Scene + 

II + 

A room in Sir Peter Teazle’s house. + 

Enter Mrs. Candour and Maid. + 

Maid + 

Indeed, ma’am, my lady will see nobody at present. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Did you tell her it was her friend, Mrs. Candour? + 

Maid + 

Yes, ma’am; but she begs you will excuse her. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Do go again: I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I’m sure she must be in great distress.⁠— + 

Exit Maid. + 

Dear heart, how provoking! I’m not mistress of half the circumstances! We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers, with the names of the parties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses. + 

Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite. + 

Oh, dear Sir Benjamin! you have heard, I suppose⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface⁠— + 

Mrs. Candour + 

And Sir Peter’s discovery⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Oh, the strangest piece of business, to be sure! + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Well, I never was so surprised in my life. I am so sorry for all parties, indeed. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Now, I don’t pity Sir Peter at all: he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Mr. Surface! Why, ’twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

No, no, I tell you: Mr. Surface is the gallant. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

No such thing! Charles is the man. ’T was Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

I tell you I had it from one⁠— + 

Mrs. Candour + 

And I have it from one⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Who had it from one, who had it⁠— + 

Mrs. Candour + 

From one immediately⁠—But here comes Lady Sneerwell; perhaps she knows the whole affair. + 

Enter Lady Sneerwell. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here’s a sad affair of our friend Lady Teazle! + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought⁠— + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she was always too lively for me. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

To be sure, her manners were a little too free; but then she was so young! + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

And had, indeed, some good qualities. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars? + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

No; but everybody says that Mr. Surface⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Ay, there; I told you Mr. Surface was the man. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour! + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Yes, yes; he was the lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, was only the informer. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Well, I’ll not dispute with you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter’s wound, will not⁠— + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Sir Peter’s wound! Oh, mercy! I didn’t hear a word of their fighting. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Nor I, a syllable. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

No! what, no mention of the duel? + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Not a word. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Oh, yes: they fought before they left the room. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Pray let us hear. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, do oblige us with the duel. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Sir, says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, you are a most ungrateful fellow. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, to Charles⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

No, no⁠—to Mr. Surface⁠—a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir, says he, I insist on immediate satisfaction. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, that must have been to Charles; for ’tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Gad’s life, ma’am, not at all⁠—giving me immediate satisfaction.⁠—On this, ma’am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out of the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out for hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight with swords⁠— + 

Enter Crabtree. + 

Crabtree + 

With pistols, nephew⁠—pistols! I have it from undoubted authority. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Oh, Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true! + 

Crabtree + 

Too true, indeed, madam, and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

By a thrust in segoon quite through his left side⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

By a bullet lodged in the thorax. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Mercy on me! Poor Sir Peter! + 

Crabtree + 

Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he could. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

I told you who it was; I knew Charles was the person. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter. + 

Crabtree + 

But Sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingratitude⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

That I told you, you know⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

Do, nephew, let me speak!⁠—and insisted on immediate⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Just as I said⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too! A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, had come home the night before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

I heard nothing of this. + 

Crabtree + 

Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles’s shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter’s missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakespeare that stood over the fireplace, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

My uncle’s account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I believe mine is the true one, for all that. + 

Lady Sneerwell + 

Aside. I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information. + 

Exit Lady Sneerwell. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Ah! Lady Sneerwell’s alarm is very easily accounted for. + 

Crabtree + 

Yes, yes, they certainly do say⁠—but that’s neither here nor there. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present? + 

Crabtree + 

Oh, they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny him. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

I believe so, and Lady Teazle, I suppose, attending him. + 

Crabtree + 

Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Hey! who comes here? + 

Crabtree + 

Oh, this is he: the physician, depend on’t. + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Oh, certainly! it must be the physician; and now we shall know. + 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface. + 

Crabtree + 

Well, doctor, what hopes? + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Ay, doctor, how’s your patient? + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Now, doctor, isn’t it a wound with a small-sword? + 

Crabtree + 

A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Doctor! a wound with a small-sword! and a bullet in the thorax!⁠—Oons! are you mad, good people? + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Truly, I am to thank you for my degree, if I am. + 

Crabtree + 

Only a friend of Sir Peter’s, then, I presume. But, sir, you must have heard of his accident? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Not a word! + 

Crabtree + 

Not of his being dangerously wounded? + 

Sir Oliver + 

The devil he is! + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Run through the body⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

Shot in the breast⁠— + 

Sir Benjamin + 

By one Mr. Surface⁠— + 

Crabtree + 

Ay, the younger. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts: however, you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Oh, yes, we agree in that. + 

Crabtree + 

Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Then, upon my word, for a person in that situation, he is the most imprudent man alive; for here he comes, walking as if nothing at all was the matter. + 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. + 

Odds heart, Sir Peter! you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had just given you over! + 

Sir Benjamin + 

Aside to Crabtree. Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden recovery! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Why, man! what do you out of bed with a small-sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax? + 

Sir Peter + 

A small-sword and a bullet! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Ay; these gentlemen would have killed you without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice. + 

Sir Peter + 

Why, what is all this? + 

Sir Benjamin + 

We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for your other misfortune. + 

