Upon my life Sir Nevis I am piqued + 

That I have so far panted tugg’d and reek’d + 

To do an honor to your old bald pate + 

And now am sitting on you just to bait, + 

Without your paying me one compliment. + 

Alas, ’tis so with all, when our intent + 

Is plain, and in the eye of all Mankind + 

We fair ones show a preference, too blind! + 

You Gentle man immediately turn tail⁠— + 

O let me then my hapless fate bewail! + 

Ungrateful Baldpate have I not disdain’d + 

The pleasant Valleys⁠—have I not madbrain’d + 

Deserted all my Pickles and preserves + 

My China closet too⁠—with wretched Nerves + 

To boot⁠—say, wretched ingrate, have I not + 

Left my soft cushion chair and caudle pot? + 

’Tis true I had no corns⁠—no! thank the fates + 

My Shoemaker was always Mr. Bates. + 

And if not Mr. Bates why I’m not old! + 

Still dumb ungrateful Nevis⁠—still so cold! + 

Here the Lady took some more whisky and was putting even more to her lips when she dashed it to the Ground, for the Mountain began to grumble⁠—which continued for a few minutes before he thus began⁠— + 

What whining bit of tongue and Mouth thus dares + 

Disturb my slumber of a thousand years? + 

Even so long my sleep has been secure⁠— + 

And to be so awak’d I’ll not endure. + 

Oh pain⁠—for since the Eagle’s earliest scream + 

I’ve had a damn’d confounded ugly dream, + 

A Nightmare sure. What! Madam, was it you? + 

It cannot be! My old eyes are not true! + 

Red-Crag, my Spectacles! Now let me see! + 

Good Heavens! Lady, how the gemini + 

Did you get here? O, I shall split my sides! + 

I shall earthquake⁠— + 

Sweet Nevis do not quake, for though I love + 

Your honest Countenance all things above, + 

Truly I should not like to be convey’d + 

So far into your Bosom⁠—gentle Maid + 

Loves not too rough a treatment, gentle Sir⁠— + 

Pray thee be calm and do not quake nor stir + 

No, not a Stone, or I shall go in fits⁠— + 

I must⁠—I shall⁠—I meet not such tit bits⁠— + 

I meet not such sweet creatures every day⁠— + 

By my old nightcap night and day + 

I must have one sweet Buss⁠—I must and shall! + 

Red Crag!⁠—What! Madam, can you then repent + 

Of all the toil and vigour you have spent + 

To see Ben Nevis and to touch his nose? + 

Red Crag I say! O I must have them close! + 

Red Crag, there lies beneath my farthest toe + 

A vein of Sulphur⁠—go, dear Red Crag, go⁠— + 

And rub your flinty back against it⁠—budge! + 

Dear Madam, I must kiss you, faith I must! + 

I must embrace you with my dearest gust! + 

Block-head, d’ ye hear!⁠—Block-head, I’ll make her feel. + 

There lies beneath my east leg’s northern heel + 

A cave of young earth dragons;⁠—well my boy + 

Go thither quick and so complete my joy. + 

Take you a bundle of the largest pines, + 

And when the sun on fiercest Phosphor shines, + 

Fire them and ram them in the Dragon’s nest, + 

Then will the dragons fry and fizz their best + 

Until ten thousand now no bigger than + 

Poor alligators⁠—poor things of one span⁠— + 

Will each one swell to twice ten times the size + 

Of northern whale⁠—then for the tender prize⁠— + 

The moment then⁠—for then will Red Crag rub + 

His flinty back⁠—and I shall kiss and snub + 

And press my dainty morsel to my breast. + 

Block-head make haste! + 

O Muses, weep the rest⁠— + 

The Lady fainted and he thought her dead; + 

So pulled the clouds again about his head + 

And went to sleep again; soon she was rous’d + 

By her affrighted servants⁠—next day, hous’d + 

Safe on the lowly ground she bless’d her fate + 

That fainting fit was not delayed too late. + 

But what surprised me above all is how the lady got down again. I felt it horribly. ’Twas the most vile descent⁠—shook me all to pieces. + 