XLII
Two letters, which arrived at this time and simultaneously, but accentuated the difficulty of all this.
How is my pheet phing? All whytie? ItвАЩs just glorious up here. Lots of people already here and more coming every day. The Casino and golf course over at Pine Point are open and lots of people about. I can hear Stuart and Grant with their launches going up toward GrayвАЩs Inlet now. You must hurry and come up, dear. ItвАЩs too nice for words. Green roads to gallop through, and swimming and dancing at the Casino every afternoon at four. Just back from a wonderful gallop on Dickey and going again after luncheon to mail these letters. Bertine says sheвАЩll write you a letter today or tomorrow good for any weekend or any old time, so when Sonda says come, you come, you hear, else Sonda whip hard. You baddie, good boy.
Is he working hard in the baddie old factory? Sonda wisses he was here wiss her instead. WeвАЩd ride and drive and swim and dance. DonвАЩt forget your tennis racquet and golf clubs. ThereвАЩs a dandy course on the Casino grounds.
This morning when I was riding a bird flew right up under DickeyвАЩs heels. It scared him so that he bolted, and Sonda got all switched and scwatched. IsnвАЩt Clydie sorry for his Sonda?
She is writing lots of notes today. After lunch and the ride to catch the down mail, Sonda and Bertine and Nina going to the Casino. DonвАЩt you wish you were going to be there? We could dance to вАЬTaudy.вАЭ Sonda just loves that song. But she has to dress now. More tomorrow, baddie boy. And when Bertine writes, answer right away. See all вАЩose dots? Kisses. Big and little ones. All for baddie boy. And wite Sonda every day and sheвАЩll write вАЩoo.
More kisses.
To which Clyde responded eagerly and in kind in the same hour. But almost the same mail, at least the same day, brought the following letter from Roberta.
I am nearly ready for bed, but I will write you a few lines. I had such a tiresome journey coming up that I was nearly sick. In the first place I didnвАЩt want to come much (alone) as you know. I feel too upset and uncertain about everything, although I try not to feel so now that we have our plan and you are going to come for me as you said.
(At this point, while nearly sickened by the thought of the wretched country world in which she lived, still, because of RobertaвАЩs unfortunate and unavoidable relation to it, he now experienced one of his old time twinges of remorse and pity in regard to her. For after all, this was not her fault. She had so little to look forward toвБ†вАФnothing but her work or a commonplace marriage. For the first time in many days, really, and in the absence of both, he was able to think clearlyвБ†вАФand to sympathize deeply, if gloomily. For the remainder of the letter read):
But itвАЩs very nice here now. The trees are so beautifully green and the flowers in bloom. I can hear the bees in the orchard whenever I go near the south windows. On the way up instead of coming straight home I decided to stop at Homer to see my sister and brother-in-law, since I am not so sure now when I shall see them again, if ever, for I am resolved that they shall see me respectable, or never at all any more. You mustnвАЩt think I mean anything hard or mean by this. I am just sad. They have such a cute little home there, ClydeвБ†вАФpretty furniture, a victrola and all, and Agnes is so very happy with Fred. I hope she always will be. I couldnвАЩt help thinking of what a dear place we might have had, if only my dreams had come true. And nearly all the time I was there Fred kept teasing me as to why I donвАЩt get married, until I said, вАЬOh, well, Fred, you mustnвАЩt be too sure that I wonвАЩt one of these days. All good things come to him who waits, you know.вАЭ вАЬYes, unless you just turn out to be a waiter,вАЭ was the way he hit me back.
But I was truly glad to see mother again, Clyde. SheвАЩs so loving and patient and helpful. The sweetest, dearest mother that ever, ever was. And I just hate to hurt her in any way. And Tom and Emily, too. They have had friends here every evening since IвАЩve been hereвБ†вАФand they want me to join in, but I hardly feel well enough now to do all the things they want me to doвБ†вАФplay cards and gamesвБ†вАФdance.
(At this point Clyde could not help emphasizing in his own mind the shabby home world of which she was a part and which so recently he had seenвБ†вАФthat rickety house! those toppling chimneys! Her uncouth father. And that in contrast to such a letter as this other from Sondra.)
