Part + 

I + 

When civil dudgeon first grew high, + 

And men fell out they knew not why; + 

When hard words, jealousies, and fears, + 

Set folks together by the ears, + 

And made them fight, like mad or drunk, + 

For dame Religion as for punk; + 

Whose honesty they all durst swear for, + 

Though not a man of them knew wherefore; + 

When gospel-trumpeter, surrounded + 

With long-ear’d rout, to battle sounded, + 

And pulpit, drum ecclesiastick, + 

Was beat with fist, instead of a stick; + 

Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling, + 

And out he rode a colonelling. + 

A wight he was, whose very sight would + 

Entitle him Mirror of Knighthood; + 

That never bent his stubborn knee + 

To any thing but chivalry; + 

Nor put up blow, but that which laid + 

Right worshipful on shoulder-blade: + 

Chief of domestic knights and errant, + 

Either for cartel or for warrant; + 

Great on the bench, great in the saddle, + 

That could as well bind o’er, as swaddle: + 

Mighty he was at both of these, + 

And styl’d of war, as well as peace. + 

(So some rats, of amphibious nature, + 

Are either for the land or water.) + 

But here our authors make a doubt + 

Whether he were more wise, or stout. + 

Some hold the one, and some the other; + 

But howsoe’er they make a pother, + 

The diff’rence was so small, his brain + 

Outweigh’d his rage but half a grain; + 

Which made some take him for a tool, + 

That knaves do work with, call’d a fool. + 

And offer to lay wagers that + 

As Montaigne, playing with his cat, + 

Complains she thought him but an ass, + 

Much more she would Sir Hudibras; + 

(For that’s the name our valiant Knight + 

To all his challenges did write.) + 

But they’re mistaken very much; + 

’Tis plain enough he was no such. + 

We grant, although he had much wit, + 

H’ was very shy of using it; + 

As being loth to wear it out, + 

And therefore bore it not about; + 

Unless on holy-days, or so, + 

As men their best apparel do. + 

Beside, ’tis known he could speak Greek + 

As naturally as pigs squeak: + 

That Latin was no more difficile, + 

Than to a blackbird ’tis to whistle. + 

Being rich in both, he never scanted + 

His bounty unto such as wanted: + 

But much of either would afford + 

To many, that had not one word. + 

For Hebrew roots, although they’re found + 

To flourish most in barren ground, + 

He had such plenty, as suffic’d + 

To make some think him circumcis’d; + 

And truly so, he was, perhaps, + 

Not as a proselyte, but for claps. + 

He was in logic a great critic, + 

Profoundly skill’d in analytic; + 

He could distinguish, and divide + 

A hair ’twixt south, and south-west side; + 

On either which he would dispute, + 

Confute, change hands, and still confute. + 

He’d undertake to prove, by force + 

Of argument, a man’s no horse; + 

He’d prove a buzzard is no fowl, + 

And that a lord may be an owl, + 

A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, + 

And rooks committee-men and trustees. + 

He’d run in debt by disputation, + 

And pay with ratiocination. + 

All this by syllogism, true + 

In mood and figure he would do. + 

For Rhetoric, he could not ope + 

His mouth, but out there flew a trope: + 

And when he happen’d to break off + 

I’ th’ middle of his speech, or cough, + 

H’ had hard words, ready to show why, + 

And tell what rules he did it by: + 

Else, when with greatest art he spoke, + 

You’d think he talk’d like other folk: + 

For all a rhetorician’s rules + 

Teach nothing but to name his tools. + 

But, when he pleas’d to show’t, his speech, + 

In loftiness of sound was rich; + 

A Babylonish dialect, + 

Which learned pedants much affect. + 

It was a parti-colour’d dress + 

Of patch’d and pie-bald languages; + 

’Twas English cut on Greek and Latin, + 

Like fustian heretofore on satin; + 

It had an odd promiscuous tone, + 

As if h’ had talk’d three parts in one; + 

Which made some think, when he did gabble, + 

Th’ had heard three labourers of Babel; + 

Or Cerberus himself pronounce + 

A leash of languages at once. + 

This he as volubly would vent + 

As if his stock would ne’er be spent; + 

And truly, to support that charge, + 

He had supplies as vast and large: + 

For he could coin, or counterfeit + 

New words, with little or no wit: + 

Words so debas’d and hard, no stone + 

Was hard enough to touch them on: + 

And when with hasty noise he spoke ’em, + 

The ignorant for current took ’em; + 

That had the orator, who once + 

Did fill his mouth with pebble stones + 

When he harangu’d, but known his phrase + 

He would have us’d no other ways. + 

In Mathematicks he was greater + 

Than Tycho Brahe, or Erra Pater: + 

For he, by geometric scale, + 

Could take the size of pots of ale; + 

Resolve, by sines and tangents straight, + 

If bread or butter wanted weight, + 

And wisely tell what hour o’ th’ day + 

The clock does strike, by algebra. + 

Beside, he was a shrewd philosopher, + 

And had read ev’ry text and gloss over + 

Whate’er the crabbed’st author hath, + 

He understood b’ implicit faith: + 

Whatever sceptic could inquire for, + 

For ev’ry why he had a wherefore; + 

Knew more than forty of them do, + 

As far as words and terms could go. + 

All which he understood by rote, + 

And, as occasion serv’d, would quote: + 

No matter whether right or wrong, + 

They might be either said or sung. + 

His notions fitted things so well, + 

That which was which he could not tell; + 

But oftentimes mistook the one + 

For th’ other, as great clerks have done. + 

He could reduce all things to acts, + 

And knew their natures by abstracts; + 

Where entity and quiddity, + 

The ghosts of defunct bodies fly; + 

Where truth in person does appear, + 

Like words congeal’d in northern air. + 

He knew what’s what, and that’s as high + 

As metaphysic wit can fly. + 

In school-divinity as able + 

As he that hight, Irrefragable; + 

A second Thomas, or, at once, + 

To name them all, another Dunce: + 

Profound in all the nominal + 

And real ways, beyond them all; + 

For he a rope of sand could twist + 

As tough as learned Sorbonist; + 

And weave fine cobwebs, fit for skull + 

That’s empty when the moon is full; + 

Such as take lodgings in a head + 

That’s to be let unfurnished. + 

He could raise scruples dark and nice, + 

And after solve ’em in a trice; + 

As if Divinity had catch’d + 

The itch on purpose to be scratch’d; + 

Or, like a mountebank, did wound + 

And stab herself with doubts profound, + 

Only to show with how small pain + 

The sores of Faith are cur’d again; + 

Although by woeful proof we find + 

They always leave a scar behind. + 

He knew the seat of Paradise, + 

Could tell in what degree it lies; + 

And, as he was dispos’d, could prove it, + 

Below the moon, or else above it: + 

What Adam dreamt of, when his bride + 

Came from her closet in his side: + 

Whether the devil tempted her + 

By a High Dutch interpreter; + 

If either of them had a navel: + 

Who first made music malleable: + 

Whether the serpent, at the fall, + 

Had cloven feet, or none at all. + 

All this without a gloss or comment, + 

He could unriddle in a moment, + 

In proper terms, such as men smatter + 

When they throw out, and miss the matter. + 

For his religion, it was fit + 

To match his learning and his wit: + 

’Twas Presbyterian true blue; + 

For he was of that stubborn crew + 

Of errant saints, whom all men grant + 

To be the true church militant; + 

Such as do build their faith upon + 

The holy text of pike and gun; + 

Decide all controversies by + 

Infallible artillery; + 

And prove their doctrine orthodox + 

By apostolic blows and knocks; + 

Call fire and sword and desolation, + 

A godly thorough reformation, + 

Which always must be carried on, + 

And still be doing, never done: + 

As if religion were intended + 

For nothing else but to be mended. + 

A sect, whose chief devotion lies + 

In odd perverse antipathies; + 

In falling out with that or this, + 

And finding somewhat still amiss; + 

More peevish, cross, and splenetick, + 

Than dog distract, or monkey sick. + 

That with more care keep holy-day + 

The wrong, than others the right way; + 

Compound for sins they are inclin’d to, + 

By damning those they have no mind to: + 

Still so perverse and opposite, + 

As if they worshipp’d God for spite. + 

The self-same thing they will abhor + 

One way, and long another for. + 

Free-will they one way disavow; + 

Another, nothing else allow. + 

All piety consists therein + 

In them, in other men all sin. + 

Rather than fail, they will decry + 

That which they love most tenderly; + 

Quarrel with minc’d-pies, and disparage + 

Their best and dearest friend, plum-porridge. + 

Fat pig and goose itself oppose, + 

And blaspheme custard through the nose. + 

Th’ apostles of this fierce religion, + 

Like Mahomet’s, were ass and widgeon; + 

To whom our Knight, by fast instinct + 

Of wit and temper, was so linkt, + 

As if hypocrisy and nonsense + 

Had got th’ advowson of his conscience. + 

Thus was he gifted and accouter’d; + 

We mean on th’ inside, not the outward; + 

That next of all we shall discuss: + 

Then listen, Sirs, it follows thus: + 

His tawny beard was th’ equal grace + 

Both of his wisdom and his face; + 

In cut and dye so like a tile, + 

A sudden view it would beguile: + 

The upper part thereof was whey; + 

The nether, orange mix’d with grey. + 

This hairy meteor did denounce + 

The fall of sceptres and of crowns; + 

With grisly type did represent + 

Declining age of government; + 

And tell with hieroglyphick spade, + 

Its own grave and the state’s were made. + 

Like Samson’s heart-breakers, it grew + 

In time to make a nation rue; + 

Though it contributed its own fall, + 

To wait upon the publick downfall: + 

It was monastick, and did grow + 

In holy orders by strict vow; + 

Of rule as sullen and severe + 

As that of rigid Cordelier. + 

’Twas bound to suffer persecution + 

And martyrdom with resolution; + 

T’ oppose itself against the hate + 

And vengeance of th’ incensed state; + 

In whose defiance it was worn, + 

Still ready to be pull’d and torn; + 

With red-hot irons to be tortur’d; + 

Revil’d, and spit upon, and martyr’d. + 

Maugre all which, ’twas to stand fast + 

As long as monarchy should last; + 

But when the state should hap to reel, + 

’Twas to submit to fatal steel, + 

And fall, as it was consecrate, + 

A sacrifice to fall of state; + 

Whose thread of life the fatal sisters + 

Did twist together with its whiskers, + 

And twine so close, that Time should never, + 

In life or death, their fortunes sever; + 

But with his rusty sickle mow + 

Both down together at a blow. + 

So learned Taliacotius from + 

The brawny part of porter’s bum + 

Cut supplemental noses, which + 

Would last as long as parent breech; + 

But when the date of nock was out, + 

Off dropp’d the sympathetic snout. + 

His back, or rather burthen, show’d, + 

As if it stoop’d with its own load: + 

For as Aeneas bore his sire + 

Upon his shoulders thro’ the fire, + 

Our Knight did bear no less a pack + 

Of his own buttocks on his back; + 

Which now had almost got the upper- + 

Hand of his head, for want of crupper. + 

To poise this equally, he bore + 

A paunch of the same bulk before; + 

Which still he had a special care + 

To keep well-cramm’d with thrifty fare; + 

As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds, + 

Such as a country-house affords; + 

With other vittle, which anon + 

We farther shall dilate upon, + 

When of his hose we come to treat, + 

The cupboard where he kept his meat. + 

His doublet was of sturdy buff, + 

And though not sword, yet cudgel-proof; + 

Whereby ’twas fitter for his use, + 

Who fear’d no blows, but such as bruise. + 

His breeches were of rugged woollen, + 

And had been at the siege of Bullen; + 

To old king Harry so well known, + 

Some writers held they were his own. + 

Thro’ they were lin’d with many a piece + 

Of ammunition bread and cheese, + 

And fat black-puddings, proper food + 

For warriors that delight in blood. + 

For, as we said, he always chose + 

To carry vittle in his hose, + 

That often tempted rats and mice + 

The ammunition to surprise: + 

And when he put a hand but in + 

The one or t’ other magazine, + 

They stoutly in defence on’t stood, + 

And from the wounded foe drew blood; + 

And till th’ were storm’d and beaten out, + 

Ne’er left the fortify’d redoubt. + 

And though knights-errant, as some think, + 

Of old did neither eat nor drink, + 

Because, when thorough deserts vast, + 

And regions desolate, they past, + 

Where belly-timber above ground, + 

Or under, was not to be found, + 

Unless they graz’d, there’s not one word + 

Of their provision on record; + 

Which made some confidently write, + 

They had no stomachs, but to fight. + 

’Tis false: for Arthur wore in hall + 

Round table like a farthingal, + 

On which, with shirt pull’d out behind, + 

And eke before, his good knights din’d. + 

Though ’twas no table, some suppose, + 

But a huge pair of round trunk hose; + 

In which he carry’d as much meat + 

As he and all the knights could eat, + 

When, laying by their swords and truncheons, + 

They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons. + 

But let that pass at present, lest + 

We should forget where we digrest, + 

As learned authors use, to whom + 

We leave it, and to th’ purpose come, + 

His puissant sword unto his side, + 

Near his undaunted heart, was ty’d; + 

With basket-hilt, that would hold broth, + 

And serve for fight and dinner both. + 

In it he melted lead for bullets, + 

To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets, + 

To whom he bore so fell a grutch, + 

He ne’er gave quarter t’ any such. + 

The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty, + 

For want of fighting, was grown rusty, + 

And ate unto itself, for lack + 

Of somebody to hew and hack. + 

The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt + 

The rancour of its edge had felt; + 

For of the lower end two handful + 

It had devour’d, ’twas so manful; + 

And so much scorn’d to lurk in case, + 

As if it durst not shew its face. + 

In many desperate attempts, + 

Of warrants, exigents, contempts, + 

It had appear’d with courage bolder + 

Than Serjeant Bum invading shoulder. + 

Oft had it ta’en possession, + 

And pris’ners too, or made them run. + 

This sword a dagger had t’ his page, + 

That was but little for his age; + 

And therefore waited on him so, + 

As dwarfs upon knights-errant do. + 

It was a serviceable dudgeon, + 

Either for fighting or for drudging. + 

When it had stabb’d, or broke a head, + 

It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread; + 

Toast cheese or bacon; though it were + 

To bait a mouse-trap, ’twould not care. + 

’Twould make clean shoes; and in the earth + 

Set leeks and onions, and so forth. + 

It had been ’prentice to a brewer, + 

Where this and more it did endure; + 

But left the trade, as many more + 

Have lately done on the same score. + 

In th’ holsters, at his saddle-bow, + 

Two aged pistols he did stow, + 

Among the surplus of such meat + 

As in his hose he could not get. + 

These would inveigle rats with th’ scent, + 

To forage when the cocks were bent: + 

And sometimes catch ’em with a snap + 

As cleverly as th’ ablest trap. + 

They were upon hard duty still, + 

And ev’ry night stood sentinel, + 

To guard the magazine i’ the hose + 

From two-legg’d and from four-legg’d foes. + 

Thus clad and fortify’d, Sir Knight + 

From peaceful home set forth to fight. + 

But first with nimble, active force + 

He got on th’ outside of his horse; + 

For having but one stirrup ty’d + 

T’ his saddle, on the farther side, + 

It was so short h’ had much ado + 

To reach it with his desp’rate toe: + 

But after many strains and heaves, + 

He got up to the saddle-eaves, + 

From whence he vaulted into th’ seat, + 

With so much vigour, strength and heat, + 

That he had almost tumbled over + 

With his own weight, but did recover, + 

By laying hold on tail and mane, + 

Which oft he us’d instead of rein. + 

But now we talk of mounting steed, + 

Before we further do proceed, + 

It doth behove us to say something + 

Of that which bore our valiant bumpkin. + 

The beast was sturdy, large, and tall, + 

With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall. + 

I would say eye; for h’ had but one, + 

As most agree; though some say none. + 

He was well stay’d; and in his gait + 

Preserv’d a grave, majestick state. + 

At spur or switch no more he skipt, + 

Or mended pace, than Spaniard whipt; + 

And yet so fiery, he would bound + 

As if he griev’d to touch the ground: + 

That Caesar’s horse who, as fame goes + 

Had corns upon his feet and toes, + 

Was not by half so tender hooft, + 

Nor trod upon the ground so soft. + 

And as that beast would kneel and stoop + 