Sir Peter + 

So, so; all over the town already! Aside. + 

Crabtree + 

Though, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at your years. + 

Sir Peter + 

Sir, what business is that of yours? + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a husband, he’s very much to be pitied. + 

Sir Peter + 

Plague on your pity, ma’am! I desire none of it. + 

Sir Benjamin + 

However, Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion. + 

Sir Peter + 

Sir, sir! I desire to be master in my own house. + 

Crabtree + 

’T is no uncommon case, that’s one comfort. + 

Sir Peter + 

I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony⁠—I insist on your leaving my house directly! + 

Mrs. Candour + 

Well, well, we are going; and depend on’t, we’ll make the best report of it we can. + 

Exit. + 

Sir Peter + 

Leave my house! + 

Crabtree + 

And tell how hardly you’ve been treated. + 

Exit. + 

Sir Peter + 

Leave my house! + 

Sir Benjamin + 

And how patiently you bear it. + 

Exit. + 

Sir Peter + 

Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! that their own venom would choke them! + 

Sir Oliver + 

They are very provoking, indeed, Sir Peter. + 

Enter Rowley. + 

Rowley + 

I heard high words: what has ruffled you, sir? + 

Sir Peter + 

Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations? + 

Rowley + 

Well, I’m not inquisitive. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Well, Sir Peter, I have seen both my nephews in the manner we proposed. + 

Sir Peter + 

A precious couple they are! + 

Rowley + 

Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, Sir Peter. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all. + 

Rowley + 

Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment. + 

Sir Oliver + 

And acts up to the sentiments he professes. + 

Rowley + 

It certainly is edification to hear him talk. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, he’s a model for the young men of the age.⁠—⁠But how’s this, Sir Peter? you don’t join us in your friend Joseph’s praise, as I expected. + 

Sir Peter + 

Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better. + 

Rowley + 

What! do you say so, Sir Peter, who were never mistaken in your life? + 

Sir Peter + 

Pshaw! plague on you both! I see by your sneering you have heard the whole affair. I shall go mad among you! + 

Rowley + 

Then, to fret you no longer, Sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface’s so humble, that she deigned to request me to be her advocate with you. + 

Sir Peter + 

And does Sir Oliver know all this? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Every circumstance. + 

Sir Peter + 

What of the closet and the screen, hey? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Yes, yes, and the little French milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha! + 

Sir Peter + 

’T was very pleasant. + 

Sir Oliver + 

I never laughed more in my life, I assure you; ah! ah! ah! + 

Sir Peter + 

Oh, vastly diverting! ha! ha! ha! + 

Rowley + 

To be sure, Joseph with his sentiments! ha! ha! ha! + 

Sir Peter + 

Yes, yes, his sentiments! ha! ha! ha! Hypocritical villain! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Ay, and that rogue Charles to pull Sir Peter out of the closet! ha! ha! ha! + 

Sir Peter + 

Ha! ha! ’twas devilish entertaining, to be sure! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Ha! ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter, I should like to have seen your face when the screen was thrown down! ha! ha! + 

Sir Peter + 

Yes, yes, my face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! Oh, I must never show my head again! + 

Sir Oliver + 

But come, come, it isn’t fair to laugh at you neither, my old friend; though, upon my soul, I can’t help it. + 

Sir Peter + 

Oh, pray don’t restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all! I laugh at the whole affair myself. Yes, yes, I think being a standing jest for all one’s acquaintance a very happy situation. Oh, yes, and then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr.⁠⸺, Lady T⁠⸺, and Sir P⁠⸺, will be so entertaining! + 

Rowley + 

Without affectation, Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of fools. But I see Lady Teazle going towards the next room; I am sure you must desire a reconciliation as earnestly as she does. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Perhaps my being here prevents her coming to you. Well, I’ll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface’s, where I am now returning, if not to reclaim a libertine, at least to expose hypocrisy. + 

Sir Peter + 

Ah, I’ll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though ’tis a vile unlucky place for discoveries. + 

Rowley + 

We’ll follow. + 

Exit Sir Oliver Surface. + 

Sir Peter + 

She is not coming here, you see, Rowley. + 

Rowley + 

No, but she has left the door of that room open, you perceive. See, she is in tears. + 

Sir Peter + 

Certainly, a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife. Don’t you think it will do her good to let her pine a little? + 

Rowley + 

Oh, this is ungenerous in you! + 

Sir Peter + 

Well, I know not what to think. You remember the letter I found of hers evidently intended for Charles? + 

Rowley + 

A mere forgery, Sir Peter! laid in your way on purpose. This is one of the points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction of. + 

Sir Peter + 

I wish I were once satisfied of that. She looks this way. What a remarkably elegant turn of the head she has. Rowley, I’ll go to her. + 

Rowley + 

Certainly. + 

Sir Peter + 

Though, when it is known that we are reconciled, people will laugh at me ten times more. + 

Rowley + 

Let them laugh, and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it. + 

Sir Peter + 

I’ faith, so I will! and, if I’m not mistaken, we may yet be the happiest couple in the country. + 

Rowley + 

Nay, Sir Peter, he who once lays aside suspicion⁠— + 

Sir Peter + 

Hold, Master Rowley! If you have any regard for me, never let me hear you utter anything like a sentiment: I have had enough of them to serve me the rest of my life. + 

Exeunt. + 