Part + 

II + 

But now, t’ observe a romantic method, + 

Let bloody steel awhile be sheathed; + 

And all those harsh and rugged sounds + 

Of bastinadoes, cuts, and wounds, + 

Exchang’d to Love’s more gentle style, + 

To let our reader breathe a while: + 

In which, that we may be as brief as + 

Is possible, by way of preface, + 

Is’t not enough to make one strange, + 

That some men’s fancies should ne’er change, + 

But make all people do and say + 

The same things still the self-same way? + 

Some writers make all ladies purloin’d, + 

And knights pursuing like a whirlwind: + 

Others make all their knights, in fits + 

Of jealousy, to lose their wits; + 

Till drawing blood o’ th’ dames, like witches, + 

Th’ are forthwith cur’d of their capriches. + 

Some always thrive in their amours, + 

By pulling plaisters off their sores: + 

As cripples do to get an alms, + 

Just so do they, and win their dames. + 

Some force whole regions, in despite + 

O’ geography, to change their site; + 

Make former times shake hands with latter, + 

And that which was before, come after. + 

But those that write in rhyme, still make + 

The one verse for the other’s sake; + 

For one for sense, and one for rhyme, + 

I think’s sufficient at one time. + 

But we forget in what sad plight + 

We whilom left the captiv’d Knight + 

And pensive Squire, both bruis’d in body, + 

And conjur’d into safe custody. + 

Tir’d with dispute and speaking Latin, + 

As well as basting and bear-baiting, + 

And desperate of any course, + 

To free himself by wit or force, + 

His only solace was, that now + 

His dog-bolt fortune was so low, + 

That either it must quickly end, + 

Or turn about again, and mend; + 

In which he found th’ event, no less + 

Than other times, beside his guess. + 

There is a tall long-sided dame + 

(But wondrous light,) ycleped Fame + 

That, like a thin cameleon, boards + 

Herself on air, and eats her words; + 

Upon her shoulders wings she wears + 

Like hanging-sleeves lin’d through with ears, + 

And eyes, and tongues, as poets list, + 

Made good by deep mythologist: + 

With these she through the welkin flies, + 

And sometimes carries truth, oft lies; + 

With letters hung, like eastern pigeons, + 

And mercuries of farthest regions; + 

Diurnals writ for regulation + 

Of lying, to inform the nation; + 

And by their public use to bring down + 

The rate of whetstones in the kingdom. + 

About her neck a pacquet-male, + 

Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale, + 

Of men that walk’d when they were dead, + 

And cows of monsters brought to bed; + 

Of hail-stones big as pullets’ eggs, + 

And puppies whelp’d with twice two legs; + 

A blazing star seen in the west, + 

By six or seven men at least. + 

Two trumpets she does sound at once, + 

But both of clean contrary tones; + 

But whether both in the same wind, + 

Or one before, and one behind, + 

We know not; only this can tell, + 

The one sounds vilely, th’ other well; + 

And therefore vulgar authors name + 

Th’ one Good, th’ other Evil, Fame. + 

This tattling gossip knew too well + 

What mischief Hudibras befell. + 

And straight the spiteful tidings bears + 

Of all to th’ unkind widow’s ears. + 

Democritus ne’er laugh’d so loud + 

To see bawds carted through the crowd, + 

Or funerals with stately pomp + 

March slowly on in solemn dump, + 

As she laugh’d out, until her back, + 

As well as sides, was like to crack. + 

She vow’d she would go see the sight, + 

And visit the distressed Knight; + 

To do the office of a neighbour, + 

And be a gossip at his labour; + 

And from his wooden jail, the stocks, + 

To set at large his fetter-locks; + 

And by exchange, parole, or ransom, + 

To free him from th’ enchanted mansion. + 

This b’ing resolv’d, she call’d for hood + 

And usher, implements abroad + 

Which ladies wear, beside a slender + 

Young waiting-damsel to attend her; + 

All which appearing, on she went, + 

To find the Knight in limbo pent: + 

And ’twas not long before she found + 

Him, and the stout Squire, in the pound; + 

Both coupled in enchanted tether, + 

By further leg behind together. + 

For as he sat upon his rump, + 

His head, like one in doleful dump, + 

Between his knees, his hands apply’d + 

Unto his ears on either side, + 

And by him, in another hole, + 

Afflicted Ralpho, cheek by jowl; + 

She came upon him in his wooden + 

Magician’s circle, on the sudden, + 

As spirits do t’ a conjurer, + 

When in their dreadful shapes th’ appear. + 

No sooner did the Knight perceive her, + 

But straight he fell into a fever, + 

Inflam’d all over with disgrace, + 

To be seen by her in such a place; + 

Which made him hang his head, and scowl, + 

And wink and goggle like an owl. + 

He felt his brains begin to swim, + 

When thus the dame accosted him: + 

This place (quoth she) they say’s enchanted, + 

And with delinquent spirits haunted, + 

That here are ty’d in chains, and scourg’d, + 

Until their guilty crimes be purg’d: + 

Look, there are two of them appear, + 

Like persons I have seen somewhere. + 

Some have mistaken blocks and posts + 

For spectres, apparitions, ghosts, + 

With saucer eyes, and horns; and some + 

Have heard the devil beat a drum; + 

But if our eyes are not false glasses, + 

That give a wrong account of faces, + 

That beard and I should be acquainted, + 

Before ’twas conjur’d or enchanted; + 

For though it be disfigur’d somewhat, + 

As if ’t had lately been in combat, + 

It did belong to a worthy knight, + 

Howe’er this goblin has come by’t. + 

When Hudibras the lady heard + 

Discoursing thus upon his beard, + 

And speak with such respect and honour + 

Both of the beard and the beard’s owner, + 

He thought it best to set as good + 

A face upon it as he could, + 

And thus he spoke: Lady, your bright + 

And radiant eyes are in the right: + 

The beard’s th’ identic beard you knew, + 

The same numerically true; + 

Nor is it worn by fiend or elf, + 

But its proprietor himself. + 

O, heavens! quoth she, can that be true? + 

I do begin to fear ’tis you: + 

Not by your individual whiskers, + 

But by your dialect and discourse, + 

That never spoke to man or beast + 

In notions vulgarly exprest. + 

But what malignant star, alas! + 

Has brought you both to this sad pass? + 

Quoth he, The fortune of the war, + 

Which I am less afflicted for, + 

Than to be seen with beard and face, + 

By you in such a homely case. + 

Quoth she, Those need not he asham’d + 

For being honorably maim’d; + 

If he that is in battle conquer’d, + 

Have any title to his own beard, + 

Though yours be sorely lugg’d and torn, + 

It does your visage more adorn + 

Than if ’twere prun’d, and starch’d, and lander’d, + 

And cut square by the Russian standard. + 

A torn beard’s like a tatter’d ensign, + 

That’s bravest which there are most rents in. + 

That petticoat about your shoulders + 

Does not so well become a soldier’s; + 

And I’m afraid they are worse handled, + 

Although i’ th’ rear; your beard the van led; + 

And those uneasy bruises make + 

My heart for company to ake, + 

To see so worshipful a friend + 

I’ th’ pillory set, at the wrong end. + 

Quoth Hudibras, This thing call’d pain + 

Is (as the learned Stoics maintain) + 

Not bad simpliciter, nor good, + 

But merely as ’tis understood. + 

Sense is deceitful, and may feign + 

As well in counterfeiting pain + 

As other gross phenomenas, + 

In which it oft mistakes the case. + 

But since th’ immortal intellect + 

(That’s free from error and defect, + 

Whose objects still persist the same) + 

Is free from outward bruise and maim, + 

Which nought external can expose + 

To gross material bangs or blows, + 

It follows we can ne’er be sure, + 

Whether we pain or not endure; + 

And just so far are sore and griev’d, + 

As by the fancy is believ’d. + 

Some have been wounded with conceit, + 

And died of mere opinion straight; + 

Others, though wounded sore in reason, + 

Felt no contusion, nor discretion. + 

A Saxon duke did grow so fat, + 

That mice (as histories relate) + 

Eat grots and labyrinths to dwell in + 

His postic parts without his feeling: + 

Then how is’t possible a kick + 

Should e’er reach that way to the quick? + 

Quoth she, I grant it is in vain. + 

For one that’s basted to feel pain, + 

Because the pangs his bones endure + 

Contribute nothing to the cure: + 

Yet honor hurt is wont to rage + 

With pain no med’cine can assuage. + 

Quoth he, That honour’s very squeamish + 

That takes a basting for a blemish; + 

For what’s more hon’rable than scars, + 

Or skin to tatters rent in wars? + 

Some have been beaten till they know + 

What wood a cudgel’s of by th’ blow; + 

Some kick’d until they can feel whether + 

A shoe be Spanish or neat’s leather; + 

And yet have met, after long running, + 

With some whom they have taught that cunning. + 

The furthest way about t’ o’ercome, + 

In the end does prove the nearest home. + 

By laws of learned duellists, + 

They that are bruis’d with wood or fists, + 

And think one beating may for once + 

Suffice, are cowards and pultroons: + 

But if they dare engage t’ a second, + 

They’re stout and gallant fellows reckon’d. + 

Th’ old Romans freedom did bestow, + 

Our princes worship, with a blow. + 

King Pyrrhus cur’d his splenetic + 

And testy courtiers with a kick. + 

The Negus, when some mighty lord + 

Or potentate’s to be restor’d, + 

And pardon’d for some great offence, + 

With which he’s willing to dispense, + 

First has him laid upon his belly, + 

Then beaten back and side to a jelly; + 

That done, he rises, humbly bows, + 

And gives thanks for the princely blows; + 

Departs not meanly proud, and boasting + 

Of this magnificent rib-roasting. + 

The beaten soldier proves most manful, + 

That, like his sword, endures the anvil, + 

And justly’s held more formidable, + 

The more his valour’s malleable: + 

But he that fears a bastinado + 

Will run away from his own shadow: + 

And though I’m now in durance fast, + 

By our own party basely cast, + 

Ransom, exchange, parole refus’d, + 

And worse than by the en’my us’d: + 

In close catasta shut, past hope + 

Of wit or valour to elope; + 

As beards the nearer that they tend + 

To th’ earth still grow more reverend, + 

And cannons shoot the higher pitches, + 

The lower we let down their breeches; + 

I’ll make this low dejected fate + 

Advance me to a greater height. + 

Quoth she, Y’ have almost made me in love + 

With that which did my pity move. + 

Great wits and valours, like great states, + 

Do sometimes sink with their own weights: + 

Th’ extremes of glory and of shame, + 

Like east and west, become the same: + 

No Indian prince has to his palace + 

More foll’wers than a thief to th’ gallows. + 

But if a beating seem so brave, + 

What glories must a whipping have + 

Such great achievements cannot fail + 

To cast salt on a woman’s tail: + 

For if I thought your nat’ral talent + 

Of passive courage were so gallant, + 

As you strain hard to have it thought, + 

I could grow amorous, and dote. + 

When Hudibras this language heard, + 

He prick’d up’s ears and strok’d his beard; + 

Thought he, this is the lucky hour; + 

Wines work when vines are in the flow’r. + 

This crisis then I’ll set my rest on, + 

And put her boldly to the question. + 

Madam, what you would seem to doubt, + 

Shall be to all the world made out, + 

How I’ve been drubb’d, and with what spirit + 

And magnanimity I bear it; + 

And if you doubt it to be true, + 

I’ll stake myself down against you: + 

And if I fail in love or troth, + 

Be you the winner, and take both. + 

Quoth she, I’ve beard old cunning stagers + 

Say, fools for arguments use wagers; + 

And though I prais’d your valour, yet + 

I did not mean to baulk your wit; + 

Which, if you have, you must needs know + 

What I have told you before now, + 

And you b’ experiment have prov’d, + 

I cannot love where I’m belov’d. + 

Quoth Hudibras, ’tis a caprich + 

Beyond th’ infliction of a witch; + 

So cheats to play with those still aim + 

That do not understand the game. + 

Love in your heart as icily burns + 

As fire in antique Roman urns, + 

To warm the dead, and vainly light + 

Those only that see nothing by’t. + 

Have you not power to entertain, + 

And render love for love again; + 

As no man can draw in his breath + 

At once, and force out air beneath? + 

Or do you love yourself so much, + 

To bear all rivals else a grutch? + 

What fate can lay a greater curse + 

Than you upon yourself would force? + 

For wedlock without love, some say, + 

Is but a lock without a key. + 

It is a kind of rape to marry + 

One that neglects, or cares not for ye: + 

For what does make it ravishment, + 

But b’ing against the mind’s consent? + 

A rape that is the more inhuman + 

For being acted by a woman. + 

Why are you fair, but to entice us + 

To love you, that you may despise us? + 

But though you cannot love, you say, + 

Out of your own fanatic way, + 

Why should you not at least allow + 

Those that love you to do so too? + 

For, as you fly me, and pursue + 

Love more averse, so I do you; + 

And am by your own doctrine taught + 

To practise what you call a fau’t. + 

Quoth she, If what you say is true, + 

You must fly me as I do you; + 

But ’tis not what we do, but say, + 

In love and preaching, that must sway. + 

Quoth he, To bid me not to love, + 

Is to forbid my pulse to move, + 

My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, + 

Or (when I’m in a fit) to hiccup: + 

Command me to piss out the moon, + 

And ’twill as easily be done: + 

Love’s power’s too great to be withstood + 

By feeble human flesh and blood. + 

’Twas he that brought upon his knees + 

The hect’ring, kill-cow Hercules; + 

Transform’d his leager-lion’s skin + 

T’ a petticoat, and made him spin; + 

Seiz’d on his club, and made it dwindle + 

T’ a feeble distaff and a spindle. + 

’Twas he that made emp’rors gallants + 

To their own sisters and their aunts; + 

Set popes and cardinals agog, + 

To play with pages at leap-frog. + 

’Twas he that gave our senate purges, + 

And flux’d the house of many a burgess; + 

Made those that represent the nation + 

Submit, and suffer amputation; + 

And all the grandees o’ the cabal + 

Adjourn to tubs at spring and fall. + 

He mounted synod-men, and rode ’em + 

To Dirty-Lane and little Sodom; + 

Made ’em curvet like Spanish jenets, + 

And take the ring at Madam ⸻ + 

’Twas he that made Saint Francis do + 

More than the Devil could tempt him to, + 

In cold and frosty weather grow + 

Enamour’d of a wife of snow; + 

And though she were of rigid temper, + 

With melting flames accost and tempt her; + 

Which after in enjoyment quenching, + 

He hung a garland on his engine. + 

Quoth she, If love have these effects, + 

Why is it not forbid our sex? + 

Why is’t not damn’d and interdicted, + 

For diabolical and wicked? + 

And sung, as out of tune, against, + 

As Turk and pope are by the saints? + 

I find I’ve greater reason for it, + 

Than I believ’d before, t’ abhor it. + 

Quoth Hudibras, These sad effects + 

Spring from your heathenish neglects + 

Of Love’s great pow’r, which he returns + 

Upon yourselves with equal scorns; + 

And those who worthy lovers slight, + 

Plagues with prepost’rous appetite. + 

This made the beauteous queen of Crete + 

