VI
He let himself in at the heavy door; when he closed it behind him, in the darkness, the heaviness of the door sent long surreptitious whisperings up the great stone stairs. These sounds irritated him. If you shut a heavy door on an enclosed space it will push air in front of it and there will be whisperings; the atmosphere of mystery was absurd. He was just a man, returning after a night out.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Two-thirds, say, of a night out! It must be half-past three. But what the night had lacked in length it had made up in fantastic aspects.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶
He laid his cane down on the invisible oak chest and, through the tangible and velvety darkness that had always in it the chill of the stone of walls and stairs, he felt for the handle of the breakfast-room door.
Three long parallelograms existed: pale glimmerings above, cut two-thirds of the way down by the serrations of chimney pot and roof-shadows! Nine full paces across the heavy piled carpet; then he ought to reach his round-backed chair, by the left-hand window. He reached his round-backed chair by the left-hand window. He sank into it; it fitted exactly his back. He imagined that no man had ever been so tired and that no man had ever been so alone! A small, alive sound existed at the other end of the room; in front of him existed one and a half pale parallelograms. They were the reflection of the windows of the mirror; the sound was no doubt Calton, the cat. Something alive, at any rate! Possibly Sylvia at the other end of the room, waiting for him, to see what he looked like. Most likely! It didnвАЩt matter!
His mind stopped! Sheer weariness!
When it went on again it was saying:
вАЬNaked shingles and surges drearвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ and, вАЬOn these debatable borders of the world!вАЭ He said sharply: вАЬNonsense!вАЭ The one was either вАЬCalais BeachвАЭ or вАЬDover SandsвАЭ of the whiskered man: Arnold.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ He would be seeing them both within the twenty-four hours.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ But no! He was going from Waterloo. Southampton, Havre, therefore!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ The other was by that detestable fellow: вАЬthe subject of our little monograph!вАЭвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ What a long time ago!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ He saw a pile of shining despatch cases: the inscription вАЬThis rack is reserved forвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ; a colouredвБ†вАФpink and blue!вБ†вАФphotograph of Boulogne sands and the held up squares, the proofs of вАЬour littleвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ What a long time ago! He heard his own voice saying in the new railway carriage, proudly, clearly and with male hardness:
вАЬI stand for monogamy and chastity. And for no talking about it. Of course if a man whoвАЩs a man wants to have a woman he has her. And again no talking about it.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ His voiceвБ†вАФhis own voiceвБ†вАФcame to him as if from the other end of a long-distance telephone. A damn long-distance one! Ten yearsвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶
If then a man whoвАЩs a man wants to have a woman.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Damn it, he doesnвАЩt! In ten years he had learnt that a Tommie whoвАЩs a decent fellow.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ His mind said at one and the same moment, the two lines running one over the other like the two subjects of a fugue:
вАЬSome beguiling virgins with the broken seals of perjury,вАЭ and:
вАЬSince when we stand side by side, only hands may meet!вАЭ
He said:
вАЬBut damn it; damn it again! The beastly fellow was wrong! Our hands didnвАЩt meet.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I donвАЩt believe IвАЩve shaken hands.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I donвАЩt believe IвАЩve touched the girlвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ in my life.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Never once!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Not the handshaking sort.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ A nod!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ A meeting and parting!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ English, you knowвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ But yes, she put her arm over my shoulders.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ On the bank!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ On such short acquaintance! I said to myself thenвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Well, weвАЩve made up for it since then. Oh no! Not made up! AtonedвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ As Sylvia so aptly put it; at that moment mother was dying.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
He, his conscious self, said:
вАЬBut it was probably the drunken brother.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ You donвАЩt beguile virgins with the broken seals of perjury in Kensington High Street at two at night supporting, one on each side, a drunken bluejacket with intermittent legs.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
вАЬIntermittent!вАЭ was the word. вАЬIntermittently functioning!вАЭ
At one point the boy had broken from them and run with astonishing velocity along the dull wood paving of an immense empty street. When they had caught him up he had been haranguing under black hanging trees, with an Oxford voice, an immobile policeman:
вАЬYouвАЩre the fellows!вАЭ heвАЩd been exclaiming, вАЬwho make old England what she is! You keep the peace in our homes! You save us from the vile excesses.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
Tietjens himself he had always addressed with the voice and accent of a common seaman; with his coarsened surface voice!
