Scene + 

I + 

A room in Pinchwife’s house. + 

Mrs. Margery Pinchwife and Alithea. Pinchwife peeping behind at the door. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Pray, sister, where are the best fields and woods to walk in, in London? + 

Alithea + 

Aside. A pretty question!⁠—Aloud. Why, sister, Mulberry-garden and St. James’s park; and, for close walks, the New Exchange. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Pray, sister, tell me why my husband looks so grum here in town, and keeps me up so close, and will not let me go a-walking, nor let me wear my best gown yesterday. + 

Alithea + 

O, he’s jealous, sister. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Jealous! what’s that? + 

Alithea + 

He’s afraid you should love another man. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

How should he be afraid of my loving another man, when he will not let me see any but himself? + 

Alithea + 

Did he not carry you yesterday to a play? + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Ay; but we sat amongst ugly people. He would not let me come near the gentry, who sat under us, so that I could not see ’em. He told me, none but naughty women sat there, whom they toused and moused. But I would have ventured, for all that. + 

Alithea + 

But how did you like the play? + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Indeed I was weary of the play; but I liked hugeously the actors. They are the goodliest, properest men, sister! + 

Alithea + 

O, but you must not like the actors, sister. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Ay, how should I help it, sister? Pray, sister, when my husband comes in, will you ask leave for me to go a-walking? + 

Alithea + 

A-walking! ha! ha! Lord, a country-gentlewoman’s pleasure is the drudgery of a footpost; and she requires as much airing as her husband’s horses.⁠—Aside. But here comes your husband: I’ll ask, though I’m sure he’ll not grant it. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

He says he won’t let me go abroad for fear of catching the pox. + 

Alithea + 

Fy! the smallpox you should say. + 

Enter Pinchwife. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

O my dear, dear bud, welcome home! Why dost thou look so fropish? who has nangered thee? + 

Pinchwife + 

You’re a fool. Mrs. Pinchwife goes aside, and cries. + 

Alithea + 

Faith, so she is, for crying for no fault, poor tender creature! + 

Pinchwife + 

What, you would have her as impudent as yourself, as arrant a jilflirt, a gadder, a magpie; and to say all, a mere notorious town-woman? + 

Alithea + 

Brother, you are my only censurer; and the honour of your family will sooner suffer in your wife there than in me, though I take the innocent liberty of the town. + 

Pinchwife + 

Hark you, mistress, do not talk so before my wife.⁠—The innocent liberty of the town! + 

Alithea + 

Why, pray, who boasts of any intrigue with me? what lampoon has made my name notorious? what ill women frequent my lodgings? I keep no company with any women of scandalous reputations. + 

Pinchwife + 

No, you keep the men of scandalous reputations company. + 

Alithea + 

Where? would you not have me civil? answer ’em in a box at the plays, in the drawing-room at Whitehall, in St. James’-park, Mulberry-garden, or⁠— + 

Pinchwife + 

Hold, hold! Do not teach my wife where the men are to be found: I believe she’s the worse for your town-documents already. I bid you keep her in ignorance, as I do. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Indeed, be not angry with her, bud, she will tell me nothing of the town, though I ask her a thousand times a day. + 

Pinchwife + 

Then you are very inquisitive to know, I find? + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Not I indeed, dear; I hate London. Our place-house in the country is worth a thousand of’t: would I were there again! + 

Pinchwife + 

So you shall, I warrant. But were you not talking of plays and players when I came in?⁠—To Alithea. You are her encourager in such discourses. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

No, indeed, dear; she chid me just now for liking the playermen. + 

Pinchwife + 

Aside. Nay, if she be so innocent as to own to me her liking them, there is no hurt in’t.⁠—Aloud. Come, my poor rogue, but thou likest none better than me? + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Yes, indeed, but I do. The playermen are finer folks. + 

Pinchwife + 

But you love none better than me? + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

You are my own dear bud, and I know you. I hate a stranger. + 

Pinchwife + 

Ay, my dear, you must love me only; and not be like the naughty town-women, who only hate their husbands, and love every man else; love plays, visits, fine coaches, fine clothes, fiddles, balls, treats, and so lead a wicked town-life. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Nay, if to enjoy all these things be a town-life, London is not so bad a place, dear. + 

