Scene + 

I + 

The library in Joseph Surface’s house. + 

Enter Joseph Surface and Servant. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him? you must know he comes to ask something. + 

Servant + 

Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. Rowley came to the door with him. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Pshaw! blockhead! to suppose that I should now be in a temper to receive visits from poor relations!⁠—Well, why don’t you show the fellow up? + 

Servant + 

I will, sir.⁠—⁠Why, sir, it was not my fault that Sir Peter discovered my lady⁠— + 

Joseph Surface + 

Go, fool!⁠— + 

Exit Servant. + 

Sure Fortune never played a man of my policy such a trick before! My character with Sir Peter, my hopes with Maria, destroyed in a moment! I’m in a rare humour to listen to other people’s distresses! I shan’t be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley.⁠—⁠So! here he comes, and Rowley with him. I must try to recover myself, and put a little charity into my face, however. + 

Exit. + 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Rowley. + 

Sir Oliver + 

What! does he avoid us? That was he, was it not? + 

Rowley + 

It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little too abruptly. His nerves are so weak, that the sight of a poor relation may be too much for him. I should have gone first to break it to him. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, plague of his nerves! Yet this is he whom Sir Peter extols as a man of the most benevolent way of thinking! + 

Rowley + 

As to his way of thinking, I cannot pretend to decide; for, to do him justice, he appears to have as much speculative benevolence as any private gentleman in the kingdom, though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Yet he has a string of charitable sentiments at his fingers’ ends. + 

Rowley + 

Or, rather, at his tongue’s end, Sir Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he has such faith in as that Charity begins at home. + 

Sir Oliver + 

And his, I presume, is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all. + 

Rowley + 

I doubt you’ll find it so;⁠—but he’s coming. I mustn’t seem to interrupt you; and you know, immediately as you leave him, I come in to announce your arrival in your real character. + 

Sir Oliver + 

True; and afterwards you’ll meet me at Sir Peter’s. + 

Rowley + 

Without losing a moment. + 

Exit. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I don’t like the complaisance of his features. + 

Reenter Joseph Surface. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons for keeping you a moment waiting⁠—Mr. Stanley, I presume. + 

Sir Oliver + 

At your service. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit down⁠—I entreat you, sir⁠— + 

Sir Oliver + 

Dear sir⁠—there’s no occasion. Aside. Too civil by half! + 

Joseph Surface + 

I have not the pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley; but I am extremely happy to see you look so well. You were nearly related to my mother, I think, Mr. Stanley. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I was, sir; so nearly that my present poverty, I fear, may do discredit to her wealthy children, else I should not have presumed to trouble you. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Dear sir, there needs no apology;⁠—he that is in distress, though a stranger, has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy. I am sure I wish I was one of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief. + 

Sir Oliver + 

If your uncle, Sir Oliver, were here, I should have a friend. + 

Joseph Surface + 

I wish he was, sir, with all my heart: you should not want an advocate with him, believe me, sir. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I should not need one⁠—my distresses would recommend me. But I imagined his bounty would enable you to become the agent of his charity. + 

Joseph Surface + 

My dear sir, you were strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is a worthy man, a very worthy man; but avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. I will tell you, my good sir, in confidence, what he has done for me has been a mere nothing; though people, I know, have thought otherwise, and, for my part, I never chose to contradict the report. + 

Sir Oliver + 

What! has he never transmitted you bullion⁠—rupees⁠—pagodas? + 

Joseph Surface + 

Oh, dear sir, nothing of the kind! No, no; a few presents now and then⁠—china, shawls, congou tea, avadavats, and Indian crackers⁠—little more, believe me. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Here’s gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!⁠—Avadavats and Indian crackers! Aside. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Then, my dear sir, you have heard, I doubt not, of the extravagance of my brother: there are very few would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Not I, for one! Aside. + 

Joseph Surface + 

The sums I have lent him!⁠—Indeed I have been exceedingly to blame; it was an amiable weakness; however, I don’t pretend to defend it⁠—and now I feel it doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Aside. Dissembler!⁠—Aloud. Then, sir, you can’t assist me? + 

Joseph Surface + 

At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but, whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I am extremely sorry⁠— + 

Joseph Surface + 

Not more than I, believe me; to pity without the power to relieve, is still more painful than to ask and be denied. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Kind sir, your most obedient humble servant. + 

Joseph Surface + 

You leave me deeply affected, Mr. Stanley.⁠—⁠William, be ready to open the door. Calls to Servant. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, dear sir, no ceremony. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Your very obedient. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Sir, your most obsequious. + 

Joseph Surface + 

You may depend upon hearing from me, whenever I can be of service. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Sweet sir, you are too good! + 

Joseph Surface + 

In the meantime I wish you health and spirits. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Sir, yours as sincerely. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Aside. Charles, you are my heir! + 

Exit. + 

Joseph Surface + 

This is one bad effect of a good character; it invites application from the unfortunate, and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of benevolence without incurring the expense. The silver ore of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man’s good qualities; whereas the sentimental French plate I use instead of it makes just as good a show, and pays no tax. + 

Reenter Rowley. + 

Rowley + 

Mr. Surface, your servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, though my business demands immediate attention, as this note will inform you. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Always happy to see Mr. Rowley⁠—a rascal.⁠—⁠Aside. Reads the letter. Sir Oliver Surface!⁠—My uncle arrived! + 

Rowley + 

He is, indeed: we have just parted⁠—quite well, after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew. + 

Joseph Surface + 

I am astonished!⁠—William! stop Mr. Stanley, if he’s not gone. Calls to Servant. + 

Rowley + 

Oh! he’s out of reach, I believe. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Why did you not let me know this when you came in together? + 

Rowley + 

I thought you had particular business. But I must be gone to inform your brother, and appoint him here to meet your uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of an hour. + 

Joseph Surface + 

So he says. Well, I am strangely overjoyed at his coming.⁠—⁠Aside. Never, to be sure, was anything so damned unlucky! + 

Rowley + 

You will be delighted to see how well he looks. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Ah! I’m rejoiced to hear it.⁠—⁠Aside. Just at this time! + 

Rowley + 

I’ll tell him how impatiently you expect him. + 

Joseph Surface + 

Do, do; pray give my best duty and affection. Indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him. + 

Exit Rowley. + 

Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruellest piece of ill-fortune. + 

Exit. + 