He had the two personalities. Two or three times he had said:
вАЬWhy donвАЩt you kiss the girl? SheвАЩs a nice girl, isnвАЩt she? YouвАЩre a poor bвБ†вЄЇвБ†y Tommie, ainвАЩt cher? Well, the poor bвБ†вЄЇвБ†y Tommies ought to have all the nice girls they want! ThatвАЩs straight, isnвАЩt it?вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
And, even at that time they hadnвАЩt known what was going to happen.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ There are certain cruelties.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ They had got a four-wheel cab at last. The drunken boy had sat beside the driver; he had insisted.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Her little, pale, shrunken face had gazed straight before her.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ It hadnвАЩt been possible to speak; the cab, rattling all over the road had pulled up with frightful jerks when the boy had grabbed at the reins.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ The old driver hadnвАЩt seemed to mind; but they had had to subscribe all the money in their pockets to pay him after they had carried the boy into the black house.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶
TietjensвАЩ mind said to him:
вАЬNow when they came to her fatherвАЩs house so nimbly she slipped in, and said: вАШThere is a fool without and there is a maid within.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЩвАКвАЭ
He answered dully:
вАЬPerhaps thatвАЩs what it really amounts to.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ He had stood at the hall door, she looking out at him with a pitiful face. Then from the sofa within the brother had begun to snore; enormous, grotesque sounds, like the laughter of unknown races from darkness. He had turned and walked down the path, she following him. He had exclaimed:
вАЬItвАЩs perhaps tooвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ untidyвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She had said:
вАЬYes! YesвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ UglyвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ TooвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ ohвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ private!вАЭ
He said, he remembered:
вАЬButвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ foreverвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She said, in a great hurry:
вАЬBut when you come back.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Permanently. AndвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ AndвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ oh, as if it were in public.вАЭвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ вАЬI donвАЩt know,вАЭ She had added. вАЬOught we?вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ IвАЩd be ready.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ She added: вАЬI will be ready for anything you ask.вАЭ
He had said at some time: вАЬBut obviously.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Not under this roof.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ And he had added: вАЬWeвАЩre the sort thatвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ do not!вАЭ
She had answered, quickly too:
вАЬYesвБ†вАФthatвАЩs it. WeвАЩre that sort!вАЭ And then she had asked: вАЬAnd EthelвАЩs party? Was it a great success?вАЭ It hadnвАЩt, she knew, been an inconsequence. He had answered:
вАЬAhвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ ThatвАЩs permanent.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ ThatвАЩs public.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ There was Rugeley. The DukeвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Sylvia brought him. SheвАЩll be a great friend!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ And the President of theвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Local Government Board, I thinkвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ And a BelgianвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ equivalent to Lord Chief JusticeвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ and, of course, Claudine Sandbach.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Two hundred and seventy; all of the best, the modestly-elated Guggumses said as I left! And Mr.¬†RugglesвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Yes!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ TheyвАЩre established.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ No place for me!вАЭ
вАЬNor for me!вАЭ she had answered. She added: вАЬBut IвАЩm glad!вАЭ
Patches of silence ran between them; they hadnвАЩt yet got out of the habit of thinking they had to hold up the drunken brother. That had seemed to last for a thousand painful months.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Long enough to acquire a habit. The brother seemed to roar: вАЬHawвБ†вАФHawвБ†вАФKuryasch.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ And after two minutes: вАЬHawвБ†вАФHawвБ†вАФKuryasch.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ Hungarian, no doubt!
He said:
вАЬIt was splendid to see Vincent standing beside the Duke. Showing him a first edition! Not of course quite the thing for a, after all, wedding party! But how was Rugeley to know that?вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ And Vincent not in the least servile! He even corrected cousin Rugeley over the meaning of the word вАШcolophonвАЩ! The first time he ever corrected a superior!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Established, you see!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ And practically cousin Rugeley.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Dear Sylvia TietjensвАЩ cousin, so the next to nearest thing! Wife of Lady MacmasterвАЩs oldest friend.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Sylvia going to them in theirвБ†вАФquite modest!вБ†вАФlittle place in Surrey.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ As for us,вАЭ he had concluded вАЬthey also serve who only stand and wait.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She said:
вАЬI suppose the rooms looked lovely.вАЭ
He had answered:
вАЬLovely.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ TheyвАЩd got all the pictures by that beastly fellow up from the rectory study in the dining-room on dark oak panelling.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ A fair blaze of bosoms and nipples and lips and pomegranates.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ The tallest silver candlesticks of courseвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ you remember silver candlesticks and dark oak.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She said:
вАЬOh, my dearвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ DonвАЩtвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ DonвАЩt!вАЭ
He had just touched the rim of his helmet with his folded gloves.