To take a town-bull for her sweet, + 

And from her greatness stoop so low, + 

To be the rival of a cow: + 

Others to prostitute their great hearts, + 

To be baboons’ and monkeys’ sweethearts; + 

Some with the Dev’l himself in league grow, + 

By’s representative a Negro. + 

’Twas this made vestal maids love-sick, + 

And venture to be bury’d quick: + 

Some by their fathers, and their brothers, + 

To be made mistresses and mothers. + 

’Tis this that proudest dames enamours + 

On lacqueys and valets des chambres; + 

Their haughty stomachs overcomes, + 

And makes ’em stoop to dirty grooms; + 

To slight the world, and to disparage + 

Claps, issue, infamy, and marriage. + 

Quoth she, These judgments are severe, + 

Yet such as I should rather bear + 

Than trust men with their oaths, or prove + 

Their faith and secresy in love. + 

Says he, There is as weighty reason + 

For secresy in love as treason. + 

Love is a burglarer, a felon, + 

That at the windore-eye does steal in + 

To rob the heart, and with his prey + 

Steals out again a closer way, + 

Which whosoever can discover, + 

He’s sure (as he deserves) to suffer. + 

Love is a fire, that burns and sparkles + 

In men as nat’rally as in charcoals, + 

Which sooty chemists stop in holes, + 

When out of wood they extract coals: + 

So lovers should their passions choke, + 

That, though they burn, they may not smoke. + 

’Tis like that sturdy thief that stole + 

And dragg’d beasts backwards into’s hole: + 

So Love does lovers, and us men + 

Draws by the tails into his den, + 

That no impression may discover, + 

And trace t’ his cave, the wary lover. + 

But if you doubt I should reveal + 

What you entrust me under seal, + 

I’ll prove myself as close and virtuous + 

As your own secretary Albertus. + 

Quoth she, I grant you may be close + 

In hiding what your aims propose. + 

Love-passions are like parables, + 

By which men still mean something else. + 

Though love be all the world’s pretence, + 

Money’s the mythologic sense; + 

The real substance of the shadow, + 

Which all address and courtship’s made to. + 

Thought he, I understand your play, + 

And how to quit you your own way: + 

He that will win his dame must do + 

As Love does when he bends his bow; + 

With one hand thrust the lady from, + 

And with the other pull her home. + 

I grant, quoth he, wealth is a great + 

Provocative to am’rous heat. + 

It is all philtres, and high diet, + 

That makes love rampant, and to fly out: + 

’Tis beauty always in the flower, + 

That buds and blossoms at fourscore: + 

’Tis that by which the sun and moon + 

At their own weapons are outdone: + 

That makes knights-errant fall in trances, + 

And lay about ’em in romances: + 

’Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all + 

That men divine and sacred call: + 

For what is worth in any thing, + 

But so much money as ’twill bring? + 

Or what, but riches is there known, + 

Which man can solely call his own; + 

In which no creature goes his half, + 

Unless it be to squint and laugh? + 

I do confess, with goods and land, + 

I’d have a wife at second-hand; + 

And such you are. Nor is’t your person + 

My stomach’s set so sharp and fierce on; + 

But ’tis (your better part) your riches, + 

That my enamour’d heart bewitches. + 

Let me your fortune but possess, + 

And settle your person how you please: + 

Or make it o’er in trust to th’ devil; + 

You’ll find me reasonable and civil. + 

Quoth she, I like this plainness better + 

Than false mock-passion, speech, or letter, + 

Or any feat of qualm or sowning, + 

But hanging of yourself, or drowning. + 

Your only way with me to break + 

Your mind, is breaking of your neck; + 

For as when merchants break, o’erthrown, + 

Like nine-pins they strike others down, + 

So that would break my heart, which done, + 

My tempting fortune is your own. + 

These are but trifles: ev’ry lover + 

Will damn himself over and over, + 

And greater matters undertake + 

For a less worthy mistress’ sake: + 

Yet th’ are the only ways to prove + 

Th’ unfeign’d realities of love: + 

For he that hangs, or beats out’s brains, + 

The devil’s in him if he feigns. + 

Quoth Hudibras, This way’s too rough + 

For mere experiment and proof: + 

It is no jesting trivial matter, + 

To swing i’ th’ air, or douce in water, + 

And, like a water-witch, try love; + 

That’s to destroy, and not to prove: + 

As if a man should be dissected + 

To find what part is disaffected. + 

Your better way is to make over, + 

In trust, your fortune to your lover. + 

Trust is a trial; if it break, + 

’Tis not so desp’rate as a neck. + 

Beside, th’ experiment’s more certain; + 

Men venture necks to gain a fortune: + 

The soldier does it ev’ry day + 

(Eight to the week) for sixpence pay: + 

Your pettifoggers damn their souls, + 

To share with knaves in cheating fools: + 

And merchants, vent’ring through the main, + 

Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain. + 

This is the way I advise you to: + 

Trust me, and see what I will do. + 

Quoth she, I should be loth to run + 

Myself all th’ hazard, and you none; + 

Which must be done, unless some deed + 

Of yours aforesaid do precede. + 

Give but yourself one gentle swing, + 

For trial, and I’ll cut the string: + 

Or give that rev’rend head a maul, + 

Or two, or three, against a wall, + 

To show you are a man of mettle, + 

And I’ll engage myself to settle. + 

Quoth he, My head’s not made of brass, + 

As Friar Bacon’s noddle was, + 

Nor (like the Indian’s skull) so tough, + 

That authors say, ’twas musket-proof; + 

As it had need to be, to enter, + 

As yet, on any new adventure: + 

You see what bangs it has endur’d, + 

That would, before new feats, be cur’d. + 

But if that’s all you stand upon, + 

Here, strike me luck, it shall be done. + 

Quoth she, The matter’s not so far gone + 

As you suppose: two words t’ a bargain: + 

That may be done, and time enough, + 

When you have given downright proof: + 

And yet ’tis no fantastic pique + 

I have to love, nor coy dislike: + 

’Tis no implicit, nice aversion + 

T’ your conversation, mien, or person, + 

But a just fear, lest you should prove + 

False and perfidious in love: + 

For if I thought you could be true, + 

I could love twice as much as you. + 

Quoth he, My faith as adamanatine, + 

As chains of destiny, I’ll maintain: + 

True as Apollo ever spoke, + 

Or oracle from heart of oak: + 

And if you’ll give my flame but vent, + 

Now in close hugger-mugger pent, + 

And shine upon me but benignly, + 

With that one and that other pigsney, + 

The sun and day shall sooner part, + 

Than love of you shake off my heart; + 

The sun, that shall no more dispense + 

His own, but your bright influence. + 

I’ll carve your name on barks of trees, + 

With true-love’s-knots and flourishes, + 

That shall infuse eternal spring, + 

And everlasting flourishing; + 

Drink ev’ry letter on’t in stum, + 

And make it brisk champagne become: + 

Where’er you tread, your foot shall set + 

The primrose and the violet: + 

All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders, + 

Shall borrow from your breath their odours: + 

Nature her charter shall renew, + 

And take all lives of things from you; + 

The world depend upon your eye, + 

And when you frown upon it, die: + 

Only our loves shall still survive, + 

New worlds and natures to outlive: + 

And, like to heralds’ moons, remain + 

All crescents, without change or wane. + 

Hold, hold, quoth she; no more of this, + 

Sir Knight; you take your aim amiss: + 

For you will find it a hard chapter + 

To catch me with poetic rapture, + 

In which your mastery of art + 

Doth shew itself, and not your heart: + 

Nor will you raise in mine combustion + 

By dint of high heroic fustian. + 

She that with poetry is won, + 

Is but a desk to write upon; + 

And what men say of her, they mean + 

No more than on the thing they lean. + 

Some with Arabian spices strive + 

T’ embalm her cruelly alive; + 

Or season her, as French cooks use + 

Their haut-gouts, bouillies, or ragouts: + 

Use her so barbarously ill, + 

To grind her lips upon a mill, + 

Until the facet doublet doth + 

Fit their rhimes rather than her mouth: + 

Her mouth compar’d to an oyster’s, with + 

A row of pearl in’t⁠—’stead of teeth. + 

Others make posies of her cheeks, + 

Where red and whitest colours mix; + 

In which the lily, and the rose, + 

For Indian lake and ceruse goes. + 

The sun and moon by her bright eyes + 

Eclips’d and darken’d in the skies, + 

Are but black patches, that she wears, + 

Cut into suns, and moons, and stars: + 

By which astrologers, as well + 

As those in heav’n above, can tell + 

What strange events they do foreshow + 

Unto her under-world below. + 

Her voice, the music of the spheres, + 

So loud, it deafens mortals ears, + 

As wise philosophers have thought; + 

And that’s the cause we hear it not. + 

This has been done by some, who those + 

Th’ ador’d in rhyme would kick in prose; + 

And in those ribbons would have hung, + 

On which melodiously they sung; + 

That have the hard fate to write best + 

Of those still that deserve it least; + 

It matters not how false or forc’d: + 

So the best things be said o’ th’ worst: + 

It goes for nothing when ’tis said; + 

Only the arrow’s drawn to th’ head, + 

Whether it be a swan or goose + 

They level at: so shepherds use + 

To set the same mark on the hip + 

Both of their sound and rotten sheep: + 

For wits, that carry low or wide, + 

Must be aim’d higher, or beside + 

The mark, which else they ne’er come nigh, + 

But when they take their aim awry. + 

But I do wonder you should choose + 

This way t’ attack me with your Muse, + 

As one cut out to pass your tricks on, + 

With fulhams of poetic fiction: + 

I rather hop’d I should no more + 

Hear from you o’ th’ gallanting score: + 

For hard dry-bastings us’d to prove + 

The readiest remedies of love; + 

Next a dry-diet; but if those fail, + 

Yet this uneasy loop-hol’d jail, + 

In which y’ are hamper’d by the fetlock, + 

Cannot but put y’ in mind of wedlock: + 

Wedlock, that’s worse than any hole here, + 

If that may serve you for a cooler, + 

T’ allay your mettle, all agog + 

Upon a wife, the heavier clog: + 

Or rather thank your gentler fate, + 

That for a bruis’d or broken pate + 

Has freed you from those knobs that grow + 

Much harder on the marry’d brow; + 

But if no dread can cool your courage, + 

From vent’ring on that dragon, marriage, + 

Yet give me quarter, and advance + 

To nobler aims your puissance: + 

Level at beauty and at wit; + 

The fairest mark is easiest hit. + 

Quoth Hudibras, I’m beforehand + 

In that already, with your command; + 

For where does beauty and high wit + 

But in your constellation meet? + 

Quoth she, What does a match imply, + 

But likeness and equality? + 

I know you cannot think me fit + 

To be th’ yoke-fellow of your wit; + 

Nor take one of so mean deserts, + 

To be the partner of your parts; + 

A grace, which, if I could believe, + 

I’ve not the conscience to receive. + 

That conscience, quoth Hudibras, + 

Is misinform’d: I’ll state the case: + 

A man may be a legal donor, + 

Of any thing whereof he’s owner, + 

And may confer it where he lists, + 

I’ th’ judgment of all casuists; + 

Then wit, and parts, and valour, may + 

Be ali’nated, and made away, + 

By those that are proprietors, + 

As I may give or sell my horse. + 

Quoth she, I grant the case is true, + 

And proper ’twixt your horse and you; + 

But whether I may take as well + 

As you may give away or sell? + 

Buyers, you know, are bid beware; + 

And worse than thieves receivers are. + 

How shall I answer hue and cry, + 

For a roan gelding, twelve hands high, + 

All spurr’d and switch’d, a lock on ’s hoof, + 

A sorrel mane? Can I bring proof + 

Where, when, by whom, and what y’ were sold for, + 

And in the open market toll’d for? + 

Or should I take you for a stray, + 

You must be kept a year and day + 

(Ere I can own you) here i’ the pound, + 

Where, if y’ are sought, you may be found: + 

And in the meantime I must pay + 

For all your provender and hay. + 

Quoth he, It stands me much upon + 

T’ enervate this objection, + 

And prove myself, by topic clear, + 

No gelding, as you would infer. + 

Loss of virility’s averr’d + 

To be the cause of loss of beard, + 

That does (like embryo in the womb) + 

Abortive on the chin become. + 

This first a woman did invent, + 

In envy of man’s ornament; + 

Semiramis of Babylon, + 

Who first of all cut men o’ th’ stone, + 

To mar their beards, and lay foundation + 

Of sow-geldering operation. + 

Look on this beard, and tell me whether + 

Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either? + 

Next it appears I am no horse; + 

That I can argue and discourse + 

Have but two legs, and ne’er a tail. + 

Quoth she, That nothing will avail; + 

For some philosophers of late here, + 

Write men have four legs by nature, + 

And that ’tis custom makes them go + 

Erron’ously upon but two; + 

As ’twas in Germany made good + 

B’ a boy that lost himself in a wood, + 

And growing down t’ a man, was wont + 

With wolves upon all four to hunt. + 

As for your reasons drawn from tails, + 

We cannot say they’re true or false, + 

Till you explain yourself, and show, + 

B’ experiment, ’tis so or no. + 

Quoth he, If you’ll join issue on’t, + 

I’ll give you satisfactory account; + 

So you will promise, if you lose, + 

To settle all, and be my spouse. + 

That never shall be done (quoth she) + 

To one that wants a tail, by me: + 

For tails by nature sure were meant, + 

As well as beards for ornament: + 

And though the vulgar count them homely, + 

In men or beast they are so comely, + 

So gentee, alamode, and handsome, + 

I’ll never marry man that wants one; + 

And till you can demonstrate plain, + 

You have one equal to your mane, + 

I’ll be torn piecemeal by a horse, + 

Ere I’ll take you for better or worse. + 

The Prince of Cambay’s daily food + 

Is asp, and basilisk, and toad, + 

Which makes him have so strong a breath, + 

Each night he stinks a queen to death; + 

Yet I shall rather lie in ’s arms + 

Than yours, on any other terms. + 

Quoth he, What nature can afford, + 

I shall produce, upon my word; + 

And if she ever gave that boon + 

To man, I’ll prove that I have one; + 

I mean by postulate illation, + 

When you shall offer just occasion: + 

But since y’ have yet deny’d to give + 

My heart, your pris’ner, a reprieve, + 

But made it sink down to my heel, + 

Let that at least your pity feel; + 

And, for the sufferings of your martyr, + 

Give its poor entertainer quarter; + 

And, by discharge or mainprize, grant + 

Deliv’ry from this base restraint. + 

Quoth she, I grieve to see your leg + 

Stuck in a hole here like a peg; + 

And if I knew which way to do’t + 

(Your honour safe) I’d let you out. + 

That dames by jail delivery + 

Of errant-knights have been set free, + 

When by enchantment they have been, + 

And sometimes for it, too, laid in, + 

Is that which knights are bound to do + 

By order, oath, and honour too: + 

For what are they renown’d and famous else, + 

But aiding of distressed damosels? + 

But for a lady, no ways errant, + 

To free a knight, we have no warrant + 

In any authentical romance, + 