(Some write) to take his rider up, + 

So Hudibras his (’tis well known) + 

Would often do to set him down. + 

We shall not need to say what lack + 

Of leather was upon his back; + 

For that was hidden under pad, + 

And breech of Knight, gall’d full as bad. + 

His strutting ribs on both sides show’d + 

Like furrows he himself had plow’d; + 

For underneath the skirt of pannel, + 

’Twixt ev’ry two there was a channel. + 

His draggling tail hung in the dirt, + 

Which on his rider he would flirt, + 

Still as his tender side he prick’d, + 

With arm’d heel, or with unarm’d, kick’d; + 

For Hudibras wore but one spur; + 

As wisely knowing, could he stir + 

To active trot one side of ’s horse, + 

The other would not hang an arse. + 

A squire he had, whose name was Ralph, + 

That in th’ adventure went his half: + 

Though writers, for more stately tone, + 

Do call him Ralpho; ’tis all one; + 

And when we can with metre safe, + 

We’ll call him so; if not, plain Ralph. + 

(For rhyme the rudder is of verses, + 

With which like ships they steer their courses.) + 

An equal stock of wit and valour + 

He had laid in; by birth a tailor. + 

The mighty Tyrian queen, that gain’d + 

With subtle shreds a tract of land, + 

Did leave it with a castle fair + 

To his great ancestor, her heir. + 

From him descended cross-legg’d knights, + 

Fam’d for their faith, and warlike fights + 

Against the bloody cannibal, + 

Whom they destroy’d both great and small. + 

This sturdy Squire he had, as well + 

As the bold Trojan knight, seen Hell; + 

Not with a counterfeited pass + 

Of golden bough, but true gold-lace. + 

His knowledge was not far behind + 

The Knight’s, but of another kind, + 

And he another way came by ’t: + 

Some call it Gifts, and some New-Light; + 

A liberal art that costs no pains + 

Of study, industry, or brains. + 

His wit was sent him for a token, + 

But in the carriage crack’d and broken. + 

Like commendation nine-pence crook’d, + 

With⁠—To and from my love⁠—it look’d. + 

He ne’er consider’d it, as loth + 

To look a gift-horse in the mouth; + 

And very wisely would lay forth + 

No more upon it than ’twas worth. + 

But as he got it freely, so + 

He spent it frank and freely too. + 

For Saints themselves will sometimes be + 

Of gifts that cost them nothing, free. + 

By means of this, with hem and cough, + 

Prolongers to enlighten’d stuff, + 

He could deep mysteries unriddle + 

As easily as thread a needle. + 

For as of vagabonds we say, + 

That they are ne’er beside their way; + 

Whate’er men speak by this New Light, + 

Still they are sure to be i’ th’ right. + 

’Tis a dark-lantern of the spirit, + 

Which none see by but those that bear it: + 

A light that falls down from on high, + 

For spiritual trades to cozen by: + 

An ignis fatuus, that bewitches + 

And leads men into pools and ditches, + 

To make them dip themselves, and sound + 

For Christendom in dirty pond; + 

To dive like wild-fowl for salvation, + 

And fish to catch regeneration. + 

This light inspires and plays upon + 

The nose of saint like bag-pipe drone, + 

And speaks through hollow empty soul, + 

As through a trunk, or whisp’ring hole, + 

Such language as no mortal ear + 

But spirit’al eaves-droppers can hear: + 

So Phoebus, or some friendly muse, + 

Into small poets’ song infuse, + 

Which they at second-hand rehearse, + 

Thro’ reed or bag-pipe, verse for verse. + 

Thus Ralph became infallible + 

As three or four-legg’d oracle, + 

The ancient cup, or modern chair; + 

Spoke truth point-blank, though unaware. + 

For mystick learning, wondrous able + 

In magick Talisman and Cabal, + 

Whose primitive tradition reaches + 

As far as Adam’s first green breeches: + 

Deep sighted in intelligences, + 

Ideas, atoms, influences; + 

And much of terra incognita, + 

Th’ intelligible world, could say: + 

A deep occult Philosopher, + 

As learn’d as the wild Irish are, + 

Or Sir Agrippa; for profound + 

And solid lying much renown’d. + 

He Anthroposophus, and Floud, + 

And Jacob Behmen understood: + 

Knew many an amulet and charm, + 

That would do neither good nor harm: + 

In Rosy-crucian lore as learned, + 

As he that Vere adeptus earned. + 

He understood the speech of birds + 

As well as they themselves do words; + 

Cou’d tell what subtlest parrots mean, + 

That speak, and think contrary clean: + 

What member ’tis of whom they talk, + 

When they cry Rope, and Walk, knave, walk. + 

He’d extract numbers out of matter, + 

And keep them in a glass, like water; + 

Of sov’reign pow’r to make men wise; + 

For drop’d in blear thick-sighted eyes, + 

They’d make them see in darkest night, + 

Like owls, though purblind in the light. + 

By help of these (as he profess’d) + 

He had First Matter seen undress’d: + 

He took her naked all alone, + 

Before one rag of form was on. + 

The Chaos too he had descry’d, + 

And seen quite thro’, or else he ly’d: + 

Not that of paste-board which men shew + 

For groats, at fair of Barthol’mew; + 

But its great grandsire, first o’ the name, + 

Whence that and Reformation came; + 

Both cousin-germans, and right able + 

T’ inveigle and draw in the rabble. + 

But Reformation was, some say, + 

O’ th’ younger house to Puppet-play. + 

He could foretel whats’ever was + 

By consequence to come to pass; + 

As death of great men, alterations, + 

Diseases, battles, inundations, + 

All this, without th’ eclipse o’ th’ sun, + 

Or dreadful comet, he hath done, + 

By inward light; away as good, + 

And easy to be understood; + 

But with more lucky hit than those + 

That use to make the stars depose, + 

Like knights o’ th’ post, and falsely charge + 

Upon themselves what others forge: + 

As if they were consenting to + 

All mischiefs in the world men do: + 

Or, like the Devil, did tempt and sway ’em + 

To rogueries, and then betray ’em. + 

They’ll search a planet’s house, to know + 

Who broke and robb’d a house below: + 

Examine Venus, and the Moon, + 

Who stole a thimble or a spoon; + 

And though they nothing will confess, + 

Yet by their very looks can guess, + 

And tell what guilty aspect bodes, + 

Who stole, and who receiv’d the goods. + 

They’ll question Mars, and by his look, + 

Detect who ’twas that nimm’d a cloke; + 

Make Mercury confess, and ’peach + 

Those thieves which he himself did teach. + 

They’ll find, i’ th’ physiognomies + 

O’ th’ planets, all men’s destinies; + 

Like him that took the doctor’s bill, + 

And swallow’d it instead o’ th’ pill: + 

Cast the nativity o’ th’ question, + 

And from positions to be guess’d on, + 

As sure as if they knew the moment + 

Of natives birth, tell what will come on’t. + 

They’ll feel the pulses of the stars, + 

To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs; + 

And tell what crisis does divine + 

The rot in sheep, or mange in swine + 

In men, what gives or cures the itch; + 

What makes them cuckolds, poor or rich; + 

What gains or loses, hangs or saves; + 

What makes men great, what fools or knaves, + 

But not what wise; for only of those + 

The stars (they say) cannot dispose, + 

No more than can the astrologians. + 

There they say right, and like true Trojans. + 

This Ralpho knew, and therefore took + 

The other course, of which we spoke. + 

Thus was the accomplish’d Squire endu’d + 

With gifts and knowledge, per’lous shrewd. + 

Never did trusty Squire with Knight, + 

Or Knight with Squire, e’er jump more right. + 

Their arms and equipage did fit, + 

As well as virtues, parts, and wit. + 

Their valours too were of a rate; + 

And out they sally’d at the gate. + 

Few miles on horseback had they jogged, + 

But Fortune unto them turn’d dogged; + 

For they a sad adventure met, + 

Of which anon we mean to treat; + 

But ere we venture to unfold + 

Achievements so resolv’d and bold, + 

We should as learned poets use, + 

Invoke the assistance of some muse: + 

However, critics count it sillier + 

Than jugglers talking to familiar. + 

We think ’tis no great matter which; + 

They’re all alike; yet we shall pitch + 

On one that fits our purpose most + 

Whom therefore thus do we accost: + 

Thou that with ale, or viler liquors, + 

Did’st inspire Withers, Pryn, and Vickars, + 

And force them, though it was in spite + 

Of nature and their stars, to write; + 

Who, as we find in sullen writs, + 

And cross-grain’d works of modern wits, + 

With vanity, opinion, want, + 

The wonder of the ignorant, + 

The praises of the author, penn’d + 

B’ himself, or wit-ensuring friend; + 

The itch of picture in the front, + 

With bays and wicked rhyme upon’t; + 

All that is left o’ th’ forked hill, + 

To make men scribble without skill; + 

Canst make a poet spite of fate, + 

And teach all people to translate, + 

Though out of languages in which + 

They understand no part of speech; + 

Assist me but this once, I ’mplore, + 

And I shall trouble thee no more. + 

In western clime there is a town, + 

To those that dwell therein well known; + 

Therefore there needs no more be said here; + 

We unto them refer our reader; + 

For brevity is very good, + 

When w’ are, or are not, understood. + 

To this town people did repair, + 

On days of market, or of fair, + 

And, to crack’d fiddle, and hoarse tabor, + 

In merriment did drudge and labour. + 

But now a sport more formidable + 

Had rak’d together village rabble; + 

’Twas an old way of recreating, + 

Which learned butchers call bear-baiting: + 

A bold advent’rous exercise, + 

With ancient heroes in high prize: + 

For authors do affirm it came + 

From Isthmian or Nemean game: + 

Others derive it from the bear + 

That’s fix’d in northern hemisphere, + 

And round about the pole does make + 

A circle like a bear at stake, + 

That at the chain’s end wheels about, + 

And overturns the rabble-rout. + 

For after solemn proclamation, + 

In the bear’s name, (as is the fashion, + 

According to the law of arms, + 

To keep men from inglorious harms,) + 

That none presume to come so near + 

As forty foot of stake of bear, + 

If any yet be so fool-hardy, + 

T’ expose themselves to vain jeopardy, + 

If they come wounded off, and lame, + 

No honour’s got by such a maim; + 

Altho’ the bear gain much, b’ing bound + 

In honour to make good his ground, + 

When he’s engag’d, and takes no notice, + 

If any press upon him, who ’tis; + 

But let’s them know, at their own cost, + 

That he intends to keep his post. + 

This to prevent, and other harms, + 

Which always wait on feats of arms + 

(For in the hurry of a fray + 

’Tis hard to keep out of harm’s way,) + 

Thither the Knight his course did steer, + 

To keep the peace ’twixt dog and bear; + 

As he believ’d he was bound to do + 

In conscience, and commission too; + 

And therefore thus bespoke the Squire: + 

We that are wisely mounted higher + 

Than constables in curule wit, + 

When on tribunal bench we sit, + 

Like speculators should foresee, + 

From Pharos of authority, + 

Portended mischiefs farther then + 

Low Proletarian tything-men: + 

And therefore being inform’d by bruit, + 

That dog and bear are to dispute; + 

For so of late men fighting name, + 

Because they often prove the same + 

(For where the first does hap to be, + 

The last does coincidere;) + 

Quantum in nobis, have thought good, + 

To save th’ expense of Christian blood, + 

And try if we, by mediation + 

Of treaty and accommodation, + 

Can end the quarrel and compose + 

The bloody duel without blows. + 

Are not our liberties, our lives, + 

The laws, religion, and our wives, + 

Enough at once to lie at stake + 

For Cov’nant and the Cause’s sake? + 

But in that quarrel dogs and bears, + 

As well as we, must venture theirs + 

This feud, by Jesuits invented, + 

By evil counsel is fomented; + 

There is a Machiavelian plot, + 

(Though every nare olfact is not,) + 

A deep design in’t, to divide + 

The well-affected that confide, + 

By setting brother against brother, + 

To claw and curry one another. + 

Have we not enemies, plus satis, + 

That, cane et angue pejus, hate us? + 

And shall we turn our fangs and claws + 

Upon our own selves, without cause? + 

That some occult design doth lie + 

In bloody cynarctomachy, + 

Is plain enough to him that knows + 

How saints lead brothers by the nose. + 

I wish myself a pseudo-prophet, + 

But sure some mischief will come of it; + 

Unless by providential wit, + 

Or force, we averruncate it. + 

For what design, what interest, + 

Can beast have to encounter beast? + 

They fight for no espoused cause, + 

Frail privilege, fundamental laws, + 

Not for a thorough reformation, + 

Nor covenant, nor protestation, + 

Nor liberty of consciences, + 

Nor Lords and Commons’ ordinances; + 

Nor for the church, nor for church-lands, + 

To get them in their own no-hands; + 

Nor evil counsellors to bring + 

To justice that seduce the king; + 

Nor for the worship of us men, + 

Though we have done as much for them. + 

Th’ Egyptians worshipp’d dogs, and for + 

Their faith made internecine war. + 

Others ador’d a rat, and some + 

For that church suffer’d martyrdom. + 

The Indians fought for the truth + 

Of th’ elephant and monkey’s tooth, + 

And many, to defend that faith, + 

Fought it out, mordicus, to death. + 

But no beast ever was so slight, + 

For man, as for his God, to fight. + 

They have more wit, alas! and know + 

Themselves and us better than so. + 

But we, who only do infuse + 

The rage in them like Boute-feus; + 

’Tis our example that instils + 

In them th’ infection of our ills. + 

For, as some late philosophers. + 

Have well observ’d, beasts that converse + 

With man, take after him, as hogs + 

Get pigs all th’ year, and bitches dogs. + 

Just so, by our example, cattle + 

Learn to give one another battle. + 

We read, in Nero’s time, the heathen, + 

When they destroy’d the Christian brethren, + 

Did sew them in the skins of bears, + 

And then set dogs about their ears: + 

From thence, no doubt, th’ invention came + 

Of this lewd antichristian game. + 

To this, quoth Ralpho, Verily + 

The point seems very plain to me. + 

It is an antichristian game, + 

Unlawful both in thing and name. + 

First, for the name: the word, bear-baiting + 

Is carnal, and of man’s creating: + 

For certainly there’s no such word + 

In all the Scripture on record; + 

Therefore unlawful, and a sin; + 

And so is (secondly) the thing. + 

A vile assembly ’tis, that can + 

No more be prov’d by Scripture than + 

Provincial, classic, national; + 

Mere human creature-cobwebs all. + 

Thirdly, it is idolatrous; + 

For when men run a whoring thus + 

With their inventions, whatsoe’er + 

The thing be, whether dog or bear, + 

It is idolatrous and pagan, + 

No less than worshipping of Dagon. + 

Quoth Hudibras, I smell a rat: + 

Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate; + 

For though the thesis which thou lay’st + 

Be true ad amussim, as thou say’st; + 

(For that bear-baiting should appear + 

Jure divino, lawfuller + 

Than synods are, thou dost deny, + 

Totidem verbis: so do I;) + 

Yet there’s a fallacy in this; + 

For if by sly homoeosis, + 

Tussis pro crepitu, an art + 

Under a cough to slur a fart, + 

Thou wouldst sophistically imply + 

Both are unlawful, I deny. + 

And I (quoth Ralpho) do not doubt + 

But bear-baiting may be made out, + 

In gospel-times, as lawful as is + 

Provincial or parochial classis; + 

And that both are so near of kin, + 

And like in all, as well as sin, + 

That put them in a bag, and shake ’em, + 

Yourself o’ th’ sudden would mistake ’em, + 

And not know which is which, unless + 

You measure by their wickedness: + 

For ’tis not hard t’imagine whether + 

O’ th’ two is worst; though I name neither. + 

Quoth Hudibras, Thou offer’st much, + 

But art not able to keep touch. + 

Mira de lente, as ’tis i’ th’ adage, + 

Id est, to make a leek a cabbage; + 

Thou wilt at best but such a bull, + 

Or shear-swine, all cry and no wool; + 

For what can synods have at all + 

With bear that’s analogical? + 

Or what relation has debating + 

Of church-affairs with bear-baiting? + 

A just comparison still is + 

Of things ejusdem generis; + 

And then what genius rightly doth + 

Include and comprehend them both? + 

If animal, both of us may + 

As justly pass for bears as they; + 

For we are animals no less, + 

Altho’ of different specieses. + 

But, Ralpho, this is no fit place + 

Nor time to argue out the case: + 

For now the field is not far off, + 

Where we must give the world a proof + 

Of deeds, not words, and such as suit + 

Another manner of dispute; + 

A controversy that affords + 

Actions for arguments, not words; + 

Which we must manage at a rate + 

Of prowess and conduct adequate + 

To what our place and fame doth promise, + 

And all the godly expect from us. + 

Nor shall they be deceiv’d, unless + 

We’re slurr’d and outed by success; + 

Success, the mark no mortal wit, + 