Father and mother and Tom and Emily just seem to hang around and try to do things for me. And I feel remorseful when I think how they would feel if they knew, for, of course, I have to pretend that it is work that makes me feel so tired and depressed as I am sometimes. Mother keeps saying that I must stay a long time or quit entirely and rest and get well again, but she just donвАЩt know of courseвБ†вАФpoor dear. If she did! I canвАЩt tell you how that makes me feel sometimes, Clyde. Oh, dear!
But there, I mustnвАЩt put my sad feelings over on you either. I donвАЩt want to, as I told you, if you will only come and get me as weвАЩve agreed. And I wonвАЩt be like that either, Clyde. IвАЩm not that way all the time now. IвАЩve started to get ready and do all the things itвАЩll take to do in three weeks and thatвАЩs enough to keep my mind off everything but work. But you will come for me, wonвАЩt you, dear? You wonвАЩt disappoint me any more and make me suffer this time like you have so far, for, oh, how long it has been nowвБ†вАФever since I was here before at Christmas time, really. But you were truly nice to me. I promise not to be a burden on you, for I know you donвАЩt really care for me any more and so I donвАЩt care much what happens now, so long as I get out of this. But I truly promise not to be a burden on you.
Oh, dear, donвАЩt mind this blot. I just donвАЩt seem to be able to control myself these days like I once could.
But as for what I came for. The family think they are clothes for a party down in Lycurgus and that I must be having a wonderful time. Well, itвАЩs better that way than the other. I may have to come as far as Fonda to get some things, if I donвАЩt send Mrs.¬†Anse, the dressmaker, and if so, and if you wanted to see me again before you come, although I donвАЩt suppose you do, you could. IвАЩd like to see you and talk to you again if you care to, before we start. It all seems so funny to me, Clyde, having these clothes made and wishing to see you so much and yet knowing that you would rather not do this. And yet I hope you are satisfied now that you have succeeded in making me leave Lycurgus and come up here and are having what you call a good time. Are they so very much better than the ones we used to have last summer when we went about to the lakes and everywhere? But whatever they are, Clyde, surely you can afford to do this for me without feeling too bad. I know it seems hard to you now, but you donвАЩt want to forget either that if I was like some that I know, I might and would ask more. But as I told you IвАЩm not like that and never could be. If you donвАЩt really want me after you have helped me out like I said, you can go.
Please write me, Clyde, a long, cheery letter, even though you donвАЩt want to, and tell me all about how you have not thought of me once since IвАЩve been away or missed me at allвБ†вАФyou used to, you know, and how you donвАЩt want me to come back and you canвАЩt possibly come up before two weeks from Saturday if then.
Oh, dear, I donвАЩt mean the horrid things I write, but IвАЩm so blue and tired and lonely that I canвАЩt help it at times. I need someone to talk toвБ†вАФnot just anyone here, because they donвАЩt understand, and I canвАЩt tell anybody.
But there, I said I wouldnвАЩt be blue or gloomy or cross and yet I havenвАЩt done so very well this time, have I? But I promise to do better next timeвБ†вАФtomorrow or next day, because it relieves me to write to you, Clyde. And wonвАЩt you please write me just a few words to cheer me up while IвАЩm waiting, whether you mean it or not, I need it so. And you will come, of course. IвАЩll be so happy and grateful and try not to bother you too much in any way.
And it was the contrast presented by these two scenes which finally determined for him the fact that he would never marry RobertaвБ†вАФneverвБ†вАФnor even go to her at Biltz, or let her come back to him here, if he could avoid that. For would not his going, or her return, put a period to all the joys that so recently in connection with Sondra had come to him hereвБ†вАФmake it impossible for him to be with Sondra at Twelfth Lake this summerвБ†вАФmake it impossible for him to run away with and marry her? In GodвАЩs name was there no way? No outlet from this horrible difficulty which now confronted him?
