Part + 

III + 

’Tis true, no lover has that pow’r + 

T’ enforce a desperate amour, + 

As he that has two strings t’ his bow, + 

And burns for love and money too; + 

For then he’s brave and resolute, + 

Disdains to render in his suit, + 

Has all his flames and raptures double, + 

And hangs or drowns with half the trouble, + 

While those who sillily pursue + 

The simple, downright way, and true, + 

Make as unlucky applications, + 

And steer against the stream their passions. + 

Some forge their mistresses of stars, + 

And when the ladies prove averse, + 

And more untoward to be won + 

Than by Caligula the moon, + 

Cry out upon the stars, for doing + 

Ill offices to cross their wooing; + 

When only by themselves they’re hind’red, + 

For trusting those they made her kindred; + 

And still, the harsher and hide-bounder + 

The damsels prove, become the fonder. + 

For what mad lover ever dy’d + 

To gain a soft and gentle bride? + 

Or for a lady tender-hearted, + 

In purling streams or hemp departed? + 

Leap’d headlong int’ Elysium, + 

Through th’ windows of a dazzling room? + 

But for some cross, ill-natur’d dame, + 

The am’rous fly burnt in his flame. + 

This to the Knight could be no news, + 

With all mankind so much in use; + 

Who therefore took the wiser course, + 

To make the most of his amours, + 

Resolv’d to try all sorts of ways, + 

As follows in due time and place. + 

No sooner was the bloody fight, + 

Between the Wizard and the Knight, + 

With all th’ appurtenances, over, + 

But he relaps’d again t’ a lover; + 

As he was always wont to do, + 

When h’ had discomfited a foe; + 

And us’d the only antique philters, + 

Deriv’d from old heroic tilters. + 

But now triumphant, and victorious, + 

He held th’ achievement was too glorious + 

For such a conqueror to meddle + 

With petty constable or beadle; + 

Or fly for refuge to the hostess + 

Of th’ inns of court and chancery, Justice; + 

Who might, perhaps, reduce his cause + 

To th’ ordeal trial of the laws; + 

Where none escape, but such as branded + 

With red-hot irons have past bare-handed; + 

And, if they cannot read one verse + 

I’ th’ Psalms, must sing it, and that’s worse. + 

He therefore judging it below him + 

To tempt a shame the devil might owe him, + 

Resolv’d to leave the Squire for bail + 

And mainprize for him to the gaol, + 

To answer, with his vessel, all + 

That might disastrously befall; + 

And thought it now the fittest juncture + 

To give the Lady a rencounter; + 

T’ acquaint her with his expedition, + 

And conquest o’er the fierce magician; + 

Describe the manner of the fray, + 

And show the spoils he brought away; + 

His bloody scourging aggravate, + 

The number of his blows, and weight; + 

All which might probably succeed, + 

And gain belief h’ had done the deed; + 

Which he resolv’d t’ enforce, and spare + 

No pawning of his soul to swear; + 

But, rather than produce his back, + 

To set his conscience on the rack; + 

And in pursuance of his urging + 

Of articles perform’d and scourging, + 

And all things else, upon his part, + 

Demand deliv’ry of her heart, + 

Her goods and chattels, and good graces, + 

And person, up to his embraces. + 

Thought he, the ancient errant knights + 

Won all their ladies’ hearts in fights; + 

And cut whole giants into fritters, + 

To put them into amorous twitters; + 

Whose stubborn bowels scorn’d to yield + 

Until their gallants were half kill’d; + 

But when their bones were drub’d so sore + 

They durst not woo one combat more, + 

The ladies’ hearts began to melt, + 

Subdu’d by blows their lovers felt. + 

So Spanish heroes, with their lances, + 

At once wound bulls and ladies’ fancies, + 

And he acquires the noblest spouse + 

That widows greatest herds of cows: + 

Then what may I expect to do, + 

Wh’ have quell’d so vast a buffalo? + 

Meanwhile, the Squire was on his way + 

The Knight’s late orders to obey; + 

Who sent him for a strong detachment + 

Of beadles, constables, and watchmen, + 

T’ attack the cunning-man, for plunder + 

Committed falsely on his lumber; + 

When he, who had so lately sack’d + 

The enemy, had done the fact; + 

Had rifled all his pokes and fobs + 

Of gimcracks, whims, and jiggumbobs, + 

When he, by hook or crook, had gather’d, + 

And for his own inventions father’d: + 

And when they should, at gaol-delivery, + 

Unriddle one another’s thievery, + 

Both might have evidence enough, + 

To render neither halter-proof. + 

He thought it desperate to tarry, + 

And venture to be accessary; + 

But rather wisely slip his fetters, + 

And leave them for the Knight, his betters. + 

He call’d to mind th’ unjust, foul play + 

He would have offer’d him that day, + 

To make him curry his own hide, + 

Which no beast ever did beside, + 

Without all possible evasion, + 

But of the riding dispensation; + 

And therefore much about the hour + 

The Knight (for reasons told before) + 

Resolv’d to leave them to the fury + 

Of justice, and an unpack’d jury. + 

The Squire concurr’d t’ abandon him, + 

And serve him in the self-same trim; + 

T’ acquaint the Lady what h’ had done, + 

And what he meant to carry on; + 

What project ’twas he went about, + 

When Sidrophel and he fell out; + 

His firm and steadfast resolution, + 

To swear her to an execution; + 

To pawn his inward ears to marry her, + 

And bribe the devil himself to carry her; + 

In which both dealt, as if they meant + 

Their party-saints to represent, + 

Who never fail’d, upon their sharing + 

In any prosperous arms-bearing, + 

To lay themselves out to supplant + 

Each other cousin German saint. + 

But, ere the Knight could do his part, + 

The Squire had got so much the start, + 

H’ had to the Lady done his errand, + 

And told her all his tricks aforehand. + 

Just as he finish’d his report, + 

The Knight alighted in the court; + 

And having ty’d his beast t’ a pale, + 

And taking time for both to stale, + 

He put his band and beard in order, + 

The sprucer to accost and board her: + 

And now began t’ approach the door, + 

When she, wh’ had spy’d him out before, + 

Convey’d th’ informer out of sight, + 

And went to entertain the Knight; + 

With whom encount’ring, after longees + 

Of humble and submissive congees, + 

And all due ceremonies paid, + 

He strok’d his beard, and thus he said: + 

Madam, I do, as is my duty, + 

Honour the shadow of your shoe-tie; + 

And now am come to bring your ear + 

A present you’ll be glad to hear: + 

At least I hope so: the thing’s done, + 

Or may I never see the sun; + 

For which I humbly now demand + 

Performance at your gentle hand; + 

And that you’d please to do your part, + 

As I have done mine, to my smart. + 

With that he shrugg’d his sturdy back, + 

As if he felt his shoulders ake. + 

But she, who well enough knew what + 

(Before he spoke) he would be at, + 

Pretended not to apprehend + 

The mystery of what he mean’d; + 

And therefore wish’d him to expound + 

His dark expressions less profound. + 

Madam, quoth he, I come to prove + 

How much I’ve suffer’d for your love, + 

Which (like your votary) to win, + 

I have not spar’d my tatter’d skin; + 

And for those meritorious lashes, + 

To claim your favour and good graces. + 

Quoth she, I do remember once + 

I freed you from th’ enchanted sconce; + 

And that you promis’d, for that favour, + 

To bind your back to good behaviour, + 

And, for my sake and service, vow’d + 

To lay upon’t a heavy load, + 

And what ’twould bear t’ a scruple prove, + 

As other knights do oft make love; + 

Which, whether you have done or no, + 

Concerns yourself, not me, to know. + 

But if you have, I shall confess + 

Y’ are honester than I could guess. + 

Quoth he, If you suspect my troth, + 

I cannot prove it but by oath; + 

And if you make a question on’t, + 

I’ll pawn my soul that I have done ’t; + 

And he that makes his soul his surety, + 

I think, does give the best security. + 

Quoth she, Some say, the soul’s secure + 

Against distress and forfeiture; + 

Is free from action, and exempt + 

From execution and contempt; + 

And to be summon’d to appear + 

In th’ other world’s illegal here; + 

And therefore few make any account + 

Int’ what incumbrances they run ’t: + 

For most men carry things so even + 

Between this world, and hell, and heaven, + 

Without the least offence to either, + 

They freely deal in all together; + 

And equally abhor to quit + 

This world for both, or both for it; + 

And when they pawn and damn their souls, + 

They are but pris’ners on paroles. + 

For that (quoth he) ’tis rational + 

They may be accountable in all: + 

For when there is that intercourse + 

Between divine and human pow’rs, + 

That all that we determine here + 

Commands obedience every where, + 

When penalties may be commuted + 

For fines, or ears, and executed + 

It follows, nothing binds so fast + 

As souls in pawn and mortgage past; + 

For oaths are th’ only tests and seals + 

Of right and wrong, and true and false; + 

And there’s no other way to try + 

The doubts of law and justice by. + 

Quoth she, What is it you would swear? + 

There’s no believing till I hear; + 

For, till they’re understood, all tales + 

(Like nonsense) are not true nor false. + 

Quoth he, When I resolv’d t’ obey + 

What you commanded th’ other day, + 

And to perform my exercise, + 

(As schools are wont) for your fair eyes, + 

T’ avoid all scruples in the case, + 

I went to do’t upon the place: + 

But as the Castle is enchanted + 

By Sidrophel, the witch, and haunted + 

With evil spirits, as you know, + 

Who took my Squire and me for two, + 

Before I’d hardly time to lay + 

My weapons by, and disarray, + 

I heard a formidable noise, + 

Loud as the Stentrophonic voice, + 

That roar’d far off, Dispatch and strip, + 

I’m ready with the infernal whip, + 

That shall divest thy ribs from skin, + 

To expiate thy ling’ring sin: + 

Th’ hast broken perfidiously thy oath, + 

And not perform’d thy plighted troth; + 

But spar’d thy renegado back, + 

Where th’ hadst so great a prize at stake; + 

Which now the fates have order’d me + 

For penance and revenge to flea, + 

Unless thou presently make haste: + 

Time is, time was: And there it ceas’d. + 

With which, though startled, I confess, + 

Yet th’ horror of the thing was less + 

Than th’ other dismal apprehension + 

Of interruption or prevention; + 

And therefore, snatching up the rod, + 

I laid upon my back a load; + 

Resolv’d to spare no flesh and blood, + 

To make my word and honour good; + 

Till tir’d, and making truce at length, + 

For new recruits of breath and strength, + 

I felt the blows still ply’d as fast + 

As th’ had been by lovers plac’d, + 

In raptures of Platonic lashing, + 

And chaste contemplative bardashing; + 

When facing hastily about, + 

To stand upon my guard and scout, + 

I found th’ infernal cunning-man, + 

And th’ under-witch, his Caliban, + 

With scourges (like the furies) arm’d, + 

That on my outward quarters storm’d. + 

In haste I snatch’d my weapon up, + 

And gave their hellish rage a stop; + 

Call’d thrice upon your name, and fell + 

Courageously on Sidrophel; + 

Who now transform’d himself t’ a bear, + 

Began to roar aloud, and tear; + 

When I as furiously press’d on, + 

My weapon down his throat to run; + 

Laid hold on him; but he broke loose + 

And turn’d himself into a goose; + 

Div’d under water, in a pond, + 

To hide himself from being found. + 

In vain I sought him; but, as soon + 

As I perceiv’d him fled and gone, + 

Prepar’d with equal haste and rage, + 

His under-sorcerer t’ engage. + 

But bravely scorning to defile + 

My sword with feeble blood and vile, + 

I judg’d it better from a quick- + 

Set hedge to cut a knotted stick, + 

With which I furiously laid on, + 

Till in a harsh and doleful tone, + 

It roar’d, O hold for pity, Sir: + 

I am too great a sufferer, + 

Abus’d, as you have been, b’ a witch, + 

But conjur’d into a worse caprich; + 

Who sends me out on many a jaunt, + 

Old houses in the night to haunt. + 

For opportunities t’ improve + 

Designs of thievery or love; + 

With drugs convey’d in drink or meat, + 

All feats of witches counterfeit; + 

Kill pigs and geese with powder’d glass, + 

And make it for enchantment pass; + 

With cow-itch meazle like a leper, + 

And choke with fumes of Guinea pepper; + 

Make lechers, and their punks, with dewtry, + 

Commit fantastical advowtry; + 

Bewitch Hermetic-men to run + 

Stark staring mad with manicon; + 

Believe mechanic virtuosi + 

Can raise ’em mountains in Potosi; + 

And, sillier than the antic fools, + 

Take treasure for a heap of coals; + 

Seek out for plants with signatures, + 

To quack of universal cures; + 

With figures ground on panes of glass + 

Make people on their heads to pass; + 

And mighty heaps of coin increase, + 

Reflected from a single piece, + 

To draw in fools, whose nat’ral itches + 

Incline perpetually to witches; + 

And keep me in continual fears, + 

And danger of my neck and ears; + 

When less delinquents have been scourg’d, + 

And hemp on wooden anvil forg’d, + 

Which others for cravats have worn + 

About their necks and took a turn. + 

I pity’d the sad punishment + 

The wretched caitiff underwent, + 

And left my drubbing of his bones, + 

Too great an honour for poltroons; + 

For knights are bound to feel no blows + 

From paltry and unequal foes, + 

Who, when they slash, and cut to pieces, + 

Do all with civilest addresses: + 

Their horses never give a blow, + 

But when they make a leg, and bow. + 

I therefore spar’d his flesh, and prest him + 

About the witch with many a question. + 

Quoth he, For many years he drove + 

A kind of broking-trade in love; + 

Employ’d in all th’ intrigues and trust + 

Of feeble, speculative lust: + 

Procurer to th’ extravagancy + 

And crazy ribaldry of fancy, + 

By those the devil had forsook, + 

As things below him to provoke. + 

But b’ing a virtuoso, able + 

To smatter, quack, and cant, and dabble, + 

He held his talent most adroit + 

For any mystical exploit; + 

As others of his tribe had done, + 

And rais’d their prices three to one: + 

For one predicting pimp has th’ odds + 

Of chaldrons of plain downright bawds. + 

But as an elf (the devil’s valet) + 

Is not so slight a thing to get; + 

For those that do his bus’ness best, + 

In hell are us’d the ruggedest; + 

Before so meriting a person + 

Cou’d get a grant, but in reversion, + 

He serv’d two ’prenticeships, and longer, + 

I’ th’ myst’ry of a lady-monger. + 

For (as some write) a witch’s ghost, + 

As soon as from the body loos’d, + 

Becomes a puny imp itself, + 

And is another witch’s elf: + 

He, after searching far and near, + 

At length found one in Lancashire + 

With whom he bargain’d before-hand, + 

And, after hanging, entertain’d; + 

Since which h’ has play’d a thousand feats, + 

And practis’d all mechanic cheats, + 

Transform’d himself to th’ ugly shapes + 

Of wolves and bears, baboons and apes, + 

Which he has vary’d more than witches, + 

Or Pharaoh’s wizards, could their switches; + 

And all with whom he has to do, + 

Turn’d to as monstrous figures too: + 

Witness myself, whom h’ has abus’d, + 

And to this beastly shape reduc’d, + 

By feeding me on beans and peas, + 

He crams in nasty crevices, + 

And turns to comfits by his arts, + 

To make me relish for deserts, + 

And one by one, with shame and fear, + 

Lick up the candy’d provender. + 

Beside⁠—But as he was running on, + 

To tell what other feats h’ had done, + 

The lady stopt his full career, + 

And told him now ’twas time to hear: + 

If half those things (said she) be true⁠— + 

They’re all, (quoth he,) I swear by you. + 

Why then (said she,) that Sidrophel + 

Has damn’d himself to th’ pit of hell; + 

Who, mounted on a broom, the nag + 

And hackney of a Lapland hag, + 

In quest of you came hither post, + 

Within an hour (I’m sure) at most; + 

Who told me all you swear and say, + 

Quite contrary another way; + 

Vow’d that you came to him to know + 

If you should carry me or no; + 

And would have hir’d him, and his imps, + 

To be your match-makers and pimps, + 

T’ engage the devil on your side, + 

And steal (like Proserpine) your bride. + 

But he disdaining to embrace. + 

So filthy a design and base, + 

You fell to vapouring and huffing + 

And drew upon him like a ruffian; + 

Surpriz’d him meanly, unprepar’d, + 

Before h’ had time to mount his guard; + 

And left him dead upon the ground, + 

With many a bruise and desperate wound: + 

Swore you had broke and robb’d his house, + 

And stole his talismanique louse, + 

And all his new-found old inventions; + 

With flat felonious intentions; + 

Which he could bring out where he had, + 

And what he bought them for, and paid. + 

His flea, his morpion, and punaise, + 

H’ had gotten for his proper ease, + 

And all in perfect minutes made, + 

By th’ ablest artists of the trade, + 

Which (he could prove it) since he lost, + 

He has been eaten up almost; + 

And all together might amount + 

To many hundreds on account; + 

For which h’ had got sufficient warrant + 

To seize the malefactors errant, + 

Without capacity of bail, + 

But of a cart’s or horse’s tail; + 

And did not doubt to bring the wretches + 

To serve for pendulums to watches; + 

Which modern virtuosos say, + 

Incline to hanging every way. + 

Beside, he swore, and swore ’twas true, + 

That, e’re he went in quest of you, + 

He set a figure to discover + 

If you were fled to Rye or Dover; + 

And found it clear, that, to betray + 

Yourselves and me, you fled this way; + 

And that he was upon pursuit, + 

To take you somewhere hereabout. + 

He vow’d he had intelligence + 

Of all that past before and since; + 

And found, that ere you came to him, + 

Y’ had been engaging life and limb + 

About a case of tender conscience, + 

Where both abounded in your own sense; + 

Till Ralpho, by his light and grace, + 

Had clear’d all scruples in the case, + 

And prov’d that you might swear and own + 

Whatever’s by the wicked done, + 

For which, most basely to requite + 

The service of his gifts and light, + 

You strove t’ oblige him, by main force, + 

To scourge his ribs instead of yours; + 

But that he stood upon his guard, + 

And all your vapouring out-dar’d; + 

For which, between you both, the feat + 

Has never been perform’d as yet. + 

While thus the Lady talk’d, the Knight + 

Turn’d th’ outside of his eyes to white, + 

(As men of inward light are wont + 

To turn their optics in upon ’t) + 

He wonder’d how she came to know + 

What he had done and meant to do; + 

Held up his affidavit hand, + 

As if h’ had been to be arraign’d; + 

Cast t’wards the door a ghastly look, + 

In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke: + 

Madam, if but one word be true + 

Of all the wizard has told you, + 

Or but one single circumstance + 

In all th’ apocryphal romance, + 

May dreadful earthquakes swallow down + 

This vessel, that is all your own; + 

Or may the heavens fall, and cover + 

These relics of your constant lover. + 

You have provided well, quoth she, + 

(I thank you) for yourself and me, + 

And shown your Presbyterian wits + 

Jump punctual with the Jesuits; + 

A most compendious way, and civil, + 

At once to cheat the world, the devil, + 

And heaven and hell, yourselves, and those + 

On whom you vainly think t’ impose. + 

Why then (quoth he) may hell surprise⁠— + 

That trick (said she) will not pass twice: + 

I’ve learn’d how far I’m to believe + 

Your pinning oaths upon your sleeve. + 

But there’s a better way of clearing + 

What you would prove than downright swearing: + 

For if you have perform’d the feat, + 

The blows are visible as yet, + 

Enough to serve for satisfaction + 

Of nicest scruples in the action: + 

And if you can produce those knobs, + 

Although they’re but the witch’s drubs, + 

I’ll pass them all upon account, + 

As if your natural self had done ’t; + 

Provided that they pass th’ opinion + 

Of able juries of old women, + 

Who, us’d to judge all matter of facts + 

For bellies, may do so for backs. + 

Madam, (quoth he) your love’s a million; + 

To do is less than to be willing, + 

As I am, were it in my power, + 

T’ obey, what you command, and more: + 

But for performing what you bid, + 

I thank you ’s much as if I did. + 

You know I ought to have a care + 

To keep my wounds from taking air: + 

For wounds in those that are all heart, + 

Are dangerous in any part. + 

I find (quoth she) my goods and chattels + 

Are like to prove but mere drawn battels; + 

For still the longer we contend, + 

We are but farther off the end. + 

But granting now we should agree, + 

What is it you expect from me? + 

Your plighted faith (quoth he) and word + 

You past in heaven on record, + 

Where all contracts, to have and t’ hold, + 

Are everlastingly enroll’d: + 

And if ’tis counted treason here + 

To raze records, ’tis much more there. + 

Quoth she, There are no bargains driv’n, + 

Or marriages clapp’d up in heav’n, + 

And that’s the reason, as some guess, + 

There is no heav’n in marriages; + 

Two things that naturally press + 

Too narrowly to be at ease. + 

Their bus’ness there is only love, + 

Which marriage is not like t’ improve: + 

Love, that’s too generous to abide + 

To be against its nature ty’d; + 

Or where ’tis of itself inclin’d, + 

It breaks loose when it is confin’d; + 

And like the soul, its harbourer, + 

Debarr’d the freedom of the air, + 

Disdains against its will to stay, + 

But struggles out, and flies away; + 

And therefore never can comply + 

T’ endure the matrimonial tie, + 

That binds the female and the male, + 

Where th’ one is but the other’s bail; + 

Like Roman gaolers, when they slept, + 

Chain’d to the prisoners they kept; + 

Of which the true and faithfull’st lover + 

Gives best security to suffer. + 

Marriage is but a beast, some say, + 

That carries double in foul way; + 

And therefore ’tis not to b’ admir’d, + 

It should so suddenly be tir’d; + 

A bargain at a venture made, + 

Between two partners in a trade; + 

(For what’s inferr’d by t’ have and t’ hold, + 

But something past away, and sold?) + 

That as it makes but one of two, + 

Reduces all things else as low, + 

And, at the best, is but a mart + 

Between the one and th’ other part, + 

That on the marriage-day is paid, + 

Or hour of death, the bet is laid; + 

And all the rest of better or worse, + 

Both are but losers out of purse; + 

For when upon their ungot heirs + 

Th’ entail themselves, and all that’s theirs, + 

What blinder bargain e’er was driv’n, + 

Or wager laid at six and seven? + 

To pass themselves away, and turn + 

Their children’s tenants e’re they’re born? + 

Beg one another idiot + 

To guardians, ere they are begot; + 

Or ever shall, perhaps, by th’ one + 

Who’s bound to vouch ’em for his own, + 

Though got b’ implicit generation, + 

And gen’ral club of all the nation; + 

For which she’s fortify’d no less + 

Than all the island, with four seas; + 

Exacts the tribute of her dower, + 

In ready insolence and power; + 

And makes him pass away, to have + 

And hold, to her, himself, her slave, + 

More wretched than an ancient villain, + 

Condemn’d to drudgery and tilling; + 

While all he does upon the by, + 

