Act + 

V + 

Scene + 

I + 

The library in Joseph Surface’s house. + 

Enter Joseph Surface and Servant. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him? you must know he comes to ask something. + 

Servant + 

Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. Rowley came to the door with him. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Pshaw! blockhead! to suppose that I should now be in a temper to receive visits from poor relations!⁠—Well, why don’t you show the fellow up? + 

Servant + 

I will, sir.⁠—⁠Why, sir, it was not my fault that Sir Peter discovered my lady⁠— + 

Joseph Surface + 

Go, fool!⁠— + 

Exit Servant. + 

Sure Fortune never played a man of my policy such a trick before! My character with Sir Peter, my hopes with Maria, destroyed in a moment! I’m in a rare humour to listen to other people’s distresses! I shan’t be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley.⁠—⁠So! here he comes, and Rowley with him. I must try to recover myself, and put a little charity into my face, however. + 

Exit. + 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Rowley. + 

Sir Oliver + 

What! does he avoid us? That was he, was it not? + 

Rowley + 

It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little too abruptly. His nerves are so weak, that the sight of a poor relation may be too much for him. I should have gone first to break it to him. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, plague of his nerves! Yet this is he whom Sir Peter extols as a man of the most benevolent way of thinking! + 

Rowley + 

As to his way of thinking, I cannot pretend to decide; for, to do him justice, he appears to have as much speculative benevolence as any private gentleman in the kingdom, though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Yet he has a string of charitable sentiments at his fingers’ ends. + 

Rowley + 

Or, rather, at his tongue’s end, Sir Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he has such faith in as that Charity begins at home. + 

Sir Oliver + 

And his, I presume, is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all. + 

Rowley + 

I doubt you’ll find it so;⁠—but he’s coming. I mustn’t seem to interrupt you; and you know, immediately as you leave him, I come in to announce your arrival in your real character. + 

Sir Oliver + 

True; and afterwards you’ll meet me at Sir Peter’s. + 

Rowley + 

Without losing a moment. + 

Exit. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I don’t like the complaisance of his features. + 

Reenter Joseph Surface. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons for keeping you a moment waiting⁠—Mr. Stanley, I presume. + 

Sir Oliver + 

At your service. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit down⁠—I entreat you, sir⁠— + 

Sir Oliver + 

Dear sir⁠—there’s no occasion. Aside. Too civil by half! + 

Joseph Surface + 

I have not the pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley; but I am extremely happy to see you look so well. You were nearly related to my mother, I think, Mr. Stanley. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I was, sir; so nearly that my present poverty, I fear, may do discredit to her wealthy children, else I should not have presumed to trouble you. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Dear sir, there needs no apology;⁠—he that is in distress, though a stranger, has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy. I am sure I wish I was one of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief. + 

Sir Oliver + 

If your uncle, Sir Oliver, were here, I should have a friend. + 

Joseph Surface + 

I wish he was, sir, with all my heart: you should not want an advocate with him, believe me, sir. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I should not need one⁠—my distresses would recommend me. But I imagined his bounty would enable you to become the agent of his charity. + 

Joseph Surface + 

My dear sir, you were strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is a worthy man, a very worthy man; but avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. I will tell you, my good sir, in confidence, what he has done for me has been a mere nothing; though people, I know, have thought otherwise, and, for my part, I never chose to contradict the report. + 

Sir Oliver + 

What! has he never transmitted you bullion⁠—rupees⁠—pagodas? + 

Joseph Surface + 

Oh, dear sir, nothing of the kind! No, no; a few presents now and then⁠—china, shawls, congou tea, avadavats, and Indian crackers⁠—little more, believe me. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Here’s gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!⁠—Avadavats and Indian crackers! Aside. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Then, my dear sir, you have heard, I doubt not, of the extravagance of my brother: there are very few would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Not I, for one! Aside. + 

Joseph Surface + 

The sums I have lent him!⁠—Indeed I have been exceedingly to blame; it was an amiable weakness; however, I don’t pretend to defend it⁠—and now I feel it doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Aside. Dissembler!⁠—Aloud. Then, sir, you can’t assist me? + 

Joseph Surface + 

At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but, whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I am extremely sorry⁠— + 