Pinchwife + 

How! if you love me, you must hate London. + 

Alithea + 

The fool has forbid me discovering to her the pleasures of the town, and he is now setting her agog upon them himself. Aside. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

But, husband, do the town-women love the playermen too? + 

Pinchwife + 

Yes, I warrant you. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Ay, I warrant you. + 

Pinchwife + 

Why, you do not, I hope? + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

No, no, bud. But why have we no playermen in the country? + 

Pinchwife + 

Ha!⁠—Mrs. Minx, ask me no more to go to a play. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Nay, why, love? I did not care for going: but when you forbid me, you make me, as ’twere, desire it. + 

Alithea + 

So ’twill be in other things, I warrant. Aside. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Pray let me go to a play, dear. + 

Pinchwife + 

Hold your peace, I wo’ not. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Why, love? + 

Pinchwife + 

Why, I’ll tell you. + 

Alithea + 

Nay, if he tell her, she’ll give him more cause to forbid her that place. Aside. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Pray why, dear? + 

Pinchwife + 

First, you like the actors; and the gallants may like you. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

What, a homely country girl! No, bud, nobody will like me. + 

Pinchwife + 

I tell you yes, they may. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

No, no, you jest⁠—I won’t believe you: I will go. + 

Pinchwife + 

I tell you then, that one of the lewdest fellows in town, who saw you there, told me he was in love with you. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Indeed! who, who, pray who was’t? + 

Pinchwife + 

I’ve gone too far, and slipped before I was aware; how overjoyed she is! Aside. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Was it any Hampshire gallant, any of our neighbours? I promise you, I am beholden to him. + 

Pinchwife + 

I promise you, you lie; for he would but ruin you, as he has done hundreds. He has no other love for women but that; such as he look upon women, like basilisks, but to destroy ’em. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

Ay, but if he loves me, why should he ruin me? answer me to that. Methinks he should not, I would do him no harm. + 

Alithea + 

Ha! ha! ha! + 

Pinchwife + 

’Tis very well; but I’ll keep him from doing you any harm, or me either. But here comes company; get you in, get you in. + 

Mrs. Pinchwife + 

But, pray, husband, is he a pretty gentleman that loves me? + 

Pinchwife + 

In, baggage, in. Thrusts her in, and shuts the door. + 

Enter Sparkish and Harcourt. + 

What, all the lewd libertines of the town brought to my lodging by this easy coxcomb! ’sdeath, I’ll not suffer it. + 

Sparkish + 

Here, Harcourt, do you approve my choice?⁠—To Alithea. Dear little rogue, I told you I’d bring you acquainted with all my friends, the wits and⁠—Harcourt salutes her. + 

Pinchwife + 

Ay, they shall know her, as well as you yourself will, I warrant you. + 

Sparkish + 

This is one of those, my pretty rogue, that are to dance at your wedding tomorrow; and him you must bid welcome ever, to what you and I have. + 

Pinchwife + 

Monstrous! Aside. + 

Sparkish + 

Harcourt, how dost thou like her, faith? Nay, dear, do not look down; I should hate to have a wife of mine out of countenance at anything. + 

Pinchwife + 

Wonderful! Aside. + 

Sparkish + 

Tell me, I say, Harcourt, how dost thou like her? Thou hast stared upon her enough, to resolve me. + 

Harcourt + 

So infinitely well, that I could wish I had a mistress too, that might differ from her in nothing but her love and engagement to you. + 

Alithea + 

Sir, Master Sparkish has often told me that his acquaintance were all wits and raillieurs, and now I find it. + 

Sparkish + 

No, by the universe, madam, he does not rally now; you may believe him. I do assure you, he is the honestest, worthiest, truehearted gentlemen⁠—a man of such perfect honour, he would say nothing to a lady he does not mean. + 