She is not bound to justify, + 

Nor at her proper cost and charge + 

Maintain the feats he does at large. + 

Such hideous sots were those obedient + 

Old vassals to their ladies regent, + 

To give the cheats the eldest hand + 

In foul play by the laws o’ th’ land; + 

For which so many a legal cuckold + 

Has been run down in courts and truckled; + 

A law that most unjustly yokes + 

All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Noakes, + 

Without distinction of degree, + 

Condition, age, or quality: + 

Admits no power of revocation, + 

Nor valuable consideration, + 

Nor writ of error, nor reverse + 

Of judgment past, for better or worse: + 

Will not allow the privileges + 

That beggars challenge under hedges, + 

Who, when they’re griev’d, can make dead horses + 

Their spiritual judges of divorces; + 

While nothing else but Rem in Re + 

Can set the proudest wretches free; + 

A slavery beyond enduring, + 

But that ’tis of their own procuring. + 

As spiders never seek the fly, + 

But leave him, of himself, t’ apply + 

So men are by themselves employ’d, + 

To quit the freedom they enjoy’d, + 

And run their necks into a noose, + 

They’d break ’em after to break loose; + 

As some, whom death would not depart, + 

Have done the feat themselves by art; + 

Like Indian widows, gone to bed + 

In flaming curtains to the dead; + 

And men as often dangled for’t, + 

And yet will never leave the sport. + 

Nor do the ladies want excuse + 

For all the stratagems they use + 

To gain th’ advantage of the set, + 

And lurch the amorous rook and cheat: + 

For as the Pythagorean soul + 

Runs through all beasts, and fish, and fowl, + 

And has a smack of ev’ry one, + 

So love does, and has ever done; + 

And therefore, though ’tis ne’er so fond, + 

Takes strangely to the vagabond. + 

’Tis but an ague that’s reverst, + 

Whose hot fit takes the patient first, + 

That after burns with cold as much + 

As ir’n in Greenland does the touch; + 

Melts in the furnace of desire + 

Like glass, that’s but the ice of fire; + 

And when his heat of fancy’s over, + 

Becomes as hard and frail a lover: + 

For when he’s with love-powder laden, + 

And prim’d and cock’d by Miss or Madam, + 

The smallest sparkle of an eye + 

Gives fire to his artillery, + 

And off the loud oaths go; but, while + 

They’re in the very act, recoil. + 

Hence ’tis so few dare take their chance + 

Without a sep’rate maintenance; + 

And widows, who have try’d one lover, + 

Trust none again, ’till th’ have made over; + 

Or if they do, before they marry, + 

The foxes weigh the geese they carry; + 

And ere they venture o’er a stream, + 

Know how to size themselves and them; + 

Whence wittiest ladies always choose + 

To undertake the heaviest goose: + 

For now the world is grown so wary, + 

That few of either sex dare marry, + 

But rather trust on tick t’ amours, + 

The cross and pile for better or worse; + 

A mode that is held honourable, + 

As well as French, and fashionable; + 

For when it falls out for the best, + 

Where both are incommoded least, + 

In soul and body two unite, + 

To make up one hermaphrodite, + 

Still amorous, and fond, and billing, + 

Like Philip and Mary on a shilling. + 

Th’ have more punctilios and capriches + 

Between the petticoat and breeches, + 

More petulant extravagances, + 

Than poets make ’em in romances, + 

Though when their heroes ’spouse the dames, + 

We hear no more of charms and flames: + 

For then their late attracts decline, + 

And turn as eager as prick’d wine; + 

And all their catterwauling tricks, + 

In earnest to as jealous piques: + 

Which the ancients wisely signify’d + 

By th’ yellow mantuas of the bride; + 

For jealousy is but a kind + 

Of clap and grincam of the mind, + 

The natural effects of love, + 

As other flames and aches do prove; + 

But all the mischief is the doubt + 

On whose account they first broke out. + 

For though Chineses go to bed, + 

And lie in, in their ladies’ stead, + 

And, for the pains they took before, + 

Are nurs’d and pamper’d to do more; + 

Our green-men do it worse, when th’ hap + 

To fail in labour of a clap: + 

Both lay the child to one another; + 

But who’s the father, who the mother, + 

’Tis hard to say in multitudes, + 

Or who imported the French goods. + 

But health and sickness b’ing all one, + 

Which both engag’d before to own, + 

And are not with their bodies bound + 

To worship only when they’re sound, + 

Both give and take their equal shares + 

Of all they suffer by false wares; + 

A fate no lover can divert + 

With all his caution, wit, and art; + 

For ’tis in vain to think to guess + 

At women by appearances, + 

That paint and patch their imperfections + 

Of intellectual complexions, + 

And daub their tempers o’er with washes + 

As artificial as their faces; + 

Wear under vizard-masks their talents + 

And mother-wits before their gallants, + 

Until they’re hamper’d in the noose, + 

Too fast to dream of breaking loose; + 

When all the flaws they strove to hide + 

Are made unready with the bride, + 

That with her wedding-clothes undresses + 

Her complaisance and gentilesses, + 

Tries all her arts to take upon her + 

The government from th’ easy owner; + 

Until the wretch is glad to waive + 

His lawful right, and turn her slave; + 

Find all his having and his holding, + 

Reduc’d t’ eternal noise and scolding; + 

The conjugal petard that tears + 

Down all portcullises of ears, + 

And make the volley of one tongue + 

For all their leathern shields too strong; + 

When only arm’d with noise and nails, + 

The female silk-worms ride the males, + 

Transform ’em into rams and goats, + 

Like Sirens, with their charming notes; + 

Sweet as a screech-owl’s serenade, + 

Or those enchanting murmurs made + 

By th’ husband mandrake and the wife, + 

Both bury’d (like themselves) alive. + 

Quoth he, These reasons are but strains + 

Of wanton, overheated brains, + 

Which ralliers, in their wit, or drink, + 

Do rather wheedle with than think + 

Man was not man in paradise, + 

Until he was created twice, + 

And had his better half, his bride, + 

Carv’d from the original, his side, + 

T’ amend his natural defects, + 

And perfect his recruiting sex; + 

Enlarge his breed at once, and lessen + 

The pains and labour of increasing, + 

By changing them for other cares, + 

As by his dry’d up paps appears. + 

His body, that stupendous frame, + 

Of all the world the anagram, + 

Is of two equal parts compact, + 

In shape and symmetry exact, + 

Of which the left and female side + 

Is to the manly right a bride; + 

Both join’d together with such art, + 

That nothing else but death can part. + 

Those heav’nly attracts of yours, your eyes, + 

And face, that all the world surprise, + 

That dazzle all that look upon ye, + 

And scorch all other ladies tawny, + 

Those ravishing and charming graces + 

Are all made up of two half faces, + 

That in a mathematic line, + 

Like those in other heavens, join, + 

Of which if either grew alone, + 

’Twould fright as much to look upon: + 

And so would that sweet bud your lip, + 

Without the other’s fellowship. + 

Our noblest senses act by pairs; + 

Two eyes to see; to hear, two ears; + 

Th’ intelligencers of the mind, + 

To wait upon the soul design’d; + 

But those that serve the body alone, + 

Are single, and confin’d to one. + 

The world is but two parts, that meet + 

And close at th’ equinoctial fit; + 

And so are all the works of Nature, + 

Stamp’d with her signature on matter; + 

Which all her creatures, to a leaf, + 

Or smallest blade of grass, receive; + 

All which sufficiently declare + 

How entirely marriage is her care⁠— + 

The only method that she uses + 

In all the wonders she produces: + 

And those that take their rules from her + 

Can never be deceiv’d nor err. + 

For what secures the civil life, + 

But pawns of children, and a wife? + 

That lie like hostages at stake, + 

To pay for all men undertake; + 

To whom it is as necessary + 

As to be born and breathe, and marry; + 

So universal, all mankind + 

In nothing else is of one mind. + 

For in what stupid age, or nation, + 

Was marriage ever out of fashion? + 

Unless among the Amazons, + 

Or cloister’d friars, and vestal nuns; + 

Or Stoick, who, to bar the freaks + 

And loose excesses of the sex, + 

Prepost’rously would have all women + 

Turn’d up to all the world in common. + 

Though men would find such mortal feuds, + 

In sharing of their public goods, + 

’Twould put them to more charge of lives, + 

Than they’re supply’d with now by wives; + 

Until they graze, and wear their clothes, + 

As beasts do, of their native growths: + 

For simple wearing of their horns + 

Will not suffice to serve their turns. + 

For what can we pretend to inherit, + 

Unless the marriage-deed will bear it? + 

Could claim no right to lands or rents, + 

But for our parents’ settlements; + 

Had been but younger sons o’ th’ earth, + 

Debarr’d it all, but for our birth. + 

What honours, or estates of peers, + 

Could be preserv’d but by their heirs? + 

And what security maintains + 

Their right and title, but the bans? + 

What crowns could be hereditary, + 

If greatest monarchs did not marry, + 

And with their consorts consummate + 

Their weightiest interests of state? + 

For all the amours of princes are + 

But guarantees of peace or war. + 

Or what but marriage has a charm + 

The rage of empires to disarm, + 

Make blood and desolation cease, + 

And fire and sword unite in peace, + 

When all their fierce contest for forage + 

Conclude in articles of marriage? + 

Nor does the genial bed provide + 

Less for the int’rests of the bride; + 

Who else had not the least pretence + 

T’ as much as due benevolence; + 

Could no more title take upon her + 

To virtue, quality, and honour, + 

Than ladies-errant unconfin’d, + 

And feme-coverts t’ all mankind. + 

All women would be of one piece, + 

The virtuous matron and the miss; + 

The nymphs of chaste Diana’s train, + 

The same with those in Lewkner’s Lane, + 

But for the difference marriage makes + 

’Twixt wives and ladies of the lakes; + 

Besides the joys of place and birth, + 

The sex’s paradise on earth; + 

A privilege so sacred held, + 

That none will to their mothers yield; + 

But rather than not go before, + 

Abandon heaven at the door. + 

And if th’ indulgent law allows + 

A greater freedom to the spouse, + 

The reason is, because the wife + 

Runs greater hazards of her life; + 

Is trusted with the form and matter + 

Of all mankind by careful Nature: + 

Where man brings nothing but the stuff + 

She frames the wondrous fabric of; + 

Who therefore, in a strait, may freely + 

Demand the clergy of her belly, + 

And make it save her the same way + 

It seldom misses to betray; + 

Unless both parties wisely enter + 

Into the liturgy indenture. + 

And though some fits of small contest + 

Sometimes fall out among the best, + 

That is no more than ev’ry lover + 

Does from his hackney-lady suffer; + 

That makes no breach of faith and love, + 

But rather (sometimes) serves t’ improve. + 

For as, in running, ev’ry pace + 

Is but between two legs a race, + 

In which both do their uttermost + 

To get before, and win the post, + 

Yet when they’re at their race’s ends, + 

They’re still as kind and constant friends, + 

And, to relieve their weariness, + 

By turns give one another ease; + 

So all those false alarms of strife + 

Between the husband and the wife, + 

And little quarrels, often prove + 

To be but new recruits of love; + 

When those wh’ are always kind or coy, + 

In time must either tire or cloy. + 

Nor are their loudest clamours more, + 

Than as they’re relish’d, sweet or sour; + 

Like music, that proves bad or good, + 

According as ’tis understood. + 

In all amours, a lover burns + 

With frowns as well as smiles by turns; + 

And hearts have been as oft with sullen + 

As charming looks surpris’d and stolen. + 

Then why should more bewitching clamour + 

Some lovers not as much enamour? + 

For discords make the sweetest airs, + 

And curses are a kind of prayers; + 

Too slight alloys for all those grand + 

Felicities by marriage gain’d. + 

For nothing else has pow’r to settle + 

Th’ interests of love perpetual; + 

An act and deed, that makes one heart + 

Becomes another’s counterpart, + 

And passes fines on faith and love, + 

Inroll’d and register’d above, + 

To seal the slippery knots of vows, + 

Which nothing else but death can loose. + 

And what security’s too strong, + 

To guard that gentle heart from wrong, + 

That to its friend is glad to pass + 

Itself away, and all it has; + 

And, like an anchorite, gives over + 

This world for th’ heaven of a lover? + 

I grant (quoth she) there are some few + 

Who take that course, and find it true; + 

But millions whom the same does sentence + 

To heav’n b’ another way⁠—repentance. + 

Love’s arrows are but shot at rovers, + 

Though all they hit they turn to lovers; + 

And all the weighty consequents + 

Depend upon more blind events + 

Than gamesters, when they play a set + 

With greatest cunning at piquet, + 

Put out with caution, but take in + 

They know not what, unsight, unseen, + 

For what do lovers, when they’re fast + 

In one another’s arms embrac’d, + 

But strive to plunder, and convey + 

Each other, like a prize, away? + 

To change the property of selves, + 

As sucking children are by elves? + 

And if they use their persons so, + 

What will they to their fortunes do? + 

Their fortunes! the perpetual aims + 

Of all their ecstasies and flames. + 

For when the money’s on the book, + 

And, All my worldly goods⁠—but spoke, + 

(The formal livery and seisin + 

That puts a lover in possession,) + 

To that alone the bridegroom’s wedded; + 

The bride a flam that’s superseded: + 

To that their faith is still made good, + 

And all the oaths to us they vow’d: + 

For when we once resign our pow’rs, + 

W’ have nothing left we can call ours: + 

Our money’s now become the Miss + 

Of all your lives and services; + 

And we forsaken, and postpon’d, + 

But bawds to what before we own’d; + 

Which, as it made y’ at first gallant us, + 

So now hires others to supplant us, + 

Until ’tis all turn’d out of doors, + 

(As we had been) for new amours: + 

For what did ever heiress yet + 

By being born to lordships get? + 

When the more lady sh’ is of manors, + 

She’s but expos’d to more trepanners, + 

Pays for their projects and designs, + 

And for her own destruction fines; + 

And does but tempt them with her riches, + 

To use her as the dev’l does witches; + 

Who takes it for a special grace + 

To be their cully for a space, + 

That when the time’s expir’d, the drazels + 

For ever may become his vassals: + 

So she, bewitch’d by rooks and spirits, + 

Betrays herself and all sh’ inherits; + 

Is bought and sold like stolen goods, + 

By pimps, and match-makers, and bawds, + 

Until they force her to convey, + 

And steal the thief himself away. + 

These are the everlasting fruits + 

Of all your passionate love-suits, + 

Th’ effects of all your amorous fancies + 

To portions and inheritances; + 

Your love-sick rapture for fruition + 

Of dowry, jointure, and tuition; + 

To which you make address and courtship, + 

Ad with your bodies strive to worship, + 

That th’ infants’ fortunes may partake + 

Of love too, for the mother’s sake. + 

For these you play at purposes, + 

And love your loves with A’s and B’s. + 

For these at Beste and L’Ombre woo, + 

And play for love and money too; + 

Strive who shall be the ablest man + 

At right gallanting of a fan; + 

And who the most genteelly bred + 

At sucking of a vizard-head; + 

How best t’ accost us in all quarters, + 

T’ our question-and-command new Garters; + 

And solidly discourse upon + 

All sorts of dresses pro and con; + 

For there’s no mystery nor trade, + 

But in the art of love is made; + 

And when you have more debts to pay + 

Than Michaelmas and Lady-Day, + 

And no way possible to do ’t, + 

But love and oaths, and restless suit, + 

To us y’ apply to pay the scores + 

Of all your cully’d past amours; + 

Act o’er your flames and darts again, + 

And charge us with your wounds and pain; + 

Which others influences long since + 

Have charm’d your noses with, and shins; + 

For which the surgeon is unpaid, + 

And like to be, without our aid. + 

Lord! what an am’rous thing is want! + 

How debts and mortgages enchant! + 

What graces must that lady have + 

That can from executions save! + 

What charms that can reverse extent, + 

And null decree and exigent! + 

What magical attracts and graces, + 

That can redeem from scire facias! + 

From bonds and statutes can discharge, + 

And from contempts of courts enlarge! + 

These are the highest excellencies + 

Of all your true or false pretences; + 

And you would damn yourselves, and swear + 

As much t’ an hostess dowager, + 

Grown fat and pursy by retail + 

Of pots of beer and bottled ale, + 

And find her fitter for your turn, + 

For fat is wondrous apt to burn; + 

Who at your flames would soon take fire, + 

Relent, and melt to your desire, + 

And like a candle in the socket, + 

Dissolve her graces int’ your pocket. + 

By this time ’twas grown dark and late, + 

When they heard a knocking at the gate, + 

Laid on in haste with such a powder, + 

The blows grew louder still and louder; + 

Which Hudibras, as if th’ had been + 

Bestow’d as freely on his skin, + 

Expounding, by his inward light, + 

Or rather more prophetic fright, + 

To be the wizard, come to search, + 

And take him napping in the lurch, + 

Turn’d pale as ashes, or a clout, + 

But why or wherefore is a doubt; + 

For men will tremble, and turn paler, + 

With too much or too little valour. + 

His heart laid on, as if it try’d + 

To force a passage through his side, + 

Impatient (as he vow’d) to wait ’em, + 

But in a fury to fly at ’em; + 

And therefore beat, and laid about, + 

To find a cranny to creep out. + 

But she, who saw in what a taking + 

The Knight was by his furious quaking, + 

Undaunted cry’d, Courage, Sir Knight! + 

Know, I’m resolv’d to break no rite + 

Of hospitality t’ a stranger; + 

But, to secure you out of danger, + 

Will here myself stand sentinel, + 

To guard this pass ’gainst Sidrophel. + 

Women, you know, do seldom fail + 

To make the stoutest men turn tail: + 

And bravely scorn to turn their backs + 

Upon the desp’ratest attacks. + 

At this the Knight grew resolute + 

As Ironside and Hardiknute: + 

His fortitude began to rally, + 

And out he cry’d aloud to sally, + 

But she besought him to convey + 

His courage rather out o’ th’ way, + 

And lodge in ambush on the floor, + 

Or fortify’d behind a door; + 

That if the enemy should enter, + 

He might relieve her in th’ adventure. + 

Meanwhile they knock’d against the door + 

As fierce as at the gate before, + 

Which made the renegado Knight + 

Relapse again t’ his former fright. + 

He thought it desperate to stay + 

Till th’ enemy had forc’d his way, + 

But rather post himself, to serve + 

The lady, for a fresh reserve. + 

His duty was not to dispute, + 

But what sh’ had order’d execute; + 

Which he resolv’d in haste t’ obey, + 

And therefore stoutly march’d away; + 

And all h’ encounter’d fell upon, + 

Though in the dark, and all alone; + 

Till fear, that braver feats performs + 

Than ever courage dar’d in arms, + 

Had drawn him up before a pass, + 

To stand upon his guard and face; + 

This he courageously invaded, + 

And having enter’d, barricado’d, + 

Insconc’d himself as formidable + 

As could be underneath a table, + 

Where he lay down in ambush close, + 

T’ expect th’ arrival of his foes. + 

Few minutes he had lain perdue, + 

To guard his desp’rate avenue, + 

Before he heard a dreadful shout, + 

As loud as putting to the rout, + 

With which impatiently alarm’d, + 

He fancy’d th’ enemy had storm’d, + 

And, after ent’ring, Sidrophel + 

Was fall’n upon the guards pell-mell: + 

He therefore sent out all his senses, + 

To bring him in intelligences, + 

Which vulgars out of ignorance, + 

Mistake for falling in a trance; + 

But those that trade in geomancy, + 

Affirm to be the strength of fancy; + 

In which the Lapland Magi deal, + 

And things incredible reveal. + 

Meanwhile the foe beat up his quarters, + 

And storm’d the out-works of his fortress: + 

And as another of the same + 

Degree and party, in arms and fame, + 

That in the same cause had engag’d, + 

At war with equal conduct wag’d, + 

By vent’ring only but to thrust + 

His head a span beyond his post, + 

B’ a gen’ral of the cavaliers + 

Was dragg’d thro’ a window by the ears; + 

So he was serv’d in his redoubt, + 

And by the other end pull’d out. + 

Soon as they had him at their mercy, + 

They put him to the cudgel fiercely, + 

As if they’d scorn to trade or barter, + 

By giving or by taking quarter: + 

They stoutly on his quarters laid, + 

Until his scouts came in t’ his aid; + 

For when a man is past his sense, + 

There’s no way to reduce him thence, + 

But twinging him by th’ ears or nose, + 

Or laying on of heavy blows + 

And if that will not do the deed, + 

To burning with hot irons proceed. + 

No sooner was he come t’ himself, + 

But on his neck a sturdy elf + 

Clapp’d, in a trice, his cloven hoof, + 

And thus attack’d him with reproof: + 

Mortal, thou art betray’d to us + 

B’ our friend, thy Evil Genius, + 

Who, for thy horrid perjuries, + 

Thy breach of faith, and turning lies, + 

The brethren’s privilege (against + 

The wicked) on themselves, the saints, + 

Has here thy wretched carcass sent + 

For just revenge and punishment; + 

Which thou hast now no way to lessen, + 

But by an open free confession; + 

For if we catch thee failing once, + 

’Twill fall the heavier on thy bones. + 

What made thee venture to betray, + 

And filch the lady’s heart away? + 

To spirit her to matrimony?⁠— + 

That which contracts all matches⁠—money. + 

It was th’ enchantment of her riches + 

That made m’ apply t’ your crony witches, + 

That, in return, would pay th’ expense, + 

The wear and tear of conscience; + 

Which I could have patch’d up, and turn’d, + 

For th’ hundredth part of what I earn’d. + 

Didst thou not love her then? Speak true. + 

No more (quoth he) than I love you.⁠— + 

How would’st th’ have us’d her, and her money?⁠— + 

First turn’d her up to alimony, + 

And laid her dowry out in law, + 

To null her jointure with a flaw, + 

Which I before-hand had agreed + 

T’ have put, on purpose in the deed; + 

And bar her widow’s making over + 

T’ a friend in trust, or private lover. + 

What made thee pick and choose her out, + 

T’ employ their sorceries about?⁠— + 

That which makes gamesters play with those + 

Who have least wit, and most to lose. + 

But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus, + 

As thou hast damn’d thyself to us? + 

I see you take me for an ass: + 

’Tis true, I thought the trick would pass + 

Upon a woman well enough, + 

As ’t has been often found by proof; + 

Whose humours are not to be won, + 

But when they are impos’d upon: + 

For love approves of all they do + 

That stand for candidates, and woo. + 

Why didst thou forge those shameful lies + 