вАЬSo we just wash out!вАЭ he had said.
She said:
вАЬWould you take this bit of parchment.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I got a little Jew girl to write on it in Hebrew: ItвАЩs вАШGod bless you and keep you: God watch over you at your goings out and atвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЩвАКвАЭ
He tucked it into his breast pocket.
вАЬThe talismanic passage,вАЭ he said. вАЬOf course IвАЩll wear it.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She said:
вАЬIf we could wash out this afternoon.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ It would make it easier to bear.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Your poor mother, you know, she was dying when we lastвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
He said:
вАЬYou remember thatвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Even then youвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ And if I hadnвАЩt gone to Lobscheid.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She said:
вАЬFrom the first moment I set eyes on you.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
He said:
вАЬAnd IвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ from the first momentвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ IвАЩll tell youвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ If I looked out of a doorвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ It was all like sand.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ But to the half left a little bubbling up of water. That could be trusted. To keep on forever.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ You, perhaps, wonвАЩt understand.вАЭ
She said:
вАЬYes! I know!вАЭ
вАЬThey were seeing landscapes.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Sand dunes; close-cropped.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Some negligible shipping; a stump-masted brig from Archangel.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
вАЬFrom the first moment,вАЭ he repeated.
She said:
вАЬIf we could wash outвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
He said, and for the first moment felt grand, tender, protective:
вАЬYes, you can,вАЭ he said. вАЬYou cut out from this afternoon, just before 4:58 it was when I said that to you and you consentedвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I heard the Horse Guards clock.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ To now.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Cut it out; and join time up.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ It can be done. You know they do it surgically; for some illness; cut out a great length of the bowel and join the tube up.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ For colitis, I think.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She said:
вАЬBut I wouldnвАЩt cut it out.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ It was the first spoken sign.вАЭ
He said:
вАЬNo it wasnвАЩt.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ From the very beginningвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ with every word.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She exclaimed:
вАЬYou felt that.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Too!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ WeвАЩve been pushed, as in a carpenterвАЩs vise.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ We couldnвАЩt have got away.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
He said: вАЬBy God! ThatвАЩs it.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
He suddenly saw a weeping willow in St.¬†JamesвАЩs Park; 4:59! He had just said: вАЬWill you be my mistress tonight?вАЭ She had gone away, half left her hands to her face.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ A small fountain; half left. That could be trusted to keep on forever.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶
Along the lake side, sauntering, swinging his crooked stick, his incredibly shiny top-hat perched sideways, his claw-hammer coat tails, very long, flapping out behind, in dusty sunlight, his magpie pince-nez gleaming, had come, naturally, Mr. Ruggles. He had looked at the girl; then down at Tietjens, sprawled on his bench. He had just touched the brim of his shiny hat. He said:
вАЬDining at the club tonight?вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
Tietjens said: вАЬNo; IвАЩve resigned.вАЭ
With the aspect of a long-billed bird chewing a bit of putridity, Ruggles said:
вАЬOh, but weвАЩve had an emergency meeting of the committeeвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ the committee was sittingвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ and sent you a letter asking you to reconsider.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
Tietjens said:
вАЬI know.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I shall withdraw my resignation tonight.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ And resign again tomorrow morning.вАЭ
RugglesвАЩ muscles had relaxed for a quick second, then they stiffened.
вАЬOh, I say!вАЭ he had said. вАЬNot that.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ You couldnвАЩt do that.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Not to the club!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ ItвАЩs never been done.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ ItвАЩs an insult.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
вАЬItвАЩs meant to be,вАЭ Tietjens said. вАЬGentlemen shouldnвАЩt be expected to belong to a club that has certain members on its committee.вАЭ
RugglesвАЩ deepish voice suddenly grew very high.
вАЬEh, I say, you know!вАЭ he squeaked.
Tietjens had said:
вАЬIвАЩm not vindictive.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ But I am deadly tired: of all old women and their chatter.вАЭ
Ruggles had said:
вАЬI donвАЩtвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ His face had become suddenly dark brown, scarlet and then brownish purple. He stood droopingly looking at TietjensвАЩ boots.