Or classic author yet of France; + 

And I’d be loth to have you break + 

An ancient custom for a freak, + 

Or innovation introduce + 

In place of things of antique use, + 

To free your heels by any course, + 

That might b’ unwholesome to your spurs; + 

Which, if I should consent unto, + 

It is not in my pow’r to do; + 

For ’tis a service must be done ye + 

With solemn previous ceremony, + 

Which always has been us’d t’ untie + 

The charms of those who here do lie: + 

For as the ancients heretofore + 

To Honour’s temple had no door + 

But that which through Virtue’s lay, + 

So from this dungeon there’s no way + 

To honour’d freedom, but by passing + 

That other virtuous school of lashing, + 

Where knights are kept in narrow lists, + 

With wooden lockets ’bout their wrists; + 

In which they for a while are tenants, + 

And for their ladies suffer penance: + 

Whipping, that’s Virtue’s governess, + 

Tut’ress of arts and sciences; + 

That mends the gross mistakes of Nature, + 

And puts new life into dull matter; + 

That lays foundation for renown, + 

And all the honours of the gown. + 

This suffer’d, they are set at large, + 

And freed with hon’rable discharge. + 

Then in their robes the penitentials + 

Are straight presented with credentials, + 

And in their way attended on + 

By magistrates of ev’ry town: + 

And, all respect and charges paid, + 

They’re to their ancient seats convey’d. + 

Now if you’ll venture, for my sake, + 

To try the toughness of your back, + 

And suffer (as the rest have done) + 

The laying of a whipping on, + 

(And may you prosper in your suit, + 

As you with equal vigour do’t,) + 

I here engage myself to loose ye, + 

And free your heels from Caperdewsie. + 

But since our sex’s modesty + 

Will not allow I should be by, + 

Bring me, on oath, a fair account, + 

And honour too, when you have done’t, + 

And I’ll admit you to the place + 

You claim as due in my good grace. + 

If matrimony and hanging go + 

By dest’ny, why not whipping too? + 

What med’cine else can cure the fits + 

Of lovers when they lose their wits? + 

Love is a boy by poets styl’d; + 

Then spare the rod, and spoil the child. + 

A Persian emp’ror whipp’d his grannam, + 

The sea, his mother Venus came on; + 

And hence some rev’rend men approve + 

Of rosemary in making love. + 

As skilful coopers hoop their tubs + 

With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs, + 

Why may not whipping have as good + 

A grace? perform’d in time and mood, + 

With comely movement, and by art, + 

Raise passion in a lady’s heart? + 

It is an easier way to make + 

Love by, than that which many take. + 

Who would not rather suffer whipping, + 

Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon? + 

Make wicked verses, treats, and faces, + 

And spell names over with beer-glasses; + 

Be under vows to hang and die + 

Love’s sacrifice, and all a lie? + 

With China-oranges, and tarts, + 

And whining plays, lay baits for hearts? + 

Bribe chamber-maids, with love and money, + 

To break no roguish jests upon ye? + 

For lilies limn’d on cheeks, and roses, + 

With painted perfumes, hazard noses? + 

Or, vent’ring to be brisk and wanton, + 

Do penance in a paper lantern? + 

All this you may compound for now, + 

By suffering what I offer you; + 

Which is no more than has been done + 

By knights for ladies long agone. + 

Did not the great La Mancha do so + 

For the Infanta del Toboso? + 

Did not th’ illustrious Bassa make + 

Himself a slave for Miss’s sake? + 

And with bull’s pizzle, for her love, + 

Was taw ’d as gentle as a glove? + 

Was not young Florio sent (to cool + 

His flame for Biancafiore) to school, + 

Where pedant made his pathic bum + 

For her sake suffer martyrdom? + 

Did not a certain lady whip + 

Of late her husband’s own lordship? + 

And though a grandee of the house, + 

Claw’d him with fundamental blows; + 

Ty’d him stark naked to a bed-post, + 

And firk’d his hide, as if sh’ had rid post; + 

And after in the sessions-court, + 

Where whipping’s judg’d, had honour for’t; + 

This swear you will perform, and then + 

I’ll set you from the enchanted den, + 

And the magician’s circle clear. + 

Quoth he, I do profess and swear, + 

And will perform what you enjoin, + 

Or may I never see you mine. + 

Amen (quoth she;) then turn’d about, + 

And bid her Squire let him out. + 

But ere an artist could be found + 

T’ undo the charms another bound, + 

The sun grew low, and left the skies, + 

Put down (some write) by ladies’ eyes, + 

The moon pull’d off her veil of light, + 

That hides her face by day from sight + 

(Mysterious veil, of brightness made, + 

That’s both her lustre and her shade,) + 

And in the lantern of the night + 

With shining horns hung out her light; + 

For darkness is the proper sphere, + 

Where all false glories use t’ appear. + 

The twinkling stars began to muster, + 

And glitter with their borrow’d lustre, + 

While sleep the weary’d world reliev’d, + 

By counterfeiting death reviv’d. + 

His whipping penance till the morn + 

Our vot’ry thought it best t’ adjourn, + 

And not to carry on a work + 

Of such importance in the dark, + 

With erring haste, but rather stay, + 

And do’t in the open face of day; + 

And in the mean time go in quest + 

Of next retreat to take his rest. + 

’Tis strange how some men’s tempers suit + 

(Like bawd and brandy) with dispute, + 

That for their own opinions stand last + 

Only to have them claw’d and canvast; + 

That keep their consciences in cases, + 

As fiddlers do their crowds and bases, + 

Ne’er to be us’d, but when they’re bent + 

To play a fit for argument; + 

Make true and false, unjust and just, + 

Of no use but to be discust; + 

Dispute, and set a paradox + 

Like a straight boot upon the stocks, + 

And stretch it more unmercifully + 

Than Helmont, Montaign, White, or Tully. + 

So th’ ancient Stoics, in their porch, + 

With fierce dispute maintain’d their church; + 

Beat out their brains in fight and study, + 

To prove that virtue is a body; + 

That bonum is an animal, + 

Made good with stout polemic brawl; + 

In which some hundreds on the place + 

Were slain outright; and many a face + 

Retrench’d of nose, and eyes, and beard, + 

To maintain what their sect averr’d. + 

All which the Knight and Squire, in wrath, + 

Had like t’ have suffered for their faith; + 

Each striving to make good his own, + 

As by the sequel shall be shown. + 

The Sun had long since, in the lap + 

Of Thetis, taken out his nap, + 

And, like a lobster boil’d, the morn + 

From black to red began to turn, + 

When Hudibras, whom thoughts and aking, + 

’Twixt sleeping kept all night and waking, + 

Began to rub his drowsy eyes, + 

And from his couch prepar’d to rise, + 

Resolving to dispatch the deed + 

He vow’d to do with trusty speed: + 

But first, with knocking loud, and bawling, + 

He rous’d the Squire, in truckle lolling: + 

And, after many circumstances, + 

Which vulgar authors, in romances, + 

Do use to spend their time and wits on, + 

To make impertinent description, + 

They got (with much ado) to horse, + 

And to the castle bent their course, + 

In which he to the dame before + 

To suffer whipping duly swore; + 

Where now arriv’d, and half unharnest, + 

To carry on the work in earnest, + 

He stopp’d, and paus’d upon the sudden, + 

And with a serious forehead plodding, + 

Sprung a new scruple his head, + 

Which first he scratch’d, and after said⁠— + 

Whether it be direct infringing + 

An oath, if I should wave this swingeing, + 

And what I’ve sworn to bear, forbear, + 

And so b’ equivocation swear, + 

Or whether it be a lesser sin + 

To be forsworn than act the thing, + 

Are deep and subtle points, which must, + 

T’ inform my conscience, be discust; + 

In which to err a little may + 

To errors infinite make way: + 

And therefore I desire to know + 

Thy judgment e’er we further go. + 

Quoth Ralpho, Since you do enjoin’t, + 

I shall enlarge upon the point; + 

And, for my own part, do not doubt + 

Th’ affirmative may be made out. + 

But first, to state the case aright, + 

For best advantage of our light, + 

And thus ’tis: Whether ’t be a sin + 

To claw and curry your own skin, + 

Greater or less, than to forbear, + 

And that you are forsworn, forswear. + 

But first, o’ th’ first: The inward man, + 

And outward, like a clan and clan, + 

Have always been at daggers-drawing, + 

And one another clapper-clawing. + 

Not that they really cuff, or fence, + 

But in a spiritual mystic sense; + 

Which to mistake, and make ’em squabble, + 

In literal fray ’s abominable. + 

’Tis heathenish, in frequent use + 

With Pagans and apostate Jews, + 

To offer sacrifice of bridewells, + 

Like modern Indians to their idols; + 

And mongrel Christians of our times, + 

That expiate less with greater crimes, + 

And call the foul abomination + 

Contrition and mortification. + 

Is ’t not enough we’re bruis’d and kicked + 

With sinful members of the wicked; + 

Our vessels, that are sanctify’d, + 

Prophan’d and curry’d back and side, + 

But we must claw ourselves with shameful + 

And heathen stripes, by their example; + 

Which (were there nothing to forbid it) + 

Is impious, because they did it; + 

This, therefore, may be justly reckon’d + 

A heinous sin. Now to the second + 

That saints may claim a dispensation + 

To swear and forswear, on occasion, + 

I doubt not but it will appear + 

With pregnant light: the point is clear. + 

Oaths are but words, and words but wind; + 

Too feeble implements to bind; + 

And hold with deeds proportion so + 

As shadows to a substance do. + 

Then when they strive for place, ’tis fit + 

The weaker vessel should submit. + 

Although your church be opposite + 

To ours as Black Friars are to White, + 

In rule and order, yet I grant, + 

You are a Reformado Saint; + 

And what the saints do claim as due, + 

You may pretend a title to: + 

But saints whom oaths and vows oblige, + 

Know little of their privilege; + 

Farther (I mean) than carrying on + 

Some self-advantage of their own: + 

For if the dev’l, to serve his turn, + 

Can tell troth, why the Saints should scorn, + 

When it serves theirs, to swear and lie, + 

I think there’s little reason why: + 

Else h’ has a greater power than they, + 

Which ’twere impiety to say. + 

W’ are not commanded to forbear + 

Indefinitely at all to swear; + 

But to swear idly, and in vain, + 

Without self-interest or gain; + 

For breaking of an oath, and lying, + 

Is but a kind of self-denying; + 

A saint-like virtue: and from hence + 

Some have broke oaths by Providence; + 

Some, to the glory of the Lord, + 

Perjur’d themselves, and broke their word; + 

And this the constant rule and practice + 

Of all our late Apostles’ acts is. + 

Was not the cause at first begun + 

With perjury, and carried on? + 

Was there an oath the godly took, + 

But in due time and place they broke? + 

Did we not bring our oaths in first, + 

Before our plate, to have them burst, + 

And cast in fitter models for + 

The present use of church and war? + 

Did not our worthies of the house, + 

Before they broke the peace, break vows? + 

For having freed us first from both + 

Th’ allegiance and suprem’cy oath, + 

Did they not next compel the nation + 

To take and break the protestation? + 

To swear, and after to recant + 

The solemn league and covenant? + 

To take th’ engagement, and disclaim it, + 

Enforc’d by those who first did frame it? + 

Did they not swear, at first, to fight + 

For the king’s safety and his right, + 

And after march’d to find him out, + 

And charg’d him home with horse and foot; + 

But yet still had the confidence + 

To swear it was in his defence. + 

Did they not swear to live and die + 

With Essex, and straight laid him by? + 

If that were all, for some have swore + 

As false as they, if th’ did no more. + 

Did they not swear to maintain law, + 

In which that swearing made a flaw? + 

For Protestant religion vow, + 

That did that vowing disallow? + 

For privilege of Parliament, + 

In which that swearing made a rent? + 

And since, of all the three, not one + 

Is left in being, ’tis well known. + 

Did they not swear, in express words, + 

To prop and back the House of Lords, + 

And after turn’d out the whole house-full + 

Of peers, as dang’rous and unusefull? + 

So Cromwell, with deep oaths and vows, + 

Swore all the Commons out o’ th’ House; + 

Vow’d that the red-coats would disband, + 

Ay, marry would they, at their command; + 

And troll’d them on, and swore, and swore, + 

Till th’ army turn’d them out of door. + 

This tells us plainly what they thought, + 

That oaths and swearing go for nought, + 

And that by them th’ were only meant + 

To serve for an expedient. + 

What was the public faith found out for, + 

But to slur men of what they fought for? + 

The public faith, which ev’ry one + 

Is bound t’ observe, yet kept by none; + 

And if that go for nothing, why + 

Should private faith have such a tie? + 

Oaths were not purpos’d, more than law, + 

To keep the good and just in awe, + 

But to confine the bad and sinful, + 

Like moral cattle, in a pinfold. + 

A saint’s of th’ heav’nly realm a peer; + 

And as no peer is bound to swear, + 

But on the gospel of his honour, + 

Of which he may dispose as owner + 

It follows, though the thing be forgery, + 

And false t’ affirm it is no perjury, + 

But a mere ceremony, and a breach + 

Of nothing, but a form of speech; + 

And goes for no more when ’tis took, + 

Than mere saluting of the book. + 

Suppose the Scriptures are of force, + 

They’re but commissions of course, + 

And saints have freedom to digress, + 

And vary from ’em, as they please; + 

Or misinterpret them, by private + 

Instructions, to all aims they drive at. + 

Then why should we ourselves abridge + 

And curtail our own privilege? + 

Quakers (that, like to lanterns, bear + 

Their light within ’em) will not swear: + 

Their gospel is an accidence, + 

By which they construe conscience, + 

And hold no sin so deeply red, + 

As that of breaking Priscian’s head; + 

(The head and founder of their order, + 

That stirring hats held worse than murder); + 

These thinking th’ are obliged to troth + 

In swearing, will not take an oath: + 

Like mules, who, if th’ have not their will + 

To keep their own pace, stand stock-still: + 

But they are weak, and little know + 

What free-born consciences may do. + 

’Tis the temptation of the devil + 

That makes all human actions evil: + 

For saints may do the same things by + 

The Spirit, in sincerity, + 

Which other men are tempted to, + 

And at the devil’s instance do; + 

And yet the actions be contrary, + 

Just as the saints and wicked vary. + 

For as on land there is no beast, + 

But in some fish at sea’s exprest, + 

So in the wicked there’s no vice + 

Of which the saints have not a spice; + 

And yet that thing that’s pious in + 

The one, in th’ other is a sin. + 

Is’t not ridiculous, and nonsense, + 

A saint should be a slave to conscience, + 

That ought to be above such fancies, + 

As far as above ordinances? + 

She’s of the wicked, as I guess, + 

B’ her looks, her language, and her dress: + 

And though, like constables, we search, + 

For false wares, one another’s church, + 

Yet all of us hold this for true, + 

