Epilogue + 

Before the curtain. The Count, dazed and agitated, hurries to the 4 critics, as they rise, bored and weary, from their seats. + 

The Count + 

Gentlemen: do not speak to me. I implore you to withhold your opinion. I am not strong enough to bear it. I could never have believed it. Is this a play? Is this in any sense of the word, Art? Is it agreeable? Can it conceivably do good to any human being? Is it delicate? Do such people really exist? Excuse me, gentlemen: I speak from a wounded heart. There are private reasons for my discomposure. This play implies obscure, unjust, unkind reproaches and menaces to all of us who are parents. + 

Trotter + 

Pooh! you take it too seriously. After all, the thing has amusing passages. Dismiss the rest as impertinence. + 

The Count + 

Mr. Trotter: it is easy for you to play the pococurantist. Trotter, amazed, repeats the first three syllables in his throat, making a noise like a pheasant. You see hundreds of plays every year. But to me, who have never seen anything of this kind before, the effect of this play is terribly disquieting. Sir: if it had been what people call an immoral play, I shouldn’t have minded a bit. Vaughan is shocked. Love beautifies every romance and justifies every audacity. Bannal assents gravely. But there are reticences which everybody should respect. There are decencies too subtle to be put into words, without which human society would be unbearable. People could not talk to one another as those people talk. No child could speak to its parent⁠—no girl could speak to a youth⁠—no human creature could tear down the veils⁠—Appealing to Vaughan, who is on his left flank, with Gunn between them. Could they, sir? + 

Vaughan + 

Well, I don’t see that. + 

The Count + 

You don’t see it! don’t feel it! To Gunn. Sir: I appeal to you. + 

Gunn + 

With studied weariness. It seems to me the most ordinary sort of old-fashioned Ibsenite drivel. + 

The Count + 

Turning to Trotter, who is on his right, between him and Bannal. Mr. Trotter: will you tell me that you are not amazed, outraged, revolted, wounded in your deepest and holiest feelings by every word of this play, every tone, every implication; that you did not sit there shrinking in every fibre at the thought of what might come next? + 

Trotter + 

Not a bit. Any clever modern girl could turn out that kind of thing by the yard. + 

The Count + 

Then, sir, tomorrow I start for Venice, never to return. I must believe what you tell me. I perceive that you are not agitated, not surprised, not concerned; that my own horror (yes, gentlemen, horror⁠—horror of the very soul) appears unaccountable to you, ludicrous, absurd, even to you, Mr. Trotter, who are little younger than myself. Sir: if young people spoke to me like that, I should die of shame: I could not face it. I must go back. The world has passed me by and left me. Accept the apologies of an elderly and no doubt ridiculous admirer of the art of a bygone day, when there was still some beauty in the world and some delicate grace in family life. But I promised my daughter your opinion; and I must keep my word. Gentlemen: you are the choice and master spirits of this age: you walk through it without bewilderment and face its strange products without dismay. Pray deliver your verdict. Mr. Bannal: you know that it is the custom at a Court Martial for the youngest officer present to deliver his judgment first; so that he may not be influenced by the authority of his elders. You are the youngest. What is your opinion of the play? + 

Bannal + 

Well, who’s it by? + 

The Count + 

That is a secret for the present. + 

Bannal + 

You don’t expect me to know what to say about a play when I don’t know who the author is, do you? + 

The Count + 

Why not? + 

Bannal + 

Why not! Why not!! Suppose you had to write about a play by Pinero and one by Jones! Would you say exactly the same thing about them? + 

The Count + 

I presume not. + 

Bannal + 

Then how could you write about them until you knew which was Pinero and which was Jones? Besides, what sort of play is this? that’s what I want to know. Is it a comedy or a tragedy? Is it a farce or a melodrama? Is it repertory theatre tosh, or really straight paying stuff? + 

Gunn + 

Can’t you tell from seeing it? + 

Bannal + 

I can see it all right enough; but how am I to know how to take it? Is it serious, or is it spoof? If the author knows what his play is, let him tell us what it is. If he doesn’t, he can’t complain if I don’t know either. I’m not the author. + 

The Count + 

But is it a good play, Mr. Bannal? That’s a simple question. + 

Bannal + 

Simple enough when you know. If it’s by a good author, it’s a good play, naturally. That stands to reason. Who is the author? Tell me that; and I’ll place the play for you to a hair’s breadth. + 

