III
The time is a quarter to twelve on Thursday morning, the day after Elsie‚Äôs wedding. The place is the little upstairs room (where there are plenty of cushions and you may smoke) of Ye Jollie Dutche Caf√©, in Victoria Street, Gatford. In the far corner is a table that must be distinguished from all the others if only because it is the only one there on which any cups of Jollie Dutche coffee (‚ÄúOur Speciality‚Äù) have made their appearance this morning. Behind it, sometimes lolling and sometimes sitting bolt upright and looking very fierce, are two persons, a tallish loose-limbed youth, with a long wandering nose and a long wandering lock of hair, and dressed in baggy and indiscriminate clothes and a pretty dark girl, a compact and shapely girl, artfully tricked out in black and scarlet. The waitress who served the two coffees‚ÅÝ‚Äîshe wears a sort of federated Dutch costume, but has Gatford, Mundley, or Stort written all over her‚ÅÝ‚Äîrecognized these two at once, and by this time has told all the other waitresses downstairs that one of the girls from the Hippodrome, the funny dark one, and the piano-player are above, having big coffees just like ordinary people. And we recognize them too: Miss Susie Dean and Mr.¬ÝInigo Jollifant.
“I never heard such cheek,” Susie is exclaiming. “What’s it got to do with you?”
“Oh, nothing, of course,” the gentleman replies loftily. “Apologies for interfering in your private affairs.”
He is having it out with her, and so far it has come out badly, not at all according to plan. Now he pulls away at his absurdly large cherrywood pipe, and tries to do that loftily too. Unfortunately, it will not draw properly. If he had fifty pipes, they would not draw properly. It is one of those mornings, not at all the time to have it out with anybody, and especially Miss Dean.
“However friendly we were,” Susie continued, “you’d have no right to talk to me like that. If I chose to talk to a man and dance with him, it’s no business of yours. Besides, you know nothing about him.”
‚ÄúI don‚Äôt want to. I know enough about him to see that he‚Äôs poisonous. But‚ÅÝ‚Äîas you say‚ÅÝ‚Äîit‚Äôs no business of mine. I‚Äôm disappointed, that‚Äôs all. Some girls might like that type of chap, but for you‚ÅÝ‚Äîyou‚ÅÝ‚Äîeven to look at him, well, it sticks in my gullet, that‚Äôs all! Why, even Mamie Potter‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù he was going on rashly.
“Mamie Potter! You’re not going to tell me what she thinks, are you? That would be the last straw. And you talk about people being poisonous! But go on, go on. What did Mamie Potter say?”
“It doesn’t matter what she said,” replied Inigo sulkily. The sooner Miss Potter was out of the conversation the better.
‚ÄúOf course it does! Your friend, Miss Potter! You ought to have seen yourselves yesterday. And if we‚Äôre going to tell one another who we ought to know, it‚Äôs my turn now, and I say, keep away from that girl. She‚Äôs dead rotten from the knees up. Everybody‚Äôs fed up with her already‚ÅÝ‚Äîexcept you, of course. She‚Äôll wreck this show yet, if we‚Äôre not jolly careful. I know the sort.‚Äù
‚ÄúShe may be all that. I don‚Äôt know, and I don‚Äôt care,‚Äù said Inigo, quite willing to sacrifice fifty Mamie Potters. ‚ÄúBut what I do know and care about is that you behaved rottenly, absolutely, yesterday. You just flirted with that bounder, that pink teethy barman‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù
“He’s not a barman. And even if he was, you needn’t sneer at him. If I liked him, I wouldn’t care if he was a bottle-washer. I’m not like you, I’m not a little Cambridge snob.”
“No one could ever call me a snob,” said Inigo heavily.
‚ÄúAw‚ÅÝ‚Äîaw‚ÅÝ‚Äîcouldn‚Äôt they?‚Äù said Susie, in a wild burlesque of his offended tone. ‚ÄúWell, I‚Äôm calling you one, and I believe you are one. And if you‚Äôre not one, then you‚Äôre simply jealous.‚Äù
“All right then, I’m jealous.” Inigo sounded very sulky now.