No faith is to the wicked due: + 

For truth is precious and divine; + 

Too rich a pearl for carnal swine. + 

Quoth Hudibras, All this is true; + 

Yet ’tis not fit that all men knew + 

Those mysteries and revelations; + 

And therefore topical evasions + 

Of subtle turns and shifts of sense + 

Serve best with th’ wicked for pretence; + 

Such as the learned Jesuits use, + 

And Presbyterians, for excuse + 

Against the Protestants, when th’ happen + 

To find their churches taken napping: + 

As thus: A breach of oath is duple, + 

And either way admits a scruple, + 

And may be ex parte of the maker + 

More criminal than the injur’d taker; + 

For he that strains too far a vow, + 

Will break it, like an o’er-bent bow: + 

And he that made, and forc’d it, broke it, + 

Not he that for convenience took it. + 

A broken oath is, quatenus oath, + 

As sound t’ all purposes of troth, + 

As broken laws are ne’er the worse; + 

Nay, till th’ are broken have no force. + 

What’s justice to a man, or laws, + 

That never comes within their claws? + 

They have no pow’r, but to admonishl + 

Cannot control, coerce, or punish; + 

Until they’re broken, and then touch + 

Those only that do make ’em such. + 

Beside, no engagement is allow’d + 

By men in prison made for good; + 

For when they’re set at liberty, + 

They’re from th’ engagement too set free. + 

The rabbins write, when any Jew + 

Did make to God or man, a vow, + 

Which afterward he found untoward, + 

And stubborn to be kept, or too hard, + 

Any three other Jews o’ th’ nation, + 

Might free him from the obligation; + 

And have not two saints pow’r to use + 

A greater privilege than three Jews? + 

The court of conscience, which in man + 

Should be supreme and sovereign, + 

Is’t fit should be subordinate + 

To ev’ry petty court i’ the state, + 

And have less power than the lesser, + 

To deal with perjury at pleasure; + 

Have its proceedings disallow’d, or + 

Allow’d, at fancy of Pye-Powder? + 

Tell all it does, or does not know, + 

For swearing ex officio? + 

Be forc’d t’ impeach a broken hedge, + 

And pigs unring’d at Vis. Franc. Pledge? + 

Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants, + 

Priests, witches, eves-droppers, and nuisance; + 

Tell who did play at games unlawful, + 

And who fill’d pots of ale but half full; + 

And have no pow’r at all, nor shift, + 

To help itself at a dead lift? + 

Why should not conscience have vacation + 

As well as other courts o’ th’ nation; + 

Have equal power to adjourn, + 

Appoint appearance and return; + 

And make as nice distinction serve + 

To split a case, as those that carve, + 

Invoking cuckolds’ names, hit joints? + 

Why should not tricks as slight do points? + 

Is not th’ High-Court of Justice sworn + 

To judge that law that serves their turn? + 

Make their own jealousies high treason, + 

And fix ’em whomsoe’er they please on? + 

Cannot the learned counsel there + 

Make laws in any shape appear? + 

Mould ’em as witches do their clay, + 

When they make pictures to destroy, + 

And vex ’em into any form + 

That fits their purpose to do harm? + 

Rack ’em until they do confess, + 

Impeach of treason whom they please, + 

And most perfidiously condemn + 

Those that engag’d their lives for them? + 

And yet do nothing in their own sense, + 

But what they ought by oath and conscience. + 

Can they not juggle, and with slight + 

Conveyance, play with wrong and right; + 

And sell their blasts of wind as dear + 

As Lapland witches bottled air? + 

Will not fear, favour, bribe, and grudge + 

The same case several ways adjudge? + 

As seamen with the self-same gale, + 

Will sev’ral diff’rent courses sail. + 

As when the sea breaks o’er its bounds, + 

And overflows the level grounds, + 

Those banks and dams, that, like a screen, + 

Did keep it out, now keep it in; + 

So when tyrannic usurpation + 

Invades the freedom of a nation, + 

The laws o’ th’ land, that were intended + 

To keep it out, are made defend it. + 

Does not in Chanc’ry ev’ry man swear + 

What makes best for him in his answer? + 

Is not the winding up witnesses + 

And nicking more than half the bus’ness? + 

For witnesses, like watches, go + 

Just as they’re set, too fast or slow; + 

And where in conscience they’re strait-lac’d, + 

’Tis ten to one that side is cast. + 

Do not your juries give their verdict + 

As if they felt the cause, not heard it? + 

And as they please, make matter o’ fact + 

Run all on one side, as they’re packt? + 

Nature has made man’s breast no windores, + 

To publish what he does within doors, + 

Nor what dark secrets there inhabit, + 

Unless his own rash fury blab it. + 

If oaths can do a man no good + 

In his own bus’ness, why they should + 

In other matters do him hurt, + 

I think there’s little reason for’t. + 

He that imposes an oath makes it, + 

Not he that for convenience takes it: + 

Then how can any man be said + 

To break an oath he never made? + 

These reasons may, perhaps, look oddly + 

To th’ wicked, though th’ evince the godly; + 

But if they will not serve to clear + 

My honour, I am ne’er the near. + 

Honour is like that glassy bubble + 

That finds philosophers such trouble, + 

Whose least part crack’d, the whole does fly, + 

And wits are crack’d to find out why. + 

Quoth Ralpho, Honour’s but a word + 

To swear by only in a lord: + 

In other men, ’tis but a huff + 

To vapour with, instead of proof; + 

That, like a wen, looks big and swells, + 

Is senseless, and just nothing else. + 

Let it (quoth he) be what it will, + 

It has the world’s opinion still. + 

But as men are not wise that run + 

The slightest hazard they may shun, + 

There may a medium be found out + 

To clear to all the world the doubt; + 

And that is, if a man may do’t, + 

By proxy whipt, or substitute. + 

Though nice and dark the point appear + 

(Quoth Ralph,) it may hold up and clear. + 

That sinners may supply the place + 

Of suff’ring saints is a plain case. + 

Justice gives sentence many times + 

On one man for another’s crimes. + 

Our brethren of New England use + 

Choice malefactors to excuse, + 

And hang the guiltless in their stead, + 

Of whom the churches have less need; + 

As lately ’t happen’d: In a town + 

There liv’d a cobbler, and but one, + 

That out of doctrine could cut use, + 

And mend men’s lives as well as shoes. + 

This precious brother having slain, + 

In time of peace, an Indian, + 

(Not out of malice, but mere zeal, + 

Because he was an Infidel,) + 

The mighty Tottipottymoy + 

Sent to our elders an envoy, + 

Complaining sorely of the breach + 

Of league held forth by brother Patch + 

Against the articles in force + 

Between both churches, his and ours; + 

For which he crav’d the saints to render + 

Into his hands or hang th’ offender: + 

But they maturely having weigh’d + 

They had no more but him o’ th’ trade, + 

(A man that serv’d them in a double + 

Capacity, to teach and cobble), + 

Resolv’d to spare him; yet, to do + 

The Indian Hoghgan Moghgan too + 

Impartial justice, in his stead did + 

Hang an old weaver, that was bed-rid. + 

Then wherefore may not you be skipp’d, + 

And in your room another whipp’d? + 

For all philos’phers, but the sceptic, + 

Hold whipping may be sympathetic. + 

It is enough, quoth Hudibras, + 

Thou hast resolv’d and clear’d the case; + 

And canst, in conscience, not refuse + 

From thy own doctrine to raise use. + 

I know thou wilt not (for my sake) + 

Be tender conscienc’d of thy back: + 

Then strip thee off thy carnal jerkin, + 

And give thy outward-fellow a ferking; + 

For when thy vessel is new hoop’d, + 

All leaks of sinning will be stopp’d. + 

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; + 

For in all scruples of this nature, + 

No man includes himself, nor turns + 

The point upon his own concerns. + 

As no man of his own self catches + 

The itch, or amorous French aches; + 

So no man does himself convince, + 

By his own doctrine, of his sins: + 

And though all cry down self, none means + 

His own self in a literal sense. + 

Beside, it is not only foppish, + 

But vile, idolatrous and popish, + 

For one man, out of his own skin, + 

To ferk and whip another’s sin; + 

As pedants out of school-boys’ breeches + 

Do claw and curry their own itches. + 

But in this case it is profane, + 

And sinful too, because in vain: + 

For we must take our oaths upon it, + 

You did the deed, when I have done it. + 

Quoth Hudibras, That’s answer’d soon: + 

Give us the whip, we’ll lay it on. + 

Quoth Ralpho, That we may swear true, + 

’Twere properer that I whipp’d you: + 

For when with your consent ’tis done, + 

The act is really your own. + 

Quoth Hudibras, It is in vain + 

(I see) to argue ’gainst the grain; + 

Or, like the stars, incline men to + 

What they’re averse themselves to do: + 

For when disputes are weary’d out, + 

’Tis interest still resolves the doubt: + 

But since no reason can confute ye, + 

I’ll try to force you to your duty; + 

For so it is, howe’er you mince it, + 

As, ere we part, I shall evince it + 

And curry (if you stand out) whether + 

You will or no, your stubborn leather. + 

Canst thou refuse to hear thy part + 

I’ th’ public work, base as thou art? + 

To higgle thus for a few blows, + 

To gain thy knight an op’lent spouse, + 

Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, + 

Merely for th’ interest of the churches? + 

And when he has it in his claws + 

Will not be hide-bound to the cause: + 

Nor shalt thou find him a curmudgeon, + 

If thou dispatch it without grudging: + 

If not, resolve, before we go, + 

That you and I must pull a crow. + 

Y’ had best (quoth Ralpho) as the ancients + 

Say wisely, have a care o’ th’ main chance, + 

And look before you ere you leap; + 

For as you sow, y’ are like to reap: + 

And were y’ as good as George-a-Green, + 

I shall make bold to turn agen: + 

Nor am I doubtful of the issue + 

In a just quarrel, and mine is so. + 

Is ’t fitting for a man of honour + 

To whip the saints, like Bishop Bonner? + 

A Knight t’ usurp the beadle’s office, + 

For which y’ are like to raise brave trophies? + 

But I advise you (not for fear, + 

But for your own sake) to forbear; + 

And for the churches, which may chance, + 

From hence, to spring a variance, + 

And raise among themselves new scruples, + 

Whom common danger hardly couples. + 

Remember how, in arms and politics, + 

We still have worsted all your holy tricks; + 

Trepann’d your party with intrigue, + 

And took your grandees down a peg; + 

New modell’d th’ army, and cashier’d + 

All that to legion Smec adher’d; + 

Made a mere utensil o’ your church, + 

And after left it in the lurch; + 

A scaffold to build up our own, + 

And, when w’ had done with’t, pull’d it down + 

Capoch’d your rabbins of the synod, + 

And snap’d their canons with a why-not? + 

(Grave synod men, that were rever’d + 

For solid face and depth of beard;) + 

Their classic model prov’d a maggot, + 

Their direct’ry an Indian Pagod; + 

And drown’d their discipline like a kitten, + 

On which they’d been so long a sitting; + 

Decry’d it as a holy cheat, + 

Grown out of date, and obsolete; + 

And all the Saints of the first grass, + 

As casting foals of Balaam’s ass. + 

At this the Knight grew high in chafe, + 

And staring furiously on Ralph, + 

He trembled, and look’d pale with ire; + 

Like ashes first, then red as fire. + 

Have I (quoth he) been ta’en in fight, + 

And for so many moons lain by’t, + 

And, when all other means did fail, + 

Have been exchang’d for tubs of ale? + 

Not but they thought me worth a ransom + 

Much more consid’rable and handsome, + 

But for their own sakes, and for fear + 

They were not safe when I was there + 

Now to be baffled by a scoundrel, + 

An upstart sect’ry, and a mongrel, + 

Such as breed out of peccant humours, + 

Of our own church, like wens or tumours, + 

And, like a maggot in a sore, + 

Would that which gave it life devour; + 

It never shall be done or said: + 

With that he seiz’d upon his blade; + 

And Ralpho too, as quick and bold, + 

Upon his basket-hilt laid hold, + 

With equal readiness prepar’d + 

To draw, and stand upon his guard; + 

When both were parted on the sudden, + 

With hideous clamour, and a loud one, + 

As if all sorts of noise had been + 

Contracted into one loud din; + 

Or that some member to be chosen, + 

Had got the odds above a thousand, + 

And, by the greatness of his noise, + 

Prov’d fittest for his country’s choice. + 

This strange surprisal put the Knight + 

And wrathful Squire into a fright; + 

And though they stood prepar’d, with fatal + 

Impetuous rancour to join battle, + 

Both thought it was the wisest course + 

To wave the fight and mount to horse, + 

And to secure, by swift retreating, + 

Themselves from danger of worse beating. + 

Yet neither of them would disparage, + 

By utt’ring of his mind, his courage; + 

Which made them stoutly keep their ground, + 

With horror and disdain wind-bound. + 

And now the cause of all their fear + 

By slow degrees approach’d so near, + 

They might distinguish different noise + 

Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys, + 

And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub + 

Sounds like the hooping of a tub. + 

But when the sight appear’d in view, + 

They found it was an antique show; + 

A triumph, that, for pomp and state, + 

Did proudest Romans emulate: + 

For as the aldermen of Rome + 

Their foes at training overcome, + 

And not enlarging territory + 

(As some mistaken write in story), + 

Being mounted, in their best array, + 

Upon a car, and who but they! + 

And follow’d with a world of tall-lads, + 

That merry ditties troll’d, and ballads, + 

Did ride with many a good-morrow, + 

Crying, “Hey for our town!” through the borough; + 

So when this triumph drew so nigh + 

They might particulars descry, + 

They never saw two things so pat, + 

In all respects, as this and that. + 

First he that led the cavalcade, + 

Wore a sow-gelder’s flagellate, + 

On which he blew as strong a levet + 

As well-fee’d lawyer on his breviate, + 

When over one another’s heads + 

They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes. + 

Next pans and kettles of all keys, + 

From trebles down to double base; + 

And after them, upon a nag, + 

That might pass for a forehand stag, + 

A cornet rode, and on his staff + 

A smock display’d did proudly wave. + 

Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, + 

With snuffling broken-winded tones, + 

Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut, + 

Sound filthier than from the gut, + 

And make a viler noise than swine + 

In windy weather, when they whine. + 

Next one upon a pair of panniers, + 

Full fraught with that which for good manners + 

Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, + 

Which he dispens’d among the swains, + 

And busily upon the crowd + 

At random round about bestow’d. + 

Then, mounted on a horned horse, + 

One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs, + 

Ty’d to the pummel of a long sword + 

He held reverst, the point turn’d downward. + 

Next after, on a raw-bon’d steed, + 

The conqueror’s standard-bearer rid, + 

And bore aloft before the champion + 

A petticoat display’d, and rampant; + 