Pinchwife + 

Praising another man to his mistress! Aside. + 

Harcourt + 

Sir, you are so beyond expectation obliging, that⁠— + 

Sparkish + 

Nay, egad, I am sure you do admire her extremely; I see’t in your eyes.⁠—He does admire you, madam.⁠—By the world, don’t you? + 

Harcourt + 

Yes, above the world, or the most glorious part of it, her whole sex: and till now I never thought I should have envied you, or any man about to marry, but you have the best excuse for marriage I ever knew. + 

Alithea + 

Nay, now, sir, I’m satisfied you are of the society of the wits and raillieurs, since you cannot spare your friend, even when he is but too civil to you; but the surest sign is, since you are an enemy to marriage⁠—for that I hear you hate as much as business or bad wine. + 

Harcourt + 

Truly, madam, I was never an enemy to marriage till now, because marriage was never an enemy to me before. + 

Alithea + 

But why, sir, is marriage an enemy to you now? because it robs you of your friend here? for you look upon a friend married, as one gone into a monastery, that is, dead to the world. + 

Harcourt + 

’Tis indeed, because you marry him; I see, madam, you can guess my meaning. I do confess heartily and openly, I wish it were in my power to break the match; by Heavens I would. + 

Sparkish + 

Poor Frank! + 

Alithea + 

Would you be so unkind to me? + 

Harcourt + 

No, no, ’tis not because I would be unkind to you. + 

Sparkish + 

Poor Frank! no gad, ’tis only his kindness to me. + 

Pinchwife + 

Great kindness to you indeed! Insensible fop, let a man make love to his wife to his face! Aside. + 

Sparkish + 

Come, dear Frank, for all my wife there, that shall be, thou shalt enjoy me sometimes, dear rogue. By my honour, we men of wit condole for our deceased brother in marriage, as much as for one dead in earnest: I think that was prettily said of me, ha, Harcourt?⁠—But come, Frank, be not melancholy for me. + 

Harcourt + 

No, I assure you, I am not melancholy for you. + 

Sparkish + 

Prithee, Frank, dost think my wife that shall be there, a fine person? + 

Harcourt + 

I could gaze upon her till I became as blind as you are. + 

Sparkish + 

How as I am? how? + 

Harcourt + 

Because you are a lover, and true lovers are blind, stock blind. + 

Sparkish + 

True, true; but by the world she has wit too, as well as beauty: go, go with her into a corner, and try if she has wit; talk to her anything, she’s bashful before me. + 

Harcourt + 

Indeed if a woman wants wit in a corner, she has it nowhere. + 

Alithea + 

Sir, you dispose of me a little before your time⁠—Aside to Sparkish. + 

Sparkish + 

Nay, nay, madam, let me have an earnest of your obedience, or⁠—go, go, madam⁠—Harcourt courts Alithea aside. + 

Pinchwife + 

How, sir! if you are not concerned for the honour of a wife, I am for that of a sister; he shall not debauch her. Be a pander to your own wife! bring men to her! let ’em make love before your face! thrust ’em into a corner together, then leave ’em in private! is this your town wit and conduct? + 

Sparkish + 

Ha! ha! ha! a silly wise rogue would make one laugh more than a stark fool, ha! ha! I shall burst. Nay, you shall not disturb ’em; I’ll vex thee, by the world. Struggles with Pinchwife to keep him from Harcourt and Alithea. + 

Alithea + 

The writings are drawn, sir, settlements made; ’tis too late, sir, and past all revocation. + 

Harcourt + 

Then so is my death. + 

Alithea + 

I would not be unjust to him. + 

Harcourt + 

Then why to me so? + 

Alithea + 

I have no obligation to you. + 

Harcourt + 

My love. + 

Alithea + 

I had his before. + 

Harcourt + 

You never had it; he wants, you see, jealousy, the only infallible sign of it. + 

Alithea + 

Love proceeds from esteem; he cannot distrust my virtue: besides, he loves me, or he would not marry me. + 

Harcourt + 

Marrying you is no more sign of his love than bribing your woman, that he may marry you, is a sign of his generosity. Marriage is rather a sign of interest than love; and he that marries a fortune covets a mistress, not loves her. But if you take marriage for a sign of love, take it from me immediately. + 

