Getting Married + 

On a fine morning in the spring of 1908 the Norman kitchen in the Palace of the Bishop of Chelsea looks very spacious and clean and handsome and healthy. + 

The Bishop is lucky enough to have a XII century palace. The palace itself has been lucky enough to escape being carved up into XV century Gothic, or shaved into XVIII century ashlar, or “restored” by a XIX century builder and a Victorian architect with a deep sense of the umbrella-like gentlemanliness of XIV century vaulting. The present occupant, A. Chelsea, unofficially Alfred Bridgenorth, appreciates Norman work. He has, by adroit complaints of the discomfort of the place, induced the Ecclesiastical Commissioners to give him some money to spend on it; and with this he has got rid of the wallpapers, the paint, the partitions, the exquisitely planed and moulded casings with which the Victorian cabinetmakers enclosed and hid the huge black beams of hewn oak, and of all other expedients of his predecessors to make themselves feel at home and respectable in a Norman fortress. It is a house built to last forever. The walls and beams are big enough to carry the tower of Babel, as if the builders, anticipating our modern ideas and instinctively defying them, had resolved to show how much material they could lavish on a house built for the glory of God, instead of keeping a competitive eye on the advantage of sending in the lowest tender, and scientifically calculating how little material would be enough to prevent the whole affair from tumbling down by its own weight. + 

The kitchen is the Bishop’s favorite room. This is not at all because he is a man of humble mind; but because the kitchen is one of the finest rooms in the house. The Bishop has neither the income nor the appetite to have his cooking done there. The windows, high up in the wall, look north and south. The north window is the largest; and if we look into the kitchen through it we see facing us the south wall with small Norman windows and an open door near the corner to the left. Through this door we have a glimpse of the garden, and of a garden chair in the sunshine. In the right-hand corner is an entrance to a vaulted circular chamber with a winding stair leading up through a tower to the upper floors of the palace. In the wall to our right is the immense fireplace, with its huge spit like a baby crane, and a collection of old iron and brass instruments which pass as the original furniture of the fire, though as a matter of fact they have been picked up from time to time by the Bishop at secondhand shops. In the near end of the left hand wall a small Norman door gives access to the Bishop’s study, formerly a scullery. Further along, a great oak chest stands against the wall. Across the middle of the kitchen is a big timber table surrounded by eleven stout rush-bottomed chairs: four on the far side, three on the near side, and two at each end. There is a big chair with railed back and sides on the hearth. On the floor is a drugget of thick fibre matting. The only other piece of furniture is a clock with a wooden dial about as large as the bottom of a washtub, the weights, chains, and pendulum being of corresponding magnitude; but the Bishop has long since abandoned the attempt to keep it going. It hangs above the oak chest. + 

The kitchen is occupied at present by the Bishop’s lady, Mrs. Bridgenorth, who is talking to Mr. William Collins, the greengrocer. He is in evening dress, though it is early forenoon. Mrs. Bridgenorth is a quiet happy-looking woman of fifty or thereabouts, placid, gentle, and humorous, with delicate features and fine grey hair with many white threads. She is dressed as for some festivity; but she is taking things easily as she sits in the big chair by the hearth, reading The Times. + 

Collins is an elderly man with a rather youthful waist. His muttonchop whiskers have a coquettish touch of Dundreary at their lower ends. He is an affable man, with those perfect manners which can be acquired only in keeping a shop for the sale of necessaries of life to ladies whose social position is so unquestionable that they are not anxious about it. He is a reassuring man, with a vigilant grey eye, and the power of saying anything he likes to you without offence, because his tone always implies that he does it with your kind permission. Withal by no means servile: rather gallant and compassionate, but never without a conscientious recognition, on public grounds, of social distinctions. He is at the oak chest counting a pile of napkins. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth reads placidly: Collins counts: a blackbird sings in the garden. Mrs. Bridgenorth puts The Times down in her lap and considers Collins for a moment. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Do you never feel nervous on these occasions, Collins? + 

Collins + 

Lord bless you, no, ma’am. It would be a joke, after marrying five of your daughters, if I was to get nervous over marrying the last of them. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

I have always said you were a wonderful man, Collins. + 

Collins + 

Almost blushing. Oh, ma’am! + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Yes. I never could arrange anything⁠—a wedding or even dinner⁠—without some hitch or other. + 

Collins + 

Why should you give yourself the trouble, ma’am? Send for the greengrocer, ma’am: that’s the secret of easy housekeeping. Bless you, it’s his business. It pays him and you, let alone the pleasure in a house like this. Mrs. Bridgenorth bows in acknowledgment of the compliment. They joke about the greengrocer, just as they joke about the mother-in-law. But they can’t get on without both. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

What a bond between us, Collins! + 

Collins + 

Bless you, ma’am, there’s all sorts of bonds between all sorts of people. You are a very affable lady, ma’am, for a Bishop’s lady. I have known Bishop’s ladies that would fairly provoke you to up and cheek them; but nobody would ever forget himself and his place with you, ma’am. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Collins: you are a flatterer. You will superintend the breakfast yourself as usual, of course, won’t you? + 

Collins + 

Yes, yes, bless you, ma’am, of course. I always do. Them fashionable caterers send down such people as I never did set eyes on. Dukes you would take them for. You see the relatives shaking hands with them and asking them about the family⁠—actually ladies saying “Where have we met before?” and all sorts of confusion. That’s my secret in business, ma’am. You can always spot me as the greengrocer. It’s a fortune to me in these days, when you can’t hardly tell who anyone is or isn’t. He goes out through the tower, and immediately returns for a moment to announce, The General, ma’am. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth rises to receive her brother-in-law, who enters resplendent in full-dress uniform, with many medals and orders. General Bridgenorth is a well set up man of fifty, with large brave nostrils, an iron mouth, faithful dog’s eyes, and much natural simplicity and dignity of character. He is ignorant, stupid, and prejudiced, having been carefully trained to be so; and it is not always possible to be patient with him when his unquestionably good intentions become actively mischievous; but one blames society, not himself, for this. He would be no worse a man than Collins, had he enjoyed Collins’s social opportunities. He comes to the hearth, where Mrs. Bridgenorth is standing with her back to the fireplace. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Good morning, Boxer. They shake hands. Another niece to give away. This is the last of them. + 

The General + 

Very gloomy. Yes, Alice. Nothing for the old warrior uncle to do but give away brides to luckier men than himself. Has⁠—He chokes. has your sister come yet? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Why do you always call Lesbia my sister? Don’t you know that it annoys her more than any of the rest of your tricks? + 

The General + 

Tricks! Ha! Well, I’ll try to break myself of it; but I think she might bear with me in a little thing like that. She knows that her name sticks in my throat. Better call her your sister than try to call her L⁠—He almost breaks down. L⁠—well, call her by her name and make a fool of myself by crying. He sits down at the near end of the table. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Going to him and rallying him. Oh come, Boxer! Really, really! We are no longer boys and girls. You can’t keep up a broken heart all your life. It must be nearly twenty years since she refused you. And you know that it’s not because she dislikes you, but only that she’s not a marrying woman. + 

The General + 

It’s no use. I love her still. And I can’t help telling her so whenever we meet, though I know it makes her avoid me. He all but weeps. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

What does she say when you tell her? + 

The General + 

Only that she wonders when I am going to grow out of it. I know now that I shall never grow out of it. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Perhaps you would if you married her. I believe you’re better as you are, Boxer. + 

The General + 

I’m a miserable man. I’m really sorry to be a ridiculous old bore, Alice; but when I come to this house for a wedding⁠—to these scenes⁠—to⁠—to recollections of the past⁠—always to give the bride to somebody else, and never to have my bride given to me⁠—He rises abruptly. May I go into the garden and smoke it off? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Do, Boxer. + 

Collins returns with the wedding cake. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Oh, here’s the cake. I believe it’s the same one we had for Florence’s wedding. + 

The General + 

I can’t bear it. He hurries out through the garden door. + 

Collins + 

Putting the cake on the table. Well, look at that, ma’am! Ain’t it odd that after all the weddings he’s given away at, the General can’t stand the sight of a wedding cake yet. It always seems to give him the same shock. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Well, it’s his last shock. You have married the whole family now, Collins. She takes up The Times again and resumes her seat. + 

Collins + 

Except your sister, ma’am. A fine character of a lady, ma’am, is Miss Grantham. I have an ambition to arrange her wedding breakfast. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

She won’t marry, Collins. + 

Collins + 

Bless you, ma’am, they all say that. You and me said it, I’ll lay. I did, anyhow. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

No: marriage came natural to me. I should have thought it did to you too. + 

Collins + 

Pensive. No, ma’am: it didn’t come natural. My wife had to break me into it. It came natural to her: she’s what you might call a regular old hen. Always wants to have her family within sight of her. Wouldn’t go to bed unless she knew they was all safe at home and the door locked, and the lights out. Always wants her luggage in the carriage with her. Always goes and makes the engine driver promise her to be careful. She’s a born wife and mother, ma’am. That’s why my children all ran away from home. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Did you ever feel inclined to run away, Collins? + 

Collins + 

Oh yes, ma’am, yes: very often. But when it came to the point I couldn’t bear to hurt her feelings. She’s a sensitive, affectionate, anxious soul; and she was never brought up to know what freedom is to some people. You see, family life is all the life she knows: she’s like a bird born in a cage, that would die if you let it loose in the woods. When I thought how little it was to a man of my easy temper to put up with her, and how deep it would hurt her to think it was because I didn’t care for her, I always put off running away till next time; and so in the end I never ran away at all. I daresay it was good for me to be took such care of; but it cut me off from all my old friends something dreadful, ma’am: especially the women, ma’am. She never gave them a chance: she didn’t indeed. She never understood that married people should take holidays from one another if they are to keep at all fresh. Not that I ever got tired of her, ma’am; but my! how I used to get tired of home life sometimes. I used to catch myself envying my brother George: I positively did, ma’am. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

George was a bachelor then, I suppose? + 

Collins + 

Bless you, no, ma’am. He married a very fine figure of a woman; but she was that changeable and what you might call susceptible, you would not believe. She didn’t seem to have any control over herself when she fell in love. She would mope for a couple of days, crying about nothing; and then she would up and say⁠—no matter who was there to hear her⁠—“I must go to him, George”; and away she would go from her home and her husband without with-your-leave or by-your-leave. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

But do you mean that she did this more than once? That she came back? + 

Collins + 

Bless you, ma’am, she done it five times to my own knowledge; and then George gave up telling us about it, he got so used to it. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

But did he always take her back? + 

Collins + 

Well, what could he do, ma’am? Three times out of four the men would bring her back the same evening and no harm done. Other times they’d run away from her. What could any man with a heart do but comfort her when she came back crying at the way they dodged her when she threw herself at their heads, pretending they was too noble to accept the sacrifice she was making. George told her again and again that if she’d only stay at home and hold off a bit they’d be at her feet all day long. She got sensible at last and took his advice. George always liked change of company. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

What an odious woman, Collins! Don’t you think so? + 

Collins + 

Judicially. Well, many ladies with a domestic turn thought so and said so, ma’am. But I will say for Mrs. George that the variety of experience made her wonderful interesting. That’s where the flighty ones score off the steady ones, ma’am. Look at my old woman! She’s never known any man but me; and she can’t properly know me, because she don’t know other men to compare me with. Of course she knows her parents in⁠—well, in the way one does know one’s parents not knowing half their lives as you might say, or ever thinking that they was ever young; and she knew her children as children, and never thought of them as independent human beings till they ran away and nigh broke her heart for a week or two. But Mrs. George she came to know a lot about men of all sorts and ages; for the older she got the younger she liked ’em; and it certainly made her interesting, and gave her a lot of sense. I have often taken her advice on things when my own poor old woman wouldn’t have been a bit of use to me. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

I hope you don’t tell your wife that you go elsewhere for advice. + 

Collins + 

Lord bless you, ma’am, I’m that fond of my old Matilda that I never tell her anything at all for fear of hurting her feelings. You see, she’s such an out-and-out wife and mother that she’s hardly a responsible human being out of her house, except when she’s marketing. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Does she approve of Mrs. George? + 

Collins + 

Oh, Mrs. George gets round her. Mrs. George can get round anybody if she wants to. And then Mrs. George is very particular about religion. And she’s a clairvoyant. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Surprised. A clairvoyant! + 

Collins + 

Calm. Oh yes, ma’am, yes. All you have to do is to mesmerize her a bit; and off she goes into a trance, and says the most wonderful things! not things about herself, but as if it was the whole human race giving you a bit of its mind. Oh, wonderful, ma’am, I assure you. You couldn’t think of a game that Mrs. George isn’t up to. + 

Lesbia Grantham comes in through the tower. She is a tall, handsome, slender lady in her prime; that is, between 36 and 55. She has what is called a well-bred air, dressing very carefully to produce that effect without the least regard for the latest fashions, sure of herself, very terrifying to the young and shy, fastidious to the ends of her long fingertips, and tolerant and amused rather than sympathetic. + 

Lesbia + 

Good morning, dear big sister. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Good morning, dear little sister. They kiss. + 

Lesbia + 

Good morning, Collins. How well you are looking! And how young! She turns the middle chair away from the table and sits down. + 

Collins + 

That’s only my professional habit at a wedding, Miss. You should see me at a political dinner. I look nigh seventy. Looking at his watch. Time’s getting along, ma’am. May I send up word from you to Miss Edith to hurry a bit with her dressing? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Do, Collins. + 

Collins goes out through the tower, taking the cake with him. + 

Lesbia + 

Dear old Collins! Has he told you any stories this morning? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Yes. You were just late for a particularly thrilling invention of his. + 

Lesbia + 

About Mrs. George? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Yes. He says she’s a clairvoyant. + 

Lesbia + 

I wonder whether he really invented George, or stole her out of some book. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

I wonder! + 

Lesbia + 

Wheres the Barmecide? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

In the study, working away at his new book. He thinks no more now of having a daughter married than of having an egg for breakfast. + 

The General, soothed by smoking, comes in from the garden. + 

The General + 

With resolute bonhomie. Ah, Lesbia! + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

How do you do? They shake hands; and he takes the chair on her right. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth goes out through the tower. + 

Lesbia + 

How are you, Boxer? You look almost as gorgeous as the wedding cake. + 

The General + 

I make a point of appearing in uniform whenever I take part in any ceremony, as a lesson to the subalterns. It is not the custom in England; but it ought to be. + 

Lesbia + 

You look very fine, Boxer. What a frightful lot of bravery all these medals must represent! + 

The General + 

No, Lesbia. They represent despair and cowardice. I won all the early ones by trying to get killed. You know why. + 

Lesbia + 

But you had a charmed life? + 

The General + 

Yes, a charmed life. Bayonets bent on my buckles. Bullets passed through me and left no trace: that’s the worst of modern bullets: I’ve never been hit by a dumdum. When I was only a company officer I had at least the right to expose myself to death in the field. Now I’m a General even that resource is cut off. Persuasively drawing his chair nearer to her. Listen to me, Lesbia. For the tenth and last time⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Interrupting. On Florence’s wedding morning, two years ago, you said “For the ninth and last time.” + 

The General + 

We are two years older, Lesbia. I’m fifty: you are⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Yes, I know. It’s no use, Boxer. When will you be old enough to take no for an answer? + 

The General + 

Never, Lesbia, never. You have never given me a real reason for refusing me yet. I once thought it was somebody else. There were lots of fellows after you; but now they’ve all given it up and married. Bending still nearer to her. Lesbia: tell me your secret. Why⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Sniffing disgustedly. Oh! You’ve been smoking. She rises and goes to the chair on the hearth. Keep away, you wretch. + 

The General + 

But for that pipe, I could not have faced you without breaking down. It has soothed me and nerved me. + 

Lesbia + 

Sitting down with The Times in her hand. Well, it has nerved me to tell you why I’m going to be an old maid. + 

The General + 

Impulsively approaching her. Don’t say that, Lesbia. It’s not natural: it’s not right: it’s⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Fanning him off. No: no closer, Boxer, please. He retreats, discouraged. It may not be natural; but it happens all the time. You’ll find plenty of women like me, if you care to look for them: women with lots of character and good looks and money and offers, who won’t and don’t get married. Can’t you guess why? + 

The General + 

I can understand when there is another. + 

Lesbia + 

Yes; but there isn’t another. Besides, do you suppose I think, at my time of life, that the difference between one decent sort of man and another is worth bothering about? + 

The General + 

The heart has its preferences, Lesbia. One image, and one only, gets indelibly⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Yes. Excuse my interrupting you so often; but your sentiments are so correct that I always know what you are going to say before you finish. You see, Boxer, everybody is not like you. You are a sentimental noodle: you don’t see women as they really are. You don’t see me as I really am. Now I do see men as they really are. I see you as you really are. + 

The General + 

Murmuring. No: don’t say that, Lesbia. + 

Lesbia + 

I’m a regular old maid. I’m very particular about my belongings. I like to have my own house, and to have it to myself. I have a very keen sense of beauty and fitness and cleanliness and order. I am proud of my independence and jealous for it. I have a sufficiently well-stocked mind to be very good company for myself if I have plenty of books and music. The one thing I never could stand is a great lout of a man smoking all over my house and going to sleep in his chair after dinner, and untidying everything. Ugh! + 

The General + 

But love⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Oh, love! Have you no imagination? Do you think I have never been in love with wonderful men? heroes! archangels! princes! sages! even fascinating rascals! and had the strangest adventures with them? Do you know what it is to look at a mere real man after that? a man with his boots in every corner, and the smell of his tobacco in every curtain? + 

The General + 

Somewhat dazed. Well but⁠—excuse my mentioning it⁠—don’t you want children? + 

Lesbia + 

I ought to have children. I should be a good mother to children. I believe it would pay the country very well to pay me very well to have children. But the country tells me that I can’t have a child in my house without a man in it too; so I tell the country that it will have to do without my children. If I am to be a mother, I really cannot have a man bothering me to be a wife at the same time. + 

The General + 

My dear Lesbia: you know I don’t wish to be impertinent; but these are not the correct views for an English lady to express. + 

Lesbia + 

That is why I don’t express them, except to gentlemen who won’t take any other answer. The difficulty, you see, is that I really am an English lady, and am particularly proud of being one. + 

The General + 

I’m sure of that, Lesbia: quite sure of it. I never meant⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Rising impatiently. Oh, my dear Boxer, do please try to think of something else than whether you have offended me, and whether you are doing the correct thing as an English gentleman. You are faultless, and very dull. She shakes her shoulders intolerantly and walks across to the other side of the kitchen. + 

The General + 

Moodily. Ha! that’s what’s the matter with me. Not clever. A poor silly soldier man. + 

Lesbia + 

The whole matter is very simple. As I say, I am an English lady, by which I mean that I have been trained to do without what I can’t have on honorable terms, no matter what it is. + 

The General + 

I really don’t understand you, Lesbia. + 

Lesbia + 

Turning on him. Then why on earth do you want to marry a woman you don’t understand? + 

The General + 

I don’t know. I suppose I love you. + 

Lesbia + 

Well, Boxer, you can love me as much as you like, provided you look happy about it and don’t bore me. But you can’t marry me; and that’s all about it. + 

The General + 

It’s so frightfully difficult to argue the matter fairly with you without wounding your delicacy by overstepping the bounds of good taste. But surely there are calls of nature⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Don’t be ridiculous, Boxer. + 

The General + 

Well, how am I to express it? Hang it all, Lesbia, don’t you want a husband? + 

Lesbia + 

No. I want children; and I want to devote myself entirely to my children, and not to their father. The law will not allow me to do that; so I have made up my mind to have neither husband nor children. + 

The General + 

But, great Heavens, the natural appetites⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

As I said before, an English lady is not the slave of her appetites. That is what an English gentleman seems incapable of understanding. She sits down at the end of the table, near the study door. + 

The General + 

Huffily. Oh well, if you refuse, you refuse. I shall not ask you again. I’m sorry I returned to the subject. He retires to the hearth and plants himself there, wounded and lofty. + 

Lesbia + 

Don’t be cross, Boxer. + 

The General + 

I’m not cross, only wounded, Lesbia. And when you talk like that, I don’t feel convinced: I only feel utterly at a loss. + 

Lesbia + 

Well, you know our family rule. When at a loss consult the greengrocer. Opportunely Collins comes in through the tower. Here he is. + 