Near whom the Amazon triumphant + 

Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on’t + 

Sat face to tail, and bum to bum, + 

The warrior whilom overcome, + 

Arm’d with a spindle and a distaff, + 

Which, as he rode, she made him twist off; + 

And when he loiter’d, o’er her shoulder + 

Chastis’d the reformado soldier. + 

Before the dame, and round about, + 

March’d whifflers and staffiers on foot, + 

With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages, + 

In fit and proper equipages; + 

Of whom some torches bore, some links, + 

Before the proud virago minx, + 

That was both Madam and a Don, + 

Like Nero’s Sporus, or Pope Joan; + 

And at fit periods the whole rout + 

Set up their throats with clamorous shout. + 

The Knight, transported, and the Squire, + 

Put up their weapons, and their ire; + 

And Hudibras, who us’d to ponder + 

On such sights with judicious wonder, + 

Could hold no longer to impart + 

His animadversions, for his heart. + 

Quoth he, In all my life, till now, + 

I ne’er saw so profane a show. + 

It is a Paganish invention, + 

Which heathen writers often mention: + 

And he who made it had read Goodwin, + 

Or Ross, or Caelius Rhodogine, + 

With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows, + 

That best describe those ancient shows; + 

And has observ’d all fit decorums + 

We find describ’d by old historians: + 

For as the Roman conqueror, + 

That put an end to foreign war, + 

Ent’ring the town in triumph for it, + 

Bore a slave with him, in his chariot; + 

So this insulting female brave, + 

Carries behind her here a slave: + 

And as the ancients long ago, + 

When they in field defy’d the foe, + 

Hung out their mantles della guerre, + 

So her proud standard-bearer here + 

Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, + 

A Tyrian petticoat for banner. + 

Next links and torches, heretofore + 

Still borne before the emperor: + 

And as, in antique triumphs, eggs + 

Were borne for mystical intrigues, + 

There’s one with truncheon, like a ladle, + 

That carries eggs too, fresh or addle; + 

And still at random, as he goes, + 

Among the rabble-rout bestows. + 

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; + 

For all th’ antiquity you smatter + 

Is but a riding us’d of course, + 

When the grey mare’s the better horse; + 

When o’er the breeches greedy women + 

Fight to extend their vast dominion; + 

And in the cause impatient Grizel + 

Has drubb’d her husband with bull’s pizzle, + 

And brought him under covert-baron, + 

To turn her vassal with a murrain; + 

When wives their sexes shift, like hares, + 

And ride their husbands like night-mares, + 

And they, in mortal battle vanquish’d, + 

Are of their charter disenfranchis’d, + 

And by the right of war, like gills, + 

Condemn’d to distaff, horns, and wheels: + 

For when men by their wives are cow’d, + 

Their horns of course are understood. + 

Quoth Hudibras, Thou still giv’st sentence + 

Impertinently, and against sense. + 

’Tis not the least disparagement + 

To be defeated by th’ event, + 

Nor to be beaten by main force; + 

That does not make a man the worse, + 

Although his shoulders with battoon + 

Be claw’d and cudgel’d to some tune. + 

A taylor’s ’prentice has no hard + 

Measure, that’s bang’d with a true yard: + 

But to turn tail, or run away, + 

And without blows give up the day, + 

Or to surrender ere th’ assault, + 

That’s no man’s fortune, but his fault, + 

And renders men of honour less + 

Than all th’ adversity of success; + 

And only unto such this show + 

Of horns and petticoats is due. + 

There is a lesser profanation, + 

Like that the Romans call’d ovation: + 

For as ovation was allow’d + 

For conquest purchas’d without blood, + 

So men decree these lesser shows + 

For victory gotten without blows, + 

By dint of sharp hard words, which some + 

Give battle with, and overcome; + 

These mounted in a chair-curule, + 

Which moderns call a cucking-stool, + 

March proudly to the river’s side, + 

And o’er the waves in triumph ride; + 

Like dukes of Venice, who are said + 

The Adriatic Sea to wed; + 

And have a gentler wife than those + 

For whom the State decrees those shows. + 

But both are heathenish, and come + 

From th’ whores of Babylon and Rome, + 

And by the Saints should be withstood, + 

As Antichristian and lewd; + 

And we as such, should now contribute + 

Our utmost struggling to prohibit. + 

This said, they both advanc’d, and rode + 

A dog-trot through the bawling crowd, + 

T’ attack the leader, and still prest, + 

Till they approach’d him breast to breast: + 

Then Hudibras, with face and hand, + 

Made signs for silence; which obtain’d, + 

What means (quoth he) this devil’s procession + 

With men of orthodox profession? + 

’Tis ethnic and idolatrous, + 

From heathenism deriv’d to us. + 

Does not the Whore of Babylon ride + 

Upon her horned beast astride + 

Like this proud dame, who either is + 

A type of her, or she of this? + 

Are things of superstitious function + 

Fit to be us’d in gospel sun-shine? + 

It is an Antichristian opera, + 

Much us’d in midnight times of Popery, + 

Of running after self-inventions + 

Of wicked and profane intentions; + 

To scandalize that sex for scolding, + 

To whom the saints are so beholden. + 

Women, who were our first apostles + 

Without whose aid we had been lost else; + 

Women, that left no stone unturn’d + 

In which the cause might be concern’d; + 

Brought in their children’s spoons and whistles, + 

To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols; + 

Their husbands, cullies, and sweet-hearts, + 

To take the saints’ and churches’ parts; + 

Drew several gifted brethren in, + 

That for the bishops would have been, + 

And fix’d ’em constant to the party, + 

With motives powerful and hearty; + 

Their husbands robb’d, and made hard shifts + 

T’ administer unto their gifts + 

All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer, + 

To scraps and ends of gold and silver; + 

Rubb’d down the teachers, tir’d and spent + 

With holding forth for Parliament: + 

Pamper’d and edify’d their zeal + 

With marrow-puddings many a meal; + 

And led them, with store of meat, + 

On controverted points to eat; + 

And cramm’d ’em, till their guts did ake, + 

With cawdle, custard, and plum-cake: + 

What have they done, or what left undone, + 

That might advance the cause at London? + 

March’d rank and file, with drum and ensign, + 

T’ intrench the city for defence in; + 

Rais’d rampiers with their own soft hands, + 

To put the enemy to stands; + 

From ladies down to oyster-wenches, + 

Labour’d like pioneers in trenches; + 

Fell to their pick-axes, and tools, + 

And help’d the men to dig like moles. + 

Have not the handmaids of the city + 

Chose of their members a committee, + 

For raising of a common purse + 

Out of their wages to raise horse? + 

And do they not as triers sit, + 

To judge what officers are fit? + 

Have they ⸻? At that an egg let fly, + 

Hit him directly o’er the eye, + 

And running down his cheek, besmear’d + 

With orange tawny slime his beard; + 

But beard and slime being of one hue, + 

The wound the less appear’d in view. + 

Then he that on the panniers rode, + 

Let fly on th’ other side a load, + 

And quickly charg’d again, gave fully + 

In Ralpho’s face another volley. + 

The Knight was startled with the smell, + 

And for his sword began to feel; + 

And Ralpho, smother’d with the stink, + 

Grasp’d his; when one that bore a link, + 

O’ th’ sudden clapp’d his flaming cudgel, + 

Like linstock, to the horse’s touch-hole; + 

And straight another with his flambeaux, + 

Gave Ralpho’s o’er the eye a damn’d blow. + 

The beasts began to kick and fling, + 

And forc’d the rout to make a ring, + 

Through which they quickly broke their way, + 

And brought them off from further fray; + 

And though disorder’d in retreat, + 

Each of them stoutly kept his seat: + 

For, quitting both their swords and reins, + 

They grasp’d with all their strength the manes, + 

And, to avoid the foe’s pursuit, + 

With spurring put their cattle to’t; + 

And till all four were out of wind, + 

And danger too, ne’er look’d behind. + 

After th’ had paus’d a while, supplying + 

Their spirits, spent with fight and flying, + 

And Hudibras recruited force + 

Of lungs, for action or discourse; + 

Quoth he, That man is sure to lose + 

That fouls his hands with dirty foes: + 

For where no honour’s to be gain’d, + 

’Tis thrown away in b’ing maintain’d. + 

’Twas ill for us we had to do + 

With so dishonourable a foe: + 

For though the law of arms doth bar + 

The use of venom’d shot in war, + 

Yet, by the nauseous smell, and noisome, + 

Their case-shot savours strong of poison; + 

And doubtless have been chew’d with teeth + 

Of some that had a stinking breath; + 

Else, when we put it to the push, + 

They have not giv’n us such a brush. + 

But as those poltroons that fling dirt + 

Do but defile, but cannot hurt, + 

So all the honour they have won, + 

Or we have lost, is much as one, + 

’Twas well we made so resolute + 

And brave retreat, without pursuit; + 

For if we had not, we had sped + 

Much worse, to be in triumph led; + 

Than which the ancients held no state + 

Of man’s life more unfortunate. + 

But if this bold adventure e’er + 

Do chance to reach the widow’s ear, + 

It may, b’ing destin’d to assert + 

Her sex’s honour, reach her heart; + 

And as such homely treats (they say) + 

Portend good fortune, so this may. + 

Vespasian being daub’d with dirt, + 

Was destin’d to the empire for’t; + 

And from a scavenger did come + 

To be a mighty prince in Rome: + 

And why may not this foul address + 

Presage in love the same success? + 

Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds, + 

Advance in quest of nearest ponds; + 

And after (as we first design’d) + 

Swear I’ve perform’d what she enjoin’d. + 

Doubtless the pleasure is as great + 

Of being cheated, as to cheat; + 

As lookers-on feel most delight, + 

That least perceive a juggler’s sleight; + 

And still the less they understand, + 

The more th’ admire his slight of hand. + 

Some with a noise, and greasy light, + 

Are snapt, as men catch larks by night; + 

Ensnar’d and hamper’d by the soul, + 

As nooses by their legs catch fowl. + 

Some with a med’cine, and receipt, + 

Are drawn to nibble at the bait; + 

And though it be a two-foot trout, + 

’Tis with a single hair pull’d out. + 

Others believe no voice t’ an organ + 

So sweet as lawyer’s in his bar-gown, + 

Until with subtle cobweb-cheats + 

Th’ are catch’d in knotted law, like nets; + 

In which, when once they are imbrangled, + 

The more they stir, the more they’re tangled; + 

And while their purses can dispute, + 

There’s no end of th’ immortal suit. + 

Others still gape t’ anticipate + 

The cabinet-designs of fate; + 

Apply to wizards to foresee + 

What shall and what shall never be; + 

And, as those vultures do forebode, + 

Believe events prove bad or good: + 

A flam more senseless than the roguery + 

Of old aruspicy and aug’ry, + 

That out of garbages of cattle + 

Presag’d th’ events of truce or battle; + 

From flight of birds, or chickens pecking, + 

Success of great’st attempts would reckon: + 

Though cheats, yet more intelligible + 

Than those that with the stars do fribble. + 

This Hudibras by proof found true, + 

As in due time and place we’ll shew: + 

For he, with beard and face made clean, + 

B’ing mounted on his steed agen + 

(And Ralpho got a cock-horse too + 

Upon his beast, with much ado), + 

Advanc’d on for the Widow’s house, + 

To acquit himself, and pay his vows; + 

When various thoughts began to bustle, + 

And with his inward man to justle. + 

He thought what danger might accrue + 

If she should find he swore untrue; + 

Or, if his Squire or he should fail, + 

And not be punctual in their tale, + 

It might at once the ruin prove + 

Both of his honour, faith, and love. + 

But if he should forbear to go, + 

She might conclude h’ had broke his vow; + 

And that he durst not now, for shame, + 

Appear in court to try his claim. + 

This was the pen’worth of his thought, + 

To pass time, and uneasy trot. + 

Quoth he, In all my past adventures + 

I ne’er was set so on the tenters; + 

Or taken tardy with dilemma, + 

That ev’ry way I turn does hem me, + 

And with inextricable doubt + 

Besets my puzzled wits about: + 

For though the dame has been my bail, + 

To free me from enchanted jail, + 

Yet as a dog, committed close + 

For some offence, by chance breaks loose, + 

And quits his clog, but all in vain, + 

He still draws after him his chain; + 

So, though my ankle she has quitted, + 

My heart continues still committed: + 

And like a bail’d and mainpriz’d lover, + 

Altho’ at large, I am bound over: + 

And when I shall appear in court, + 

To plead my cause, and answer for’t, + 

Unless the judge do partial prove, + 

What will become of me and love? + 

For if in our account we vary, + 

Or but in circumstance miscarry; + 

Or if she put me to strict proof, + 

And make me pull my doublet off, + 

To shew, by evident record + 

Writ on my skin, I’ve kept my word; + 

How can I e’er expect to have her, + 

Having demurr’d unto her favour? + 

But faith, and love, and honour lost, + 

Shall be reduc’d t’ a Knight o’ th’ Post. + 

Beside, that stripping may prevent + 

What I’m to prove by argument, + 

And justify I have a tail; + 

And that way, too, my proof may fail. + 

Oh! that I could enucleate, + 

And solve the problems of my fate; + 

Or find, by necromantic art, + 

How far the dest’nies take my part! + 

For if I were not more than certain + 

To win and wear her, and her fortune, + 

I’d go no farther in this courtship, + 

To hazard soul, estate, and worship: + 

For though an oath obliges not + 

Where any thing is to be got, + 

(As thou hast prov’d), yet ’tis profane, + 

And sinful, when men swear in vain. + 

Quoth Ralph, Not far from hence doth dwell + 

A cunning man, hight Sidrophel, + 

That deals in destiny’s dark counsels, + 

And sage opinions of the moon sells; + 

To whom all people, far and near, + 

On deep importances repair; + 

When brass and pewter hap to stray, + 

And linen slinks out of the way; + 

When geese and pullen are seduc’d, + 

And sows of sucking-pigs are chows’d; + 

When cattle feel indisposition, + 

And need th’ opinion of physician; + 

When murrain reigns in hogs or sheep, + 

And chickens languish of the pip; + 

When yeast and outward means do fail, + 

And have no pow’r to work on ale; + 

When butter does refuse to come, + 

And love proves cross and humoursome; + 

To him with questions, and with urine, + 

They for discov’ry flock, or curing. + 

Quoth Hudibras, This Sidrophel + 

I’ve heard of, and should like it well, + 

If thou canst prove the Saints have freedom + 

To go to sorc’rers when they need ’em. + 

Says Ralpho, There’s no doubt of that; + 

Those principles I quoted late, + 

Prove that the godly may allege + 

For any thing their privilege; + 

And to the dev’l himself may go, + 

If they have motives thereunto. + 

For, as there is a war between + 

The dev’l and them, it is no sin, + 

If they by subtle stratagem + 

Make use of him, as he does them. + 

Has not this present Parliament + 

A Ledger to the devil sent, + 

Fully impowr’d to treat about + 