Alithea + 

No, now you have put a scruple in my head; but in short, sir, to end our dispute, I must marry him, my reputation would suffer in the world else. + 

Harcourt + 

No; if you do marry him, with your pardon, madam, your reputation suffers in the world, and you would be thought in necessity for a cloak. + 

Alithea + 

Nay, now you are rude, sir.⁠—Mr. Sparkish, pray come hither, your friend here is very troublesome, and very loving. + 

Harcourt + 

Hold! hold!⁠—Aside to Alithea. + 

Pinchwife + 

D’ye hear that? + 

Sparkish + 

Why, d’ye think I’ll seem to be jealous, like a country bumpkin? + 

Pinchwife + 

No, rather be a cuckold, like a credulous cit. + 

Harcourt + 

Madam, you would not have been so little generous as to have told him. + 

Alithea + 

Yes, since you could be so little generous as to wrong him. + 

Harcourt + 

Wrong him! no man can do’t, he’s beneath an injury: a bubble, a coward, a senseless idiot, a wretch so contemptible to all the world but you, that⁠— + 

Alithea + 

Hold, do not rail at him, for since he is like to be my husband, I am resolved to like him: nay, I think I am obliged to tell him you are not his friend.⁠—Master Sparkish, Master Sparkish! + 

Sparkish + 

What, what?⁠—To Harcourt. Now, dear rogue, has not she wit? + 

Harcourt + 

Not so much as I thought, and hoped she had. Speaks surlily. + 

Alithea + 

Mr. Sparkish, do you bring people to rail at you? + 

Harcourt + 

Madam⁠— + 

Sparkish + 

How! no; but if he does rail at me, ’tis but in jest, I warrant: what we wits do for one another, and never take any notice of it. + 

Alithea + 

He spoke so scurrilously of you, I had no patience to hear him; besides, he has been making love to me. + 

Harcourt + 

True, damned telltale woman! Aside. + 

Sparkish + 

Pshaw! to show his parts⁠—we wits rail and make love often, but to show our parts: as we have no affections, so we have no malice, we⁠— + 

Alithea + 

He said you were a wretch below an injury⁠— + 

Sparkish + 

Pshaw! + 

Harcourt + 

Damned, senseless, impudent, virtuous jade! Well, since she won’t let me have her, she’ll do as good, she’ll make me hate her. Aside. + 

Alithea + 

A common bubble⁠— + 

Sparkish + 

Pshaw! + 

Alithea + 

A coward⁠— + 

Sparkish + 

Pshaw, pshaw! + 

Alithea + 

A senseless, drivelling idiot⁠— + 

Sparkish + 

How! did he disparage my parts? Nay, then, my honour’s concerned, I can’t put up that, sir, by the world⁠—brother, help me to kill him⁠—Aside. I may draw now, since we have the odds of him:⁠—’tis a good occasion, too, before my mistress⁠—Offers to draw. + 

Alithea + 

Hold, hold! + 

Sparkish + 

What, what? + 

Alithea + 

Aside. I must not let ’em kill the gentleman neither, for his kindness to me: I am so far from hating him, that I wish my gallant had his person and understanding. Nay, if my honour⁠— + 

Sparkish + 

I’ll be thy death. + 

Alithea + 

Hold, hold! Indeed, to tell the truth, the gentleman said after all, that what he spoke was but out of friendship to you. + 

Sparkish + 

How! say, I am, I am a fool, that is, no wit, out of friendship to me? + 

Alithea + 

Yes, to try whether I was concerned enough for you; and made love to me only to be satisfied of my virtue, for your sake. + 

Harcourt + 

Kind, however. Aside. + 

Sparkish + 

Nay, if it were so, my dear rogue, I ask thee pardon; but why would not you tell me so, faith? + 

Harcourt + 

Because I did not think on’t, faith. + 

Sparkish + 

Come, Horner does not come; Harcourt, let’s be gone to the new play.⁠—Come, madam. + 

Alithea + 

I will not go, if you intend to leave me alone in the box, and run into the pit, as you use to do. + 