Of bears and witches in disguise? + 

That is no more than authors give + 

The rabble credit to believe: + 

A trick of following their leaders, + 

To entertain their gentle readers; + 

And we have now no other way + 

Of passing all we do or say + 

Which, when ’tis natural and true, + 

Will be believ’d b’ a very few, + 

Beside the danger of offence, + 

The fatal enemy of sense. + 

Why did thou choose that cursed sin, + 

Hypocrisy, to set up in? + 

Because it is in the thriving’st calling, + 

The only saint-bell that rings all in; + 

In which all churches are concern’d, + 

And is the easiest to be learn’d. + 

For no degrees, unless they employ ’t, + 

Can ever gain much, or enjoy ’t: + 

A gift that is not only able + 

To domineer among the rabble, + 

But by the laws impower’d to rout, + 

And awe the greatest that stand out; + 

Which few hold forth against, for fear + 

Their hands should slip, and come too near; + 

For no sin else among the saints + 

Is taught so tenderly against. + 

What made thee break thy plighted vows?⁠— + 

That which makes others break a house, + 

And hang, and scorn ye all, before + 

Endure the plague of being poor. + 

Quoth he, I see you have more tricks + 

Than all your doating politics, + 

That are grown old, and out of fashion, + 

Compar’d with your New Reformation; + 

That we must come to school to you, + 

To learn your more refin’d and new. + 

Quoth he, If you will give me leave + 

To tell you what I now perceive, + 

You’ll find yourself an arrant chouse, + 

If y’ were but at a meeting-house.⁠— + 

’Tis true, quoth he, we ne’er come there, + 

Because, w’ have let ’em out by th’ year. + 

Truly, quoth he, you can’t imagine + 

What wond’rous things they will engage in: + 

That as your fellow-fiends in hell + 

Were angels all before they fell, + 

So are you like to be agen, + 

Compar’d with th’ angels of us men. + 

Quoth he, I am resolv’d to be + 

Thy scholar in this mystery: + 

And therefore first desire to know + 

Some principles on which you go. + 

What makes a knave a child of God, + 

And one of us?⁠—A livelihood. + 

What renders beating out of brains, + 

And murder, godliness?⁠—Great gains. + 

What’s tender conscience?⁠—’Tis a botch, + 

That will not bear the gentlest touch; + 

But breaking out, dispatches more + 

Than th’ epidemical’st plague-sore. + 

What makes y’ encroach upon our trade, + 

And damn all others?⁠—To be paid. + 

What’s orthodox, and true, believing + 

Against a conscience?⁠—A good living. + 

What makes rebelling against Kings + 

A good old cause?⁠—Administ’rings. + 

What makes old doctrines plain and clear?⁠— + 

About two hundred pounds a year. + 

And that which was prov’d true before, + 

Prove false again?⁠—Two hundred more. + 

What makes the breaking of all oaths + 

A holy duty?⁠—Food and clothes. + 

What laws and freedom, persecution?⁠— + 

B’ing out of pow’r, and contribution. + 

What makes a church a den of thieves?⁠— + 

A dean and chapter, and white sleeves. + 

Ad what would serve, if those were gone, + 

To make it orthodox?⁠—Our own. + 

What makes morality a crime, + 

The most notorious of the time; + 

Morality, which both the Saints, + 

And wicked too, cry out against?⁠— + 

Cause grace and virtue are within + 

Prohibited degrees of kin; + 

And therefore no true saint allows, + 

They shall be suffer’d to espouse: + 

For saints can need no conscience, + 

That with morality dispense; + 

As virtue’s impious, when ’tis rooted + 

In nature only, and not imputed: + 

But why the wicked should do so, + 

We neither know, or care to do. + 

What’s liberty of conscience, + 

I’ th’ natural and genuine sense? + 

’Tis to restore, with more security, + 

Rebellion to its ancient purity; + 

And Christian liberty reduce + 

To th’ elder practice of the Jews. + 

For a large conscience is all one, + 

And signifies the same with none. + 

It is enough (quoth he) for once, + 

And has repriev’d thy forfeit bones: + 

Nick Machiavel had ne’er a trick, + 

(Though he gave his name to our Old Nick,) + 

But was below the least of these, + 

That pass i’ th’ world for holiness. + 

This said, the furies and the light + 

In th’ instant vanish’d out of sight, + 

And left him in the dark alone, + 

With stinks of brimstone and his own. + 

The Queen of Night, whose large command + 

Rules all the sea, and half the land, + 

And over moist and crazy brains, + 

In high spring-tides, at midnight reigns, + 

Was now declining to the west, + 

To go to bed, and take her rest; + 

When Hudibras, whose stubborn blows + 

Deny’d his bones that soft repose, + 

Lay still expecting worse and more, + 

Stretch’d out at length upon the floor: + 

And though he shut his eyes as fast + 

As if he’d been to sleep his last, + 

Saw all the shapes that fear or wizards + 

Do make the devil wear for vizards; + 

And pricking up his ears, to hark + 

If he could hear too in the dark, + 

Was first invaded with a groan + 

And after, in a feeble tone, + 

These trembling words: Unhappy wretch! + 

What hast thou gotten by this fetch, + 

Of all thy tricks, in this new trade, + 

Thy holy brotherhood o’ th’ blade? + 

By saunt’ring still on some adventure, + 

And growing to thy horse a Centaur? + 

To stuff thy skin with swelling knobs + 

Of cruel and hard-wooded drubs? + 

For still th’ hast had the worst on’t yet, + 

As well in conquest as defeat. + 

Night is the sabbath of mankind, + 

To rest the body and the mind, + 

Which now thou art deny’d to keep, + 

And cure thy labour’d corpse with sleep. + 

The Knight, who heard the words, explain’d + 

As meant to him this reprimand, + 

Because the character did hit + 

Point-blank upon his case so fit; + 

Believ’d it was some drolling sprite, + 

That staid upon the guard that night, + 

And one of those h’ had seen, and felt + 

The drubs he had so freely dealt; + 

When, after a short pause and groan, + 

The doleful spirit thus went on: + 

This ’tis t’ engage with dogs and bears + 

Pell-mell together by the ears, + 

And, after painful bangs and knocks, + 

To lie in limbo in the stocks, + 

And from the pinnacle of glory + 

Fall headlong into purgatory. + 

(Thought he, this devil’s full of malice, + 

That in my late disasters rallies.) + 

Condemn’d to whipping, but declin’d it, + 

By being more heroic minded: + 

And at a riding handled worse, + 

With treats more slovenly and coarse: + 

Engag’d with fiends in stubborn wars, + 

And hot disputes with conjurers; + 

And when th’ hadst bravely won the day, + 

Wast fain to steal thyself away. + 

(I see, thought he, this shameless elf + 

Wou’d fain steal me too from myself, + 

That impudently dares to own + 

What I have suffer’d for and done.) + 

And now, but vent’ring to betray, + 

Hast met with vengeance the same way. + 

Thought he, how does the devil know + 

What ’twas that I design’d to do? + 

His office of intelligence, + 

His oracles, are ceas’d long since; + 

And he knows nothing of the saints, + 

But what some treacherous spy acquaints. + 

This is some pettifogging fiend, + 

Some under door-keeper’s friend’s friend, + 

That undertakes to understand, + 

And juggles at the second-hand; + 

And now would pass for Spirit Po, + 

And all men’s dark concerns foreknow. + 

I think I need not fear him for’t; + 

These rallying devils do no hurt. + 

With that he rous’d his drooping heart, + 

And hastily cry’d out, What art? + 

A wretch (quoth he) whom want of grace + 

Has brought to this unhappy place. + 

I do believe thee, quoth the Knight; + 

Thus far I’m sure th’ art in the right; + 

And know what ’tis that troubles thee, + 

Better than thou hast guess’d of me. + 

Thou art some paltry, blackguard sprite, + 

Condemn’d to drudg’ry in the night; + 

Thou hast no work to do in th’ house, + 

Nor halfpenny to drop in shoes; + 

Without the raising of which sum, + 

You dare not be so troublesome + 

To pinch the slatterns black and blue, + 

For leaving you their work to do. + 

This is your bus’ness, good Pug-Robin; + 

And your diversion dull dry-bobbing, + 

T’ entice fanatics in the dirt, + 

And wash them clean in ditches for’t; + 

Of which conceit you are so proud, + 

At ev’ry jest you laugh aloud, + 

As now you would have done by me, + 

But that I barr’d your raillery. + 

Sir (quoth the voice,) y’are no such Sophi + 

As you would have the world judge of ye. + 

If you design to weigh our talents + 

I’ th’ standard of your own false balance, + 

Or think it possible to know + 

Us ghosts as well as we do you; + 

We, who have been the everlasting + 

Companions of your drubs and basting, + 

And never left you in contest, + 

With male or female, man or beast, + 

But prov’d as true t’ ye, and entire, + 

In all adventures, as your Squire. + 

Quoth he, That may be said as true + 

By th’ idlest pug of all your crew: + 

For none could have betray’d us worse + 

Than those allies of ours and yours. + 

But I have sent him for a token + 

To your low-country Hogen-Mogen, + 

To whose infernal shores I hope + 

He’ll swing like skippers in a rope. + 

And, if y’ have been more just to me + 

(As I am apt to think) than he, + 

I am afraid it is as true, + 

What th’ ill-affected say of you: + 

Y’ have spous’d the Covenant and Cause, + 

By holding up your cloven paws. + 

Sir, (quoth the voice,) ’tis true, I grant, + 

We made and took the Covenant; + 

But that no more concerns the Cause + 

Than other perj’ries do the laws, + 

Which, when they’re prov’d in open court, + 

Wear wooden peccadillos for’t: + 

And that’s the reason Cov’nanters + 

Hold up their hands, like rogues at bars. + 

I see, quoth Hudibras, from whence + 

These scandals of the saints commence, + 

That are but natural effects + 

Of Satan’s malice, and his sects, + 

Those spider-saints, that hang by threads, + 

Spun out o’ th’ entrails of their heads. + 

Sir, (quoth the voice,) that may as true + 

And properly be said of you, + 

Whose talents may compare with either, + 

Or both the other put together: + 

For all the Independents do + 

Is only what you forc’d ’em to; + 

You, who are not content alone + 

With tricks to put the devil down, + 

But must have armies rais’d to back + 

The gospel work you undertake; + 

As if artillery, and edge-tools, + 

Were th’ only engines to save souls: + 

While he, poor devil, has no pow’r + 

By force to run down and devour; + 

Has ne’er a Classis; cannot sentence + 

To stools, or poundage of repentance; + 

Is ty’d up only to design, + 

T’ entice, and tempt, and undermine; + 

In which you all his arts outdo, + 

And prove yourselves his betters too. + 

Hence ’tis possessions do less evil + 

Than mere temptations of the devil, + 

Which all the horrid’st actions done + 

Are charg’d in courts of law upon + 

Because unless they help the elf, + 

He can do little of himself; + 

And therefore where he’s best possess’d, + 

Acts most against his interest; + 

Surprizes none, but those wh’ have priests + 

To turn him out, and exorcists, + 

Supply’d with spiritual provision, + 

And magazines of ammunition; + 

With crosses, relics, crucifixes, + 

Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes; + 

The tools of working our salvation + 

By mere mechanic operation; + 

With holy water, like a sluice, + 

To overflow all avenues: + 

But those wh’ are utterly unarm’d + 

T’ oppose his entrance, if he storm’d, + 

He never offers to surprise, + 

Although his falsest enemies; + 

But is content to be their drudge, + 

And on their errands glad to trudge: + 

For where are all your forfeitures + 

Entrusted in safe hands, but ours? + 

Who are but jailers of the holes + 

And dungeons where you clap up souls; + 

Like under-keepers, turn the keys, + 

T’ your mittimus anathemas; + 

And never boggle to restore + 

The members you deliver o’re + 

Upon demand, with fairer justice + 

Than all your covenanting Trustees; + 

Unless, to punish them the worse, + 

You put them in the secular pow’rs, + 

And pass their souls, as some demise + 

The same estate in mortgage twice; + 

When to a legal Utlegation + 

You turn your excommunication, + 

And for a groat unpaid, that’s due, + 

Distrain on soul and body too. + 

Thought he, ’tis no mean part of civil + 

State prudence to cajole the devil; + 

And not to handle him too rough, + 

When h’ has us in his cloven hoof. + 

’Tis true, quoth he, that intercourse + 

Has pass’d between your friends and ours; + 

That as you trust us, in our way, + 

To raise your members, and to lay, + 

We send you others of our own, + 

Denounc’d to hang themselves or drown, + 

Or, frighted with our oratory, + 

To leap down headlong many a story; + 

Have us’d all means to propagate + 

Your mighty interests of state; + 

Laid out our spiritual gifts to further + 

Your great designs of rage and murther. + 

For if the saints are nam’d from blood, + 

We only have made that title good; + 

And if it were but in our power, + 

We should not scruple to do more, + 

And not be half a soul behind + 

Of all dissenters of mankind. + 

Right, quoth the voice, and as I scorn + 

To be ungrateful, in return + 

Of all those kind good offices, + 

I’ll free you out of this distress, + 

And set you down in safety, where + 

It is no time to tell you here. + 

The cock crows, and the morn grows on, + 

When ’tis decreed I must be gone; + 

And if I leave you here till day, + 

You’ll find it hard to get away. + 

With that the spirit grop’d about, + 

To find th’ enchanted hero out, + 

And try’d with haste to lift him up; + 

But found his forlorn hope, his crup, + 

Unserviceable with kicks and blows, + 

Receiv’d from harden’d-hearted foes. + 

He thought to drag him by the heels, + 

Like Gresham carts, with legs for wheels; + 

But fear, that soonest cures those sores + 

In danger of relapse to worse, + 

Came in t’ assist him with its aid + 

And up his sinking vessel weigh’d. + 

No sooner was he fit to trudge, + 

But both made ready to dislodge; + 

The spirit hors’d him like a sack + 

Upon the vehicle his back; + 

And bore him headlong into th’ hall, + 

With some few rubs against the wall; + 

Where finding out the postern lock’d, + 

And th’ avenues as strongly block’d, + 

H’ attack’d the window, storm’d the glass, + 

And in a moment gain’d the pass; + 

Thro’ which he dragg’d the worsted soldier’s + 

Fore-quarters out by the head and shoulders; + 

And cautiously began to scout, + 

To find their fellow-cattle out. + 

Nor was it half a minute’s quest, + 

Ere he retriev’d the champion’s beast, + 

Ty’d to a pale, instead of rack; + 

But ne’er a saddle on his back, + 

Nor pistols at the saddle-bow, + 

Convey’d away the Lord knows how, + 

He thought it was no time to stay, + 

And let the night too steal away; + 

But in a trice advanc’d the Knight + 

Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright, + 

And groping out for Ralpho’s jade, + 

He found the saddle too was stray’d, + 

And in the place a lump of soap, + 

On which he speedily leap’d up; + 

And turning to the gate the rein, + 

He kick’d and cudgell’d on amain; + 

While Hudibras, with equal haste, + 

On both sides laid about as fast, + 

And spurr’d as jockies use, to break, + 

Or padders to secure, a neck; + 

Where let us leave ’em for a time, + 

And to their churches turn our rhyme; + 

To hold forth their declining state, + 

Which now come near an even rate. + 

The learned write, an insect breeze + 

Is but a mongrel prince of bees, + 

That falls before a storm on cows, + 

And stings the founders of his house; + 

From whose corrupted flesh that breed + 

Of vermin did at first proceed: + 

So, ere the storm of war broke out, + 

Religion spawn’d a various rout + 

Of petulant capricious sects, + 

The maggots of corrupted texts, + 

That first run all religion down, + 

And after ev’ry swarm its own: + 

For as the Persian Magi once + 

Upon their mothers got their sons, + 

That were incapable t’ enjoy + 

That empire any other way, + 

So Presbyter begot the other + 

Upon the Good Old Cause, his mother, + 

Then bore them, like the devil’s dam, + 

Whose son and husband are the same; + 

And yet no nat’ral tie of blood, + 

Nor int’rest for the common good, + 

Could, when their profits interfer’d, + 

Get quarter for each other’s beard: + 

For when they thriv’d, they never fadg’d, + 

But only by the ears engag’d; + 

Like dogs that snarl about a bone, + 

And play together when they’ve none; + 

As by their truest characters, + 

Their constant actions, plainly appears. + 

Rebellion now began, for lack + 

Of zeal and plunder, to grow slack; + 

The Cause and Covenant to lessen, + 

And Providence to b’ out of season: + 

For now there was no more to purchase + 

O’ th’ king’s revenue, and the churches, + 

But all divided, shar’d, and gone, + 

That us’d to urge the brethren on; + 

Which forc’d the stubborn’st for the Cause, + 

To cross the cudgels to the laws, + 

That what by breaking them th’ had gain’d, + 

By their support might be maintain’d; + 

Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie, + 

Secur’d against the hue-and-cry; + 

For Presbyter and Independant + 

Were now turn’d plaintiff and defendant; + 

Laid out their apostolic functions + 

On carnal orders and injunctions; + 

And all their precious gifts and graces + 

On outlawries and scire facias; + 

At Michael’s term had many a trial, + 

Worse than the Dragon and St. Michael, + 

Where thousands fell, in shape of fees, + 

Into the bottomless abyss. + 

For when, like brethren, and like friends, + 

They came to share their dividends, + 

And ev’ry partner to possess + 

His church and state joint-purchases, + 

In which the ablest saint, and best, + 

Was nam’d in trust by all the rest, + 

To pay their money; and, instead + 

Of ev’ry brother, pass the deed; + 

He strait converted all his gifts + 

To pious frauds and holy shifts; + 

And settled all the other shares + 

Upon his outward man and ’s heirs; + 

Held all they claim’d as forfeit lands + 

Deliver’d up into his hands, + 

And pass’d upon his conscience, + 

By pre-intail of Providence; + 

Impeach’d the rest for reprobates, + 

That had no titles to estates, + 

But by their spiritual attaints + 

Degraded from the right of saints. + 

This b’ing reveal’d, they now begun + 

With law and conscience to fall on, + 

And laid about as hot and brain-sick + 

As th’ utter barrister of Swanswick; + 

Engag’d with money-bags as bold + 

As men with sand-bags did of old; + 

That brought the lawyers in more fees + 

Than all unsanctify’d trustees; + 

Till he who had no more to show + 

I’ th’ case receiv’d the overthrow; + 

Or, both sides having had the worst, + 

They parted as they met at first. + 

Poor Presbyter was now reduc’d, + 

Secluded, and cashier’d, and chous’d! + 

Turn’d out, and excommunicate + 

From all affairs of church and state; + 

Reform’d t’ a reformado saint, + 

And glad to turn itinerant, + 

To stroll and teach from town to town, + 

And those he had taught up teach down. + 

And make those uses serve agen + 

Against the new-enlighten’d men, + 

As fit as when at first they were + 

Reveal’d against the Cavalier; + 

Damn Anabaptist and fanatic, + 

As pat as popish and prelatic; + 

And with as little variation, + 

To serve for any sect i’ th’ nation. + 

The Good Old Cause, which some believe + 

To be the devil that tempted Eve + 

With knowledge, and does still invite + 

The world to mischief with new Light, + 

Had store of money in her purse + 

When he took her for bett’r or worse; + 

But now was grown deform’d and poor, + 

And fit to be turn’d out of door. + 

The Independents (whose first station + 

Was in the rear of reformation, + 

A mongrel kind of church dragoons, + 

That serv’d for horse and foot at once, + 

And in the saddle of one steed + 

The Saracen and Christian rid, + 

Were free of ev’ry spiritual order, + 

To preach, and fight, and pray, and murder) + 

No sooner got the start to lurch + 

Both disciplines of war, and church, + 

And providence enough to run + 

The chief commanders of ’em down, + 

But carry’d on the war against + 

The common enemy o’ th’ saints, + 

And in a while prevail’d so far, + 

To win of them the game of war, + 

And be at liberty once more + 

T’ attack themselves, as th’ had before. + 

For now there was no foe in arms, + 

T’ unite their factions with alarms, + 

But all reduc’d and overcome, + 

Except their worst, themselves at home, + 

Wh’ had compass’d all they pray’d, and swore, + 

And fought, and preach’d, and plunder’d for; + 

Subdu’d the nation, church, and state, + 

And all things but their laws and hate; + 

But when they came to treat and transact, + 

And share the spoil of all th’ had ransackt, + 

To botch up what th’ had torn and rent, + 

Religion and the government, + 

They met no sooner, but prepar’d + 

To pull down all the war had spar’d; + 

Agreed in nothing but t’ abolish, + 

Subvert, extirpate, and demolish: + 

For knaves and fools b’ing near of kin + 

As Dutch Boors are t’ a Sooterkin, + 

Both parties join’d to do their best + 

To damn the public interest, + 

And herded only in consults, + 

To put by one another’s bolts; + 

T’ out-cant the Babylonian labourers, + 

At all their dialects of jabberers, + 

And tug at both ends of the saw, + 

To tear down government and law. + 

For as two cheats, that play one game, + 

Are both defeated of their aim; + 

So those who play a game of state, + 

And only cavil in debate, + 

Although there’s nothing lost or won, + 

The public bus’ness is undone; + 

Which still the longer ’tis in doing, + 

Becomes the surer way to ruin. + 

This, when the royalists perceiv’d, + 

(Who to their faith as firmly cleav’d, + 

And own’d the right they had paid down + 

So dearly for, the church and crown,) + 

Th’ united constanter, and sided + 

The more, the more their foes divided. + 

For though out-number’d, overthrown, + 

And by the fate of war run down, + 

Their duty never was defeated, + 

Nor from their oaths and faith retreated; + 

For loyalty is still the same, + 

Whether it win or lose the game; + 

True as the dial to the sun, + 

Although it be not shin’d upon. + 

But when these brethren in evil, + 

Their adversaries, and the devil, + 

Began once more to shew them play, + 

And hopes, at least, to have a day, + 

They rally’d in parades of woods, + 

And unfrequented solitudes; + 

Conven’d at midnight in outhouses, + 

T’ appoint new-rising rendezvouses, + 

And, with a pertinacy unmatch’d, + 

For new recruits of danger watch’d. + 

No sooner was one blow diverted, + 

But up another party started; + 

And, as if nature too, in haste + 

To furnish out supplies as fast, + 

Before her time, had turn’d destruction + 

T’ a new and numerous production, + 

No sooner those were overcome, + 

But up rose others in their room, + 

That, like the Christian faith, increast + 

The more, the more they were supprest: + 

Whom neither chains, nor transportation, + 

Proscription, sale, or confiscation, + 

Nor all the desperate events + 

Of former try’d experiments, + 

Nor wounds could terrify, nor mangling, + 

To leave off loyalty and dangling; + 

Nor death (with all his bones) affright + 

From vent’ring to maintain the right, + 

From staking life and fortune down + 

’Gainst all together, for the crown; + 

