XX + 

However, as both Roberta and Clyde soon found, after several weeks in which they met here and there, such spots as could be conveniently reached by interurban lines, there were still drawbacks and the principal of these related to the attitude of both Roberta and Clyde in regard to this room, and what, if any, use of it was to be made by them jointly. For in spite of the fact that thus far Clyde had never openly agreed with himself that his intentions in relation to Roberta were in any way different to those normally entertained by any youth toward any girl for whom he had a conventional social regard, still, now that she had moved into this room, there was that ineradicable and possibly censurable, yet very human and almost unescapable, desire for something moreвБ†вАФthe possibility of greater and greater intimacy with and control of Roberta and her thoughts and actions in everything so that in the end she would be entirely his. But how his? By way of marriage and the ordinary conventional and durable existence which thereafter must ordinarily ensue? He had never said so to himself thus far. For in flirting with her or any girl of a lesser social position than that of the Griffiths here (Sondra Finchley, Bertine Cranston, for instance) he would notвБ†вАФand that largely due to the attitude of his newly-found relatives, their very high position in this cityвБ†вАФhave deemed marriage advisable. And what would they think if they should come to know? For socially, as he saw himself now, if not before coming here, he was supposed to be above the type of Roberta and should of course profit by that notion. Besides there were all those that knew him here, at least to speak to. On the other hand, because of the very marked pull that her temperament had for him, he had not been able to say for the time being that she was not worthy of him or that he might not be happy in case it were possible or advisable for him to marry her. + 

And there was another thing now that tended to complicate matters. And that was that fall with its chilling winds and frosty nights was drawing near. Already it was near October first and most of those out-of-door resorts which, up to the middle of September at least, had provided diversion, and that at a fairly safe distance from Lycurgus, were already closed for the season. And dancing, except in the halls of the nearby cities and which, because of a mood of hers in regard to them, were unacceptable, was also for the time being done away with. As for the churches, moving pictures, and restaurants of Lycurgus, how under the circumstances, owing to ClydeвАЩs position here, could they be seen in them? They could not, as both reasoned between them. And so now, while her movements were unrestrained, there was no place to go unless by some readjustment of their relations he might be permitted to call on her at the GilpinsвАЩ. But that, as he knew, she would not think of and, at first, neither had he the courage to suggest it. + 

However they were at a street-end one early October night about six weeks after she had moved to her new room. The stars were sharp. The air cool. The leaves were beginning to turn. Roberta had returned to a three-quarter green-and-cream-striped winter coat that she wore at this season of the year. Her hat was brown, trimmed with brown leather and of a design that became her. There had been kisses over and overвБ†вАФthat same fever that had been dominating them continuously since first they metвБ†вАФonly more pronounced if anything. + 

вАЬItвАЩs getting cold, isnвАЩt it?вАЭ It was Clyde who spoke. And it was eleven oвАЩclock and chill. + 

вАЬYes, I should say it is. IвАЩll soon have to get a heavier coat.вАЭ + 

вАЬI donвАЩt see how we are to do from now on, do you? ThereвАЩs no place to go any more much, and it wonвАЩt be very pleasant walking the streets this way every night. You donвАЩt suppose we could fix it so I could call on you at the GilpinsвАЩ once in a while, do you? It isnвАЩt the same there now as it was at the NewtonsвАЩ.вАЭ + 

вАЬOh, I know, but then they use their sitting room every night nearly until ten-thirty or eleven. And besides their two girls are in and out all hours up to twelve, anyhow, and theyвАЩre in there often. I donвАЩt see how I can. Besides, I thought you said you didnвАЩt want to have anyone see you with me that way, and if you came there I couldnвАЩt help introducing you.вАЭ + 

вАЬOh, but I donвАЩt mean just that way,вАЭ replied Clyde audaciously and yet with the feeling that Roberta was much too squeamish and that it was high time she was taking a somewhat more liberal attitude toward him if she cared for him as much as she appeared to: вАЬWhy wouldnвАЩt it be all right for me to stop in for a little while? They wouldnвАЩt need to know, would they?вАЭ He took out his watch and discovered with the aid of a match that it was eleven-thirty. He showed the time to her. вАЬThere wouldnвАЩt be anybody there now, would there?вАЭ + 

She shook her head in opposition. The thought not only terrified but sickened her. Clyde was getting very bold to even suggest anything like that. Besides this suggestion embodied in itself all the secret fears and compelling moods which hitherto, although actual in herself, she was still unwilling to face. There was something sinful, low, dreadful about it. She would not. That was one thing sure. At the same time within her was that overmastering urge of repressed and feared desire now knocking loudly for recognition. + 

