III + 

A Merry Evening with a Distant Relative + 

I was not so unreasonable as to be prejudiced against the dukeтАЩs keeper because he disliked my complexion; and if I had been, his most civil and obliging conduct (as it seemed to me to be) next morning would have disarmed me. Hearing that I was bound for Strelsau, he came to see me while I was breakfasting, and told me that a sister of his who had married a well-to-do tradesman and lived in the capital, had invited him to occupy a room in her house. He had gladly accepted, but now found that his duties would not permit of his absence. He begged therefore that, if such humble (though, as he added, clean and comfortable) lodgings would satisfy me, I would take his place. He pledged his sisterтАЩs acquiescence, and urged the inconvenience and crowding to which I should be subject in my journeys to and from Strelsau the next day. I accepted his offer without a momentтАЩs hesitation, and he went off to telegraph to his sister, while I packed up and prepared to take the next train. But I still hankered after the forest and the hunting lodge, and when my little maid told me that I could, by walking ten miles or so through the forest, hit the railway at a roadside station, I decided to send my luggage direct to the address which Johann had given, take my walk, and follow to Strelsau myself. Johann had gone off and was not aware of the change in my plans; but, as its only effect was to delay my arrival at his sisterтАЩs for a few hours, there was no reason for troubling to inform him of it. Doubtless the good lady would waste no anxiety on my account. + 

I took an early luncheon, and, having bidden my kind entertainers farewell, promising to return to them on my way home, I set out to climb the hill that led to the castle, and thence to the forest of Zenda. Half an hourтАЩs leisurely walking brought me to the castle. It had been a fortress in old days, and the ancient keep was still in good preservation and very imposing. Behind it stood another portion of the original castle, and behind that again, and separated from it by a deep and broad moat, which ran all round the old buildings, was a handsome modern ch├вteau, erected by the last king, and now forming the country residence of the Duke of Strelsau. The old and the new portions were connected by a drawbridge, and this indirect mode of access formed the only passage between the old building and the outer world; but leading to the modern ch├вteau there was a broad and handsome avenue. It was an ideal residence: when тАЬBlack MichaelтАЭ desired company, he could dwell in his ch├вteau; if a fit of misanthropy seized him, he had merely to cross the bridge and draw it up after him (it ran on rollers), and nothing short of a regiment and a train of artillery could fetch him out. I went on my way, glad that poor Black Michael, though he could not have the throne or the princess, had, at least, as fine a residence as any prince in Europe. + 

Soon I entered the forest, and walked on for an hour or more in its cool sombre shade. The great trees enlaced with one another over my head, and the sunshine stole through in patches as bright as diamonds, and hardly bigger. I was enchanted with the place, and, finding a felled tree trunk, propped my back against it, and stretching my legs out gave myself up to undisturbed contemplation of the solemn beauty of the woods and to the comfort of a good cigar. And when the cigar was finished and I had (I suppose) inhaled as much beauty as I could, I went off into the most delightful sleep, regardless of my train to Strelsau and of the fast-waning afternoon. To remember a train in such a spot would have been rank sacrilege. Instead of that, I fell to dreaming that I was married to the Princess Flavia and dwelt in the Castle of Zenda, and beguiled whole days with my love in the glades of the forestтБатАФwhich made a very pleasant dream. In fact, I was just impressing a fervent kiss on the charming lips of the princess, when I heard (and the voice seemed at first a part of the dream) someone exclaim, in rough strident tones: + 

тАЬWhy, the devilтАЩs in it! Shave him, and heтАЩd be the king!тАЭ + 

The idea seemed whimsical enough for a dream: by the sacrifice of my heavy moustache and carefully pointed imperial, I was to be transformed into a monarch! I was about to kiss the princess again, when I arrived (very reluctantly) at the conclusion that I was awake. + 

