Scene + 

I + 

A room in Lady Wishfort’s house. + 

Lady Wishfort at her toilet, Peg waiting. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Merciful! No news of Foible yet? + 

Peg + 

No, madam. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

I have no more patience.⁠—If I have not fretted myself till I am pale again, there’s no veracity in me. Fetch me the red⁠—the red, do you hear, sweetheart?⁠—An errant ash colour, as I’m a person. Look you how this wench stirs! Why dost thou not fetch me a little red? Didst thou not hear me, Mopus? + 

Peg + 

The red ratafia, does your ladyship mean, or the cherry brandy? + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Ratafia, fool? No, fool. Not the ratafia, fool⁠—grant me patience!⁠—I mean the Spanish paper, idiot; complexion, darling. Paint, paint, paint, dost thou understand that, changeling, dangling thy hands like bobbins before thee? Why dost thou not stir, puppet? Thou wooden thing upon wires! + 

Peg + 

Lord, madam, your ladyship is so impatient!⁠—I cannot come at the paint, madam: Mrs. Foible has locked it up, and carried the key with her. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

A pox take you both.⁠—Fetch me the cherry brandy then.Exit Peg. I’m as pale and as faint, I look like Mrs. Qualmsick, the curate’s wife, that’s always breeding. Wench, come, come, wench, what art thou doing? Sipping? Tasting?⁠—Save thee, dost thou not know the bottle? + 

Reenter Peg with a bottle and china cup. + 

Peg + 

Madam, I was looking for a cup. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

A cup, save thee, and what a cup hast thou brought! Dost thou take me for a fairy, to drink out of an acorn? Why didst thou not bring thy thimble? Hast thou ne’er a brass thimble clinking in thy pocket with a bit of nutmeg?⁠—I warrant thee. Come, fill, fill!⁠—So⁠—again.⁠—Knocking at the door. See who that is.⁠—Set down the bottle first!⁠—here, here, under the table.⁠—What, wouldst thou go with the bottle in thy hand like a tapster? As I’m a person, this wench has lived in an inn upon the road, before she came to me, like Maritornes the Asturian in Don Quixote.⁠—No Foible yet? + 

Peg + 

No, madam; Mrs. Marwood. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Oh, Marwood: let her come in.⁠—Come in, good Marwood. + 

Enter Mrs. Marwood. + 

Mrs. Marwood + 

I’m surprised to find your ladyship in deshabille at this time of day. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Foible’s a lost thing; has been abroad since morning, and never heard of since. + 

Mrs. Marwood + 

I saw her but now, as I came masked through the park, in conference with Mirabell. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

With Mirabell!⁠—You call my blood into my face with mentioning that traitor. She durst not have the confidence. I sent her to negotiate an affair, in which if I’m detected I’m undone. If that wheedling villain has wrought upon Foible to detect me, I’m ruined. O my dear friend, I’m a wretch of wretches if I’m detected. + 

Mrs. Marwood + 

O madam, you cannot suspect Mrs. Foible’s integrity! + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Oh, he carries poison in his tongue that would corrupt integrity itself! If she has given him an opportunity, she has as good as put her integrity into his hands. Ah, dear Marwood, what’s integrity to an opportunity?⁠—Hark! I hear her!⁠—dear friend, retire into my closet, that I may examine her with more freedom⁠—you’ll pardon me, dear friend, I can make bold with you⁠—there are books over the chimney⁠—Quarles and Prynne, and the Short View of the Stage, with Bunyan’s works to entertain you.⁠—To Peg.⁠—Go, you thing, and send her in. + 

Exeunt Mrs. Marwood and Peg. + 

Enter Foible. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

O Foible, where hast thou been? What hast thou been doing? + 

Foible + 

Madam, I have seen the party. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

But what hast thou done? + 

Foible + 

Nay, ’tis your ladyship has done, and are to do; I have only promised. But a man so enamoured⁠—so transported! Well, if worshipping of pictures be a sin⁠—poor Sir Rowland, I say. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

The miniature has been counted like. But hast thou not betrayed me, Foible? Hast thou not detected me to that faithless Mirabell? What hast thou to do with him in the park? Answer me, has he got nothing out of thee? + 

Foible + 

Aside. So, the devil has been beforehand with me; what shall I say?⁠—Aloud.⁠—Alas, madam, could I help it, if I met that confident thing? Was I in fault? If you had heard how he used me, and all upon your ladyship’s account, I’m sure you would not suspect my fidelity. Nay, if that had been the worst I could have borne: but he had a fling at your ladyship too, and then I could not hold; but, i’faith I gave him his own. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Me? What did the filthy fellow say? + 

Foible + 

O madam, ’tis a shame to say what he said⁠—with his taunts and his fleers, tossing up his nose. Humph! (says he) what, you are a hatching some plot (says he), you are so early abroad, or catering (says he), ferreting for some disbanded officer, I warrant.⁠—Half pay is but thin subsistence (says he), well, what pension does your lady propose? Let me see, (says he), what, she must come down pretty deep now, she’s superannuated (says he) and⁠— + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Ods my life, I’ll have him⁠—I’ll have him murdered. I’ll have him poisoned. Where does he eat?⁠—I’ll marry a drawer to have him poisoned in his wine. I’ll send for Robin from Locket’s immediately. + 

Foible + 

Poison him? Poisoning’s too good for him. Starve him, madam, starve him; marry Sir Rowland, and get him disinherited. Oh, you would bless yourself to hear what he said! + 