Collins + 

Sorry to be so much in and out, Miss. I thought Mrs. Bridgenorth was here. The table is ready now for the breakfast, if she would like to see it. + 

Lesbia + 

If you are satisfied, Collins, I am sure she will be. + 

The General + 

By the way, Collins: I thought they’d made you an alderman. + 

Collins + 

So they have, General. + 

The General + 

Then where’s your gown? + 

Collins + 

I don’t wear it in private life, General. + 

The General + 

Why? Are you ashamed of it? + 

Collins + 

No, General. To tell you the truth, I take a pride in it. I can’t help it. + 

The General + 

Attention, Collins. Come here. Collins comes to him. Do you see my uniform⁠—all my medals? + 

Collins + 

Yes, General. They strike the eye, as it were. + 

The General + 

They are meant to. Very well. Now you know, don’t you, that your services to the community as a greengrocer are as important and as dignified as mine as a soldier? + 

Collins + 

I’m sure it’s very honorable of you to say so, General. + 

The General + 

Emphatically. You know also, don’t you, that any man who can see anything ridiculous, or unmanly, or unbecoming in your work or in your civic robes is not a gentleman, but a jumping, bounding, snorting cad? + 

Collins + 

Well, strictly between ourselves, that is my opinion, General. + 

The General + 

Then why not dignify my niece’s wedding by wearing your robes? + 

Collins + 

A bargain’s a bargain, General. Mrs. Bridgenorth sent for the greengrocer, not for the alderman. It’s just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less. + 

The General + 

I’m sure she will agree with me. I attach importance to this as an affirmation of solidarity in the service of the community. The Bishop’s apron, my uniform, your robes: the Church, the Army, and the Municipality. + 

Collins + 

Retiring. Very well, General. He turns dubiously to Lesbia on his way to the tower. I wonder what my wife will say, Miss? + 

The General + 

What! Is your, wife ashamed of your robes? + 

Collins + 

No, sir, not ashamed of them. But she grudged the money for them; and she will be afraid of my sleeves getting into the gravy. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth, her placidity quite upset, comes in with a letter; hurries past Collins; and comes between Lesbia and the General. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Lesbia: Boxer: here’s a pretty mess! + 

Collins goes out discreetly. + 

The General + 

What’s the matter? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Reginald’s in London, and wants to come to the wedding. + 

The General + 

Stupended. Well, dash my buttons! + 

Lesbia + 

Oh, all right, let him come. + 

The General + 

Let him come! Why, the decree has not been made absolute yet. Is he to walk in here to Edith’s wedding, reeking from the Divorce Court? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Vexedly sitting down in the middle chair. It’s too bad. No: I can’t forgive him, Lesbia, really. A man of Reginald’s age, with a young wife⁠—the best of girls, and as pretty as she can be⁠—to go off with a common woman from the streets! Ugh! + 

Lesbia + 

You must make allowances. What can you expect? Reginald was always weak. He was brought up to be weak. The family property was all mortgaged when he inherited it. He had to struggle along in constant money difficulties, hustled by his solicitors, morally bullied by the Barmecide, and physically bullied by Boxer, while they two were fighting their own way and getting well trained. You know very well he couldn’t afford to marry until the mortgages were cleared and he was over fifty. And then of course he made a fool of himself marrying a child like Leo. + 

The General + 

But to hit her! Absolutely to hit her! He knocked her down⁠—knocked her flat down on a flowerbed in the presence of his gardener. He! the head of the family! the man that stands before the Barmecide and myself as Bridgenorth of Bridgenorth! to beat his wife and go off with a low woman and be divorced for it in the face of all England! in the face of my uniform and Alfred’s apron! I can never forget what I felt: it was only the King’s personal request⁠—virtually a command⁠—that stopped me from resigning my commission. I’d cut Reginald dead if I met him in the street. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Besides, Leo’s coming. They’d meet. It’s impossible, Lesbia. + 

Lesbia + 

Oh, I forgot that. That settles it. He mustn’t come. + 

The General + 

Of course he mustn’t. You tell him that if he enters this house, I’ll leave it; and so will every decent man and woman in it. + 

Collins + 

Returning for a moment to announce. Mr. Reginald, ma’am. He withdraws when Reginald enters. + 

The General + 

Beside himself. Well, dash my buttons!! + 

Reginald is just the man Lesbia has described. He is hardened and tough physically, and hasty and boyish in his manner and speech, belonging as he does to the large class of English gentlemen of property (solicitor-managed) who have never developed intellectually since their schooldays. He is a muddled, rebellious, hasty, untidy, forgetful, always late sort of man, who very evidently needs the care of a capable woman, and has never been lucky or attractive enough to get it. All the same, a likeable man, from whom nobody apprehends any malice nor expects any achievement. In everything but years he is younger than his brother the General. + 

Reginald + 

Coming forward between the General and Mrs. Bridgenorth. Alice: it’s no use. I can’t stay away from Edith’s wedding. Good morning, Lesbia. How are you, Boxer? He offers the General his hand. + 

The General + 

With crushing stiffness. I was just telling Alice, sir, that if you entered this house, I should leave it. + 

Reginald + 

Well, don’t let me detain you, old chap. When you start calling people Sir, you’re not particularly good company. + 

Lesbia + 

Don’t you begin to quarrel. That won’t improve the situation. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

I think you might have waited until you got my answer, Rejjy. + 

Reginald + 

It’s so jolly easy to say No in a letter. Won’t you let me stay? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

How can I? Leo’s coming. + 

Reginald + 

Well, she won’t mind. + 

The General + 

Won’t mind!!!! + 

Lesbia + 

Don’t talk nonsense, Rejjy; and be off with you. + 

The General + 

With biting sarcasm. At school you lead a theory that women liked being knocked down, I remember. + 

Reginald + 

You’re a nice, chivalrous, brotherly sort of swine, you are. + 

The General + 

Mr. Bridgenorth: are you going to leave this house or am I? + 

Reginald + 

You are, I hope. He emphasizes his intention to stay by sitting down. + 

The General + 

Alice: will you allow me to be driven from Edith’s wedding by this⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Warningly. Boxer! + 

The General + 

—by this Respondent? Is Edith to be given away by him? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Certainly not. Reginald: you were not asked to come; and I have asked you to go. You know how fond I am of Leo; and you know what she would feel if she came in and found you here. + 

Collins + 

Again appearing in the tower. Mrs. Reginald, ma’am. + 

All three clamoring together. + 

Lesbia + 

No, no. Ask her to⁠— + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Oh, how unfortunate! + 

The General + 

Well, dash my buttons! + 

It is too late: Leo is already in the kitchen. Collins goes out, mutely abandoning a situation which he deplores but has been unable to save. + 

Leo is very pretty, very youthful, very restless, and consequently very charming to people who are touched by youth and beauty, as well as to those who regard young women as more or less appetizing lollipops, and don’t regard old women at all. Coldly studied, Leo’s restlessness is much less lovable than the kittenishness which comes from a rich and fresh vitality. She is a born fusser about herself and everybody else for whom she feels responsible; and her vanity causes her to exaggerate her responsibilities officiously. All her fussing is about little things; but she often calls them by big names, such as Art, the Divine Spark, the world, motherhood, good breeding, the Universe, the Creator, or anything else that happens to strike her imagination as sounding intellectually important. She has more than common imagination and no more than common conception and penetration; so that she is always on the high horse about words and always in the perambulator about things. Considering herself clever, thoughtful, and superior to ordinary weaknesses and prejudices, she recklessly attaches herself to clever men on that understanding, with the result that they are first delighted, then exasperated, and finally bored. When marrying Reginald she told her friends that there was a great deal in him which needed bringing out. If she were a middle-aged man she would be the terror of his club. Being a pretty young woman, she is forgiven everything, proving that “Tout comprendre, c’est tout pardonner” is an error, the fact being that the secret of forgiving everything is to understand nothing. + 

She runs in fussily, full of her own importance, and swoops on Lesbia, who is much less disposed to spoil her than Mrs. Bridgenorth is. But Leo affects a special intimacy with Lesbia, as of two thinkers among the Philistines. + 

Leo + 

To Lesbia, kissing her. Good morning. Coming to Mrs. Bridgenorth. How do, Alice? Passing on towards the hearth. Why so gloomy, General? Reginald rises between her and the General. Oh, Rejjy! What will the King’s Proctor say? + 

Reginald + 

Damn the King’s Proctor! + 

Leo + 

Naughty. Well, I suppose I must kiss you; but don’t any of you tell. She kisses him. They can hardly believe their eyes. Have you kept all your promises? + 

Reginald + 

Oh, don’t begin bothering about those⁠— + 

Leo + 

Insisting. Have? You? Kept? Your? Promises? Have you rubbed your head with the lotion every night? + 

Reginald + 

Yes, yes. Nearly every night. + 

Leo + 

Nearly! I know what that means. Have you worn your liver pad? + 

The General + 

Solemnly. Leo: forgiveness is one of the most beautiful traits in a woman’s nature; but there are things that should not be forgiven to a man. When a man knocks a woman down⁠—Leo gives a little shriek of laughter and collapses on a chair next Mrs. Bridgenorth, on her left. + 

Reginald + 

Sardonically. The man that would raise his hand to a woman, save in the way of a kindness, is unworthy the name of Bridgenorth. He sits down at the end of the table nearest the hearth. + 

The General + 

Much huffed. Oh, well, if Leo does not mind, of course I have no more to say. But I think you might, out of consideration for the family, beat your wife in private and not in the presence of the gardener. + 

Reginald + 

Out of patience. What’s the good of beating your wife unless there’s a witness to prove it afterwards? You don’t suppose a man beats his wife for the fun of it, do you? How could she have got her divorce if I hadn’t beaten her? Nice state of things, that! + 

The General + 

Gasping. Do you mean to tell me that you did it in cold blood? simply to get rid of your wife? + 

Reginald + 

No, I didn’t: I did it to get her rid of me. What would you do if you were fool enough to marry a woman thirty years younger than yourself, and then found that she didn’t care for you, and was in love with a young fellow with a face like a mushroom. + 

Leo + 

He has not. Bursting into tears. And you are most unkind to say I didn’t care for you. Nobody could have been fonder of you. + 

Reginald + 

A nice way of showing your fondness! I had to go out and dig that flower bed all over with my own hands to soften it. I had to pick all the stones out of it. And then she complained that I hadn’t done it properly, because she got a worm down her neck. I had to go to Brighton with a poor creature who took a fancy to me on the way down, and got conscientious scruples about committing perjury after dinner. I had to put her down in the hotel book as Mrs. Reginald Bridgenorth: Leo’s name! Do you know what that feels like to a decent man? Do you know what a decent man feels about his wife’s name? How would you like to go into a hotel before all the waiters and people with⁠—with that on your arm? Not that it was the poor girl’s fault, of course; only she started crying because I couldn’t stand her touching me; and now she keeps writing to me. And then I’m held up in the public court for cruelty and adultery, and turned away from Edith’s wedding by Alice, and lectured by you! a bachelor, and a precious green one at that. What do you know about it? + 

The General + 

Am I to understand that the whole case was one of collusion? + 

Reginald + 

Of course it was. Half the cases are collusions: what are people to do? The General, passing his hand dazedly over his bewildered brow, sinks into the railed chair. And what do you take me for, that you should have the cheek to pretend to believe all that rot about my knocking Leo about and leaving her for⁠—for a⁠—a⁠—Ugh! you should have seen her. + 

The General + 

This is perfectly astonishing to me. Why did you do it? Why did Leo allow it? + 

Reginald + 

You’d better ask her. + 

Leo + 

Still in tears. I’m sure I never thought it would be so horrid for Rejjy. I offered honorably to do it myself, and let him divorce me; but he wouldn’t. And he said himself that it was the only way to do it⁠—that it was the law that he should do it that way. I never saw that hateful creature until that day in Court. If he had only shown her to me before, I should never have allowed it. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

You did all this for Leo’s sake, Rejjy? + 

Reginald + 

With an unbearable sense of injury. I shouldn’t mind a bit if it were for Leo’s sake. But to have to do it to make room for that mushroom-faced serpent⁠—! + 

The General + 

Jumping up. What right had he to be made room for? Are you in your senses? What right? + 

Reginald + 

The right of being a young man, suitable to a young woman. I had no right at my age to marry Leo: she knew no more about life than a child. + 

Leo + 

I knew a great deal more about it than a great baby like you. I’m sure I don’t know how you’ll get on with no one to take care of you: I often lie awake at night thinking about it. And now you’ve made me thoroughly miserable. + 

Reginald + 

Serve you right! She weeps. There: don’t get into a tantrum, Leo. + 

Lesbia + 

May one ask who is the mushroom-faced serpent? + 

Leo + 

He isn’t. + 

Reginald + 

Sinjon Hotchkiss, of course. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Sinjon Hotchkiss! Why, he’s coming to the wedding! + 

Reginald + 

What! In that case I’m off. He makes for the tower. + 

All four rushing after him and capturing him on the threshold. + 

Leo + 

Seizing him. No you shan’t. You promised to be nice to him. + 

The General + 

No, don’t go, old chap. Not from Edith’s wedding. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Oh, do stay, Rejjy. I shall really be hurt if you desert us. + 

Lesbia + 

Better stay, Reginald. You must meet him sooner or later. + 

Reginald + 

A moment ago, when I wanted to stay, you were all shoving me out of the house. Now that I want to go, you won’t let me. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

I shall send a note to Mr. Hotchkiss not to come. + 

Leo + 

Weeping again. Oh, Alice! She comes back to her chair, heartbroken. + 

Reginald + 

Out of patience. Oh well, let her have her way. Let her have her mushroom. Let him come. Let them all come. + 

He crosses the kitchen to the oak chest and sits sulkily on it. Mrs. Bridgenorth shrugs her shoulders and sits at the table in Reginald’s neighborhood listening in placid helplessness. Lesbia, out of patience with Leo’s tears, goes into the garden and sits there near the door, snuffing up the open air in her relief from the domestic stuffness of Reginald’s affairs. + 

Leo + 

It’s so cruel of you to go on pretending that I don’t care for you, Rejjy. + 

Reginald + 

Bitterly. She explained to me that it was only that she had exhausted my conversation. + 

The General + 

Coming paternally to Leo. My dear girl: all the conversation in the world has been exhausted long ago. Heaven knows I have exhausted the conversation of the British Army these thirty years; but I don’t leave it on that account. + 

Leo + 

It’s not that I’ve exhausted it; but he will keep on repeating it when I want to read or go to sleep. And Sinjon amuses me. He’s so clever. + 

The General + 

Stung. Ha! The old complaint. You all want geniuses to marry. This demand for clever men is ridiculous. Somebody must marry the plain, honest, stupid fellows. Have you thought of that? + 

Leo + 

But there are such lots of stupid women to marry. Why do they want to marry us? Besides, Rejjy knows that I’m quite fond of him. I like him because he wants me; and I like Sinjon because I want him. I feel that I have a duty to Rejjy. + 

The General + 

Precisely: you have. + 

Leo + 

And, of course, Sinjon has the same duty to me. + 

The General + 

Tut, tut! + 

Leo + 

Oh, how silly the law is! Why can’t I marry them both? + 

The General + 

Shocked. Leo! + 

Leo + 

Well, I love them both. I should like to marry a lot of men. I should like to have Rejjy for every day, and Sinjon for concerts and theatres and going out in the evenings, and some great austere saint for about once a year at the end of the season, and some perfectly blithering idiot of a boy to be quite wicked with. I so seldom feel wicked; and, when I do, it’s such a pity to waste it merely because it’s too silly to confess to a real grown up man. + 

Reginald + 

This is the kind of thing, you know. Helplessly. Well, there it is! + 

The General + 

Decisively. Alice: this is a job for the Barmecide. He’s a Bishop: it’s his duty to talk to Leo. I can stand a good deal; but when it comes to flat polygamy and polyandry, we ought to do something. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Going to the study door. Do come here a moment, Alfred. We’re in a difficulty. + 

The Bishop + 

Within. Ask Collins, I’m busy. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Collins won’t do. It’s something very serious. Do come just a moment, dear. When she hears him coming she takes a chair at the nearest end of the table. + 

The Bishop comes out of his study. He is still a slim active man, spare of flesh, and younger by temperament than his brothers. He has a delicate skin, fine hands, a salient nose with chin to match, a short beard which accentuates his sharp chin by bristling forward, clever humorous eyes, not without a glint of mischief in them, ready bright speech, and the ways of a successful man who is always interested in himself and generally rather well pleased with himself. When Lesbia hears his voice she turns her chair towards him, and presently rises and stands in the doorway listening to the conversation. + 

The Bishop + 

Going to Leo. Good morning, my dear. Hullo! You’ve brought Reginald with you. That’s very nice of you. Have you reconciled them, Boxer? + 

The General + 

Reconciled them! Why, man, the whole divorce was a put-up job. She wants to marry some fellow named Hotchkiss. + 

Reginald + 

A fellow with a face like⁠— + 

Leo + 

You shan’t, Rejjy. He has a very fine face. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

And now she says she wants to marry both of them, and a lot of other people as well. + 

Leo + 

I didn’t say I wanted to marry them: I only said I should like to marry them. + 

The Bishop + 

Quite a nice distinction, Leo. + 

Leo + 

Just occasionally, you know. + 

The Bishop + 

Sitting down cosily beside her. Quite so. Sometimes a poet, sometimes a Bishop, sometimes a fairy prince, sometimes somebody quite indescribable, and sometimes nobody at all. + 

Leo + 

Yes: that’s just it. How did you know? + 

The Bishop + 

Oh, I should say most imaginative and cultivated young women feel like that. I wouldn’t give a rap for one who didn’t. Shakespeare pointed out long ago that a woman wanted a Sunday husband as well as a weekday one. But, as usual, he didn’t follow up the idea. + 

The General + 

Aghast. Am I to understand⁠— + 

The Bishop + 

Cutting him short. Now, Boxer, am I the Bishop or are you? + 

The General + 

Sulkily. You. + 

The Bishop + 

Then don’t ask me are you to understand. “Your’s not to reason why: your’s but to do and die”⁠— + 

The General + 

Oh, very well: go on. I’m not clever. Only a silly soldier man. Ha! Go on. He throws himself into the railed chair, as one prepared for the worst. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Alfred: don’t tease Boxer. + 

The Bishop + 

If we are going to discuss ethical questions we must begin by giving the devil fair play. Boxer never does. England never does. We always assume that the devil is guilty; and we won’t allow him to prove his innocence, because it would be against public morals if he succeeded. We used to do the same with prisoners accused of high treason. And the consequence is that we overreach ourselves; and the devil gets the better of us after all. Perhaps that’s what most of us intend him to do. + 

The General + 

Alfred: we asked you here to preach to Leo. You are preaching at me instead. I am not conscious of having said or done anything that calls for that unsolicited attention. + 

The Bishop + 

But poor little Leo has only told the simple truth; whilst you, Boxer, are striking moral attitudes. + 

The General + 

I suppose that’s an epigram. I don’t understand epigrams. I’m only a silly soldier man. Ha! But I can put a plain question. Is Leo to be encouraged to be a polygamist? + 

The Bishop + 

Remember the British Empire, Boxer. You’re a British General, you know. + 

The General + 

What has that to do with polygamy? + 

The Bishop + 

Well, the great majority of our fellow subjects are polygamists. I can’t as a British Bishop insult them by speaking disrespectfully of polygamy. It’s a very interesting question. Many very interesting men have been polygamists: Solomon, Muhammad, and our friend the Duke of⁠—of⁠—hm! I never can remember his name. + 

The General + 

It would become you better, Alfred, to send that silly girl back to her husband and her duty than to talk clever and mock at your religion. “What God hath joined together let no man put asunder.” Remember that. + 

The Bishop + 

Don’t be afraid, Boxer. What God hath joined together no man ever shall put asunder: God will take care of that. To Leo. By the way, who was it that joined you and Reginald, my dear? + 

Leo + 

It was that awful little curate that afterwards drank, and travelled first class with a third-class ticket, and then tried to go on the stage. But they wouldn’t have him. He called himself Egerton Fotheringay. + 

The Bishop + 

Well, whom Egerton Fotheringay hath joined, let Sir Gorell Barnes put asunder by all means. + 

The General + 

I may be a silly soldier man; but I call this blasphemy. + 

The Bishop + 

Gravely. Better for me to take the name of Mr. Egerton Fotheringay in earnest than for you to take a higher name in vain. + 