But kept the title of their cause + 

From forfeiture, like claims in laws: + 

And prov’d no prosp’rous usurpation + 

Can ever settle in the nation; + 

Until, in spite of force and treason, + 

They put their loyalty in possession; + 

And by their constancy and faith, + 

Destroy’d the mighty men of Gath. + 

Toss’d in a furious hurricane, + 

Did Oliver give up his reign; + 

And was believ’d, as well by saints, + 

As mortal men and miscreants, + 

To founder in the Stygian ferry; + 

Until he was retriev’d by Sterry; + 

Who, in a false erroneous dream, + 

Mistook the New Jerusalem + 

Profanely for th’ apocryphal + 

False Heaven at the end o’ th’ hall; + 

Whither it was decreed by fate + 

His precious relics to translate. + 

So Romulus was seen before + 

B’ as orthodox a senator, + 

From whose divine illumination + 

He stole the Pagan revelation. + 

Next him his son and heir apparent + 

Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent; + 

Who first laid by the Parliament, + 

The only crutch on which he leant; + 

And then sunk underneath the state, + 

That rode him above horseman’s weight. + 

And now the saints began their reign, + 

For which th’ had yearn’d so long in vain, + 

And felt such bowel-hankerings, + 

To see an empire all of kings. + 

Deliver’d from the Egyptian awe + 

Of justice, government, and law, + 

And free t’ erect what spiritual cantons + 

Should be reveal’d, or gospel Hans-Towns, + 

To edify upon the ruins + 

Of John of Leyden’s old out-goings; + 

Who for a weather-cock hung up, + 

Upon the mother church’s top: + 

Was made a type, by Providence, + 

Of all their revelations since; + 

And now fulfill’d by his successors, + 

Who equally mistook their measures: + 

For when they came to shape the model, + 

Not one could fit another’s noddle; + 

But found their light and gifts more wide + 

From fadging than th’ unsanctify’d; + 

While ev’ry individual brother + 

Strove hand to fist against another; + 

And still the maddest, and most crackt, + 

Were found the busiest to transact: + 

For though most hands dispatch apace, + 

And make light work, (the proverb says,) + 

Yet many diff’rent intellects + 

Are found t’ have contrary effects; + 

And many heads t’ obstruct intrigues, + 

As slowest insects have most legs. + 

Some were for setting up a king; + 

But all the rest for no such thing, + 

Unless King Jesus. Others tamper’d + 

For Fleetwood, Desborough, and Lambert; + 

Some for the Rump, and some, more crafty, + 

For Agitators, and the safety; + 

Some for the gospel, and massacres + 

Of spiritual affidavit-makers, + 

That swore to any human regence, + 

Oaths of supremacy and allegiance; + 

Yea, though the ablest swearing saint + 

That vouch’d the bulls o’ the Covenant: + 

Others for pulling down th’ high places + 

Of synods and provincial classes, + 

That us’d to make such hostile inroads + 

Upon the saints, like bloody Nimrods: + 

Some for fulfilling prophecies, + 

And th’ expiration of th’ excise; + 

And some against th’ Egyptian bondage + 

Of holy-days, and paying poundage: + 

Some for the cutting down of groves, + 

And rectifying bakers’ loaves; + 

And some for finding out expedients + 

Against the slav’ry of obedience: + 

Some were for gospel ministers, + 

And some for red-coat seculars, + 

As men most fit t’ hold forth the word, + 

And wield the one and th’ other sword: + 

Some were for carrying on the work + 

Against the Pope, and some the Turk: + 

Some for engaging to suppress + 

The Camisado of surplices, + 

That gifts and dispensations hinder’d, + 

And turn’d to th’ outward man the inward; + 

More proper for the cloudy night + 

Of popery than gospel light: + 

Others were for abolishing + 

That tool of matrimony, a ring, + 

With which th’ unsanctify’d bridegroom + 

Is marry’d only to a thumb + 

(As wise as ringing of a pig, + 

That us’d to break up ground, and dig;) + 

The bride to nothing but her will, + 

That nulls the after-marriage still: + 

Some were for th’ utter extirpation + 

Of linsey-woolsey in the nation; + 

And some against all idolizing + 

The cross in shops-books, or baptizing; + 

Others to make all things recant + 

The Christian or surname of saint; + 

And force all churches, streets, and towns, + 

The holy title to renounce: + 

Some ’gainst a third estate of souls, + 

And bringing down the price of coals: + 

Some for abolishing black-pudding, + 

And eating nothing with the blood in; + 

To abrogate them roots and branches; + 

While others were for eating haunches + 

Of warriors, and now and then, + 

The flesh of kings and mighty men; + 

And some for breaking of their bones + 

With rods of ir’n, by secret ones; + 

For thrashing mountains, and with spells + 

For hallowing carriers’ packs and bells: + 

Things that the legend never heard of, + 

But made the wicked sore afear’d of. + 

The quacks of government (who sate + 

At th’ unregarded helm of state, + 

And understood this wild confusion + 

Of fatal madness and delusion, + 

Must, sooner than a prodigy, + 

Portend destruction to be nigh) + 

Consider’d timely how t’ withdraw, + 

And save their wind-pipes from the law; + 

For one rencounter at the bar + 

Was worse than all th’ had ’scap’d in war; + 

And therefore met in consultation, + 

To cant and quack upon the nation; + 

Not for the sickly patient’s sake; + 

Nor what to give but what to take; + 

To feel the pulses of their fees, + 

More wise than fumbling arteries: + 

Prolong the snuff of life in pain, + 

And from the grave recover⁠—Gain. + 

’Mong these there was a politician + 

With more heads than a beast in vision, + 

And more intrigues in ev’ry one + 

Than all the whores of Babylon; + 

So politic, as if one eye + 

Upon the other were a spy, + 

That, to trepan the one to think + 

The other blind, both strove to blink; + 

And in his dark pragmatic way, + 

As busy as a child at play. + 

H’ had seen three governments run down, + 

And had a hand in ev’ry one; + 

Was for ’em and against ’em all, + 

But barb’rous when they came to fall: + 

For, by trepanning th’ old to ruin, + 

He made his int’rest with the new one; + 

Play’d true and faithful, though against + 

His conscience, and was still advanc’d: + 

For by the witchcraft of rebellion + 

Transform’d t’ a feeble state-camelion, + 

By giving aim from side to side, + 

He never fail’d to save his tide, + 

But got the start of ev’ry state, + 

And at a change ne’er came too late; + 

Cou’d turn his word, and oath, and faith, + 

As many ways as in a lathe; + 

By turning, wriggle, like a screw, + 

Int’ highest trust, and out, for new: + 

For when h’ had happily incurr’d, + 

Instead of hemp, to be preferr’d, + 

And pass’d upon a government, + 

He pay’d his trick, and out he went; + 

But being out, and out of hopes + 

To mount his ladder (more) of ropes, + 

Would strive to raise himself upon + 

The public ruin, and his own; + 

So little did he understand + 

The desp’rate feats he took in hand, + 

For when h’ had got himself a name + 

For fraud and tricks, he spoil’d his game; + 

Had forc’d his neck into a noose, + 

To shew his play at fast and loose; + 

And when he chanc’d t’ escape, mistook, + 

For art and subtlety, his luck. + 

So right his judgment was cut fit, + 

And made a tally to his wit, + 

And both together most profound + 

At deeds of darkness under-ground; + 

As th’ earth is easiest undermin’d + 

By vermin impotent and blind. + 

By all these arts, and many more + 

H’ had practis’d long and much before, + 

Our state artificer foresaw + 

Which way the world began to draw. + 

For as old sinners have all points + 

O’ th’ compass in their bones and joints, + 

Can by their pangs and aches find + 

All turns and changes of the wind, + 

And better than by Napier’s bones + 

Feel in their own the age of moons; + 

So guilty sinners in a state + 

Can by their crimes prognosticate, + 

And in their consciences feel pain + 

Some days before a show’r of rain: + 

He therefore wisely cast about, + 

All ways he could, t’ ensure his throat; + 

And hither came, t’ observe and smoke + 

What courses other riskers took; + 

And to the utmost do his best + 

To save himself, and hang the rest. + 

To match this saint, there was another + 

As busy and perverse a brother, + 

An haberdasher of small wares + 

In politics and state affairs: + 

More Jew than Rabbi AchitopheL, + 

And better gifted to rebel: + 

For when h’ had taught his tribe to ’spouse + 

The Cause, aloft, upon one house, + 

He scorn’d to set his own in order, + 

But try’d another, and went farther; + 

So suddenly addicted still + 

To ’s only principle, his will, + 

That whatsoe’er it chanc’d to prove, + 

Nor force of argument could move, + 

Nor law, nor cavalcade of Holborn, + 

Could render half a grain less stubborn; + 

For he at any time would hang + 

For th’ opportunity t’ harangue; + 

And rather on a gibbet dangle, + 

Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle; + 

In which his parts were so accomplisht, + 

That, right or wrong, he ne’er was nonplust; + 

But still his tongue ran on, the less + 

Of weight it bore, with greater ease; + 

And with its everlasting clack + 

Set all men’s ears upon the rack. + 

No sooner could a hint appear, + 

But up he started to picqueer, + 

And made the stoutest yield to mercy, + 

When he engag’d in controversy: + 

Not by the force of carnal reason, + 

But indefatigable teasing; + 

With vollies of eternal babble, + 

And clamour, more unanswerable: + 

For though his topics, frail and weak, + 

Could ne’er amount above a freak, + 

He still maintain’d ’em, like his faults, + 

Against the desp’ratest assaults; + 

And back’d their feeble want of sense + 

With greater heat and confidence; + 

As bones of Hectors, when they differ, + 

The more they’re cudgel’d, grow the stiffer. + 

Yet when his profit moderated, + 

The fury of his heat abated; + 

For nothing but his interest + 

Could lay his devil of contest. + 

It was his choice, or chance, or curse, + 

T’ espouse the cause for better or worse, + 

And with his worldly goods and wit, + 

And soul and body worshipp’d it: + 

But when he found the sullen trapes + 

Possess’d with the devil, worms, and claps; + 

The Trojan mare in foal, with Greeks, + 

Not half so full of jadish tricks, + 

Though squeamish in her outward woman, + 

As loose and rampant as Doll Common, + 

He still resolv’d to mend the matter, + 

T’ adhere and cleave the obstinater; + 

And still the skittisher and looser + 

Her freaks appear’d to sit the closer: + 

For fools are stubborn in their way, + 

As coins are harden’d by th’ allay; + 

And obstinacy’s ne’er so stiff + 

As when ’tis in a wrong belief. + 

These two, with others, being met, + 

And close in consultation set, + 

After a discontented pause, + 

And not without sufficient cause, + 

The orator we nam’d of late, + 

Less troubled with the pangs of state + 

Than with his own impatience, + 

To give himself first audience, + 

After he had a while look’d wise, + 

At last broke silence, and the ice. + 

Quoth he, There’s nothing makes me doubt + 

Our last outgoings brought about, + 

More than to see the characters + 

Of real jealousies and fears + 

Not feign’d, as once, but sadly horrid, + 

Scor’d upon ev’ry member’s forehead; + 

Who, ’cause the clouds are drawn together, + 

And threaten sudden change of weather, + 

Feel pangs and aches of state-turns, + 

And revolutions in their corns; + 

And, since our workings-out are cross’d, + 

Throw up the cause before ’tis lost. + 

Was it to run away we meant, + 

When, taking of the Covenant, + 

The lamest cripples of the brothers + 

Took oaths to run before all others, + 

But in their own sense only swore + 

To strive to run away before; + 

And now would prove that words and oath + 

Engage us to renounce them both? + 

’Tis true, the cause is in the lurch, + 

Between a right and mongrel-church: + 

The Presbyter and Independent, + 

That stickle which shall make an end on’t; + 

As ’twas made out to us the last + 

Expedient⁠—(I mean Marg’ret’s Fast,) + 

When Providence had been suborn’d + 

What answer was to be return’d: + 

Else why should tumults fright us now, + 

We have so many times come through, + 

And understand as well to tame, + 

As when they serve our turns t’ inflame? + 

Have prov’d how inconsiderable + 

Are all engagements of the rabble, + 

Whose frenzies must be reconcil’d, + 

With drums and rattles, like a child; + 

But never prov’d so prosperous, + 

As when they were led on by us: + 

For all our scourging of religion + 

Began with tumult and sedition; + 

When hurricanes of fierce commotion + 

Became strong motives to devotion; + 

(As carnal seamen in a storm, + 

Turn pious converts, and reform;) + 

When rusty weapons, with chalk’d edges, + 

Maintain’d our feeble privileges; + 

And brown-bills levy’d in the city, + 

Made bills to pass the grand committee; + 

When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves, + 

Gave chase to rochets and white sleeves, + 

And made the church, and state, and laws, + 

Submit t’ old iron and the cause. + 

And as we thriv’d by tumults then, + 

So might we better now agen, + 

If we knew how, as then we did, + 

To use them rightly in our need: + 

Tumults, by which the mutinous + 

Betray themselves instead of us. + 

The hollow-hearted, disaffected, + 

And close malignant, are detected, + 

Who lay their lives and fortunes down + 

For pledges to secure our own; + 

And freely sacrifice their ears + 

T’ appease our jealousies and fears: + 

And yet for all these providences + 

W’ are offer’d, if we had our senses, + 

We idly sit like stupid blockheads, + 

Our hands committed to our pockets; + 

And nothing but our tongues at large, + 

To get the wretches a discharge: + 

Like men condemn’d to thunder-bolts, + 

Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts; + 

Or fools besotted with their crimes, + 

That know not how to shift betimes, + 

And neither have the hearts to stay, + 

Nor wit enough to run away; + 

Who, if we could resolve on either, + 

Might stand or fall at least together; + 

No mean or trivial solaces + 

To partners in extreme distress; + 

Who used to lessen their despairs, + 

By parting them int’ equal shares; + 

As if the more they were to bear, + 

They felt the weight the easier; + 

And ev’ry one the gentler hung, + 

The more he took his turn among. + 

But ’tis not come to that, as yet, + 

If we had courage left, or wit; + 

Who, when our fate can be no worse, + 

Are fitted for the bravest course; + 

Have time to rally, and prepare + 

Our last and best defence, despair; + 

Despair, by which the gallant’st feats + 

Have been achiev’d in greatest straits, + 

And horrid’st danger safely wav’d, + 

By being courageously outbrav’d; + 

As wounds by wider wounds are heal’d, + 

And poisons by themselves expell’d; + 

And so they might be now agen, + 

If we were, what we should be, men; + 

And not so dully desperate, + 

To side against ourselves with fate; + 

As criminals, condemn’d to suffer, + 

Are blinded first, and then turn’d over. + 

This comes of breaking covenants, + 

And setting up exaunts of saints, + 

That fine, like aldermen, for grace, + 

To be excus’d the efficace: + 

For spiritual men are too transcendent, + 

That mount their banks for Independent, + 

To hang like Mahomet i’ th’ air, + 

Or St. Ignatius at his prayer, + 

By pure geometry, and hate + 

Dependence upon church or state; + 

Disdain the pedantry o’ th’ letter; + 

And since obedience is better + 

(The Scripture says) than sacrifice, + 

Presume the less on’t will suffice; + 

And scorn to have the moderat’st stints + 

Prescrib’d their peremptory hints, + 

Or any opinion, true or false, + 

Declar’d as such, in doctrinals; + 

But left at large to make their best on, + 

Without b’ing call’d t’ account or question: + 

Interpret all the spleen reveals, + 

As Whittington explain’d the bells; + 

And bid themselves turn back agen + 

Lord May’rs of New Jerusalem; + 

But look so big and over-grown, + 

They scorn their edifiers t’ own, + 

Who taught them all their sprinkling lessons, + 

Their tones, and sanctified expressions; + 

Bestow’d their gifts upon a saint, + 

Like charity on those that want; + 

And learn’d th’ apocryphal bigots + 

T’ inspire themselves with short-hand notes; + 

For which they scorn and hate them worse + 

Than dogs and cats do sow-gelders. + 

For who first bred them up to pray, + 

And teach, the House of Commons’ way? + 

Where had they all their gifted phrases, + 

But from our Calamys and Cases? + 

Without whose sprinkling and sowing, + 

Who e’er had heard of Nye or Owen? + 

Their dispensations had been stifled, + 

But for our Adoniram Byfield; + 

And had they not begun the war, + 

Th’ had ne’er been sainted, as they are: + 

For saints in peace degenerate, + 

And dwindle down to reprobate; + 

Their zeal corrupts like standing water, + 

In th’ intervals of war and slaughter; + 

Abates the sharpness of its edge, + 

Without the power of sacrilege. + 

And though they’ve tricks to cast their sins + 

As easy as serpents do their skins, + 

That in a while grow out agen, + 

In peace they turn mere carnal men, + 

And from the most refin’d of saints, + 

As naturally grow miscreants, + 

As barnacles turn Soland geese + 

In th’ Islands of the Orcades. + 

Their dispensation’s but a ticket, + 

For their conforming to the wicked: + 

With whom the greatest difference + 

Lies more in words, and show, than sense. + 

For as the Pope, that keeps the gate + 

Of heaven, wears three crowns of state, + 

So he that keeps the gate of hell, + 

Proud Cerberus, wears three heads as well: + 

And if the world has any troth, + 

Some have been canoniz’d in both. + 

But that which does them greatest harm, + 

Their spiritual gizzards are too warm, + 

Which puts the overheated sots + 

In fevers still, like other goats. + 

For though the whore bends hereticks + 

With flames of fire, like crooked sticks, + 

Our schismatics so vastly differ, + 

Th’ hotter th’ are, they grow the stiffer; + 

Still setting off their spiritual goods + 

With fierce and pertinacious feuds. + 

For zeal’s a dreadful termagant, + 

That teaches saints to tear and rant, + 

And Independents to profess + 

The doctrine of dependences; + 

Turns meek, and secret, sneaking ones, + 

To raw-heads fierce and bloody bones: + 

And, not content with endless quarrels + 

Against the wicked and their morals, + 

The Gibellines, for want of Guelphs, + 

Divert their rage upon themselves. + 

For now the war is not between + 

The brethren and the men of sin, + 

But saint and saint, to spill the blood + 

Of one another’s brotherhood: + 

Where neither side can lay pretence + 

To liberty of conscience, + 

Or zealous suff’ring for the cause, + 

To gain one groat’s worth of applause; + 

For though endur’d with resolution, + 

’Twill ne’er amount to persecution. + 

Shall precious saints and secret ones, + 

Break one another’s outward bones, + 

And eat the flesh of brethren, + 

Instead of kings and mighty men? + 

When fiends agree among themselves, + 

Shall they be found the greatest elves? + 

When Bel’s at union with the Dragon, + 

And Baal-Peor friends with Dagon; + 

When savage bears agree with bears, + 

Shall secret ones lug saints by th’ ears, + 

And not atone their fatal wrath, + 

When common danger threatens both? + 

Shall mastiffs, by the collar pull’d, + 

Engag’d with bulls, let go their hold, + 

And saints, whose necks are pawn’d at stake, + 

No notice of the danger take? + 

But though no pow’r of heav’n or hell + 

Can pacify fanatic zeal, + 

Who would not guess there might be hopes, + 

The fear of gallowses and ropes, + 

Before their eyes, might reconcile + 

Their animosities a while; + 

At least until they’d a clear stage, + 

And equal freedom to engage, + 

Without the danger of surprise + 

By both our common enemies? + 

This none but we alone could doubt, + 

Who understand their working-out, + 

And know them, both in soul and conscience, + 

Giv’n up t’ as reprobate a nonsense + 

As spiritual outlaws, whom the pow’r + 

Of miracle can ne’er restore: + 

We, whom at first they set up under, + 

In revelation only of plunder, + 

Who since have had so many trials + 

Of their encroaching self-denials, + 

That rook’d upon us with design + 

To out-reform, and undermine; + 

Took all our interest and commands + 

Perfidiously out of our hands; + 

Involv’d us in the guilt of blood + 

Without the motive gains allow’d, + 

And made us serve as ministerial, + 

Like younger sons of Father Belial; + 

And yet, for all th’ inhuman wrong + 

Th’ had done us and the cause so long, + 

We never fail’d to carry on + 

The work still as we had begun; + 

But true and faithfully obey’d, + 

And neither preach’d them hurt, nor pray’d; + 

Nor troubled them to crop our ears, + 

Nor hang us, like the cavaliers; + 

Nor put them to the charge of gaols, + 

To find us pill’ries and carts’ tails, + 

Or hangmen’s wages, which the state + 

Was forc’d (before them) to be at; + 

That cut, like tallies, to the stumps, + 

Our ears for keeping true accompts, + 

And burnt our vessels, like a new + 

Seal’d peck, or bushel, for b’ing true; + 

But hand in hand, like faithful brothers, + 

Held for the cause against all others, + 

Disdaining equally to yield + 

One syllable of what we held, + 

And though we differ’d now and then + 

’Bout outward things, and outward men, + 

Our inward men and constant frame + 

Of spirit, still were near the same; + 

And till they first began to cant + 

And sprinkle down the Covenant, + 

We ne’er had call in any place, + 

Nor dream’d of teaching down free grace, + 

But join’d our gifts perpetually + 

Against the common enemy. + 

Although ’twas ours and their opinion, + 

Each other’s Church was but a Rimmon; + 

And yet, for all this gospel-union, + 

And outward show of church-communion, + 

They’ll ne’er admit us to our shares + 

Of ruling church or state affairs + 

Nor give us leave t’ absolve, or sentence + 

T’ our own conditions of repentance; + 

But shar’d our dividend o’ th’ crown, + 

We had so painfully preach’d down; + 

And forc’d us, though against the grain, + 

T’ have calls to teach it up again: + 

For ’twas but justice to restore + 

The wrongs we had receiv’d before; + 

And when ’twas held forth in our way, + 

W’ had been ungrateful not to pay; + 

Who, for the right w’ have done the nation, + 

Have earn’d our temporal salvation; + 

And put our vessels in a way + 

Once more to come again in play. + 

For if the turning of us out + 

Has brought this providence about, + 

And that our only suffering + 

Is able to bring in the king, + 

What would our actions not have done, + 

Had we been suffer’d to go on? + 

And therefore may pretend t’ a share, + 

At least, in carrying on th’ affair. + 

But whether that be so, or not, + 

W’ have done enough to have it thought; + 

And that’s as good as if w’ had done ’t, + 

And easier pass’t upon account: + 

For if it be but half deny’d, + 

’Tis half as good as justify’d. + 

The world is nat’rally averse + 

To all the truth it sees or hears; + 

But swallows nonsense, and a lie, + 

With greediness and gluttony; + 