Joseph Surface + 

Not more than I, believe me; to pity without the power to relieve, is still more painful than to ask and be denied. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Kind sir, your most obedient humble servant. + 

Joseph Surface + 

You leave me deeply affected, Mr. Stanley.⁠—⁠William, be ready to open the door. Calls to Servant. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, dear sir, no ceremony. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Your very obedient. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Sir, your most obsequious. + 

Joseph Surface + 

You may depend upon hearing from me, whenever I can be of service. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Sweet sir, you are too good! + 

Joseph Surface + 

In the meantime I wish you health and spirits. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, yours as sincerely. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Aside. Charles, you are my heir! + 

Exit. + 

Joseph Surface + 

This is one bad effect of a good character; it invites application from the unfortunate, and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of benevolence without incurring the expense. The silver ore of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man’s good qualities; whereas the sentimental French plate I use instead of it makes just as good a show, and pays no tax. + 

Reenter Rowley. + 

Rowley + 

Mr. Surface, your servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, though my business demands immediate attention, as this note will inform you. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Always happy to see Mr. Rowley⁠—a rascal.⁠—⁠Aside. Reads the letter. Sir Oliver Surface!⁠—My uncle arrived! + 

Rowley + 

He is, indeed: we have just parted⁠—quite well, after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew. + 

Joseph Surface + 

I am astonished!⁠—William! stop Mr. Stanley, if he’s not gone. Calls to Servant. + 

Rowley + 

Oh! he’s out of reach, I believe. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Why did you not let me know this when you came in together? + 

Rowley + 

I thought you had particular business. But I must be gone to inform your brother, and appoint him here to meet your uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of an hour. + 

Joseph Surface + 

So he says. Well, I am strangely overjoyed at his coming.⁠—⁠Aside. Never, to be sure, was anything so damned unlucky! + 

Rowley + 

You will be delighted to see how well he looks. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Ah! I’m rejoiced to hear it.⁠—⁠Aside. Just at this time! + 

Rowley + 

I’ll tell him how impatiently you expect him. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Do, do; pray give my best duty and affection. Indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him. + 

Exit Rowley. + 

Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruellest piece of ill-fortune. + 

Exit. + 

Scene + 

II + 

A room in Sir Peter Teazle’s house. + 

Enter Mrs. Candour and Maid. + 

Maid + 

Indeed, ma’am, my lady will see nobody at present. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Did you tell her it was her friend, Mrs. Candour? + 

Maid + 

Yes, ma’am; but she begs you will excuse her. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Do go again: I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I’m sure she must be in great distress.⁠— + 

Exit Maid. + 

Dear heart, how provoking! I’m not mistress of half the circumstances! We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers, with the names of the parties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses. + 

Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite. + 

Oh, dear Sir Benjamin! you have heard, I suppose⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface⁠— + 

Mrs. Candour + 

And Sir Peter’s discovery⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Oh, the strangest piece of business, to be sure! + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Well, I never was so surprised in my life. I am so sorry for all parties, indeed. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Now, I don’t pity Sir Peter at all: he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Mr. Surface! Why, ’twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

No, no, I tell you: Mr. Surface is the gallant. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

No such thing! Charles is the man. ’T was Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

I tell you I had it from one⁠— + 

Mrs. Candour + 

And I have it from one⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Who had it from one, who had it⁠— + 

Mrs. Candour + 

From one immediately⁠—But here comes Lady Sneerwell; perhaps she knows the whole affair. + 

Enter Lady Sneerwell. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here’s a sad affair of our friend Lady Teazle! + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought⁠— + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she was always too lively for me. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

To be sure, her manners were a little too free; but then she was so young! + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

And had, indeed, some good qualities. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars? + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

No; but everybody says that Mr. Surface⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Ay, there; I told you Mr. Surface was the man. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour! + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Yes, yes; he was the lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, was only the informer. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Well, I’ll not dispute with you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter’s wound, will not⁠— + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Sir Peter’s wound! Oh, mercy! I didn’t hear a word of their fighting. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Nor I, a syllable. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

No! what, no mention of the duel? + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Not a word. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Oh, yes: they fought before they left the room. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Pray let us hear. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, do oblige us with the duel. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Sir, says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, you are a most ungrateful fellow. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, to Charles⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