“Then you shouldn’t be jealous,” said Susie severely. But then she gave him a mischievous little glance. “Anyhow you oughtn’t to be horridly jealous. It’s quite possible, I’m sure, to be nicely jealous.”
‚ÄúNo, it isn‚Äôt. I hate it. But it wasn‚Äôt so much jealousy as sheer dislike of seeing you make yourself so cheap with a bounder‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù
“If you say another word, we shall quarrel properly,” cried Susie. “That’s the nastiest thing anybody’s said to me for years. Apologize for ‘cheap’ at once or I’ll never speak to you again. I mean it.” And she really looked as if she meant it.
“I take it back then,” Inigo muttered. “But you know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t, except that you’re stiff and green with jealousy. And why you should be, I don’t know. It isn’t as if we’ve been very good friends lately.”
“And whose fault’s that?” he demanded.
“Yours. Of course, it’s yours, Inigo,” and she gave him a wide innocent stare.
‚ÄúYou know very well it‚Äôs not. Look here, Susie, you‚Äôve been unbearable lately, absolutely. You know what I think and feel about you‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù
“No, I don’t,” she put in, immediately. “Tell me.” And she leaned back and gave him a delicious smile.
‚ÄúOh, I think you‚Äôre‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù he groaned. For a young man who intended to have it out, he was behaving very strangely.
“Go on, Inigo. Don’t stop. Tell me.” She made a show of settling herself very comfortably in her seat.
He pushed back his lock of hair, and then looked at her, steadily, gravely. “I’m not going to tell you any more, Susie,” he said at last. “It’s all just fun for you. You don’t really care a damn. Well, it isn’t fun for me, not just now, anyhow.”
There was silence for a few moments, then Susie said, in a small voice: “Why don’t you go on to the next part, Inigo?”
“What’s that?”
“You ought to say now ‘If you think I’m the kind of man you can play with, you’re wrong.’ ”
Inigo looked confused, and, glancing at him, she laughed. Then she hummed a little tune.
“I’m going,” he announced savagely.
“No, don’t go.” She laid her hand lightly on his. “I hate quarrelling. And if you go off in a rage, like that, you’ll make me feel sorry I came here instead of accepting that Dulver man’s invitation to go out in his car today and have a fine fat lunch somewhere. Yes, he asked me, and was most pressing. And I refused. I saw quite enough of him yesterday.”
“I should think so,” cried Inigo, highly relieved.
“Not that being with you is much good, these days,” she went on.
‚ÄúWhy? What‚Äôs the matter with me?‚Äù Then he suddenly changed his tone. ‚ÄúI know there‚Äôs nothing very wonderful about me‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù
“I’m sure you don’t,” she told him.
“I suppose you’re sick of seeing me about,” he said, humbly. “And the ironical thing is, I wouldn’t be about here at all, if it weren’t for you. That must be getting pretty obvious to other people too by now. Miss Trant pointed it out to me the other day. Because you’re with the show, Susie, I couldn’t drag myself away from it. If you went, I’m darned sure I couldn’t stick it out another week.”
“That isn’t saying much for the others,” she told him.
“Of course I like the others, at least most of ’em. It wouldn’t break my heart to see the last of Jerry J. or the Potter girl, but I’m very fond of all the old ones now. But after all, I’m not in love with ’em.”
“Which means you are with me.”
“Absolutely.”
“Still?”
“Worse than ever. So there you are. And if anybody had told me a year ago I should be dithering like this, I should have wanted to give him one on the jaw. And yet I wouldn’t change it now, though a jolly rotten dither it’s been lately, I can tell you.”
‚ÄúSorry, Inigo. Sorry‚ÅÝ‚Äîabsolutely.‚Äù
“Tell me, are you fed up with me? Does the sight of me mooning round make you feel sick these days? Or what is it?”