Lesbia + 

Can’t you three brothers ever meet without quarrelling? + 

The Bishop + 

Mildly. This is not quarrelling, Lesbia: it’s only English family life. Good morning. + 

Leo + 

You know, Bishop, it’s very dear of you to take my part; but I’m not sure that I’m not a little shocked. + 

The Bishop + 

Then I think I’ve been a little more successful than Boxer in getting you into a proper frame of mind. + 

The General + 

Snorting. Ha! + 

Leo + 

Not a bit; for now I’m going to shock you worse than ever. I think Solomon was an old beast. + 

The Bishop + 

Precisely what you ought to think of him, my dear. Don’t apologize. + 

The General + 

More shocked. Well, but hang it! Solomon was in the Bible. And, after all, Solomon was Solomon. + 

Leo + 

And I stick to it: I still want to have a lot of interesting men to know quite intimately⁠—to say everything I think of to them, and have them say everything they think of to me. + 

The Bishop + 

So you shall, my dear, if you are lucky. But you know you needn’t marry them all. Think of all the buttons you would have to sew on. Besides, nothing is more dreadful than a husband who keeps telling you everything he thinks, and always wants to know what you think. + 

Leo + 

Struck by this. Well, that’s very true of Rejjy: In fact, that’s why I had to divorce him. + 

The Bishop + 

Condoling. Yes: he repeats himself dreadfully, doesn’t he? + 

Reginald + 

Look here, Alfred. If I have my faults, let her find them out for herself without your help. + 

The Bishop + 

She has found them all out already, Reginald. + 

Leo + 

A little huffily. After all, there are worse men than Reginald. I daresay he’s not so clever as you; but still he’s not such a fool as you seem to think him! + 

The Bishop + 

Quite right, dear: stand up for your husband. I hope you will always stand up for all your husbands. He rises and goes to the hearth, where he stands complacently with his back to the fireplace, beaming at them all as at a roomful of children. + 

Leo + 

Please don’t talk as if I wanted to marry a whole regiment. For me there can never be more than two. I shall never love anybody but Rejjy and Sinjon. + 

Reginald + 

A man with a face like a⁠— + 

Leo + 

I won’t have it, Rejjy. It’s disgusting. + 

The Bishop + 

You see, my dear, you’ll exhaust Sinjon’s conversation too in a week or so. A man is like a phonograph with half-a-dozen records. You soon get tired of them all; and yet you have to sit at table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor. In the end you have to be content with his common humanity; and when you come down to that, you find out about men what a great English poet of my acquaintance used to say about women: that they all taste alike. Marry whom you please: at the end of a month he’ll be Reginald over again. It wasn’t worth changing: indeed it wasn’t. + 

Leo + 

Then it’s a mistake to get married. + 

The Bishop + 

It is, my dear; but it’s a much bigger mistake not to get married. + 

The General + 

Rising. Ha! You hear that, Lesbia? He joins her at the garden door. + 

Lesbia + 

That’s only an epigram, Boxer. + 

The General + 

Sound sense, Lesbia. When a man talks rot, that’s epigram: when he talks sense, then I agree with him. + 

Reginald + 

Coming off the oak chest and looking at his watch. It’s getting late. Where’s Edith? Hasn’t she got into her veil and orange blossoms yet? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Do go and hurry her, Lesbia. + 

Lesbia + 

Going out through the tower. Come with me, Leo. + 

Leo + 

Following Lesbia out. Yes, certainly. + 

The Bishop goes over to his wife and sits down, taking her hand and kissing it by way of beginning a conversation with her. + 

The Bishop + 

Alice: I’ve had another letter from the mysterious lady who can’t spell. I like that woman’s letters. There’s an intensity of passion in them that fascinates me. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Do you mean Incognita Appassionata? + 

The Bishop + 

Yes. + 

The General + 

Turning abruptly; he has been looking out into the garden. Do you mean to say that women write love-letters to you? + 

The Bishop + 

Of course. + 

The General + 

They never do to me. + 

The Bishop + 

The army doesn’t attract women: the Church does. + 

Reginald + 

Do you consider it right to let them? They may be married women, you know. + 

The Bishop + 

They always are. This one is. To Mrs. Bridgenorth. Don’t you think her letters are quite the best love-letters I get? To the two men. Poor Alice has to read my love-letters aloud to me at breakfast, when they’re worth it. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

There really is something fascinating about Incognita. She never gives her address. That’s a good sign. + 

The General + 

Mf! No assignations, you mean? + 

The Bishop + 

Oh yes: she began the correspondence by making a very curious but very natural assignation. She wants me to meet her in heaven. I hope I shall. + 

The General + 

Well, I must say I hope not, Alfred. I hope not. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

She says she is happily married, and that love is a necessary of life to her, but that she must have, high above all her lovers⁠— + 

The Bishop + 

She has several apparently⁠— + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

—some great man who will never know her, never touch her, as she is on earth, but whom she can meet in Heaven when she has risen above all the everyday vulgarities of earthly love. + 

The Bishop + 

Rising. Excellent. Very good for her; and no trouble to me. Everybody ought to have one of these idealizations, like Dante’s Beatrice. He clasps his hands behind him, and strolls to the hearth and back, singing. + 

Lesbia appears in the tower, rather perturbed. + 

Lesbia + 

Alice: will you come upstairs? Edith is not dressed. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Rising. Not dressed! Does she know what hour it is? + 

Lesbia + 

She has locked herself into her room, reading. + 

The Bishop’s song ceases; he stops dead in his stroll. + 

The General + 

Reading! + 

The Bishop + 

What is she reading? + 

Lesbia + 

Some pamphlet that came by the eleven o’clock post. She won’t come out. She won’t open the door. And she says she doesn’t know whether she’s going to be married or not till she’s finished the pamphlet. Did you ever hear such a thing? Do come and speak to her. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Alfred: you had better go. + 

The Bishop + 

Try Collins. + 

Lesbia + 

Weve tried Collins already. He got all that I’ve told you out of her through the keyhole. Come, Alice. She vanishes. Mrs. Bridgenorth hurries after her. + 

The Bishop + 

This means a delay. I shall go back to my work. He makes for the study door. + 

Reginald + 

What are you working at now? + 

The Bishop + 

Stopping. A chapter in my history of marriage. I’m just at the Roman business, you know. + 

The General + 

Coming from the garden door to the chair Mrs. Bridgenorth has just left, and sitting down. Not more Ritualism, I hope, Alfred? + 

The Bishop + 

Oh no. I mean ancient Rome. He seats himself on the edge of the table. I’ve just come to the period when the propertied classes refused to get married and went in for marriage settlements instead. A few of the oldest families stuck to the marriage tradition so as to keep up the supply of vestal virgins, who had to be legitimate; but nobody else dreamt of getting married. It’s all very interesting, because we’re coming to that here in England; except that as we don’t require any vestal virgins, nobody will get married at all, except the poor, perhaps. + 

The General + 

You take it devilishly coolly. Reginald: do you think the Barmecide’s quite sane? + 

Reginald + 

No worse than ever he was. + 

The General + 

To the Bishop. Do you mean to say you believe such a thing will ever happen in England as that respectable people will give up being married? + 

The Bishop + 

In England especially they will. In other countries the introduction of reasonable divorce laws will save the situation; but in England we always let an institution strain itself until it breaks. I’ve told our last four Prime Ministers that if they didn’t make our marriage laws reasonable there would be a strike against marriage, and that it would begin among the propertied classes, where no Government would dare to interfere with it. + 

Reginald + 

What did they say to that? + 

The Bishop + 

The usual thing. Quite agreed with me, but were sure that they were the only sensible men in the world, and that the least hint of marriage reform would lose them the next election. And then lost it all the same: on cordite, on drink, on Chinese labor in South Africa, on all sorts of trumpery. + 

Reginald + 

Lurching across the kitchen towards the hearth with his hands in his pockets. It’s no use: they won’t listen to our sort. Turning on them. Of course they have to make you a Bishop and Boxer a General, because, after all, their blessed rabble of snobs and cads and half-starved shopkeepers can’t do government work; and the bounders and weekenders are too lazy and vulgar. They’d simply rot without us; but what do they ever do for us? what attention do they ever pay to what we say and what we want? I take it that we Bridgenorths are a pretty typical English family of the sort that has always set things straight and stuck up for the right to think and believe according to our conscience. But nowadays we are expected to dress and eat as the weekend bounders do, and to think and believe as the converted cannibals of Central Africa do, and to lie down and let every snob and every cad and every halfpenny journalist walk over us. Why, there’s not a newspaper in England today that represents what I call solid Bridgenorth opinion and tradition. Half of them read as if they were published at the nearest mother’s meeting, and the other half at the nearest motor garage. Do you call these chaps gentlemen? Do you call them Englishmen? I don’t. He throws himself disgustedly into the nearest chair. + 

The General + 

Excited by Reginald’s eloquence. Do you see my uniform? What did Collins say? It strikes the eye. It was meant to. I put it on expressly to give the modern army bounder a smack in the eye. Somebody has to set a right example by beginning. Well, let it be a Bridgenorth. I believe in family blood and tradition, by George. + 

The Bishop + 

Musing. I wonder who will begin the stand against marriage. It must come some day. I was married myself before I’d thought about it; and even if I had thought about it I was too much in love with Alice to let anything stand in the way. But, you know, I’ve seen one of our daughters after another⁠—Ethel, Jane, Fanny, and Christina and Florence⁠—go out at that door in their veils and orange blossoms; and I’ve always wondered whether they’d have gone quietly if they’d known what they were doing. I’ve a horrible misgiving about that pamphlet. All progress means war with Society. Heaven forbid that Edith should be one of the combatants! + 

St. John Hotchkiss comes into the tower ushered by Collins. He is a very smart young gentleman of twenty-nine or thereabouts, correct in dress to the last thread of his collar, but too much preoccupied with his ideas to be embarrassed by any concern as to his appearance. He talks about himself with energetic gaiety. He talks to other people with a sweet forbearance (implying a kindly consideration for their stupidity) which infuriates those whom he does not succeed in amusing. They either lose their tempers with him or try in vain to snub him. + 

Collins + 

Announcing. Mr. Hotchkiss. He withdraws. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Clapping Reginald gaily on the shoulder as he passes him. Tootle loo, Rejjy. + 

Reginald + 

Curtly, without rising or turning his head. Morning. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Good morning, Bishop. + 

The Bishop + 

Coming off the table. What on earth are you doing here, Sinjon? You belong to the bridegroom’s party: you’ve no business here until after the ceremony. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Yes, I know: that’s just it. May I have a word with you in private? Rejjy or any of the family won’t matter; but⁠—He glances at the General, who has risen rather stiffly, as he strongly disapproves of the part played by Hotchkiss in Reginald’s domestic affairs. + 

The Bishop + 

All right, Sinjon. This is our brother, General Bridgenorth. He goes to the hearth and posts himself there, with his hands clasped behind him. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Oh, good! He turns to the General, and takes out a card-case. As you are in the service, allow me to introduce myself. Read my card, please. He presents his card to the astonished General. + 

The General + 

Reading. “Mr. St. John Hotchkiss, the Celebrated Coward, late Lieutenant in the 165th Fusiliers.” + 

Reginald + 

With a chuckle. He was sent back from South Africa because he funked an order to attack, and spoiled his commanding officer’s plan. + 

The General + 

Very gravely. I remember the case now. I had forgotten the name. I’ll not refuse your acquaintance, Mr. Hotchkiss; partly because you’re my brother’s guest, and partly because I’ve seen too much active service not to know that every man’s nerve plays him false at one time or another, and that some very honorable men should never go into action at all, because they’re not built that way. But if I were you I should not use that visiting card. No doubt it’s an honorable trait in your character that you don’t wish any man to give you his hand in ignorance of your disgrace; but you had better allow us to forget. We wish to forget. It isn’t your disgrace alone: it’s a disgrace to the army and to all of us. Pardon my plain speaking. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Sunnily. My dear General, I don’t know what fear means in the military sense of the word. I’ve fought seven duels with the sabre in Italy and Austria, and one with pistols in France, without turning a hair. There was no other way in which I could vindicate my motives in refusing to make that attack at Smutsfontein. I don’t pretend to be a brave man. I’m afraid of wasps. I’m afraid of cats. In spite of the voice of reason, I’m afraid of ghosts; and twice I’ve fled across Europe from false alarms of cholera. But afraid to fight I am not. He turns gaily to Reginald and slaps him on the shoulder. Eh, Rejjy? Reginald grunts. + 

The General + 

Then why did you not do your duty at Smutsfontein? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I did my duty⁠—my higher duty. If I had made that attack, my commanding officer’s plan would have been successful, and he would have been promoted. Now I happen to think that the British Army should be commanded by gentlemen, and by gentlemen alone. This man was not a gentleman. I sacrificed my military career⁠—I faced disgrace and social ostracism rather than give that man his chance. + 

The General + 

Generously indignant. Your commanding officer, sir, was my friend Major Billiter. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Precisely. What a name! + 

The General + 

And pray, sir, on what ground do you dare allege that Major Billiter is not a gentleman? + 

Hotchkiss + 

By an infallible sign: one of those trifles that stamp a man. He eats rice pudding with a spoon. + 

The General + 

Very angry. Confound you, I eat rice pudding with a spoon. Now! + 

Hotchkiss + 

Oh, so do I, frequently. But there are ways of doing these things. Billiter’s way was unmistakable. + 

The General + 

Well, I’ll tell you something now. When I thought you were only a coward, I pitied you, and would have done what I could to help you back to your place in Society⁠— + 

Hotchkiss + 

Interrupting him. Thank you: I haven’t lost it. My motives have been fully appreciated. I was made an honorary member of two of the smartest clubs in London when the truth came out. + 

The General + 

Well, sir, those clubs consist of snobs; and you are a jumping, bounding, prancing, snorting snob yourself. + 

The Bishop + 

Amused, but hospitably remonstrant. My dear Boxer! + 

Hotchkiss + 

Delighted. How kind of you to say so, General! You’re quite right: I am a snob. Why not? The whole strength of England lies in the fact that the enormous majority of the English people are snobs. They insult poverty. They despise vulgarity. They love nobility. They admire exclusiveness. They will not obey a man risen from the ranks. They never trust one of their own class. I agree with them. I share their instincts. In my undergraduate days I was a Republican-a Socialist. I tried hard to feel toward a common man as I do towards a duke. I couldn’t. Neither can you. Well, why should we be ashamed of this aspiration towards what is above us? Why don’t I say that an honest man’s the noblest work of God? Because I don’t think so. If he’s not a gentleman, I don’t care whether he’s honest or not: I shouldn’t let his son marry my daughter. And that’s the test, mind. That’s the test. You feel as I do. You are a snob in fact: I am a snob, not only in fact, but on principle. I shall go down in history, not as the first snob, but as the first avowed champion of English snobbery, and its first martyr in the army. The navy boasts two such martyrs in Captains Kirby and Wade, who were shot for refusing to fight under Admiral Benbow, a promoted cabin boy. I have always envied them their glory. + 

The General + 

As a British General, Sir, I have to inform you that if any officer under my command violated the sacred equality of our profession by putting a single jot of his duty or his risk on the shoulders of the humblest drummer boy, I’d shoot him with my own hand. + 

Hotchkiss + 

That sentiment is not your equality, General, but your superiority. Ask the Bishop. He seats himself on the edge of the table. + 

The Bishop + 

I can’t support you, Sinjon. My profession also compels me to turn my back on snobbery. You see, I have to do such a terribly democratic thing to every child that is brought to me. Without distinction of class I have to confer on it a rank so high and awful that all the grades in Debrett and Burke seem like the medals they give children in Infant Schools in comparison. I’m not allowed to make any class distinction. They are all soldiers and servants, not officers and masters. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Ah, you’re quoting the Baptism service. That’s not a bit real, you know. If I may say so, you would both feel so much more at peace with yourselves if you would acknowledge and confess your real convictions. You know you don’t really think a Bishop the equal of a curate, or a lieutenant in a line regiment the equal of a general. + 

The Bishop + 

Of course I do. I was a curate myself. + 

The General + 

And I was a lieutenant in a line regiment. + 

Reginald + 

And I was nothing. But we’re all our own and one another’s equals, aren’t we? So perhaps when you’ve quite done talking about yourselves, we shall get to whatever business Sinjon came about. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Coming off the table hastily. My dear fellow. I beg a thousand pardons. It’s about the wedding? + 

The General + 

What about the wedding? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Well, we can’t get our man up to the scratch. Cecil has locked himself in his room and won’t see or speak to anyone. I went up to his room and banged at the door. I told him I should look through the keyhole if he didn’t answer. I looked through the keyhole. He was sitting on his bed, reading a book. Reginald rises in consternation. The General recoils. I told him not to be an ass, and so forth. He said he was not going to budge until he had finished the book. I asked him did he know what time it was, and whether he happened to recollect that he had a rather important appointment to marry Edith. He said the sooner I stopped interrupting him, the sooner he’d be ready. Then he stuffed his fingers in his ears; turned over on his elbows; and buried himself in his beastly book. I couldn’t get another word out of him; so I thought I’d better come here and warn you. + 

Reginald + 

This looks to me like they’ve arranged it between them. + 

The Bishop + 

No. Edith has no sense of humor. And I’ve never seen a man in a jocular mood on his wedding morning. + 

Collins appears in the tower, ushering in the bridegroom, a young gentleman with good looks of the serious kind, somewhat careworn by an exacting conscience, and just now distracted by insoluble problems of conduct. + 

Collins + 

Announcing. Mr. Cecil Sykes. He retires. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Look here, Cecil: this is all wrong. You’ve no business here until after the wedding. Hang it, man! you’re the bridegroom. + 

Sykes + 

Coming to the Bishop, and addressing him with dogged desperation. I’ve come here to say this. When I proposed to Edith I was in utter ignorance of what I was letting myself in for legally. Having given my word, I will stand to it. You have me at your mercy: marry me if you insist. But take notice that I protest. He sits down distractedly in the railed chair. + 

Both highly incensed. + 

The General + 

What the devil do you mean by this? What the⁠— + 

Reginald + 

Confound your impertinence, what do you⁠— + 

Hotchkiss + 

Easy, Rejjy. Easy, old man. Steady, steady. Reginald subsides into his chair. Hotchkiss sits on his right, appeasing him. + 

The Bishop + 

No, please, Rej. Control yourself, Boxer, I beg you. + 

The General + 

I tell you I can’t control myself. I’ve been controlling myself for the last half-hour until I feel like bursting. He sits down furiously at the end of the table next the study. + 

Sykes + 

Pointing to the simmering Reginald and the boiling General. That’s just it, Bishop. Edith is her uncle’s niece. She can’t control herself any more than they can. And she’s a Bishop’s daughter. That means that she’s engaged in social work of all sorts: organizing shop assistants and sweated work girls and all that. When her blood boils about it (and it boils at least once a week) she doesn’t care what she says. + 

Reginald + 

Well: you knew that when you proposed to her. + 

Sykes + 

Yes; but I didn’t know that when we were married I should be legally responsible if she libelled anybody, though all her property is protected against me as if I were the lowest thief and cadger. This morning somebody sent me Belfort Bax’s essays on Men’s Wrongs; and they have been a perfect eye-opener to me. Bishop: I’m not thinking of myself: I would face anything for Edith. But my mother and sisters are wholly dependent on my property. I’d rather have to cut off an inch from my right arm than a hundred a year from my mother’s income. I owe everything to her care of me. Edith, in dressing-jacket and petticoat, comes in through the tower, swiftly and determinedly, pamphlet in hand, principles up in arms, more of a bishop than her father, yet as much a gentlewoman as her mother. She is the typical spoilt child of a clerical household: almost as terrible a product as the typical spoilt child of a Bohemian household: that is, all her childish affectations of conscientious scruple and religious impulse have been applauded and deferred to until she has become an ethical snob of the first water. Her father’s sense of humor and her mother’s placid balance have done something to save her humanity; but her impetuous temper and energetic will, unrestrained by any touch of humor or scepticism, carry everything before them. Imperious and dogmatic, she takes command of the party at once. + 

Edith + 

Standing behind Cecil’s chair. Cecil: I heard your voice. I must speak to you very particularly. Papa: go away. Go away everybody. + 