Sparkish + 

Pshaw! I’ll leave Harcourt with you in the box to entertain you, and that’s as good; if I sat in the box, I should be thought no judge but of trimmings.⁠—Come away, Harcourt, lead her down. + 

Exeunt Sparkish, Harcourt, and Alithea. + 

Pinchwife + 

Well, go thy ways, for the flower of the true town fops, such as spend their estates before they come to ’em, and are cuckolds before they’re married. But let me go look to my own freehold.⁠—How! + 

Enter Lady Fidget, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Mrs. Squeamish. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Your servant, sir: where is your lady? We are come to wait upon her to the new play. + 

Pinchwife + 

New play! + 

Lady Fidget + 

And my husband will wait upon you presently. + 

Pinchwife + 

Aside. Damn your civility.⁠—Aloud. Madam, by no means; I will not see Sir Jasper here, till I have waited upon him at home; nor shall my wife see you till she has waited upon your ladyship at your lodgings. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Now we are here, sir? + 

Pinchwife + 

No, Madam. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Pray, let us see her. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

We will not stir till we see her. + 

Pinchwife + 

Aside. A pox on you all!⁠—Goes to the door, and returns. She has locked the door, and is gone abroad. + 

Lady Fidget + 

No, you have locked the door, and she’s within. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

They told us below she was here. + 

Pinchwife + 

Aside. Will nothing do?⁠—Aloud. Well, it must out then. To tell you the truth, ladies, which I was afraid to let you know before, lest it might endanger your lives, my wife has just now the smallpox come out upon her; do not be frightened; but pray be gone, ladies; you shall not stay here in danger of your lives; pray get you gone, ladies. + 

Lady Fidget + 

No, no, we have all had ’em. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

Alack, alack! + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Come, come, we must see how it goes with her; I understand the disease. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Come! + 

Pinchwife + 

Aside. Well, there is no being too hard for women at their own weapon, lying, therefore I’ll quit the field. + 

Exit. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

Here’s an example of jealousy! + 

Lady Fidget + 

Indeed, as the world goes, I wonder there are no more jealous, since wives are so neglected. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Pshaw! as the world goes, to what end should they be jealous? + 

Lady Fidget + 

Foh! ’tis a nasty world. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

That men of parts, great acquaintance, and quality, should take up with and spend themselves and fortunes in keeping little playhouse creatures, foh! + 

Lady Fidget + 

Nay, that women of understanding, great acquaintance, and good quality, should fall a-keeping too of little creatures, foh! + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

Why, ’tis the men of quality’s fault; they never visit women of honour and reputation as they used to do; and have not so much as common civility for ladies of our rank, but use us with the same indifferency and ill-breeding as if we were all married to ’em. + 

Lady Fidget + 

She says true; ’tis an arrant shame women of quality should be so slighted; methinks birth⁠—birth should go for something; I have known men admired, courted, and followed for their titles only. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

Ay, one would think men of honour should not love, no more than marry, out of their own rank. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Fy, fy, upon ’em! they are come to think cross breeding for themselves best, as well as for their dogs and horses. + 

Lady Fidget + 

They are dogs and horses for’t. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

One would think, if not for love, for vanity a little. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Nay, they do satisfy their vanity upon us sometimes; and are kind to us in their report, tell all the world they lie with us. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Damned rascals, that we should be only wronged by ’em! To report a man has had a person, when he has not had a person, is the greatest wrong in the whole world that can be done to a person. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

Well, ’tis an arrant shame noble persons should be so wronged and neglected. + 

Lady Fidget + 

But still ’tis an arranter shame for a noble person to neglect her own honour, and defame her own noble person with little inconsiderable fellows, foh! + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

I suppose the crime against our honour is the same with a man of quality as with another. + 

Lady Fidget + 

How! no sure, the man of quality is likest one’s husband, and therefore the fault should be the less. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

But then the pleasure should be the less. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Fy, fy, fy, for shame, sister! whither shall we ramble? Be continent in your discourse, or I shall hate you. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Besides, an intrigue is so much the more notorious for the man’s quality. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