‚ÄúWell,‚Äù said Susie slowly and earnestly, ‚ÄúI‚Äôve been in a queer sort of mood lately, I know. And you‚Äôve been so heavy and serious lately, too, not half so amusing as you used to be. But it isn‚Äôt just that. You‚ÅÝ‚Äîoh, you irritate me!‚Äù
“Why? What do I do?”
‚ÄúOh, you‚Äôre so‚ÅÝ‚Äîso‚ÅÝ‚ÄîI don‚Äôt know‚ÅÝ‚Äîfeeble.‚Äù
“Feeble!” It came out in a shout. He stared at her, amazed.
“Yes, feeble.”
“Oh, am I, by jingo!” With that, the outraged young man sat up, suddenly flung an arm round her, twisted her round towards him, and kissed her soundly and well before she could do or say a single thing. There are heavens that await only reckless men, and he spent a delirious minute in one of them. Then he found himself shot out of it, and back in Ye Jollie Dutche Café with all his courage evaporated. He waited, breathless, for something momentous to happen now, and though this creature by his side had been for some time the very centre of his universe, he had not the least idea what would happen. He could almost feel himself cringing.
Susie was staring at him, her eyebrows raised, and breathing hard. ‚ÄúWell‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù and then she suddenly laughed.
His bravado returned with a rush at the sound. “And that’s the kind of man I am,” he announced.
“Well, it’s not the kind of girl I am,” she told him, “especially at twelve in the morning in an imitation Dutch café. So don’t try it again, that’s all.”
“Didn’t you like it?”
“It made me feel quite sick,” she said calmly, turning an impudent face, still rosy and brilliant, towards him. “No, not again! Who do you think you are? Now listen.” She looked serious. “When I said you were feeble, I didn’t mean that. I meant you were feeble about work.”
“Work!” Inigo pronounced the word as if he had never heard it before.
‚ÄúThere you are, you see. You don‚Äôt even know what I‚Äôm talking about. You‚Äôre just a feeble amateur, that‚Äôs all you are, Inigo. This C.P. business‚ÅÝ‚Äîthe Stage, in fact‚ÅÝ‚Äîis just a bit of a game to you. Well, it isn‚Äôt to me. I‚Äôm a pro. I‚Äôm not doing this for fun, young feller. I haven‚Äôt run away from school for a few months.‚Äù
‚ÄúIf you think I‚Äôm going back to that school or any school‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù Inigo began.
‚ÄúNever mind about that. It‚Äôs me we‚Äôre talking about now. I want to get on and if I don‚Äôt get on soon, I‚Äôll burst. Why, that Dulver man yesterday‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù
Inigo groaned.
‚ÄúOne of the first things he told me,‚Äù she continued, ‚Äúwas that he‚Äôd heard how clever I was and was coming to see me because he knew young Jack Rozzy very well and young Rozzy is working with his father now, old Rozzy, who‚Äôs the booking agent for the P.M.H. Syndicate‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù
“Help!” cried Inigo.
‚ÄúDon‚Äôt be silly. Well, I didn‚Äôt believe all he told me‚ÅÝ‚Äîthe Dulver man, I mean‚ÅÝ‚Äîbut still, it was something. You never know, something might come of it. And at any rate he did understand I wanted to move up a bit and not stick in this all my life.‚Äù
‚ÄúBut what do you want me to do? Have I to go to young Rozzy and tell him to tell old Rozzy‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù
‚ÄúOh, shut up! You think this is all nothing, and that‚Äôs just what makes you so irritating. It‚Äôs serious. Of course I don‚Äôt want you to go to any Rozzies. I don‚Äôt want you to help me. I can look after myself. But if you‚Äôd only go and get something done for yourself‚ÅÝ‚Äîand you could easily, with those songs‚ÅÝ‚ÄîI wouldn‚Äôt mind. I hate to see chances thrown away. It makes me sick. It‚Äôs the way you hang about and just don‚Äôt do anything that irritates me. It‚Äôs so‚ÅÝ‚Äîso amateurish and feeble.‚Äù
“So that’s it, is it?” said Inigo softly.
