Scene + 

III + 

Another room in the same. + 

Charles Surface, Sir Harry Bumper, Careless, and Gentlemen, discovered drinking. + 

Charles Surface + 

’Fore heaven, ’tis true!⁠—there’s the great degeneracy of the age. Many of our acquaintance have taste, spirit, and politeness; but, plague on’t, they won’t drink. + 

Careless + 

It is so, indeed, Charles! they give in to all the substantial luxuries of the table, and abstain from nothing but wine and wit. Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably! for now, instead of the social spirit of raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy, their conversation is become just like the Spa-water they drink, which has all the pertness and flatulency of champagne, without its spirit or flavour. + 

1st Gentleman + 

But what are they to do who love play better than wine? + 

Careless + 

True! there’s Sir Harry diets himself for gaining, and is now under a hazard regimen. + 

Charles Surface + 

Then he’ll have the worst of it. What! you wouldn’t train a horse for the course by keeping him from corn? For my part, egad, I am never so successful as when I am a little merry: let me throw on a bottle of champagne, and I never lose. + 

All + 

Hey, what? + 

Charles Surface + 

At least I never feel my losses, which is exactly the same thing. + 

2nd Gentleman + 

Ay, that I believe. + 

Charles Surface + 

And then, what man can pretend to be a believer in love, who is an abjurer of wine? ’T is the test by which the lover knows his own heart. Fill a dozen bumpers to a dozen beauties, and she that floats at the top is the maid that has bewitched you. + 

Careless + 

Now then, Charles, be honest, and give us your real favourite. + 

Charles Surface + 

Why, I have withheld her only in compassion to you. If I toast her, you must give a round of her peers, which is impossible⁠—on earth. + 

Careless + 

Oh! then we’ll find some canonized vestals or heathen goddesses that will do, I warrant! + 

Charles Surface + 

Here then, bumpers, you rogues! bumpers! Maria! Maria!⁠— + 

Sir Harry + 

Maria who? + 

Charles Surface + 

Oh, damn the surname!⁠—’tis too formal to be registered in Love’s calendar⁠—Maria! + 

All + 

Maria! + 

Charles Surface + 

But now, Sir Harry, beware, we must have beauty superlative. + 

Careless + 

Nay, never study, Sir Harry: we’ll stand to the toast, though your mistress should want an eye, and you know you have a song will excuse you. + 

Sir Harry + 

Egad, so I have! and I’ll give him the song instead of the lady. + 

Here’s to the maiden of bashful fifteen; + 

Here’s to the widow of fifty; + 

Here’s to the flaunting extravagant quean, + 

And here’s to the housewife that’s thrifty. + 

Chorus. Let the toast pass⁠— + 

Drink to the lass, + 

I’ll warrant she’ll prove an excuse for the glass. + 

Here’s to the charmer whose dimples we prize; + 

Now to the maid who has none, sir: + 

Here’s to the girl with a pair of blue eyes, + 

And here’s to the nymph with but one, sir. + 

Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. + 

Here’s to the maid with a bosom of snow: + 

Now to her that’s as brown as a berry, + 

Here’s to the wife with a face full of woe, + 

And now to the damsel that’s merry. + 

Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. + 

For let ’em be clumsy, or let ’em be slim, + 

Young or ancient, I care not a feather; + 

So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim, + 

So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim, + 

And let us e’en toast them together. + 

Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. + 

All + 

Bravo! bravo! + 

Enter Trip, and whispers Charles Surface. + 

Charles Surface + 

Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little⁠—Careless, take the chair, will you? + 

Careless + 

Nay, prithee, Charles, what now? This is one of your peerless beauties, I suppose, has dropped in by chance? + 

Charles Surface + 

No, faith! To tell you the truth, ’tis a Jew and a broker, who are come by appointment. + 

Careless + 

Oh, damn it! let’s have the Jew in. + 

1st Gentleman + 

Ay, and the broker too, by all means. + 

2nd Gentleman + 

Yes, yes, the Jew and the broker. + 

Charles Surface + 

Egad, with all my heart!⁠—Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in. — + 

Exit Trip. + 

Though there’s one of them a stranger, I can tell you. + 

Careless + 

Charles, let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they’ll grow conscientious. + 

Charles Surface + 

Oh, hang ’em, no! wine does but draw forth a man’s natural qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their knavery. + 

Reenter Trip, with Sir Oliver Surface and Moses. + 

Charles Surface + 

So, honest Moses; walk in, pray, Mr. Premium⁠—that’s the gentleman’s name, isn’t it, Moses? + 

Moses + 

Yes, sir. + 

Charles Surface + 

Set chairs, Trip.⁠—Sit down, Mr. Premium.⁠—Glasses, Trip.⁠— + 

Gives chairs and glasses, and exit. + 

Sit down, Moses.⁠—Come, Mr. Premium, I’ll give you a sentiment; here’s Success to usury!⁠—Moses, fill the gentleman a bumper. + 

Moses + 

Success to usury! + 

Drinks. + 

Careless + 

Right, Moses⁠—usury is prudence and industry, and deserves to succeed. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Then⁠—here’s all the success it deserves! Drinks. + 

Careless + 

No, no, that won’t do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper. + 

1st Gentleman + 

A pint bumper, at least. + 

Moses + 

Oh, pray, sir, consider⁠—Mr. Premium’s a gentleman. + 

Careless + 

And therefore loves good wine. + 

2nd Gentleman + 

Give Moses a quart glass⁠—this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair. + 