’Tis true that nobody takes notice of a private man, and therefore with him ’tis more secret; and the crime’s the less when ’tis not known. + 

Lady Fidget + 

You say true; i’faith, I think you are in the right on’t: ’tis not an injury to a husband, till it be an injury to our honours; so that a woman of honour loses no honour with a private person; and to say truth⁠— + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

So, the little fellow is grown a private person⁠—with her⁠—Apart to Mrs. Squeamish. + 

Lady Fidget + 

But still my dear, dear honour⁠— + 

Enter Sir Jasper Fidget, Horner, and Dorilant. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Ay, my dear, dear of honour, thou hast still so much honour in thy mouth⁠— + 

Horner + 

That she has none elsewhere. Aside. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Oh, what d’ye mean to bring in these upon us? + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Foh! these are as bad as wits. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

Foh! + 

Lady Fidget + 

Let us leave the room. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Stay, stay; faith, to tell you the naked truth⁠— + 

Lady Fidget + 

Fy, Sir Jasper! do not use that word naked. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Well, well, in short I have business at Whitehall, and cannot go to the play with you, therefore would have you go⁠— + 

Lady Fidget + 

With those two to a play? + 

Sir Jasper + 

No, not with t’other, but with Mr. Horner; there can be no more scandal to go with him than with Mr. Tattle, or Master Limberham. + 

Lady Fidget + 

With that nasty fellow! no⁠—no. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Nay, prithee, dear, hear me. Whispers to Lady Fidget. + 

Horner + 

Ladies⁠—Horner and Dorilant draw near Mrs. Squeamish and Mrs. Dainty Fidget. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Stand off. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

Do not approach us. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

You herd with the wits, you are obscenity all over. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

And I would as soon look upon a picture of Adam and Eve, without fig-leaves, as any of you, if I could help it; therefore keep off, and do not make us sick. + 

Dorilant + 

What a devil are these? + 

Horner + 

Why, these are pretenders to honour, as critics to wit, only by censuring others; and as every raw, peevish, out-of-humoured, affected, dull, tea-drinking, arithmetical fop, sets up for a wit by railing at men of sense, so these for honour, by railing at the court, and ladies of as great honour as quality. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Come, Mr. Horner, I must desire you to go with these ladies to the play, sir. + 

Horner + 

I, sir? + 

Sir Jasper + 

Ay, ay, come, sir. + 

Horner + 

I must beg your pardon, sir, and theirs; I will not be seen in women’s company in public again for the world. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Ha, ha, strange aversion! + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

No, he’s for women’s company in private. + 

Sir Jasper + 

He⁠—poor man⁠—he⁠—ha! ha! ha! + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

’Tis a greater shame amongst lewd fellows to be seen in virtuous women’s company, than for the women to be seen with them. + 

Horner + 

Indeed, madam, the time was I only hated virtuous women, but now I hate the other too; I beg your pardon, ladies. + 

Lady Fidget + 

You are very obliging, sir, because we would not be troubled with you. + 

Sir Jasper + 

In sober sadness, he shall go. + 

Dorilant + 

Nay, if he wo’ not, I am ready to wait upon the ladies, and I think I am the fitter man. + 

Sir Jasper + 

You sir! no, I thank you for that. Master Horner is a privileged man amongst the virtuous ladies, ’twill be a great while before you are so; he! he! he! he’s my wife’s gallant; he! he! he! No, pray withdraw, sir, for as I take it, the virtuous ladies have no business with you. + 

Dorilant + 

And I am sure he can have none with them. ’Tis strange a man can’t come amongst virtuous women now, but upon the same terms as men are admitted into the Great Turk’s seraglio. But heavens keep me from being an ombre player with ’em!⁠—But where is Pinchwife? + 

Exit. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Come, come, man; what, avoid the sweet society of womankind? that sweet, soft, gentle, tame, noble creature, woman, made for man’s companion⁠— + 

Horner + 

So is that soft, gentle, tame, and more noble creature a spaniel, and has all their tricks; can fawn, lie down, suffer beating, and fawn the more; barks at your friends when they come to see you, makes your bed hard, gives you fleas, and the mange sometimes. And all the difference is, the spaniel’s the more faithful animal, and fawns but upon one master. + 