“Yes, that’s it,” she replied defiantly. At this moment, another customer arrived, a solitary man, who came in, as solitary men always do, very quietly. A few moments after, three men entered together, making as much noise as a little army, as three men always do. Apparently all four were amateurish and feeble, for Susie regarded them with contempt.
Inigo had been fingering a card in his pocket. He still looked a little agitated, but there was the ghost of a smile hovering on his face now. ‚ÄúAs a matter of fact‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äù he began; but then he must have thought this matter of fact should not be introduced into the conversation, for he suddenly stopped short.
“Well? Go on.” Susie looked at him, not unkindly but not with any obvious signs of admiration.
“Nothing,” he replied lamely.
Susie’s rather full lower lip made a tiny movement that said quite plainly: “You are exceedingly feeble, this very minute, and not my idea of a man at all.” She flicked away some cigarette ash from her clothes, and then rose. “I must go.”
Inigo returned to his lodgings, wondering whether he had ‚Äúhad it out‚Äù or not. Certainly a great deal had come out, but very little of it had figured in his original programme. If it had not been for one thing, he would have felt miserable, crushed, about two feet high. That thing was the card in his pocket. It had been his original intention to tell Susie about that card. The moment she had shown herself repentant‚ÅÝ‚Äîperhaps a little tearful‚ÅÝ‚Äîhe had decided to wave away all her apologies, and then to raise her at once from the depths of contrition by showing her the card and telling her what he had planned to do with it. That moment, as we have seen, had never arrived, and so the card stayed in his pocket.
It had found its way there only that very morning, half an hour before he had left his rooms to meet Susie. A young man with a masterful nose, wavy black hair, and a startling pink shirt and collar, had bustled in on the very heels of the landlady, and had announced himself as Mr.¬ÝMilbrau, Midland representative of Felder and Hunterman. ‚ÄúAnd you can‚Äôt say you don‚Äôt know them, eh?‚Äù this visitor chuckled.
“Who?” Inigo was still rather dazed.
“Felder and Hunterman.”
“I don’t,” said Inigo, looking at his visitor in astonishment, as well he might, for that gentleman, with all the dexterous rapidity of a conjurer, had put down his hat, taken a chair and drawn it nearer to the fire, sat down, lit a cigarette, crossed his legs, and rubbed his hands, all in one flash of activity.
‚ÄúHa-ha, ‚Äôs a good one!‚Äù cried Mr.¬ÝMilbrau. ‚ÄúDidden‚Äô think you‚Äôd be up‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äôsmatter of fact‚ÅÝ‚Äîbut here y‚Äôare, up all ri‚Äô and having a dig at the old firm.‚Äù He rubbed his hands harder than ever.
“But who are they?” demanded Inigo, in all earnestness. “I seem to have heard the name before.”
‚ÄúStop it now,‚Äù said Mr.¬ÝMilbrau. ‚ÄúYou can‚Äôt grumble. I‚Äôve bought it‚ÅÝ‚Äîconsider I‚Äôve bought it! Let‚Äôs ge‚Äô down to business, and stop pulling my leg.‚Äù
“I’m not pulling it, no intention of doing, absolutely,” said Inigo, who could not see why a strange young man in an angry pink shirt should rush in and talk about pulling legs. “All I say is that I seem to have heard the name of Whater and What’s it before.”
Mr.¬ÝMilbrau stared and his mouth fell open, though the cigarette still remained hanging from one corner of it and calmly went on smoking itself, as if specially trained to do so. ‚ÄúSeem to have heard the name!‚Äù he almost screamed. ‚ÄúFelder and Hunterman, biggest people in the music-publishing trade today‚ÅÝ‚Äîand the oldest! And you a pianist! You mus‚Äô have played thousands of our numbers. Oh, you can‚Äôt mean it! Here, have a cigarette.‚Äù And the very next second, there were two rows of cigarettes about six inches from Inigo‚Äôs nose.