Or surest hand, can always hit: + 

For whatsoe’er we perpetrate, + 

We do but row, we’re steer’d by Fate, + 

Which in success oft disinherits, + 

For spurious causes, noblest merits. + 

Great actions are not always true sons + 

Of great and mighty resolutions; + 

Nor do th’ boldest attempts bring forth + 

Events still equal to their worth; + 

But sometimes fail, and in their stead + 

Fortune and cowardice succeed. + 

Yet we have no great cause to doubt; + 

Our actions still have borne us out; + 

Which, though they’re known to be so ample, + 

We need not copy from example. + 

We’re not the only persons durst + 

Attempt this province, nor the first. + 

In northern clime a val’rous knight + 

Did whilom kill his bear in fight, + 

And wound a fiddler; we have both + 

Of these the objects of our wroth, + 

And equal fame and glory from + 

Th’ attempt of victory to come. + 

’Tis sung, there is a valiant Mamaluke + 

In foreign land, yclep’d⁠— + 

To whom we have been oft compar’d + 

For person, parts, address, and beard; + 

Both equally reputed stout, + 

And in the same cause both have fought; + 

He oft in such attempts as these + 

Came off with glory and success; + 

Nor will we fail in th’ execution, + 

For want of equal resolution. + 

Honour is like a widow, won + 

With brisk attempt and putting on; + 

With ent’ring manfully, and urging; + 

Not slow approaches, like a virgin. + 

’Tis said, as erst the Phrygian knight, + 

So ours with rusty steel did smite + 

His Trojan horse, and just as much + 

He mended pace upon the touch; + 

But from his empty stomach groan’d + 

Just as that hollow beast did sound, + 

And angry answer’d from behind, + 

With brandish’d tail and blast of wind. + 

So have I seen, with armed heel, + 

A wight bestride a common-weal; + 

While still the more he kick’d and spurr’d + 

The less the sullen jade had stirr’d. + 

There was an ancient sage philosopher, + 

That had read Alexander Ross over, + 

And swore the world, as he could prove, + 

Was made of fighting and of love: + 

Just so Romances are, for what else + 

Is in them all, but love and battles? + 

O’ th’ first of these we’ve no great matter + 

To treat of, but a world o’ th’ latter; + 

In which to do the injur’d right + 

We mean, in what concerns just fight. + 

Certes our authors are to blame, + 

For to make some well-sounding name + 

A pattern fit for modern knights + 

To copy out in frays and fights; + 

Like those that a whole street do raze + 

To build a palace in the place. + 

They never care how many others + 

They kill, without regard of mothers, + 

Or wives, or children, so they can + 

Make up some fierce, dead-doing man, + 

Compos’d of many ingredient valours, + 

Just like the manhood of nine tailors. + 

So a wild Tartar, when he spies + 

A man that’s handsome, valiant, wise, + 

If he can kill him, thinks t’ inherit + 

His wit, his beauty, and his spirit; + 

As if just so much he enjoy’d + 

As in another is destroy’d. + 

For when a giant’s slain in fight, + 

And mow’d o’erthwart, or cleft downright, + 

It is a heavy case, no doubt, + 

A man should have his brains beat out + 

Because he’s tall, and has large bones; + 

As men kill beavers for their stones. + 

But as for our part, we shall tell + 

The naked truth of what befel; + 

And as an equal friend to both + 

The Knight and Bear, but more to troth, + 

With neither faction shall take part, + 

But give to each his due desert; + 

And never coin a formal lie on’t, + 

To make the Knight o’ercome the giant. + 

This b’ing profest, we’ve hopes enough, + 

And now go on where we left off. + 

They rode; but authors having not + 

Determin’d whether pace or trot, + 

(That is to say, whether tollutation, + 

As they do term’t, or succussation,) + 

We leave it, and go on, as now + 

Suppose they did, no matter how; + 

Yet some from subtle hints have got + 

Mysterious light, it was a trot: + 

But let that pass: they now begun + 

To spur their living engines on. + 

For as whipp’d tops, and bandy’d balls, + 

The learned hold, are animals; + 

So horses they affirm to be + 

Mere engines made by geometry; + 

And were invented first from engines, + 

As Indian Britons were from Penguins. + 

So let them be; and, as I was saying, + 

They their live engines ply’d, not staying + 

Until they reach’d the fatal champaign, + 

Which th’ enemy did then encamp on; + 

The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle + 

Was to be wag’d ’twixt puissant cattle + 

And fierce auxiliary men, + 

That came to aid their brethren, + 

Who now began to take the field, + 

As Knight from ridge of steed beheld. + 

For as our modern wits behold, + 

Mounted a pick-back on the old, + 

Much further oft; much further he, + 

Rais’d on his aged beast could see; + 

Yet not sufficient to descry + 

All postures of the enemy; + 

Wherefore he bids the Squire ride further, + 

T’ observe their numbers, and their order; + 

That when their motions he had known, + 

He might know how to fit his own. + 

Meanwhile he stopp’d his willing steed, + 

To fit himself for martial deed. + 

Both kinds of metal he prepar’d, + 

Either to give blows, or to ward: + 

Courage and steel, both of great force, + 

Prepar’d for better or for worse. + 

His death-charg’d pistols he did fit well, + 

Drawn out from life-preserving vittle. + 

These being prim’d, with force he labour’d + 

To free ’s sword from retentive scabbard; + 

And, after many a painful pluck, + 

From rusty durance he bail’d tuck. + 

Then shook himself, to see that prowess + 

In scabbard of his arms sat loose; + 

And, rais’d upon his desp’rate foot, + 

On stirrup-side he gaz’d about, + 

Portending blood, like blazing star, + 

The beacon of approaching war. + 

Ralpho rode on with no less speed + 

Than Hugo in the forest did; + 

But far more in returning made; + 

For now the foe he had survey’d, + 

Rang’d as to him they did appear, + 

With van, main battle, wings, and rear. + 

I’ the head of all this warlike rabble, + 

Crowdero march’d, expert and able. + 

Instead of trumpet and of drum, + 

That makes the warrior’s stomach come, + 

Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer + 

By thunder turn’d to vinegar, + 

(For if a trumpet sound, or drum beat, + 

Who has not a month’s mind to combat?) + 

A squeaking engine he apply’d + 

Unto his neck, on north-east side, + 

Just where the hangman does dispose, + 

To special friends, the knot of noose: + 

For ’tis great grace, when statesmen straight + 

Dispatch a friend, let others wait. + 

His warped ear hung o’er the strings, + 

Which was but souse to chitterlings: + 

For guts, some write, ere they are sodden, + 

Are fit for music, or for pudden; + 

From whence men borrow ev’ry kind + 

Of minstrelsy by string or wind. + 

His grisly beard was long and thick, + 

With which he strung his fiddle-stick; + 

For he to horse-tail scorn’d to owe, + 

For what on his own chin did grow. + 

Chiron, the four-legg’d bard, had both + 

A beard and tail of his own growth; + 

And yet by authors ’tis averr’d, + 

He made use only of his beard. + 

In Staffordshire, where virtuous worth + 

Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth; + 

Where bulls do choose the boldest king, + 

And ruler, o’er the men of string; + 

(As once in Persia, ’tis said, + 

Kings were proclaim’d by a horse that neigh’d;) + 

He bravely venturing at a crown, + 

By chance of war was beaten down, + 

And wounded sore. His leg then broke, + 

Had got a deputy of oak: + 

For when a shin in fight is cropp’d, + 

The knee with one of timber’s propp’d, + 

Esteem’d more honourable than the other, + 

And takes place, though the younger brother. + 

Next march’d brave Orsin, famous for + 

Wise conduct, and success in war: + 

A skilful leader, stout, severe, + 

Now marshal to the champion bear. + 

With truncheon, tipp’d with iron head, + 

The warrior to the lists he led; + 

With solemn march and stately pace, + 

But far more grave and solemn face; + 

Grave as the Emperor of Pegu + 

Or Spanish Potentate, Don Diego. + 

This leader was of knowledge great, + 

Either for charge or for retreat. + 

He knew when to fall on pell-mell; + 

To fall back and retreat as well. + 

So lawyers, lest the bear defendant, + 

And plaintiff dog, should make an end on’t, + 

Do stave and tail with writs of error, + 

Reverse of judgment, and demurrer, + 

To let them breathe a while, and then + 

Cry whoop, and set them on agen. + 

As Romulus a wolf did rear, + 

So he was dry-nurs’d by a bear, + 

That fed him with the purchas’d prey + 

Of many a fierce and bloody fray; + 

Bred up, where discipline most rare is, + 

In military Garden Paris. + 

For soldiers heretofore did grow + 

In gardens just as weeds do now, + 

Until some splay-foot politicians + 

T’ Apollo offer’d up petitions + 

For licensing a new invention + 

They’d found out of an antique engine, + 

To root out all the weeds that grow + 

In public gardens at a blow, + 

And leave th’ herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun, + 

My friends, that is not to be done. + 

Not done! quoth Statesmen; yes, an’t please ye, + 

When it’s once known, you’ll say ’tis easy. + 

Why then let’s know it, quoth Apollo. + 

We’ll beat a drum, and they’ll all follow. + 

A drum! (quoth Phoebus;) troth, that’s true; + 

A pretty invention, quaint and new. + 

But though of voice and instrument + 

We are the undoubted president, + 

We such loud music don’t profess: + 

The devil’s master of that office, + 

Where it must pass, if ’t be a drum; + 

He’ll sign it with Cler. Parl. Dom. Com. + 

To him apply yourselves, and he + 

Will soon dispatch you for his fee. + 

They did so; but it prov’d so ill, + 

Th’ had better let ’em grow there still. + 

But to resume what we discoursing + 

Were on before, that is, stout Orsin: + 

That which so oft, by sundry writers, + 

Has been applied t’ almost all fighters, + 

More justly may b’ ascrib’d to this + 

Than any other warrior, (viz.) + 

None ever acted both parts bolder, + 

Both of a chieftain and a soldier. + 

He was of great descent, and high + 

For splendour and antiquity; + 

And from celestial origine + 

Deriv’d himself in a right line: + 

Not as the ancient heroes did, + 

Who, that their base births might be hid, + 

(Knowing they were of doubtful gender, + 

And that they came in at a windore,) + 

Made Jupiter himself, and others + 

O’ th’ gods, gallants to their own mothers, + 

To get on them a race of champions + 

(Of which old Homer first made lampoons.) + 

Arctophylax, in northern sphere, + 

Was his undoubted ancestor: + 

From him his great forefathers came, + 

And in all ages bore his name. + 

Learned he was in med’c’nal lore; + 

For by his side a pouch he wore, + 

Replete with strange hermetic powder, + 

That wounds nine miles point-blank would solder, + 

By skilful chemist, with great cost, + 

Extracted from a rotten post; + 

But of a heav’nlier influence + 

Than that which mountebanks dispense; + 

Though by Promethean fire made, + 

As they do quack that drive that trade. + 

For as when slovens do amiss + 

At others doors, by stool or piss, + 

The learned write, a red-hot spit + 

B’ing prudently apply’d to it, + 

Will convey mischief from the dung + 

Unto the part that did the wrong, + 

So this did healing; and as sure + 

As that did mischief, this could cure. + 

Thus virtuous Orsin was endu’d + 

With learning, conduct, fortitude, + 

Incomparable: and as the prince + 

Of poets, Homer, sung long since, + 

A skilful leech is better far + 

Than half an hundred men of war, + 

So he appear’d; and by his skill, + 

No less than dint of sword, could kill. + 

The gallant Bruin march’d next him, + 

With visage formidably grim, + 

And rugged as a Saracen, + 

Or Turk of Mahomet’s own kin; + 

Clad in a mantle della guerre + 

Of rough impenetrable fur; + 

And in his nose, like Indian king, + 

He wore, for ornament, a ring; + 

About his neck a threefold gorget, + 

As rough as trebled leathern target; + 

Armed, as heralds, cant, and langued; + 

Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged. + 

For as the teeth in beasts of prey + 

Are swords, with which they fight in fray; + 

So swords, in men of war, are teeth, + 

Which they do eat their vittle with. + 

He was by birth, some authors write, + 

A Russian; some, a Muscovite; + 

And ’mong the Cossacks had been bred, + 

Of whom we in diurnals read, + 

That serve to fill up pages here, + 

As with their bodies ditches there. + 

Scrimansky was his cousin-german, + 

With whom he serv’d, and fed on vermin; + 

And when these fail’d, he’d suck his claws, + 

And quarter himself upon his paws. + 

And though his countrymen, the Huns, + 

Did stew their meat between their bums + 

And th’ horses backs o’er which they straddle, + 

And ev’ry man eat up his saddle; + 

He was not half so nice as they, + 

But eat it raw when ’t came in’s way. + 

He had trac’d countries far and near, + 

More than Le Blanc, the traveller; + 

Who writes, he spous’d in India, + 

Of noble house, a lady gay, + 

And got on her a race of worthies, + 

As stout as any upon earth is. + 

Full many a fight for him between + 

Talgol and Orsin oft had been + 

Each striving to deserve the crown + 

Of a sav’d citizen; the one + 

To guard his bear; the other fought + 

To aid his dog; both made more stout + 

By sev’ral spurs of neighbourhood, + 

Church-fellow-membership, and blood; + 

But Talgol, mortal foe to cows, + 

Never got aught of him but blows; + 

Blows hard and heavy, such as he + 

Had lent, repaid with usury. + 

Yet Talgol was of courage stout, + 

And vanquish’d oft’ner than he fought: + 

Inur’d to labour, sweat and toil, + 

And like a champion shone with oil. + 

Right many a widow his keen blade, + 

And many fatherless had made. + 

He many a boar and huge dun-cow + 

Did, like another Guy, o’erthrow; + 

But Guy with him in fight compar’d, + 

Had like the boar or dun-cow far’d. + 

With greater troops of sheep h’ had fought + 

Than Ajax or bold Don Quixote: + 

And many a serpent of fell kind, + 

With wings before and stings behind, + 

Subdu’d, as poets say, long agone, + 

Bold Sir George, St. George, did the dragon. + 

Nor engine, nor device polemic, + 

Disease, nor doctor epidemic, + 

Though stor’d with deletory med’cines, + 

(Which whosoever took is dead since,) + 

E’er sent so vast a colony + 

To both the underworlds as he: + 

For he was of that noble trade + 

That demi-gods and heroes made, + 

Slaughter and knocking on the head, + 

The trade to which they all were bred; + 

And is, like others, glorious when + 

’Tis great and large, but base if mean: + 

The former rides in triumph for it, + 

The latter in a two-wheel’d chariot, + 

For daring to profane a thing + 

So sacred with vile bungling. + 

Next these the brave Magnano came; + 

Magnano, great in martial fame. + 

Yet when with Orsin he wag’d fight, + 

’Tis sung, he got but little by ’t. + 

Yet he was fierce as forest boar, + 

Whose spoils upon his back he wore, + 

As thick as Ajax’ seven-fold shield, + 

Which o’er his brazen arms he held: + 

But brass was feeble to resist + 

The fury of his armed fist; + 

Nor could the hardest ir’n hold out + 

Against his blows, but they would through’t. + 

In magic he was deeply read + 

As he that made the brazen head; + 

Profoundly skill’d in the black art, + 

As English Merlin for his heart; + 

But far more skilful in the spheres + 

Than he was at the sieve and shears. + 

He could transform himself in colour + 

As like the devil as a collier; + 

As like as hypocrites in show + 

Are to true saints, or crow to crow. + 

Of warlike engines he was author, + 

Devis’d for quick dispatch of slaughter: + 

The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker, + 

He was th’ inventor of, and maker: + 

The trumpet, and the kettle-drum, + 

Did both from his invention come. + 

He was the first that e’er did teach + 

To make, and how to stop, a breach. + 

A lance he bore with iron pike; + 

Th’ one half would thrust, the other strike; + 

And when their forces he had join’d, + 

He scorn’d to turn his parts behind. + 

He Trulla lov’d; Trulla, more bright + 

Than burnish’d armour of her knight: + 

A bold virago, stout and tall + 

As Joan of France, or English Mall, + 

Thro’ perils both of wind and limb, + 

Thro’ thick and thin, she follow’d him, + 

In ev’ry adventure h’ undertook, + 

And never him or it forsook: + 

At breach of wall, or hedge surprise, + 

She shar’d i’ th’ hazard and the prize: + 

At beating quarters up, or forage, + 

Behav’d herself with matchless courage; + 

And laid about in fight more busily + 

Than the Amazonian dame Penthesile. + 

And though some critics here cry shame, + 

And say our authors are to blame, + 

That (spite of all philosophers, + 

Who hold no females stout but bears, + 

And heretofore did so abhor + 