And in a fit of despair, having found the letters in his room on his return from work one warm evening in June, he now threw himself upon his bed and fairly groaned. The misery of this! The horror of his almost insoluble problem! Was there no way by which she could be persuaded to go awayвБ†вАФand stayвБ†вАФremain at home, maybe for a while longer, while he sent her ten dollars a week, or twelve, evenвБ†вАФa full half of all his salary? Or could she go to some neighboring townвБ†вАФFonda, Gloversville, SchenectadyвБ†вАФshe was not so far gone but what she could take care of herself well enough as yet, and rent a room and remain there quietly until the fatal time, when she could go to some doctor or nurse? He might help her to find someone like that when the time came, if only she would be willing not to mention his name.
But this business of making him come to Biltz, or meeting her somewhere, and that within two weeks or less. He would not, he would not. He would do something desperate if she tried to make him do thatвБ†вАФrun awayвБ†вАФorвБ†вАФmaybe go up to Twelfth Lake before it should be time for him to go to Biltz, or before she would think it was time, and then persuade Sondra if he couldвБ†вАФbut oh, what a wild, wild chance was thatвБ†вАФto run away with and marry him, even if she wasnвАЩt quite eighteenвБ†вАФand thenвБ†вАФand thenвБ†вАФbeing married, and her family not being able to divorce them, and Roberta not being able to find him, either, but only to complainвБ†вАФwell, couldnвАЩt he deny itвБ†вАФsay that it was not soвБ†вАФthat he had never had any relationship, other than that which any department head might have with any girl working for him. He had not been introduced to the Gilpins, nor had he gone with Roberta to see that Dr.¬†Glenn near Gloversville, and she had told him at the time, she had not mentioned his name.
But the nerve of trying to deny it!
The courage it would take.
The courage to try to face Roberta when, as he knew, her steady, accusing, horrified, innocent, blue eyes would be about as difficult to face as anything in all the world. And could he do that? Had he the courage? And would it all work out satisfactorily if he did? Would Sondra believe himвБ†вАФonce she heard?
But just the same in pursuance of this idea, whether finally he executed it or not, even though he went to Twelfth Lake, he must write Sondra a letter saying that he was coming. And this he did at once, writing her passionately and yearningly. At the same time he decided not to write Roberta at all. Maybe call her on long distance, since she had recently told him that there was a neighbor nearby who had a telephone, and if for any reason he needed to reach her, he could use that. For writing her in regard to all this, even in the most guarded way, would place in her hands, and at this time, exactly the type of evidence in regard to this relationship which she would most need, and especially when he was so determined not to marry her. The trickery of all this! It was low and shabby, no doubt. Yet if only Roberta had agreed to be a little reasonable with him, he would never have dreamed of indulging in any such low and tricky plan as this. But, oh, Sondra! Sondra! And the great estate that she had described, lying along the west shore of Twelfth Lake. How beautiful that must be! He could not help it! He must act and plan as he was doing! He must!
And forthwith he arose and went to mail the letter to Sondra. And then while out, having purchased an evening paper and hoping via the local news of all whom he knew, to divert his mind for the time being, there, upon the first page of the Times-Union of Albany, was an item which read:
Accidental double tragedy at pass lakeвБ†вАФUpturned canoe and floating hats reveal probable loss of two lives at resort near PittsfieldвБ†вАФUnidentified body of girl recoveredвБ†вАФThat of companion still missing
Because of his own great interest in canoeing, and indeed in any form of water life, as well as his own particular skill when it came to rowing, swimming, diving, he now read with interest:
Pancoast, MA, June 7thвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ What proved to be a fatal boat ride for two, apparently, was taken here day before yesterday by an unidentified man and girl who came presumably from Pittsfield to spend the day at Pass Lake, which is fourteen miles north of this place.
Tuesday morning a man and a girl, who said to Thomas Lucas, who conducts the Casino Lunch and Boat House there, that they were from Pittsfield, rented a small rowboat about ten oвАЩclock in the morning and with a basket, presumably containing lunch, departed for the northern end of the lake. At seven oвАЩclock last evening, when they did not return, Mr.¬†Lucas, in company with his son Jeffrey, made a tour of the lake in his motor boat and discovered the rowboat upside down in the shallows near the north shore, but no trace of the occupants. Thinking at the time that it might be another instance of renters having decamped in order to avoid payment, he returned the boat to his own dock.