And though it have the pique, and long, + 

’Tis still for something in the wrong; + 

As women long, when they’re with child, + 

For things extravagant and wild; + 

For meats ridiculous and fulsome, + 

But seldom any thing that’s wholesome; + 

And, like the world, men’s jobbernoles + 

Turn round upon their ears, the poles; + 

And what they’re confidently told, + 

By no sense else can be controll’d. + 

And this, perhaps, may prove the means + 

Once more to hedge in providence, + 

For as relapses make diseases + 

More desp’rate than their first accesses, + 

If we but get again in pow’r, + 

Our work is easier than before, + 

And we more ready and expert + 

I’ th’ mystery to do our part: + 

We, who did rather undertake + 

The first war to create than make, + 

And when of nothing ’twas begun, + 

Rais’d funds as strange to carry ’t on; + 

Trepann’d the state, and fac’d it down + 

With plots and projects of our own; + 

And if we did such feats at first, + 

What can we now we’re better vers’d? + 

Who have a freer latitude, + 

Than sinners give themselves, allow’d, + 

And therefore likeliest to bring in, + 

On fairest terms, our discipline; + 

To which it was reveal’d long since, + 

We were ordain’d by Providence; + 

When three saints’ ears our predecessors, + 

The cause’s primitive confessors, + 

B’ing crucify’d, the nation stood + 

In just so many years of blood; + 

That, multiply’d by six, exprest + 

The perfect number of the beast, + 

And prov’d that we must be the men + 

To bring this work about agen; + 

And those who laid the first foundation, + 

Complete the thorough Reformation: + 

For who have gifts to carry on + 

So great a work, but we alone? + 

What churches have such able pastors, + 

And precious, powerful, preaching masters? + 

Possess’d with absolute dominions + 

O’er brethren’s purses and opinions? + 

And trusted with the double keys + 

Of heaven and their warehouses; + 

Who, when the cause is in distress, + 

Can furnish out what sums they please, + 

That brooding lie in bankers’ hands, + 

To be dispos’d at their commands; + 

And daily increase and multiply, + 

With doctrine, use, and usury: + 

Can fetch in parties (as in war + 

All other heads of cattle are) + 

From th’ enemy of all religions, + 

As well as high and low conditions, + 

And share them, from blue ribands, down + 

To all blue aprons in the town; + 

From ladies hurried in calleches, + 

With cor’nets at their footmens’ breeches, + 

To bawds as fat as Mother Nab, + 

All guts and belly, like a crab. + 

Our party’s great, and better ty’d + 

With oaths and trade than any side; + 

Has one considerable improvement, + 

To double fortify the Cov’nant: + 

I mean our Covenant to purchase + 

Delinquents’ titles, and the churches; + 

That pass in sale, from hand to hand, + 

Among ourselves, for current land. + 

And rise or fall, like Indian actions, + 

According to the rate of factions; + 

Our best reserve for Reformation, + 

When new out-goings give occasion; + 

That keeps the loins of brethren girt + 

The Covenant (their creed) t’ assert; + 

And when th’ have pack’d a Parliament, + 

Will once more try th’ expedient: + 

Who can already muster friends, + 

To serve for members, to our ends, + 

That represent no part o’ th’ nation, + 

But Fisher’s-Folly congregation; + 

Are only tools to our intrigues, + 

And sit like geese to hatch our eggs; + 

Who, by their precedents of wit, + 

T’ out-fast, out-loiter, and out-sit, + 

Can order matters underhand, + 

To put all bus’ness to a stand; + 

Lay public bills aside for private, + 

And make ’em one another drive out; + 

Divert the great and necessary, + 

With trifles to contest and vary; + 

And make the nation represent, + 

And serve for us in Parliament; + 

Cut out more work than can be done + 

In Plato’s year, but finish none, + 

Unless it be the Bulls of Lenthal, + 

That always pass’d for fundamental; + 

Can set up grandee ’gainst grandee, + 

To squander time away, and bandy: + 

Make Lords and Commoners lay sieges + 

To one another’s privileges, + 

And, rather than compound the quarrel, + 

Engage to th’ inevitable peril + 

Of both their ruins, th’ only scope + 

And consolation of our hope; + 

Who though we do not play the game, + 

Assist as much by giving aim; + 

Can introduce our ancient arts, + 

For heads of factions t’ act their parts; + 

Know what a leading voice is worth, + 

A seconding, a third, or fourth; + 

How much a casting voice comes to, + 

That turns up trump of ay, or no; + 

And, by adjusting all at th’ end, + 

Share ev’ry one his dividend: + 

An art that so much study cost, + 

And now’s in danger to be lost, + 

Unless our ancient virtuosos, + 

That found it out, get into th’ Houses. + 

These are the courses that we took + 

To carry things by hook or crook; + 

And practis’d down from forty-four, + 

Until they turn’d us out of door: + 

Besides the herds of Boutefeus + 

We set on work without the House; + 

When ev’ry knight and citizen + 

Kept legislative journeymen, + 

To bring them in intelligence + 

From all points of the rabble’s sense, + 

And fill the lobbies of both Houses + 

With politic important buzzes; + 

Set committees of cabals, + 

To pack designs without the walls; + 

Examine, and draw up all news, + 

And fit it to our present use: + 

Agree upon the plot o’ th’ farce, + 

And ev’ry one his part rehearse; + 

Make Q’s of answers, to waylay + 

What th’ other party’s like to say; + 

What repartees and smart reflections, + 

Shall be return’d to all objections; + 

And who shall break the master-jest, + 

And what, and how, upon the rest: + 

Help pamphlets out, with safe editions, + 

Of proper slanders and seditions, + 

And treason for a token send, + 

By letter to a country friend; + 

Disperse lampoons, the only wit + 

That men, like burglary, commit; + 

Wit falser than a padder’s face, + 

That all its owner does betrays; + 

Who therefore dares not trust it when + 

He’s in his calling to be seen; + 

Disperse the dung on barren earth, + 

To bring new weeds of discord forth; + 

Be sure to keep up congregations, + 

In spite of laws and proclamations; + 

For charlatans can do no good + 

Until they’re mounted in a crowd; + 

And when they’re punish’d, all the hurt + 

Is but to fare the better for ’t; + 

As long as confessors are sure + 

Of double pay for all th’ endure, + 

And what they earn in persecution, + 

Are paid t’ a groat in contribution; + 

Whence some tub-holders-forth have made + 

In powd’ring-tubs their richest trade; + 

And while they kept their shops in prison, + 

Have found their prices strangely risen: + 

Disdain to own the least regret + 

For all the Christian blood w’ have let; + 

’Twill save our credit, and maintain + 

Our title to do so again; + 

That needs not cost one dram of sense, + 

But pertinacious impudence. + 

Our constancy t’ our principles, + 

In time will wear out all things else; + 

Like marble statues rubb’d in pieces + 

With gallantry of pilgrims’ kisses; + 

While those who turn and wind their oaths + 

Have swell’d and sunk, like other froths; + 

Prevail’d a while, but ’twas not long + 

Before from world to world they swung, + 

As they had turn’d from side to side; + 

And as the changelings liv’d, they dy’d. + 

This said, th’ impatient states-monger + 

Could now contain himself no longer; + 

Who had not spar’d to shew his piques + 

Against th’ haranguer’s politics, + 

With smart remarks of leering faces, + 

And annotations of grimaces. + 

After h’ had administer’d a dose + 

Of snuff mundungus to his nose, + 

And powder’d th’ inside of his skull, + 

Instead of th’ outward jobbernol, + 

He shook it with a scornful look + 

On th’ adversary, and thus he spoke: + 

In dressing a calf’s head, although + 

The tongue and brains together go, + 

Both keep so great a distance here, + 

’Tis strange if ever they come near; + 

For who did ever play his gambols + 

With such insufferable rambles + 

To make the bringing in the king, + 

And keeping of him out, one thing? + 

Which none could do but those that swore + 

T’ as point-blank nonsense heretofore: + 

That to defend was to invade; + 

And to assassinate, to aid. + 

Unless, because you drove him out + 

(And that was never made a doubt,) + 

No pow’r is able to restore, + 

And bring him in, but on your score: + 

A spiritual doctrine, that conduces + 

Most properly to all your uses. + 

’Tis true, a scorpion’s oil is said + 

To cure the wounds the vermin made; + 

And weapons, drest with salves, restore + 

And heal the hurts they gave before; + 

But whether Presbyterians have + 

So much good nature as the salve, + 

Or virtue in them as the vermin, + 

Those who have try’d them can determine. + 

Indeed, ’tis pity you should miss + 

Th’ arrears of all your services, + 

And for th’ eternal obligation + 

Y’ have laid upon th’ ungrateful nation, + 

Be us’d so unconscionably hard, + 

As not to find a just reward + 

For letting rapine loose, and murther, + 

To rage just so far, but no further; + 

And setting all the land on fire, + 

To burn ’t to a scantling, but no higher; + 

For vent’ring to assassinate, + 

And cut the throats of church and state, + 

And not be allow’d the fittest men + 

To take the charge of both agen: + 

Especially, that have the grace + 

Of self-denying, gifted face; + 

Who when your projects have miscarry’d, + 

Can lay them, with undaunted forehead, + 

On those you painfully trepann’d, + 

And sprinkled in at second-hand; + 

As we have been, to share the guilt + 

Of Christian blood, devoutly spilt; + 

For so our ignorance was flamm’d + 

To damn ourselves t’ avoid being damn’d; + 

Till finding your old foe, the hangman, + 

Was like to lurch you at back-gammon + 

And win your necks upon the set, + 

As well as ours, who did but bet + 

(For he had drawn your ears before, + 

And nick’d them on the self-same score,) + 

We threw the box and dice away, + 

Before y’ had lost us at foul play; + 

And brought you down to rook, and lie, + 

And fancy only, on the by; + 

Redeem’d your forfeit jobbernoles + 

From perching upon lofty poles; + 

And rescu’d all your outward traitors + 

From hanging up like alligators; + 

For which ingeniously y’ have shew’d + 

Your Presbyterian gratitude; + 

Would freely have paid us home in kind, + 

And not have been one rope behind. + 

Those were your motives to divide, + 

And scruple on the other side; + 

To turn your zealous frauds, and force, + 

To fits of conscience and remorse; + 

To be convinc’d they were in vain, + 

And face about for new again: + 

For truth no more unveil’d your eyes, + 

Than maggots are convinc’d to flies; + 

And therefore all your lights and calls + 

Are but apocryphal and false, + 

To charge us with the consequences + 

Of all your native insolences, + 

That to your own imperious wills + 

Laid law and gospel neck and heels; + 

Corrupted the Old Testament, + 

To serve the New for precedent; + 

T’ amend its errors, and defects, + 

With murther, and rebellion-texts; + 

Of which there is not any one + 

In all the Book to sow upon: + 

And therefore (from your tribe) the Jews + 

Held Christian doctrine forth, and use; + 

As Mahomet (your chief) began + 

To mix them in the Alcoran; + 

Denounc’d and pray’d, with fierce devotion, + 

And bended elbows on the cushion; + 

Stole from the beggars all your tones, + 

And gifted mortifying groans; + 

Had lights where better eyes were blind, + 

As pigs are said to see the wind; + 

Fill’d Bedlam with predestination, + 

And Knightsbridge with illumination; + 

Made children, with your tones to run for’t, + 

As bad as Bloody-bones, or Lunsford; + 

While women, great with child, miscarry’d, + 

For being to malignants marry’d: + 

Transform’d all wives to Dallilahs + 

Whose husbands were not for the cause; + 

And turn’d the men to ten-horn’d cattle, + 

Because they came not out to battle; + 

Made tailors’ ’prentices turn heroes, + 

For fear of being transform’d to Meroz; + 

And rather forfeit their indentures, + 

Than not espouse the saints’ adventures: + 

Could transubstantiate, metamorphose, + 

And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus; + 

Enchant the king’s and church’s lands + 

T’ obey and follow your commands; + 

And settle on a new freehold, + 

As Marcly-Hill had done of old; + 

Could turn the Covenant, and translate + 

The gospel into spoons and plate; + 

Expound upon all merchants’ cashes, + 

And open th’ intricatest places? + 

Could catechize a money-box, + 

And prove all pouches orthodox; + 

Until the cause became a Damon, + 

And Pythias the wicked Mammon: + 

And yet, in spite of all your charms, + 

To conjure legion up in arms, + 

And raise more devils in the rout + 

Than e’er y’ were able to cast out, + 

Y’ have been reduc’d, and by those fools + 

Bred up (you say) in your own schools; + 

Who, though but gifted at your feet, + 

Have made it plain, they have more wit; + 

By whom y’ have been so oft trepann’d, + 

And held forth out of all command, + 

Out-gifted, out-impuls’d, out-done, + 

And out-reveal’d at carryings-on; + 

Of all your dispensations worm’d; + 

Out-providenc’d, and out-reform’d, + 

Ejected out of church and state, + 

And all things, but the people’s hate + 

And spirited out of th’ enjoyments + 

Of precious, edifying employments, + 

By those who lodg’d their gifts and graces, + 

Like better bowlers, in your places: + 

All which you bore with resolution, + 

Charg’d on th’ accompt of persecution; + 

And though most righteously opprest, + 

Against your wills, still acquiesc’d; + 

And never hum’d and hah’d sedition, + 

Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision: + 

That is, because you never durst; + 

For had you preach’d and pray’d your worst, + 

Alas! you were no longer able + 

To raise your posse of the rabble: + 

One single red-coat sentinel + 

Out-charm’d the magic of the spell; + 

And, with his squirt-fire, could disperse + 

Whole troops with chapter rais’d and verse. + 

We knew too well those tricks of yours, + 

To leave it ever in your powers; + 

Or trust our safeties, or undoings, + 

To your disposing of out-goings; + 

Or to your ordering providence, + 

One farthing’s worth of consequence. + 

For had you pow’r to undermine, + 

Or wit to carry a design, + 

Or correspondence to trepan, + 

Inveigle, or betray one man, + 

There’s nothing else that intervenes, + 

And bars your zeal to use the means; + 

And therefore wondrous like, no doubt, + 

To bring in kings, or keep them out: + 

Brave undertakers to restore, + 

That could not keep yourselves in pow’r; + 

T’ advance the int’rests of the crown, + 

That wanted wit to keep your own! + 

’Tis true, you have (for I’d be loth + 

To wrong ye) done your parts in both, + 

To keep him out, and bring him in, + 

As grace is introduc’d by sin; + 

For ’twas your zealous want of sense, + 

And sanctify’d impertinence, + 

Your carrying business in a huddle, + 

That forc’d our rulers to new-model; + 

Oblig’d the state to tack about, + 

And turn you, root and branch, all out: + 

To reformado, one and all, + 

T’ your great croysado-general: + 

Your greedy slav’ring to devour, + 

Before ’twas in your clutches, pow’r, + 

That sprung the game you were to set, + 

Before y’ had time to draw the net; + 

Your spite to see the church’s lands + 

Divided into other hands, + 

And all your sacrilegious ventures + 

Laid out in tickets and debentures; + 

Your envy to be sprinkled down, + 

By under-churches in the town; + 

And no course us’d to stop their mouths, + 

Nor th’ Independents’ spreading growths + 

All which consider’d, ’tis more true + 

None bring him in so much as you; + 

Who have prevail’d beyond their plots, + 

Their midnight juntos, and seal’d knots; + 

That thrive more by your zealous piques, + 

Than all their own rash politics. + 

And you this way may claim a share + 

In carrying (as you brag) th’ affair; + 

Else frogs and toads, that croak’d the Jews + 

From Pharaoh and his brick-kilns loose, + 

And flies and mange, that set them free + 

From task-masters and slavery, + 

Were likelier to do the feat, + 

In any indiff’rent man’s conceit: + 

For who e’er heard of restoration + 

Until your thorough reformation? + 

That is, the king’s and church’s lands + 

Were sequester’d int’ other hands: + 

For only then, and not before, + 

Your eyes were open’d to restore; + 

And when the work was carrying on, + 

Who cross’d it, but yourselves alone? + 

As by a world of hints appears, + 

All plain and extant as your ears. + 

But first, o’ th’ first: The Isle of Wight + 

Will rise up, if you should deny ’t; + 

Where Henderson, and th’ other masses, + 

Were sent to cap texts, and put cases; + 

To pass for deep and learned scholars, + 

Although but paltry Ob and Sollers: + 

As if th’ unseasonable fools + 

Had been a coursing in the schools; + 

Until th’ had prov’d the devil author + 

O’ th’ Covenant, and the Cause his daughter, + 

For when they charg’d him with the guilt + 

Of all the blood that had been spilt, + 

They did not mean he wrought th’ effusion, + 

In person, like Sir Pride, or Hughson, + 

But only those who first begun + 

The quarrel were by him set on; + 

And who could those be but the saints, + 

Those reformation termagants? + 

But ere this pass’d, the wise debate + 

Spent so much time, it grew too late; + 

For Oliver had gotten ground, + 

T’ enclose him with his warriors round; + 

Had brought his Providence about, + 

And turn’d th’ untimely sophists out. + 

Nor had the Uxbridge bus’ness less + 

Of nonsense in ’t, or sottishness, + 

When from a scoundrel holderforth, + 

The scum as well as son o’ th’ earth, + 

Your mighty senators took law + 

At his command, were forc’d t’ withdraw, + 

And sacrifice the peace o’ th’ nation + 

To doctrine, use, and application. + 

So when the Scots, your constant cronies, + 

Th’ espousers of your cause and monies, + 

Who had so often, in your aid, + 

So many ways been soundly paid, + 

Came in at last for better ends, + 

To prove themselves your trusty friends, + 

You basely left them, and the church + 

They train’d you up to, in the lurch, + 

And suffer’d your own tribe of Christians + 

To fall before, as true Philistines. + 

This shews what utensils y’ have been, + 

To bring the King’s concernments in; + 

Which is so far from being true, + 

That none but he can bring in you; + 

And if he take you into trust, + 

Will find you most exactly just; + 

Such as will punctually repay + 

With double interest, and betray. + 

Not that I think those pantomimes, + 

Who vary action with the times, + 

Are less ingenious in their art, + 

Than those who dully act one part; + 

Or those who turn from side to side, + 

More guilty than the wind and tide. + 

All countries are a wise man’s home, + 

And so are governments to some, + 

Who change them for the same intrigues + 

That statesmen use in breaking leagues: + 

While others, in old faiths and troths, + 

Look odd as out-of-fashion’d cloths; + 

And nastier in an old opinion, + 

Than those who never shift their linen. + 

For true and faithful’s sure to lose, + 

Which way soever the game goes; + 

And whether parties lose or win, + 

Is always nick’d, or else hedg’d in: + 

While pow’r usurp’d, like stol’n delight, + 

Is more bewitching than the right; + 

And when the times begin to alter, + 

None rise so high as from the halter. + 

And so may we, if w’ have but sense + 

To use the necessary means; + 

And not your usual stratagems + 

On one another, lights and dreams: + 

To stand on terms as positive, + 

As if we did not take, but give: + 

Set up the Covenant on crutches, + 

’Gainst those who have us in their clutches, + 

And dream of pulling churches down, + 

Before w’ are sure to prop our own: + 

Your constant method of proceeding, + 

Without the carnal means of heeding; + 

Who ’twixt your inward sense and outward, + 

Are worse, than if y’ had none, accoutred. + 

I grant, all courses are in vain, + 

Unless we can get in again; + 

The only way that’s left us now; + 

But all the difficulty’s how. + 

’Tis true, w’ have money, th’ only pow’r + 

That all mankind falls down before; + 

Money, that, like the swords of kings, + 

Is the last reason of all things; + 

And therefore need not doubt our play + 

Has all advantages that way; + 

As long as men have faith to sell, + 

And meet with those that can pay well; + 

Whose half-starv’d pride, and avarice, + 

One church and state will not suffice + 

T’ expose to sale, beside the wages + 

Of storing plagues to after-ages. + 

Nor is our money less our own, + 

Than ’twas before we laid it down, + 

For ’twill return, and turn t’ account, + 

If we are brought, in play upon ’t: + 

Or but, by casting knaves, get in, + 

What pow’r can hinder us to win? + 

We know the arts we us’d before, + 

In peace and war, and something more; + 

And by th’ unfortunate events, + 

Can mend our next experiments: + 

For when w’ are taken into trust, + 

How easy are the wisest choust? + 

Who see but th’ outsides of our feats, + 

And not their secret springs and weights; + 

And while they’re busy at their ease, + 

Can carry what designs we please? + 

How easy is ’t to serve for agents, + 

To prosecute our old engagements? + 

To keep the good old cause on foot, + 

And present pow’r from taking root? + 

Inflame them both with false alarms + 

Of plots and parties taking arms; + 

To keep the nation’s wounds too wide + 

From healing up of side to side; + 

Profess the passionat’st concerns + 

For both their interests by turns; + 

The only way to improve our own, + 

By dealing faithfully with none + 

(As bowls run true, by being made + 

On purpose false, and to be sway’d:) + 

For if we should be true to either, + 

’Twould turn us out of both together; + 

And therefore have no other means + 

To stand upon our own defence, + 

But keeping up our ancient party + 

In vigour, confident and hearty; + 

To reconcile our late dissenters, + 

Our brethren, though by other venters: + 

Unite them, and their different maggots, + 

As long and short sticks are in faggots, + 

And make them join again as close + 

As when they first began t’ espouse; + 

Erect them into separate + 

New Jewish tribes, in church and state; + 

To join in marriage and commerce, + 

And only among themselves converse; + 

And all that are not of their mind, + 

Make enemies to all mankind: + 

Take all religions in, and stickle + 

From conclave down to conventicle; + 

Agreeing still, or disagreeing, + 

According to the light in being. + 

Sometimes for liberty of conscience, + 

And spiritual mis-rule, in one sense; + 

But in another quite contrary, + 

As dispensations chance to vary; + 

And stand for, as the times will bear it, + 

All contradictions of the spirit; + 

Protect their emissaries empower’d + 

To preach sedition and the word; + 

And when they’re hamper’d by the laws, + 

Release the lab’rers for the cause, + 

And turn the persecution back + 

On those that made the first attack; + 

To keep them equally in awe, + 

From breaking or maintaining law; + 

And when they have their fits too soon, + 

Before the full-tides of the moon, + 

Put off their zeal t’ a fitter season + 

For sowing faction in and treason; + 