The Count + 

I’m sorry I’m not at liberty to divulge the author’s name. The author desires that the play should be judged on its merits. + 

Bannal + 

But what merits can it have except the author’s merits? Who would you say it’s by, Gunn? + 

Gunn + 

Well, who do you think? Here you have a rotten old-fashioned domestic melodrama acted by the usual stage puppets. The hero’s a naval lieutenant. All melodramatic heroes are naval lieutenants. The heroine gets into trouble by defying the law (if she didn’t get into trouble, thered be no drama) and plays for sympathy all the time as hard as she can. Her good old pious mother turns on her cruel father when he’s going to put her out of the house, and says she’ll go too. Then there’s the comic relief: the comic shopkeeper, the comic shopkeeper’s wife, the comic footman who turns out to be a duke in disguise, and the young scapegrace who gives the author his excuse for dragging in a fast young woman. All as old and stale as a fried fish shop on a winter morning. + 

The Count + 

But⁠— + 

Gunn + 

Interrupting him. I know what you’re going to say, Count. You’re going to say that the whole thing seems to you to be quite new and unusual and original. The naval lieutenant is a Frenchman who cracks up the English and runs down the French: the hackneyed old Shaw touch. The characters are second-rate middle class, instead of being dukes and millionaires. The heroine gets kicked through the mud: real mud. There’s no plot. All the old stage conventions and puppets without the old ingenuity and the old enjoyment. And a feeble air of intellectual pretentiousness kept up all through to persuade you that if the author hasn’t written a good play it’s because he’s too clever to stoop to anything so commonplace. And you three experienced men have sat through all this, and can’t tell me who wrote it! Why, the play bears the author’s signature in every line. + 

Bannal + 

Who? + 

Gunn + 

Granville Barker, of course. Why, old Gilbey is straight out of The Madras House. + 

Bannal + 

Poor old Barker! + 

Vaughan + 

Utter nonsense! Can’t you see the difference in style? + 

Bannal + 

No. + 

Vaughan + 

Contemptuously. Do you know what style is? + 

Bannal + 

Well, I suppose you’d call Trotter’s uniform style. But it’s not my style⁠—since you ask me. + 

Vaughan + 

To me it’s perfectly plain who wrote that play. To begin with, it’s intensely disagreeable. Therefore it’s not by Barrie, in spite of the footman, who’s cribbed from The Admirable Crichton. He was an earl, you may remember. You notice, too, the author’s offensive habit of saying silly things that have no real sense in them when you come to examine them, just to set all the fools in the house giggling. Then what does it all come to? An attempt to expose the supposed hypocrisy of the Puritan middle class in England: people just as good as the author, anyhow. With, of course, the inevitable improper female: the Mrs. Tanqueray, Iris, and so forth. Well, if you can’t recognize the author of that, you’ve mistaken your professions: that’s all I have to say. + 

Bannal + 

Why are you so down on Pinero? And what about that touch that Gunn spotted? the Frenchman’s long speech. I believe it’s Shaw. + 

Gunn + 

Rubbish! + 

Vaughan + 

Rot! You may put that idea out of your head, Bannal. Poor as this play is, there’s the note of passion in it. You feel somehow that beneath all the assumed levity of that poor waif and stray, she really loves Bobby and will be a good wife to him. Now I’ve repeatedly proved that Shaw is physiologically incapable of the note of passion. + 

Bannal + 

Yes, I know. Intellect without emotion. That’s right. I always say that myself. A giant brain, if you ask me; but no heart. + 

Gunn + 

Oh, shut up, Bannal. This crude medieval psychology of heart and brain⁠—Shakespeare would have called it liver and wits⁠—is really schoolboyish. Surely we’ve had enough of secondhand Schopenhauer. Even such a played-out old back number as Ibsen would have been ashamed of it. Heart and brain, indeed! + 

Vaughan + 

You have neither one nor the other, Gunn. You’re decadent. + 

Gunn + 

Decadent! How I love that early Victorian word! + 

Vaughan + 

Well, at all events, you can’t deny that the characters in this play were quite distinguishable from one another. That proves it’s not by Shaw, because all Shaw’s characters are himself: mere puppets stuck up to spout Shaw. It’s only the actors that make them seem different. + 

Bannal + 

There can be no doubt of that: everybody knows it. But Shaw doesn’t write his plays as plays. All he wants to do is to insult everybody all round and set us talking about him. + 