No, no⁠—to Mr. Surface⁠—a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir, says he, I insist on immediate satisfaction. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, that must have been to Charles; for ’tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Gad’s life, ma’am, not at all⁠—giving me immediate satisfaction.⁠—On this, ma’am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out of the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out for hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight with swords⁠— + 

Enter Crabtree. + 

Crabtree + 

With pistols, nephew⁠—pistols! I have it from undoubted authority. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Oh, Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true! + 

Crabtree + 

Too true, indeed, madam, and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

By a thrust in segoon quite through his left side⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

By a bullet lodged in the thorax. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Mercy on me! Poor Sir Peter! + 

Crabtree + 

Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he could. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

I told you who it was; I knew Charles was the person. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter. + 

Crabtree + 

But Sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingratitude⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

That I told you, you know⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

Do, nephew, let me speak!⁠—and insisted on immediate⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Just as I said⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too! A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, had come home the night before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

I heard nothing of this. + 

Crabtree + 

Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles’s shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter’s missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakespeare that stood over the fireplace, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

My uncle’s account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I believe mine is the true one, for all that. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Aside. I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information. + 

Exit Lady Sneerwell. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Ah! Lady Sneerwell’s alarm is very easily accounted for. + 

Crabtree + 

Yes, yes, they certainly do say⁠—but that’s neither here nor there. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present? + 

Crabtree + 

Oh, they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny him. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

I believe so, and Lady Teazle, I suppose, attending him. + 

Crabtree + 

Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Hey! who comes here? + 

Crabtree + 

Oh, this is he: the physician, depend on’t. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Oh, certainly! it must be the physician; and now we shall know. + 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface. + 

Crabtree + 

Well, doctor, what hopes? + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, doctor, how’s your patient? + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Now, doctor, isn’t it a wound with a small-sword? + 

Crabtree + 

A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Doctor! a wound with a small-sword! and a bullet in the thorax!⁠—Oons! are you mad, good people? + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Truly, I am to thank you for my degree, if I am. + 

Crabtree + 

Only a friend of Sir Peter’s, then, I presume. But, sir, you must have heard of his accident? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Not a word! + 

Crabtree + 

Not of his being dangerously wounded? + 

Sir Oliver + 

The devil he is! + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Run through the body⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

Shot in the breast⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

By one Mr. Surface⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

Ay, the younger. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts: however, you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Oh, yes, we agree in that. + 

Crabtree + 

Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Then, upon my word, for a person in that situation, he is the most imprudent man alive; for here he comes, walking as if nothing at all was the matter. + 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. + 

Odds heart, Sir Peter! you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had just given you over! + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Aside to Crabtree. Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden recovery! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Why, man! what do you out of bed with a small-sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax? + 

Sir Peter + 

A small-sword and a bullet! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Ay; these gentlemen would have killed you without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice. + 

Sir Peter + 

Why, what is all this? + 

Sir Benjamin + 

We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for your other misfortune. + 

Sir Peter + 

So, so; all over the town already! Aside. + 

Crabtree + 

Though, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at your years. + 

Sir Peter + 

Sir, what business is that of yours? + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a husband, he’s very much to be pitied. + 

Sir Peter + 

Plague on your pity, ma’am! I desire none of it. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

However, Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion. + 

Sir Peter + 

Sir, sir! I desire to be master in my own house. + 

Crabtree + 

’T is no uncommon case, that’s one comfort. + 

Sir Peter + 

I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony⁠—I insist on your leaving my house directly! + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Well, well, we are going; and depend on’t, we’ll make the best report of it we can. + 

Exit. + 

Sir Peter + 

Leave my house! + 

Crabtree + 

And tell how hardly you’ve been treated. + 

Exit. + 

Sir Peter + 

Leave my house! + 

Sir Benjamin + 

And how patiently you bear it. + 

Exit. + 

Sir Peter + 

Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! that their own venom would choke them! + 

Sir Oliver + 

They are very provoking, indeed, Sir Peter. + 

Enter Rowley. + 

Rowley + 

I heard high words: what has ruffled you, sir? + 

Sir Peter + 

Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations? + 

Rowley + 

Well, I’m not inquisitive. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Well, Sir Peter, I have seen both my nephews in the manner we proposed. + 