And keep them hooded, and their churches, + 

Like hawks from baiting on their perches, + 

That, when the blessed time shall come + 

Of quitting Babylon and Rome, + 

They may be ready to restore + 

Their own fifth monarchy once more. + 

Meanwhile be better arm’d to fence + 

Against revolts of Providence. + 

By watching narrowly, and snapping + 

All blind sides of it, they happen: + 

For if success could make us saints, + 

Or ruin turn’d us miscreants: + 

A scandal that would fall too hard + 

Upon a few, and unprepar’d. + 

These are the courses we must run, + 

Spite of our hearts, or be undone; + 

And not to stand on terms and freaks, + 

Before we have secur’d our necks: + 

But do our work, as out of sight, + 

As stars by day, and suns by night; + 

All licence of the people own, + 

In opposition to the crown; + 

And for the crown as fiercely side, + 

The head and body to divide; + 

The end of all we first design’d, + 

And all that yet remains behind: + 

Be sure to spare no public rapine, + 

On all emergencies, that happen; + 

For ’tis as easy to supplant + 

Authority as men in want; + 

As some of us, in trusts, have made + 

The one hand with the other trade; + 

Gain’d vastly by their joint endeavour, + 

The right a thief, the left receiver; + 

And what the one, by tricks, forestall’d, + 

The other, by as sly, retail’d. + 

For gain has wonderful effects + 

T’ improve the factory of sects; + 

The rule of faith in all professions, + 

And great Diana of the Ephesians; + 

Whence turning of religion ’s made + 

The means to turn and wind a trade: + 

And though some change it for the worse, + 

They put themselves into a course; + 

And draw in store of customers, + 

To thrive the better in commerce: + 

For all religions flock together, + 

Like tame and wild fowl of a feather; + 

To nab the itches of their sects, + 

As jades do one another’s necks. + 

Hence ’tis, hypocrisy as well + 

Will serve t’ improve a church as zeal: + 

As persecution or promotion, + 

Do equally advance devotion. + 

Let business, like ill watches, go + 

Sometime too fast, sometime too slow; + 

For things in order are put out + 

So easy, ease itself will do’t; + 

But when the feat’s design’d and meant, + 

What miracle can bar th’ event? + 

For ’tis more easy to betray, + 

Than ruin any other way. + 

All possible occasions start + 

The weightiest matters to divert; + 

Obstruct, perplex, distract, entangle, + 

And lay perpetual trains to wrangle. + 

But in affairs of less import, + 

That neither do us good nor hurt, + 

And they receive as little by, + 

Out-fawn as much, and out-comply; + 

And seem as scrupulously just, + 

To bait our hooks for greater trust + 

But still be careful to cry down + 

All public actions, though our own + 

The least miscarriage aggravate, + 

And charge it all upon the state: + 

Express the horrid’st detestation, + 

And pity the distracted nation; + 

Tell stories scandalous and false, + 

I’ th’ proper language of cabals, + 

Where all a subtle statesman says, + 

Is half in words, and half in face, + 

(As Spaniards talk in dialogues + 

Of heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs:) + 

Entrust it under solemn vows + 

Of mum, and silence, and the rose, + 

To be retail’d again in whispers, + 

For th’ easy credulous to disperse. + 

Thus far the statesman⁠—when a shout, + 

Heard at a distance, put him out; + 

And straight another, all aghast, + 

Rush’d in with equal fear and haste; + 

Who star’d about, as pale as death, + 

And, for a while, as out of breath; + 

Till having gather’d up his wits, + 

He thus began his tale by fits. + 

That beastly rabble⁠—that came down + 

From all the garrets⁠—in the town, + 

And stalls, and shop-boards⁠—in vast swarms, + 

With new-chalk’d bills⁠—and rusty arms, + 

To cry the Cause⁠—up, heretofore, + 

And bawl the bishops⁠—out of door, + 

Are now drawn up⁠—in greater shoals, + 

To roast⁠—and broil us on the coals, + 

And all the grandees⁠—of our members + 

Are carbonading⁠—on the embers; + 

Knights, citizens, and burgesses⁠— + 

Held forth by rumps⁠—of pigs and geese, + 

That serve for characters⁠—and badges + 

To represent their personages: + 

Each bonfire is a funeral pile, + 

In which they roast, and scorch, and broil, + 

And ev’ry representative + 

Have vow’d to roast and broil alive: + 

And ’tis a miracle, we are not + 

Already sacrific’d incarnate: + 

For while we wrangle here, and jar + 

W’ are grilly’d all at Temple-Bar: + 

Some on the sign-post of an ale-house, + 

Hang in effigy, on the gallows; + 

Made up of rags, to personate + 

Respective officers of state; + 

That henceforth they may stand reputed, + 

Proscrib’d in law, and executed; + 

And while the work is carrying on + 

Be ready listed under Dun, + 

That worthy patriot, once the bellows, + 

And tinder-box, of all his fellows; + 

The activ’st member of the five, + 

As well as the most primitive; + 

Who, for his faithful service then, + 

Is chosen for a fifth agen + 

(For since the state has made a Quint + 

Of Generals, he’s listed in’t.) + 

This worthy, as the world will say, + 

Is paid in specie, his own way; + 

For, moulded to the life in clouts, + 

Th’ have pick’d from dunghills hereabouts, + 

He’s mounted on a hazel bavin, + 

A cropp’d malignant baker gave ’em; + 

And to the largest bone-fire riding, + 

They’ve roasted Cook already and Pride in; + 

On whom, in equipage and state, + 

His scarecrow fellow-members wait, + 

And march in order, two and two, + 

As at thanksgivings th’ us’d to do; + 

Each in a tatter’d talisman, + 

Like vermin in effigy slain. + 

But (what’s more dreadful than the rest) + 

Those rumps are but the tail o’ th’ beast, + 

Set up by Popish engineers, + 

As by the crackers plainly appears; + 

For none but Jesuits have a mission + 

To preach the faith with ammunition, + 

And propagate the church with powder: + 

Their founder was a blown-up soldier. + 

These spiritual pioneers o’ th’ whore’s, + 

That have the charge of all her stores, + 

Since first they fail’d in their designs, + 

To take in heaven by springing mines, + 

And with unanswerable barrels + 

Of gunpowder dispute their quarrels, + 

Now take a course more practicable, + 

By laying trains to fire the rabble, + 

And blow us up in th’ open streets, + 

Disguis’d in rumps, like Sambenites; + 

More like to ruin, and confound, + 

Than all the doctrines under ground. + 

Nor have they chosen rumps amiss + 

For symbols of state mysteries; + 

Though some suppose ’twas but to shew + 

How much they scorn’d the saints, the few; + 

Who, ’cause they’re wasted to the stumps, + 

Are represented best by rumps. + 

But Jesuits have deeper reaches + 

In all their politic far-fetches, + 

And from the Coptic priest, Kircherus, + 

Found out this mystic way to jeer us. + 

For, as th’ Egyptians us’d by bees + 

T’ express their antique Ptolomies, + 

And by their stings, the swords they wore, + 

Held forth authority and power; + 

Because these subtle animals + 

Bear all their int’rests in their tails; + 

And when they’re once impair’d in that, + 

Are banish’d their well-order’d state; + 

They thought all governments were best + 

By hieroglyphic rumps exprest. + 

For, as in bodies natural, + 

The rump’s the fundament of all, + 

So, in a commonwealth, or realm, + 

The government is call’d the helm; + 

With which, like vessels under sail, + 

They’re turn’d and winded by the tail; + 

The tail, which birds and fishes steer + 

Their courses with through sea and air; + 

To whom the rudder of the rump is + 

The same thing with the stern and compass. + 

This shews how perfectly the rump + 

And commonwealth in nature jump. + 

For as a fly, that goes to bed, + 

Rests with his tail above his head, + 

So in this mongrel state of ours, + 

The rabble are the supreme powers; + 

That hors’d us on their backs, to show us + 

A jadish trick at last, and throw us. + 

The learned rabbins of the Jews + 

Write there’s a bone, which they call leuz, + 

I’ th’ rump of man, of such a virtue, + 

No force in nature can do hurt to: + 

And therefore at the last great day, + 

All th’ other members shall, they say, + 

Spring out of this, as from a seed + 

All sorts of vegetals proceed; + 

From whence the learned sons of art + 

Os sacrum justly stile that part: + 

Then what can better represent + 

Than this rump bone, the Parliament; + 

That, alter several rude ejections, + 

And as prodigious resurrections, + 

With new reversions of nine lives, + 

Starts up, and like a cat revives? + 

But now, alas! they’re all expir’d, + 

And th’ House, as well as members, fir’d; + 

Consum’d in kennels by the rout, + 

With which they other fires put out: + 

Condemn’d t’ ungoverning distress, + 

And paltry private wretchedness; + 

Worse than the devil, to privation, + 

Beyond all hopes of restoration; + 

And parted, like the body and soul, + 

From all dominion and control. + 

We, who could lately with a look + 

Enact, establish, or revoke; + 

Whose arbitrary nods gave law, + 

And frowns kept multitudes in awe; + 

Before the bluster of whose huff, + 

All hats, as in a storm, flew off; + 

Ador’d and bowed to by the great, + 

Down to the footman and valet; + 

Had more bent knees than chapel-mats, + 

And prayers than the crowns of hats; + 

Shall now be scorn’d as wretchedly, + 

For ruin’s just as low as high; + 

Which might be suffer’d, were it all + 

The horror that attends our fall: + 

For some of us have scores more large + 

Than heads and quarters can discharge; + 

And others, who, by restless scraping, + 

With public frauds, and private rapine, + 

Have mighty heaps of wealth amass’d, + 

Would gladly lay down all at last; + 

And to be but undone, entail + 

Their vessels on perpetual jail; + 

And bless the dev’l to let them farms + 

Of forfeit souls on no worse terms. + 

This said, a near and louder shout + 

Put all th’ assembly to the rout, + 

Who now begun t’ out-run their fear, + 

As horses do from whom they bear; + 

But crowded on with so much haste, + 

Until th’ had block’d the passage fast, + 

And barricado’d it with haunches + 

Of outward men, and bulks, and paunches, + 

That with their shoulders strove to squeeze, + 

And rather save a crippl’d piece + 

Of all their crush’d and broken members, + 

Than have them grilled on the embers; + 

Still pressing on with heavy packs + 

Of one another on their backs: + 

The vanguard could no longer bear + 

The charges of the forlorn rear, + 

But, born down headlong by the rout, + 

Were trampled sorely under foot: + 

Yet nothing prov’d so formidable + 

As the horrid cookery of the rabble; + 

And fear, that keeps all feeling out, + 

As lesser pains are by the gout, + 

Reliev’d ’em with a fresh supply + 

Of rallied force enough to fly, + 

And beat a Tuscan running-horse, + 

Whose jockey-rider is all spurs. + 

Who would believe what strange bugbears + 

Mankind creates itself, of fears + 

That spring like fern, that insect weed, + 

Equivocally, without seed; + 

And have no possible foundation, + 

But merely in th’ imagination; + 

And yet can do more dreadful feats + 

Than hags, with all their imps and teats; + 

Make more bewitch and haunt themselves + 

Than all their nurseries of elves? + 

For fear does things so like a witch, + 

’Tis hard t’ unriddle which is which. + 

Sets up Communities of senses, + 

To chop and change intelligences; + 

As Rosicrucian virtuosos + 

Can see with ears, and hear with noses; + 

And when they neither see nor hear, + 

Have more than both supply’d by fear; + 

That makes ’em in the dark see visions, + 

And hag themselves with apparitions; + 

And when their eyes discover least, + 

Discern the subtlest objects best: + 

Do things not contrary, alone, + 

To th’ course of nature, but its own; + 

The courage of the bravest daunt, + 

And turn poltroons as valiant, + 

For men as resolute appear + 

With too much as too little fear; + 

And when they’re out of hopes of flying, + 

Will run away from death, by dying; + 

Or turn again to stand it out, + 

And those they fled, like lions, rout. + 

This Hudibras had prov’d too true, + 

Who, by the furies left perdue, + 

And haunted with detachments, sent + 

From Marshal Legion’s regiment, + 

Was by a fiend, as counterfeit, + 

Reliev’d and rescu’d with a cheat; + 

When nothing but himself, and fear, + 

Was both the imp and conjurer; + 

As, by the rules o’ th’ virtuosi, + 

It follows in due form of poesie. + 

Disguis’d in all the masks of night, + 

We left our champion on his flight, + 

At blindman’s buff, to grope his way, + 

In equal fear of night and day; + 

Who took his dark and desp’rate course, + 

He knew no better than his horse; + 

And, by an unknown devil led, + 

(He knew as little whither) fled. + 

He never was in greater need, + 

Nor less capacity, of speed; + 

Disabled, both in man and beast, + 

To fly and run away his best; + 

To keep the enemy, and fear, + 

From equal falling on his rear. + 

And though with kicks and bangs he ply’d + 

The further and the nearer side + 

(As seamen ride with all their force, + 

And tug as if they row’d the horse, + 

And when the hackney sails most swift, + 

Believe they lag, or run adrift,) + 

So, though he posted e’er so fast, + 

His fear was greater than his haste: + 

For fear, though fleeter than the wind, + 

Believes ’tis always left behind. + 

But when the morn began t’ appear, + 

And shift t’ another scene his fear, + 

He found his new officious shade, + 

That came so timely to his aid, + 

And forc’d him from the foe t’ escape, + 

Had turn’d itself to Ralpho’s shape; + 

So like in person, garb, and pitch, + 

’Twas hard t’ interpret which was which. + 

For Ralpho had no sooner told + 

The Lady all he had t’ unfold, + 

But she convey’d him out of sight, + 

To entertain th’ approaching Knight; + 

And, while he gave himself diversion, + 

T’ accommodate his beast and person, + 

And put his beard into a posture + 

At best advantage to accost her, + 

She ordered the anti-masquerade + 

(For his reception) aforesaid: + 

But when the ceremony was done, + 

The lights put out, and furies gone, + 

And Hudibras, among the rest, + 

Convey’d away, as Ralpho guess’d, + 

The wretched caitiff, all alone, + 

(As he believ’d) began to moan, + 

And tell his story to himself, + 

The Knight mistook him for an elf; + 

And did so still, till he began + 

To scruple at Ralph’s outward man; + 

And thought, because they oft agreed + 

T’ appear in one another’s stead, + 

And act the saint’s and devil’s part + 

With undistinguishable art, + 

They might have done so now, perhaps, + 

And put on one another’s shapes: + 

And therefore, to resolve the doubt, + 

He star’d upon him, and cry’d out, + 

What art? My Squire, or that bold sprite + 

That took his place and shape to-night? + 

Some busy, independent pug, + 

Retainer to his synagogue? + 

Alas! quoth he, I’m none of those, + 

Your bosom friends, as you suppose; + 

But Ralph himself, your trusty Squire, + 

Wh’ has dragg’d your Donship out o’ th’ mire, + 

And from the enchantments of a widow, + 

Wh’ had turn’d you int’ a beast, have freed you; + 

And, though a prisoner of war, + 

Have brought you safe where you now are; + 

Which you would gratefully repay + 

Your constant Presbyterian way. + 

That’s stranger (quoth the Knight) and stranger; + 

Who gave thee notice of my danger? + 

Quoth he, Th’ infernal conjurer + 

Pursu’d and took me prisoner; + 

And knowing you were hereabout, + 

Brought me along to find you out; + 

Where I, in hugger-mugger hid, + 

Have noted all they said or did: + 

And though they lay to him the pageant, + 

I did not see him, nor his agent; + 

Who play’d their sorceries out of sight, + 

T’ avoid a fiercer second fight. + 

But didst thou see no devils then? + 

Not one (quoth he) but carnal men, + 

A little worse than fiends in hell, + 

And that she-devil Jezebel, + 

That laugh’d and tee-he’d with derision, + 

To see them take your deposition. + 

What then (quoth Hudibras) was he + 

That play’d the dev’l to examine me? + 

A rallying weaver in the town, + 

That did it in a parson’s gown, + 

Whom all the parish take for gifted; + 

But, for my part, I ne’er believ’d it: + 

In which you told them all your feats, + 

Your conscientious frauds and cheats; + 

Deny’d your whipping, and confest + 

The naked truth of all the rest, + 

More plainly than the rev’rend writer, + 

That to our churches veil’d his mitre; + 

All which they took in black and white, + 

And cudgell’d me to under-write. + 

What made thee, when they all were gone, + 

And none but thou and I alone, + 

To act the devil, and forbear + 

To rid me of my hellish fear? + 

Quoth he, I knew your constant rate + 

And frame of sp’rit too obstinate + 

To be by me prevail’d upon + 

With any motives of my own; + 

And therefore strove to counterfeit + 

The dev’l a-while, to nick your wit; + 

The dev’l, that is your constant crony, + 

That only can prevail upon ye; + 

Else we might still have been disputing, + 

And they with weighty drubs confuting. + 

The Knight who now began to find + 

Th’ had left the enemy behind, + 

And saw no farther harm remain, + 

But feeble weariness and pain, + 

Perceiv’d, by losing of their way, + 

Th’ had gain’d th’ advantage of the day; + 

And, by declining of the road, + 

They had, by chance, their rear made good; + 

He ventur’d to dismiss his fear, + 

That parting’s want to rent and tear, + 

And give the desperat’st attack + 

To danger still behind its back: + 

For having paus’d to recollect, + 

And on his past success reflect, + 

T’ examine and consider why, + 

And whence, and how, they came to fly, + 

And when no devil had appear’d, + 

What else, it could be said, he fear’d; + 

It put him in so fierce a rage, + 

He once resolv’d to re-engage; + 

Toss’d like a foot-ball back again, + 

With shame and vengeance, and disdain. + 

Quoth he, It was thy cowardice + 

That made me from this leaguer rise: + 

And when I’d half reduc’d the place, + 

To quit it infamously base: + 

Was better cover’d by the new- + 

Arriv’d detachment than I knew; + 

To slight my new acquests, and run + 

Victoriously from battles won; + 

And reck’ning all I gain’d or lost, + 

To sell them cheaper than they cost; + 

To make me put myself to flight, + 

And conqu’ring run away by night; + 

To drag me out, which th’ haughty foe + 

Durst never have presum’d to do; + 

To mount me in the dark, by force, + 

Upon the bare ridge of my horse; + 

Expos’d in querpo to their rage, + 

Without my arms and equipage; + 

Lest, if they ventur’d to pursue, + 

I might th’ unequal fight renew; + 

And, to preserve thy outward man, + 

Assum’d my place, and led the van. + 

All this quoth Ralph, I did, ’tis true, + 

Not to preserve my self, but you; + 

You, who were damn’d to baser drubs + 

Than wretches feel in powd’ring tubs? + 

To mount two-wheel’d caroches, worse + 

Than managing a wooden-horse; + 

Dragg’d out through straiter holes by th’ ears, + 

Eras’d or coup’d for perjurers; + 

Who, though th’ attempt had prov’d in vain, + 

Had had no reason to complain: + 

But since it prosper’d, ’tis unhandsome + 

To blame the hand that paid our ransom, + 

And rescu’d your obnoxious bones + 

From unavoidable battoons. + 

The enemy was reinforc’d, + 

And we disabled, and unhors’d, + 

Disarm’d, unqualify’d for fight, + 

And no way left but hasty flight, + 

Which though as desp’rate in th’ attempt, + 

Has giv’n you freedom to condemn ’t. + 

But were our bones in fit condition + 

To reinforce the expedition, + 

’Tis now unseasonable, and vain, + 

To think of falling on again. + 

No martial project to surprise + 

Can ever be attempted twice; + 

Nor can design serve afterwards, + 

As gamesters tear their losing-cards, + 

Beside our bangs of man and beast + 

Are fit for nothing now but rest, + 

And for a while will not be able + 

To rally and prove serviceable; + 

And therefore I, with reason, chose + 

This stratagem t’ amuse our foes; + 

To make an honourable retreat, + 

And wave a total sure defeat: + 

For those that fly may fight again, + 

Which he can never do that’s slain. + 

Hence timely running’s no mean part + 

Of conduct in the martial art; + 

By which some glorious feats achieve, + 

As citizens by breaking thrive; + 

And cannons conquer armies, while + 

They seem to draw off and recoil; + 

Is held the gallant’st course, and bravest, + 

To great exploits, as well as safest; + 

That spares th’ expense of time and pains, + 

And dangerous beating out of brains; + 

And in the end prevails as certain + 

As those that never trust to fortune; + 

But make their fear do execution + 

Beyond the stoutest resolution; + 

As earthquakes kill without a blow, + 

And, only trembling, overthrow. + 

If th’ ancients crown’d their bravest men, + 

That only sav’d a citizen, + 

What victory could e’er be won, + 

If ev’ry one would save but one? + 

Or fight endanger’d to be lost, + 

Where all resolve to save the most? + 

By this means when a battle’s won, + 

The war’s as far from being done; + 

For those that save themselves, and fly, + 

Go halves, at least, i’ th’ victory; + 

And sometimes, when the loss is small, + 

And danger great, they challenge all; + 

Print new additions to their feats, + 

And emendations in Gazettes; + 

And when, for furious haste to run, + 

They durst not stay to fire a gun, + 

Have done ’t with bonfires, and at home + 

Made squibs and crackers overcome; + 

To set the rabble on a flame, + 

And keep their governors from blame; + 

Disperse the news the pulpit tells, + 

Confirm’d with fire-works and with bells; + 

And though reduc’d to that extreme, + 

They have been forc’d to sing Te Deum; + 

Yet, with religious blasphemy, + 

By flattering Heaven with a lie, + 

And for their beating giving thanks, + 

Th’ have rais’d recruits, and fill’d their banks; + 

For those who run from th’ enemy, + 

Engage them equally to fly; + 

And when the fight becomes a chase, + 

Those win the day that win the race; + 

And that which would not pass in fights, + 

Has done the feat with easy flights; + 

Recover’d many a desp’rate campaign + 

With Bordeaux, Burgundy, and Champaign; + 

Restor’d the fainting high and mighty + 

With brandy-wine and aqua-vitae; + 

And made ’em stoutly overcome + 

With bachrach, hoccamore, and mum; + 

Whom th’ uncontroll’d decrees of fate + 

To victory necessitate; + 

With which, although they run or burn, + 

They unavoidably return: + 

Or else their sultan populaces + 

Still strangle all their routed Bassas. + 

Quoth Hudibras, I understand + 

What fights thou mean’st at sea and land, + 

And who those were that run away, + 

And yet gave out th’ had won the day; + 

Although the rabble sous’d them for ’t, + 

O’er head and ears in mud and dirt. + 

’Tis true, our modern way of war + 

Is grown more politic by far, + 

But not so resolute and bold, + 

Nor ty’d to honour, as the old. + 

For now they laugh at giving battle, + 

Unless it be to herds of cattle; + 

Or fighting convoys of provision, + 

The whole design o’ the expedition; + 

And not with downright blows to rout + 

The enemy, but eat them out: + 

As fighting, in all beasts of prey, + 

And eating, are perform’d one way, + 