That women should pretend to war, + 

They would not suffer the stoutest dame + 

To swear by Hercules’s name) + 

Make feeble ladies in their works, + 

To fight like termagants and Turks; + 

To lay their native arms aside, + 

Their modesty, and ride astride; + 

To run a-tilt at men, and wield + 

Their naked tools in open field; + 

As stout Armida, bold Thalestris, + 

And she that would have been the mistress + 

Of Gondibert; but he had grace, + 

And rather took a country lass; + 

They say, ’tis false, without all sense, + 

But of pernicious consequence + 

To government, which they suppose + 

Can never be upheld in prose; + 

Strip Nature naked to the skin, + 

You’ll find about her no such thing. + 

It may be so; yet what we tell + 

Of Trulla that’s improbable, + 

Shall be depos’d by those who’ve seen’t, + 

Or, what’s as good, produc’d in print: + 

And if they will not take our word, + 

We’ll prove it true upon record. + 

The upright Cerdon next advanc’t, + 

Of all his race the valiant’st: + 

Cerdon the Great, renown’d in song, + 

Like Herc’les, for repair of wrong: + 

He rais’d the low and fortify’d + 

The weak against the strongest side: + 

Ill has he read, that never hit + 

On him in Muses’ deathless writ. + 

He had a weapon keen and fierce, + 

That through a bull-hide shield would pierce, + 

And cut it in a thousand pieces, + 

Though tougher than the Knight of Greece his, + 

With whom his black-thumb’d ancestor + 

Was comrade in the ten years war: + 

For when the restless Greeks sat down + 

So many years before Troy town, + 

And were renown’d, as Homer writes, + 

For well sol’d boots no less than fights, + 

They ow’d that glory only to + 

His ancestor, that made them so. + 

Fast friend he was to Reformation, + 

Until ’twas worn quite out of fashion. + 

Next rectifier of wry law, + 

And would make three to cure one flaw. + 

Learned he was, and could take note, + 

Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote. + 

But preaching was his chiefest talent, + 

Or argument, in which b’ing valiant, + 

He us’d to lay about and stickle, + 

Like ram or bull, at conventicle: + 

For disputants, like rams and bulls, + 

Do fight with arms that spring from skulls. + 

Last Colon came, bold man of war, + 

Destin’d to blows by fatal star; + 

Right expert in command of horse, + 

But cruel, and without remorse. + 

That which of Centaur long ago + 

Was said, and has been wrested to + 

Some other knights, was true of this; + 

He and his horse were of a piece. + 

One spirit did inform them both; + 

The self-same vigour, fury, wroth; + 

Yet he was much the rougher part, + 

And always had a harder heart: + 

Although his horse had been of those + 

That fed on man’s flesh, as fame goes. + 

Strange food for horse! and yet, alas! + 

It may be true, for flesh is grass. + 

Sturdy he was, and no less able + 

Than Hercules to clean a stable; + 

As great a drover, and as great + 

A critic too, in hog or neat. + 

He ripp’d the womb up of his mother, + 

Dame Tellus, ’cause she wanted fother + 

And provender wherewith to feed + 

Himself, and his less cruel steed. + 

It was a question, whether he + 

Or ’s horse were of a family + 

More worshipful: ’till antiquaries + 

(After th’ had almost por’d out their eyes) + 

Did very learnedly decide + 

The business on the horse’s side; + 

And prov’d not only horse, but cows, + 

Nay, pigs, were of the elder house: + 

For beasts, when man was but a piece + 

Of earth himself, did th’ earth possess. + 

These worthies were the chief that led + 

The combatants, each in the head + 

Of his command, with arms and rage, + 

Ready and longing to engage. + 

The numerous rabble was drawn out + 

Of sev’ral counties round about, + 

From villages remote, and shires, + 

Of east and western hemispheres: + 

From foreign parishes and regions, + 

Of different manners, speech, religions, + 

Came men and mastiffs; some to fight + 

For fame and honour, some for sight. + 

And now the field of death, the lists, + 

Were enter’d by antagonists, + 

And blood was ready to be broach’d, + 

When Hudibras in haste approach’d, + 

With Squire and weapons, to attack ’em; + 

But first thus from his horse bespake ’em: + 

What rage, O citizens! what fury + 

Doth you to these dire actions hurry? + 

What oestrum, what phrenetic mood, + 

Makes you thus lavish of your blood, + 

While the proud Vies your trophies boast + 

And unreveng’d walks⁠—ghost? + 

What towns, what garrisons might you + 

With hazard of this blood subdue, + 

Which now y’ are bent to throw away + 

In vain, untriumphable fray! + 

Shall saints in civil bloodshed wallow + 

Of saints, and let the Cause lie fallow? + 

The Cause for which we fought and swore + 

So boldly, shall we now give o’er? + 

Then, because quarrels still are seen + 

With oaths and swearings to begin, + 

The solemn League and Covenant + 

Will seem a mere God-dam-me rant; + 

And we, that took it, and have fought, + 

As lewd as drunkards that fall out. + 

For as we make war for the king + 

Against himself, the self-same thing, + 

Some will not stick to swear, we do + 

For God and for religion too: + 

For if bear-baiting we allow, + 

What good can Reformation do? + 

The blood and treasure that’s laid out, + 

Is thrown away, and goes for nought. + 

Are these the fruits o’ th’ Protestation, + 

The Prototype of Reformation, + 

Which all the Saints, and some, since martyrs, + 

Wore in their hats like wedding garters, + 

When ’twas resolv’d by either House + 

Six Members quarrel to espouse? + 

Did they for this draw down the rabble, + 

With zeal and noises formidable, + 

And make all cries about the town + 

Join throats to cry the bishops down? + 

Who having round begirt the palace + 

(As once a month they do the gallows,) + 

As members gave the sign about, + 

Set up their throats with hideous shout. + 

When tinkers bawl’d aloud to settle + 

Church discipline, for patching kettle: + 

No sow-gelder did blow his horn + 

To geld a cat, but cry’d Reform. + 

The oyster-women lock’d their fish up, + 

And trudg’d away, to cry, No bishop. + 

The mouse-trap men laid save-alls by, + 

And ’gainst ev’l counsellors did cry. + 

Bothers left old clothes in the lurch, + 

And fell to turn and patch the Church. + 

Some cry’d the Covenant instead + 

Of pudding-pies and ginger-bread; + 

And some for brooms, old boots and shoes, + 

Bawl’d out to purge the Commons’ House. + 

Instead of kitchen-stuff, some cry, + 

A gospel-preaching ministry; + 

And some, for old suits, coats, or cloak, + 

No Surplices nor Service-Book. + 

A strange harmonious inclination + 

Of all degrees to Reformation. + 

And is this all? Is this the end + 

To which these carr’ings on did tend? + 

Hath public faith, like a young heir, + 

For this ta’en up all sorts of ware, + 

And run int’ every tradesman’s book, + 

Till both turn’d bankrupts, and are broke? + 

Did Saints for this bring in their plate, + 

And crowd as if they came too late? + 

For when they thought the Cause had need on’t, + 

Happy was he that could be rid on’t. + 

Did they coin piss-pots, bowls, and flagons, + 

Int’ officers of horse and dragoons; + 

And into pikes and musketeers + 

Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers? + 

A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon, + 

Did start up living men as soon + 

As in the furnace they were thrown, + 

Just like the dragon’s teeth b’ing sown. + 

Then was the Cause of gold and plate, + 

The brethren’s off’rings, consecrate, + 

Like th’ Hebrew calf, and down before it + 

The saints fell prostrate, to adore it + 

So say the wicked⁠—and will you + 

Make that sarcasmus scandal true, + 

By running after dogs and bears, + 

Beasts more unclean than calves or steers? + 

Have pow’rful preachers ply’d their tongues, + 

And laid themselves out and their lungs; + 

Us’d all means, both direct and sinister, + 

I’ th’ pow’r of gospel-preaching minister? + 

Have they invented tones to win + 

The women, and make them draw in + 

The men, as Indians with a female + 

Tame elephant inveigle the male? + 

Have they told Prov’dence what it must do, + 

Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to? + 

Discover’d th’ enemy’s design, + 

And which way best to countermine? + 

Prescrib’d what ways it hath to work, + 

Or it will ne’er advance the kirk? + 

Told it the news o’ th’ last express, + 

And after good or bad success, + 

Made prayers, not so like petitions + 

As overtures and propositions + 

(Such as the army did present + 

To their creator, th’ Parliament,) + 

In which they freely will confess + 

They will not, cannot, acquiesce, + 

Unless the work be carry’d on + 

In the same way they have begun, + 

By setting church and common-weal + 

All on a flame, bright as their zeal, + 

On which the saints were all agog, + 

And all this for a bear and dog? + 

The parliament drew up petitions + 

To ’tself, and sent them, like commissions, + 

To well-affected persons down, + 

In ev’ry city and great town, + 

With pow’r to levy horse and men, + 

Only to bring them back agen; + 

For this did many, many a mile, + 

Ride manfully in rank and file, + 

With papers in their hats, that show’d + 

As if they to the pillory rode. + 

Have all these courses, these efforts, + 

Been try’d by people of all sorts, + 

Velis et remis, omnibus nervis, + 

And all t’ advance the Cause’s service? + 

And shall all now be thrown, away + 

In petulant intestine fray? + 

Shall we that in the Cov’nant swore, + 

Each man of us to run before + 

Another, still in Reformation, + 

Give dogs and bears a dispensation? + 

How will Dissenting Brethren relish it? + 

What will malignants say? videlicet, + 

That each man swore to do his best, + 

To damn and perjure all the rest! + 

And bid the Devil take the hin’most, + 

Which at this race is like to win most. + 

They’ll say our bus’ness, to reform + 

The church and state, is but a worm; + 

For to subscribe, unsight, unseen, + 

To an unknown church-discipline, + 

What is it else, but before-hand + 

T’ engage, and after understand? + 

For when we swore to carry on + 

The present Reformation, + 

According to the purest mode + 

Of Churches best reform’d abroad, + 

What did we else, but make a vow + 

To do we know not what, nor how? + 

For no three of us will agree, + 

Where or what churches these should be; + 

And is indeed the self-same case + 

With theirs that swore et ceteras: + 

Or the French League, in which men vow’d + 

To fight to the last drop of blood. + 

These slanders will be thrown upon + 

The cause and work we carry on, + 

If we permit men to run headlong + 

T’ exorbitances fit for bedlam + 

Rather than gospel-walking times, + 

When slightest sins are greatest crimes. + 

But we the matter so shall handle, + 

As to remove that odious scandal, + 

In name of King and Parliament, + 

I charge ye all no more foment + 

This feud, but keep the peace between + 

Your brethren and your countrymen; + 

And to those places straight repair + 

Where your respective dwellings are. + 

But to that purpose first surrender + 

The Fiddler, as the prime offender, + 

Th’ incendiary vile, that is chief + 

Author and engineer of mischief; + 

That makes division between friends, + 

For profane and malignant ends. + 

He, and that engine of vile noise, + 

On which illegally he plays, + 

Shall (dictum factum) both be brought + 

To condign punishment, as they ought. + 

This must be done; and I would fain see + 

Mortal so sturdy as to gainsay: + 

For then I’ll take another course, + 

And soon reduce you all by force. + 

This said, he clapp’d his hand on sword, + 

To shew he meant to keep his word. + 

But Talgol, who had long supprest + 

Inflamed wrath in glowing breast, + 

Which now began to rage and burn as + 

Implacably as flame in furnace, + 

Thus answer’d him:⁠—Thou vermin wretched + 

As e’er in measled pork was hatched; + 

Thou tail of worship, that dost grow + 

On rump of justice as of cow; + 

How dar’st thou, with that sullen luggage + 

O’ th’ self, old ir’n, and other baggage, + 

With which thy steed of bones and leather + 

Has broke his wind in halting hither; + 

How durst th’, I say, adventure thus + 

T’ oppose thy lumber against us? + 

Could thine impertinence find out + 

To work t’ employ itself about, + 

Where thou, secure from wooden blow, + 

Thy busy vanity might’st show? + 

Was no dispute a-foot between + 

The caterwauling brethren? + 

No subtle question rais’d among + 

Those out-o’-their wits, and those i’ th’ wrong? + 

No prize between those combatants + 

O’ th’ times, the land and water saints; + 

Where thou might’st strickle without hazard + 

Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard; + 

And not for want of bus’ness come + 

To us to be so troublesome, + 

To interrupt our better sort + 

Of disputants, and spoil our sport? + 

Was there no felony, no bawd, + 

Cut-purse, no burglary abroad; + 

No stolen pig, nor plunder’d goose, + 

To tie thee up from breaking loose? + 

No ale unlicens’d, broken hedge, + 

For which thou statute might’st alledge, + 

To keep thee busy from foul evil, + 

And shame due to thee from the devil? + 

Did no committee sit, where he + 

Might cut out journey-work for thee? + 

And set th’ a task, with subornation, + 

To stitch up sale and sequestration; + 

To cheat, with holiness and zeal, + 

All parties, and the common weal? + 

Much better had it been for thee, + 

H’ had kept thee where th’ art us’d to be; + 

Or sent th’ on bus’ness any whither, + 

So he had never brought thee hither. + 

But if th’ hast brain enough in skull + 

To keep itself in lodging whole, + 

And not provoke the rage of stones + 

And cudgels to thy hide and bones + 

Tremble, and vanish, while thou may’st, + 

Which I’ll not promise if thou stay’st. + 

At this the Knight grew high in wroth, + 

And lifting hands and eyes up both, + 

Three times he smote on stomach stout, + 

From whence at length these words broke out: + 

Was I for this entitled Sir, + 

And girt with trusty sword and spur, + 

For fame and honour to wage battle, + 

Thus to be brav’d by foe to cattle? + 

Not all that pride that makes thee swell + 

As big as thou dost blown-up veal; + 

Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat, + 

And sell thy carrion for good meat; + 

Not all thy magic to repair + 

Decay’d old age in tough lean ware; + 

Make nat’ral appear thy work, + 

And stop the gangrene in stale pork; + 

Not all that force that makes thee proud, + 

Because by bullock ne’er withstood; + 

Though arm’d with all thy cleavers, knives, + 

And axes made to hew down lives, + 

Shall save or help thee to evade + 

The hand of Justice, or this blade, + 

Which I, her sword-bearer, do carry, + 

For civil deed and military. + 

Nor shall those words of venom base, + 

Which thou hast from their native place, + 

Thy stomach pump’d to fling on me, + 

Go unreveng’d, though I am free: + 

Thou down the same throat shalt devour ’em, + 

Like tainted beef, and pay dear for ’em. + 

Nor shall it e’er be said, that wight + 

With gantlet blue, and bases white, + 

And round blunt truncheon by his side, + 

So great a man at arms defy’d + 

With words far bitterer than wormwood, + 

That would in Job or Grizel stir mood. + 

Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal; + 

But men with hands, as thou shalt feel. + 

This said, with hasty rage he snatch’d + 

His gun-shot, that in holsters watch’d; + 

And bending cock, he levell’d full + 

Against th’ outside of Talgol’s skull; + 

Vowing that he should ne’er stir further, + 

Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther. + 

But Pallas came in shape of rust, + 

And ’twixt the spring and hammer thrust + 

Her Gorgon shield, which made the cock + 

Stand stiff, as ’twere transform’d to stock. + 

Meanwhile fierce Talgol, gath’ring might, + 

With rugged truncheon charg’d the Knight; + 

But he with petronel upheav’d, + 

Instead of shield, the blow receiv’d. + 

The gun recoil’d, as well it might, + 

Not us’d to such a kind of fight, + 

And shrunk from its great master’s gripe, + 

Knock’d down and stunn’d by mortal stripe. + 

Then Hudibras, with furious haste, + 

Drew out his sword; yet not so fast, + 

But Talgol first, with hardy thwack, + 

Twice bruis’d his head, and twice his back. + 

But when his nut-brown sword was out, + 

With stomach huge he laid about, + 

Imprinting many a wound upon + 

His mortal foe, the truncheon. + 

The trusty cudgel did oppose + 

Itself against dead-doing blows, + 

To guard its leader from fell bane, + 

And then reveng’d itself again. + 

And though the sword (some understood) + 

In force had much the odds of wood, + 

’Twas nothing so; both sides were balanc’d + 

So equal, none knew which was valiant’st: + 

For wood with Honour b’ing engag’d, + 

Is so implacably enrag’d, + 

Though iron hew and mangle sore, + 