The Bishop + 

Crossing to the study door. I think there can be no doubt that Edith wishes us to retire. Come. He stands in the doorway, waiting for them to follow. + 

Sykes + 

That’s it, you see. It’s just this outspokenness that makes my position hard, much as I admire her for it. + 

Edith + 

Do you want me to flatter and be untruthful? + 

Sykes + 

No, not exactly that. + 

Edith + 

Does anybody want me to flatter and be untruthful? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Well, since you ask me, I do. Surely it’s the very first qualification for tolerable social intercourse. + 

The General + 

Markedly. I hope you will always tell me the truth, my darling, at all events. + 

Edith + 

Complacently coming to the fireplace. You can depend on me for that, Uncle Boxer. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Are you sure you have any adequate idea of what the truth about a military man really is? + 

Reginald + 

Aggressively. What’s the truth about you, I wonder? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Oh, quite unfit for publication in its entirety. If Miss Bridgenorth begins telling it, I shall have to leave the room. + 

Reginald + 

I’m not at all surprised to hear it. Rising. But what’s it got to do with our business here today? Is it you that’s going to be married or is it Edith? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I’m so sorry, I get so interested in myself that I thrust myself into the front of every discussion in the most insufferable way. Reginald, with an exclamation of disgust, crosses the kitchen towards the study door. But, my dear Rejjy, are you quite sure that Miss Bridgenorth is going to be married? Are you, Miss Bridgenorth? + 

Before Edith has time to answer her mother returns with Leo and Lesbia. + 

Leo + 

Yes, here she is, of course. I told you I heard her dash downstairs. She comes to the end of the table next the fireplace. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Transfixed in the middle of the kitchen. And Cecil!! + 

Lesbia + 

And Sinjon! + 

The Bishop + 

Edith wishes to speak to Cecil. Mrs. Bridgenorth comes to him. Lesbia goes into the garden, as before. Let us go into my study. + 

Leo + 

But she must come and dress. Look at the hour! + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Come, Leo dear. Leo follows her reluctantly. They are about to go into the study with the Bishop. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Do you know, Miss Bridgenorth, I should most awfully like to hear what you have to say to poor Cecil. + 

Reginald + 

Scandalized. Well! + 

Edith + 

Who is poor Cecil, pray? + 

Hotchkiss + 

One always calls a man that on his wedding morning: I don’t know why. I’m his best man, you know. Don’t you think it gives me a certain right to be present in Cecil’s interest? + 

The General + 

Gravely. There is such a thing as delicacy, Mr. Hotchkiss. + 

Hotchkiss + 

There is such a thing as curiosity, General. + 

The General + 

Furious. Delicacy is thrown away here, Alfred. Edith: you had better take Sykes into the study. + 

The group at the study door breaks up. The General flings himself into the last chair on the long side of the table, near the garden door. Leo sits at the end, next him, and Mrs. Bridgenorth next Leo. Reginald returns to the oak chest, to be near Leo; and the Bishop goes to his wife and stands by her. + 

Hotchkiss + 

To Edith. Of course I’ll go if you wish me to. But Cecil’s objection to go through with it was so entirely on public grounds⁠— + 

Edith + 

With quick suspicion. His objection? + 

Sykes + 

Sinjon: you have no right to say that. I expressly said that I’m ready to go through with it. + 

Edith + 

Cecil: do you mean to say that you have been raising difficulties about our marriage? + 

Sykes + 

I raise no difficulty. But I do beg you to be careful what you say about people. You must remember, my dear, that when we are married I shall be responsible for everything you say. Only last week you said on a public platform that Slattox and Chinnery were scoundrels. They could have got a thousand pounds damages apiece from me for that if we’d been married at the time. + 

Edith + 

Austerely. I never said anything of the sort. I never stoop to mere vituperation: what would my girls say of me if I did? I chose my words most carefully. I said they were tyrants, liars, and thieves; and so they are. Slattox is even worse. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I’m afraid that would be at least five thousand pounds. + 

Sykes + 

If it were only myself, I shouldn’t care. But my mother and sisters! I’ve no right to sacrifice them. + 

Edith + 

You needn’t be alarmed. I’m not going to be married. + 

All The Rest + 

Not! + 

Sykes + 

In consternation. Edith! Are you throwing me over? + 

Edith + 

How can I? you have been beforehand with me. + 

Sykes + 

On my honor, no. All I said was that I didn’t know the law when I asked you to be my wife. + 

Edith + 

And you wouldn’t have asked me if you had. Is that it? + 

Sykes + 

No. I should have asked you for my sake be a little more careful⁠—not to ruin me uselessly. + 

Edith + 

You think the truth useless? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Much worse than useless, I assure you. Frequently most mischievous. + 

Edith + 

Sinjon: hold your tongue. You are a chatterbox and a fool! + 

Shocked. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Edith! + 

The Bishop + 

My love! + 

Hotchkiss + 

Mildly. I shall not take an action, Cecil. + 

Edith + 

To Hotchkiss. Sorry; but you are old enough to know better. To the others. And now since there is to be no wedding, we had better get back to our work. Mamma: will you tell Collins to cut up the wedding cake into thirty-three pieces for the club girls? My not being married is no reason why they should be disappointed. She turns to go. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Gallantly. If you’ll allow me to take Cecil’s place, Miss Bridgenorth⁠— + 

Leo + 

Sinjon! + 

Hotchkiss + 

Oh, I forgot. I beg your pardon. To Edith, apologetically. A prior engagement. + 

Edith + 

What! You and Leo! I thought so. Well, hadn’t you two better get married at once? I don’t approve of long engagements. The breakfast’s ready: the cake’s ready: everything’s ready. I’ll lend Leo my veil and things. + 

The Bishop + 

I’m afraid they must wait until the decree is made absolute, my dear. And the license is not transferable. + 

Edith + 

Oh well, it can’t be helped. Is there anything else before I go off to the Club? + 

Sykes + 

You don’t seem much disappointed, Edith. I can’t help saying that much. + 

Edith + 

And you can’t help looking enormously relieved, Cecil. We shan’t be any worse friends, shall we? + 

Sykes + 

Distractedly. Of course not. Still⁠—I’m perfectly ready⁠—at least⁠—if it were not for my mother⁠—Oh, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been so fond of you; and when the worry of the wedding was over I should have been so fond of you again⁠— + 

Edith + 

Petting him. Come, come! don’t make a scene, dear. You’re quite right. I don’t think a woman doing public work ought to get married unless her husband feels about it as she does. I don’t blame you at all for throwing me over. + 

Reginald + 

Bouncing off the chest, and passing behind the General to the other end of the table. No: dash it! I’m not going to stand this. Why is the man always to be put in the wrong? Be honest, Edith. Why weren’t you dressed? Were you going to throw him over? If you were, take your fair share of the blame; and don’t put it all on him. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Sweetly. Would it not be better⁠— + 

Reginald + 

Violently. Now look here, Hotchkiss. Who asked you to cut in? Is your name Edith? Am I your uncle? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I wish you were: I should like to have an uncle, Reginald. + 

Reginald + 

Yah! Sykes: are you ready to marry Edith or are you not? + 

Sykes + 

I’ve already said that I’m quite ready. A promise is a promise. + 

Reginald + 

We don’t want to know whether a promise is a promise or not. Can’t you answer yes or no without spoiling it and setting Hotchkiss here grinning like a Cheshire cat? If she puts on her veil and goes to Church, will you marry her? + 

Sykes + 

Certainly. Yes. + 

Reginald + 

That’s all right. Now, Edie, put on your veil and off with you to the church. The bridegroom’s waiting. He sits down at the table. + 

Edith + 

Is it understood that Slattox and Chinnery are liars and thieves, and that I hope by next Wednesday to have in my hands conclusive evidence that Slattox is something much worse? + 

Sykes + 

I made no conditions as to that when I proposed to you; and now I can’t go back. I hope Providence will spare my poor mother. I say again I’m ready to marry you. + 

Edith + 

Then I think you show great weakness of character; and instead of taking advantage of it I shall set you a better example. I want to know is this true. She produces a pamphlet and takes it to the Bishop; then sits down between Hotchkiss and her mother. + 

The Bishop + 

Reading the title. Do You Know What You Are Going to Do? by a Woman Who Has Done It. May I ask, my dear, what she did? + 

Edith + 

She got married. When she had three children⁠—the eldest only four years old⁠—her husband committed a murder, and then attempted to commit suicide, but only succeeded in disfiguring himself. Instead of hanging him, they sent him to penal servitude for life, for the sake, they said, of his wife and infant children. And she could not get a divorce from that horrible murderer. They would not even keep him imprisoned for life. For twenty years she had to live singly, bringing up her children by her own work, and knowing that just when they were grown up and beginning life, this dreadful creature would be let out to disgrace them all, and prevent the two girls getting decently married, and drive the son out of the country perhaps. Is that really the law? Am I to understand that if Cecil commits a murder, or forges, or steals, or becomes an atheist, I can’t get divorced from him? + 

The Bishop + 

Yes, my dear. That is so. You must take him for better for worse. + 

Edith + 

Then I most certainly refuse to enter into any such wicked contract. What sort of servants? what sort of friends? what sort of Prime Ministers should we have if we took them for better for worse for all their lives? We should simply encourage them in every sort of wickedness. Surely my husband’s conduct is of more importance to me than Mr. Balfour’s or Mr. Asquith’s. If I had known the law I would never have consented. I don’t believe any woman would if she realized what she was doing. + 

Sykes + 

But I’m not going to commit murder. + 

Edith + 

How do you know? I’ve sometimes wanted to murder Slattox. Have you never wanted to murder somebody, Uncle Rejjy? + 

Reginald + 

At Hotchkiss, with intense expression. Yes. + 

Leo + 

Rejjy! + 

Reginald + 

I said yes; and I mean yes. There was one night, Hotchkiss, when I jolly near shot you and Leo and finished up with myself; and that’s the truth. + 

Leo + 

Suddenly whimpering. Oh Rejjy. She runs to him and kisses him. + 

Reginald + 

Wrathfully. Be off. She returns weeping to her seat. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Petting Leo, but speaking to the company at large. But isn’t all this great nonsense? What likelihood is there of any of us committing a crime? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Oh yes, I assure you. I went into the matter once very carefully; and I found things I have actually done⁠—things that everybody does, I imagine⁠—would expose me, if I were found out and prosecuted, to ten years’ penal servitude, two years hard labor, and the loss of all civil rights. Not counting that I’m a private trustee, and, like all private trustees, a fraudulent one. Otherwise, the widow for whom I am trustee would starve occasionally, and the children get no education. And I’m probably as honest a man as any here. + 

The General + 

Outraged. Do you imply that I have been guilty of conduct that would expose me to penal servitude? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I should think it quite likely, but of course I don’t know. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

But bless me! marriage is not a question of law, is it? Have you children no affection for one another? Surely that’s enough? + 

Hotchkiss + 

If it’s enough, why get married? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Stuff, Sinjon! Of course people must get married. Uneasily. Alfred: why don’t you say something? Surely you’re not going to let this go on. + 

The General + 

I’ve been waiting for the last twenty minutes, Alfred, in amazement! in stupefaction! to hear you put a stop to all this. We look to you: it’s your place, your office, your duty. Exert your authority at once. + 

The Bishop + 

You must give the devil fair play, Boxer. Until you have heard and weighed his case you have no right to condemn him. I’m sorry you have been kept waiting twenty minutes; but I myself have waited twenty years for this to happen. I’ve often wrestled with the temptation to pray that it might not happen in my own household. Perhaps it was a presentiment that it might become a part of our old Bridgenorth burden that made me warn our Governments so earnestly that unless the law of marriage were first made human, it could never become divine. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Oh, do be sensible about this. People must get married. What would you have said if Cecil’s parents had not been married? + 

The Bishop + 

They were not, my dear. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Hallo! + 

Reginald + 

What d’ye mean? + 

The General + 

Eh? + 

Leo + 

Not married! + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

What? + 

Sykes + 

Rising in amazement. What on earth do you mean, Bishop? My parents were married. + 

Hotchkiss + 

You can’t remember, Cecil. + 

Sykes + 

Well, I never asked my mother to show me her marriage lines, if that’s what you mean. What man ever has? I never suspected⁠—I never knew⁠—Are you joking? Or have we all gone mad? + 

The Bishop + 

Don’t be alarmed, Cecil. Let me explain. Your parents were not Anglicans. You were not, I think, Anglican yourself, until your second year at Oxford. They were Positivists. They went through the Positivist ceremony at Newton Hall in Fetter Lane after entering into the civil contract before the Registrar of the West Strand District. I ask you, as an Anglican Catholic, was that a marriage? + 

Sykes + 

Overwhelmed. Great Heavens, no! a thousand times, no. I never thought of that. I’m a child of sin. He collapses into the railed chair. + 

The Bishop + 

Oh, come, come! You are no more a child of sin than any Jew, or Mohammedan, or Nonconformist, or anyone else born outside the Church. But you see how it affects my view of the situation. To me there is only one marriage that is holy: the Church’s sacrament of marriage. Outside that, I can recognize no distinction between one civil contract and another. There was a time when all marriages were made in Heaven. But because the Church was unwise and would not make its ordinances reasonable, its power over men and women was taken away from it; and marriages gave place to contracts at a registry office. And now that our Governments refuse to make these contracts reasonable, those whom we in our blindness drove out of the Church will be driven out of the registry office; and we shall have the history of Ancient Rome repeated. We shall be joined by our solicitors for seven, fourteen, or twenty-one years⁠—or perhaps months. Deeds of partnership will replace the old vows. + 

The General + 

Would you, a Bishop, approve of such partnerships? + 

The Bishop + 

Do you think that I, a Bishop, approve of the Deceased Wife’s Sister Act? That did not prevent its becoming law. + 

The General + 

But when the Government sounded you as to whether you’d marry a man to his deceased wife’s sister you very naturally and properly told them you’d see them damned first. + 

The Bishop + 

Horrified. No, no, really, Boxer! You must not⁠— + 

The General + 

Impatiently. Oh, of course I don’t mean that you used those words. But that was the meaning and the spirit of it. + 

The Bishop + 

Not the spirit, Boxer, I protest. But never mind that. The point is that State marriage is already divorced from Church marriage. The relations between Leo and Rejjy and Sinjon are perfectly legal; but do you expect me, as a Bishop, to approve of them? + 

The General + 

I don’t defend Reginald. He should have kicked you out of the house, Mr. Hotchkiss. + 

Reginald + 

Rising. How could I kick him out of the house? He’s stronger than me: he could have kicked me out if it came to that. He did kick me out: what else was it but kicking out, to take my wife’s affections from me and establish himself in my place? He comes to the hearth. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I protest, Reginald, I said all that a man could to prevent the smash. + 

Reginald + 

Oh, I know you did: I don’t blame you: people don’t do these things to one another: they happen and they can’t be helped. What was I to do? I was old: she was young. I was dull: he was brilliant. I had a face like a walnut: he had a face like a mushroom. I was as glad to have him in the house as she was: he amused me. And we were a couple of fools: he gave us good advice⁠—told us what to do when we didn’t know. She found out that I wasn’t any use to her and he was; so she nabbed him and gave me the chuck. + 

Leo + 

If you don’t stop talking in that disgraceful way about our married life, I’ll leave the room and never speak to you again. + 

Reginald + 

You’re not going to speak to me again, anyhow, are you? Do you suppose I’m going to visit you when you marry him? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I hope so. Surely you’re not going to be vindictive, Rejjy. Besides, you’ll have all the advantages I formerly enjoyed. You’ll be the visitor, the relief, the new face, the fresh news, the hopeless attachment: I shall only be the husband. + 

Reginald + 

Savagely. Will you tell me this, any of you? how is it that we always get talking about Hotchkiss when our business is about Edith? He fumes up the kitchen to the tower and back to his chair. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Will somebody tell me how the world is to go on if nobody is to get married? + 

Sykes + 

Will somebody tell me what an honorable man and a sincere Anglican is to propose to a woman whom he loves and who loves him and won’t marry him? + 

Leo + 

Will somebody tell me how I’m to arrange to take care of Rejjy when I’m married to Sinjon. Rejjy must not be allowed to marry anyone else, especially that odious nasty creature that told all those wicked lies about him in Court. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Let us draw up the first English partnership deed. + 

Leo + 

For shame, Sinjon! + 

The Bishop + 

Somebody must begin, my dear. I’ve a very strong suspicion that when it is drawn up it will be so much worse than the existing law that you will all prefer getting married. We shall therefore be doing the greatest possible service to morality by just trying how the new system would work. + 

Lesbia + 

Suddenly reminding them of her forgotten presence as she stands thoughtfully in the garden doorway. I’ve been thinking. + 

The Bishop + 

To Hotchkiss. Nothing like making people think: is there, Sinjon? + 

Lesbia + 

Coming to the table, on the General’s left. A woman has no right to refuse motherhood. That is clear, after the statistics given in The Times by Mr. Sidney Webb. + 

The General + 

Mr. Webb has nothing to do with it. It is the Voice of Nature. + 

Lesbia + 

But if she is an English lady it is her right and her duty to stand out for honorable conditions. If we can agree on the conditions, I am willing to enter into an alliance with Boxer. + 

The General staggers to his feet, momentarily stupent and speechless. + 

Edith + 

Rising. And I with Cecil. + 

Leo + 

Rising. And I with Rejjy and St. John. + 

The General + 

Aghast. An alliance! Do you mean a⁠—a⁠—a⁠— + 

Reginald + 

She only means bigamy, as I understand her. + 

The General + 

Alfred: how long more are you going to stand there and countenance this lunacy? Is it a horrible dream or am I awake? In the name of common sense and sanity, let us go back to real life⁠— + 

Collins comes in through the tower, in alderman’s robes. The ladies who are standing sit down hastily, and look as unconcerned as possible. + 

Collins + 

Sorry to hurry you, my lord; but the Church has been full this hour past; and the organist has played all the wedding music in Lohengrin three times over. + 

The General + 

The very man we want. Alfred: I’m not equal to this crisis. You are not equal to it. The Army has failed. The Church has failed. I shall put aside all idle social distinctions and appeal to the Municipality. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Do, Boxer. He is sure to get us out of this difficulty. + 

Collins, a little puzzled, comes forward affably to Hotchkiss’s left. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Rising, impressed by the aldermanic gown. I’ve not had the pleasure. Will you introduce me? + 

Collins + 

Confidentially. All right, sir. Only the greengrocer, sir, in charge of the wedding breakfast. Mr. Alderman Collins, sir, when I’m in my gown. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Staggered. Very pleased indeed. He sits down again. + 

The Bishop + 

Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, Mr. Alderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him⁠— + 

Edith + 

Collins has known me from my childhood: I’m sure he will agree with me. + 

Collins + 

Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I ask what the difficulty is? + 

Edith + 

Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in the existing state of the law? + 

Sykes + 

Rising and coming to Collins’s left elbow. I put it to you as a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me? + 

Reginald + 

Leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collins and Sykes, who returns to his chair. That’s not the point. Let this be understood, Mr. Collins. It’s not the man who is backing out: it’s the woman. He posts himself on the hearth. + 

Lesbia + 

We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectly ready to make a reasonable arrangement. + 

Leo + 

With both men. + 

The General + 

The case is now before you, Mr. Collins. And I put it to you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazy nonsense? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

The world must go on, mustn’t it, Collins? + 

Collins + 

Snatching at this, the first intelligible proposition he has heard. Oh, the world will go on, ma’am don’t you be afraid of that. It ain’t so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of people think. + 

Edith + 

I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Have you the least idea of what they are talking about, Mr. Alderman? + 

Collins + 

Oh, that’s all right, Sir. The particulars don’t matter. I never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they say, that you don’t know? You pick it up as they go on talking. He goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the company. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen, it’s like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if you’re easygoing and don’t expect too much from it. But it doesn’t bear thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied up before they know what they’re letting themselves in for. There’s Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it; and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith and Mr. Sykes, you’ll never get married. Go and get married first: you’ll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Your warning comes too late. They’ve started arguing already. + 

The General + 

But you don’t take in the full⁠—well, I don’t wish to exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable offers, but as I understand it⁠—and I’m sure I beg your pardon most heartily, Lesbia, if I’m wrong, as I hope I am⁠—they actually call on us to enter into⁠—I’m sorry to use the expression; but what can I say?⁠—into alliances with them under contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors. + 

Collins + 

Dear me, General: that’s something new when the parties belong to the same class. + 