I opened my eyes, and found two men regarding me with much curiosity. Both wore shooting costumes and carried guns. One was rather short and very stoutly built, with a big bullet-shaped head, a bristly grey moustache, and small pale-blue eyes, a trifle bloodshot. The other was a slender young fellow, of middle height, dark in complexion, and bearing himself with grace and distinction. I set the one down as an old soldier; the other for a gentleman accustomed to move in good society, but not unused to military life either. It turned out afterwards that my guess was a good one. + 

The elder man approached me, beckoning the younger to follow. He did so, courteously raising his hat. I rose slowly to my feet. + 

тАЬHeтАЩs the height, too!тАЭ I heard the elder murmur, as he surveyed my six feet two inches of stature. Then, with a cavalier touch of the cap, he addressed me: + 

тАЬMay I ask your name?тАЭ + 

тАЬAs you have taken the first step in the acquaintance, gentlemen,тАЭ said I, with a smile, тАЬsuppose you give me a lead in the matter of names.тАЭ + 

The young man stepped forward with a pleasant smile. + 

тАЬThis,тАЭ said he, тАЬis Colonel Sapt, and I am called Fritz von Tarlenheim; we are both in the service of the King of Ruritania.тАЭ + 

I bowed and, baring my head, answered: + 

тАЬI am Rudolf Rassendyll. I am a traveller from England; and once for a year or two I held a commission from her Majesty the Queen.тАЭ + 

тАЬThen we are all brethren of the sword,тАЭ answered Tarlenheim, holding out his hand, which I took readily. + 

тАЬRassendyll, Rassendyll!тАЭ muttered Colonel Sapt; then a gleam of intelligence flitted across his face. + 

тАЬBy Heaven!тАЭ he cried, тАЬyouтАЩre of the Burlesdons?тАЭ + 

тАЬMy brother is now Lord Burlesdon,тАЭ said I. + 

тАЬThy head betrayeth thee,тАЭ he chuckled, pointing to my uncovered poll. тАЬWhy, Fritz, you know the story?тАЭ + 

The young man glanced apologetically at me. He felt a delicacy which my sister-in-law would have admired. To put him at his ease, I remarked with a smile: + 

тАЬAh! the story is known here as well as among us, it seems.тАЭ + 

тАЬKnown!тАЭ cried Sapt. тАЬIf you stay here, the deuce a man in all Ruritania will doubt of itтБатАФor a woman either.тАЭ + 

I began to feel uncomfortable. Had I realized what a very plainly written pedigree I carried about with me, I should have thought long before I visited Ruritania. However, I was in for it now. + 

At this moment a ringing voice sounded from the wood behind us: + 

тАЬFritz, Fritz! where are you, man?тАЭ + 

Tarlenheim started, and said hastily: + 

тАЬItтАЩs the king!тАЭ + 

Old Sapt chuckled again. + 

Then a young man jumped out from behind the trunk of a tree and stood beside us. As I looked at him, I uttered an astonished cry; and he, seeing me, drew back in sudden wonder. Saving the hair on my face and a manner of conscious dignity which his position gave him, saving also that he lacked perhaps half an inchтБатАФnay, less than that, but still somethingтБатАФof my height, the King of Ruritania might have been Rudolf Rassendyll, and I, Rudolf, the King. + 

For an instant we stood motionless, looking at one another. Then I bared my head again and bowed respectfully. The king found his voice, and asked in bewilderment: + 

тАЬColonelтБатАФFritzтБатАФwho is this gentleman?тАЭ + 

I was about to answer, when Colonel Sapt stepped between the king and me, and began to talk to his Majesty in a low growl. The king towered over Sapt, and, as he listened, his eyes now and again sought mine. I looked at him long and carefully. The likeness was certainly astonishing, though I saw the points of difference also. The kingтАЩs face was slightly more fleshy than mine, the oval of its contour the least trifle more pronounced, and, as I fancied, his mouth lacking something of the firmness (or obstinacy) which was to be gathered from my close-shutting lips. But, for all that, and above all minor distinctions, the likeness rose striking, salient, wonderful. + 