Wood wounds and bruises honour more. + 

And now both knights were out of breath, + 

Tir’d in the hot pursuit of death; + 

While all the rest amaz’d stood still, + 

Expecting which should take or kill. + 

This Hudibras observ’d; and fretting + 

Conquest should be so long a getting, + 

He drew up all his force into + 

One body, and that into one blow. + 

But Talgol wisely avoided it + 

By cunning sleight; for had it hit, + 

The upper part of him the blow + 

Had slit as sure as that below. + 

Meanwhile th’ incomparable Colon, + 

To aid his friend, began to fall on. + 

Him Ralph encounter’d, and straight grew + 

A dismal combat ’twixt them two: + 

Th’ one arm’d with metal, th’ other with wood; + 

This fit for bruise, and that for blood. + 

With many a stiff thwack, many a bang, + 

Hard crab-tree and old iron rang; + 

While none that saw them could divine + 

To which side conquest would incline, + 

Until Magnano, who did envy + 

That two should with so many men vie, + 

By subtle stratagem of brain, + 

Perform’d what force could ne’er attain; + 

For he, by foul hap, having found + 

Where thistles grew on barren ground, + 

In haste he drew his weapon out, + 

And having cropp’d them from the root, + 

He clapp’d them underneath the tail + 

Of steed, with pricks as sharp as nail. + 

The angry beast did straight resent + 

The wrong done to his fundament; + 

Began to kick, and fling, and wince, + 

As if h’ had been beside his sense, + 

Striving to disengage from thistle, + 

That gall’d him sorely under his tail: + 

Instead of which, he threw the pack + 

Of Squire and baggage from his back; + 

And blund’ring still with smarting rump, + 

He gave the Knight’s steed such a thump + 

As made him reel. The Knight did stoop, + 

And sat on further side aslope. + 

This Talgol viewing, who had now + 

By sleight escap’d the fatal blow, + 

He rally’d, and again fell to’t; + 

For catching foe by nearer foot, + 

He lifted with such might and strength, + 

As would have hurl’d him thrice his length, + 

And dash’d his brains (if any) out: + 

But Mars, that still protects the stout, + 

In pudding-time came to his aid, + 

And under him the bear convey’d; + 

The bear, upon whose soft fur-gown + 

The Knight with all his weight fell down. + 

The friendly rug preserv’d the ground, + 

And headlong Knight, from bruise or wound: + 

Like feather-bed betwixt a wall + 

And heavy brunt of cannon-ball. + 

As Sancho on a blanket fell, + 

And had no hurt, ours far’d as well + 

In body; though his mighty spirit, + 

B’ing heavy, did not so well bear it. + 

The bear was in a greater fright, + 

Beat down and worsted by the Knight. + 

He roar’d, and rag’d, and flung about, + 

To shake off bondage from his snout. + 

His wrath inflam’d, boil’d o’er, and from + 

His jaws of death he threw the foam: + 

Fury in stranger postures threw him, + 

And more than herald ever drew him. + 

He tore the earth which he had sav’d + 

From squelch of Knight, and storm’d and rav’d, + 

And vext the more because the harms + 

He felt were ’gainst the law of arms: + 

For men he always took to be + 

His friends, and dogs the enemy; + 

Who never so much hurt had done him, + 

As his own side did falling on him. + 

It griev’d him to the guts that they + 

For whom h’ had fought so many a fray, + 

And serv’d with loss of blood so long, + 

Shou’d offer such inhuman wrong; + 

Wrong of unsoldier-like condition: + 

For which he flung down his commission; + 

And laid about him, till his nose + 

From thrall of ring and cord broke loose. + 

Soon as he felt himself enlarg’d, + 

Through thickest of his foes he charg’d, + 

And made way through th’ amazed crew; + 

Some he o’erran, and some o’erthrew, + 

But took none; for by hasty flight + 

He strove t’ escape pursuit of Knight; + 

From whom he fled with as much haste + 

And dread as he the rabble chas’d. + 

In haste he fled, and so did they; + 

Each and his fear a several way. + 

Crowdero only kept the field; + 

Not stirring from the place he held, + 

Though beaten down and wounded sore, + 

I’ th’ fiddle, and a leg that bore + 

One side of him; not that of bone, + 

But much its better, th’ wooden one. + 

He spying Hudibras lie strow’d + 

Upon the ground, like log of wood, + 

With fright of fall, supposed wound, + 

And loss of urine, in a swound, + 

In haste he snatch’d the wooden limb, + 

That hurt i’ th’ ankle lay by him, + 

And fitting it for sudden fight, + 

Straight drew it up t’ attack the Knight; + 

For getting up on stump and huckle, + 

He with the foe began to buckle; + 

Vowing to be reveng’d for breach + 

Of crowd and skin upon the wretch, + 

Sole author of all detriment + 

He and his fiddle underwent. + 

But Ralpho (who had now begun + 

T’ adventure resurrection + 

From heavy squelch, and had got up + 

Upon his legs, with sprained crup) + 

Looking about, beheld pernicion + 

Approaching Knight from fell musician. + 

He snatch’d his whinyard up, that fled + 

When he was falling off his steed, + 

(As rats do from a falling house,) + 

To hide itself from rage of blows; + 

And, wing’d with speed and fury, flew + 

To rescue Knight from black and blue; + 

Which, e’er he could achieve, his sconce + 

The leg encounter’d twice and once; + 

And now ’twas rais’d to smite agen, + 

When Ralpho thrust himself between. + 

He took the blow upon his arm, + 

To shield the Knight from further harm; + 

And, joining wrath with force, bestow’d + 

On th’ wooden member such a load, + 

That down it fell, and with it bore + 

Crowdero, whom it propp’d before. + 

To him the Squire right nimbly run, + 

And setting conquering foot upon + 

His trunk, thus spoke: What desp’rate frenzy + 

Made thee (thou whelp of sin!) to fancy + 

Thyself, and all that coward rabble, + 

T’ encounter us in battle able? + 

How durst th’, I say, oppose thy curship + 

’Gainst arms, authority, and worship? + 

And Hudibras or me provoke, + 

Though all thy limbs, were heart of oak, + 

And th’ other half of thee as good + 

To bear out blows, as that of wood? + 

Could not the whipping-post prevail, + 

With all its rhet’ric, nor the jail, + 

To keep from flaying scourge thy skin, + 

And ankle free from iron gin? + 

Which now thou shalt⁠—But first our care + 

Must see how Hudibras doth fare. + 

This said, he gently rais’d the Knight, + 

And set him on his bum upright. + 

To rouse him from lethargic dump, + 

He tweak’d his nose; with gentle thump + 

Knock’d on his breast, as if ’t had been + 

To raise the spirits lodg’d within. + 

They, waken’d with the noise, did fly + 

From inward room to window eye; + 

And gently op’ning lid, the casement, + 

Look’d out, but yet with some amazement. + 

This gladded Ralpho much to see, + 

Who thus bespoke the Knight: quoth he, + 

Tweaking his nose, You are, great Sir, + 

A self-denying conqueror; + 

As high, victorious, and great, + 

As e’er fought for the churches yet, + 

If you will give yourself but leave + 

To make out what y’ already have; + 

That’s victory. The foe, for dread + 

Of your nine-worthiness, is fled; + 

All, save Crowdero, for whose sake + 

You did th’ espous’d cause undertake; + 

And he lies pris’ner at your feet, + 

To be dispos’d as you think meet; + 

Either for life, or death, or sale, + 

The gallows, or perpetual jail; + 

For one wink of your powerful eye + 

Must sentence him to live or die. + 

His fiddle is your proper purchase, + 

Won in the service of the churches; + 

And by your doom must be allow’d + 

To be, or be no more, a crowd. + 

For though success did not confer + 

Just title on the conqueror; + 

Though dispensations were not strong + 

Conclusions, whether right or wrong; + 

Although out-goings did confirm, + 

And owning were but a mere term; + 

Yet as the wicked have no right + 

To th’ creature, though usurp’d by might, + 

The property is in the saint, + 

From whom th’ injuriously detain ’t; + 

Of him they hold their luxuries, + 

Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice, + 

Their riots, revels, masks, delights, + 

Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites; + 

All which the saints have title to, + 

And ought t’ enjoy, if th’ had their due. + 

What we take from them is no more + 

Than what was our’s by right before; + 

For we are their true landlords still, + 

And they our tenants but at will. + 

At this the Knight began to rouse, + 

And by degrees grow valorous, + 

He star’d about, and seeing none + 

Of all his foes remain but one, + 

He snatch’d his weapon, that lay near him, + 

And from the ground began to rear him; + 

Vowing to make Crowdero pay + 

For all the rest that ran away. + 

But Ralpho now, in colder blood, + 

His fury mildly thus withstood: + 

Great Sir, quoth he, your mighty spirit + 

Is rais’d too high: this slave does merit + 

To be the hangman’s business, sooner + 

Than from your hand to have the honour + 

Of his destruction. I, that am + 

A nothingness in deed and name + 

Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcass, + 

Or ill intreat his fiddle or case: + 

Will you, great Sir, that glory blot + 

In cold blood which you gain’d in hot? + 

Will you employ your conqu’ring sword + 

To break a fiddle and your word? + 

For though I fought, and overcame, + 

And quarter gave, ’twas in your name, + 

For great commanders only own + 

What’s prosperous by the soldier done. + 

To save, where you have pow’r to kill, + 

Argues your pow’r above your will; + 

And that your will and pow’r have less + 

Than both might have of selfishness. + 

This pow’r which, now alive, with dread + 

He trembles at, if he were dead, + 

Would no more keep the slave in awe, + 

Than if you were a knight of straw: + 

For death would then be his conqueror; + 

Not you, and free him from that terror. + 

If danger from his life accrue, + 

Or honour from his death, to you, + 

’Twere policy, and honour too, + 

To do as you resolv’d to do; + 

But, Sir, ’twould wrong your valour much, + 

To say it needs or fears a crutch. + 

Great conquerors greater glory gain + 

By foes in triumph led, than slain: + 

The laurels that adorn their brows + 

Are pull’d from living not dead boughs, + 

And living foes: the greatest fame + 

Of cripple slain can be but lame. + 

One half of him’s already slain, + 

The other is not worth your pain; + 

Th’ honour can but on one side light, + 

As worship did, when y’ were dubb’d knight. + 

Wherefore I think it better far + 

To keep him prisoner of war, + 

And let him fast in bonds abide, + 

At court of justice to be try’d; + 

Where, if he appear so bold and crafty, + 

There may be danger in his safety. + 

If any member there dislike + 

His face, or to his beard have pique; + 

Or if his death will save or yield + 

Revenge or fright, it is reveal’d, + 

Though he has quarter, ne’er the less + 

Y’ have power to hang him when you please. + 

This has been often done by some + 

Of our great conqu’rors, you know whom; + 

And has by most of us been held + 

Wise Justice, and to some reveal’d: + 

For words and promises, that yoke + 

The conqueror, are quickly broke; + 

Like Samson’s cuffs, though by his own + 

Direction and advice put on. + 

For if we should fight for the Cause + 

By rules of military laws, + 

And only do what they call just, + 

The Cause would quickly fall to dust. + 

This we among ourselves may speak; + 

But to the wicked, or the weak, + 

We must be cautious to declare + 

Perfection-truths, such as these are. + 

This said, the high outrageous mettle + 

Of Knight began to cool and settle. + 

He lik’d the Squire’s advice, and soon + 

Resolv’d to see the business done; + 

And therefore charg’d him first to bind + 

Crowdero’s hands on rump behind, + 

And to its former place and use + 

The wooden member to reduce; + 

But force it take an oath before, + 

Ne’er to bear arms against him more. + 

Ralpho dispatched with speedy haste, + 

And having ty’d Crowdero fast, + 

He gave Sir Knight the end of cord, + 

To lead the captive of his sword + 

In triumph, whilst the steeds he caught, + 

And them to further service brought. + 

The Squire in state rode on before, + 

And on his nut-brown whinyard bore + 

The trophy-fiddle and the case, + 

Leaning on shoulder like a mace. + 

The Knight himself did after ride, + 

Leading Crowdero by his side; + 

And tow’d him, if he lagg’d behind, + 

Like boat against the tide and wind. + 

Thus grave and solemn they march’d on + 

Until quite thro’ the town th’ had gone; + 

At further end of which there stands + 

An ancient castle, that commands + 

Th’ adjacent parts: in all the fabric + 

You shall not see one stone nor a brick: + 

But all of wood; by pow’rful spell + 

Of magic made impregnable. + 

There’s neither iron-bar nor gate, + 

Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate, + 

And yet men durance there abide, + 

In dungeon scarce three inches wide; + 

With roof so low, that under it + 

They never stand, but lie or sit; + 

And yet so foul, that whoso ’s in, + 

Is to the middle-leg in prison; + 

In circle magical confin’d, + 

With walls of subtle air and wind, + 

Which none are able to break thorough, + 

Until they’re freed by head of borough. + 

Thither arriv’d, th’ advent’rous Knight + 

And bold Squire from their steeds alight + 

At th’ outward wall, near which there stands + 

A bastile, built to imprison hands; + 

By strange enchantment made to fetter + 

The lesser parts and free the greater; + 

For though the body may creep through, + 

The hands in grate are fast enough: + 

And when a circle ’bout the wrist + 

Is made by beadle exorcist, + 

The body feels the spur and switch, + 

As if ’twere ridden post by witch + 

At twenty miles an hour pace, + 

And yet ne’er stirs out of the place. + 

On top of this there is a spire, + 

On which Sir Knight first bids the Squire + 

The fiddle and its spoils, the case, + 

In manner of a trophy place. + 

That done, they ope the trap-door gate, + 

And let Crowdero down thereat; + 

Crowdero making doleful face, + 

Like hermit poor in pensive place. + 

To dungeon they the wretch commit, + 

And the survivor of his feet: + 

But th’ other, that had broke the peace + 

And head of knighthood, they release; + 

Though a delinquent false and forged, + 

Yet, being a stranger he’s enlarged, + 

While his comrade, that did no hurt, + 

Is clapp’d up fast in prison for’t. + 

So Justice, while she winks at crimes, + 

Stumbles on innocence sometimes. + 

Ah me! what perils do environ + 

The man that meddles with cold iron; + 

What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps + 

Do dog him still with after-claps! + 

For though dame Fortune seem to smile + 

And leer upon him for a while, + 

She’ll after show him, in the nick + 

Of all his glories, a dog-trick. + 

This any man may sing or say, + 

I’ th’ ditty call’d, What if a Day? + 

For Hudibras, who thought h’ had won + 

The field, as certain as a gun; + 

And having routed the whole troop, + 

With victory was cock-a-hoop; + 

Thinking h’ had done enough to purchase + 

Thanksgiving-day among the churches, + 

Wherein his mettle, and brave worth, + 

Might be explain’d by Holder-forth, + 

And register’d, by fame eternal, + 

In deathless pages of diurnal; + 

Found in few minutes, to his cost, + 

He did but count without his host; + 

And that a turnstile is more certain + 

Than, in events of war, dame Fortune. + 

For now the late faint-hearted rout, + 

O’erthrown, and scatter’d round about, + 

Chas’d by the horror of their fear, + 

From bloody fray of Knight and Bear + 

(All but the dogs, who, in pursuit + 

Of the Knight’s victory, stood to’t, + 

And most ignobly fought to get + 

The honour of his blood and sweat.) + 

Seeing the coast was free and clear + 

O’ th’ conquer’d and the conqueror, + 

Took heart again, and fac’d about, + 

As if they meant to stand it out: + 

For by this time the routed Bear, + 

Attack’d by th’ enemy i’ th’ rear, + 

Finding their number grew too great + 

For him to make a safe retreat, + 

Like a bold chieftain, fac’d about; + 

But wisely doubting to hold out, + 

Gave way to fortune, and with haste + 

Fac’d the proud foe, and fled, and fac’d; + 

Retiring still, until he found + 

H’ had got the advantage of the ground; + 

And then as valiantly made head + 

To check the foe, and forthwith fled; + 

Leaving no art untry’d, nor trick + 

Of warrior stout and politic, + 

Until, in spite of hot pursuit, + 

He gain’d a pass, to hold dispute + 

On better terms, and stop the course + 

Of the proud foe. With all his force + 

He bravely charg’d, and for a while + 

Forc’d their whole body to recoil; + 

But still their numbers so increas’d, + 

He found himself at length oppress’d; + 

And all evasions so uncertain, + 

To save himself for better fortune, + 

That he resolv’d, rather than yield, + 

To die with honour in the field, + 

And sell his hide and carcase at + 