Careless + 

Here, now for ’t! I’ll see justice done, to the last drop of my bottle. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Nay, pray, gentlemen⁠—I did not expect this usage. + 

Charles Surface + 

No, hang it, you shan’t; Mr. Premium’s a stranger. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. Aside. + 

Careless + 

Plague on ’em! if they won’t drink, we’ll not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.⁠—Charles, you’ll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen? + 

Charles Surface + 

I will! I will!⁠— + 

Exeunt Sir Harry Bumper and Gentlemen; Careless following. + 

Careless! + 

Careless + 

Returning. Well! + 

Charles Surface + 

Perhaps I may want you. + 

Careless + 

Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, ’tis all the same to me.⁠— + 

Exit. + 

Moses + 

Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is⁠— + 

Charles Surface + 

Pshaw! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression: he’ll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty percent sooner than not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without farther ceremony. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments. + 

Charles Surface + 

Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he’s an unconscionable dog. Isn’t he, Moses? + 

Moses + 

But you can’t help that. + 

Sir Oliver + 

And must sell stock to accommodate you.⁠—⁠Mustn’t he, Moses? + 

Moses + 

Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie! + 

Charles Surface + 

Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn’t to be bought without paying for ’t! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose? + 

Charles Surface + 

Not a molehill, nor a twig, but what’s in the bough-pots out of the window! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Nor any stock, I presume? + 

Charles Surface + 

Nothing but live stock⁠—and that’s only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connections? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Why, to say truth, I am. + 

Charles Surface + 

Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations? + 

Sir Oliver + 

That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell. + 

Charles Surface + 

Oh, no!⁠—there can be no doubt. They tell me I’m a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Indeed! this is the first I’ve heard of it. + 

Charles Surface + 

Yes, yes, ’tis just so.⁠—⁠Moses knows ’tis true; don’t you, Moses? + 

Moses + 

Oh, yes! I’ll swear to ’t. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Egad, they’ll persuade me presently I’m at Bengal. Aside. + 

Charles Surface + 

Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it’s agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver’s life; though at the same time the old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me⁠—for I might live to a hundred and never see the principal. + 

Charles Surface + 

Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your life. + 

Charles Surface + 

What! I suppose you’re afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life? + 

Sir Oliver + 

No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom. + 

Charles Surface + 

There, again, now you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I’m told⁠—and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations don’t know him. + 

Sir Oliver + 

No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest relations don’t know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad⁠—ha! ha! ha! + 

Charles Surface + 

Ha! ha!⁠—you’re glad to hear that, little Premium? + 

Sir Oliver + 

No, no, I’m not. + 

Charles Surface + 

Yes, yes, you are⁠—ha! ha! ha!⁠—you know that mends your chance. + 

Sir Oliver + 

But I’m told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is actually arrived. + 

Charles Surface + 

Pshaw! sure I must know better than you whether he’s come or not. No, no, rely on’t he’s at this moment at Calcutta.⁠—⁠Isn’t he, Moses? + 

Moses + 

Oh, yes, certainly. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authority.⁠—⁠Haven’t I, Moses? + 

Moses + 

Yes, most undoubtedly! + 

Sir Oliver + 

But, sir, as I understand, you want a few hundreds immediately⁠—is there nothing you could dispose of? + 

Charles Surface + 

How do you mean? + 

Sir Oliver + 

For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate. + 

Charles Surface + 

O Lud! that’s gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than I can. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Aside. Good lack! all the family race-cups and corporation-bowls! Aloud. Then it was also supposed that his library was one of the most valuable and compact⁠— + 

Charles Surface + 

Yes, yes, so it was⁠—vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Aside. Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family like an heirloom⁠—Aloud. Pray, what are become of the books? + 

Charles Surface + 

You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don’t believe even Moses can direct you. + 

Moses + 

I know nothing of books. + 

Sir Oliver + 

So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose? + 

Charles Surface + 

Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above; and if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have ’em a bargain! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn’t sell your forefathers, would you? + 

Charles Surface + 

Every man of them, to the best bidder. + 

Sir Oliver + 

What, your great-uncles and aunts? + 

Charles Surface + 

Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too. + 

Sir Oliver + 

Aside. Now I give him up!⁠—Aloud. What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd’s life! do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood? + 

Charles Surface + 

Nay, my little broker, don’t be angry: what need you care, if you have your money’s worth? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Well, I’ll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvas.⁠—⁠Aside. Oh, I’ll never forgive him this! never! + 

Reenter Careless. + 

Careless + 

Come, Charles, what keeps you? + 

Charles Surface + 

I can’t come yet. I’faith, we are going to have a sale above-stairs; here’s little Premium will buy all my ancestors! + 

Careless + 

Oh, burn your ancestors! + 

Charles Surface + 

No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer⁠—so come along with us. + 

Careless + 

Oh, have with you, if that’s the case. I can handle a hammer as well as a dice-box! Going! going! + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, the profligates! Aside. + 

Charles Surface + 

Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad’s life, little Premium, you don’t seem to like the business? + 

Sir Oliver + 

Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one’s family by auction⁠—ha! ha!⁠—Aside. Oh, the prodigal! + 

Charles Surface + 

To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can’t make free with his own relations? + 

Sir Oliver + 

I’ll never forgive him; never! never! + 

Exeunt. + 