II + 

As I look back at them now, those energetic years seem all compacted to a year or so; from the days of our first hazardous beginning in Farringdon Street with barely a thousand pounds’ worth of stuff or credit all told⁠—and that got by something perilously like snatching⁠—to the days when my uncle went to the public on behalf of himself and me (one-tenth share) and our silent partners, the drug wholesalers and the printing people and the owner of that group of magazines and newspapers, to ask with honest confidence for £150,000. Those silent partners were remarkably sorry, I know, that they had not taken larger shares and given us longer credit when the subscriptions came pouring in. My uncle had a clear half to play with (including the one-tenth understood to be mine). + 

£150,000⁠—think of it!⁠—for the goodwill in a string of lies and a trade in bottles of mitigated water! Do you realise the madness of the world that sanctions such a thing? Perhaps you don’t. At times use and wont certainly blinded me. If it had not been for Ewart, I don’t think I should have had an inkling of the wonderfulness of this development of my fortunes; I should have grown accustomed to it, fallen in with all its delusions as completely as my uncle presently did. He was immensely proud of the flotation. “They’ve never been given such value,” he said, “for a dozen years.” But Ewart, with his gesticulating hairy hands and bony wrists, his single-handed chorus to all this as it played itself over again in my memory, and he kept my fundamental absurdity illuminated for me during all this astonishing time. + 

“It’s just on all fours with the rest of things,” he remarked; “only more so. You needn’t think you’re anything out of the way.” + 

I remember one disquisition very distinctly. It was just after Ewart had been to Paris on a mysterious expedition to “rough in” some work for a rising American sculptor. This young man had a commission for an allegorical figure of Truth (draped, of course) for his State Capitol, and he needed help. Ewart had returned with his hair cut en brosse and with his costume completely translated into French. He wore, I remember, a bicycling suit of purplish-brown, baggy beyond ageing⁠—the only creditable thing about it was that it had evidently not been made for him⁠—a voluminous black tie, a decadent soft felt hat and several French expletives of a sinister description. “Silly clothes, aren’t they?” he said at the sight of my startled eye. “I don’t know why I got’m. They seemed all right over there.” + 

He had come down to our Raggett Street place to discuss a benevolent project of mine for a poster by him, and he scattered remarkable discourse over the heads (I hope it was over the heads) of our bottlers. + 

“What I like about it all, Ponderevo, is its poetry.⁠ ⁠… That’s where we get the pull of the animals. No animal would ever run a factory like this. Think!⁠ ⁠… One remembers the Beaver, of course. He might very possibly bottle things, but would he stick a label round ’em and sell ’em? The Beaver is a dreamy fool, I’ll admit, him and his dams, but after all there’s a sort of protection about ’em, a kind of muddy practicality! They prevent things getting at him. And it’s not your poetry only. It’s the poetry of the customer too. Poet answering to poet⁠—soul to soul. Health, Strength and Beauty⁠—in a bottle⁠—the magic philtre! Like a fairy tale.⁠ ⁠… + 

“Think of the people to whom your bottles of footle go! (I’m calling it footle, Ponderevo, out of praise,” he said in parenthesis.) + 

“Think of the little clerks and jaded women and overworked people. People overstrained with wanting to do, people overstrained with wanting to be.⁠ ⁠… People, in fact, overstrained.⁠ ⁠… The real trouble of life, Ponderevo, isn’t that we exist⁠—that’s a vulgar error; the real trouble is that we don’t really exist and we want to. That’s what this⁠—in the highest sense⁠—just stands for! The hunger to be⁠—for once⁠—really alive⁠—to the finger tips!⁠ ⁠… + 

“Nobody wants to do and be the things people are⁠—nobody. You don’t want to preside over this⁠—this bottling; I don’t want to wear these beastly clothes and be led about by you; nobody wants to keep on sticking labels on silly bottles at so many farthings a gross. That isn’t existing! That’s⁠—sus⁠—substratum. None of us want to be what we are, or to do what we do. Except as a sort of basis. What do we want? You know. I know. Nobody confesses. What we all want to be is something perpetually young and beautiful⁠—young Joves⁠—young Joves, Ponderevo”⁠—his voice became loud, harsh and declamatory⁠—“pursuing coy half-willing nymphs through everlasting forests.”⁠ ⁠… + 

There was a just-perceptible listening hang in the work about us. + 

“Come downstairs,” I interrupted, “we can talk better there.” + 

“I can talk better here,” he answered. + 

He was just going on, but fortunately the implacable face of Mrs. Hampton Diggs appeared down the aisle of bottling machines. + 

“All right,” he said, “I’ll come.” + 

In the little sanctum below, my uncle was taking a digestive pause after his lunch and by no means alert. His presence sent Ewart back to the theme of modern commerce, over the excellent cigar my uncle gave him. He behaved with the elaborate deference due to a business magnate from an unknown man. + 

“What I was pointing out to your nephew, sir,” said Ewart, putting both elbows on the table, “was the poetry of commerce. He doesn’t, you know, seem to see it at all.” + 