But this morning, doubtful as to whether or not an accident had occurred, he and his assistant, Fred Walsh, together with his son, made a second tour of the north shore and finally came upon the hats of both the girl and the man floating among some rushes near the shore. At once a dredging party was organized, and by three oвАЩclock today the body of the girl, concerning whom nothing is known here, other than that she came here with her companion, was brought up and turned over to the authorities. That of the man has not yet been found. The water in the immediate vicinity of the accident in some places being over thirty feet deep, it is not certain whether the trolling and dredging will yield the other body or not. In the case of a similar accident which took place here some fifteen years ago, neither body was ever recovered.
To the lining of the small jacket which the girl wore was sewed the tag of a Pittsfield dealer. Also in her shoe lining was stamped the name of Jacobs of this same city. But other than these there was no evidence as to her identity. It is assumed by the authorities here that if she carried a bag of any kind it lies at the bottom of the lake.
The man is recalled as being tall, dark, about thirty-five years of age, and wore a light green suit and straw hat with a white and blue band. The girl appears to be not more than twenty-five, five feet five inches tall, and weighs 130 pounds. She wore her hair, which was long and dark brown, in braids about her forehead. On her left middle finger is a small gold ring with an amethyst setting. The police of Pittsfield and other cities in this vicinity have been notified, but as yet no word as to her identity has been received.
This item, commonplace enough in the usual grist of summer accidents, interested Clyde only slightly. It seemed odd, of course, that a girl and a man should arrive at a small lake anywhere, and setting forth in a small boat in broad daylight thus lose their lives. Also it was odd that afterwards no one should be able to identify either of them. And yet here it was. The man had disappeared for good. He threw the paper down, little concerned at first, and turned to other thingsвБ†вАФthe problem that was confronting him reallyвБ†вАФhow he was to do. But laterвБ†вАФand because of that, and as he was putting out the light before getting into bed, and still thinking of the complicated problem which his own life here presented, he was struck by the thought (what devilвАЩs whisper?вБ†вАФwhat evil hint of an evil spirit?)вБ†вАФsupposing that he and RobertaвБ†вАФno, say he and SondraвБ†вАФ(no, Sondra could swim so well, and so could he)вБ†вАФhe and Roberta were in a small boat somewhere and it should capsize at the very time, say, of this dreadful complication which was so harassing him? What an escape? What a relief from a gigantic and by now really destroying problem! On the other handвБ†вАФholdвБ†вАФnot so fast!вБ†вАФfor could a man even think of such a solution in connection with so difficult a problem as his without committing a crime in his heart, reallyвБ†вАФa horrible, terrible crime? He must not even think of such a thing. It was wrongвБ†вАФwrongвБ†вАФterribly wrong. And yet, supposingвБ†вАФby accident, of courseвБ†вАФsuch a thing as this did occur? That would be the end, then, wouldnвАЩt it, of all his troubles in connection with Roberta? No more terror as to herвБ†вАФno more fear and heartache even as to Sondra. A noiseless, pathless, quarrelless solution of all his present difficulties, and only joy before him forever. Just an accidental, unpremeditated drowningвБ†вАФand then the glorious future which would be his!
But the mere thinking of such a thing in connection with Roberta at this timeвБ†вАФ(why was it that his mind persisted in identifying her with it?) was terrible, and he must not, he must not, allow such a thought to enter his mind. Never, never, never! He must not. It was horrible! Terrible! A thought of murder, no less! Murder?!!! Yet so wrought up had he been, and still was, by the letter which Roberta had written him, as contrasted with the one from SondraвБ†вАФso delightful and enticing was the picture of her life and his as she now described it, that he could not for the life of him quite expel that other and seemingly easy and so natural a solution of all his problemвБ†вАФif only such an accident could occur to him and Roberta. For after all he was not planning any crime, was he? Was he not merely thinking of an accident that, had it occurred or could it but occur in his caseвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ AhвБ†вАФbut that вАЬcould it but occur.вАЭ There was the dark and evil thought about which he must not, He must not think. He must not. And yetвБ†вАФand yetвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ He was an excellent swimmer and could swim ashore, no doubtвБ†вАФwhatever the distance. Whereas Roberta, as he knew from swimming with her at one beach and another the previous summer, could not swim. And thenвБ†вАФand thenвБ†вАФwell and then, unless he chose to help her, of courseвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶
As he thought, and for the time, sitting in the lamplight of his own room between nine-thirty and ten at night, a strange and disturbing creepiness as to flesh and hair and fingertips assailed him. The wonder and the horror of such a thought! And presented to him by this paper in this way. WasnвАЩt that strange? Besides, up in that lake country to which he was now going to Sondra, were many, many lakes about everywhereвБ†вАФwere there not? Scores up there where Sondra was. Or so she had said. And Roberta loved the out-of-doors and the water soвБ†вАФalthough she could not swimвБ†вАФcould not swimвБ†вАФcould not swim. And they or at least he was going where lakes were, or they might, might they notвБ†вАФand if not, why not? since both had talked of some Fourth of July resort in their planning, their final departureвБ†вАФhe and Roberta.