Sir Peter + 

A precious couple they are! + 

Rowley + 

Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, Sir Peter. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all. + 

Rowley + 

Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment. + 

Sir Oliver + 

And acts up to the sentiments he professes. + 

Rowley + 

It certainly is edification to hear him talk. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, he’s a model for the young men of the age.⁠—⁠But how’s this, Sir Peter? you don’t join us in your friend Joseph’s praise, as I expected. + 

Sir Peter + 

Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better. + 

Rowley + 

What! do you say so, Sir Peter, who were never mistaken in your life? + 

Sir Peter + 

Pshaw! plague on you both! I see by your sneering you have heard the whole affair. I shall go mad among you! + 

Rowley + 

Then, to fret you no longer, Sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface’s so humble, that she deigned to request me to be her advocate with you. + 

Sir Peter + 

And does Sir Oliver know all this? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Every circumstance. + 

Sir Peter + 

What of the closet and the screen, hey? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Yes, yes, and the little French milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha! + 

Sir Peter + 

’T was very pleasant. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I never laughed more in my life, I assure you; ah! ah! ah! + 

Sir Peter + 

Oh, vastly diverting! ha! ha! ha! + 

Rowley + 

To be sure, Joseph with his sentiments! ha! ha! ha! + 

Sir Peter + 

Yes, yes, his sentiments! ha! ha! ha! Hypocritical villain! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Ay, and that rogue Charles to pull Sir Peter out of the closet! ha! ha! ha! + 

Sir Peter + 

Ha! ha! ’twas devilish entertaining, to be sure! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Ha! ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter, I should like to have seen your face when the screen was thrown down! ha! ha! + 

Sir Peter + 

Yes, yes, my face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! Oh, I must never show my head again! + 

Sir Oliver + 

But come, come, it isn’t fair to laugh at you neither, my old friend; though, upon my soul, I can’t help it. + 

Sir Peter + 

Oh, pray don’t restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all! I laugh at the whole affair myself. Yes, yes, I think being a standing jest for all one’s acquaintance a very happy situation. Oh, yes, and then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr.⁠⸺, Lady T⁠⸺, and Sir P⁠⸺, will be so entertaining! + 

Rowley + 

Without affectation, Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of fools. But I see Lady Teazle going towards the next room; I am sure you must desire a reconciliation as earnestly as she does. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Perhaps my being here prevents her coming to you. Well, I’ll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface’s, where I am now returning, if not to reclaim a libertine, at least to expose hypocrisy. + 

Sir Peter + 

Ah, I’ll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though ’tis a vile unlucky place for discoveries. + 

Rowley + 

We’ll follow. + 

Exit Sir Oliver Surface. + 

Sir Peter + 

She is not coming here, you see, Rowley. + 

Rowley + 

No, but she has left the door of that room open, you perceive. See, she is in tears. + 

Sir Peter + 

Certainly, a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife. Don’t you think it will do her good to let her pine a little? + 

Rowley + 

Oh, this is ungenerous in you! + 

Sir Peter + 

Well, I know not what to think. You remember the letter I found of hers evidently intended for Charles? + 

Rowley + 

A mere forgery, Sir Peter! laid in your way on purpose. This is one of the points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction of. + 

Sir Peter + 

I wish I were once satisfied of that. She looks this way. What a remarkably elegant turn of the head she has. Rowley, I’ll go to her. + 

Rowley + 

Certainly. + 

Sir Peter + 

Though, when it is known that we are reconciled, people will laugh at me ten times more. + 

Rowley + 

Let them laugh, and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it. + 

Sir Peter + 

I’ faith, so I will! and, if I’m not mistaken, we may yet be the happiest couple in the country. + 

Rowley + 

Nay, Sir Peter, he who once lays aside suspicion⁠— + 

Sir Peter + 

Hold, Master Rowley! If you have any regard for me, never let me hear you utter anything like a sentiment: I have had enough of them to serve me the rest of my life. + 

Exeunt. + 

Scene + 

III + 

The library in Joseph Surface’s house. + 

Enter Joseph Surface and Lady Sneerwell. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Impossible! Will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to Charles, and of course no longer oppose his union with Maria? The thought is distraction to me. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Can passion furnish a remedy? + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