The Bishop + 

Not new, Collins. The Romans did it. + 

Collins + 

Yes: they would, them Romans. When you’re in Rome do as the Romans do, is an old saying. But we’re not in Rome at present, my lord. + 

The Bishop + 

We have got into many of their ways. What do you think of the contract system, Collins? + 

Collins + 

Well, my lord, when there’s a question of a contract, I always say, show it to me on paper. If it’s to be talk, let it be talk; but if it’s to be a contract, down with it in black and white; and then we shall know what we’re about. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Quite right, Mr. Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop? + 

The Bishop + 

Do, Sinjon. + 

Hotchkiss goes into the library. + 

Collins + 

If I might point out a difficulty, my lord⁠— + 

The Bishop + 

Certainly. He goes to the fourth chair from the General’s left, but before sitting down, courteously points to the chair at the end of the table next the hearth. Won’t you sit down, Mr. Alderman? Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop’s distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his seat. + 

Collins + 

We are at present six men to four ladies. That’s not fair. + 

Reginald + 

Not fair to the men, you mean. + 

Leo + 

Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in him? + 

Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the Bishop. + 

Collins + 

I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen: I don’t trust my judgment on this subject. There’s a certain lady that I always consult on delicate points like this. She has a very exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament and instinct in affairs of the heart. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Excuse me, Mr. Alderman: I’m a snob; and I warn you that there’s no use consulting anyone who will not advise us frankly on class lines. Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us. What is the social position of this lady? + 

Collins + 

The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress. But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in-law. To the Bishop. I’ve often spoken of her to your lady, my lord. To Mrs. Bridgenorth. Mrs. George, ma’am. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Startled. Do you mean to say, Collins, that Mrs. George is a real person? + 

Collins + 

Equally startled. Didn’t you believe in her, ma’am? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Never for a moment. + 

The Bishop + 

We always thought that Mrs. George was too good to be true. I still don’t believe in her, Collins. You must produce her if you are to convince me. + 

Collins + 

Overwhelmed. Well, I’m so taken aback by this that⁠—Well I never!!! Why! she’s at the church at this moment, waiting to see the wedding. + 

The Bishop + 

Then produce her. Collins shakes his head. Come, Collins! confess. There’s no such person. + 

Collins + 

There is, my lord: there is, I assure you. You ask George. It’s true I can’t produce her; but you can, my lord. + 

The Bishop + 

I! + 

Collins + 

Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her meet you. I’ve asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if you order her to come as her Bishop, she’ll come. She has some very strange fancies, has Mrs. George. Send your ring to her, my lord⁠—he official ring⁠—send it by some very stylish gentleman⁠—perhaps Mr. Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it⁠—and she’ll come. + 

The Bishop + 

Taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss. Oblige me by undertaking the mission. + 

Hotchkiss + 

But how am I to know the lady? + 

Collins + 

She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you; and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back. + 

Hotchkiss + 

No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I run away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline the mission. + 

The General + 

Rising impressively. Be good enough to give me that ring, Mr. Hotchkiss. + 

Hotchkiss + 

With pleasure. He hands it to him. + 

The General + 

I shall have the great pleasure, Mr. Alderman, in waiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop’s orders; and I shall be proud to return with municipal honors. He stalks out gallantly, Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity. + 

Reginald + 

Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way. + 

Hotchkiss + 

His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He will take all the attention off the Beadle. + 

Collins + 

I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with the contract while we’re waiting. The truth is, we shall none of us have much of a look-in when Mrs. George comes; so we had better finish the writing part of the business before she arrives. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I think I have the preliminaries down all right. Reading. ‘Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blank between blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank, Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, and blank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter called the Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed as follows.’ + 

Leo + 

Rising. You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The lady comes first. She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draft over his shoulder. + 

Hotchkiss + 

To be sure. I beg your pardon. He alters the draft. + 

Leo + 

And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. There ought to be two gentlemen. + 

Collins + 

Oh, that’s a mere matter of form, ma’am. Any number of ladies or gentlemen can be put in. + 

Leo + 

Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, that creature wasn’t a lady. + 

Reginald + 

You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort of contract for everybody: it’s not your tract. + 

Leo + 

Then what use is it to me? + 

Hotchkiss + 

You will get some hints from it for your own contract. + 

Edith + 

I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the plain straightforward truth and nothing but the truth. + 

Collins + 

Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. There’s nothing underhand, I assure you. It’s a model agreement, as it were. + 

Edith + 

Unconvinced. I hope so. + 

Hotchkiss + 

What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? You know, Mr. Alderman. + 

Collins + 

At a loss. Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees to that. I’ve got out of the habit of thinking for myself in these little matters. Perhaps his lordship knows. + 

The Bishop + 

I’m sorry to say I don’t. Soames will know. Alice, where is Soames? + 

Hotchkiss + 

He’s in there. Pointing to the study. + 

The Bishop + 

To his wife. Coax him to join us, my love. Mrs. Bridgenorth goes into the study. Soames is my chaplain, Mr. Collins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church of England today is that the affairs of the diocese make it necessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man of business, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours a day. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that the spiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the souls and imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly to the devil⁠— + 

Edith + 

Shocked. Papa! + 

The Bishop + 

I am speaking technically, not in Boxer’s manner. Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction that they gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest men in the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way out of this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames, though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret history. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine who habitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman. Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age of fifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didn’t dare to, because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life. So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died⁠—by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever, and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart⁠—I ordained Soames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is a celibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears a cassock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than ever he had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free for the spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Coming back from the study with a knitting basket. Here he is. She resumes her seat, and knits. + 

Soames comes in in cassock and biretta. He salutes the company by blessing them with two fingers. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Take my place, Mr. Soames. He gives up his chair to him, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself. + 

The Bishop + 

No longer Mr. Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony. + 

Soames + 

Taking his seat. I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames. My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name of Anthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be very careful not to label a helpless child with views which it may come to hold in abhorrence. + 

The Bishop + 

Has Alice explained to you the nature of the document we are drafting? + 

Soames + 

She has indeed. + 

Lesbia + 

That sounds as if you disapproved. + 

Soames + 

It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the work that comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior. + 

The Bishop + 

Don’t be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us your best advice. + 

Soames + 

My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking the Christian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was founded to put an end to marriage and to put an end to property. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

But how could the world go on, Anthony? + 

Soames + 

Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business: keeping the world going is in higher hands. + 

Lesbia + 

Anthony: you’re impossible. + 

Soames + 

Taking up his pen. You won’t take my advice. I didn’t expect you would. Well, I await your instructions. + 

Reginald + 

We got stuck on the first clause. What should we begin with? + 

Soames + 

It is usual to begin with the term of the contract. + 

Edith + 

What does that mean? + 

Soames + 

The term of years for which it is to hold good. + 

Leo + 

But this is a marriage contract. + 

Soames + 

Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day? + 

Reginald + 

Come, I say, Anthony! You’re worse than any of us. A day! + 

Soames + 

Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: what does it matter? + 

Leo + 

If the marriage is not to be forever, I’ll have nothing to do with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term of years. If the people don’t like it they can get divorced. + 

Reginald + 

It ought to be for just as long as the two people like. That’s what I say. + 

Collins + 

They may not agree on the point, sir. It’s often fast with one and loose with the other. + 

Lesbia + 

I should say for as long as the man behaves himself. + 

The Bishop + 

Suppose the woman doesn’t behave herself? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

The woman may have lost all her chances of a good marriage with anybody else. She should not be cast adrift. + 

Reginald + 

So may the man! What about his home? + 

Leo + 

The wife ought to keep an eye on him, and see that he is comfortable and takes care of himself properly. The other man won’t want her all the time. + 

Lesbia + 

There may not be another man. + 

Leo + 

Then why on earth should she leave him? + 

Lesbia + 

Because she wants to. + 

Leo + 

Oh, if people are going to be let do what they want to, then I call it simple immorality. She goes indignantly to the oak chest, and perches herself on it close beside Hotchkiss. + 

Reginald + 

Watching them sourly. You do it yourself, don’t you? + 

Leo + 

Oh, that’s quite different. Don’t make foolish witticisms, Rejjy. + 

The Bishop + 

We don’t seem to be getting on. What do you say, Mr. Alderman? + 

Collins + 

Well, my lord, you see people do persist in talking as if marriages was all of one sort. But there’s almost as many different sorts of marriages as there’s different sorts of people. There’s the young things that marry for love, not knowing what they’re doing, and the old things that marry for money and comfort and companionship. There’s the people that marry for children. There’s the people that don’t intend to have children and that aren’t fit to have them. There’s the people that marry because they’re so much run after by the other sex that they have to put a stop to it somehow. There’s the people that want to try a new experience, and the people that want to have done with experiences. How are you to please them all? Why, you’ll want half a dozen different sorts of contract. + 

The Bishop + 

Well, if so, let us draw them all up. Let us face it. + 

Reginald + 

Why should we be held together whether we like it or not? That’s the question that’s at the bottom of it all. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Because of the children, Rejjy. + 

Collins + 

But even then, ma’am, why should we be held together when that’s all over⁠—when the girls are married and the boys out in the world and in business for themselves? When that’s done with, the real work of the marriage is done with. If the two like to stay together, let them stay together. But if not, let them part, as old people in the workhouses do. They’ve had enough of one another. They’ve found one another out. Why should they be tied together to sit there grudging and hating and spiting one another like so many do? Put it twenty years from the birth of the youngest child. + 

Soames + 

How if there be no children? + 

Collins + 

Let ’em take one another on liking. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Collins! + 

Leo + 

You wicked old man⁠— + 

The Bishop + 

Remonstrating. My dear, my dear! + 

Lesbia + 

And what is a woman to live on, pray, when she is no longer liked, as you call it? + 

Soames + 

With sardonic formality. It is proposed that the term of the agreement be twenty years from the birth of the youngest child when there are children. Any amendment? + 

Leo + 

I protest. It must be for life. It would not be a marriage at all if it were not for life. + 

Soames + 

Mrs. Reginald Bridgenorth proposes life. Any seconder? + 

Leo + 

Don’t be soulless, Anthony. + 

Lesbia + 

I have a very important amendment. If there are any children, the man must be cleared completely out of the house for two years on each occasion. At such times he is superfluous, importunate, and ridiculous. + 

Collins + 

But where is he to go, miss? + 

Lesbia + 

He can go where he likes as long as he does not bother the mother. + 

Reginald + 

And is she to be left lonely⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Lonely! With her child. The poor woman would be only too glad to have a moment to herself. Don’t be absurd, Rejjy. + 

Reginald + 

That father is to be a wandering wretched outcast, living at his club, and seeing nobody but his friends’ wives! + 

Lesbia + 

Ironically. Poor fellow! + 

Hotchkiss + 

The friends’ wives are perhaps the solution of the problem. You see, their husbands will also be outcasts; and the poor ladies will occasionally pine for male society. + 

Lesbia + 

There is no reason why a mother should not have male society. What she clearly should not have is a husband. + 

Soames + 

Anything else, Miss Grantham? + 

Lesbia + 

Yes: I must have my own separate house, or my own separate part of a house. Boxer smokes: I can’t endure tobacco. Boxer believes that an open window means death from cold and exposure to the night air: I must have fresh air always. We can be friends; but we can’t live together; and that must be put in the agreement. + 

Edith + 

I’ve no objection to smoking; and as to opening the windows, Cecil will of course have to do what is best for his health. + 

The Bishop + 

Who is to be the judge of that, my dear? You or he? + 

Edith + 

Neither of us. We must do what the doctor orders. + 

Reginald + 

Doctor be⁠—! + 

Leo + 

Admonitorily. Rejjy! + 

Reginald + 

To Soames. You take my tip, Anthony. Put a clause into that agreement that the doctor is to have no say in the job. It’s bad enough for the two people to be married to one another without their both being married to the doctor as well. + 

Lesbia + 

That reminds me of something very important. Boxer believes in vaccination: I do not. There must be a clause that I am to decide on such questions as I think best. + 

Leo + 

To the Bishop. Baptism is nearly as important as vaccination: isn’t it? + 

The Bishop + 

It used to be considered so, my dear. + 

Leo + 

Well, Sinjon scoffs at it: he says that godfathers are ridiculous. I must be allowed to decide. + 

Reginald + 

Theyll be his children as well as yours, you know. + 

Leo + 

Don’t be indelicate, Rejjy. + 

Edith + 

You are forgetting the very important matter of money. + 

Collins + 

Ah! Money! Now we’re coming to it! + 

Edith + 

When I’m married I shall have practically no money except what I shall earn. + 

The Bishop + 

I’m sorry, Cecil. A Bishop’s daughter is a poor man’s daughter. + 

Sykes + 

But surely you don’t imagine that I’m going to let Edith work when we’re married. I’m not a rich man; but I’ve enough to spare her that; and when my mother dies⁠— + 

Edith + 

What nonsense! Of course I shall work when I’m married. I shall keep your house. + 

Sykes + 

Oh, that! + 

Reginald + 

You call that work? + 

Edith + 

Don’t you? Leo used to do it for nothing; so no doubt you thought it wasn’t work at all. Does your present housekeeper do it for nothing? + 

Reginald + 

But it will be part of your duty as a wife. + 

Edith + 

Not under this contract. I’ll not have it so. If I’m to keep the house, I shall expect Cecil to pay me at least as well as he would pay a hired housekeeper. I’ll not go begging to him every time I want a new dress or a cab fare, as so many women have to do. + 

Sykes + 

You know very well I would grudge you nothing, Edie. + 

Edith + 

Then don’t grudge me my self-respect and independence. I insist on it in fairness to you, Cecil, because in this way there will be a fund belonging solely to me; and if Slattox takes an action against you for anything I say, you can pay the damages and stop the interest out of my salary. + 

Soames + 

You forget that under this contract he will not be liable, because you will not be his wife in law. + 

Edith + 

Nonsense! Of course I shall be his wife. + 

Collins + 

His curiosity roused. Is Slattox taking an action against you, miss? Slattox is on the Council with me. Could I settle it? + 

Edith + 

He has not taken an action; but Cecil says he will. + 

Collins + 

What for, miss, if I may ask? + 

Edith + 

Slattox is a liar and a thief; and it is my duty to expose him. + 

Collins + 

You surprise me, miss. Of course Slattox is in a manner of speaking a liar. If I may say so without offence, we’re all liars, if it was only to spare one another’s feelings. But I shouldn’t call Slattox a thief. He’s not all that he should be, perhaps; but he pays his way. + 

Edith + 

If that is only your nice way of saying that Slattox is entirely unfit to have two hundred girls in his power as absolute slaves, then I shall say that too about him at the very next public meeting I address. He steals their wages under pretence of fining them. He steals their food under pretence of buying it for them. He lies when he denies having done it. And he does other things, as you evidently know, Collins. Therefore I give you notice that I shall expose him before all England without the least regard to the consequences to myself. + 

Sykes + 

Or to me? + 

Edith + 

I take equal risks. Suppose you felt it to be your duty to shoot Slattox, what would become of me and the children? I’m sure I don’t want anybody to be shot: not even Slattox; but if the public never will take any notice of even the most crying evil until somebody is shot, what are people to do but shoot somebody? + 

Soames + 

Inexorably. I’m waiting for my instructions as to the term of the agreement. + 

Reginald + 

Impatiently, leaving the hearth and going behind Soames. It’s no good talking all over the shop like this. We shall be here all day. I propose that the agreement holds good until the parties are divorced. + 

Soames + 

They can’t be divorced. They will not be married. + 

Reginald + 

But if they can’t be divorced, then this will be worse than marriage. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Of course it will. Do stop this nonsense. Why, who are the children to belong to? + 

Lesbia + 

We have already settled that they are to belong to the mother. + 

Reginald + 

No: I’m dashed if you have. I’ll fight for the ownership of my own children tooth and nail; and so will a good many other fellows, I can tell you. + 

Edith + 

It seems to me that they should be divided between the parents. If Cecil wishes any of the children to be his exclusively, he should pay a certain sum for the risk and trouble of bringing them into the world: say a thousand pounds apiece. The interest on this could go towards the support of the child as long as we live together. But the principal would be my property. In that way, if Cecil took the child away from me, I should at least be paid for what it had cost me. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Putting down her knitting in amazement. Edith! Who ever heard of such a thing!! + 

Edith + 

Well, how else do you propose to settle it? + 

The Bishop + 

There is such a thing as a favorite child. What about the youngest child⁠—the Benjamin⁠—the child of its parents’ matured strength and charity, always better treated and better loved than the unfortunate eldest children of their youthful ignorance and wilfulness? Which parent is to own the youngest child, payment or no payment? + 

Collins + 

There’s a third party, my lord. There’s the child itself. My wife is so fond of her children that they can’t call their lives their own. They all run away from home to escape from her. A child hasn’t a grown up person’s appetite for affection. A little of it goes a long way with them; and they like a good imitation of it better than the real thing, as every nurse knows. + 

Soames + 

Are you sure that any of us, young or old, like the real thing as well as we like an artistic imitation of it? Is not the real thing accursed? Are not the best beloved always the good actors rather than the true sufferers? Is not love always falsified in novels and plays to make it endurable? I have noticed in myself a great delight in pictures of the Saints and of Our Lady; but when I fall under that most terrible curse of the priest’s lot, the curse of Joseph pursued by the wife of Potiphar, I am invariably repelled and terrified. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Are you now speaking as a saint, Father Anthony, or as a solicitor? + 

Soames + 

There is no difference. There is not one Christian rule for solicitors and another for saints. Their hearts are alike; and their way of salvation is along the same road. + 

The Bishop + 

But “few there be that find it.” Can you find it for us, Anthony? + 

Soames + 

It lies broad before you. It is the way to destruction that is narrow and tortuous. Marriage is an abomination which the Church has founded to cast out and replace by the communion of saints. I learnt that from every marriage settlement I drew up as a solicitor no less than from inspired revelation. You have set yourselves here to put your sin before you in black and white; and you can’t agree upon or endure one article of it. + 

Sykes + 

It’s certainly rather odd that the whole thing seems to fall to pieces the moment you touch it. + 

The Bishop + 

You see, when you give the devil fair play he loses his case. He has not been able to produce even the first clause of a working agreement; so I’m afraid we can’t wait for him any longer. + 

Lesbia + 

Then the community will have to do without my children. + 

Edith + 

And Cecil will have to do without me. + 

Leo + 

Getting off the chest. And I positively will not marry Sinjon if he is not clever enough to make some provision for my looking after Rejjy. She leaves Hotchkiss, and goes back to her chair at the end of the table behind Mrs. Bridgenorth. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

And the world will come to an end with this generation, I suppose. + 

Collins + 

Can’t nothing be done, my lord? + 

The Bishop + 

You can make divorce reasonable and decent: that is all. + 

Lesbia + 

Thank you for nothing. If you will only make marriage reasonable and decent, you can do as you like about divorce. I have not stated my deepest objection to marriage; and I don’t intend to. There are certain rights I will not give any person over me. + 

Reginald + 

Well, I think it jolly hard that a man should support his wife for years, and lose the chance of getting a really good wife, and then have her refuse to be a wife to him. + 

Lesbia + 

I’m not going to discuss it with you, Rejjy. If your sense of personal honor doesn’t make you understand, nothing will. + 

Soames + 

Implacably. I’m still awaiting my instructions. + 

They look at one another, each waiting for one of the others to suggest something. Silence. + 

Reginald + 

Blankly. I suppose, after all, marriage is better than⁠—well, than the usual alternative. + 

Soames + 

Turning fiercely on him. What right have you to say so? You know that the sins that are wasting and maddening this unhappy nation are those committed in wedlock. + 

Collins + 

Well, the single ones can’t afford to indulge their affections the same as married people. + 

Soames + 

Away with it all, I say. You have your Master’s commandments. Obey them. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Rising and leaning on the back of the chair left vacant by the General. I really must point out to you, Father Anthony, that the early Christian rules of life were not made to last, because the early Christians did not believe that the world itself was going to last. Now we know that we shall have to go through with it. We have found that there are millions of years behind us; and we know that that there are millions before us. Mrs. Bridgenorth’s question remains unanswered. How is the world to go on? You say that that is our business⁠—that it is the business of Providence. But the modern Christian view is that we are here to do the business of Providence and nothing else. The question is, how. Am I not to use my reason to find out why? Isn’t that what my reason is for? Well, all my reason tells me at present is that you are an impracticable lunatic. + 