A price as high and desperate + 

As e’er he could. This resolution + 

He forthwith put in execution, + 

And bravely threw himself among + 

The enemy i’ th’ greatest throng; + 

But what could single valour do + 

Against so numerous a foe? + 

Yet much he did, indeed too much + 

To be believ’d, where th’ odds were such. + 

But one against a multitude + 

Is more than mortal can make good: + 

For while one party he oppos’d, + 

His rear was suddenly enclosed; + 

And no room left him for retreat, + 

Or fight against a foe so great. + 

For now the mastiffs, charging home, + 

To blows and handy gripes were come: + 

While manfully himself he bore, + 

And setting his right foot before, + 

He rais’d himself, to show how tall + 

His person was above them all. + 

This equal shame and envy stirr’d + 

In th’ enemy, that one should beard + 

So many warriors, and so stout, + 

As he had done, and stav’d it out, + 

Disdaining to lay down his arms, + 

And yield on honourable terms. + 

Enraged thus, some in the rear + 

Attack’d him, and some ev’ry where, + 

Till down he fell; yet falling fought, + 

And, being down, still laid about; + 

As Widdrington, in doleful dumps, + 

Is said to light upon his stumps. + 

But all, alas! had been in vain, + 

And he inevitably slain, + 

If Trulla and Cerdon, in the nick, + 

To rescue him had not been quick; + 

For Trulla, who was light of foot + 

As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot, + 

(But not so light as to be borne + 

Upon the ears of standing corn, + 

Or trip it o’er the water quicker + 

Than witches, when their staves they liquor, + 

As some report,) was got among + 

The foremost of the martial throng: + 

There pitying the vanquish’d bear, + 

She call’d to Cerdon, who stood near, + 

Viewing the bloody fight; to whom, + 

Shall we (quoth she) stand still hum-drum, + 

And see stout Bruin all alone, + 

By numbers basely overthrown? + 

Such feats already h’ has achiev’d, + 

In story not to be believed; + 

And ’twould to us be shame enough, + 

Not to attempt to fetch him off. + 

I would (quoth he) venture a limb + 

To second thee, and rescue him; + 

But then we must about it straight, + 

Or else our aid will come too late. + 

Quarter he scorns, he is so stout, + 

And therefore cannot long hold out. + 

This said, they wav’d their weapons round + 

About their heads, to clear the ground; + 

And joining forces, laid about + 

So fiercely, that th’ amazed rout + 

Turn’d tail again, and straight begun, + 

As if the Devil drove, to run. + 

Meanwhile th’ approach’d th’ place where Bruin + 

Was now engag’d to mortal ruin. + 

The conqu’ring foe they soon assail’d; + 

First Trulla stav’d, and Cerdon tail’d, + 

Until their mastiffs loos’d their hold: + 

And yet, alas! do what they could, + 

The worsted Bear came off with store + 

Of bloody wounds, but all before: + 

For as Achilles, dipt in pond, + 

Was anabaptiz’d free from wound, + 

Made proof against dead-doing steel + 

All over, but the Pagan heel; + 

So did our champion’s arms defend + 

All of him, but the other end, + 

His head and ears, which, in the martial + 

Encounter, lost a leathern parcel: + 

For as an Austrian archduke once + 

Had one ear (which in ducatoons + 

Is half the coin) in battle par’d + 

Close to his head, so Bruin far’d; + 

But tugg’d and pull’d on th’ other side, + 

Like scriv’ner newly crucify’d; + 

Or like the late corrected leathern + 

Ears of the circumcised brethren. + 

But gentle Trulla into th’ ring + 

He wore in’s nose, convey’d a string, + 

With which she march’d before, and led + 

The warrior to a grassy bed. + 

As authors write, in a cool shade, + 

Which eglantine and roses made; + 

Close by a softly murm’ring stream, + 

Where lovers us’d to loll and dream. + 

There leaving him to his repose, + 

Secured from pursuit of foes, + 

And wanting nothing but a song, + 

And a well-tun’d theorbo hung + 

Upon a bough, to ease the pain + 

His tugg’d ears suffer’d, with a strain, + 

They both drew up, to march in quest + 

Of his great leader and the rest. + 

For Orsin (who was more renown’d + 

For stout maintaining of his ground + 

In standing fight, than for pursuit, + 

As being not so quick of foot) + 

Was not long able to keep pace + 

With others that pursu’d the chase; + 

But found himself left far behind, + 

Both out of heart and out of wind: + 

Griev’d to behold his bear pursu’d + 

So basely by a multitude; + 

And like to fall, not by the prowess, + 

But numbers of his coward foes. + 

He rag’d and kept as heavy a coil as + 

Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas; + 

Forcing the valleys to repeat + 

The accents of his sad regret. + 

He beat his breast, and tore his hair, + 

For loss of his dear crony bear; + 

That Echo, from the hollow ground, + 

His doleful wailings did resound + 

More wistfully, by many times, + 

Than in small poets splay-foot rhymes + 

That make her, in their rueful stories, + 

To answer to int’rogatories, + 

And most unconscionably depose + 

To things of which she nothing knows; + 

And when she has said all she can say, + 

’Tis wrested to the lover’s fancy. + 

Quoth he, O whither, wicked Bruin + 

Art thou fled? to my⁠—Echo, Ruin? + 

I thought th’ hadst scorn’d to budge a step + 

For fear. Quoth Echo, Marry guep. + 

Am not I here to take thy part? + 

Then what has quelled thy stubborn heart? + 

Have these bones rattled, and this head + 

So often in thy quarrel bled? + 

Nor did I ever winch or grudge it, + 

For thy dear sake. Quoth she, Mum budget. + 

Think’st thou ’twill not be laid i’ th’ dish + 

Thou turn’dst thy back? Quoth Echo, Pish. + 

To run from those th’ hast overcome + 

Thus cowardly? Quoth Echo, Mum. + 

But what a vengeance makes thee fly + 

From me, too, as thine enemy? + 

Or if thou hast no thought of me, + 

Nor what I have endur’d for thee, + 

Yet shame and honour might prevail + 

To keep thee thus from turning tail: + 

For who would grudge to spend his blood in + 

His honour’s cause? Quoth she, A puddin. + 

This said, his grief to anger turn’d, + 

Which in his manly stomach burn’d; + 

Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in place + 

Of sorrow, now began to blaze. + 

He vow’d the authors of his woe + 

Should equal vengeance undergo; + 

And with their bones and flesh pay dear + 

For what he suffer’d, and his bear. + 

This b’ing resolv’d, with equal speed + 

And rage he hasted to proceed + 

To action straight; and giving o’er + 

To search for Bruin any more, + 

He went in quest of Hudibras, + 

To find him out where’er he was; + 

And, if he were above ground, vow’d + 

He’d ferret him, lurk where he would. + 

But scarce had he a furlong on + 

This resolute adventure gone, + 

When he encounter’d with that crew + 

Whom Hudibras did late subdue. + 

Honour, revenge, contempt, and shame, + 

Did equally their breasts inflame. + 

’Mong these the fierce Magnano was, + 

And Talgol, foe to Hudibras; + 

Cerdon and Colon, warriors stout, + 

As resolute, as ever fought; + 

Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke: + 

Shall we (quoth he) thus basely brook + 

The vile affront that paltry ass, + 

And feeble scoundrel Hudibras, + 

With that more paltry ragamuffin, + 

Ralpho, with vapouring and huffing, + 

Have put upon us like tame cattle, + 

As if th’ had routed us in battle! + 

For my part, it shall ne’er be said, + 

I for the washing gave my head: + 

Nor did I turn my back for fear + 

O’ th’ rascals, but loss of my bear, + 

Which now I’m like to undergo; + 

For whether those fell wounds, or no, + 

He has receiv’d in fight, are mortal, + 

Is more than all my skill can foretell + 

Nor do I know what is become + 

Of him, more than the pope of Rome. + 

But if I can but find them out + 

That caus’d it (as I shall, no doubt, + 

Where’er th’ in hugger-mugger lurk) + 

I’ll make them rue their handy-work; + 

And wish that they had rather dar’d + 

To pull the devil by the beard. + 

Quoth Cerdon, Noble Orsin, th’ hast + 

Great reason to do as thou say’st, + 

And so has ev’ry body here, + 

As well as thou hast or thy bear. + 

Others may do as they see good; + 

But if this twig be made of wood + 

That will hold tack, I’ll make the fur + 

Fly ’bout the ears of that old cur; + 

And th’ other mongrel vermin, Ralph, + 

That brav’d us all in his behalf. + 

Thy bear is safe, and out of peril, + 

Though lugg’d indeed, and wounded very ill; + 

Myself and Trulla made a shift + 

To help him out at a dead lift; + 

And having brought him bravely off, + 

Have left him where he’s safe enough: + 

There let him rest; for if we stay, + 

The slaves may hap to get away. + 

This said, they all engag’d to join + 

Their forces in the same design; + 

And forthwith put themselves in search + 

Of Hudibras upon their march. + 

Where leave we awhile, to tell + 

What the victorious knight befell: + 

For such, Crowdero being fast + 

In dungeon shut, we left him last. + 

Triumphant laurels seem’d to grow + 

No where so green as on his brow; + 

Laden with which, as well as tir’d + 

With conquering toil he now retir’d + 

Unto a neighb’ring castle by, + 

To rest his body, and apply + 

Fit med’cines to each glorious bruise + 

He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues, + 

To mollify the uneasy pang + 

Of ev’ry honourable bang, + 

Which b’ing by skilful midwife drest, + 

He laid him down to take his rest. + 

But all in vain. H’ had got a hurt + 

O’ th’ inside, of a deadlier sort, + 

By Cupid made, who took his stand + 

Upon a widow’s jointure land, + 

(For he, in all his am’rous battles, + 

No ’dvantage finds like goods and chattels,) + 

Drew home his bow, and, aiming right, + 

Let fly an arrow at the Knight: + 

The shaft against a rib did glance, + 

And gall’d him in the purtenance. + 

But time had somewhat ’suag’d his pain + 

After he found his suit in vain. + 

For that proud dame, for whom his soul + 

Was burnt in ’s belly like a coal, + 

(That belly which so oft did ake + 

And suffer griping for her sake, + 

Till purging comfits and ants’-eggs + 

Had almost brought him off his legs,) + 

Us’d him so like a base rascallion, + 

That old Pyg⁠—(what d’y’ call him) malion, + 

That cut his mistress out of stone, + 

Had not so hard a hearted one. + 

She had a thousand Jadish tricks, + 

Worse than a mule that flings and kicks; + 

’Mong which one cross-grain’d freak she had, + 

As insolent as strange and mad; + 

She could love none, but only such + 

As scorn’d and hated her as much. + 

’Twas a strange riddle of a lady: + 

Not love, if any lov’d her! Hey-dey! + 

So cowards never use their might, + 

But against such as will not fight; + 

So some diseases have been found + 

Only to seize upon the sound. + 

He that gets her by heart, must say her + 

The back way, like a witch’s prayer. + 

Meanwhile the Knight had no small task + 

To compass what he durst not ask. + 

He loves, but dares not make the motion; + 

Her ignorance is his devotion: + 

Like caitiff vile, that, for misdeed, + 

Rides with his face to rump of steed, + 

Or rowing scull, he’s fain to love, + 

Look one way, and another move; + 

Or like a tumbler, that does play + 

His game, and look another way, + 

Until he seize upon the cony; + 

Just so he does by matrimony: + 

But all in vain; her subtle snout + 

Did quickly wind his meaning out; + 

Which she return’d with too much scorn + 

To be by man of honour borne: + 

Yet much he bore, until the distress + 

He suffer’d from his spiteful mistress + 

Did stir his stomach; and the pain + 

He had endur’d from her disdain, + 

Turn’d to regret so resolute, + 

That he resolv’d to wave his suit, + 

And either to renounce her quite, + 

Or for a while play least in sight. + 

This resolution b’ing put on, + 

He kept some months, and more had done, + 

But being brought so nigh by fate, + 

The victory he achiev’d so late + 

Did set his thoughts agog, and ope + 

A door to discontinu’d hope, + 

That seem’d to promise he might win + 

His dame too, now his hand was in; + 

And that his valour, and the honour + 

H’ had newly gain’d, might work upon her. + 

These reasons made his mouth to water + 

With am’rous longings to be at her. + 

Quoth he, unto himself, Who knows, + 

But this brave conquest o’er my foes + 

May reach her heart, and make that stoop, + 

As I but now have forc’d the troop? + 

If nothing can oppugn love, + 

And virtue invious ways can prove, + 

What may he not confide to do + 

That brings both love and virtue too? + 

But thou bring’st valour too and wit: + 

Two things that seldom fail to hit. + 

Valour’s a mouse-trap, wit a gin, + 

Which women oft are taken in. + 

Then, Hudibras, why should’st thou fear + 

To be, that art a conqueror? + 

Fortune th’ audacious doth juvare, + 

But lets the timidous miscarry. + 

Then while the honour thou hast got + 

Is spick and span new, piping hot, + 

Strike her up bravely, thou hadst best, + 

And trust thy fortune with the rest. + 

Such thoughts as these the Knight did keep, + 

More than his bangs or fleas, from sleep. + 

And as an owl, that in a barn + 

Sees a mouse creeping in the corn, + 

Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes, + 

As if he slept, until he spies + 

The little beast within his reach, + 

Then starts, and seizes on the wretch; + 

So from his couch the Knight did start + 

To seize upon the widow’s heart; + 

Crying with hasty tone, and hoarse, + 

Ralpho, dispatch; to horse, to horse. + 

And ’twas but time; for now the rout, + 

We left engag’d to seek him out, + 

By speedy marches, were advanc’d + 

Up to the fort, where he ensconc’d; + 

And all th’ avenues had possest + 

About the place, from east to west. + 

That done, a while they made a halt, + 

To view the ground, and where t’ assault: + 

Then call’d a council, which was best, + 

By siege or onslaught, to invest + 

The enemy; and ’twas agreed, + 

By storm and onslaught to proceed. + 

This b’ing resolv’d, in comely sort + 

They now drew up t’ attack the fort: + 

When Hudibras, about to enter + 

Upon another-gates adventure, + 

To Ralpho call’d aloud to arm, + 

Not dreaming of approaching storm. + 

Whether dame Fortune, or the care + 

Of angel bad or tutelar, + 

Did arm, or thrust him on a danger + 

To which he was an utter stranger, + 

That foresight might, or might not, blot + 

The glory he had newly got; + 

For to his shame it might be said, + 

They took him napping in his bed; + 

To them we leave it to expound, + 

That deal in sciences profound. + 

His courser scarce he had bestrid, + 

And Ralpho that on which he rid, + 

When setting ope the postern gate, + 

Which they thought best to sally at, + 

The foe appear’d, drawn up and drill’d, + 

Ready to charge them in the field. + 

This somewhat startled the bold Knight, + 

Surpris’d with th’ unexpected sight: + 

The bruises of his bones and flesh + 

He thought began to smart afresh; + 

Till recollecting wonted courage, + 

His fear was soon converted to rage, + 

And thus he spoke: The coward foe, + 

Whom we but now gave quarter to, + 

Look, yonder’s rally’d, and appears + 

As if they had outrun their fears. + 

The glory we did lately get, + 

The Fates command us to repeat; + 

And to their wills we must succumb, + 

Quocunque trahunt, ’tis our doom. + 

This is the same numeric crew + 

Which we so lately did subdue; + 

The self-same individuals that + 

Did run as mice do from a cat, + 

When we courageously did wield + 

Our martial weapons in the field, + 

To tug for victory; and when + 

We shall our shining blades agen + 

Brandish in terror o’er our heads, + 

They’ll straight resume their wonted dreads. + 

Fear is an ague, that forsakes + 

And haunts by fits those whom it takes; + 

And they’ll opine they feel the pain + 

And blows they felt to-day again. + 

Then let us boldly charge them home, + 

And make no doubt to overcome. + 

This said, his courage to inflame, + 

He call’d upon his mistress’ name. + 

His pistol next he cock’d anew, + 

And out his nut-brown whinyard drew; + 

And, placing Ralpho in the front, + 

Reserv’d himself to bear the brunt, + 

As expert warriors use: then ply’d + 

With iron heel his courser’s side, + 

Conveying sympathetic speed + 

From heel of Knight to heel of steed. + 

Meanwhile the foe, with equal rage + 

And speed, advancing to engage; + 

Both parties now were drawn so close, + 

Almost to come to handy-blows; + 

When Orsin first let fly a stone + 

At Ralpho; not so huge a one + 

As that which Diomed did maul + 

Aeneas on the bum withal; + 

Yet big enough, if rightly hurl’d, + 

T’ have sent him to another world, + 

Whether above-ground, or below, + 

Which saints twice dipt are destin’d to. + 

The danger startled the bold Squire, + 

And made him some few steps retire; + 

But Hudibras advanc’d to’ ’s aid, + 

And rous’d his spirits, half dismay’d. + 