вАЬNo, no, I canвАЩt let you do that. It wouldnвАЩt be right. I donвАЩt want to. Someone might see us. Somebody might know you.вАЭ For the moment the moral repulsion was so great that unconsciously she endeavored to relinquish herself from his embrace. + 

Clyde sensed how deep was this sudden revolt. All the more was he flagellated by the desire for possession of that which now he half feared to be unobtainable. A dozen seductive excuses sprang to his lips. вАЬOh, who would be likely to see us anyhow, at this time of night? There isnвАЩt anyone around. Why shouldnвАЩt we go there for a few moments if we want to? No one would be likely to hear us. We neednвАЩt talk so loud. There isnвАЩt anyone on the street, even. LetвАЩs walk by the house and see if anybody is up.вАЭ + 

Since hitherto she had not permitted him to come within half a block of the house, her protest was not only nervous but vigorous. Nevertheless on this occasion Clyde was proving a little rebellious and Roberta, standing somewhat in awe of him as her superior, as well as her lover, was unable to prevent their walking within a few feet of the house where they stopped. Except for a barking dog there was not a sound to be heard anywhere. And in the house no light was visible. + 

вАЬSee, thereвАЩs no one up,вАЭ protested Clyde reassuringly. вАЬWhy shouldnвАЩt we go in for a little while if we want to? Who will know? We neednвАЩt make any noise. Besides, what is wrong with it? Other people do it. It isnвАЩt such a terrible thing for a girl to take a fellow to her room if she wants to for a little while.вАЭ + 

вАЬOh, isnвАЩt it? Well, maybe not in your set. But I know whatвАЩs right and I donвАЩt think thatвАЩs right and I wonвАЩt do it.вАЭ + 

At once, as she said this, RobertaвАЩs heart gave a pained and weakening throb, for in saying so much she had exhibited more individuality and defiance than ever he had seen or that she fancied herself capable of in connection with him. It terrified her not a little. Perhaps he would not like her so much now if she were going to talk like that. + 

His mood darkened immediately. Why did she want to act so? She was too cautious, too afraid of anything that spelled a little life or pleasure. Other girls were not like thatвБ†вАФRita, those girls at the factory. She pretended to love him. She did not object to his holding her in his arms and kissing her under a tree at the end of the street. But when it came to anything slightly more private or intimate, she could not bring herself to agree. What kind of a girl was she, anyhow? What was the use of pursuing her? Was this to be another case of Hortense Briggs with all her wiles and evasions? Of course Roberta was in no wise like her, but still she was so stubborn. + 

Although she could not see his face she knew he was angry and quite for the first time in this way. + 

вАЬAll right, then, if you donвАЩt want to, you donвАЩt have to,вАЭ came his words and with decidedly a cold ring to them. вАЬThere are others places I can go. I notice you never want to do anything I want to do, though. IвАЩd like to know how you think weвАЩre to do. We canвАЩt walk the streets every night.вАЭ His tone was gloomy and forebodingвБ†вАФmore contentious and bitter than at any time ever between them. And his references to other places shocked and frightened RobertaвБ†вАФso much so that instantly almost her own mood changed. Those other girls in his own world that no doubt he saw from time to time! Those other girls at the factory who were always trying to make eyes at him! She had seen them trying, and often. That Ruza NikoforitchвБ†вАФas coarse as she was, but pretty, too. And that Flora Brandt! And Martha BordaloueвБ†вАФugh! To think that anyone as nice as he should be pursued by such wretches as those. However, because of that, she was fearful lest he would think her too difficultвБ†вАФsomeone without the experience or daring to which he, in his superior world, was accustomed, and so turn to one of those. Then she would lose him. The thought terrified her. Immediately from one of defiance her attitude changed to one of pleading persuasion. + 

вАЬOh, please, Clyde, donвАЩt be mad with me now, will you? You know that I would if I could. I canвАЩt do anything like that here. CanвАЩt you see? You know that. Why, theyвАЩd be sure to find out. And how would you feel if someone were to see us or recognize you?вАЭ In a pleading way she put one hand on his arm, then about his waist and he could feel that in spite of her sharp opposition the moment before, she was very much concernedвБ†вАФpainfully so. вАЬPlease donвАЩt ask me to,вАЭ she added in a begging tone. + 