Inigo politely refused, and filled and lit a pipe while Mr.¬ÝMilbrau explained why he had called. ‚ÄúI‚Äôm doing this Midland round, d‚Äôyou see‚ÅÝ‚Äîsongs and dance stuff,‚Äù he began, ‚Äúand these two days I‚Äôm here, in the Triangle. Come here ev‚Äôry two months. Went to your show las‚Äô night. Nothing else to do‚ÅÝ‚Äîand then it‚Äôs business with me, d‚Äôyou see, because we like to know how our numbers are going. And you surprised me, I‚Äôll tell you that now. You did! You surprised me. You‚Äôve got a classy little show there, an‚Äô I know‚Äô cos I‚Äôve seen hundreds‚ÅÝ‚Äîhundreds‚ÅÝ‚Äîanundreds. That comeediyenn‚ÅÝ‚Äîoh, clever kid, clever! Whasser name? Dean‚ÅÝ‚Äîthat‚Äôs it. And that boy doing your light comedy work and dancing‚ÅÝ‚Äîthat boy‚Äôs good‚ÅÝ‚Äîhe is‚ÅÝ‚Äîhe‚Äôs good. A nice li‚Äôl show! Mindjew, some of the numbers‚Äù‚ÅÝ‚Äîhere he raised both hands, then let them fall‚ÅÝ‚Äî‚Äúdead‚ÅÝ‚Äîyou couldn‚Äôt kill ‚Äôem‚ÅÝ‚Äîthey‚Äôre dead. I‚Äôm travelling about twenty numbers now‚ÅÝ‚Äîboth sentimen‚Äôals and comics‚ÅÝ‚Äîan‚Äô they‚Äôd juss make the diff‚Äôrence to that show of yours, they would, juss the diff‚Äôrence. No, no, wai‚Äô a minute, wai‚Äô a minute. Don‚Äôt make a mistake. I‚Äôm not here to sell you anything.‚Äù
Inigo was relieved to hear it, though he did not say so. He waited for his visitor, who was now lighting another cigarette, to continue.
‚ÄúHere we are,‚Äù said Mr.¬ÝMilbrau, looking with half-closed eyes through a cloud of smoke at a scrap of paper. ‚ÄúNow you got one or two numbers in your show that were new to me‚ÅÝ‚Äîand they were‚ÅÝ‚Äîgood.‚Äù He brought this last word with a shout. ‚ÄúTricky numbers, real tricky! They got me going all ri‚Äô and I‚Äôm in the business d‚Äôyou see. I put ‚Äôem down on this bit o‚Äô paper. Don‚Äôt say I got the titles ri‚Äô but you‚Äôll know. Now as a favour, juss as a favour, take a look at ‚Äôem.‚Äù He handed over the paper, and Inigo saw at a glance that all the five numbers, headed by ‚ÄúSlippin‚Äô Round the Corner,‚Äù were the very ones he had composed himself.
‚ÄúNow all those numbers you have there,‚Äù Mr.¬ÝMilbrau went on, ‚Äúare new to me. And I‚Äôm in the business. And they‚Äôre good, they‚Äôre tricky, they‚Äôre catchy. It‚Äôs the chunes‚ÅÝ‚Äîwords are nothing, written ‚Äôem myself before now‚ÅÝ‚Äîit‚Äôs the chunes! Now juss as a favour, jewmind telling me where you got ‚Äôem from? You‚Äôre the pianist and so you know ‚Äôem all, d‚Äôyou see. That‚Äôs why I come to you. Got your address las‚Äô night at the Hippodrome after the show. And I‚Äôm busy‚ÅÝ‚ÄîI‚Äôm terribly busy, gotter get away this afternoon‚ÅÝ‚Äîbut I had to know. Now jewmind telling me where you picked ‚Äôem up?‚Äù
‚ÄúNot a bit,‚Äù replied Inigo heartily. ‚ÄúI wrote them myself‚ÅÝ‚Äîthe music, you know.‚Äù
“You did?”