No, nor cunning either. Oh, I was a fool, an idiot, to league with such a blunderer! + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I am the greatest sufferer; yet you see I bear the accident with calmness. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Because the disappointment doesn’t reach your heart; your interest only attached you to Maria. Had you felt for her what I have for that ungrateful libertine, neither your temper nor hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your vexation. + 

Joseph Surface + 

But why should your reproaches fall on me for this disappointment? + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Are you not the cause of it? Had you not a sufficient field for your roguery in imposing upon Sir Peter, and supplanting your brother, but you must endeavour to seduce his wife? I hate such an avarice of crimes; ’tis an unfair monopoly, and never prospers. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Well, I admit I have been to blame. I confess I deviated from the direct road of wrong, but I don’t think we’re so totally defeated neither. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

No! + 

Joseph Surface + 

You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met, and that you still believe him faithful to us? + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

I do believe so. + 

Joseph Surface + 

And that he has undertaken, should it be necessary, to swear and prove that Charles is at this time contracted by vows and honour to your ladyship, which some of his former letters to you will serve to support? + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

This, indeed, might have assisted. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Come, come; it is not too late yet.⁠—Knocking at the door. But hark! this is probably my uncle, Sir Oliver: retire to that room; we’ll consult farther when he is gone. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Well, but if he should find you out, too? + 

Joseph Surface + 

Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit’s sake⁠—and you may depend on it I shall soon discover Sir Oliver’s weak side! + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

I have no diffidence of your abilities: only be constant to one roguery at a time. + 

Joseph Surface + 

I will, I will!⁠— + 

Exit Lady Sneerwell. + 

So! ’tis confounded hard, after such bad fortune, to be baited by one’s confederate in evil. Well, at all events, my character is so much better than Charles’s, that I certainly⁠—hey!⁠—what⁠—this is not Sir Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague on’t that he should return to tease me just now! I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here⁠— + 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface. + 

Gad’s life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come back to plague me at this time? You must not stay now, upon my word. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Sir, I hear your uncle Oliver is expected here, and though he has been so penurious to you, I’ll try what he’ll do for me. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, ’tis impossible for you to stay now, so I must beg⁠—come any other time, and I promise you you shall be assisted. + 

Sir Oliver + 

No: Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Zounds, sir! then I insist on your quitting the room directly. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Nay, sir⁠— + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, I insist on’t!⁠—Here, William! show this gentleman out. Since you compel me, sir, not one moment⁠—this is such insolence. Going to push him out. + 

Enter Charles Surface. + 

Charles Surface + 

Heyday! what’s the matter now? What the devil, have you got hold of my little broker here? Zounds, brother, don’t hurt little Premium. What’s the matter, my little fellow? + 

Joseph Surface + 

So! he has been with you too, has he? + 

Charles Surface + 

To be sure, he has. Why, he’s as honest a little⁠—But sure, Joseph, you have not been borrowing money too, have you? + 

Joseph Surface + 

Borrowing! no! But, brother, you know we expect Sir Oliver here every⁠— + 

Charles Surface + 

O Gad, that’s true! Noll mustn’t find the little broker here, to be sure. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Yet Mr. Stanley insists⁠— + 

Charles Surface + 

Stanley! why his name’s Premium. + 

Joseph Surface + 

No, sir, Stanley. + 

Charles Surface + 

No, no, Premium. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Well, no matter which⁠—but⁠— + 

Charles Surface + 

Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, ’tis the same thing, as you say; for I suppose he goes by half a hundred names, besides A. B. at the coffeehouse. Knocking. + 

Joseph Surface + 

’Sdeath! here’s Sir Oliver at the door.⁠—⁠Now I beg, Mr. Stanley⁠— + 

Charles Surface + 

Ay, ay, and I beg Mr. Premium⁠— + 

Sir Oliver + 

Gentlemen⁠— + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, by Heaven you shall go! + 

Charles Surface + 

Ay, out with him, certainly! + 

Sir Oliver + 

This violence⁠— + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, ’tis your own fault. + 

Charles Surface + 

Out with him, to be sure. Both forcing Sir Oliver out. + 

Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle, Maria, and Rowley. + 

Sir Peter + 

My old friend, Sir Oliver⁠—hey! What in the name of wonder⁠—here are dutiful nephews⁠—assault their uncle at a first visit! + 