вАЬWell, what did you want to leave the Newtons for then?вАЭ he asked sullenly. вАЬI canвАЩt see where else we can go now if you wonвАЩt let me come to see you once in a while. We canвАЩt go any place else.вАЭ + 

The thought gave Roberta pause. Plainly this relationship was not to be held within conventional lines. At the same time she did not see how she could possibly comply. It was too unconventionalвБ†вАФtoo unmoralвБ†вАФbad. + 

вАЬI thought we took it,вАЭ she said weakly and placatively, вАЬjust so that we could go places on Saturday and Sunday.вАЭ + 

вАЬBut where can we go Saturday and Sunday now? EverythingвАЩs closed.вАЭ + 

Again Roberta was checked by these unanswerable complexities which beleaguered them both and she exclaimed futilely, вАЬOh, I wish I knew what to do.вАЭ + 

вАЬOh, it would be easy enough if you wanted to do it, but thatвАЩs always the way with you, you donвАЩt want to.вАЭ + 

She stood there, the night wind shaking the drying whispering leaves. Distinctly the problem in connection with him that she had been fearing this long while was upon her. Could she possibly, with all the right instruction that she had had, now do as he suggested. She was pulled and swayed by contending forces within herself, strong and urgent in either case. In the one instance, however painful it was to her moral and social mood, she was moved to complyвБ†вАФin another to reject once and for all, any such, as she saw it, bold and unnatural suggestion. Nevertheless, in spite of the latter and because of her compelling affection she could not do other than deal tenderly and pleadingly with him. + 

вАЬI canвАЩt, Clyde, I canвАЩt. I would if I could but I canвАЩt. It wouldnвАЩt be right. I would if I could make myself, but I canвАЩt.вАЭ She looked up into his face, a pale oval in the dark, trying to see if he would not see, sympathize, be moved in her favor. However, irritated by this plainly definite refusal, he was not now to be moved. All this, as he saw it, smacked of that long series of defeats which had accompanied his attentions to Hortense Briggs. He was not going to stand for anything now like that, you bet. If this was the way she was going to act, well let her act soвБ†вАФbut not with him. He could get plenty of girls nowвБ†вАФlots of themвБ†вАФwho would treat him better than this. + 

At once, and with an irritated shrug of the shoulders, as she now saw, he turned and started to leave her, saying as he did so, вАЬOh, thatвАЩs all right, if thatвАЩs the way you feel about it.вАЭ And Roberta dumbfounded and terrified, stood there. + 

вАЬPlease donвАЩt, go, Clyde. Please donвАЩt leave me,вАЭ she exclaimed suddenly and pathetically, her defiance and courage undergoing a deep and sad change. вАЬI donвАЩt want you to. I love you so, Clyde. I would if I could. You know that.вАЭ + 

вАЬOh, yes, I know, but you neednвАЩt tell me thatвАЭ (it was his experience with Hortense and Rita that was prompting him to this attitude). With a twist he released his body from her arm and started walking briskly down the street in the dark. + 

And Roberta, stricken by this sudden development which was so painful to both, called, вАЬClyde!вАЭ And then ran after him a little way, eager that he should pause and let her plead with him more. But he did not return. Instead he went briskly on. And for the moment it was all she could do to keep from following him and by sheer force, if need be, restrain him. Her Clyde! And she started running in his direction a little, but as suddenly stopped, checked for the moment by the begging, pleading, compromising attitude in which she, for the first time, found herself. For on the one hand all her conventional training was now urging her to stand firmвБ†вАФnot to belittle herself in this wayвБ†вАФwhereas on the other, all her desires for love, understanding, companionship, urged her to run after him before it was too late, and he was gone. His beautiful face, his beautiful hands. His eyes. And still the receding echo of his feet. And yet so binding were the conventions which had been urged upon her up to this time that, though suffering horribly, a balance between the two forces was struck, and she paused, feeling that she could neither go forward nor stand stillвБ†вАФunderstand or endure this sudden rift in their wonderful friendship. + 

Pain constricted her heart and whitened her lips. She stood there numb and silentвБ†вАФunable to voice anything, even the name Clyde which persistently arose as a call in her throat. Instead she was merely thinking, вАЬOh, Clyde, please donвАЩt go, Clyde. Oh, please donвАЩt go.вАЭ And he was already out of hearing, walking briskly and grimly on, the click and echo of his receding steps falling less and less clearly on her suffering ears. + 

It was the first flashing, blinding, bleeding stab of love for her. + 