Finding revolted witches out? + 

And has not he, within a year, + 

Hang’d threescore of ’em in one shire? + 

Some only for not being drown’d, + 

And some for sitting above ground, + 

Whole days and nights, upon their breeches, + 

And feeling pain, were hang’d for witches; + 

And some for putting knavish tricks + 

Upon green geese and turkey-chicks, + 

Or pigs, that suddenly deceast + 

Of griefs unnat’ral, as he guest; + 

Who after prov’d himself a witch + 

And made a rod for his own breech. + 

Did not the Devil appear to Martin + 

Luther in Germany for certain? + 

And would have gull’d him with a trick, + 

But Martin was too politic. + 

Did he not help the Dutch to purge + 

At Antwerp their cathedral church? + 

Sing catches to the saints at Mascon, + 

And tell them all they came to ask him? + 

Appear’d in divers shapes to Kelly, + 

And speak i’ th’ Nun of Loudon’s belly? + 

Meet with the Parliament’s committee + 

At Woodstock on a pers’nal treaty? + 

At Sarum take a cavalier + 

I’ th’ cause’s service prisoner + 

As Withers, in immortal rhyme, + 

Has register’d to after-time! + 

Do not our great reformers use + 

This Sidrophel to forebode news? + 

To write of victories next year, + 

And castles taken yet i’ th’ air? + 

Of battles fought at sea, and ships + 

Sank two years hence, the last eclipse? + 

A total overthrow giv’n the king + 

In Cornwall, horse and foot, next spring? + 

And has not he point blank foretold + 

Whats’e’er the close committee would? + 

Made Mars and Saturn for the cause + 

The moon for fundamental laws? + 

The Ram, the Bull, and Goat declare + 

Against the Book of Common Pray’r? + 

The Scorpion take the Protestation, + 

And Bear engage for Reformation? + 

Made all the royal stars recant, + 

Compound and take the Covenant? + 

Quoth Hudibras, The case is clear, + 

The Saints may ’mploy a conjurer, + 

As thou hast prov’d it by their practice; + 

No argument like matter of fact is; + 

And we are best of all led to + 

Men’s principles by what they do. + 

Then let us straight advance in quest + 

Of this profound gymnosophist; + 

And as the fates and he advise, + 

Pursue or wave this enterprise. + 

This said, he turn’d about his steed, + 

And eftsoons on th’ adventure rid: + 

Where leave we him and Ralph a while, + 

And to the Conjurer turn our stile, + 

To let our reader understand + 

What’s useful of him beforehand. + 

He had been long t’wards mathematics, + 

Optics, philosophy, and statics, + 

Magic, horoscopy, astrology, + 

And was old dog at physiology; + 

But as a dog that turns the spit + 

Bestirs himself, and plies his feet, + 

To climb the wheel, but all in vain, + 

His own weight brings him down again; + 

And still he’s in the self-same place + 

Where at his setting out he was; + 

So in the circle of the arts + 

Did he advance his nat’ral parts, + 

Till falling back still, for retreat, + 

He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat: + 

For as those fowls that live in water + 

Are never wet, he did but smatter: + 

Whate’er he labour’d to appear, + 

His understanding still was clear: + 

Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted, + 

Since old Hodge Bacon and Bob Grosted. + 

Th’ intelligible world he knew, + 

And all men dream on’t to be true; + 

That in this world there’s not a wart + 

That has not there a counterpart; + 

Nor can there on the face of ground + 

An individual beard be found, + 

That has not, in that foreign nation, + 

A fellow of the self-same fashion; + 

So cut, so colour’d, and so curl’d, + 

As those are in th’ inferior world. + 

H’ had read Dee’s prefaces before, + 

The dev’l, and Euclid, o’er and o’er; + 

And all the intrigues ’twixt him and Kelly, + 

Lescus and th’ emperor, would tell ye; + 

But with the moon was more familiar + 

Than e’er was almanac well-willer; + 

Her secrets understood so clear, + 

That some believ’d he had been there; + 

Knew when she was in the fittest mood + 

For cutting corns, or letting blood; + 

When for anointing scabs or itches, + 

Or to the bum applying leeches; + 

When sows and bitches may be spay’d, + 

And in what sign best cider’s made: + 

Whether the wane be, or increase, + 

Best to set garlic, or sow peas; + 

Who first found out the Man i’ th’ Moon, + 

That to the ancients was unknown; + 

How many dukes, and earls, and peers, + 

Are in the planetary spheres; + 

Their airy empire and command, + 

Their sev’ral strengths by sea and land; + 

What factions th’ have, and what they drive at + 

In public vogue, or what in private; + 

With what designs and interests + 

Each party manages contests. + 

He made an instrument to know + 

If the moon shine at full or no; + 

That would as soon as e’er she shone, straight + 

Whether ’twere day or night demonstrate; + 

Tell what her d’meter t’ an inch is, + 

And prove that she’s not made of green cheese. + 

It would demonstrate, that the Man in + 

The Moon’s a sea Mediterranean; + 

And that it is no dog nor bitch, + 

That stands behind him at his breech, + 

But a huge Caspian Sea, or lake, + 

With arms, which men for legs mistake; + 

How large a gulf his tail composes, + 

And what a goodly bay his nose is; + 

How many German leagues by th’ scale + 

Cape Snout’s from Promontory Tail. + 

He made a planetary gin, + 

Which rats would run their own heads in, + 

And cause on purpose to be taken, + 

Without th’ expense of cheese or bacon. + 

With lute-strings he would counterfeit + 

Maggots that crawl on dish of meat: + 

Quote moles and spots on any place + 

O’ th’ body, by the index face: + 

Detect lost maidenheads by sneezing, + 

Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing; + 

Cure warts and corns with application + 

Of med’cines to th’ imagination, + 

Fright agues into dogs, and scare + 

With rhymes the tooth-ache and catarrh: + 

Chase evil spirits away by dint + 

Of sickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint; + 

Spit fire out of a walnut-shell, + 

Which made the Roman slaves rebel; + 

And fire a mine in China here, + 

With sympathetic gunpowder. + 

He knew whats’ever’s to be known, + 

But much more than he knew would own: + 

What med’cine ’twas that Paracelsus + 

Could make a man with, as he tells us; + 

What figur’d slates are best to make + 

On wat’ry surface duck or drake; + 

What bowling-stones, in running race + 

Upon a board, have swiftest pace; + 

Whether a pulse beat in the black + 

List of a dappled louse’s back; + 

If systole or diastole move + 

Quickest when he’s in wrath or love; + 

When two of them do run a race, + 

Whether they gallop, trot, or pace; + 

How many scores a flea will jump, + 

Of his own length, from head to rump; + 

Which Socrates and Chaerephon, + 

In vain, assay’d so long agone; + 

Whether his snout a perfect nose is, + 

And not an elephant’s proboscis; + 

How many diff’rent species + 

Of maggots breed in rotten cheese; + 

And which are next of kin to those + 

Engender’d in a chandler’s nose; + 

Or those not seen, but understood, + 

That live in vinegar and wood. + 

A paultry wretch he had, half-starv’d, + 

That him in place of Zany serv’d, + 

Hight Whachum, bred to dash and draw, + 

Not wine, but more unwholesome law; + 

To make ’twixt words and lines huge gaps, + 

Wide as meridians in maps; + 

To squander paper, and spare ink, + 

And cheat men of their words, some think. + 

From this, by merited degrees, + 

He’d to more high advancement rise; + 

To be an under conjurer, + 

A journeyman astrologer. + 

His business was to pump and wheedle, + 

And men with their own keys unriddle; + 

To make them to themselves give answers, + 

For which they pay the necromancers; + 

To fetch and carry intelligence, + 

Of whom, and what, and where, and whence, + 

And all discoveries disperse + 

Among th’ whole pack of conjurers; + 

What cut-purses have left with them, + 

For the right owners to redeem; + 

And what they dare not vent find out, + 

To gain themselves and th’ art repute; + 

Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes, + 

Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers’ shops, + 

Of thieves ascendant in the cart, + 

And find out all by rules of art; + 

Which way a serving man, that’s run + 

With clothes or money away, is gone; + 

Who pick’d a fob at holding forth, + 

And where a watch, for half the worth, + 

May be redeem’d; or stolen plate + 

Restor’d at conscionable rate. + 

Beside all this, he serv’d his master + 

In quality of poetaster; + 

And rhymes appropriate could make + 

To ev’ry month i’ th’ almanac; + 

What terms begin and end could tell, + 

With their returns, in doggerel: + 

When the Exchequer opes and shuts, + 

And sow-gelder with safety cuts; + 

When men may eat and drink their fill, + 

And when be temp’rate if they will; + 

When use, and when abstain from vice, + 

Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice. + 

And as in prison mean rogues beat + 

Hemp for the service of the great, + 

So Whachum beats his dirty brains, + 

T’ advance his master’s fame and gains, + 

And like the devil’s oracles, + 

Put into dogg’rel rhymes his spells, + 

Which, over ev’ry month’s blank page + 

I’ th’ almanac, strange bilks presage. + 

He would an elegy compose + 

On maggots squeez’d out of his nose: + 

In lyric numbers write an ode on + 

His mistress, eating a black-pudding; + 

And when imprison’d air escap’d her, + 

It puft him with poetic rapture. + 

His sonnets charm’d th’ attentive crowd, + 

By wide-mouth’d mortal troll’d aloud, + 

That, circl’d with his long-ear’d guests, + 

Like Orpheus look’d among the beasts. + 

A carman’s horse could not pass by, + 

But stood ty’d up to poetry: + 

No porter’s burden pass’d along, + 

But serv’d for burden to his song: + 

Each window like a pill’ry appears, + 

With heads thrust through, nail’d by the ears: + 

All trades run in as to the sight + 

Of monsters, or their dear delight + 

The gallows-tree, when cutting purse + 

Breeds bus’ness for heroic verse, + 

Which none does hear, but would have hung + 

T’ have been the theme of such a song. + 

Those two together long had liv’d, + 

In mansion prudently contriv’d, + 

Where neither tree nor house could bar + 

The free detection of a star + 

And nigh an ancient obelisk + 

Was rais’d by him, found out by Fisk, + 

On which was a written, not in words, + 

But hieroglyphic mute of birds, + 

Many rare pithy saws concerning + 

The worth of astrologic learning. + 

From top of this there hung a rope, + 

To which he fasten’d telescope: + 

The spectacles with which the stars + 

He reads in smallest characters. + 

It happen’d as a boy, one night, + 

Did fly his tassel of a kite, + 

The strangest long-wing’d hawk that flies, + 

That, like a bird of Paradise, + 

Or herald’s martlet, has no legs, + 

Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs; + 

His train was six yards long, milk-white, + 

At th’ end of which there hung a light, + 

Inclos’d in lantern, made of paper, + 

That far off like a star did appear: + 

This Sidrophel by chance espy’d, + 

And with amazement staring wide, + 

Bless us! quoth he, what dreadful wonder + 

Is that appears in heaven yonder? + 

A comet, and without a beard! + 

Or star that ne’er before appear’d? + 

I’m certain ’tis not in the scrowl + 

Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl, + 

With which, like Indian plantations, + 

The learned stock the constellations; + 

Nor those that draw for signs have been + 

To th’ houses where the planets inn. + 

It must be supernatural, + 

Unless it be that cannon-ball + 

That, shot i’ th’ air point-blank upright, + 

Was borne to that prodigious height, + 

That, learn’d philosophers maintain. + 

It ne’er came backwards down again, + 

But in the airy region yet + 

Hangs like the body of Mahomet: + 

For if it be above the shade + 

That by the earth’s round bulk is made, + 

’Tis probable it may from far + 

Appear no bullet, but a star. + 

This said, he to his engine flew, + 

Plac’d near at hand, in open view, + 

And rais’d it till it levell’d right + 

Against the glow-worm tail of kite; + 

Then peeping through, Bless us! (quoth he) + 

It is a planet, now, I see; + 

And, if I err not, by his proper + 

Figure, that’s like tobacco-stopper, + 

It should be Saturn. Yes, ’tis clear + 

’Tis Saturn; but what makes him there? + 

He’s got between the dragon’s tail + 

And farther leg behind o’ th’ whale. + 

Pray heav’n avert the fatal omen, + 

For ’tis a prodigy not common; + 

And can no less than the world’s end, + 

Or Nature’s funeral, portend. + 

With that he fell again to pry + 

Thro’ perspective more wistfully, + 

When by mischance the fatal string, + 

That kept the tow’ring fowl on wing, + 

Breaking, down fell the star. Well shot, + 

Quoth Whachum, who right wisely thought + 

H’ had levell’d at a star, and hit it: + 

But Sidrophel, more subtle-witted, + 

Cry’d out, What horrible and fearful + 

Portent is this, to see a star fall? + 

It threatens nature, and the doom + 

Will not be long before it come! + 

When stars do fall, ’tis plain enough, + 

The day of judgment’s not far off; + 

As lately ’twas reveal’d to Sedgwick, + 

And some of us find out by magic. + 

Then since the time we have to live + 

In this world’s shorten’d, let us strive + 

To make our best advantage of it, + 

And pay our losses with our profit. + 

This feat fell out not long before + 

The Knight, upon the forenam’d score, + 

In quest of Sidrophel advancing + 

Was now in prospect of the mansion + 

Whom he discov’ring, turn’d his glass, + 

And found far off, ’twas Hudibras. + 

Whachum, (quoth he), look yonder, some + 

To try or use our art are come: + 

The one’s the learned Knight: seek out, + 

And pump ’em what they come about. + 

Whachum advanc’d, with all submiss’ness, + 

T’ accost ’em, but much more their bus’ness: + 

He held a stirrup, while the Knight + 

From leathern bare-bones did alight; + 

And taking from his hand the bridle, + 

Approach’d the dark Squire to unriddle. + 

He gave him first the time o’ th’ day, + 

And welcom’d him, as he might say: + 

He ask’d him whence he came, and whither + 

Their bus’ness lay? Quoth Ralpho, Hither. + 

Did you not lose? Quoth Ralpho, Nay, + 

Quoth Whachum, Sir, I meant your way! + 

Your Knight⁠—Quoth Ralpho, Is a lover, + 

And pains intolerable doth suffer: + 

For lovers’ hearts are not their own hearts, + 

Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards. + 

What time, (quoth Whachum), Sir?⁠—Too long; + 

Three years it off and on has hung.⁠— + 

Quoth he, I meant what time o’ th’ day ’tis⁠— + 

Quoth Ralpho, Between seven and eight ’tis.⁠— + 

Why then (quoth Whachum), my small art + 

Tells me, the dame has a hard heart, + 

Or great estate.⁠—Quoth Ralph, A jointure, + 

Which makes him have so hot a mind t’ her. + 

Meanwhile the Knight was making water, + 

Before he fell upon the matter, + 

Which having done, the Wizard steps in, + 

To give him suitable reception; + 

But kept his bus’ness at a bay, + 

Till Whachum put him in the way; + 

Who having now, by Ralpho’s light, + 

Expounded th’ errand of the Knight, + 

And what he came to know, drew near, + 

To whisper in the conj’rer’s ear, + 

Which he prevented thus: What was’t, + 

Quoth he, that I was saying last, + 