Lady Teazle + 

Indeed, Sir Oliver, ’twas well we came in to rescue you. + 

Rowley + 

Truly it was; for I perceive, Sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley was no protection to you. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Nor of Premium either: the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent gentleman; and with the other I stood a chance of faring worse than my ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Charles! + 

Charles Surface + 

Joseph! + 

Joseph Surface + 

’T is now complete! + 

Charles Surface + 

Very. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Sir Peter, my friend, and Rowley too⁠—look on that elder nephew of mine. You know what he has already received from my bounty; and you also know how gladly I would have regarded half my fortune as held in trust for him: judge then my disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of truth, charity, and gratitude! + 

Sir Peter + 

Sir Oliver, I should be more surprised at this declaration, if I had not myself found him to be mean, treacherous, and hypocritical. + 

Lady Teazle + 

And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to these, pray let him call me to his character. + 

Sir Peter + 

Then, I believe, we need add no more: if he knows himself, he will consider it as the most perfect punishment that he is known to the world. + 

Charles Surface + 

If they talk this way to Honesty, what will they say to me, by and by? Aside. + 

Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, and Maria retire. + 

Sir Oliver + 

As for that prodigal, his brother there⁠— + 

Charles Surface + 

Ay, now comes my turn: the damned family pictures will ruin me! Aside. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir Oliver⁠—uncle, will you honour me with a hearing? + 

Charles Surface + 

Now, if Joseph would make one of his long speeches, I might recollect myself a little. Aside. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I suppose you would undertake to justify yourself entirely? To Joseph Surface. + 

Joseph Surface + 

I trust I could. + 

Sir Oliver + 

To Charles Surface. Well, sir!⁠—and you could justify yourself too, I suppose? + 

Charles Surface + 

Not that I know of, Sir Oliver. + 

Sir Oliver + 

What! Little Premium has been let too much into the secret, I suppose? + 

Charles Surface + 

True, sir; but they were family secrets, and should not be mentioned again, you know. + 

Rowley + 

Come, Sir Oliver, I know you cannot speak of Charles’s follies with anger. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Odds heart, no more I can; nor with gravity either.⁠—⁠Sir Peter, do you know the rogue bargained with me for all his ancestors; sold me judges and generals by the foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as broken china. + 

Charles Surface + 

To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the family canvas, that’s the truth on’t. My ancestors may rise in judgment against me, there’s no denying it; but believe me sincere when I tell you⁠—and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not⁠—that if I do not appear mortified at the exposure of my follies, it is because I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal benefactor. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Charles, I believe you. Give me your hand again: the ill-looking little fellow over the settee has made your peace. + 

Charles Surface + 

Then, sir, my gratitude to the original is still increased. + 

Lady Teazle + 

Advancing. Yet, I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to. Pointing to Maria. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, I have heard of his attachment there; and, with the young lady’s pardon, if I construe right⁠—that blush + 

Sir Peter + 

Well, child, speak your sentiments! + 

Maria + 

Sir, I have little to say, but that I shall rejoice to hear that he is happy; for me⁠—whatever claim I had to his affection, I willingly resign to one who has a better title. + 

Charles Surface + 

How, Maria! + 

Sir Peter + 

Heyday! what’s the mystery now?⁠—While he appeared an incorrigible rake, you would give your hand to no one else; and now that he is likely to reform I’ll warrant you won’t have him! + 

Maria + 

His own heart and Lady Sneerwell know the cause. + 

Charles Surface + 

Lady Sneerwell! + 

Joseph Surface + 

Brother, it is with great concern I am obliged to speak on this point, but my regard to justice compels me, and Lady Sneerwell’s injuries can no longer be concealed. Opens the door. + 

Enter Lady Sneerwell. + 

Sir Peter + 

So! another French milliner! Egad, he has one in every room in the house, I suppose! + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised, and feel for the indelicate situation your perfidy has forced me into. + 

Charles Surface + 

Pray, uncle, is this another plot of yours? For, as I have life, I don’t understand it. + 

Joseph Surface + 

I believe, sir, there is but the evidence of one person more necessary to make it extremely clear. + 

