Scene II. The back of the garden.
Enter Hastings.
Hastings
What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who probably takes a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, and I’ll wait no longer. What do I see? It is he! and perhaps with news of my Constance.
Enter Tony, booted and spattered.
Hastings
My honest Squire! I now find you a man of your word. This looks like friendship.
Tony
Ay, I’m your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, if you knew but all. This riding by night, by the by, is cursedly tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stagecoach.
Hastings
But how? where did you leave your fellow-travellers? Are they in safety? Are they housed?
Tony
Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I’d rather ride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment.
Hastings
Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with impatience.
Tony
Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I found them?
Hastings
This is a riddle.
Tony
Riddle me this then. What’s that goes round the house, and round the house, and never touches the house?
Hastings
I’m still astray.
Tony
Why, that’s it, mon. I have led them astray. By jingo, there’s not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the taste of.
Hastings
Ha! ha! ha! I understand: you took them in a round, while they supposed themselves going forward, and so you have at last brought them home again.
Tony
You shall hear. I first took them down Featherbed Lane, where we stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones of Up-and-down Hill. I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-tree Heath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in the horsepond at the bottom of the garden.
Hastings
But no accident, I hope?
Tony
No, no. Only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinks herself forty miles off. She’s sick of the journey; and the cattle can scarce crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with cousin, and I’ll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow you.
Hastings
My dear friend, how can I be grateful?
Tony
Ay, now it’s “dear friend,” “noble Squire.” Just now, it was all “idiot,” “cub,” and run me through the guts. Damn your way of fighting, I say. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and be friends. But if you had run me through the guts, then I should be dead, and you might go kiss the hangman.
Hastings
The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss Neville; if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of the young one.
Tony
Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish! Exit Hastings. She’s got from the pond, and draggled up to the waist like a mermaid.
Enter Mrs. Hardcastle.
Mrs. Hardcastle
Oh, Tony, I’m killed! Shook! Battered to death. I shall never survive it. That last jolt, that laid us against the quickset hedge, has done my business.
Tony
Alack, mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be for running away by night, without knowing one inch of the way.
Mrs. Hardcastle
I wish we were at home again. I never met so many accidents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a ditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose our way. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony?
Tony
By my guess we should come upon Crackskull Common, about forty miles from home.
Mrs. Hardcastle
O lud! O lud! The most notorious spot in all the country. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on’t.
Tony
Don’t be afraid, mamma; don’t be afraid. Two of the five that kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don’t be afraid. Is that a man that’s galloping behind us? No; it’s only a tree. Don’t be afraid.
Mrs. Hardcastle
The fright will certainly kill me.
Tony
Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the thicket?
Mrs. Hardcastle
Oh, death!
Tony
No; it’s only a cow. Don’t be afraid, mamma; don’t be afraid.
Mrs. Hardcastle
As I’m alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. Ah! I’m sure on’t. If he perceives us, we are undone.
Tony
Aside. Father-in-law, by all that’s unlucky, come to take one of his night walks. To her. Ah, it’s a highwayman with pistols as long as my arm. A damned ill-looking fellow.
Mrs. Hardcastle
Good Heaven defend us! He approaches.
Tony
Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage him. If there be any danger, I’ll cough, and cry hem. When I cough, be sure to keep close. Mrs. Hardcastle hides behind a tree in the back scene.
Enter Hardcastle.
Hardcastle
I’m mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of help. Oh, Tony! is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are your mother and her charge in safety?
Tony
Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree’s. Hem.
Mrs. Hardcastle
From behind. Ah, death! I find there’s danger.
Hardcastle
Forty miles in three hours; sure that’s too much, my youngster.
Tony
Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they say. Hem.
Mrs. Hardcastle
From behind. Sure he’ll do the dear boy no harm.
Hardcastle
But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from whence it came.
Tony
It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that forty miles in four hours was very good going. Hem. As to be sure it was. Hem. I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We’ll go in, if you please. Hem.
Hardcastle
But if you talked to yourself you did not answer yourself. I’m certain I heard two voices, and am resolved Raising his voice. to find the other out.
Mrs. Hardcastle
From behind. Oh! he’s coming to find me out. Oh!
Tony
What need you go, sir, if I tell you? Hem. I’ll lay down my life for the truth—hem—I’ll tell you all, sir. Detaining him.
Hardcastle
I tell you I will not be detained. I insist on seeing. It’s in vain to expect I’ll believe you.
Mrs. Hardcastle
Running forward from behind. O lud! he’ll murder my poor boy, my darling! Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon me. Take my money, my life, but spare that young gentleman; spare my child, if you have any mercy.
Hardcastle
My wife, as I’m a Christian! From whence can she come, or what does she mean?
Mrs. Hardcastle
Kneeling. Take compassion on us, good Mr. Highwayman. Take our money, our watches, all we have, but spare our lives. We will never bring you to justice; indeed we won’t, good Mr. Highwayman.
Hardcastle
I believe the woman’s out of her senses. What, Dorothy, don’t you know me?
Mrs. Hardcastle
Mr. Hardcastle, as I’m alive! My fears blinded me. But who, my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in this frightful place, so far from home? What has brought you to follow us?
Hardcastle
Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits? So far from home, when you are within forty yards of your own door! To him. This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you! To her. Don’t you know the gate, and the mulberry tree; and don’t you remember the horsepond, my dear?
Mrs. Hardcastle
Yes, I shall remember the horsepond as long as I live; I have caught my death in it. To Tony. And it is to you, you graceless varlet, I owe all this? I’ll teach you to abuse your mother, I will.
Tony
Ecod, mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and so you may take the fruits on’t.
Mrs. Hardcastle
I’ll spoil you, I will.
Follows him off the stage. Exit.
Hardcastle
There’s morality, however, in his reply.
Exit.
Enter Hastings and Miss Neville.
Hastings
My dear Constance, why will you deliberate thus? If we delay a moment, all is lost forever. Pluck up a little resolution, and we shall soon be out of the reach of her malignity.
Miss Neville
I find it impossible. My spirits are so sunk with the agitations I have suffered, that I am unable to face any new danger. Two or three years’ patience will at last crown us with happiness.
Hastings
Such a tedious delay is worse than inconstancy. Let us fly, my charmer. Let us date our happiness from this very moment. Perish fortune! Love and content will increase what we possess beyond a monarch’s revenue. Let me prevail!
Miss Neville
No, Mr. Hastings, no. Prudence once more comes to my relief, and I will obey its dictates. In the moment of passion fortune may be despised, but it ever produces a lasting repentance. I’m resolved to apply to Mr. Hardcastle’s compassion and justice for redress.
Hastings
But though he had the will, he has not the power to relieve you.
Miss Neville
But he has influence, and upon that I am resolved to rely.
Hastings
I have no hopes. But since you persist, I must reluctantly obey you.
Exeunt.