To give defiance to their teeth, + 

And fight their stubborn guts to death; + 

And those achieve the high’st renown, + 

That bring the others’ stomachs down. + 

There’s now no fear of wounds, nor maiming; + 

All dangers are reduc’d to famine; + 

And feats of arms, to plot, design, + 

Surprise, and stratagem, and mine; + 

But have no need nor use of courage, + 

Unless it be for glory or forage: + 

For if they fight, ’tis but by chance, + 

When one side vent’ring to advance, + 

And come uncivilly too near, + 

Are charg’d unmercifully i’ th’ rear; + 

And forc’d, with terrible resistance, + 

To keep hereafter at a distance; + 

To pick out ground t’ encamp upon, + 

Where store of largest rivers run, + 

That serve, instead of peaceful barriers, + 

To part th’ engagements of their warriors; + 

Where both from side to side may skip, + 

And only encounter at bo-peep: + 

For men are found the stouter-hearted, + 

The certainer th’ are to be parted, + 

And therefore post themselves in bogs, + 

As th’ ancient mice attack’d the frogs, + 

And made their mortal enemy, + 

The water-rat, their strict ally. + 

For ’tis not now, who’s stout and bold, + 

But who bears hunger best, and cold; + 

And he’s approv’d the most deserving, + 

Who longest can hold out at starving; + 

And he that routs most pigs and cows, + 

The formidablest man of prowess. + 

So th’ emperor Caligula, + 

That triumph’d o’er the British Sea, + 

Took crabs and oysters prisoners, + 

And lobsters, ’stead of cuirassiers, + 

Engag’d his legions in fierce bustles + 

With periwinkles, prawns, and muscles; + 

And led his troops with furious gallops, + 

To charge whole regiments of scallops; + 

Not like their ancient way of war, + 

To wait on his triumphal car; + 

But when he went to dine or sup, + 

More bravely eat his captives up; + 

And left all war, by his example, + 

Reduc’d to vict’ling of a camp well. + 

Quoth Ralph, By all that you have said, + 

And twice as much that I could add, + 

’Tis plain you cannot now do worse + 

Than take this out-of-fashion’d course, + 

To hope, by stratagem, to woo her, + 

Or waging battle to subdue her: + 

Though some have done it in romances + 

And bang’d them into amorous fancies; + 

As those who won the Amazons, + 

By wanton drubbing of their bones; + 

And stout Rinaldo gain’d his bride, + 

By courting of her back and side. + 

But since those times and feats are over, + 

They are not for a modern lover, + 

When mistresses are too cross-grain’d + 

By such addresses to be gain’d; + 

And if they were, would have it out + 

With many another kind of bout. + 

Therefore I hold no course s’ infeasible, + 

As this of force, to win the Jezebel; + 

To storm her heart, by th’ antic charms + 

Of ladies errant, force of arms: + 

But rather strive by law to win her, + 

And try the title you have in her. + 

Your case is clear; you have her word, + 

And me to witness the accord; + 

Besides two more of her retinue + 

To testify what pass’d between you; + 

More probable, and like to hold, + 

Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold; + 

For which so many that renounc’d + 

Their plighted contracts have been trounc’d; + 

And bills upon record been found, + 

That forc’d the ladies to compound; + 

And that, unless I miss the matter, + 

Is all the bus’ness you look after. + 

Besides, encounters at the bar + 

Are braver now than those in war, + 

In which the law does execution + 

With less disorder and confusion; + 

Has more of honour in ’t, some hold, + 

Not like the new way, but the old, + 

When those the pen had drawn together, + 

Decided quarrels with the feather, + 

And winged arrows kill’d as dead, + 

And more than bullets now of lead. + 

So all their combats now, as then, + 

Are manag’d chiefly by the pen; + 

That does the feat with braver vigours, + 

In words at length, as well as figures; + 

Is judge of all the world performs + 

In voluntary feats of arms; + 

And whatsoe’er ’s achiev’d in fight, + 

Determines which is wrong or right; + 

For whether you prevail, or lose, + 

All must be try’d there in the close; + 

And therefore ’tis not wise to shun + 

What you must trust to ere y’ have done. + 

The law, that settles all you do, + 

And marries where you did but woo; + 

That makes the most perfidious lover + 

A lady, that’s as false, recover; + 

And if it judge upon your side, + 

Will soon extend her for your bride; + 

And put her person, goods, or lands, + 

Or which you like best, int’ your hands. + 

For law’s the wisdom of all ages, + 

And manag’d by the ablest sages; + 

Who, though their bus’ness at the bar + 

Be but a kind of civil war, + 

In which th’ engage with fiercer dudgeons + 

Than e’er the Grecians did and Trojans, + 

They never manage the contest + 

T’ impair their public interest; + 

Or by their controversies lessen + 

The dignity of their profession: + 

Not like us brethren, who divide + 

Our commonwealth, the cause, and side; + 

And though w’ are all as near of kindred + 

As th’ outward man is to the inward, + 

We agree in nothing but to wrangle + 

About the slightest fingle-fangle; + 

While lawyers have more sober sense + 

Than t’ argue at their own expense, + 

But make their best advantages + 

Of others’ quarrels, like the Swiss; + 

And out of foreign controversies, + 

By aiding both sides fill their purses; + 

But have no int’rest in the cause + 

For which th’ engage, and wage the laws; + 

Nor further prospect than their pay, + 

Whether they lose or win the day: + 

And though they abounded in all ages, + 

With sundry learned clerks and sages, + 

Though all their business be dispute, + 

Which way they canvass ev’ry suit, + 

Th’ have no disputes about their art, + 

Nor in polemics controvert; + 

While all professions else are found + 

With nothing but disputes t’ abound; + 

Divines of all sorts, and physicians, + 

Philosophers, mathematicians, + 

The Galenist and Paracelsian, + 

Condemn the way each other deals in; + 

Anatomists dissect and mangle, + 

To cut themselves out work to wrangle; + 

Astrologers dispute their dreams, + 

That in their sleeps they talk of schemes; + 

And heralds stickle who got who, + 

So many hundred years ago. + 

But lawyers are too wise a nation + 

T’ expose their trade to disputation, + 

Or make the busy rabble judges + 

Of all their secret piques and grudges; + 

In which whoever wins the day, + 

The whole profession ’s sure to pay. + 

Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats, + 

Dare undertake to do their feats; + 

When in all other sciences + 

They swarm, like insects, and increase. + 

For what bigot durst ever draw, + 

By inward light, a deed in law? + 

Or could hold forth, by revelation, + 

An answer to a declaration? + 

For those that meddle with their tools + 

Will cut their fingers, if they’re fools: + 

And if you follow their advice, + 

In bills, and answers, and replies, + 

They’ll write a love-letter in chancery, + 

Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye, + 

And soon reduce her to b’ your wife, + 

Or make her weary of her life. + 

The Knight, who us’d with tricks and shifts + 

To edify by Ralpho’s gifts, + 

But in appearance cry’d him down, + 

To make them better seem his own + 

(All plagiaries’ constant course + 

Of sinking when they take a purse) + 

Resolv’d to follow his advice, + 

But kept it from him by disguise; + 

And, after stubborn contradiction, + 

To counterfeit his own conviction, + 

And by transition fall upon + 

The resolution as his own. + 

Quoth he, This gambol thou advisest + 

Is of all others the unwisest; + 

For if I think by law to gain her, + 

There’s nothing sillier or vainer. + 

’Tis but to hazard my pretence, + 

Where nothing’s certain, but th’ expense; + 

To act against myself, and traverse + 

My suit and title, to her favours; + 

And if she should (which Heav’n forbid) + 

O’erthrow me, as the fiddler did, + 

What after-course have I to take, + 

’Gainst losing all I have at stake? + 

He that with injury is griev’d, + 

And goes to law to be reliev’d, + 

Is sillier than a sottish chouse, + 

Who, when thief has robb’d his house, + 

Applies himself to cunning men, + 

To help him to his goods agen; + 

When all he can expect to gain + 

Is but to squander more in vain; + 

And yet I have no other way + 

But is as difficult to play: + 

For to reduce her by main force + 

Is now in vain: by fair means, worse; + 

But worst of all to give her over, + 

Till she’s as desp’rate to recover: + 

For bad games are thrown up too soon, + 

Until th’ are never to be won. + 

But since I have no other course + 

But is as bad t’ attempt, or worse, + 

He that complies against his will, + 

Is of his own opinion still; + 

Which he may adhere to, yet disown, + 

For reasons to himself best known: + 

But ’tis not to b’ avoided now, + 

For Sidrophel resolves to sue; + 

Whom I must answer, or begin + 

Inevitably first with him; + 

For I’ve receiv’d advertisement, + 

By times enough, of his intent; + 

And knowing he that first complains + 

Th’ advantage of the business gains; + 

For courts of justice understand + 

The plaintiff to be eldest hand; + 

Who what he pleases may aver, + 

The other, nothing, till he swear; + 

Is freely admitted to all grace, + 

And lawful favour, by his place; + 

And, for his bringing custom in, + 

Has all advantages to win: + 

I, who resolve to oversee + 

No lucky opportunity, + 

Will go to council, to advise + 

Which way t’ encounter, or surprise; + 

And, after long consideration, + 

Have found out one to fit th’ occasion, + 

Most apt for what I have to do, + 

As counsellor and justice too. + 

And truly so, no doubt, he was, + 

A lawyer fit for such a case. + 

An old dull sot, who told the clock + 

For many years at Bridewell-dock, + 

At Westminster, and Hicks’s-Hall, + 

And Hiccius Doctius play’d in all; + 

Where, in all governments and times, + 

H’ had been both friend and foe to crimes, + 

And us’d two equal ways of gaining, + 

By hind’ring justice, or maintaining; + 

To many a whore gave privilege, + 

And whipp’d for want of quarteradge; + 

Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent, + 

For b’ing behind a fortnight’s rent; + 

And many a trusty pimp and crony + 

To Puddle-dock, for want of money; + 

Engag’d the constable to seize + 

All those that would not break the peace, + 

Nor give him back his own foul words, + 

Though sometimes commoners or lords, + 

And kept ’em prisoners of course, + 

For being sober at ill hours; + 

That in the morning he might free + 

Or bind ’em over for his fee: + 

Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays, + 

For leave to practise in their ways; + 

Farm’d out all cheats, and went a share + 

With th’ headborough and scavenger; + 

And made the dirt i’ th’ streets compound + 

For taking up the public ground; + 

The kennel, and the king’s highway, + 

For being unmolested, pay; + 

Let out the stocks, and whipping-post, + 

And cage, to those that gave him most; + 

Impos’d a tax on bakers’ ears, + 

And for false weights on chandeliers; + 

Made victuallers and vintners fine + 

For arbitrary ale and wine; + 

But was a kind and constant friend + 

To all that regularly offend; + 

As residentiary bawds, + 

And brokers that receive stol’n goods; + 

That cheat in lawful mysteries, + 

And pay church duties and his fees; + 

But was implacable, and awkward, + 

To all that interlop’d and hawker’d. + 

To this brave man the Knight repairs + 

For council in his law-affairs; + 

And found him mounted in his pew, + 

With books and money plac’d for show, + 

Like nest-eggs, to make clients lay, + 

And for his false opinion pay: + 

To whom the knight, with comely grace, + 

Put off his hat to put his case; + 

Which he as proudly entertain’d + 

As th’ other courteously strain’d; + 

And, to assure him ’twas not that + 

He look’d for, bid him put on ’s hat. + 

Quoth he, There is one Sidrophel, + 

Whom I have cudgell’d⁠—Very well. + 

And now he brags t’ have beaten me⁠— + 

Better and better still, quoth he. + 

And vows to stick me to a wall, + 

Where’er he meets me⁠—Best of all. + 

’Tis true, the knave has taken ’s oath + 

That I robb’d him⁠—Well done, in troth. + 

When h’ has confess’d he stole my cloak, + 

And pick’d my fob, and what he took; + 

Which was the cause that made me bang him, + 

And take my goods again⁠—Marry, hang him. + 

Now whether I should before-hand, + 

Swear he robb’d me?⁠—I understand. + 

Or bring my action of conversion + 

And trover for my goods?⁠—Ah, whoreson! + 

Or if ’tis better to indite, + 

And bring him to his trial?⁠—Right. + 

Prevent what he designs to do, + 

And swear for th’ state against him?⁠—True. + 

Or whether he that is defendant + 

In this case has the better end on ’t; + 

Who, putting in a new cross-bill, + 

May traverse th’ action?⁠—Better still. + 

Then there’s a Lady too⁠—Aye, marry. + 

That’s easily prov’d accessary; + 

A widow, who, by solemn vows + 

Contracted to me, for my spouse, + 

Combin’d with him to break her word, + 

And has abetted all⁠—Good Lord! + 

Suborn’d th’ aforesaid Sidrophel + 

To tamper with the dev’l of hell; + 

Who put m’ into a horrid fear, + 

Fear of my life⁠—Make that appear. + 

Made an assault with fiends and men + 

Upon my body⁠—Good agen. + 

And kept me in a deadly fright, + 

And false imprisonment, all night. + 

Meanwhile they robb’d me, and my horse, + 

And stole my saddle⁠—Worse and worse. + 

And made me mount upon the bare ridge, + 

T’ avoid a wretcheder miscarriage. + 

Sir, quoth the Lawyer, not to flatter ye, + 

You have as good and fair a battery + 

As heart can wish, and need not shame + 

The proudest man alive to claim: + 

For if th’ have us’d you as you say, + 

Marry, quoth I, God give you joy. + 

I would it were my case, I’d give + 

More than I’ll say, or you’ll believe. + 

I would so trounce her, and her purse; + 

I’d make her kneel for better or worse; + 

For matrimony and hanging here + 

Both go by destiny so clear, + 

That you as sure may pick and choose, + 

As Cross, I win; and, Pile, you lose; + 

And, if I durst, I would advance + 

As much in ready maintenance, + 

As upon any case I’ve known; + 

But we that practise dare not own: + 

The law severely contrabands + 

Our taking bus’ness off men’s hands; + 

’Tis common barratry, that bears + 

Point-blank an action ’gainst our ears, + 

And crops them till there is not leather + 

To stick a pin in left of either; + 

For which some do the summer-sault, + 

And o’er the bar, like tumblers, vault, + 

But you may swear, at any rate, + 

Things not in nature, for the state; + 

For in all courts of justice here, + 

A witness is not said to swear, + 

But make oath; that is, in plain terms, + 

To forge whatever he affirms. + 

I thank you, (quoth the Knight) for that, + 

Because ’tis to my purpose pat⁠— + 

For Justice, though she’s painted blind, + 

Is to the weaker side inclin’d, + 

Like Charity; else right and wrong + 

Could never hold it out so long, + 

And, like blind Fortune, with a sleight + 

Convey mens’ interest and right + 

From Stiles’s pocket into Nokes’s, + 

As easily as Hocus Pocus; + 

Play fast and loose; make men obnoxious, + 

And clear again, like Hiccius Doctius. + 

Then whether you would take her life, + 

Or but recover her for your wife, + 

Or be content with what she has, + 

And let all other matters pass, + 

The bus’ness to the law ’s alone, + 

The proof is all it looks upon; + 

And you can want no witnesses + 

To swear to any thing you please, + 

That hardly get their mere expenses + 

By th’ labour of their consciences; + 

Or letting out to hire their ears + 

To affidavit customers, + 

At inconsiderable values, + 

To serve for jury-men or tallies, + 

Although retain’d in th’ hardest matters + 

Of trustees and administrators. + 

For that, quoth he, let me alone; + 

W’ have store of such, and all our own; + 

Bred up and tutor’d by our teachers, + 

The ablest of conscience-stretchers. + 

That’s well, quoth he; but I should guess, + 

By weighing all advantages, + 

Your surest way is first to pitch + 

On Bongey for a water-witch; + 

And when y’ have hang’d the conjurer, + 

Y’ have time enough to deal with her. + 

In th’ int’rim, spare for no trepans + 

To draw her neck into the bans; + 

Ply her with love-letters and billets, + 

And bait ’em well, for quirks and quillets, + 

With trains t’ inveigle and surprise, + 

Her heedless answers and replies: + 

And if she miss the mouse-trap lines, + 

They’ll serve for other by-designs: + 

And make an artist understand + 

To copy out her seal, or hand; + 

Or find void places in the paper + 

To steal in something to entrap her; + 

Till, with her worldly goods and body, + 

Spite of her heart, she has endow’d ye: + 

Retain all sorts of witnesses, + 

That ply i’ th’ Temple under trees; + 

Or walk the round, with knights o’ th’ posts, + 

About the cross-legg’d knights, their hosts; + 

Or wait for customers between + 

The pillars-rows in Lincoln’s Inn; + 

Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail, + 

And affidavit-men, ne’er fail + 

T’ expose to sale all sorts of oaths, + 

According to their ears and clothes, + 

Their only necessary tools, + 

Besides the Gospel and their souls; + 

And when y’ are furnish’d with all purveys, + 

I shall be ready at your service. + 

I would not give, quoth Hudibras, + 

A straw to understand a case, + 

Without the admirable skill + 

To wind and manage it at will; + 

To veer, and tack, and steer a cause + 

Against the weather-gage of laws + 

And ring the changes upon cases + 

As plain as noses upon faces, + 

As you have well instructed me, + 

For which you’ve earn’d (here ’tis) your fee. + 

I long to practise your advice, + 

And try the subtle artifice; + 

To bait a letter as you bid; + 

As not long after thus he did + 

For having pump’d up all his wit, + 

And humm’d upon it, thus he writ:⁠— + 

An Heroical Epistle of Hudibras to His Lady + 

I who was once as great as Caesar, + 

Am now reduc’d to Nebuchadnezzar; + 

And from as fam’d a conqueror + 

As ever took degree in war, + 

Or did his exercise in battle, + 

By you turn’d out to grass with cattle: + 

For since I am deny’d access + 

To all my earthly happiness, + 

Am fall’n from the paradise + 

Of your good graces, and fair eyes; + 

Lost to the world, and you, I’m sent + 

To everlasting banishment; + 

Where all the hopes I had t’ have won + 

Your heart, b’ing dash’d, will break my own. + 

Yet if you were not so severe + 

To pass your doom before you hear, + 

You’d find, upon my just defence, + 

How much y’ have wrong’d my innocence. + 

That once I made a vow to you, + 

Which yet is unperformed, ’tis true: + 

But not because it is unpaid, + 

’Tis violated, though delay’d; + 

Or, if it were, it is no fault, + 

So heinous as you’d have it thought; + 

To undergo the loss of ears, + 

Like vulgar hackney perjurers: + 

For there’s a diff’rence in the case, + 

Between the noble and the base; + 

Who always are observ’d t’ have done ’t + 

Upon as different an account; + 

The one for great and weighty cause, + 

To salve in honour ugly flaws; + 

For none are like to do it sooner + 

Than those who are nicest of their honour. + 

The other for base gain and pay, + 

Forswear, and perjure by the day; + 

And make th’ exposing and retailing + 

Their souls and consciences a calling. + 

It is no scandal, nor aspersion, + 

Upon a great and noble person, + 

To say he nat’rally abhorr’d + 

Th’ old-fashion’d trick, to keep his word; + 

Though ’tis perfidiousness and shame + 

In meaner men to do the same: + 

For to be able to forget, + 

Is found more useful to the great, + 

Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes, + 

To make ’em pass for wond’rous wise. + 

But though the law on perjurers + 

Inflicts the forfeiture of ears, + 

It is not just that does exempt + 

The guilty, and punish th’ innocent; + 

To make the ears repair the wrong + 

Committed by th’ ungovern’d tongue; + 

And when one member is forsworn, + 

Another to be cropt or torn. + 

And if you should, as you design, + 

By course of law, recover mine, + 

You’re like, if you consider right, + 

To gain but little honour by ’t. + 

For he that for his lady’s sake + 

Lays down his life or limbs at stake, + 

Does not so much deserve her favour, + 

As he that pawns his soul to have her. + 

This y’ have acknowledg’d I have done, + 

Although you now disdain to own; + 

But sentence what you rather ought + 

T’ esteem good service than a fau’t. + 

Besides, oaths are not bound to bear + 

That literal sense the words infer, + 

But, by the practice of the age, + 

Are to be judg’d how far th’ engage; + 

And, where the sense by custom ’s checkt, + 

Are found void, and of none effect. + 

For no man takes or keeps a vow + 

But just as he sees others do; + 

Nor are th’ oblig’d to be so brittle, + 

As not to yield and bow a little: + 

For as best-temper’d blades are found, + 

Before they break, to bend quite round, + 

So truest oaths are still most tough, + 

And though they bow, are breaking proof. + 

Then wherefore should they not b’ allow’d + 

In love a greater latitude? + 

For as the law of arms approves + 

All ways to conquest, so should love’s; + 

And not be ty’d to true or false, + 

But make that justest that prevails: + 

For how can that which is above + 

All empire, high and mighty love, + 

Submit its great prerogative + 

To any other power alive? + 

Shall love, that to no crown gives place, + 

Become the subject of a case? + 

The fundamental law of nature, + 

Be over-rul’d by those made after? + 

Commit the censure of its cause + 

To any but its own great laws? + 

Love, that’s the world’s preservative, + 

That keeps all souls of things alive; + 

Controls the mighty pow’r of fate, + 

And gives mankind a longer date; + 

The life of nature, that restores + 

As fast as time and death devours; + 

To whose free gift the world does owe, + 

Not only earth, but heaven too; + 

For love’s the only trade that’s driven, + 

The interest of state in heav’n, + 

Which nothing but the soul of man + 

Is capable to entertain. + 

For what can earth produce, but love, + 

To represent the joys above? + 

Or who but lovers can converse, + 

Like angels, by the eye-discourse? + 

Address and compliment by vision; + 

Make love and court by intuition? + 

And burn in amorous flames as fierce + 

As those celestial ministers? + 

Then how can any thing offend, + 

In order to so great an end? + 

Or heav’n itself a sin resent, + 

That for its own supply was meant? + 

That merits, in a kind mistake, + 

A pardon for the offence’s sake? + 

Or if it did not, but the cause + 

Were left to th’ injury of laws, + 

What tyranny can disapprove + 

There should be equity in love? + 

For laws that are inanimate, + 

And feel no sense of love or hate, + 

That have no passion of their own, + 

Nor pity to be wrought upon, + 

Are only proper to inflict + 

Revenge on criminals as strict: + 

But to have power to forgive, + 

Is empire and prerogative; + 

And ’tis in crowns a nobler gem + 

To grant a pardon than condemn. + 

Then since so few do what they ought, + 