вАЬOh! Ah! Well!вАЭ he said at last. вАЬSee you at MacmasterвАЩs tonight.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ A great thing his knighthood. First-class man.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
That had been the first Tietjens had heard of MacmasterвАЩs knighthood; he had missed looking at the honoursвАЩ list of that morning. Afterwards, dining alone with Sir Vincent and Lady Macmaster, he had seen, pinned up, a back view of the Sovereign doing something to Vincent; a photo for next morningвАЩs papers. From MacmasterвАЩs embarrassed hushings of Edith EthelвАЩs explanation that the honour was for special services of a specific kind Tietjens guessed both the nature of MacmasterвАЩs service and the fact that the little man hadnвАЩt told Edith Ethel who, originally, had done the work. AndвБ†вАФjust like his girlвБ†вАФTietjens had let it go at that. He didnвАЩt see why poor Vincent shouldnвАЩt have that little bit of prestige at homeвБ†вАФunder all the monuments! But he hadnвАЩtвБ†вАФthough through all the evening Macmaster, with the solicitude and affection of a cringing Italian greyhound, had hastened from celebrity to celebrity to hang over Tietjens, and although Tietjens knew that his friend was grieved and appalled, like any woman, at his, TietjensвАЩ, going out again to FranceвБ†вАФTietjens hadnвАЩt been able to look Macmaster again in the face.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ He had felt ashamed. He had felt, for the first time in his life, ashamed!
Even when he, Tietjens, had slipped away from the partyвБ†вАФto go to his good fortune!вБ†вАФMacmaster had come panting down the stairs, running after him, through guests coming up. He had said:
вАЬWaitвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ YouвАЩre not going.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I want toвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ With a miserable and appalled glance he had looked up the stairs; Lady Macmaster might have come out too. With his black, short beard quivering and his wretched eyes turned down, he had said:
вАЬI wanted to explain.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ This miserable knighthood.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
Tietjens patted him on the shoulder, Macmaster being on the stairs above him.
вАЬItвАЩs all right, old man,вАЭ he had saidвБ†вАФand with real affection: вАЬWeвАЩve powlered up and down enough for a little thing like that not toвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ IвАЩm very glad.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
Macmaster had whispered:
вАЬAnd Valentine.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ SheвАЩs not here tonight.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
He had exclaimed:
вАЬBy God!вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ If I thoughtвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ Tietjens had said: вАЬItвАЩs all right. ItвАЩs all right. SheвАЩs at another partyвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ IвАЩm going onвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
Macmaster had looked at him doubtingly and with misery, leaning over and clutching the clammy banisters.
вАЬTell herвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ he saidвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ вАЬGood God! You may be killed.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I beg youвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I beg you to believeвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I willвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Like the apple of my eye.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ In the swift glance that Tietjens took of his face he could see that MacmasterвАЩs eyes were full of tears.
They both stood looking down at the stone stairs for a long time.
Then Macmaster had said: вАЬWellвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
Tietjens had said: вАЬWellвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ But he hadnвАЩt been able to look at MacmasterвАЩs eyes, though he had felt his friendвАЩs eyes pitiably exploring his own face.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ вАЬA backstairs way out of it,вАЭ he had thought; a queer thing that you couldnвАЩt look in the face a man you were never going to see again!
вАЬBut by God,вАЭ he said to himself fiercely, when his mind came back again to the girl in front of him, вАЬthis isnвАЩt going to be another backstairs exit.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I must tell her.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ IвАЩm damned if I donвАЩt make an effort.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She had her handkerchief to her face.
вАЬIвАЩm always crying,вАЭ she said.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ вАЬA little bubbling spring that can be trusted to keep on.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
He looked to the right and to the left. Ruggles or General Someone with false teeth that didnвАЩt fit must be coming along. The street with its sooty boskage was clean empty and silent. She was looking at him. He didnвАЩt know how long he had been silent, he didnвАЩt know where he had been; intolerable waves urged him towards her.
After a long time he said:
вАЬWellвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ
She moved back. She said:
вАЬI wonвАЩt watch you out of sight.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ It is unlucky to watch anyone out of sight.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ But I will neverвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I will never cut what you said then out of my memoryвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ She was gone; the door shut. He had wondered what she would never cut out of her memory. That he had asked her that afternoon to be his mistress?вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶
He had caught, outside the gates of his old office, a transport lorry that had given him a lift to Holborn.вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