simply offered a tight-lipped smile.
“You ought to get some sleep. You must be exhausted.” You nodded, gesturing around the living room. “Feel free to stay on the couch. It’ll be nice to wake up to company.”
*Time Skip*
A month later, Steve enlisted, and your heart shattered anew. You clung to correspondence with Bucky, writing letters as often as you received his, but communication was slow, and the letters were infrequent. Each one began with a tender nickname and ended with a simple “Always yours,” and you’d dissolve into tears as you reached the end. You missed him most when preparing for bed, having turned in earlier since his departure, wishing desperately for his arms around you as you drifted to sleep.
Bucky’s leave had been fleeting and charged with emotion, and in all honesty, had only made saying goodbye again even harder. He’d kissed you with a passion that left the imprint of his lips searing on your skin, but they faded with each night you lay alone, tears streaming down your cheeks.
Two months after Steve left, a knock on your door came so early you almost ignored it. But you’d pulled yourself from bed and hurried to open it, crying out in surprise as you recognized the two men standing on your doorstep. You launched yourself into Bucky’s arms, and he tightened his grip around you, pulling you closer as he buried his face in your hair.
“Hey Darling,” he murmured softly, pulling back to press a kiss to your forehead.
“Why didn’t you write?” you demanded, pulling away and ushering them into your apartment. “I could’ve made you something good to eat. I assume their army food isn’t exactly gourmet.”
“We didn’t know we’d be coming until just now,” Steve murmured, and your eyes quickly fixed on his larger frame, causing a smile to spread across your face.
“Look at you, Stevie,” you exclaimed softly, causing both men to chuckle. “You must be beating the women off with a stick,” you added, moving to rummage through your kitchen cabinets. “I’m sure I can spare something for my two favorite soldiers.” As you worked, Bucky’s hand came to rest on your arm.
“We don’t have much time, Y/N. We’re going on a mission tonight, and I won’t be able to write for a while,” he said, turning you to face him.
“Where will you be going?” you asked, your lip caught between your teeth as you looked between the two men.
“That’s classified information,” Steve answered quietly, and the room seemed to fall silent. The sounds of traffic faded, your heartbeat thrummed in your ears, indistinguishable from the hush that had fallen between the three of you.
“But we tell each other everything,” you spoke through gritted teeth. You didn’t want to be angry, but a pain bloomed in your chest at their secrecy.
“It’s not our choice, Y/N,” Bucky murmured, watching as you took a step back.
“This isn’t fair,” you cried out, fighting back tears. “You shouldn’t be going on classified missions with me knowing nothing. You should be home with me, cracking stupid jokes in my kitchen while I feed Steve until he can barely walk.” Your voice cracked, causing both men to stare at the worn carpet under their feet. “All of these boys being slaughtered isn’t right, and you both know it.”
“Y/N,” Bucky started, but you shook your head. “You guys ought to get going. Can’t have you being late.”
Steve sighed, knowing the conversation was over, glancing up at you. “When we get back, we can talk about this properly,” he murmured, offering a small nod before making a swift exit.
“You’re being too hard on us,” Bucky said quietly, his eyes fixed on your face as you shook your head.
“What do you want me to say, Buck? Neither of you should have signed up. I’ve been telling you from the very beginning.” The two of you remained quiet, still watching each other. “This isn’t exactly easy for me, you know? Watching you two run off into danger, knowing there’s nothing I can do to stop you from getting yourselves hurt. Life’s no picnic here either.”
“Y/N,” Bucky started, but you shook your head.
“I meant what I said, Buck. You’re going to be late if you keep hanging about like this.”
“Just know that I love you, Darling, no matter what happens.” He surged forward, pressing a kiss to your lips, then straightened, offering a quick nod before hurrying out your front door.