’Tis great t’ indulge a well-meant fau’t: + 

For why should he who made address, + 

All humble ways, without success, + 

And met with nothing, in return, + 

But insolence, affronts, and scorn, + 

Not strive by wit to countermine, + 

And bravely carry his design? + 

He who was us’d so unlike a soldier, + 

Blown up with philtres of love-powder? + 

And after letting blood, and purging, + 

Condemn’d to voluntary scourging; + 

Alarm’d with many a horrid fright, + 

And claw’d by goblins in the night; + 

Insulted on, revil’d, and jeer’d, + 

With rude invasion of his beard; + 

And when your sex was foully scandal’d, + 

As foully by the rabble handled; + 

Attack’d by despicable foes, + 

And drub’d with mean and vulgar blows; + 

And, after all, to be debarr’d + 

So much as standing on his guard; + 

When horses, being spurr’d and prick’d, + 

Have leave to kick for being kick’d? + 

Or why should you, whose mother-wits + 

Are furnish’d with all perquisites, + 

That with your breeding-teeth begin, + 

And nursing babies, that lie in, + 

B’ allow’d to put all tricks upon + 

Our cully sex, and we use none? + 

We, who have nothing but frail vows + 

Against your stratagems t’ oppose; + 

Or oaths more feeble than your own, + 

By which we are no less put down? + 

You wound, like Parthians, while you fly, + 

And kill with a retreating eye; + 

Retire the more, the more we press, + 

To draw us into ambushes. + 

As pirates all false colours wear + 

T’ entrap th’ unwary mariner, + 

So women, to surprise us, spread + 

The borrow’d flags of white and red; + 

Display ’em thicker on their cheeks + 

Than their old grandmothers, the Picts; + 

And raise more devils with their looks, + 

Than conjurer’s less subtle books; + 

Lay trains of amorous intrigues, + 

In tow’rs, and curls, and periwigs, + 

With greater art and cunning rear’d, + 

Than Philip Nye’s thanksgiving beard, + 

Prepost’rously t’ entice, and gain + 

Those to adore ’em they disdain; + 

And only draw ’em in to clog + 

With idle names a catalogue. + 

A lover is, the more he’s brave, + 

T’ his mistress but the more a slave, + 

And whatsoever she commands, + 

Becomes a favour from her hands; + 

Which he’s oblig’d t’ obey, and must, + 

Whether it be unjust or just. + 

Then when he is compell’d by her + 

T’ adventures he would else forbear, + 

Who with his honour can withstand, + 

Since force is greater than command? + 

And when necessity ’s obey’d, + 

Nothing can be unjust or bad + 

And therefore when the mighty pow’rs + 

Of love, our great ally and yours, + 

Join’d forces not to be withstood + 

By frail enamour’d flesh and blood, + 

All I have done, unjust or ill, + 

Was in obedience to your will; + 

And all the blame that can be due, + 

Falls to your cruelty, and you. + 

Nor are those scandals I confest, + 

Against my will and interest, + 

More than is daily done of course + 

By all men, when they’re under force; + 

When some, upon the rack, confess + 

What th’ hangman and their prompters please; + 

But are no sooner out of pain, + 

Than they deny it all again. + 

But when the devil turns confessor, + 

Truth is a crime he takes no pleasure + 

To hear, or pardon, like the founder + 

Of liars, whom they all claim under; + 

And therefore when I told him none, + 

I think it was the wiser done. + 

Nor am I without precedent, + 

The first that on th’ adventure went: + 

All mankind ever did of course, + 

And daily dues the same, or worse. + 

For what romance can show a lover, + 

That had a lady to recover, + 

And did not steer a nearer course, + 

To fall aboard in his amours? + 

And what at first was held a crime, + 

Has turn’d to honourable in time. + 

To what a height did infant Rome, + 

By ravishing of women, come! + 

When men upon their spouses seiz’d, + 

And freely marry’d where they pleas’d, + 

They ne’er forswore themselves, nor ly’d, + 

Nor, in the mind they were in, dy’d; + 

Nor took the pains t’ address and sue, + 

Nor play’d the masquerade to woo: + 

Disdain’d to stay for friends’ consents; + 

Nor juggled about settlements; + 

Did need no licence, nor no priest, + 

Nor friends, nor kindred, to assist; + 

Nor lawyers, to join land and money + 

In th’ holy state of matrimony, + 

Before they settled hands and hearts, + 

Till alimony or death them parts: + 

Nor would endure to stay until + 

Th’ had got the very bride’s good will; + 

But took a wise and shorter course + 

To win the ladies, downright force; + 

And justly made ’em pris’ners then, + 

As they have, often since, us men, + 

With acting plays, and dancing jigs, + 

The luckiest of all love’s intrigues; + 

And when they had them at their pleasure, + 

Then talk’d of love and flames at leisure; + 

For after matrimony’s over, + 

He that holds out but half a lover, + 

Deserves for ev’ry minute more + 

Than half a year of love before; + 

For which the dames, in contemplation + 

Of that best way of application, + 

Prov’d nobler wives than e’er were known + 

By suit or treaty to be won; + 

And such as all posterity + 

Cou’d never equal, nor come nigh. + 

For women first were made for men, + 

Not men for them.⁠—It follows, then, + 

That men have right to ev’ry one, + 

And they no freedom of their own: + 

And therefore men have pow’r to choose, + 

But they no charter to refuse. + 

Hence ’tis apparent that, what course + 

Soe’er we take to your amours, + 

Though by the indirectest way, + 

’Tis no injustice, nor foul play; + 

And that you ought to take that course, + 

As we take you, for better or worse; + 

And gratefully submit to those + 

Who you, before another, chose. + 

For why should ev’ry savage beast + 

Exceed his great lord’s interest? + 

Have freer pow’r than he in grace, + 

And nature, o’er the creature has? + 

Because the laws he since has made + 

Have cut off all the pow’r he had; + 

Retrench’d the absolute dominion + 

That nature gave him over women; + 

When all his pow’r will not extend + 

One law of nature to suspend; + 

And but to offer to repeal + 

The smallest clause, is to rebel. + 

This, if men rightly understood + 

Their privilege, they would make good; + 

And not, like sots, permit their wives + 

T’ encroach on their prerogatives; + 

For which sin they deserve to be + 

Kept as they are, in slavery: + 

And this some precious gifted teachers, + 

Unrev’rently reputed leachers, + 

And disobey’d in making love, + 

Have vow’d to all the world to prove, + 

And make ye suffer, as you ought, + 

For that uncharitable fau’t. + 

But I forget myself, and rove + 

Beyond th’ instructions of my love. + 

Forgive me (Fair) and only blame + 

Th’ extravagancy of my flame, + 

Since ’tis too much at once to show + 

Excess of love and temper too. + 

All I have said that’s bad and true, + 

Was never meant to aim at you, + 

Who have so sov’reign a control + 

O’er that poor slave of yours, my soul, + 

That, rather than to forfeit you, + 

Has ventur’d loss of heaven too; + 

Both with an equal pow’r possest, + 

To render all that serve you blest; + 

But none like him, who’s destin’d either + 

To have, or lose you, both together; + 

And if you’ll but this fault release + 

(For so it must be, since you please) + 

I’ll pay down all that vow, and more, + 

Which you commanded, and I swore, + 

And expiate upon my skin + 

Th’ arrears in full of all my sin: + 

For ’tis but just that I should pay + 

Th’ accruing penance for delay, + 

Which shall be done, until it move + 

Your equal pity and your love. + 

The Knight perusing this Epistle, + 

Believ’d h’ had brought her to his whistle, + 

And read it like a jocund lover, + 

With great applause t’ himself, twice over; + 

Subscrib’d his name, but at a fit + 

And humble distance, to his wit; + 

And dated it with wondrous art, + 

Giv’n from the bottom of his heart; + 

Then seal’d it with his coat of love, + 

A smoking fagot⁠—and above, + 

Upon a scroll⁠—I burn, and weep; + 

And near it⁠—For her Ladyship, + 

Of all her sex most excellent, + 

These to her gentle hands present. + 

Then gave it to his faithful Squire, + 

With lessons how t’ observe and eye her. + 

She first consider’d which was better, + 

To send it back, or burn the letter: + 

But guessing that it might import, + 

Though nothing else, at least her sport, + 

She open’d it, and read it out, + 

With many a smile and leering flout; + 

Resolv’d to answer it in kind, + 

And thus perform’d what she design’d. + 

The Lady’s Answer to the Knight + 

That you’re a beast, and turn’d to grass, + 

Is no strange news, nor ever was; + 

At least to me, who once, you know, + 

Did from the pound replevin you, + 

When both your sword and spurs were won + 

In combat by an Amazon: + 

That sword, that did (like Fate) determine + 

Th’ inevitable death of vermin, + 

And never dealt its furious blows, + 

But cut the throats of pigs and cows, + 

By Trulla was, in single fight, + 

Disarm’d and wrested from its Knight; + 

Your heels degraded of your spurs, + 

And in the stocks close prisoners; + 

Where still they’d lain, in base restraint, + 

If I, in pity of your complaint, + 

Had not, on honourable conditions, + 

Releas’d ’em from the worst of prisons; + 

And what return that favour met + 

You cannot (though you would) forget; + 

When, being free, you strove t’ evade + 

The oaths you had in prison made; + 

Forswore yourself, and first deny’d it, + 

But after own’d and justify’d it; + 

And when y’ had falsely broke one vow, + 

Absolv’d yourself by breaking two: + 

For while you sneakingly submit, + 

And beg for pardon at our feet, + 

Discourag’d by your guilty fears, + 

To hope for quarter for your ears, + 

And doubting ’twas in vain to sue, + 

You claim us boldly as your due; + 

Declare that treachery and force, + 

To deal with us, is th’ only course; + 

We have no title nor pretence + 

To body, soul, or conscience; + 

But ought to fall to that man’s share + 

That claims us for his proper ware. + 

These are the motives which, t’ induce + 

Or fright us into love, you use; + 

A pretty new way of gallanting, + 

Between soliciting and ranting; + 

Like sturdy beggars, that entreat + 

For charity at once, and threat! + 

But since you undertake to prove + 

Your own propriety in love, + 

As if we were but lawful prize + 

In war between two enemies, + 

Or forfeitures, which ev’ry lover, + 

That would but sue for, might recover, + 

It is not hard to understand + 

The myst’ry of this bold demand, + 

That cannot at our persons aim, + 

But something capable of claim. + 

’Tis not those paltry counterfeit + 

French stones, which in our eyes you set, + 

But our right diamonds, that inspire + 

And set your am’rous hearts on fire: + 

Nor can those false St. Martin’s beads, + 

Which on our lips you lay for reds, + 

And make us wear, like Indian dames, + 

Add fuel to your scorching flames, + 

But those true rubies of the rock, + 

Which in our cabinets we lock. + 

’Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth, + 

That you are so transported with; + 

But those we wear about our necks, + 

Produce those amorous effects. + 

Nor is ’t those threads of gold, our hair, + 

The periwigs you make us wear; + 

But those bright guineas in our chests, + 

That light the wild-fire in your breasts. + 

These love-tricks I’ve been vers’d in so, + 

That all their sly intrigues I know, + 

And can unriddle, by their tones, + 

Their mystic cabals and jargons; + 

Can tell what passions, by their sounds, + 

Pine for the beauties of my grounds; + 

What raptures fond and amorous + 

O’ th’ charms and graces of my house; + 

What ecstasy and scorching flame + 

Burns for my money in my name; + 

What from th’ unnatural desire + 

To beasts and cattle takes its fire; + 

What tender sigh, and trickling tear, + 

Longs for a thousand pounds a year; + 

And languishing transports are fond + 

Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond. + 

These are th’ attracts which most men fall + 

Enamour’d, at first sight, withal; + 

To these th’ address with serenades, + 

And court with balls and masquerades; + 

And yet, for all the yearning pain + 

Y’ have suffer’d for their loves in vain, + 

I fear they’ll prove so nice and coy + 

To have, and t’ hold, and to enjoy, + 

That all your oaths and labour lost, + 

They’ll ne’er turn ladies of the post. + 

This is not meant to disapprove + 

Your judgment in your choice of love; + 

Which is so wise the greatest part + 

Of mankind study ’t as an art; + 

For love should, like a deodand, + 

Still fall to th’ owner of the land; + 

And where there’s substance for its ground, + 

Cannot but be more firm and sound + 

Than that which has the slightest basis + 

Of airy virtue, wit, and graces; + 

Which is of such thin subtlety, + 

It steals and creeps in at the eye, + 

And, as it can’t endure to stay, + 

Steals out again as nice a way. + 

But love, that its extraction owns + 

From solid gold and precious stones, + 

Must, like its shining parents, prove + 

As solid, and as glorious love. + 

Hence ’tis you have no way t’ express + 

Our charms and graces but by these: + 

For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth, + 

Which beauty invades and conquers with, + 

But rubies, pearls, and diamonds, + 

With which a philtre love commands? + 

This is the way all parents prove, + 

In managing their children’s love, + 

That force ’em t’ intermarry and wed, + 

As if th’ were burying of the dead; + 

Cast earth to earth, as in the grave, + 

To join in wedlock all they have, + 

And, when the settlement’s in force, + 

Take all the rest for better or worse: + 

For money has a power above + 

The stars and fate to manage love, + 

Whose arrows, learned poets hold, + 

That never miss, are tipp’d with gold. + 

And though some say the parents’ claims + 

To make love in their children’s names, + 

Who many times at once provide + 

The nurse, the husband, and the bride, + 

Feel darts and charms, attracts and flames, + 

And woo and contract in their names, + 

And as they christen, use to marry ’em, + 

And, like their gossips, answer for ’em; + 

Is not to give in matrimony, + 

But sell and prostitute for money; + 

’Tis better than their own betrothing, + 

Who often do ’t for worse than nothing; + 

And when th’ are at their own dispose, + 

With greater disadvantage choose. + 

All this is right; but for the course + 

You take to do ’t, by fraud or force, + 

’Tis so ridiculous, as soon + 

As told, ’tis never to be done, + 

No more than setters can betray, + 

That tell what tricks they are to play. + 

Marriage, at best, is but a vow, + 

Which all men either break or bow: + 

Then what will those forbear to do, + 

Who perjure when they do but woo? + 

Such as before-hand swear and lie + 

For earnest to their treachery, + 

And, rather than a crime confess, + 

With greater strive to make it less? + 

Like thieves, who, after sentence past, + 

Maintain their innocence to the last; + 

And when their crimes were made appear + 

As plain as witnesses can swear, + 

Yet, when the wretches come to die, + 

Will take upon their death a lie. + 

Nor are the virtues you confess’d + 

T’ your ghostly father, as you guess’d, + 

So slight as to be justify’d + 

By being as shamefully deny’d; + 

As if you thought your word would pass + 

Point-blank, on both sides of a case; + 

Or credit were not to be lost + 

B’ a brave Knight-Errant of the Post, + 

That eats perfidiously his word, + 

And swears his ears through a two-inch board; + 

Can own the same thing, and disown, + 

And perjure booty, pro and con; + 

Can make the Gospel serve his turn, + 

And help him out, to be forsworn; + 

When ’tis laid hands upon, and kist, + 

To be betray’d and sold, like Christ. + 

These are the virtues in whose name + 

A right to all the world you claim, + 

And boldly challenge a dominion, + 

In grace and nature, o’er all women; + 

Of whom no less will satisfy + 

Than all the sex your tyranny. + 

Although you’ll find it a hard province, + 

With all your crafty frauds and covins, + 

To govern such a num’rous crew, + 

Who, one by one, now govern you; + 

For if you all were Solomons, + 

And wise and great as he was once, + 

You’ll find they’re able to subdue + 

(As they did him) and baffle you. + 

And if you are impos’d upon, + 

’Tis by your own temptation done, + 

That with your ignorance invite, + 

And teach us how to use the slight; + 

For when we find y’ are still more taken + 

With false attracts of our own making, + 

Swear that’s a rose, and that a stone, + 

Like sots, to us that laid it on, + 

And what we did but slightly prime, + 

Most ignorantly daub in rhyme; + 

You force us, in our own defences, + 

To copy beams and influences; + 

To lay perfections on the graces, + 

And draw attracts upon our faces, + 

And, in compliance to your wit, + 

Your own false jewels counterfeit: + 

For by the practice of those arts + 

We gain a greater share of hearts; + 

And those deserve in reason most + 

That greatest pains and study cost: + 

For great perfections are, like heaven, + 

Too rich a present to be given. + 

Nor are these master-strokes of beauty + 

To be perform’d without hard duty, + 

Which, when they’re nobly done and well, + 

The simple natural excel. + 

How fair and sweet the planted rose + 

Beyond the wild in hedges grows! + 

For without art the noblest seeds + 

Of flow’rs degen’rate into weeds. + 

How dull and rugged, ere ’tis ground + 

And polish’d looks a diamond! + 

Though Paradise were e’er so fair, + 

It was not kept so without care. + 

The whole world, without art and dress, + 

Would be but one great wilderness; + 

And mankind but a savage herd, + 

For all that nature has conferr’d: + 

This does but rough-hew, and design; + 

Leaves art to polish and refine. + 

Though women first were made for men, + 

Yet men were made for them agen; + 

For when (outwitted by his wife) + 

Man first turn’d tenant but for life, + 

If women had not interven’d, + 

How soon had mankind had an end! + 

And that it is in being yet, + 

To us alone you are in debt. + 

And where’s your liberty of choice, + 

And our unnatural no voice? + 

Since all the privilege you boast, + 

And falsely usurp’d, or vainly lost, + 

Is now our right; to whose creation + 

You owe your happy restoration; + 

And if we had not weighty cause + 

To not appear, in making laws, + 

We could, in spite of all your tricks, + 

And shallow, formal politics, + 

Force you our managements t’ obey, + 

As we to yours (in show) give way. + 

Hence ’tis that, while you vainly strive + 

T’ advance your high prerogative, + 

You basely, after all your braves, + 

Submit, and own yourselves our slaves; + 

And ’cause we do not make it known, + 

Nor publicly our int’rest own, + 

Like sots, suppose we have no shares + 

In ord’ring you and your affairs; + 

When all your empire and command + 

You have from us at second hand; + 

As if a pilot, that appears + 

To sit still only while he steers, + 

And does not make a noise and stir, + 

Like ev’ry common mariner, + 

Knew nothing of the card, nor star, + 

And did not guide the man-of-war; + 

Nor we, because we don’t appear + 

In councils, do not govern there; + 

While, like the mighty Prester John, + 

Whose person none dares look upon, + 

But is preserv’d in close disguise, + 

From being made cheap to vulgar eyes, + 

W’ enjoy as large a pow’r unseen, + 

To govern him, as he does men; + 

And in the right of our Pope Joan, + 

Make Emp’rors at our feet fall down: + 

Or Joan de Pucel’s braver name, + 

Our right to arms and conduct claim; + 

Who, though a Spinster, yet was able + 

To serve France for a Grand Constable. + 

We make and execute all laws, + 

Can judge the judges and the cause; + 

Prescribe all rules of right or wrong + 

To th’ long robe, and the longer tongue, + 

’Gainst which the world has no defence; + 

But our more pow’rful eloquence. + 

We manage things of greatest weight + 

In all the world’s affairs of state; + 

Are ministers of war and peace, + 

That sway all nations how we please. + 

We rule all churches and their flocks, + 

Heretical and orthodox; + 

And are the heavenly vehicles + 

O’ th’ spirits in all conventicles. + 

By us is all commerce and trade + 

Improv’d, and manag’d, and decay’d; + 

For nothing can go off so well, + 

Nor bears that price, as what we sell. + 

We rule in ev’ry public meeting, + 

And make men do what we judge fitting; + 

Are magistrates in all great towns, + 

Where men do nothing but wear gowns. + 

We make the man-of-war strike sail, + 

And to our braver conduct veil, + 

And, when h’ has chas’d his enemies, + 

Submit to us upon his knees. + 

Is there an officer of state + 

Untimely rais’d, or magistrate, + 

That’s haughty and imperious? + 

He’s but a journeyman to us. + 

That as he gives us cause to do ’t, + 

Can keep him in, or turn him out. + 

We are your guardians, that increase + 

Or waste your fortunes how we please; + 

And, as you humour us, can deal + 

In all your matters, ill or well. + 

’Tis we that can dispose, alone, + 

Whether your heirs shall be your own, + 

To whose integrity you must, + 

In spite of all your caution, trust; + 

And, ’less you fly beyond the seas, + 

Can fit you with what heirs we please; + 

And force you t’ own ’em, though begotten + 

By French valets, or Irish footmen. + 

Nor can the rigoroursest course + 

Prevail, unless to make us worse; + 

Who still, the harsher we are us’d, + 

Are further off from b’ing reduc’d, + 

And scorn t’ abate, for any ills, + 

The least punctilios of our wills. + 

Force does but whet our wits t’ apply + 

Arts, born with us for remedy; + 

Which all your politics, as yet, + 

Have ne’er been able to defeat: + 

For when y’ have try’d all sorts of ways, + 

What fools d’ we make of you in plays! + 

While all the favours we afford, + 

Are but to girt you with the sword, + 

To fight our battles in our steads, + 

And have your brains beat out o’ your heads; + 

Encounter, in despite of nature, + 

And fight at once with fire and water, + 

With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas, + 

Our pride and vanity t’ appease; + 

Kill one another, and cut throats, + 

For our good graces, and best thoughts; + 

To do your exercise for honour, + 

And have your brains beat out the sooner; + 

Or crack’d, as learnedly, upon + 

Things that are never to be known; + 

And still appear the more industrious, + 

The more your projects are prepost’rous; + 

To square the circle of the arts, + 

And run stark mad to shew your parts; + 

Expound the oracle of laws, + 

And turn them which way we see cause; + 

Be our solicitors and agents, + 

And stand for us in all engagements. + 

And these are all the mighty pow’rs + 

You vainly boast to cry down ours, + 

And what in real value’s wanting, + 

Supply with vapouring and ranting; + 

Because yourselves are terrify’d, + 

And stoop to one another’s pride, + 

Believe we have as little wit + 

To be out-hector’d, and submit; + 

By your example, lose that right + 

In treaties which we gain’d in fight; + 

And, terrify’d into an awe, + 

Pass on ourselves a Salique law: + 

Or, as some nations use, give place, + 

And truckle to your mighty race; + 

Let men usurp th’ unjust dominion, + 

As if they were the better women. + 