Soames + 

Does that help? + 

Hotchkiss + 

No. + 

Soames + 

Then pray for light. + 

Hotchkiss + 

No: I am a snob, not a beggar. He sits down in the General’s chair. + 

Collins + 

We don’t seem to be getting on, do we? Miss Edith: you and Mr. Sykes had better go off to church and settle the right and wrong of it afterwards. It’ll ease your minds, believe me: I speak from experience. You will burn your boats, as one might say. + 

Soames + 

We should never burn our boats. It is death in life. + 

Collins + 

Well, Father, I will say for you that you have views of your own and are not afraid to out with them. But some of us are of a more cheerful disposition. On the Borough Council now, you would be in a minority of one. You must take human nature as it is. + 

Soames + 

Upon what compulsion must I? I’ll take divine nature as it is. I’ll not hold a candle to the devil. + 

The Bishop + 

That’s a very unchristian way of treating the devil. + 

Reginald + 

Well, we don’t seem to be getting any further, do we? + 

The Bishop + 

Will you give it up and get married, Edith? + 

Edith + 

No. What I propose seems to me quite reasonable. + 

The Bishop + 

And you, Lesbia? + 

Lesbia + 

Never. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Never is a long word, Lesbia. Don’t say it. + 

Lesbia + 

With a flash of temper. Don’t pity me, Alice, please. As I said before, I am an English lady, quite prepared to do without anything I can’t have on honorable conditions. + 

Soames + 

After a silence expressive of utter deadlock. I am still awaiting my instructions. + 

Reginald + 

Well, we don’t seem to be getting along, do we? + 

Leo + 

Out of patience. You said that before, Rejjy. Do not repeat yourself. + 

Reginald + 

Oh, bother! He goes to the garden door and looks out gloomily. + 

Soames + 

Rising with the paper in his hands. Psha! He tears it in pieces. So much for the contract! + 

The Voice Of The Beadle + 

By your leave there, gentlemen. Make way for the Mayoress. Way for the worshipful the Mayoress, my lords and gentlemen. He comes in through the tower, in cocked hat and goldbraided overcoat, bearing the borough mace, and posts himself at the entrance. By your leave, gentlemen, way for the worshipful the Mayoress. + 

Collins + 

Moving back towards the wall. Mrs. George, my lord. + 

Mrs. George is every inch a Mayoress in point of stylish dressing; and she does it very well indeed. There is nothing quiet about Mrs. George; she is not afraid of colors, and knows how to make the most of them. Not at all a lady in Lesbia’s use of the term as a class label, she proclaims herself to the first glance as the triumphant, pampered, wilful, intensely alive woman who has always been rich among poor people. In a historical museum she would explain Edward the Fourth’s taste for shopkeepers’ wives. Her age, which is certainly 40, and might be 50, is carried off by her vitality, her resilient figure, and her confident carriage. So far, a remarkably well-preserved woman. But her beauty is wrecked, like an ageless landscape ravaged by long and fierce war. Her eyes are alive, arresting and haunting; and there is still a turn of delicate beauty and pride in her indomitable chin; but her cheeks are wasted and lined, her mouth writhen and piteous. The whole face is a battlefield of the passions, quite deplorable until she speaks, when an alert sense of fun rejuvenates her in a moment, and makes her company irresistible. + 

All rise except Soames, who sits down. Leo joins Reginald at the garden door. Mrs. Bridgenorth hurries to the tower to receive her guest, and gets as far as Soames’s chair when Mrs. George appears. Hotchkiss, apparently recognizing her, recoils in consternation to the study door at the furthest corner of the room from her. + 

Mrs. George + 

Coming straight to the Bishop with the ring in her hand. Here is your ring, my lord; and here am I. It’s your doing, remember: not mine. + 

The Bishop + 

Good of you to come. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

How do you do, Mrs. Collins? + 

Mrs. George + 

Going to her past the Bishop, and gazing intently at her. Are you his wife? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

The Bishop’s wife? Yes. + 

Mrs. George + 

What a destiny! And you look like any other woman! + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Introducing Lesbia. My sister, Miss Grantham. + 

Mrs. George + 

So strangely mixed up with the story of the General’s life? + 

The Bishop + 

You know the story of his life, then? + 

Mrs. George + 

Not all. We reached the house before he brought it up to the present day. But enough to know the part played in it by Miss Grantham. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Introducing Leo. Mrs. Reginald Bridgenorth. + 

Reginald + 

The late Mrs. Reginald Bridgenorth. + 

Leo + 

Hold your tongue, Rejjy. At least have the decency to wait until the decree is made absolute. + 

Mrs. George + 

To Leo. Well, you’ve more time to get married again than he has, haven’t you? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Introducing Hotchkiss. Mr. St. John Hotchkiss. + 

Hotchkiss, still far aloof by the study door, bows. + 

Mrs. George + 

What! That! She makes a half tour of the kitchen and ends right in front of him. Young man: do you remember coming into my shop and telling me that my husband’s coals were out of place in your cellar, as Nature evidently intended them for the roof? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I remember that deplorable impertinence with shame and confusion. You were kind enough to answer that Mr. Collins was looking out for a clever young man to write advertisements, and that I could take the job if I liked. + 

Mrs. George + 

It’s still open. She turns to Edith. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

My daughter Edith. She comes towards the study door to make the introduction. + 

Mrs. George + 

The bride! Looking at Edith’s dressing-jacket. You’re not going to get married like that, are you? + 

The Bishop + 

Coming round the table to Edith’s left. That’s just what we are discussing. Will you be so good as to join us and allow us the benefit of your wisdom and experience? + 

Mrs. George + 

Do you want the Beadle as well? He’s a married man. + 

They all turn, involuntarily and contemplate the Beadle, who sustains their gaze with dignity. + 

The Bishop + 

We think there are already too many men to be quite fair to the women. + 

Mrs. George + 

Right, my lord. She goes back to the tower and addresses the Beadle. Take away that bauble, Joseph. Wait for me wherever you find yourself most comfortable in the neighborhood. The Beadle withdraws. She notices Collins for the first time. Hullo, Bill: you’ve got ’em all on too. Go and hunt up a drink for Joseph: there’s a dear. Collins goes out. She looks at Soames’s cassock and biretta. What! Another uniform! Are you the sexton? He rises. + 

The Bishop + 

My chaplain, Father Anthony. + 

Mrs. George + 

Oh Lord! To Soames, coaxingly. You don’t mind, do you? + 

Soames + 

I mind nothing but my duties. + 

The Bishop + 

You know everybody now, I think. + 

Mrs. George + 

Turning to the railed chair. Who’s this? + 

The Bishop + 

Oh, I beg your pardon, Cecil. Mr. Sykes. The bridegroom. + 

Mrs. George + 

To Sykes. Adorned for the sacrifice, aren’t you? + 

Sykes + 

It seems doubtful whether there is going to be any sacrifice. + 

Mrs. George + 

Well, I want to talk to the women first. Shall we go upstairs and look at the presents and dresses? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

If you wish, certainly. + 

Reginald + 

But the men want to hear what you have to say too. + 

Mrs. George + 

I’ll talk to them afterwards: one by one. + 

Hotchkiss + 

To himself. Great heavens! + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

This way, Mrs. Collins. She leads the way out through the tower, followed by Mrs. George, Lesbia, Leo, and Edith. + 

The Bishop + 

Shall we try to get through the last batch of letters whilst they are away, Soames? + 

Soames + 

Yes, certainly. To Hotchkiss, who is in his way. Excuse me. + 

The Bishop and Soames go into the study, disturbing Hotchkiss, who, plunged in a strange reverie, has forgotten where he is. Awakened by Soames, he stares distractedly; then, with sudden resolution, goes swiftly to the middle of the kitchen. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Cecil. Rejjy. Startled by his urgency, they hurry to him. I’m frightfully sorry to desert on this day; but I must bolt. This time it really is pure cowardice. I can’t help it. + 

Reginald + 

What are you afraid of? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I don’t know. Listen to me. I was a young fool living by myself in London. I ordered my first ton of coals from that woman’s husband. At that time I did not know that it is not true economy to buy the lowest priced article: I thought all coals were alike, and tried the thirteen shilling kind because it seemed cheap. It proved unexpectedly inferior to the family Silkstone; and in the irritation into which the first scuttle threw me, I called at the shop and made an idiot of myself as she described. + 

Sykes + 

Well, suppose you did! Laugh at it, man. + 

Hotchkiss + 

At that, yes. But there was something worse. Judge of my horror when, calling on the coal merchant to make a trifling complaint at finding my grate acting as a battery of quick-firing guns, and being confronted by his vulgar wife, I felt in her presence an extraordinary sensation of unrest, of emotion, of unsatisfied need. I’ll not disgust you with details of the madness and folly that followed that meeting. But it went as far as this: that I actually found myself prowling past the shop at night under a sort of desperate necessity to be near some place where she had been. A hideous temptation to kiss the doorstep because her foot had pressed it made me realize how mad I was. I tore myself away from London by a supreme effort; but I was on the point of returning like a needle to the lodestone when the outbreak of the war saved me. On the field of battle the infatuation wore off. The Billiter affair made a new man of me: I felt that I had left the follies and puerilities of the old days behind me forever. But half-an-hour ago⁠—when the Bishop sent off that ring⁠—a sudden grip at the base of my heart filled me with a nameless terror⁠—me, the fearless! I recognized its cause when she walked into the room. Cecil: this woman is a harpy, a siren, a mermaid, a vampire. There is only one chance for me: flight, instant precipitate flight. Make my excuses. Forget me. Farewell. He makes for the door and is confronted by Mrs. George entering. Too late: I’m lost. He turns back and throws himself desperately into the chair nearest the study door; that being the furthest away from her. + 

Mrs. George + 

Coming to the hearth and addressing Reginald. Mr. Bridgenorth: will you oblige me by leaving me with this young man. I want to talk to him like a mother, on your business. + 

Reginald + 

Do, ma’am. He needs it badly. Come along, Sykes. He goes into the study. + 

Sykes + 

Looks irresolutely at Hotchkiss.⁠—? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Too late: you can’t save me now, Cecil. Go. + 

Sykes goes into the study. Mrs. George strolls across to Hotchkiss and contemplates him curiously. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Useless to prolong this agony. Rising. Fatal woman⁠—if woman you are indeed and not a fiend in human form⁠— + 

Mrs. George + 

Is this out of a book? Or is it your usual society small talk? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Recklessly. Jibes are useless: the force that is sweeping me away will not spare you. I must know the worst at once. What was your father? + 

Mrs. George + 

A licensed victualler who married his barmaid. You would call him a publican, most likely. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Then you are a woman totally beneath me. Do you deny it? Do you set up any sort of pretence to be my equal in rank, in age, or in culture? + 

Mrs. George + 

Have you eaten anything that has disagreed with you? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Witheringly. Inferior! + 

Mrs. George + 

Thank you. Anything else? + 

Hotchkiss + 

This. I love you. My intentions are not honorable. She shows no dismay. Scream. Ring the bell. Have me turned out of the house. + 

Mrs. George + 

With sudden depth of feeling. Oh, if you could restore to this wasted exhausted heart one ray of the passion that once welled up at the glance at the touch of a lover! It’s you who would scream then, young man. Do you see this face, once fresh and rosy like your own, now scarred and riven by a hundred burnt-out fires? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Wildly. Slate fires. Thirteen shillings a ton. Fires that shoot out destructive meteors, blinding and burning, sending men into the streets to make fools of themselves. + 

Mrs. George + 

You seem to have got it pretty bad, Sinjon. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Don’t dare call me Sinjon. + 

Mrs. George + 

My name is Zenobia Alexandrina. You may call me Polly for short. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Your name is Ashtoreth⁠—Durga⁠—there is no name yet invented malign enough for you. + 

Mrs. George + 

Sitting down comfortably. Come! Do you really think you’re better suited to that young sauce box than her husband? You enjoyed her company when you were only the friend of the family⁠—when there was the husband there to show off against and to take all the responsibility. Are you sure you’ll enjoy it as much when you are the husband? She isn’t clever, you know. She’s only silly-clever. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Uneasily leaning against the table and holding on to it to control his nervous movements. Need you tell me? fiend that you are! + 

Mrs. George + 

You amused the husband, didn’t you? + 

Hotchkiss + 

He has more real sense of humor than she. He’s better bred. That was not my fault. + 

Mrs. George + 

My husband has a sense of humor too. + 

Hotchkiss + 

The coal merchant?⁠—I mean the slate merchant. + 

Mrs. George + 

Appreciatively. He would just love to hear you talk. He’s been dull lately for want of a change of company and a bit of fresh fun. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Flinging a chair opposite her and sitting down with an overdone attempt at studied insolence. And pray what is your wretched husband’s vulgar conviviality to me? + 

Mrs. George + 

You love me? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I loathe you. + 

Mrs. George + 

It’s the same thing. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Then I’m lost. + 

Mrs. George + 

You may come and see me if you promise to amuse George. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I’ll insult him, sneer at him, wipe my boots on him. + 

Mrs. George + 

No you won’t, dear boy. You’ll be a perfect gentleman. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Beaten; appealing to her mercy. Zenobia⁠— + 

Mrs. George + 

Polly, please. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Mrs. Collins⁠— + 

Mrs. George + 

Sir? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Something stronger than my reason and common sense is holding my hands and tearing me along. I make no attempt to deny that it can drag me where you please and make me do what you like. But at least let me know your soul as you seem to know mine. Do you love this absurd coal merchant? + 

Mrs. George + 

Call him George. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Do you love your Jorjy Porjy? + 

Mrs. George + 

Oh, I don’t know that I love him. He’s my husband, you know. But if I got anxious about George’s health, and I thought it would nourish him, I would fry you with onions for his breakfast and think nothing of it. George and I are good friends. George belongs to me. Other men may come and go; but George goes on forever. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Yes: a husband soon becomes nothing but a habit. Listen: I suppose this detestable fascination you have for me is love. + 

Mrs. George + 

Any sort of feeling for a woman is called love nowadays. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Do you love me? + 

Mrs. George + 

Promptly. My love is not quite so cheap an article as that, my lad. I wouldn’t cross the street to have another look at you⁠—not yet. I’m not starving for love like the robins in winter, as the good ladies you’re accustomed to are. You’ll have to be very clever, and very good, and very real, if you are to interest me. If George takes a fancy to you, and you amuse him enough, I’ll just tolerate you coming in and out occasionally for⁠—well, say a month. If you can make a friend of me in that time so much the better for you. If you can touch my poor dying heart even for an instant, I’ll bless you, and never forget you. You may try⁠—if George takes to you. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I’m to come on liking for the month? + 

Mrs. George + 

On condition that you drop Mrs. Reginald. + 

Hotchkiss + 

But she won’t drop me. Do you suppose I ever wanted to marry her? I was a homeless bachelor; and I felt quite happy at their house as their friend. Leo was an amusing little devil; but I liked Reginald much more than I liked her. She didn’t understand. One day she came to me and told me that the inevitable bad happened. I had tact enough not to ask her what the inevitable was; and I gathered presently that she had told Reginald that their marriage was a mistake and that she loved me and could no longer see me breaking my heart for her in suffering silence. What could I say? What could I do? What can I say now? What can I do now? + 

Mrs. George + 

Tell her that the habit of falling in love with other men’s wives is growing on you; and that I’m your latest. + 

Hotchkiss + 

What! Throw her over when she has thrown Reginald over for me! + 

Mrs. George + 

Rising. You won’t then? Very well. Sorry we shan’t meet again: I should have liked to see more of you for George’s sake. Goodbye. She moves away from him towards the hearth. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Appealing. Zenobia⁠— + 

Mrs. George + 

I thought I had made a difficult conquest. Now I see you are only one of those poor petticoat-hunting creatures that any woman can pick up. Not for me, thank you. Inexorable, she turns towards the tower to go. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Following. Don’t be an ass, Polly. + 

Mrs. George + 

Stopping. That’s better. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Can’t you see that I mayn’t throw Leo over just because I should be only too glad to. It would be dishonorable. + 

Mrs. George + 

Will you be happy if you marry her? + 

Hotchkiss + 

No, great heaven, no! + 

Mrs. George + 

Will she be happy when she finds you out? + 

Hotchkiss + 

She’s incapable of happiness. But she’s not incapable of the pleasure of holding a man against his will. + 

Mrs. George + 

Right, young man. You will tell her, please, that you love me: before everybody, mind, the very next time you see her. + 

Hotchkiss + 

But⁠— + 

Mrs. George + 

Those are my orders, Sinjon. I can’t have you marry another woman until George is tired of you. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Oh, if I only didn’t selfishly want to obey you! + 

The General comes in from the garden. Mrs. George goes halfway to the garden door to speak to him. Hotchkiss posts himself on the hearth. + 

Mrs. George + 

Where have you been all this time? + 

The General + 

I’m afraid my nerves were a little upset by our conversation. I just went into the garden and had a smoke. I’m all right now. He strolls down to the study door and presently takes a chair at that end of the big table. + 

Mrs. George + 

A smoke! Why, you said she couldn’t bear it. + 

The General + 

Good heavens! I forgot! It’s such a natural thing to do, somehow. + 

Lesbia comes in through the tower. + 

Mrs. George + 

He’s been smoking again. + 

Lesbia + 

So my nose tells me. She goes to the end of the table nearest the hearth, and sits down. + 

The General + 

Lesbia: I’m very sorry. But if I gave it up, I should become so melancholy and irritable that you would be the first to implore me to take to it again. + 

Mrs. George + 

That’s true. Women drive their husbands into all sorts of wickedness to keep them in good humor. Sinjon: be off with you: this doesn’t concern you. + 

Lesbia + 

Please don’t disturb yourself, Sinjon. Boxer’s broken heart has been worn on his sleeve too long for any pretence of privacy. + 

The General + 

You are cruel, Lesbia: devilishly cruel. He sits down, wounded. + 

Lesbia + 

You are vulgar, Boxer. + 

Hotchkiss + 

In what way? I ask, as an expert in vulgarity. + 

Lesbia + 

In two ways. First, he talks as if the only thing of any importance in life was which particular woman he shall marry. Second, he has no self control. + 

The General + 

Women are not all the same to me, Lesbia. + 

Mrs. George + 

Why should they be, pray? Women are all different: it’s the men who are all the same. Besides, what does Miss Grantham know about either men or women? She’s got too much self control. + 

Lesbia + 

Widening her eyes and lifting her chin haughtily. And pray how does that prevent me from knowing as much about men and women as people who have no self control? + 

Mrs. George + 

Because it frightens people into behaving themselves before you; and then how can you tell what they really are? Look at me! I was a spoilt child. My brothers and sisters were well brought up, like all children of respectable publicans. So should I have been if I hadn’t been the youngest: ten years younger than my youngest brother. My parents were tired of doing their duty by their children by that time; and they spoilt me for all they were worth. I never knew what it was to want money or anything that money could buy. When I wanted my own way, I had nothing to do but scream for it till I got it. When I was annoyed I didn’t control myself: I scratched and called names. Did you ever, after you were grown up, pull a grown up woman’s hair? Did you ever bite a grown up man? Did you ever call both of them every name you could lay your tongue to? + 

Lesbia + 

Shivering with disgust. No. + 

Mrs. George + 

Well, I did. I know what a woman is like when her hair’s pulled. I know what a man is like when he’s bit. I know what they’re both like when you tell them what you really feel about them. And that’s how I know more of the world than you. + 

Lesbia + 

The Chinese know what a man is like when he is cut into a thousand pieces, or boiled in oil. That sort of knowledge is of no use to me. I’m afraid we shall never get on with one another, Mrs. George. I live like a fencer, always on guard. I like to be confronted with people who are always on guard. I hate sloppy people, slovenly people, people who can’t sit up straight, sentimental people. + 

Mrs. George + 

Oh, sentimental your grandmother! You don’t learn to hold your own in the world by standing on guard, but by attacking, and getting well hammered yourself. + 

Lesbia + 

I’m not a prizefighter, Mrs. Collins. If I can’t get a thing without the indignity of fighting for it, I do without it. + 

Mrs. George + 

Do you? Does it strike you that if we were all as clever as you at doing without, there wouldn’t be much to live for, would there? + 