Sir Peter + 

And that person, I imagine, is Mr. Snake.⁠—⁠Rowley, you were perfectly right to bring him with us, and pray let him appear. + 

Rowley + 

Walk in, Mr. Snake. + 

Enter Snake. + 

I thought his testimony might be wanted: however, it happens unluckily, that he comes to confront Lady Sneerwell, not to support her. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

A villain! Treacherous to me at last! Speak, fellow, have you, too, conspired against me? + 

Snake + 

I beg your ladyship ten thousand pardons: you paid me extremely liberally for the lie in question; but I unfortunately have been offered double to speak the truth. + 

Sir Peter + 

Plot and counterplot, egad! I wish your ladyship joy of your negotiation. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

The torments of shame and disappointment on you all! Going. + 

Lady Teazle + 

Hold, Lady Sneerwell⁠—before you go, let me thank you for the trouble you and that gentleman have taken, in writing letters from me to Charles, and answering them yourself; and let me also request you to make my respects to the scandalous college of which you are president, and inform them that Lady Teazle, licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma they granted her, as she leaves off practice, and kills characters no longer. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

You, too, madam!⁠—provoking⁠—insolent! May your husband live these fifty years! + 

Exit. + 

Sir Peter + 

Oons! what a fury! + 

Lady Teazle + 

A malicious creature, indeed! + 

Sir Peter + 

Hey! not for her last wish? + 

Lady Teazle + 

Oh, no! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Well, sir, and what have you to say now? + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner, to impose on us all, that I know not what to say: however, lest her revengeful spirit should prompt her to injure my brother, I had certainly better follow her directly. For the man who attempts to⁠— + 

Exit. + 

Sir Peter + 

Moral to the last drop! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Ay, and marry her, Joseph, if you can. Oil and Vinegar!⁠—egad, you’ll do very well together. + 

Rowley + 

I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at present. + 

Snake + 

Before I go, I beg pardon once for all, for whatever uneasiness I have been the humble instrument of causing to the parties present. + 

Sir Peter + 

Well, well, you have made atonement by a good deed at last. + 

Snake + 

But I must request of the company, that it shall never be known. + 

Sir Peter + 

Hey!⁠—what the plague!⁠—are you ashamed of having done a right thing once in your life? + 

Snake + 

Ah, sir, consider⁠—I live by the badness of my character; I have nothing but my infamy to depend on! and, if it were once known that I had been I betrayed into an honest action, I should lose every friend I have in the world. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Well, well⁠—we’ll not traduce you by saying anything in your praise, never fear. + 

Exit Snake. + 

Sir Peter + 

There’s a precious rogue! + 

Lady Teazle + 

See, Sir Oliver, there needs no persuasion now to reconcile your nephew and Maria. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Ay, ay, that’s as it should be, and, egad, we’ll have the wedding tomorrow morning. + 

Charles Surface + 

Thank you, dear uncle. + 

Sir Peter + 

What, you rogue! don’t you ask the girl’s consent first? + 

Charles Surface + 

Oh, I have done that a long time⁠—a minute ago⁠—and she has looked yes. + 

Maria + 

For shame, Charles!⁠—I protest, Sir Peter, there has not been a word⁠— + 

Sir Oliver + 

Well, then, the fewer the better; may your love for each other never know abatement. + 

Sir Peter + 

And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and I intend to do! + 

Charles Surface + 

Rowley, my old friend, I am sure you congratulate me; and I suspect that I owe you much. + 

Sir Oliver + 

You do, indeed, Charles. + 

Rowley + 

If my efforts to serve you had not succeeded, you would have been in my debt for the attempt; but deserve to be happy and you overpay me. + 

Sir Peter + 

Ay, honest Rowley always said you would reform. + 

Charles Surface + 

Why, as to reforming, Sir Peter, I’ll make no promises, and that I take to be a proof I intend to set about it. But here shall be my monitor⁠—my gentle guide.⁠—⁠Ah! can I leave the virtuous path those eyes illumine? + 

Though thou, dear maid, shouldst waive thy beauty’s sway, + 

Thou still must rule, because I will obey: + 

An humble fugitive from Folly view, + 

No sanctuary near but Love and you: + 

To the audience. + 

You can, indeed, each anxious fear remove, + 

For even Scandal dies, if you approve. + 