My uncle nodded brightly. “Whad I tell ’im,” he said round his cigar. + 

“We are artists. You and I, sir, can talk, if you will permit me, as one artist to another. It’s advertisement has⁠—done it. Advertisement has revolutionised trade and industry; it is going to revolutionise the world. The old merchant used to tote about commodities; the new one creates values. Doesn’t need to tote. He takes something that isn’t worth anything⁠—or something that isn’t particularly worth anything⁠—and he makes it worth something. He takes mustard that is just like anybody else’s mustard, and he goes about saying, shouting, singing, chalking on walls, writing inside people’s books, putting it everywhere, ‘Smith’s Mustard is the Best.’ And behold it is the best!” + 

“True,” said my uncle, chubbily and with a dreamy sense of mysticism; “true!” + 

“It’s just like an artist; he takes a lump of white marble on the verge of a limekiln, he chips it about, he makes⁠—he makes a monument to himself⁠—and others⁠—a monument the world will not willingly let die. Talking of mustard, sir, I was at Clapham Junction the other day, and all the banks are overgrown with horse radish that’s got loose from a garden somewhere. You know what horseradish is⁠—grows like wildfire⁠—spreads⁠—spreads. I stood at the end of the platform looking at the stuff and thinking about it. ‘Like fame,’ I thought, ‘rank and wild where it isn’t wanted. Why don’t the really good things in life grow like horseradish?’ I thought. My mind went off in a peculiar way it does from that to the idea that mustard costs a penny a tin⁠—I bought some the other day for a ham I had. It came into my head that it would be ripping good business to use horseradish to adulterate mustard. I had a sort of idea that I could plunge into business on that, get rich and come back to my own proper monumental art again. And then I said, ‘But why adulterate? I don’t like the idea of adulteration.’ ” + 

“Shabby,” said my uncle, nodding his head. “Bound to get found out!” + 

“And totally unnecessary, too! Why not do up a mixture⁠—three-quarters pounded horseradish and a quarter mustard⁠—give it a fancy name⁠—and sell it at twice the mustard price. See? I very nearly started the business straight away, only something happened. My train came along.” + 

“Jolly good ideer,” said my uncle. He looked at me. “That really is an ideer, George,” he said. + 

“Take shavin’s, again! You know that poem of Longfellow’s, sir, that sounds exactly like the first declension. What is it?⁠—‘Man’s a maker, men say!’ ” + 

My uncle nodded and gurgled some quotation that died away. + 

“Jolly good poem, George,” he said in an aside to me. + 

“Well, it’s about a carpenter and a poetic Victorian child, you know, and some shavin’s. The child made no end out of the shavin’s. So might you. Powder ’em. They might be anything. Soak ’em in jipper⁠—Xylo-tobacco! Powder’em and get a little tar and turpentinous smell in⁠—wood-packing for hot baths⁠—a Certain Cure for the scourge of Influenza! There’s all these patent grain foods⁠—what Americans call cereals. I believe I’m right, sir, in saying they’re sawdust.” + 

“No!” said my uncle, removing his cigar; “as far as I can find out it’s really grain⁠—spoilt grain.⁠ ⁠… I’ve been going into that.” + 

“Well, there you are!” said Ewart. “Say it’s spoilt grain. It carried out my case just as well. Your modern commerce is no more buying and selling than sculpture. It’s mercy⁠—it’s salvation. It’s rescue work! It takes all sorts of fallen commodities by the hand and raises them. Cana isn’t in it. You turn water⁠—into Tono-Bungay.” + 

“Tono-Bungay’s all right,” said my uncle, suddenly grave. “We aren’t talking of Tono-Bungay.” + 

“Your nephew, sir, is hard; he wants everything to go to a sort of predestinated end; he’s a Calvinist of Commerce. Offer him a dustbin full of stuff; he calls it refuse⁠—passes by on the other side. Now you, sir you’d make cinders respect themselves.” + 

My uncle regarded him dubiously for a moment. But there was a touch of appreciation in his eye. + 

“Might make ’em into a sort of sanitary brick,” he reflected over his cigar end. + 

“Or a friable biscuit. Why not? You might advertise: ‘Why are Birds so Bright? Because they digest their food perfectly! Why do they digest their food so perfectly? Because they have a gizzard! Why hasn’t man a gizzard? Because he can buy Ponderevo’s Asphalt Triturating, Friable Biscuit⁠—Which is Better.’ ” + 

He delivered the last words in a shout, with his hairy hand flourished in the air.⁠ ⁠… + 

“Damn clever fellow,” said my uncle, after he had one. “I know a man when I see one. He’d do. But drunk, I should say. But that only makes some chap brighter. If he wants to do that poster, he can. Zzzz. That ideer of his about the horseradish. There’s something in that, George. I’m going to think over that.⁠ ⁠…” + 

I may say at once that my poster project came to nothing in the end, though Ewart devoted an interesting week to the matter. He let his unfortunate disposition to irony run away with him. He produced a picture of two beavers with a subtle likeness, he said, to myself and my uncle⁠—the likeness to my uncle certainly wasn’t half bad⁠—and they were bottling rows and rows of Tono-Bungay, with the legend “Modern Commerce.” It certainly wouldn’t have sold a case, though he urged it on me one cheerful evening on the ground that it would “arouse curiosity.” In addition he produced a quite shocking study of my uncle, excessively and needlessly nude, but, so far as I was able to judge, an admirable likeness, engaged in feats of strength of a Gargantuan type before an audience of deboshed and shattered ladies. The legend, “Health, Beauty, Strength,” below, gave a needed point to his parody. This he hung up in the studio over the oil shop, with a flap of brown paper; by way of a curtain over it to accentuate its libellous offence. + 