The General + 

I’m afraid, Lesbia, the things you do without are the things you don’t want. + 

Lesbia + 

Surprised at his wit. That’s not bad for the silly soldier man. Yes, Boxer: the truth is, I don’t want you enough to make the very unreasonable sacrifices required by marriage. And yet that is exactly why I ought to be married. Just because I have the qualities my country wants most I shall go barren to my grave; whilst the women who have neither the strength to resist marriage nor the intelligence to understand its infinite dishonor will make the England of the future. She rises and walks towards the study. + 

The General + 

As she is about to pass him. Well, I shall not ask you again, Lesbia. + 

Lesbia + 

Thank you, Boxer. She passes on to the study door. + 

Mrs. George + 

You’re quite done with him, are you? + 

Lesbia + 

As far as marriage is concerned, yes. The field is clear for you, Mrs. George. She goes into the study. + 

The General buries his face in his hands. Mrs. George comes round the table to him. + 

Mrs. George + 

Sympathetically. She’s a nice woman, that. And a sort of beauty about her too, different from anyone else. + 

The General + 

Overwhelmed. Oh Mrs. Collins, thank you, thank you a thousand times. He rises effusively. You have thawed the long-frozen springs. He kisses her hand. Forgive me; and thank you: bless you⁠—He again takes refuge in the garden, choked with emotion. + 

Mrs. George + 

Looking after him triumphantly. Just caught the dear old warrior on the bounce, eh? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Unfaithful to me already! + 

Mrs. George + 

I’m not your property, young man: don’t you think it. She goes over to him and faces him. You understand that? He suddenly snatches her into his arms and kisses her. Oh! You dare do that again, you young blackguard; and I’ll jab one of these chairs in your face. She seizes one and holds it in readiness. Now you shall not see me for another month. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Deliberately. I shall pay my first visit to your husband this afternoon. + 

Mrs. George + 

You’ll see what he’ll say to you when I tell him what you’ve just done. + 

Hotchkiss + 

What can he say? What dare he say? + 

Mrs. George + 

Suppose he kicks you out of the house? + 

Hotchkiss + 

How can he? I’ve fought seven duels with sabres. I’ve muscles of iron. Nothing hurts me: not even broken bones. Fighting is absolutely uninteresting to me because it doesn’t frighten me or amuse me; and I always win. Your husband is in all these respects an average man, probably. He will be horribly afraid of me; and if under the stimulus of your presence, and for your sake, and because it is the right thing to do among vulgar people, he were to attack me, I should simply defeat him and humiliate him. He gradually gets his hands on the chair and takes it from her, as his words go home phrase by phrase. Sooner than expose him to that, you would suffer a thousand stolen kisses, wouldn’t you? + 

Mrs. George + 

In utter consternation. You young viper! + 

Hotchkiss + 

Ha ha! You are in my power. That is one of the oversights of your code of honor for husbands: the man who can bully them can insult their wives with impunity. Tell him if you dare. If I choose to take ten kisses, how will you prevent me? + 

Mrs. George + 

You come within reach of me and I’ll not leave a hair on your head. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Catching her wrists dexterously. I’ve got your hands. + 

Mrs. George + 

You’ve not got my teeth. Let go; or I’ll bite. I will, I tell you. Let go. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Bite away: I shall taste quite as nice as George. + 

Mrs. George + 

You beast. Let me go. Do you call yourself a gentleman, to use your brute strength against a woman? + 

Hotchkiss + 

You are stronger than me in every way but this. Do you think I will give up my one advantage? Promise you’ll receive me when I call this afternoon. + 

Mrs. George + 

After what you’ve just done? Not if it was to save my life. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I’ll amuse George. + 

Mrs. George + 

He won’t be in. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Taken aback. Do you mean that we should be alone? + 

Mrs. George + 

Snatching away her hands triumphantly as his grasp relaxes. Aha! That’s cooled you, has it? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Anxiously. When will George be at home? + 

Mrs. George + 

It won’t matter to you whether he’s at home or not. The door will be slammed in your face whenever you call. + 

Hotchkiss + 

No servant in London is strong enough to close a door that I mean to keep open. You can’t escape me. If you persist, I’ll go into the coal trade; make George’s acquaintance on the coal exchange; and coax him to take me home with him to make your acquaintance. + 

Mrs. George + 

We have no use for you, young man: neither George nor I. She sails away from him and sits down at the end of the table near the study door. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Following her and taking the next chair round the corner of the table. Yes you have. George can’t fight for you: I can. + 

Mrs. George + 

Turning to face him. You bully. You low bully. + 

Hotchkiss + 

You have courage and fascination: I have courage and a pair of fists. We’re both bullies, Polly. + 

Mrs. George + 

You have a mischievous tongue. That’s enough to keep you out of my house. + 

Hotchkiss + 

It must be rather a house of cards. A word from me to George⁠—just the right word, said in the right way⁠—and down comes your house. + 

Mrs. George + 

That’s why I’ll die sooner than let you into it. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Then as surely as you live, I enter the coal trade tomorrow. George’s taste for amusing company will deliver him into my hands. Before a month passes your home will be at my mercy. + 

Mrs. George + 

Rising, at bay. Do you think I’ll let myself be driven into a trap like this? + 

Hotchkiss + 

You are in it already. Marriage is a trap. You are married. Any man who has the power to spoil your marriage has the power to spoil your life. I have that power over you. + 

Mrs. George + 

Desperate. You mean it? + 

Hotchkiss + 

I do. + 

Mrs. George + 

Resolutely. Well, spoil my marriage and be⁠— + 

Hotchkiss + 

Springing up. Polly! + 

Mrs. George + 

Sooner than be your slave I’d face any unhappiness. + 

Hotchkiss + 

What! Even for George? + 

Mrs. George + 

There must be honor between me and George, happiness or no happiness. Do your worst. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Admiring her. Are you really game, Polly? Dare you defy me? + 

Mrs. George + 

If you ask me another question I shan’t be able to keep my hands off you. She dashes distractedly past him to the other end of the table, her fingers crisping. + 

Hotchkiss + 

That settles it. Polly: I adore you: we were born for one another. As I happen to be a gentleman, I’ll never do anything to annoy or injure you except that I reserve the right to give you a black eye if you bite me; but you’ll never get rid of me now to the end of your life. + 

Mrs. George + 

I shall get rid of you if the beadle has to brain you with the mace for it. She makes for the tower. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Running between the table and the oak chest and across to the tower to cut her off. You shan’t. + 

Mrs. George + 

Panting. Shan’t I though? + 

Hotchkiss + 

No you shan’t. I have one card left to play that you’ve forgotten. Why were you so unlike yourself when you spoke to the Bishop? + 

Mrs. George + 

Agitated beyond measure. Stop. Not that. You shall respect that if you respect nothing else. I forbid you. He kneels at her feet. What are you doing? Get up: don’t be a fool. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Polly: I ask you on my knees to let me make George’s acquaintance in his home this afternoon; and I shall remain on my knees till the Bishop comes in and sees us. What will he think of you then? + 

Mrs. George + 

Beside herself. Where’s the poker? + 

She rushes to the fireplace; seizes the poker; and makes for Hotchkiss, who flies to the study door. The Bishop enters just then and finds himself between them, narrowly escaping a blow from the poker. + 

The Bishop + 

Don’t hit him, Mrs. Collins. He is my guest. + 

Mrs. George throws down the poker; collapses into the nearest chair; and bursts into tears. The Bishop goes to her and pats her consolingly on the shoulder. She shudders all through at his touch. + 

The Bishop + 

Come! you are in the house of your friends. Can we help you? + 

Mrs. George + 

To Hotchkiss, pointing to the study. Go in there, you. You’re not wanted here. + 

Hotchkiss + 

You understand, Bishop, that Mrs. Collins is not to blame for this scene. I’m afraid I’ve been rather irritating. + 

The Bishop + 

I can quite believe it, Sinjon. + 

Hotchkiss goes into the study. + 

The Bishop + 

Turning to Mrs. George with great kindness of manner. I’m sorry you have been worried. He sits down on her left. Never mind him. A little pluck, a little gaiety of heart, a little prayer; and you’ll be laughing at him. + 

Mrs. George + 

Never fear. I have all that. It was as much my fault as his; and I should have put him in his place with a clip of that poker on the side of his head if you hadn’t come in. + 

The Bishop + 

You might have put him in his coffin that way, Mrs. Collins. And I should have been very sorry; because we are all fond of Sinjon. + 

Mrs. George + 

Yes: it’s your duty to rebuke me. But do you think I don’t know? + 

The Bishop + 

I don’t rebuke you. Who am I that I should rebuke you? Besides, I know there are discussions in which the poker is the only possible argument. + 

Mrs. George + 

My lord: be earnest with me. I’m a very funny woman, I daresay; but I come from the same workshop as you. I heard you say that yourself years ago. + 

The Bishop + 

Quite so; but then I’m a very funny Bishop. Since we are both funny people, let us not forget that humor is a divine attribute. + 

Mrs. George + 

I know nothing about divine attributes or whatever you call them; but I can feel when I am being belittled. It was from you that I learnt first to respect myself. It was through you that I came to be able to walk safely through many wild and wilful paths. Don’t go back on your own teaching. + 

The Bishop + 

I’m not a teacher: only a fellow traveller of whom you asked the way. I pointed ahead⁠—ahead of myself as well as of you. + 

Mrs. George + 

Rising and standing over him almost threateningly. As I’m a living woman this day, if I find you out to be a fraud, I’ll kill myself. + 

The Bishop + 

What! Kill yourself for finding out something! For becoming a wiser and therefore a better woman! What a bad reason! + 

Mrs. George + 

I have sometimes thought of killing you, and then killing myself. + 

The Bishop + 

Why on earth should you kill yourself⁠—not to mention me? + 

Mrs. George + 

So that we might keep our assignation in Heaven. + 

The Bishop + 

Rising and facing her, breathless. Mrs. Collins! You are Incognita Appassionata! + 

Mrs. George + 

You read my letters, then? With a sigh of grateful relief, she sits down quietly, and says, Thank you. + 

The Bishop + 

Remorsefully. And I have broken the spell by making you come here. Sitting down again. Can you ever forgive me? + 

Mrs. George + 

You couldn’t know that it was only the coal merchant’s wife, could you? + 

The Bishop + 

Why do you say only the coal merchant’s wife? + 

Mrs. George + 

Many people would laugh at it. + 

The Bishop + 

Poor people! It’s so hard to know the right place to laugh, isn’t it? + 

Mrs. George + 

I didn’t mean to make you think the letters were from a fine lady. I wrote on cheap paper; and I never could spell. + 

The Bishop + 

Neither could I. So that told me nothing. + 

Mrs. George + 

One thing I should like you to know. + 

The Bishop + 

Yes? + 

Mrs. George + 

We didn’t cheat your friend. They were as good as we could do at thirteen shillings a ton. + 

The Bishop + 

That’s important. Thank you for telling me. + 

Mrs. George + 

I have something else to say; but will you please ask somebody to come and stay here while we talk? He rises and turns to the study door. Not a woman, if you don’t mind. He nods understandingly and passes on. Not a man either. + 

The Bishop + 

Stopping. Not a man and not a woman! We have no children left, Mrs. Collins. They are all grown up and married. + 

Mrs. George + 

That other clergyman would do. + 

The Bishop + 

What! The sexton? + 

Mrs. George + 

Yes. He didn’t mind my calling him that, did he? It was only my ignorance. + 

The Bishop + 

Not at all. He opens the study door and calls, Soames! Anthony! To Mrs. George. Call him Father: he likes it. Soames appears at the study door. Mrs. Collins wishes you to join us, Anthony. + 

Soames looks puzzled. + 

Mrs. George + 

You don’t mind, Dad, do you? As this greeting visibly gives him a shock that hardly bears out the Bishop’s advice, she says anxiously, That was what you told me to call him, wasn’t it? + 

Soames + 

I am called Father Anthony, Mrs. Collins. But it does not matter what you call me. He comes in, and walks past her to the hearth. + 

The Bishop + 

Mrs. Collins has something to say to me that she wants you to hear. + 

Soames + 

I am listening. + 

The Bishop + 

Going back to his seat next her. Now. + 

Mrs. George + 

My lord: you should never have married. + 

Soames + 

This woman is inspired. Listen to her, my lord. + 

The Bishop + 

Taken aback by the directness of the attack. I married because I was so much in love with Alice that all the difficulties and doubts and dangers of marriage seemed to me the merest moonshine. + 

Mrs. George + 

Yes: it’s mean to let poor things in for so much while they’re in that state. Would you marry now that you know better if you were a widower? + 

The Bishop + 

I’m old now. It wouldn’t matter. + 

Mrs. George + 

But would you if it did matter? + 

The Bishop + 

I think I should marry again lest anyone should imagine I had found marriage unhappy with Alice. + 

Soames + 

Sternly. Are you fonder of your wife than of your salvation? + 

The Bishop + 

Oh, very much. When you meet a man who is very particular about his salvation, look out for a woman who is very particular about her character; and marry them to one another: they’ll make a perfect pair. I advise you to fall in love; Anthony. + 

Soames + 

With horror. I!! + 

The Bishop + 

Yes, you! think of what it would do for you. For her sake you would come to care unselfishly and diligently for money instead of being selfishly and lazily indifferent to it. For her sake you would come to care in the same way for preferment. For her sake you would come to care for your health, your appearance, the good opinion of your fellow creatures, and all the really important things that make men work and strive instead of mooning and nursing their salvation. + 

Soames + 

In one word, for the sake of one deadly sin I should come to care for all the others. + 

The Bishop + 

Saint Anthony! Tempt him, Mrs. Collins: tempt him. + 

Mrs. George + 

Rising and looking strangely before her. Take care, my lord: you still have the power to make me obey your commands. And do you, Mr. Sexton, beware of an empty heart. + 

The Bishop + 

Yes. Nature abhors a vacuum, Anthony. I would not dare go about with an empty heart: why, the first girl I met would fly into it by mere atmospheric pressure. Alice keeps them out now. Mrs. Collins knows. + 

Mrs. George + 

A faint convulsion passing like a wave over her. I know more than either of you. One of you has not yet exhausted his first love: the other has not yet reached it. But I⁠—I⁠—She reels and is again convulsed. + 

The Bishop + 

Saving her from falling. What’s the matter? Are you ill, Mrs. Collins? He gets her back into her chair. Soames: there’s a glass of water in the study⁠—quick. Soames hurries to the study door. + 

Mrs. George + 

No. Soames stops. Don’t call. Don’t bring anyone. Can’t you hear anything? + 

The Bishop + 

Nothing unusual. He sits by her, watching her with intense surprise and interest. + 

Mrs. George + 

No music? + 

Soames + 

No. He steals to the end of the table and sits on her right, equally interested. + 

Mrs. George + 

Do you see nothing⁠—not a great light? + 

The Bishop + 

We are still walking in darkness. + 

Mrs. George + 

Put your hand on my forehead: the hand with the ring. He does so. Her eyes close. + 

Soames + 

Inspired to prophesy. There was a certain woman, the wife of a coal merchant, which had been a great sinner⁠— + 

The Bishop, startled, takes his hand away. Mrs. George’s eyes open vividly as she interrupts Soames. + 

Mrs. George + 

You prophesy falsely, Anthony: never in all my life have I done anything that was not ordained for me. More quietly. I’ve been myself. I’ve not been afraid of myself. And at last I have escaped from myself, and am become a voice for them that are afraid to speak, and a cry for the hearts that break in silence. + 

Soames + 

Whispering. Is she inspired? + 

The Bishop + 

Marvellous. Hush. + 

Mrs. George + 

I have earned the right to speak. I have dared: I have gone through: I have not fallen withered in the fire: I have come at last out beyond, to the back of Godspeed. + 

The Bishop + 

And what do you see there, at the back of Godspeed? + 

Soames + 

Hungrily. Give us your message. + 

Mrs. George + 

With intensely sad reproach. When you loved me I gave you the whole sun and stars to play with. I gave you eternity in a single moment, strength of the mountains in one clasp of your arms, and the volume of all the seas in one impulse of your souls. A moment only; but was it not enough? Were you not paid then for all the rest of your struggle on earth? Must I mend your clothes and sweep your floors as well? Was it not enough? I paid the price without bargaining: I bore the children without flinching: was that a reason for heaping fresh burdens on me? I carried the child in my arms: must I carry the father too? When I opened the gates of paradise, were you blind? was it nothing to you? When all the stars sang in your ears and all the winds swept you into the heart of heaven, were you deaf? were you dull? was I no more to you than a bone to a dog? Was it not enough? We spent eternity together; and you ask me for a little lifetime more. We possessed all the universe together; and you ask me to give you my scanty wages as well. I have given you the greatest of all things; and you ask me to give you little things. I gave you your own soul: you ask me for my body as a plaything. Was it not enough? Was it not enough? + 

Soames + 

Do you understand this, my lord? + 

The Bishop + 

I have that advantage over you, Anthony, thanks to Alice. He takes Mrs. George’s hand. Your hand is very cold. Can you come down to earth? Do you remember who I am, and who you are? + 

Mrs. George + 

It was enough for me. I did not ask to meet you⁠—to touch you⁠—the Bishop quickly releases her hand. When you spoke to my soul years ago from your pulpit, you opened the doors of my salvation to me; and now they stand open forever. It was enough: I have asked you for nothing since: I ask you for nothing now. I have lived: it is enough. I have had my wages; and I am ready for my work. I thank you and bless you and leave you. You are happier in that than I am; for when I do for men what you did for me, I have no thanks, and no blessing: I am their prey; and there is no rest from their loving and no mercy from their loathing. + 

The Bishop + 

You must take us as we are, Mrs. Collins. + 

Soames + 

No. Take us as we are capable of becoming. + 

Mrs. George + 

Take me as I am: I ask no more. She turns her head to the study door and cries, Yes: come in, come in. + 

Hotchkiss comes softly in from the study. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Will you be so kind as to tell me whether I am dreaming? In there I have heard Mrs. Collins saying the strangest things, and not a syllable from you two. + 

Soames + 

My lord; is this possession by the devil? + 

The Bishop + 

Or the ecstasy of a saint? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Or the convulsion of the pythoness on the tripod? + 

The Bishop + 

May not the three be one? + 

Mrs. George + 

Troubled. You are paining and tiring me with idle questions. You are dragging me back to myself. You are tormenting me with your evil dreams of saints and devils and⁠—what was it?⁠—striving to fathom it the pythoness⁠—the pythoness⁠—giving it up I don’t understand. I am a woman: a human creature like yourselves. Will you not take me as I am? + 

Soames + 

Yes; but shall we take you and burn you? + 

The Bishop + 

Or take you and canonize you? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Gaily. Or take you as a matter of course? Swiftly to the Bishop. We must get her out of this: it’s dangerous. Aloud to her. May I suggest that you shall be Anthony’s devil and the Bishop’s saint and my adored Polly? Slipping behind her, he picks up her hand from her lap and kisses it over her shoulder. + 

Mrs. George + 

Waking. What was that? Who kissed my hand? To the Bishop, eagerly. Was it you? He shakes his head. She is mortified. I beg your pardon. + 

The Bishop + 

Not at all. I’m not repudiating that honor. Allow me. He kisses her hand. + 

Mrs. George + 

Thank you for that. It was not the sexton, was it? + 

Soames + 

I! + 

Hotchkiss + 

It was I, Polly, your ever faithful. + 

Mrs. George + 

Turning and seeing him. Let me catch you doing it again: that’s all. How do you come there? I sent you away. With great energy, becoming quite herself again. What the goodness gracious has been happening? + 

Hotchkiss + 

As far as I can make out, you have been having a very charming and eloquent sort of fit. + 

Mrs. George + 

Delighted. What! My second sight! To the Bishop. Oh, how I have prayed that it might come to me if ever I met you! And now it has come. How stunning! You may believe every word I said: I can’t remember it now; but it was something that was just bursting to be said; and so it laid hold of me and said itself. That’s how it is, you see. + 

Edith and Cecil Sykes come in through the tower. She has her hat on. Leo follows. They have evidently been out together. Sykes, with an unnatural air, half foolish, half rakish, as if he had lost all his self-respect and were determined not to let it prey on his spirits, throws himself into a chair at the end of the table near the hearth and thrusts his hands into his pockets, like Hogarth’s Rake, without waiting for Edith to sit down. She sits in the railed chair. Leo takes the chair nearest the tower on the long side of the table, brooding, with closed lips. + 