He, wisely doubting lest the shot + 

Of th’ enemy, now growing hot, + 

Might at a distance gall, press’d close, + 

To come pell-mell to handy-blows, + 

And, that he might their aim decline, + 

Advanc’d still in an oblique line; + 

But prudently forbore to fire, + 

Till breast to breast he had got nigher, + 

As expert warriors use to do + 

When hand to hand they charge their foe. + 

This order the advent’rous Knight, + 

Most soldier-like, observ’d in fight, + 

When fortune (as she’s wont) turn’d fickle, + 

And for the foe began to stickle. + 

The more shame for her goodyship, + 

To give so near a friend the slip. + 

For Colon, choosing out a stone, + 

Levell’d so right, it thump’d upon + 

His manly paunch with such a force, + 

As almost beat him off his horse. + 

He lost his whinyard, and the rein; + 

But, laying fast hold of the mane, + 

Preserv’d his seat; and as a goose + 

In death contracts his talons close, + 

So did the Knight, and with one claw + 

The trigger of his pistol draw. + 

The gun went off: and as it was + 

Still fatal to stout Hudibras, + 

In all his feats of arms, when least + 

He dreamt of it, to prosper best, + 

So now he far’d: the shot, let fly + 

At random ’mong the enemy, + 

Pierc’d Talgol’s gaberdine, and grazing + 

Upon his shoulder, in the passing, + 

Lodg’d in Magnano’s brass habergeon, + 

Who straight, A surgeon! cry’d, a surgeon! + 

He tumbled down, and, as he fell, + 

Did Murther! Murther! Murther! yell. + 

This startled their whole body so, + 

That if the Knight had not let go + 

His arms, but been in warlike plight, + 

H’ had won (the second time) the fight; + 

As, if the Squire had but fall’n on, + 

He had inevitably done: + 

But he, diverted with the care + 

Or Hudibras his hurt, forbare + 

To press th’ advantage of his fortune, + 

While danger did the rest dishearten: + 

For he with Cerdon b’ing engag’d + 

In close encounter, they both wag’d + 

The fight so well, ’twas hard to say + 

Which side was like to get the day. + 

And now the busy work of death + 

Had tir’d them, so th’ agreed to breathe, + 

Preparing to renew the fight, + 

When the disaster of the Knight, + 

And th’ other party, did divert + 

Their fell intent, and forc’d them part. + 

Ralpho press’d up to Hudibras, + 

And Cerdon where Magnano was; + 

Each striving to confirm his party + 

With stout encouragements and hearty. + 

Quoth Ralpho, Courage, valiant Sir, + 

And let revenge and honour stir + 

Your spirits up: once more fall on, + 

The shatter’d foe begins to run: + 

For if but half so well you knew + 

To use your victory as subdue, + 

They durst not, after such a blow + 

As you have given them, face us now; + 

But from so formidable a soldier + 

Had fled like crows when they smell powder. + 

Thrice have they seen your sword aloft + 

Wav’d o’er their heads, and fled as oft; + 

But if you let them recollect + 

Their spirits, now dismay’d and checkt, + 

You’ll have a harder game to play + 

Than yet y’ have had to get the day. + 

Thus spoke the stout Squire; but was heard + 

By Hudibras with small regard. + 

His thoughts were fuller of the bang + 

Be lately took, than Ralph’s harangue; + 

To which he answer’d, Cruel Fate + 

Tells me thy counsel comes too late. + 

The knotted blood within my hose, + 

That from my wounded body flows, + 

With mortal crisis doth portend + 

My days to appropinque an end. + 

I am for action now unfit, + 

Either of fortitude or wit: + 

Fortune, my foe, begins to frown, + 

Resolv’d to pull my stomach down. + 

I am not apt, upon a wound, + 

Or trivial basting, to despond: + 

Yet I’d be loth my days to curtail: + 

For if I thought my wounds not mortal, + 

Or that we’d time enough as yet + 

To make an hon’rable retreat, + 

’Twere the best course: but if they find + 

We fly, and leave our arms behind + 

For them to seize on, the dishonour, + 

And danger too, is such, I’ll sooner + 

Stand to it boldly, and take quarter, + 

To let them see I am no starter. + 

In all the trade of war, no feat + 

Is nobler than a brave retreat: + 

For those that run away, and fly, + 

Take place at least of th’ enemy. + 

This said, the Squire with active speed + 

Dismounted from his bony steed, + 

To seize the arms, which, by mischance, + 

Fell from the bold Knight in a trance. + 

These being found out, and restor’d + 

To Hudibras, their natural lord, + 

As a man may say, with might and main + 

He hasted to get up again. + 

Thrice he assay’d to mount aloft, + 

But, by his weighty bum, as oft + 

He was pull’d back, till having found + 

Th’ advantage of the rising ground, + 

Thither he led his warlike steed, + 

And having plac’d him right, with speed + 

Prepar’d again to scale the beast; + 

When Orsin, who had newly dress’d + 

The bloody scar upon the shoulder + 

Of Talgol with Promethean powder, + 

And now was searching for the shot + 

That laid Magnano on the spot, + 

Beheld the sturdy Squire aforesaid + 

Preparing to climb up his horse’ side. + 

He left his cure, and laying hold + 

Upon his arms, with courage bold, + 

Cry’d out, ’Tis now no time to dally, + 

The enemy begin to rally; + 

Let us, that are unhurt and whole, + 

Fall on, and happy man be’s dole. + 

This said, like to a thunderbolt, + 

He flew with fury to th’ assault, + 

Striving the enemy to attack + 

Before he reach’d his horse’s back. + 

Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten + 

O’erthwart his beast with active vau’ting, + 

Wriggling his body to recover + 

His seat, and cast his right leg over, + 

When Orsin, rushing in, bestow’d + 

On horse and man so heavy a load, + 

The beast was startled, and begun + 

To kick and fling like mad, and run, + 

Bearing the tough Squire like a sack, + 

Or stout king Richard, on his back; + 

Till stumbling, he threw him down, + 

Sore bruis’d, and cast into a swoon. + 

Meanwhile the Knight began to rouse + 

The sparkles of his wonted prowess: + 

He thrust his hand into his hose, + 

And found, both by his eyes and nose, + 

’Twas only choler, and not blood, + 

That from his wounded body flow’d. + 

This, with the hazard of the Squire, + 

Inflam’d him with despiteful ire: + 

Courageously he fac’d about, + 

And drew his other pistol out, + 

And now had half way bent the cock, + 

When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock, + 

With sturdy truncheon, ’thwart his arm, + 

That down it fell, and did no harm: + 

Then stoutly pressing on with speed, + 

Assay’d to pull him off his steed. + 

The Knight his sword had only left, + 

With which he Cerdon’s head had cleft, + 

Or at the least cropt off a limb, + 

But Orsin came, and rescu’d him. + 

He, with his lance, attack’d the Knight + 

Upon his quarters opposite: + 

But as a bark, that in foul weather, + 

Toss’d by two adverse winds together, + 

Is bruis’d, and beaten to and fro, + 

And knows not which to turn him to; + 

So far’d the Knight between two foes, + 

And knew not which of them t’oppose; + 

Till Orsin, charging with his lance + 

At Hudibras, by spiteful chance, + 

Hit Cerdon such a bang, as stunn’d + 

And laid him flat upon the ground. + 

At this the Knight began to cheer up, + 

And, raising up himself on stirrup, + 

Cry’d out, Victoria! lie thou there, + 

And I shall straight dispatch another, + 

To bear thee company in death; + 

But first I’ll halt a while, and breathe: + 

As well he might; for Orsin, griev’d + 

At th’ wound that Cerdon had receiv’d, + 

Ran to relieve him with his lore, + 

And cure the hurt he gave before. + 

Meanwhile the Knight had wheel’d about, + 

To breathe himself, and next find out + 

Th’ advantage of the ground, where best + 

He might the ruffled foe infest. + 

This b’ing resolv’d, he spurr’d his steed, + 

To run at Orsin with full speed, + 

While he was busy in the care + 

Of Cerdon’s wound, and unaware; + 

But he was quick, and had already + 

Unto the part apply’d remedy; + 

And, seeing th’ enemy prepar’d, + 

Drew up, and stood upon his guard. + 

Then, like a warrior right expert + 

And skilful in the martial art, + 

The subtle Knight straight made a halt, + 

And judg’d it best to stay th’ assault, + 

Until he had reliev’d the Squire, + 

And then in order to retire; + 

Or, as occasion should invite, + 

With forces join’d renew the fight. + 

Ralpho, by this time disentranc’d, + 

Upon his bum himself advanc’d, + 

Though sorely bruis’d; his limbs all o’er + 

With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore. + 

Right fain he would have got upon + 

His feet again, to get him gone, + 

When Hudibras to aid him came: + 

Quoth he (and call’d him by his name,) + 

Courage! the day at length is ours; + 

And we once more, as conquerors, + 

Have both the field and honour won: + 

The foe is profligate, and run. + 

I mean all such as can; for some + 

This hand hath sent to their long home; + 

And some lie sprawling on the ground, + 

With many a gash and bloody wound. + 

Caesar himself could never say + 

He got two victories in a day, + 

As I have done, that can say, Twice I + 

In one day, Veni, Vidi, Vici. + 

The foe’s so numerous, that we + 

Cannot so often vincere + 

As they perire, and yet enow + 

Be left to strike an after-blow; + 

Then, lest they rally, and once more + 

Put us to fight the bus’ness o’er, + 

Get up, and mount thy steed: Dispatch, + 

And let us both their motions watch. + 

Quoth Ralph, I should not, if I were + 

In case for action, now be here: + 

Nor have I turn’d my back, or hang’d + 

An arse, for fear of being bang’d. + 

It was for you I got these harms, + 

Advent’ring to fetch off your arms. + 

The blows and drubs I have receiv’d + 

Have bruis’d my body, and bereav’d + 

My limbs of strength. Unless you stoop, + 

And reach your hand to pull me up, + 

I shall lie here, and be a prey + 

To those who now are run away. + 

That thou shalt not (quoth Hudibras;) + 

We read the ancients held it was + 

More honourable far, servare + 

Civem, than slay an adversary: + 

The one we oft to-day have done, + 

The other shall dispatch anon: + 

And though th’ art of a different church, + 

I will not leave thee in the lurch. + 

This said, he jogg’d his good steed nigher, + 

And steer’d him gently towards the Squire; + 

Then bowing down his body, stretch’d + 

His hand out, and at Ralpho reach’d; + 

When Trulla, whom he did not mind, + 

Charg’d him like lightening behind. + 

She had been long in search about + 

Magnano’s wound, to find it out; + 

But could find none, nor where the shot, + 

That had so startled him, was got: + 

But having found the worst was past, + 

She fell to her own work at last, + 

The pillage of the prisoners, + 

Which in all feats of arms was hers; + 

And now to plunder Ralph she flew, + 

When Hudibras his hard fate drew + 

To succour him; for, as he bow’d + 

To help him up, she laid a load + 

Of blows so heavy, and plac’d so well, + 

On t’ other side, that down he fell. + 

Yield, scoundrel base (quoth she,) or die: + 

Thy life is mine, and liberty: + 

But if thou think’st I took thee tardy, + 

And dar’st presume to be so hardy, + 

To try thy fortune o’er afresh, + 

I’ll wave my title to thy flesh; + 

Thy arms and baggage, now my right; + 

And if thou hast the heart to try ’t, + 

I’ll lend thee back thyself a while, + 

And once more, for that carcass vile, + 

Fight upon tick.⁠—Quoth Hudibras, + 

Thou offer’st nobly, valiant lass, + 

And I shall take thee at thy word. + 

First let me rise and take my sword; + 

That sword which has so oft this day + 

Through squadrons of my foes made way, + 

And some to other worlds dispatch’d, + 

Now with a feeble spinster match’d, + 

Will blush with blood ignoble stain’d, + 

By which no honour’s to be gain’d. + 

But if thou’lt take m’ advice in this, + 

Consider whilst thou may’st, what ’tis + 

To interrupt a victor’s course, + 

B’ opposing such a trivial force: + 

For if with conquest I come off, + 

(And that I shall do, sure enough,) + 

Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace, + 

By law of arms, in such a case; + 

Both which I now do offer freely. + 

I scorn (quoth she) thou coxcomb silly, + 

(Clapping her hand upon her breech, + 

To show how much she priz’d his speech,) + 

Quarter or counsel from a foe; + 

If thou can’st force me to it, do. + 

But lest it should again be said, + 

When I have once more won thy head, + 

I took thee napping, unprepar’d, + 

Arm, and betake thee to thy guard. + 

This said, she to her tackle fell, + 

And on the Knight let fall a peal + 

Of blows so fierce, and press’d so home, + 

That he retir’d, and follow’d ’s bum. + 

Stand to ’t (quoth she) or yield to mercy: + 

It is not fighting arsie-versie + 

Shall serve thy turn.⁠—This stirr’d his spleen + 

More than the danger he was in, + 

The blows he felt, or was to feel, + 

Although th’ already made him reel. + 

Honour, despight, revenge and shame, + 

At once into his stomach came, + 

Which fir’d it so, he rais’d his arm + 

Above his head, and rain’d a storm + 

Of blows so terrible and thick, + 

As if he meant to hash her quick. + 

But she upon her truncheon took them, + 

And by oblique diversion broke them, + 

Waiting an opportunity + 

To pay all back with usury, + 

Which long she fail’d not of; for now + 

The Knight with one dead-doing blow + 

Resolving to decide the fight, + 

And she with quick and cunning slight, + 

Avoiding it, the force and weight + 

He charg’d upon it was so great, + 

As almost sway’d him to the ground. + 

No sooner she th’ advantage found, + 

But in she flew; and seconding + 

With home-made thrust the heavy swing, + 

She laid him flat upon his side; + 

And mounting on his trunk astride, + 

Quoth she, I told thee what would come + 

Of all thy vapouring, base scum. + 

Say, will the law of arms allow + 

I may have grace and quarter now? + 

Or wilt thou rather break thy word, + 

And stain thine honour, than thy sword? + 

A man of war to damn his soul, + 

In basely breaking his parole; + 

And when, before the fight, th’ had’st vow’d + 

To give no quarter in cold blood + 

Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, + 

To make me ’gainst my will take quarter; + 

Why dost not put me to the sword, + 

But cowardly fly from thy word? + 

Quoth Hudibras, The day’s thine own; + 

Thou and thy stars have cast me down; + 

My laurels are transplanted now, + 

And flourish on thy conqu’ring brow: + 

My loss of honour’s great enough, + 

Thou need’st not brand it with a scoff: + 

Sarcasms may eclipse thine own, + 

But cannot blur my lost renown. + 

I am not now in Fortune’s power; + 

He that is down can fall no lower. + 

The ancient heroes were illustrious + 

For being benign, and not blustrous, + 

Against a vanquish’d foe: their swords + 

Were sharp and trenchant, not their words; + 

And did in fight but cut work out + 

T’ employ their courtesies about. + 

Quoth she, Although thou hast deserv’d, + 

Base slubberdegullion, to be serv’d + 

As thou did’st vow to deal with me, + 

If thou had’st got the victory; + 

Yet I shall rather act a part + 

That suits my fame than thy desert. + 

Thy arms, thy liberty, beside + 

All that’s on th’ outside of thy hide, + 

Are mine by military law, + 

Of which I will not hate one straw: + 

The rest, thy life and limbs, once more, + 

Though doubly forfeit, I restore, + 

Quoth Hudibras, It is too late + 

For me to treat or stipulate: + 

What thou command’st, I must obey: + 

Yet those whom I expugn’d to-day + 

Of thine own party, I let go, + 

And gave them life and freedom too: + 

Both dogs and bear, upon their parole, + 

Whom I took pris’ners in this quarrel. + 

Quoth Trulla, Whether thou or they + 

Let one another run away, + 

Concerns not me: but was’t not thou + 

That gave Crowdero quarter too? + 

Crowdero, whom, in irons bound, + 

Thou basely threw’st into Lob’s pound, + 

Where still he lies, and with regret + 

His gen’rous bowels rage and fret. + 

But now thy carcass shall redeem + 

And serve to be exchang’d for him. + 

This said, the Knight did straight submit, + 

And laid his weapons at her feet. + 

Next he disrob’d his gaberdine, + 

And with it did himself resign. + 

She took it, and forthwith divesting + 

The mantle that she wore, said jesting, + 

Take that, and wear it for my sake; + 

Then threw it o’er his sturdy back, + 

And as the French, we conquer’d once, + 

Now give us laws for pantaloons, + 

The length of breeches, and the gathers, + 

Port-cannons, periwigs, and feathers; + 

Just so the proud insulting lass + 

Array’d and dighted Hudibras. + 

Meanwhile the other champions, yerst + 

In hurry of the fight disperst, + 

Arriv’d when Trulla won the day, + 

To share in th’ honour and the prey, + 

And out of Hudibras his hide + 

With vengeance to be satisfy’d; + 

Which now they were about to pour + 

Upon him in a wooden show’r; + 

But Trulla thrust herself between, + 

And striding o’er his back agen, + 