Sapt ceased speaking, and the king still frowned. Then, gradually, the corners of his mouth began to twitch, his nose came down (as mine does when I laugh), his eyes twinkled, and, behold! he burst into the merriest fit of irrepressible laughter, which rang through the woods and proclaimed him a jovial soul. + 

тАЬWell met, cousin!тАЭ he cried, stepping up to me, clapping me on the back, and laughing still. тАЬYou must forgive me if I was taken aback. A man doesnтАЩt expect to see double at this time of day, eh, Fritz?тАЭ + 

тАЬI must pray pardon, sire, for my presumption,тАЭ said I. тАЬI trust it will not forfeit your MajestyтАЩs favour.тАЭ + 

тАЬBy Heaven! youтАЩll always enjoy the kingтАЩs countenance,тАЭ he laughed, тАЬwhether I like it or not; and, sir, I shall very gladly add to it what services I can. Where are you travelling to?тАЭ + 

тАЬTo Strelsau, sireтБатАФto the coronation.тАЭ + 

The king looked at his friends: he still smiled, though his expression hinted some uneasiness. But the humorous side of the matter caught him again. + 

тАЬFritz, Fritz!тАЭ he cried, тАЬa thousand crowns for a sight of brother MichaelтАЩs face when he sees a pair of us!тАЭ and the merry laugh rang out again. + 

тАЬSeriously,тАЭ observed Fritz von Tarlenheim, тАЬI question Mr.┬аRassendyllтАЩs wisdom in visiting Strelsau just now.тАЭ + 

The king lit a cigarette. + 

тАЬWell, Sapt?тАЭ said he, questioningly. + 

тАЬHe mustnтАЩt go,тАЭ growled the old fellow. + 

тАЬCome, colonel, you mean that I should be in Mr.┬аRassendyllтАЩs debt, ifтБатАФтАЭ + 

тАЬOh, aye! wrap it up in the right way,тАЭ said Sapt, hauling a great pipe out of his pocket. + 

тАЬEnough, sire,тАЭ said I. тАЬIтАЩll leave Ruritania today.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, by thunder, you shanтАЩtтБатАФand thatтАЩs sans phrase, as Sapt likes it. For you shall dine with me tonight, happen what will afterwards. Come, man, you donтАЩt meet a new relation every day!тАЭ + 

тАЬWe dine sparingly tonight,тАЭ said Fritz von Tarlenheim. + 

тАЬNot weтБатАФwith our new cousin for a guest!тАЭ cried the king; and, as Fritz shrugged his shoulders, he added: тАЬOh! IтАЩll remember our early start, Fritz.тАЭ + 

тАЬSo will IтБатАФtomorrow morning,тАЭ said old Sapt, pulling at his pipe. + 

тАЬOh, wise old Sapt!тАЭ cried the king. тАЬCome, Mr.┬аRassendyllтБатАФby the way, what name did they give you?тАЭ + 

тАЬYour MajestyтАЩs,тАЭ I answered, bowing. + 

тАЬWell, that shows they werenтАЩt ashamed of us,тАЭ he laughed. тАЬCome, then, cousin Rudolf; IтАЩve got no house of my own here, but my dear brother Michael lends us a place of his, and weтАЩll make shift to entertain you there;тАЭ and he put his arm through mine and, signing to the others to accompany us, walked me off, westerly, through the forest. + 

We walked for more than half an hour, and the king smoked cigarettes and chattered incessantly. He was full of interest in my family, laughed heartily when I told him of the portraits with Elphberg hair in our galleries, and yet more heartily when he heard that my expedition to Ruritania was a secret one. + 

тАЬYou have to visit your disreputable cousin on the sly, have you?тАЭ said he. + 

Suddenly emerging from the wood, we came on a small and rude hunting lodge. It was a one-storey building, a sort of bungalow, built entirely of wood. As we approached it, a little man in a plain livery came out to meet us. The only other person I saw about the place was a fat elderly woman, whom I afterwards discovered to be the mother of Johann, the dukeтАЩs keeper. + 