The Bishop + 

Have you been out, my dear? + 

Edith + 

Yes. + 

The Bishop + 

With Cecil? + 

Edith + 

Yes. + 

The Bishop + 

Have you come to an understanding? + 

No reply. Blank silence. + 

Sykes + 

You had better tell them, Edie. + 

Edith + 

Tell them yourself. + 

The General comes in from the garden. + 

The General + 

Coming forward to the table. Can anybody oblige me with some tobacco? I’ve finished mine; and my nerves are still far from settled. + 

The Bishop + 

Wait a moment, Boxer. Cecil has something important to tell us. + 

Sykes + 

We’ve done it. That’s all. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Done what, Cecil? + 

Sykes + 

Well, what do you suppose? + 

Edith + 

Got married, of course. + 

The General + 

Married! Who gave you away? + 

Sykes + 

Jerking his head towards the tower. This gentleman did. Seeing that they do not understand, he looks round and sees that there is no one there. Oh! I thought he came in with us. He’s gone downstairs, I suppose. The Beadle. + 

The General + 

The Beadle! What the devil did he do that for? + 

Sykes + 

Oh, I don’t know: I didn’t make any bargain with him. To Mrs. George. How much ought I to give him, Mrs. Collins? + 

Mrs. George + 

Five shillings. To the Bishop. I want to rest for a moment: there! in your study. I saw it here. She touches her forehead. + 

The Bishop + 

Opening the study door for her. By all means. Turn my brother out if he disturbs you. Soames: bring the letters out here. + 

Sykes + 

He won’t be offended at my offering it, will he? + 

Mrs. George + 

Not he! He touches children with the mace to cure them of ringworm for fourpence apiece. She goes into the study. Soames follows her. + 

The General + 

Well, Edith, I’m a little disappointed, I must say. However, I’m glad it was done by somebody in a public uniform. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth and Lesbia come in through the tower. Mrs. Bridgenorth makes for the Bishop. He goes to her, and they meet near the oak chest. Lesbia comes between Sykes and Edith. + 

The Bishop + 

Alice, my love, they’re married. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

Placidly. Oh, well, that’s all right. Better tell Collins. + 

Soames comes back from the study with his writing materials. He seats himself at the nearest end of the table and goes on with his work. Hotchkiss sits down in the next chair round the table corner, with his back to him. + 

Lesbia + 

You have both given in, have you? + 

Edith + 

Not at all. We have provided for everything. + 

Soames + 

How? + 

Edith + 

Before going to the church, we went to the office of that insurance company⁠—what’s its name, Cecil? + 

Sykes + 

The British Family Insurance Corporation. It insures you against poor relations and all sorts of family contingencies. + 

Edith + 

It has consented to insure Cecil against libel actions brought against him on my account. It will give us specially low terms because I am a Bishop’s daughter. + 

Sykes + 

And I have given Edie my solemn word that if I ever commit a crime I’ll knock her down before a witness and go off to Brighton with another lady. + 

Lesbia + 

That’s what you call providing for everything! She goes to the middle of the table on the garden side and sits down. + 

Leo + 

Do make him see there are no worms before he knocks you down, Edith. Where’s Rejjy? + 

Reginald + 

Coming in from the study. Here. What’s the matter? + 

Leo + 

Springing up and flouncing round to him. What’s the matter! You may well ask. While Edie and Cecil were at the insurance office I took a taxi and went off to your lodgings; and a nice mess I found everything in. Your clothes are in a disgraceful state. Your liver pad has been made into a kettle-holder. You’re no more fit to be left to yourself than a one-year old baby. + 

Reginald + 

Oh, I can’t be bothered looking after things like that. I’m all right. + 

Leo + 

You’re not: you’re a disgrace. You never consider that you’re a disgrace to me: you think only of yourself. You must come home with me and be taken proper care of: my conscience will not allow me to let you live like a pig. She arranges his necktie. You must stay with me until I marry St. John; and then we can adopt you or something. + 

Reginald + 

Breaking loose from her and stumping off past Hotchkiss towards the hearth. No, I’m dashed if I’ll be adopted by St. John. You can adopt him if you like. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Rising. I suggest that that would really be the better plan, Leo. I’ve a confession to make to you. I’m not the man you took me for. Your objection to Rejjy was that he had low tastes. + 

Reginald + 

Turning. Was it? by George! + 

Leo + 

I said slovenly habits. I never thought he had really low tastes until I saw that woman in court. How he could have chosen such a creature and let her write to him after⁠— + 

Reginald + 

Is this fair? I never⁠— + 

Hotchkiss + 

Of course you didn’t, Rejjy. Don’t be silly, Leo. It’s I who really have low tastes. + 

Leo + 

You! + 

Hotchkiss + 

I’ve fallen in love with a coal merchant’s wife. I adore her. I would rather have one of her bootlaces than a lock of your hair. He folds his arms and stands like a rock. + 

Reginald + 

You damned scoundrel, how dare you throw my wife over like that before my face? He seems on the point of assaulting Hotchkiss when Leo gets between them and draws Reginald away towards the study door. + 

Leo + 

Don’t take any notice of him, Rejjy. Go at once and get that odious decree demolished or annulled or whatever it is. Tell Sir Gorell Barnes that I have changed my mind. To Hotchkiss. I might have known that you were too clever to be really a gentleman. She takes Reginald away to the oak chest and seats him there. He chuckles. Hotchkiss resumes his seat, brooding. + 

The Bishop + 

All the problems appear to be solving themselves. + 

Lesbia + 

Except mine. + 

The General + 

But, my dear Lesbia, you see what has happened here today. Coming a little nearer and bending his face towards hers. Now I put it to you, does it not show you the folly of not marrying? + 

Lesbia + 

No: I can’t say it does. And rising you have been smoking again. + 

The General + 

You drive me to it, Lesbia. I can’t help it. + 

Lesbia + 

Standing behind her chair with her hands on the back of it and looking radiant. Well, I won’t scold you today. I feel in particularly good humor just now. + 

Tie General + 

May I ask why, Lesbia? + 

Lesbia + 

Drawing a large breath. To think that after all the dangers of the morning I am still unmarried! still independent! still my own mistress! still a glorious strong-minded old maid of old England! + 

Soames silently springs up and makes a long stretch from his end of the table to shake her hand across it. + 

The General + 

Do you find any real happiness in being your own mistress? Would it not be more generous⁠—would you not be happier as someone else’s mistress⁠— + 

Lesbia + 

Boxer! + 

The General + 

Rising, horrified. No, no, you must know, my dear Lesbia, that I was not using the word in its improper sense. I am sometimes unfortunate in my choice of expressions; but you know what I mean. I feel sure you would be happier as my wife. + 

Lesbia + 

I daresay I should, in a frowsty sort of way. But I prefer my dignity and my independence. I’m afraid I think this rage for happiness rather vulgar. + 

The General + 

Oh, very well, Lesbia. I shall not ask you again. He sits down huffily. + 

Lesbia + 

You will, Boxer; but it will be no use. She also sits down again and puts her hand almost affectionately on his. Some day I hope to make a friend of you; and then we shall get on very nicely. + 

The General + 

Starting up again. Ha! I think you are hard, Lesbia. I shall make a fool of myself if I remain here. Alice: I shall go into the garden for a while. + 

Collins + 

Appearing in the tower. I think everything is in order now, ma’am. + 

The General + 

Going to him. Oh, by the way, could you oblige me⁠—The rest of the sentence is lost in a whisper. + 

Collins + 

Certainly, General. He takes out a tobacco pouch and hands it to the General, who takes it and goes into the garden. + 

Lesbia + 

I don’t believe there’s a man in England who really and truly loves his wife as much as he loves his pipe. + 

The Bishop + 

By the way, what has happened to the wedding party? + 

Sykes + 

I don’t know. There wasn’t a soul in the church when we were married except the pew opener and the curate who did the job. + 

Edith + 

They had all gone home. + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

But the bridesmaids? + 

Collins + 

Me and the beadle have been all over the place in a couple of taxis, ma’am; and weve collected them all. They were a good deal disappointed on account of their dresses, and thought it rather irregular; but they’ve agreed to come to the breakfast. The truth is, they’re wild with curiosity to know how it all happened. The organist held on until the organ was nigh worn out, and himself worse than the organ. He asked me particularly to tell you, my lord, that he held back Mendelssohn till the very last; but when that was gone he thought he might as well go too. So he played “God Save The King” and cleared out the church. He’s coming to the breakfast to explain. + 

Leo + 

Please remember, Collins, that there is no truth whatever in the rumor that I am separated from my husband, or that there is, or ever has been, anything between me and Mr. Hotchkiss. + 

Collins + 

Bless you, ma’am! one could always see that. To Mrs. Bridgenorth. Will you receive here or in the hall, ma’am? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

In the hall. Alfred: you and Boxer must go there and be ready to keep the first arrivals talking till we come. We have to dress Edith. Come, Lesbia: come, Leo: we must all help. Now, Edith. Lesbia, Leo, and Edith go out through the tower. Collins: we shall want you when Miss Edith’s dressed to look over her veil and things and see that they’re all right. + 

Collins + 

Yes, ma’am. Anything you would like mentioned about Miss Lesbia, ma’am? + 

Mrs. Bridgenorth + 

No. She won’t have the General. I think you may take that as final. + 

Collins + 

What a pity, ma’am! A fine lady wasted, ma’am. They shake their heads sadly; and Mrs. Bridgenorth goes out through the tower. + 

The Bishop + 

I’m going to the hall, Collins, to receive. Rejjy: go and tell Boxer; and come both of you to help with the small talk. Come, Cecil. He goes out through the tower, followed by Sykes. + 

Reginald + 

To Hotchkiss. You’ve always talked a precious lot about behaving like a gentleman. Well, if you think you’ve behaved like a gentleman to Leo, you’re mistaken. And I shall have to take her part, remember that. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I understand. Your doors are closed to me. + 

Reginald + 

Quickly. Oh no. Don’t be hasty. I think I should like you to drop in after a while, you know. She gets so cross and upset when there’s nobody to liven up the house a bit. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I’ll do my best. + 

Reginald + 

Relieved. Righto. You won’t mind, old chap, do you? + 

Hotchkiss + 

It’s Fate. I’ve touched coal; and my hands are black; but they’re clean. So long, Rejjy. They shake hands; and Reginald goes into the garden to collect Boxer. + 

Collins + 

Excuse me, sir; but do you stay to breakfast? Your name is on one of the covers; and I should like to change it if you’re not remaining. + 

Hotchkiss + 

How do I know? Is my destiny any longer in my own hands? Go: ask she who must be obeyed. + 

Collins + 

Awestruck. Has Mrs. George taken a fancy to you, sir? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Would she had! Worse, man, worse: I’ve taken a fancy to Mrs. George. + 

Collins + 

Don’t despair, sir: if George likes your conversation you’ll find their house a very pleasant one⁠—livelier than Mr. Reginald’s was, I daresay. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Calling. Polly. + 

Collins + 

Promptly. Oh, if it’s come to Polly already, sir, I should say you were all right. + 

Mrs. George appears at the door of the study. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Your brother-in-law wishes to know whether I’m to stay for the wedding breakfast. Tell him. + 

Mrs. George + 

He stays, Bill, if he chooses to behave himself. + 

Hotchkiss + 

To Collins. May I, as a friend of the family, have the privilege of calling you Bill? + 

Collins + 

With pleasure, sir, I’m sure, sir. + 

Hotchkiss + 

My own pet name in the bosom of my family is Sonny. + 

Mrs. George + 

Why didn’t you tell me that before? Sonny is just the name I wanted for you. She pats his cheek familiarly; he rises abruptly and goes to the hearth, where he throws himself moodily into the railed chair. Bill: I’m not going into the hall until there are enough people there to make a proper little court for me. Send the Beadle for me when you think it looks good enough. + 

Collins + 

Right, ma’am. He goes out through the tower. + 

Mrs. George left alone with Hotchkiss and Soames, suddenly puts her hands on Soames’s shoulders and bends over him. + 

Mrs. George + 

The Bishop said I was to tempt you, Anthony. + 

Soames + 

Without looking round. Woman: go away. + 

Mrs. George + 

Anthony: + 

“When other lips and other hearts + 

Their tale of love shall tell + 

Hotchkiss + 

Sardonically. + 

In language whose excess imparts + 

The power they feel so well. + 

Mrs. George + 

Though hollow hearts may wear a mask, + 

Twould break your own to see + 

In such a moment I but ask + 

That you’ll remember me.” + 

And you will, Anthony. I shall put my spell on you. + 

Soames + 

Do you think that a man who has sung the Magnificat and adored the Queen of Heaven has any ears for such trash as that or any eyes for such trash as you⁠—saving your poor little soul’s presence. Go home to your duties, woman. + 

Mrs. George + 

Highly approving his fortitude. Anthony: I adopt you as my father. That’s the talk! Give me a man whose whole life doesn’t hang on some scrubby woman in the next street; and I’ll never let him go. She slaps him heartily on the back. + 

Soames + 

That’s enough. You have another man to talk to. I’m busy. + 

Mrs. George + 

Leaving Soames and going a step or two nearer Hotchkiss. Why aren’t you like him, Sonny? Why do you hang on to a scrubby woman in the next street? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Thoughtfully. I must apologize to Billiter. + 

Mrs. George + 

Who is Billiter? + 

Hotchkiss + 

A man who eats rice pudding with a spoon. I’ve been eating rice pudding with a spoon ever since I saw you first. He rises. We all eat our rice pudding with a spoon, don’t we, Soames? + 

Soames + 

We are members of one another. There is no need to refer to me. In the first place, I’m busy: in the second, you’ll find it all in the Church Catechism, which contains most of the new discoveries with which the age is bursting. Of course you should apologize to Billiter. He is your equal. He will go to the same heaven if he behaves himself and to the same hell if he doesn’t. + 

Mrs. George + 

Sitting down. And so will my husband the coal merchant. + 

Hotchkiss + 

If I were your husband’s superior here I should be his superior in heaven or hell: equality lies deeper than that. The coal merchant and I are in love with the same woman. That settles the question for me forever. He prowls across the kitchen to the garden door, deep in thought. + 

Soames + 

Psha! + 

Mrs. George + 

You don’t believe in women, do you, Anthony? He might as well say that he and George both like fried fish. + 

Hotchkiss + 

I do not like fried fish. Don’t be low, Polly. + 

Soames + 

Woman: do not presume to accuse me of unbelief. And do you, Hotchkiss, not despise this woman’s soul because she speaks of fried fish. Some of the victims of the Miraculous Draught of Fishes were fried. And I eat fried fish every Friday and like it. You are as ingrained a snob as ever. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Impatiently. My dear Anthony: I find you merely ridiculous as a preacher, because you keep referring me to places and documents and alleged occurrences in which, as a matter of fact, I don’t believe. I don’t believe in anything but my own will and my own pride and honor. Your fishes and your catechisms and all the rest of it make a charming poem which you call your faith. It fits you to perfection; but it doesn’t fit me. I happen, like Napoleon, to prefer Mohammedanism. Mrs. George, associating Mohammedanism with polygamy, looks at him with quick suspicion. I believe the whole British Empire will adopt a reformed Mohammedanism before the end of the century. The character of Muhammad is congenial to me. I admire him, and share his views of life to a considerable extent. That beats you, you see, Soames. Religion is a great force⁠—the only real motive force in the world; but what you fellows don’t understand is that you must get at a man through his own religion and not through yours. Instead of facing that fact, you persist in trying to convert all men to your own little sect, so that you can use it against them afterwards. You are all missionaries and proselytizers trying to uproot the native religion from your neighbor’s flowerbeds and plant your own in its place. You would rather let a child perish in ignorance than have it taught by a rival sectary. You can talk to me of the quintessential equality of coal merchants and British officers; and yet you can’t see the quintessential equality of all the religions. Who are you, anyhow, that you should know better than Muhammad or Confucius or any of the other Johnnies who have been on this job since the world existed? + 

Mrs. George + 

Admiring his eloquence. George will like you, Sonny. You should hear him talking about the Church. + 

Soames + 

Very well, then: go to your doom, both of you. There is only one religion for me: that which my soul knows to be true; but even irreligion has one tenet; and that is the sacredness of marriage. You two are on the verge of deadly sin. Do you deny that? + 

Hotchkiss + 

You forget, Anthony: the marriage itself is the deadly sin according to you. + 

Soames + 

The question is not now what I believe, but what you believe. Take the vows with me; and give up that woman if you have the strength and the light. But if you are still in the grip of this world, at least respect its institutions. Do you believe in marriage or do you not? + 

Hotchkiss + 

My soul is utterly free from any such superstition. I solemnly declare that between this woman, as you impolitely call her, and me, I see no barrier that my conscience bids me respect. I loathe the whole marriage morality of the middle classes with all my instincts. If I were an eighteenth century marquis I could feel no more free with regard to a Parisian citizen’s wife than I do with regard to Polly. I despise all this domestic purity business as the lowest depth of narrow, selfish, sensual, wife-grabbing vulgarity. + 

Mrs. George + 

Rising promptly. Oh, indeed. Then you’re not coming home with me, young man. I’m sorry; for its refreshing to have met once in my life a man who wasn’t frightened by my wedding ring; but I’m looking out for a friend and not for a French marquis; so you’re not coming home with me. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Inexorably. Yes, I am. + 

Mrs. George + 

No. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Yes. Think again. You know your set pretty well, I suppose, your petty tradesmen’s set. You know all its scandals and hypocrisies, its jealousies and squabbles, its hundred of divorce cases that never come into court, as well as its tens that do. + 

Mrs. George + 

We’re not angels. I know a few scandals; but most of us are too dull to be anything but good. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Then you must have noticed that just an all murderers, judging by their edifying remarks on the scaffold, seem to be devout Christians, so all Christians, both male and female, are invariably people overflowing with domestic sentimentality and professions of respect for the conventions they violate in secret. + 

Mrs. George + 

Well, you don’t expect them to give themselves away, do you? + 

Hotchkiss + 

They are people of sentiment, not of honor. Now, I’m not a man of sentiment, but a man of honor. I know well what will happen to me when once I cross the threshold of your husband’s house and break bread with him. This marriage bond which I despise will bind me as it never seems to bind the people who believe in it, and whose chief amusement it is to go to the theatres where it is laughed at. Soames: you’re a Communist, aren’t you? + 

Soames + 

I am a Christian. That obliges me to be a Communist. + 

Hotchkiss + 

And you believe that many of our landed estates were stolen from the Church by Henry the eighth? + 

Soames + 

I do not merely believe that: I know it as a lawyer. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Would you steal a turnip from one of the landlords of those stolen lands? + 

Soames + 

Fencing with the question. They have no right to their lands. + 

Hotchkiss + 

That’s not what I ask you. Would you steal a turnip from one of the fields they have no right to? + 

Soames + 

I do not like turnips. + 

Hotchkiss + 

As you are a lawyer, answer me. + 

Soames + 

I admit that I should probably not do so. I should perhaps be wrong not to steal the turnip: I can’t defend my reluctance to do so; but I think I should not do so. I know I should not do so. + 

Hotchkiss + 

Neither shall I be able to steal George’s wife. I have stretched out my hand for that forbidden fruit before; and I know that my hand will always come back empty. To disbelieve in marriage is easy: to love a married woman is easy; but to betray a comrade, to be disloyal to a host, to break the covenant of bread and salt, is impossible. You may take me home with you, Polly: you have nothing to fear. + 

Mrs. George + 

And nothing to hope? + 

Hotchkiss + 

Since you put it in that more than kind way, Polly, absolutely nothing. + 

Mrs. George + 

Hm! Like most men, you think you know everything a woman wants, don’t you? But the thing one wants most has nothing to do with marriage at all. Perhaps Anthony here has a glimmering of it. Eh, Anthony? + 

Soames + 

Christian fellowship? + 

Mrs. George + 

You call it that, do you? + 

Soames + 

What do you call it? + 

Collins + 

Appearing in the tower with the Beadle. Now, Polly, the hall’s full; and they’re waiting for you. + 

The Beadle + 

Make way there, gentlemen, please. Way for the worshipful the Mayoress. If you please, my lords and gentlemen. By your leave, ladies and gentlemen: way for the Mayoress. + 

Mrs. George takes Hotchkiss’s arm, and goes out, preceded by the Beadle. + 

Soames resumes his writing tranquilly. + 