“I did. As a matter of fact I’ve just finished writing them out properly. There they are, on the table.”
Mr.¬ÝMilbrau jumped up, saying, ‚ÄúMind if I look?‚Äù and without waiting to know if Inigo minded or not, began to turn over the manuscript sheets and wag his head and hum now and again. When he had done, he put the sheets neatly together and gave the pile a smart slap. ‚ÄúWho were you goin‚Äô to give ‚Äôem to?‚Äù he inquired very quietly but with a momentous air.
“Not the least idea,” Inigo told him. “I hadn’t thought about it.”
Mr.¬ÝMilbrau shook his head. ‚ÄúHadn‚Äôt thought about it! Doesn‚Äôt know Felder and Hunterman! And turns out this stuff! Don‚Äôt tell me you‚Äôre a reg‚Äôlar pro‚ÅÝ‚Äîyou‚Äôre not‚ÅÝ‚Äîand I knew it right off. Suppose you wouldn‚Äôt like me to take these along?‚Äù he inquired.
Inigo told him he would not.
‚ÄúNo. Thought you wouldn‚Äôt. All ri‚Äô‚ÅÝ‚Äîdon‚Äôt blame you. Now I‚Äôll tell you something. If I was you‚ÅÝ‚Äîif I‚Äôd written these‚ÅÝ‚Äîjewnow what I‚Äôd do? I‚Äôll tell you. I‚Äôd put them in a bag, take my hat and coat and walk right out of that door, take the nex‚Äô train up and be at Felder and Hunterman‚Äôs with ‚Äôem, before they closed tonight. I would. An‚Äô I wouldn‚Äôt play ‚Äôem another night, either. You don‚Äôt know who‚Äôs listening. I tell you, I‚Äôd be up in the Charing Cross Road with these numbers this afternoon, and I‚Äôd stay there, never mind about the job here. In a month you‚Äôd laugh at it. I‚Äôm excited about these numbers. I don‚Äôt look it but I am. But I‚Äôm not trying to rush you into anything, am I? You listen to me, Mr.¬ÝJollifant. Don‚Äôt send these numbers anywhere. Take ‚Äôem. Go with ‚Äôem. Play ‚Äôem through yourself‚ÅÝ‚Äîonce‚ÅÝ‚Äîthass all. An‚Äô if you go to Felder and Hunterman‚Äôs‚ÅÝ‚Äîan‚Äô they‚Äôre the biggest people in the trade today‚ÅÝ‚Äîonce‚Äôll be enough. Take ‚Äôem to Felder and Hunterman‚Äôs an‚Äô ass for Mr.¬ÝPitsner‚ÅÝ‚ÄîP-i-t-s-n-e-r an‚Äô say I told you. Here, I‚Äôll tell you wha‚Äô I‚Äôll do. I‚Äôll write to Mr.¬ÝPitsner myself‚ÅÝ‚Äîan‚Äô tell him. I‚Äôll write tonight. Bedder le‚Äô him know your coming. Send him a wire. Busy man, Mr.¬ÝPitsner. You‚Äôd never seen him if you hadn‚Äôt had an intro, but when you do see him, ‚Äôs‚Äôbusiness. Here, I‚Äôll write on this card too as well‚Äôs send a letter. You show ‚Äôem tha‚Äô, you‚Äôll walk up withou‚Äô a wor‚Äô.‚Äù Thus Mr.¬ÝMibrau, who ended by gabbling so furiously that there was hardly a consonant left in his speech.
And that is how Inigo came to be in possession of the card that saved him from feeling absolutely crushed after his talk with Susie. Back in his lodgings, he took it out of his pocket, put it on the table, and then smoked a pipe over it. Feeble, was he?