тАЬWell, is dinner ready, Josef?тАЭ asked the king. + 

The little servant informed us that it was, and we soon sat down to a plentiful meal. The fare was plain enough: the king ate heartily, Fritz von Tarlenheim delicately, old Sapt voraciously. I played a good knife and fork, as my custom is; the king noticed my performance with approval. + 

тАЬWeтАЩre all good trenchermen, we Elphbergs,тАЭ said he. тАЬBut what?тБатАФweтАЩre eating dry! Wine, Josef! wine, man! Are we beasts, to eat without drinking? Are we cattle, Josef?тАЭ + 

At this reproof Josef hastened to load the table with bottles. + 

тАЬRemember tomorrow!тАЭ said Fritz. + 

тАЬAyeтБатАФtomorrow!тАЭ said old Sapt. + 

The king drained a bumper to his тАЬCousin Rudolf,тАЭ as he was graciousтБатАФor merryтБатАФenough to call me; and I drank its fellow to the тАЬElphberg Red,тАЭ whereat he laughed loudly. + 

Now, be the meat what it might, the wine we drank was beyond all price or praise, and we did it justice. Fritz ventured once to stay the kingтАЩs hand. + 

тАЬWhat?тАЭ cried the king. тАЬRemember you start before I do, Master FritzтБатАФyou must be more sparing by two hours than I.тАЭ + 

Fritz saw that I did not understand. + 

тАЬThe colonel and I,тАЭ he explained, тАЬleave here at six; we ride down to Zenda and return with the guard of honour to fetch the king at eight, and then we all ride together to the station.тАЭ + 

тАЬHang that same guard!тАЭ growled Sapt. + 

тАЬOh! itтАЩs very civil of my brother to ask the honour for his regiment,тАЭ said the king. тАЬCome, cousin, you need not start early. Another bottle, man!тАЭ + 

I had another bottleтБатАФor, rather, a part of one, for the larger half travelled quickly down his MajestyтАЩs throat. Fritz gave up his attempts at persuasion: from persuading, he fell to being persuaded, and soon we were all of us as full of wine as we had any right to be. The king began talking of what he would do in the future, old Sapt of what he had done in the past, Fritz of some beautiful girl or other, and I of the wonderful merits of the Elphberg dynasty. We all talked at once, and followed to the letter SaptтАЩs exhortation to let the morrow take care of itself. + 

At last the king set down his glass and leant back in his chair. + 

тАЬI have drunk enough,тАЭ said he. + 

тАЬFar be it from me to contradict the king,тАЭ said I. + 

Indeed, his remark was most absolutely trueтБатАФso far as it went. + 

While I yet spoke, Josef came and set before the king a marvellous old wicker-covered flagon. It had lain so long in some darkened cellar that it seemed to blink in the candlelight. + 

тАЬHis Highness the Duke of Strelsau bade me set this wine before the king, when the king was weary of all other wines, and pray the king to drink, for the love that he bears his brother.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell done, Black Michael!тАЭ said the king. тАЬOut with the cork, Josef. Hang him! Did he think IтАЩd flinch from his bottle?тАЭ + 

The bottle was opened, and Josef filled the kingтАЩs glass. The king tasted it. Then, with a solemnity born of the hour and his own condition, he looked round on us: + 

тАЬGentlemen, my friendsтБатАФRudolf, my cousin (тАЩtis a scandalous story, Rudolf, on my honour!), everything is yours to the half of Ruritania. But ask me not for a single drop of this divine bottle, which I will drink to the health of thatтБатАФthat sly knave, my brother, Black Michael.тАЭ + 

And the king seized the bottle and turned it over his mouth, and drained it and flung it from him, and laid his head on his arms on the table. + 

And we drank pleasant dreams to his MajestyтБатАФand that is all I remember of the evening. Perhaps it is enough. + 