Lady Wishfort + 

A villain! Superannuated! + 

Foible + 

Humph (says he), I hear you are laying designs against me too (says he) and Mrs. Millamant is to marry my uncle (he does not suspect a word of your ladyship); but (says he) I’ll fit you for that, I warrant you (says he) I’ll hamper you for that (says he); you and your old frippery too (says he); I’ll handle you⁠— + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Audacious villain! Handle me? Would he durst?⁠—Frippery! Old frippery! Was there ever such a foul-mouthed fellow? I’ll be married tomorrow, I’ll be contracted tonight. + 

Foible + 

The sooner the better, madam. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Will Sir Rowland be here, say’st thou? When, Foible? + 

Foible + 

Incontinently, madam. No new sheriff’s wife expects the return of her husband after knighthood with that impatience in which Sir Rowland burns for the dear hour of kissing your ladyship’s hand after dinner. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Frippery! Superannuated frippery! I’ll frippery the villain; I’ll reduce him to frippery and rags, a tatterdemalion! I hope to see him hung with tatters, like a Long Lane penthouse, or a gibbet thief. A slander-mouthed railer! I warrant the spendthrift prodigal’s in debt as much as the million lottery, or the whole court upon a birthday. I’ll spoil his credit with his tailor. Yes, he shall have my niece with her fortune, he shall. + 

Foible + 

He! I hope to see him lodge in Ludgate first, and angle into Blackfriars for brass farthings with an old mitten. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Aye, dear Foible; thank thee for that, dear Foible. He has put me out of all patience. I shall never recompose my features to receive Sir Rowland with any economy of face. This wretch has fretted me that I am absolutely decayed. Look, Foible. + 

Foible + 

Your ladyship has frowned a little too rashly, indeed, madam. There are some cracks discernible in the white varnish. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Let me see the glass.⁠—Cracks, say’st thou? Why, I am arrantly flayed⁠—I look like an old peeled wall. Thou must repair me, Foible, before Sir Rowland comes, or I shall never keep up to my picture. + 

Foible + 

I warrant you, madam, a little art once made your picture like you, and now a little of the same art must make you like your picture. Your picture must sit for you, madam. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

But art thou sure Sir Rowland will not fail to come? Or will a not fail when he does come? Will he be importunate, Foible, and push? For if he should not be importunate I shall never break decorums⁠—I shall die with confusion if I am forced to advance⁠—oh no, I can never advance⁠—I shall swoon if he should expect advances. No, I hope Sir Rowland is better bred than to put a lady to the necessity of breaking her forms. I won’t be too coy neither⁠—I won’t give him despair⁠—but a little disdain is not amiss; a little scorn is alluring. + 

Foible + 

A little scorn becomes your ladyship. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Yes, but tenderness becomes me best⁠—a sort of a dyingness⁠—you see that picture has a sort of a⁠—ha, Foible! A swimmingness in the eyes⁠—yes, I’ll look so⁠—my niece affects it; but she wants features. Is Sir Rowland handsome? Let my toilet be removed⁠—I’ll dress above. I’ll receive Sir Rowland here. Is he handsome? Don’t answer me. I won’t know; I’ll be surprised. I’ll be taken by surprise. + 

Foible + 

By storm, madam. Sir Rowland’s a brisk man. + 

Lady Wishfort + 

Is he? Oh, then, he’ll importune, if he’s a brisk man. I shall save decorums if Sir Rowland importunes. I have a mortal terror at the apprehension of offending against decorums. Oh, I’m glad he’s a brisk man. Let my things be removed, good Foible. + 

Exit. + 

Enter Mrs. Fainall. + 

Mrs. Fainall + 

O Foible, I have been in a fright, lest I should come too late. That devil, Marwood, saw you in the park with Mirabell, and I’m afraid will discover it to my lady. + 

Foible + 

Discover what, madam? + 

Mrs. Fainall + 

Nay, nay, put not on that strange face. I am privy to the whole design, and know that Waitwell, to whom thou wert this morning married, is to personate Mirabell’s uncle, and, as such winning my lady, to involve her in those difficulties from which Mirabell only must release her, by his making his conditions to have my cousin and her fortune left to her own disposal. + 

Foible + 

O dear madam, I beg your pardon. It was not my confidence in your ladyship that was deficient; but I thought the former good correspondence between your ladyship and Mr. Mirabell might have hindered his communicating this secret. + 

Mrs. Fainall + 

Dear Foible, forget that. + 

Foible + 

O dear madam, Mr. Mirabell is such a sweet winning gentleman⁠—but your ladyship is the pattern of generosity.⁠—Sweet lady, to be so good! Mr. Mirabell cannot choose but be grateful. I find your ladyship has his heart still. Now, madam, I can safely tell your ladyship our success: Mrs. Marwood had told my lady, but I warrant I managed myself. I turned it all for the better. I told my lady that Mr. Mirabell railed at her. I laid horrid things to his charge, I’ll vow; and my lady is so incensed that she’ll be contracted to Sir Rowland tonight, she says; I warrant I worked her up that he may have her for asking for, as they say of a Welsh maidenhead. + 

Mrs. Fainall + 

O rare Foible! + 

Foible + 

Madam, I beg your ladyship to acquaint Mr. Mirabell of his success. I would be seen as little as possible to speak to him⁠—besides, I believe Madam Marwood watches me. She has a month’s mind; but I know Mr. Mirabell can’t abide her.⁠—John!⁠—Calls. remove my lady’s toilet.⁠—Madam, your servant. My lady is so impatient, I fear she’ll come for me, if I stay. + 

Mrs. Fainall + 

I’ll go with you up the backstairs, lest I should meet her. + 

Exeunt. + 