She brandish’d o’er her head his sword, + 

And vow’d they should not break her word: + 

Sh’ had giv’n him quarter, and her blood + 

Or theirs should make that quarter good; + 

For she was bound, by law of arms, + 

To see him safe from further harms, + 

In dungeon deep Crowdero, cast + 

By Hudibras, as yet lay fast; + 

Where, to the hard and ruthless stones, + 

His great heart made perpetual moans: + 

Him she resolv’d that Hudibras + 

Should ransom, and supply his place. + 

This stopp’d their fury, and the basting + 

Which toward Hudibras was hasting. + 

They thought it was but just and right + 

That what she had achiev’d in fight + 

She should dispose of how she pleas’d; + 

Crowdero ought to be releas’d: + 

Nor could that any way be done + 

So well as this she pitch’d upon: + 

For who a better could imagine? + 

This therefore they resolv’d t’ engage in. + 

The Knight and Squire first they made + 

Rise from the ground where they were laid; + 

Then mounted both upon their horses, + 

But with their faces to the arses; + 

Orsin led Hudibras’s beast, + 

And Talgol that which Ralpho prest, + 

Whom stout Magnano, valiant Cerdon, + 

And Colon, waited as a guard on; + 

All ush’ring Trulla in the rear, + 

With th’ arms of either prisoner. + 

In this proud order and array + 

They put themselves upon their way, + 

Striving to reach th’ enchanted castle, + 

Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still. + 

Thither with greater speed than shows + 

And triumph over conquer’d foes + 

Do use t’ allow, or than the bears + 

Or pageants borne before lord mayors + 

Are wont to use, they soon arriv’d + 

In order, soldier-like contriv’d; + 

Still marching in a warlike posture, + 

As fit for battle as for muster. + 

The Knight and Squire they first unhorse, + 

And bending ’gainst the fort their force, + 

They all advanc’d, and round about + 

Begirt the magical redoubt. + 

Magnan led up in this adventure, + 

And made way for the rest to enter; + 

For he was skilful in black art, + 

No less than he that built the fort; + 

And with an iron mace laid flat + 

A breach, which straight all enter’d at, + 

And in the wooden dungeon found + 

Crowdero laid upon the ground. + 

Him they release from durance base, + 

Restor’d t’ his fiddle and his case, + 

And liberty, his thirsty rage + 

With luscious vengeance to assuage: + 

For he no sooner was at large, + 

But Trulla straight brought on the charge, + 

And in the self-same limbo put + 

The Knight and Squire where he was shut; + 

Where leaving them in Hockley i’ th’ Hole, + 

Their bangs and durance to condole, + 

Confin’d and conjur’d into narrow + 

Enchanted mansion to know sorrow, + 

In the same order and array + 

Which they advanc’d, they march’d away. + 

But Hudibras who scorn’d to stoop + 

To Fortune, or be said to droop, + 

Cheer’d up himself with ends of verse, + 

And sayings of philosophers. + 

Quoth he, Th’ one half of man, his mind, + 

Is, sui juris, unconfin’d, + 

And cannot be laid by the heels, + 

Whate’er the other moiety feels. + 

’Tis not restraint or liberty + 

That makes men prisoners or free; + 

But perturbations that possess + 

The mind, or aequanimities. + 

The whole world was not half so wide + 

To Alexander, when he cry’d, + 

Because he had but one to subdue, + 

As was a paltry narrow tub to + 

Diogenes, who is not said + 

(For aught that ever I could read) + 

To whine, put finger i’ th’ eye, and sob, + 

Because h’ had ne’er another tub. + 

The ancients make two sev’ral kinds + 

Of prowess in heroic minds; + 

The active, and the passive valiant; + 

Both which are pari libra gallant: + 

For both to give blows, and to carry, + 

In fights are equi-necessary: + 

But in defeats, the passive stout + 

Are always found to stand it out + 

Most desp’rately, and to outdo + 

The active ’gainst the conqu’ring foe. + 

Though we with blacks and blues are suggill’d, + 

Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgell’d; + 

He that is valiant, and dares fight, + 

Though drubb’d, can lose no honour by’t. + 

Honour’s a lease for lives to come, + 

And cannot be extended from + 

The legal tenant; ’tis a chattel + 

Not to be forfeited in battle. + 

If he that in the field is slain, + 

Be in the bed of honour lain, + 

He that is beaten may be said + 

To lie in honour’s truckle-bed. + 

For as we see th’ eclipsed sun + 

By mortals is more gaz’d upon, + 

Than when, adorn’d with all his light, + 

He shines in serene sky most bright; + 

So valour, in a low estate, + 

Is most admir’d and wonder’d at. + 

Quoth Ralph, How great I do not know + 

We may by being beaten grow; + 

But none, that see how here we sit, + 

Will judge us overgrown with wit. + 

As gifted brethren, preaching by + 

A carnal hour-glass, do imply, + 

Illumination can convey + 

Into them what they have to say, + 

But not how much; so well enough + 

Know you to charge, but not draw off: + 

For who, without a cap and bauble, + 

Having subdu’d a bear and rabble, + 

And might with honour have come off, + 

Would put it to a second proof? + 

A politic exploit, right fit + 

For Presbyterian zeal and wit. + 

Quoth Hudibras, That cuckoo’s tone, + 

Ralpho, thou always harp’st upon. + 

When thou at any thing would’st rail, + 

Thou mak’st Presbytery the scale + 

To take the height on’t, and explain + 

To what degree it is profane: + 

Whats’ever will not with (thy what d’ye call) + 

Thy light jump right, thou call’st synodical; + 

As if Presbytery were the standard + 

To size whats’ever ’s to be slander’d. + 

Dost not remember how this day, + 

Thou to my beard wast bold to say, + 

That thou coud’st prove bear-baiting equal + 

With synods orthodox and legal? + 

Do if thou canst; for I deny’t, + 

And dare thee to ’t with all thy light. + 

Quoth Ralpho, Truly that is no + 

Hard matter for a man to do, + 

That has but any guts in ’s brains, + 

And could believe it worth his pains; + 

But since you dare and urge me to it, + 

You’ll find I’ve light enough to do it. + 

Synods are mystical bear-gardens, + 

Where elders, deputies, churchwardens, + 

And other members of the court, + 

Manage the Babylonish sport; + 

For prolocutor, scribe, and bear-ward, + 

Do differ only in a mere word; + 

Both are but sev’ral synagogues + 

Of carnal men, and bears, and dogs: + 

Both anti-christian assemblies, + 

To mischief bent, far as in them lies; + 

Both stave and tail with fierce contests, + 

The one with men, the other beasts. + 

The diff’rence is, the one fights with + 

The tongue, the other with the teeth; + 

And that they bait but bears in this, + 

In th’ other, souls and consciences; + 

Where Saints themselves are brought to stake + 

For gospel-light, and conscience’ sake; + 

Expos’d to Scribes and Presbyters, + 

Instead of mastiff dogs and curs, + 

Than whom th’ have less humanity; + 

For these at souls of men will fly. + 

This to the prophet did appear, + 

Who in a vision saw a bear, + 

Prefiguring the beastly rage + 

Of church-rule in this latter age: + 

As is demonstrated at full + 

By him that baited the Pope’s bull. + 

Bears nat’rally are beasts of prey, + 

That live by rapine; so do they. + 

What are their orders, constitutions, + 

Church-censures, curses, absolutions, + 

But sev’ral mystic chains they make, + 

To tie poor Christians to the stake, + 

And then set heathen officers, + 

Instead of dogs, about their ears? + 

For to prohibit and dispense; + 

To find out or to make offence; + 

Of hell and heaven to dispose; + 

To play with souls at fast and loose; + 

To set what characters they please, + 

And mulcts on sin or godliness; + 

Reduce the Church to gospel-order, + 

By rapine, sacrilege, and murder; + 

To make Presbytery supreme, + 

And Kings themselves submit to them; + 

And force all people, though against + 

Their consciences, to turn saints; + 

Must prove a pretty thriving trade, + 

When Saints monopolists are made: + 

When pious frauds, and holy shifts, + 

Are dispensations and gifts, + 

Their godliness becomes mere ware, + 

And ev’ry synod but a fair. + 

Synods are whelps of th’ Inquisition, + 

A mongrel breed of like pernicion; + 

And growing up, became the sires + 

Of scribes, commissioners, and triers; + 

Whose bus’ness is, by cunning sleight, + 

To cast a figure for men’s light; + 

To find, in lines of beard and face, + 

The physiognomy of grace; + 

And by the sound and twang of nose, + 

If all be sound within disclose, + 

Free from a crack or flaw of sinning, + 

As men try pipkins by the ringing; + 

By black caps, underlaid with white, + 

Give certain guess at inward light. + 

Which serjeants at the gospel wear, + 

To make the spiritual calling clear; + 

The handkerchief about the neck + 

(Canonical cravat of Smeck, + 

From whom the institution came, + 

When church and state they set on flame, + 

And worn by them as badges then + 

Of spiritual warfaring men) + 

Judge rightly if regeneration + 

Be of the newest cut in fashion. + 

Sure ’tis an orthodox opinion, + 

That grace is founded in dominion. + 

Great piety consists in pride; + 

To rule is to be sanctified: + 

To domineer, and to control, + 

Both o’er the body and the soul, + 

Is the most perfect discipline + 

Of church-rule, and by right divine. + 

Bel and the Dragon’s chaplains were + 

More moderate than these by far: + 

For they (poor knaves) were glad to cheat, + 

To get their wives and children meat; + 

But these will not be fobb’d off so; + 

They must have wealth and power too, + 

Or else with blood and desolation + 

They’ll tear it out o’ th’ heart o’ th’ nation. + 

Sure these themselves from primitive + 

And Heathen Priesthood do derive, + 

When butchers were the only clerks, + 

Elders and presbyters of kirks; + 

Whose directory was to kill; + 

And some believe it is so still. + 

The only diff’rence is, that then + 

They slaughter’d only beasts, now men. + 

For then to sacrifice a bullock, + 

Or now and then a child to Moloch, + 

They count a vile abomination, + 

But not to slaughter a whole nation. + 

Presbytery does but translate + 

The Papacy to a free state; + 

A commonwealth of Popery, + 

Where ev’ry village is a See + 

As well as Rome, and must maintain + 

A tithe-pig metropolitan; + 

Where ev’ry presbyter and deacon + 

Commands the keys for cheese and bacon; + 

And ev’ry hamlet’s governed + 

By ’s Holiness, the church’s head; + 

More haughty and severe in ’s place, + 

Than Gregory or Boniface. + 

Such Church must (surely) be a monster + 

With many heads: for if we conster + 

What in th’ Apocalypse we find, + 

According to th’ apostle’s mind, + 

’Tis that the whore of Babylon + 

With many heads did ride upon; + 

Which heads denote the sinful tribe + 

Of deacon, priest, lay-elder, scribe. + 

Lay-elder, Simeon to Levi, + 

Whose little finger is as heavy + 

As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate, + 

And bishop-secular. This zealot + 

Is of a mongrel, diverse kind; + 

Cleric before, and lay behind; + 

A lawless linseywoolsey brother, + 

Half of one order, half another; + 

A creature of amphibious nature, + 

On land a beast, a fish in water; + 

That always preys on grace or sin; + 

A sheep without, a wolf within. + 

This fierce inquisitor has chief + 

Dominion over men’s belief + 

And manners; can pronounce a saint + 

Idolatrous or ignorant, + 

When superciliously he sifts + 

Through coarsest boulter others’ gifts; + 

For all men live and judge amiss, + 

Whose talents jump not just with his. + 

He’ll lay on gifts with hands, and place + 

On dullest noddle light and grace, + 

The manufacture of the kirk. + 

Those pastors are but th’ handy-work + 

Of his mechanic paws, instilling + 

Divinity in them by feeling; + 

From whence they start up chosen vessels, + 

Made by contact, as men get measles. + 

So cardinals, they say, do grope + 

At th’ other end the new-made pope. + 

Hold, hold, quoth Hudibras; soft fire, + 

They say, does make sweet malt. Good Squire, + 

Festina lente, not too fast; + 

For haste (the proverb says) makes waste. + 

The quirks and cavils thou dost make + 

Are false, and built upon mistake: + 

And I shall bring you, with your pack + 

Of fallacies, t’ elenchi back; + 

And put your arguments in mood + 

And figure to be understood. + 

I’ll force you, by right ratiocination, + 

To leave your vitilitigation, + 

And make you keep to th’ question close, + 

And argue dialecticos. + 

The question then, to state it first, + 

Is, Which is better, or which worst, + 

Synods or bears? Bears I avow + 

To be the worst, and synods thou. + 

But to make good th’ assertion, + 

Thou say’st they’re really all one. + 

If so, not worst; for if th’ are idem + 

Why then, tantundem dat tantidem. + 

For if they are the same, by course, + 

Neither is better, neither worse. + 

But I deny they are the same, + 

More than a maggot and I am. + 

That both are animalia + 

I grant, but not rationalia: + 

For though they do agree in kind, + 

Specific difference we find; + 

And can no more make bears of these, + 

Than prove my horse is Socrates. + 

That synods are bear-gardens too, + 

Thou dost affirm; but I say, No: + 

And thus I prove it in a word; + 

Whats’ver assembly’s not impow’r’d + 

To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain, + 

Can be no synod: but bear-garden + 

Has no such pow’r; ergo, ’tis none: + 

And so thy sophistry’s o’erthrown. + 

But yet we are beside the question + 

Which thou didst raise the first contest on; + 

For that was, Whether bears are better + 

Than synod-men? I say, Negatur. + 

That bears are beasts, and synods men, + 

Is held by all: they’re better then; + 

For bears and dogs on four legs go, + 

As beasts, but synod-men on two. + 

’Tis true, they all have teeth and nails; + 

But prove that synod-men have tails; + 

Or that a rugged, shaggy fur + 

Grows o’er the hide of presbyter; + 

Or that his snout and spacious ears + 

Do hold proportion with a bear’s. + 

A bear’s a savage beast, of all + 

Most ugly and unnatural + 

Whelp’d without form, until the dam + 

Has lick’d it into shape and frame: + 

But all thy light can ne’er evict, + 

That ever synod man was lick’d, + 

Or brought to any other fashion + 

Than his own will and inclination. + 

But thou dost further yet in this + 

Oppugn thyself and sense; that is, + 

Thou would’st have presbyters to go + 

For bears and dogs, and bear-wards too; + 

A strange chimera of beasts and men, + 

Made up of pieces heterogene; + 

Such as in nature never met + 

In eodem subjecto yet. + 

Thy other arguments are all + 

Supposures, hypothetical, + 

That do but beg, and we may chose + 

Either to grant them, or refuse. + 

Much thou hast said, which I know when + 

And where thou stol’st from other men, + 

Whereby ’tis plain thy light and gifts + 

Are all but plagiary shifts; + 

And is the same that Ranter said, + 

Who, arguing with me, broke my head, + 

And tore a handful of my beard: + 

The self-same cavils then I heard, + 

When, b’ing in hot dispute about + 

This controversy, we fell out: + 

And what thou know’st I answer’d then, + 

Will serve to answer thee agen. + 

Quoth Ralpho, Nothing but th’ abuse + 

Of human learning you produce; + 

Learning, that cobweb of the brain, + 

Profane, erroneous, and vain; + 

A trade of knowledge, as replete + 

As others are with fraud and cheat; + 

An art t’ encumber gifts and wit, + 

And render both for nothing fit; + 

Makes light unactive, dull, and troubled, + 

Like little David in Saul’s doublet: + 

A cheat that scholars put upon + 

Other men’s reason and their own; + 

A fort of error, to ensconce + 

Absurdity and ignorance; + 

That renders all the avenues + 

To truth impervious and abstruse, + 

By making plain things, in debate, + 

By art, perplex’d, and intricate: + 

For nothing goes for sense or light + 

That will not with old rules jump right: + 

As if rules were not in the schools + 

Deriv’d from truth, but truth from rules. + 

This Pagan heathenish invention + 

Is good for nothing but contention. + 

For as, in sword and buckler fight, + 

All blows do on the target light; + 

So when men argue, the great’st part + 

O’ th’ contest falls on terms of art, + 

Until the fustian stuff be spent, + 

And then they fall to th’ argument. + 

Quoth Hudibras, Friend Ralph, thou hast + 

Out-run the constable at last: + 

For thou art fallen on a new + 

Dispute, as senseless as untrue, + 

But to the former opposite + 

And contrary as black to white; + 

Mere disparata; that concerning + 

Presbytery; this, human learning; + 

Two things s’ averse, they never yet + 

But in thy rambling fancy met. + 

But I shall take a fit occasion + 

T’ evince thee by ratiocination, + 

Some other time, in place more proper + 

Than this we’re in; therefore let’s stop here, + 

And rest our weary’d bones a while, + 

Already tir’d with other toil. + 