But, no! no! The mere thought of an accident such as that in connection with her, however much he might wish to be rid of herвБ†вАФwas sinful, dark and terrible! He must not let his mind run on any such things for even a moment. It was too wrongвБ†вАФtoo vileвБ†вАФtoo terrible! Oh, dreadful thought! To think it should have come to him! And at this time of all timesвБ†вАФwhen she was demanding that he go away with her!
Death!
Murder!
The murder of Roberta!
But to escape her of courseвБ†вАФthis unreasonable, unshakable, unchangeable demand of hers! Already he was quite cold, quite dampвБ†вАФwith the mere thought of it. And nowвБ†вАФwhenвБ†вАФwhenвБ†вАФ! But he must not think of that! The death of that unborn child, too!!
But how could anyone even think of doing any such thing with calculationвБ†вАФdeliberately? And yetвБ†вАФmany people were drowned like thatвБ†вАФboys and girlsвБ†вАФmen and womenвБ†вАФhere and thereвБ†вАФeverywhere the world over in the summer time. To be sure, he would not want anything like that to happen to Roberta. And especially at this time. He was not that kind of a person, whatever else he was. He was not. He was not. He was not. The mere thought now caused a damp perspiration to form on his hands and face. He was not that kind of a person. Decent, sane people did not think of such things. And so he would not eitherвБ†вАФfrom this hour on.
In a tremulous state of dissatisfaction with himselfвБ†вАФthat any such grisly thought should have dared to obtrude itself upon him in this wayвБ†вАФhe got up and lit the lampвБ†вАФreread this disconcerting item in as cold and reprobative way as he could achieve, feeling that in so doing he was putting anything at which it hinted far from him once and for all. Then, having done so, he dressed and went out of the house for a walkвБ†вАФup Wykeagy Avenue, along Central Avenue, out Oak, and then back on Spruce and to Central againвБ†вАФfeeling that he was walking away from the insinuating thought or suggestion that had so troubled him up to now. And after a time, feeling better, freer, more natural, more human, as he so much wished to feelвБ†вАФhe returned to his room, once more to sleep, with the feeling that he had actually succeeded in eliminating completely a most insidious and horrible visitation. He must never think of it again! He must never think of it again. He must never, never, never think of itвБ†вАФnever.
And then falling into a nervous, feverish doze soon thereafter, he found himself dreaming of a savage black dog that was trying to bite him. Having escaped from the fangs of the creature by waking in terror, he once more fell asleep. But now he was in some very strange and gloomy place, a wood or a cave or narrow canyon between deep hills, from which a path, fairly promising at first, seemed to lead. But soon the path, as he progressed along it, became narrower and narrower and darker, and finally disappeared entirely. And then, turning to see if he could not get back as he had come, there directly behind him were arrayed an entangled mass of snakes that at first looked more like a pile of brush. But above it waved the menacing heads of at least a score of reptiles, forked tongues and agate eyes. And in front now, as he turned swiftly, a horned and savage animalвБ†вАФhuge, it wasвБ†вАФits heavy tread crushing the brushвБ†вАФblocked the path in that direction. And then, horrified and crying out in hopeless desperation, once more he awokeвБ†вАФnot to sleep again that night.