Before these gentlemen arriv’d? + 

Quoth Whachum, Venus you retriev’d, + 

In opposition with Mars, + 

And no benign and friendly stars + 

T’ allay the effect.⁠—Quoth Wizard, So! + 

In Virgo? Ha!⁠—Quoth Whachum, No. + 

Has Saturn nothing to do in it? + 

One-tenth of ’s circle to a minute. + 

’Tis well, quoth he.⁠—Sir, you’ll excuse + 

This rudeness I am forc’d to use: + 

It is a scheme and face of Heaven, + 

As th’ aspects are dispos’d this even, + 

I was contemplating upon + 

When you arriv’d; but now I’ve done. + 

Quoth Hudibras, If I appear + 

Unseasonable in coming here + 

At such a tone, to interrupt + 

Your speculations, which I hop’d + 

Assistance from, and come to use, + 

’Tis fit that I ask your excuse. + 

By no means, Sir, quoth Sidrophel; + 

The stars your coming did foretel: + 

I did expect you here, and knew, + 

Before you spake, your bus’ness too. + 

Quoth Hudibras, Make that appear, + 

And I shall credit whatsoe’er + 

You tell me after on your word, + 

Howe’er unlikely or absurd. + 

You are in love, Sir, with a widow, + 

Quoth he, that does not greatly heed you, + 

And for three years has rid your wit + 

And passion without drawing bit; + 

And now your bus’ness is to know, + 

If you shall carry her or no. + 

Quoth Hudibras, You’re in the right; + 

But how the devil you came by’t + 

I can’t imagine; for the stars, + 

I’m sure, can tell no more than a horse; + 

Nor can their aspects (though you pore + 

Your eyes out on ’em) tell you more + 

Than th’ oracle of sieve and sheers, + 

That turns as certain as the spheres: + 

But if the devil’s of your counsel, + 

Much may be done, my noble Donzel; + 

And ’tis on his account I come, + 

To know from you my fatal doom. + 

Quoth Sidrophel, If you suppose, + 

Sir Knight, that I am one of those, + 

I might suspect, and take the alarm, + 

Your bus’ness is but to inform; + 

But if it be, ’tis ne’er the near; + 

You have a wrong sow by the ear; + 

For I assure you, for my part, + 

I only deal by rules of art, + 

Such as are lawful, and judge by + 

Conclusions of astrology: + 

But for the dev’l, know nothing by him; + 

But only this, that I defy him. + 

Quoth he, Whatever others deem ye, + 

I understand your metonymy: + 

Your words of second-hand intention, + 

When things by wrongful names you mention; + 

The mystic sense of all your terms, + 

That are, indeed, but magic charms + 

To raise the devil, and mean one thing, + 

And that is downright conjuring; + 

And in itself more warrantable, + 

Than cheat or canting to a rabble, + 

Or putting tricks upon the moon, + 

Which by confed’racy are done. + 

Your ancient conjurers were wont + 

To make her from her sphere dismount, + 

And to their incantations stoop: + 

They scorn’d to pore through telescope, + 

Or idly play at bo-peep with her, + 

To find out cloudy or fair weather, + 

Which ev’ry almanac can tell, + 

Perhaps, as learnedly and well + 

As you yourself.⁠—Then, friend, I doubt + 

You go the farthest way about. + 

Your modern Indian magician + 

Makes but a hole in th’ earth to piss in, + 

And straight resolves all questions by’t, + 

And seldom fails to be i’ th’ right. + 

The Rosy-crucian way’s more sure, + 

To bring the devil to the lure; + 

Each of ’em has a sev’ral gin + 

To catch intelligences in. + 

Some by the nose with fumes trepan ’em, + 

As Dunstan did the devil’s grannam; + 

Others with characters and words + 

Catch ’em, as men in nets do birds; + 

And some with symbols, signs, and tricks, + 

Engrav’d with planetary nicks, + 

With their own influences will fetch ’em + 

Down from their orbs, arrest, and catch ’em; + 

Make ’em depose and answer to + 

All questions, ere they let them go. + 

Bombastus kept a devil’s bird + 

Shut in the pummel of his sword, + 

That taught him all the cunning pranks + 

Of past and future mountebanks. + 

Kelly did all his feats upon + 

The devil’s looking-glass, a stone; + 

Where playing with him at bo-peep, + 

He solv’d all problems ne’er so deep. + 

Agrippa kept a Stygian pug, + 

I’ th’ garb and habit of a dog, + 

That was his tutor, and the cur + 

Read to th’ occult philosopher, + 

And taught him subt’ly to maintain + 

All other sciences are vain. + 

To this, quoth Sidrophello, Sir, + 

Agrippa was no conjurer, + 

Nor Paracelsus, no, nor Behmen; + 

Nor was the dog a Cacodaemon, + 

But a true dog, that would show tricks + 

For th’ emperor, and leap o’er sticks; + 

Would fetch and carry; was more civil + 

Than other dogs, but yet no devil; + 

And whatsoe’er he’s said to do, + 

He went the self-same way we go. + 

As for the Rosy-cross philosophers, + 

Whom you will have to be but sorcerers, + 

What they pretend to is no more, + 

Than Trismegistus did before, + 

Pythagoras, old Zoroaster, + 

And Apollonius their master; + 

To whom they do confess they owe + 

All that they do, and all they know. + 

Quoth Hudibras, Alas! what is’t t’ us, + 

Whether ’twas said by Trismegistus, + 

If it be nonsense, false, or mystic, + 

Or not intelligible, or sophistic? + 

’Tis not antiquity nor author, + 

That makes Truth truth, altho’ Time’s daughter; + 

’Twas he that put her in the pit + 

Before he pull’d her out of it; + 

And as he eats his sons, just so + 

He feeds upon his daughters too. + 

Nor does it follow, ’cause a herald + 

Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, + 

To be descended of a race + 

Of ancient kings in a small space, + 

That we should all opinions hold + 

Authentic that we can make old. + 

Quoth Sidrophel, It is no part + 

Of prudence to cry down an art, + 

And what it may perform deny, + 

Because you understand not why + 

(As Averrhois play’d but a mean trick + 

To damn our whole art for eccentric:) + 

For who knows all that knowledge contains + 

Men dwell not on the tops of mountains, + 

But on their sides, or rising’s seat; + 

So ’tis with knowledge’s vast height. + 

Do not the hist’ries of all ages + 

Relate miraculous presages, + 

Of strange turns in the world’s affairs, + 

Foreseen b’ astrologers, soothsayers, + 

Chaldeans, learn’d Genethliacs, + 

And some that have writ almanacs? + 

The Median emp’ror dreamt his daughter + 

Had pist all Asia under water, + 

And that a vine sprung from her haunches, + 

O’erspread his empire with its branches: + 

And did not soothsayers expound it, + 

As after by th’ event he found it? + 

When Caesar in the senate fell, + 

Did not the sun eclips’d foretel, + 

And in resentment of his slaughter, + 

Look’d pale for almost a year after? + 

Augustus having b’ oversight, + 

Put on his left shoe ’fore his right, + 

Had like to have been slain that day + 

By soldiers mutin’ing for pay. + 

Are there not myriads of this sort, + 

Which stories of all times report? + 

Is it not ominous in all countries + 

When crows and ravens croak upon trees? + 

The Roman senate, when within + 

The city walls an owl was seen + 

Did cause their clergy, with lustrations + 

(Our synod calls humiliations,) + 

The round-fac’d prodigy t’avert + 

From doing town or country hurt: + 

And if an owl had so much pow’r, + 

Why should not planets have much more, + 

That in a region far above + 

Inferior fowls of the air move, + 

And should see further, and foreknow + 

More than their augury below? + 

Though that once serv’d the polity + 

Of mighty states to govern by; + 

And this is what we take in hand + 

By pow’rful art to understand; + 

Which, how we have perform’d all ages + 

Can speak th’ events of our presages; + 

Have we not lately, in the moon, + 

Found a new world, to th’ old unknown? + 

Discover’d sea and land, Columbus + 

And Magellan could never compass? + 

Made mountains with our tubes appear, + 

And cattle grazing on ’em there? + 

Quoth Hudibras, You lie so ope, + 

That I, without a telescope, + 

Can mind your tricks out, and descry + 

Where you tell truth, and where you lie: + 

For Anaxagoras, long agone, + 

Saw hills, as well as you, i’ th’ moon; + 

And held the sun was but a piece + 

Of red-hot ir’n, as big as Greece; + 

Believ’d the Heav’ns were made of stone, + 

Because the sun had voided one; + 

And, rather than he would recant + 

Th’ opinion, suffer’d banishment. + 

But what, alas! is it to us, + 

Whether i’ th’ moon men thus or thus + 

Do eat their porridge, cut their corns, + 

Or whether they have tails or horns? + 

What trade from thence can you advance, + 

But what we nearer have from France? + 

What can our travellers bring home, + 

That is not to be learnt at Rome? + 

What politics, or strange opinions, + 

That are not in our own dominions? + 

What science can he brought from thence, + 

In which we do not here commence? + 

What revelations, or religions, + 

That are not in our native regions? + 

Are sweating lanterns, or screen-fans, + 

Made better there than th’ are in France? + 

Or do they teach to sing and play + 

O’ th’ guitar there a newer way? + 

Can they make plays there, that shall fit + 

The public humour, with less wit? + 

Write wittier dances, quainter shows, + 

Or fight with more ingenious blows? + 

Or does the Man i’ th’ Moon look big, + 

And wear a huger periwig, + 

Show in his gait or face more tricks + 

Than our own native lunatics? + 

And if w’ outdo him here at home, + 

What good of your design can come? + 

As wind, i’ th’ hypocondries pent, + 

Is but a blast if downward sent, + 

But if it upward chance to fly, + 

Becomes new Light and prophecy; + 

So when your speculations tend + 

Above their just and useful end, + 

Although they promise strange and great + 

Discoveries of things far set, + 

They are but idle dreams and fancies, + 

And savour strongly of the ganzas. + 

Tell me but what’s the natural cause, + 

Why on a sign no painter draws + 

The full moon ever, but the half? + 

Resolve that with your Jacob’s staff; + 

Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her, + 

And dogs howl when she shines in water; + 

And I shall freely give my vote, + 

You may know something more remote. + 

At this deep Sidrophel look’d wise, + 

And staring round with owl-like eyes, + 

He put his face into a posture + 

Of sapience, and began to bluster: + 

For having three times shook his head + 

To stir his wit up, thus he said: + 

Art has no mortal enemies, + 

Next ignorance, but owls and geese: + 

Those consecrated geese in orders, + 

That to the Capitol were warders; + 

And being then upon patrol, + 

With noise alone beat off the Gaul: + 

Or those Athenian sceptic owls, + 

That will not credit their own souls; + 

Or any science understand, + 

Beyond the reach of eye or hand; + 

But meas’ring all things by their own + 

Knowledge, hold nothing’s to be known: + 

Those wholesale critics, that in coffee- + 

Houses cry down all philosophy, + 

And will not know upon what ground + 

In nature we our doctrine found, + 

Altho’ with pregnant evidence + 

We can demonstrate it to sense, + 

As I just now have done to you, + 

Foretelling what you came to know. + 

Were the stars only made to light + 

Robbers and burglarers by night? + 

To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders, + 

And lovers solacing behind doors, + 

Or giving one another pledges + 

Of matrimony under hedges? + 

Or witches simpling, and on gibbets + 

Cutting from malefactors snippets? + 

Or from the pillory tips of ears + 

Of rebel saints and perjurers? + 

Only to stand by, and look on, + 

But not know what is said or done? + 

Is there a constellation there, + 

That was not born and bred up here; + 

And therefore cannot be to learn + 

In any inferior concern? + 

Were they not, during all their lives, + 

Most of ’em pirates, whores and thieves? + 

And is it like they have not still + 

In their old practices some skill? + 

Is there a planet that by birth + 

Does not derive its house from earth? + 

And therefore probably must know, + 

What is and hath been done below. + 

Who made the Balance, or whence came + 

The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram? + 

Did not we here the Argo rig? + 

Make Berenice’s periwig? + 

Whose liv’ry does the Coachman wear? + 

Or who made Cassiopeia’s chair? + 

And therefore, as they came from hence, + 

With us may hold intelligence. + 

Plato deny’d the world can be + 

Govern’d without geometry, + 

(For money b’ing the common scale + 

Of things by measure, weight, and tale, + 

In all th’ affairs of church and state, + 

’Tis both the balance and the weight); + 

Then much less can it be without + 

Divine astrology made out; + 

That puts the other down in worth, + 

As far as heav’n ’s above the earth. + 

These reasons (quoth the Knight) I grant + 

Are something more significant + 

Than any that the learned use + 

Upon this subject to produce; + 

And yet th’ are far from satisfactory, + 

T’ establish and keep up your factory. + 

Th’ Egyptians say, the Sun has twice + 

Shifted his setting and his rise; + 

Twice has he risen in the west, + 

As many times set in the east: + 

But whether that be true or no, + 

The devil any of you know. + 

Some hold the heavens like a top, + 

And kept by circulation up, + 

And, wer’t not for their wheeling round, + 

They’d instantly fall to the ground: + 

As sage Empedocles of old, + 

And from him modern authors hold. + 

Plato believ’d the Sun and Moon + 

Below all other planets run. + 

Some Mercury, some Venus, seat + 

Above the Sun himself in height. + 

The learned Scaliger complain’d, + 

’Gainst what Copernicus maintain’d, + 

That, in twelve hundred years and odd, + 

The Sun had left its ancient road, + 

And nearer to time earth is come + 

’Bove fifty thousand miles from home: + 

Swore ’twas a most notorious flam; + 

And he that had so little shame + 

To vent such fopperies abroad, + 

Deserv’d to have his rump well claw’d; + 

Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore + 

That he deserv’d the rod much more, + 

That durst upon a truth give doom, + 

He knew less than the Pope of Rome. + 

Cardan believ’d great states depend + 

Upon the tip o’ th’ Bear’s tail’s end; + 

That, as she whisk’d it t’wards the Sun, + 

Strew’d mighty empires up and down; + 

Which others say must needs be false, + 

Because your true bears have no tails. + 

Some say the Zodiac constellations + 

Have long since chang’d their antique stations + 

Above a sign, and prove the same + 

In Taurus now, once in the Ram; + 

Affirm the trigons chopp’d and chang’d, + 

The wat’ry with the fiery rang’d: + 

Then how can their effects still hold + 

To be the same they were of old? + 

This, though the art were true, would make + 

Our modern soothsayers mistake: + 

And in one cause they tell more lies, + 

In figures and nativities, + 

Than th’ old Chaldean conjurers + 

In so many hundred thousand years; + 

Beside their nonsense in translating, + 

For want of accidence and Latin, + 

Like Idus, and Calendae, Englisht + 

The quarter-days, by skilful linguist; + 

And yet with canting, sleight, and cheat, + 

’Twill serve their turn to do the feat; + 

Make fools believe in their foreseeing + 

Of things before they are in being; + 

To swallow gudgeons ere th’ are catch’d, + 

And count their chickens ere th’ are hatch’d; + 

Make them the constellations prompt, + 

And give ’em back their own accompt; + 

But still the best to him that gives + 

The best price for’t, or best believes. + 

Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, + 

Have cast the ’versal world’s nativity, + 

And made the infant-stars confess, + 

Like fools or children, what they please. + 

Some calculate the hidden fates + 

Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats; + 

Some running-nags and fighting-cocks, + 

Some love, trade, law-suits, and the pox: + 

Some take a measure of the lives + 

Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives: + 

Make opposition, trine, and quartile, + 

Tell who is barren, and who fertile; + 

As if the planets’ first aspect + 

The tender infant did infect + 

In soul and body, and instil + 

All future good, and future ill; + 

Which, in their dark fatalities lurking, + 

At destin’d periods fall a working; + 

And break out, like the hidden seeds + 

Of long diseases, into deeds, + 

In friendships, enmities, and strife, + 

And all th’ emergencies of life. + 

No sooner does he peep into + 

The world, but he has done his do; + 

Catch’d all diseases, took all physic + 

That cures or kills a man that is sick; + 

Marry’d his punctual dose of wives; + 

Is cuckolded, and breaks or thrives. + 

There’s but the twinkling of a star + 

Between a man of peace and war; + 

A thief and justice, fool and knave, + 

A huffing officer and a slave; + 

A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket, + 

A great philosopher and a blockhead; + 

A formal preacher and a player, + 

A learn’d physician and manslayer. + 

As if men from the stars did suck + 

Old age, diseases, and ill-luck, + 

Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, + 

Trade, travel, women, claps, and dice; + 

And draw, with the first air they breathe, + 

Battle and murder, sudden death. + 

Are not these fine commodities + 

To be imported from the skies, + 

And vended here amongst the rabble, + 

For staple goods and warrantable? + 

Like money by the Druids borrow’d, + 

In th’ other world to be restor’d? + 

Quoth Sidrophel, To let you know + 

You wrong the art, and artists too, + 

Since arguments are lost on those + 

That do our principles oppose, + 

I will (although I’ve done’t before) + 

Demonstrate to your sense once more, + 

And draw a figure, that shall tell you, + 

What you, perhaps, forget befell you, + 

By way of horary inspection, + 

Which some account our worst erection. + 

With that he circles draws, and squares, + 

With cyphers, astral characters; + 

Then looks ’em o’er, to understand ’em, + 

Although set down hab-nab, at random. + 

Quoth he, This scheme of th’ heavens set, + 

Discovers how in fight you met + 

At Kingston with a May-pole idol, + 

And that y’ were bang’d both back and side well; + 

And though you overcame the bear, + 

The dogs beat you at Brentford fair; + 

Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle, + 

And handled you like a fop-doodle. + 

Quoth Hudibras, I now perceive + 

You are no conj’rer, by your leave; + 

That paltry story is untrue, + 

And forg’d to cheat such gulls as you. + 

Not true? quoth he; howe’er you vapour, + 

I can what I affirm make appear: + 

Whachum shall justify it t’ your face, + 

And prove he was upon the place. + 

He play’d the Saltinbancho’s part, + 

Transform’d t’ a Frenchman by my art: + 

He stole your cloak, and pick’d your pocket, + 

Chows’d and caldes’d ye like a blockhead: + 

And what you lost I can produce, + 

If you deny it, here i’ th’ house. + 

Quoth Hudibras, I do believe + 

That argument’s demonstrative. + 

Ralpho, bear witness; and go fetch us + 

A constable to seize the wretches: + 

For though th’ are both false knaves and cheats, + 

Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits, + 

I’ll make them serve for perpendiculars, + 

As true as e’er were us’d by bricklayers. + 

They’re guilty, by their own confessions, + 

Of felony; and at the sessions, + 

Upon the bench, I will so handle ’em, + 

That the vibration of this pendulum + 

Shalt make all tailors’ yards of one + 

Unanimous opinion; + 

A thing he long has vapour’d of, + 

But now shall make it out by proof. + 

Quoth Sidrophel, I do not doubt + 

To find friends that will bear me out: + 

Nor have I hazarded my art, + 

And neck, so long on the state’s part, + 

To be expos’d i’ th’ end to suffer + 

By such a braggadocio huffer. + 

Huffer! quoth Hudibras: this sword + 

Shall down thy false throat craw that word. + 

Ralpho, make haste, and call an officer, + 

To apprehend this Stygian sophister; + 

Meanwhile I’ll hold ’em at a bay, + 

Lest he and Whachum run away. + 

But Sidrophel who, from th’ aspect + 

Of Hudibras, did now erect + 

A figure worse portenting far + 

Than that of a malignant star, + 

Believ’d it now the fittest moment + 

To shun the danger that might come on’t, + 

While Hudibras was all alone, + 

And he and Whachum, two to one. + 

This being resolv’d, he spy’d, by chance, + 

Behind the door, an iron lance, + 

That many a sturdy limb had gor’d, + 

And legs, and loins, and shoulders bor’d: + 

He snatch’d it up, and made a pass, + 

To make his way through Hudibras. + 

Whachum had got a fire-fork, + 

With which he vow’d to do his work. + 

But Hudibras was well prepar’d, + 

And stoutly stood upon his guard; + 

He put by Sidrophello’s thrust, + 

And in right manfully he rusht: + 

The weapon from his gripe he wrung, + 

And laid him on the earth along. + 

Whachum his sea-coal prong threw by, + 

And basely turn’d his back to fly: + 

But Hudibras gave him a twitch + 

As quick as lightning in the breech, + 

Just in the place where honour’s lodg’d, + 

As wise philosophers have judg’d; + 

Because a kick in that place more + 

Hurts honour than deep wounds before. + 

Quoth Hudibras, The stars determine + 

You are my prisoners, base vermin! + 

Could they not tell you so as well + 

As what I came to know foretell? + 

By this what cheats you are we find, + 

That in your own concerns are blind. + 

Your lives are now at my dispose, + 

To be redeem’d by fine or blows: + 

But who his honour would defile, + 

To take or sell two lives so vile? + 

I’ll give you quarter; but your pillage, + 

The conqu’ring warrior’s crop and tillage, + 

Which with his sword he reaps and ploughs, + 

That’s mine, the law of arms allows. + 

This said in haste, in haste he fell + 

To rummaging of Sidrophel. + 

First, he expounded both his pockets, + 

And found a watch with rings and lockets, + 

Which had been left with him t’ erect + 

A figure for, and so detect; + 

A copper-plate, with almanacs + 

Engrav’d upon ’t; with other knacks, + 

Of Booker’s, Lilly’s, Sarah Jimmers’, + 

And blank-schemes t’ discover nimmers; + 

A moon-dial, with Napier’s bones, + 

And several constellation stones, + 

Engrav’d in planetary hours, + 

That over mortals had strange powers + 

To make ’em thrive in law or trade, + 

And stab or poison to evade; + 

In wit or wisdom to improve, + 

And be victorious in love. + 

Whachum had neither cross nor pile; + 

His plunder was not worth the while; + 

All which the conqu’ror did discompt, + 

To pay for curing of his rump. + 

But Sidrophel, as full of tricks + 

As Rota-men of politics, + 

Straight cast about to over-reach + 

Th’ unwary conqu’ror with a fetch, + 

And make him clad (at least) to quit + 

His victory, and fly the pit, + 

Before the secular prince of darkness + 

Arriv’d to seize upon his carcass: + 

And as a fox with hot pursuit + 

Chas’d thro’ a warren, casts about + 

To save his credit, and among + 

Dead vermin on a gallows hung, + 

And while the dogs run underneath, + 

Escap’d (by counterfeiting death) + 

Not out of cunning, but a train + 

Of atoms jostling in his brain, + 

As learn’d philosophers give out, + 

So Sidrophello cast about, + 

And fell to ’s wonted trade again, + 

To feign himself in earnest slain: + 

First stretch’d out one leg, than another, + 

And seeming in his breath to smother + 

A broken sigh, quoth he, Where am I, + 

Alive or dead? or which way came I, + 

Through so immense a space so soon + 

But now I thought myself i’ th’ moon; + 

And that a monster with huge whiskers, + 

More formidable than a Switzer’s, + 

My body through and through had drill’d, + 

And Whachum by my side had kill’d; + 

Had cross-examin’d both our hose, + 

And plunder’d all we had to lose. + 

Look, there he is: I see him now, + 

And feel the place I am run through: + 

And there lies Whachum by my side + 

Stone dead, and in his own blood dy’d. + 

Oh! oh! with that he fetch’d a groan, + 

And fell again into a swoon; + 

Shut both his eyes, and stopp’d his breath, + 

And to the life out-acted death; + 

That Hudibras, to all appearing, + 

Believ’d him to be dead as herring. + 

He held it now no longer safe + 

To tarry the return of Ralph, + 

But rather leave him in the lurch: + 

Thought he, he has abus’d our church, + 

Refus’d to give himself one firk + 

To carry on the public work; + 

Despis’d our synod-men like dirt, + 

And made their discipline his sport; + 

Divulg’d the secrets of their classes, + 

And their conventions prov’d high places; + 

Disparag’d their tithe-pigs as Pagan, + 

And set at nought their cheese and bacon; + 

Rail’d at their Covenant, and jeer’d + 

Their rev’rend parsons to my beard: + 

For all which scandals, to be quit + 

At once, this juncture falls out fit, + 

I’ll make him henceforth to beware, + 

And tempt my fury, if he dare, + 

He must at least hold up his hand, + 

By twelve freeholders to be scann’d; + 

Who, by their skill in palmistry, + 

Will quickly read his destiny; + 

And make him glad to read his lesson, + 

Or take a turn for ’t at the session; + 

Unless his light and gifts prove truer + 

Then ever yet they did, I’m sure; + 

For if he ’scape with whipping now, + 

’Tis more than he can hope to do; + 

And that will disengage my conscience + 

Of th’ obligation in his own sense. + 

I’ll make him now by force abide + 

What he by gentle means deny’d, + 

To give my honour satisfaction, + 

And right the brethren in the action. + 

This being resolv’d, with equal speed + 

And conduct he approach’d his steed, + 

And with activity unwont, + 

Assay’d the lofty beast to mount; + 

Which once achiev’d, he spurr’d his palfrey, + 

To get from th’ enemy and Ralph free: + 

Left dangers, fears, and foes behind, + 

And beat, at least three lengths, the wind. + 

Well! Sidrophel, though ’tis in vain + 

To tamper with your crazy brain, + 

Without trepanning of your skull + 

As often as the moon’s at full, + 

’Tis not amiss, ere y’ are giv’n o’er, + 

To try one desp’rate med’cine more: + 

For where your case can be no worse, + 

The desperat’st is the wisest course. + 

Is’t possible that you, whose ears + 

Are of the tribe of Issachar’s, + 

And might (with equal reason) either + 

For merit, or extent of leather, + 

With William Pryn’s, before they were + 

Retrench’d and crucify’d, compare, + 

Shou’d yet be deaf against a noise + 

So roaring as the public voice? + 

That speaks your virtues free, and loud, + 

And openly, in ev’ry crowd, + 

As loud as one that sings his part + 

T’ a wheel-barrow or turnip cart, + 

Or your new nick-nam’d old invention + 

To cry green hastings with an engine + 

(As if the vehemence had stunn’d, + 

And turn your drum-heads with the sound;) + 

And ’cause your folly’s now no news, + 

But overgrown, and out of use, + 

Persuade yourself there’s no such matter, + 

But that ’tis vanish’d out of nature; + 

When folly, as it grows in years, + 

The more extravagant appears; + 

For who but you could be possest + 

With so much ignorance, and beast, + 

That neither all mens’ scorn and hate, + 

Nor being laugh’d and pointed at, + 

Nor bray’d so often in a mortar, + 

Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture; + 

But (like a reprobate) what course + 

Soever’s us’d, grow worse and worse? + 

Can no transfusion of the blood, + 

That makes fools cattle, do you good? + 

Nor putting pigs t’ a bitch to nurse, + 

To turn ’em into mongrel-curs, + 

Put you into a way, at least, + 

To make yourself a better beast? + 

Can all your critical intrigues + 

Of trying sound from rotten eggs; + 

Your several new-found remedies + 

Of curing wounds and scabs in trees; + 

Your arts of flexing them for claps, + 

And purging their infected saps; + 

Recov’ring shankers, crystallines, + 

And nodes and botches in their rinds, + 

Have no effect to operate + 

Upon that duller block, your pate? + 

But still it must be lewdly bent + 

To tempt your own due punishment; + 

And, like your whimsy’d chariots, draw + 

The boys to course you without law; + 

As if the art you have so long + 

Profess’d, of making old dogs young, + 

In you had virtue to renew + 

Not only youth, but childhood too. + 

Can you, that understand all books, + 

By judging only with your looks, + 

Resolve all problems with your face, + 

As others do with B’s and A’s; + 

Unriddle all that mankind knows + 

With solid bending of your brows; + 

All arts and sciences advance, + 

With screwing of your countenance, + 

And, with a penetrating eye, + 

Into th’ abstrusest learning pry? + 

Know more of any trade b’ a hint, + 

Than those that have been bred up in’t; + 

And yet have no art, true or false, + 

To help your own bad naturals? + 

But still, the more you strive t’ appear, + 

Are found to be the wretcheder: + 

For fools are known by looking wise, + 

As men find woodcocks by their eyes. + 

Hence ’tis, that ’cause y’ have gain’d o’ th’ college + 

A quarter share (at most) of knowledge, + 

And brought in none, but spent repute, + 

Y’ assume a pow’r as absolute + 

To judge, and censure, and control, + 

As if you were the sole Sir Poll; + 

And saucily pretend to know + 

More than your dividend comes to. + 

You’ll find the thing will not be done + 

With ignorance and face alone; + 

No, though y’ have purchas’d to your name, + 

In history, so great a fame; + 

That now your talents, so well known, + 

For having all belief out-grown, + 

That ev’ry strange prodigious tale + 

Is measur’d by your German scale; + 

By which the virtuosi try + 

The magnitude of ev’ry lie, + 

Cast up to what it does amount, + 

And place the bigg’st to your account; + 

That all those stories that are laid + 

Too truly to you, and those made, + 

Are now still charg’d upon your score, + 

And lesser authors nam’d no more. + 

Alas! that faculty betrays + 

Those soonest it designs to raise; + 

And all your vain renown will spoil, + 

As guns o’ercharg’d the more recoil. + 

Though he that has but impudence, + 

To all things has a fair pretence; + 

And put among his wants but shame + 

To all the world may lay his claim; + 

Though you have try’d that nothing’s borne + 

With greater ease than public scorn, + 

That all affronts do still give place + 

To your impenetrable face, + 

That makes your way through all affairs, + 

As pigs through hedges creep with theirs; + 

Yet as ’tis counterfeit and brass, + 

You must not think ’twill always pass; + 

For all impostors, when they’re known, + 

Are past their labour, and undone: + 

And all the best that can befall + 

An artificial natural, + 

Is that which madmen find, as soon + 

As once they’re broke loose from the moon, + 

And, proof against her influence, + 

Relapse to e’er so little sense, + 

To turn stark fools, and subjects fit + 

For sport of boys, and rabble wit. + 