Trotter + 

Wearily. And naturally, here we are all talking about him. For heaven’s sake, let us change the subject. + 

Vaughan + 

Still, my articles about Shaw⁠— + 

Gunn + 

Oh, stow it, Vaughan. Drop it. What I’ve always told you about Shaw is⁠— + 

Bannal + 

There you go, Shaw, Shaw, Shaw! Do chuck it. If you want to know my opinion about Shaw⁠— + 

Yelling. + 

Trotter + 

No, please, we don’t. + 

Vaughan + 

Shut your head, Bannal. + 

Gunn + 

Oh, do drop it. + 

The deafened Count puts his fingers in his ears and flies from the centre of the group to its outskirts, behind Vaughan. + 

Bannal + 

Sulkily. Oh, very well. Sorry I spoke, I’m sure. + 

Beginning again simultaneously. + 

Trotter + 

Shaw⁠— + 

Vaughan + 

Shaw⁠— + 

Gunn + 

Shaw⁠— + 

They are cut short by the entry of Fanny through the curtains. She is almost in tears. + 

Fanny + 

Coming between Trotter and Gunn. I’m so sorry, gentlemen. And it was such a success when I read it to the Cambridge Fabian Society! + 

Trotter + 

Miss O’Dowda: I was about to tell these gentlemen what I guessed before the curtain rose: that you are the author of the play. General amazement and consternation. + 

Fanny + 

And you all think it beastly. You hate it. You think I’m a conceited idiot, and that I shall never be able to write anything decent. + 

She is almost weeping. A wave of sympathy carries away the critics. + 

Vaughan + 

No, no. Why, I was just saying that it must have been written by Pinero. Didn’t I, Gunn? + 

Fanny + 

Enormously flattered. Really? + 

Trotter + 

I thought Pinero was much too popular for the Cambridge Fabian Society. + 

Fanny + 

Oh yes, of course; but still⁠—Oh, did you really say that, Mr. Vaughan? + 

Gunn + 

I owe you an apology, Miss O’Dowda. I said it was by Barker. + 

Fanny + 

Radiant. Granville Barker! Oh, you couldn’t really have thought it so fine as that. + 

Bannal + 

I said Bernard Shaw. + 

Fanny + 

Oh, of course it would be a little like Bernard Shaw. The Fabian touch, you know. + 

Bannal + 

Coming to her encouragingly. A jolly good little play, Miss O’Dowda. Mind: I don’t say it’s like one of Shakespeare’s⁠—Hamlet or The Lady of Lyons, you know⁠—but still, a first-rate little bit of work. He shakes her hand. + 

Gunn + 

Following Bannal’s example. I also, Miss O’Dowda. Capital. Charming. He shakes hands. + 

Vaughan + 

With maudlin solemnity. Only be true to yourself, Miss O’Dowda. Keep serious. Give up making silly jokes. Sustain the note of passion. And you’ll do great things. + 

Fanny + 

You think I have a future? + 

Trotter + 

You have a past, Miss O’Dowda. + 

Fanny + 

Looking apprehensively at her father. Sh-sh-sh! + 

The Count + 

A past! What do you mean, Mr. Trotter? + 

Trotter + 

To Fanny. You can’t deceive me. That bit about the police was real. You’re a Suffragette, Miss O’Dowda. You were on that Deputation. + 

The Count + 

Fanny: is this true? + 

Fanny + 

It is. I did a month with Lady Constance Lytton; and I’m prouder of it than I ever was of anything or ever shall be again. + 

Trotter + 

Is that any reason why you should stuff naughty plays down my throat? + 

Fanny + 

Yes: it’ll teach you what it feels like to be forcibly fed. + 

The Count + 

She will never return to Venice. I feel now as I felt when the Campanile fell. + 

Savoyard comes in through the curtains. + 

Savoyard + 

To the Count. Would you mind coming to say a word of congratulation to the company? They’re rather upset at having had no curtain call. + 

The Count + 

Certainly, certainly. I’m afraid I’ve been rather remiss. Let us go on the stage, gentlemen. + 

The curtains are drawn, revealing the last scene of the play and the actors on the stage. The Count, Savoyard, the critics, and Fanny join them, shaking hands and congratulating. + 

The Count + 

Whatever we may think of the play, gentlemen, I’m sure you will agree with me that there can be only one opinion about the acting. + 

The critics + 

Hear, hear! They start the applause. + 