Sir Jasper + 

He! he! he! + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

O the rude beast! + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Insolent brute! + 

Lady Fidget + 

Brute! stinking, mortified, rotten French wether, to dare⁠— + 

Sir Jasper + 

Hold, an’t please your ladyship.⁠—For shame, Master Horner! your mother was a woman⁠—Aside. Now shall I never reconcile ’em.⁠—Aside to Lady Fidget. Hark you, madam, take my advice in your anger. You know you often want one to make up your drolling pack of ombre players, and you may cheat him easily; for he’s an ill gamester, and consequently loves play. Besides, you know you have but two old civil gentlemen (with stinking breaths too) to wait upon you abroad; take in the third into your service. The other are but crazy; and a lady should have a supernumerary gentleman-usher as a supernumerary coach-horse, lest sometimes you should be forced to stay at home. + 

Lady Fidget + 

But are you sure he loves play, and has money? + 

Sir Jasper + 

He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as I. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Then I am contented to make him pay for his scurrility. Money makes up in a measure all other wants in men.⁠—Those whom we cannot make hold for gallants, we make fine. Aside. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Aside. So, so; now to mollify, wheedle him.⁠—Aside to Horner. Master Horner, will you never keep civil company? methinks ’tis time now, since you are only fit for them. Come, come, man, you must e’en fall to visiting our wives, eating at our tables, drinking tea with our virtuous relations after dinner, dealing cards to ’em, reading plays and gazettes to ’em, picking fleas out of their smocks for ’em, collecting receipts, new songs, women, pages, and footmen for ’em. + 

Horner + 

I hope they’ll afford me better employment, sir. + 

Sir Jasper + 

He! he! he! ’tis fit you know your work before you come into your place. And since you are unprovided of a lady to flatter, and a good house to eat at, pray frequent mine, and call my wife mistress, and she shall call you gallant, according to the custom. + 

Horner + 

Who, I? + 

Sir Jasper + 

Faith, thou sha’t for my sake; come, for my sake only. + 

Horner + 

For your sake⁠— + 

Sir Jasper + 

Come, come, here’s a gamester for you; let him be a little familiar sometimes; nay, what if a little rude? Gamesters may be rude with ladies, you know. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Yes; losing gamesters have a privilege with women. + 

Horner + 

I always thought the contrary, that the winning gamester had most privilege with women; for when you have lost your money to a man, you’ll lose anything you have, all you have, they say, and he may use you as he pleases. + 

Sir Jasper + 

He! he! he! well, win or lose, you shall have your liberty with her. + 

Lady Fidget + 

As he behaves himself; and for your sake I’ll give him admittance and freedom. + 

Horner + 

All sorts of freedom, madam? + 

Sir Jasper + 

Ay, ay, ay, all sorts of freedom thou canst take. And so go to her, begin thy new employment; wheedle her, jest with her, and be better acquainted one with another. + 

Horner + 

Aside. I think I know her already; therefore may venture with her my secret for hers. Horner and Lady Fidget whisper. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Sister cuz, I have provided an innocent playfellow for you there. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

Who, he? + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

There’s a playfellow, indeed! + 

Sir Jasper + 

Yes sure.⁠—What, he is good enough to play at cards, blindman’s-buff, or the fool with, sometimes! + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

Foh! we’ll have no such playfellows. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

No, sir; you shan’t choose playfellows for us, we thank you. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Nay, pray hear me. Whispering to them. + 

Lady Fidget + 

But, poor gentleman, could you be so generous, so truly a man of honour, as for the sakes of us women of honour, to cause yourself to be reported no man? No man! and to suffer yourself the greatest shame that could fall upon a man, that none might fall upon us women by your conversation? but, indeed, sir, as perfectly, perfectly the same man as before your going into France, sir? as perfectly, perfectly, sir? + 

Horner + 

As perfectly, perfectly, madam. Nay, I scorn you should take my word; I desire to be tried only, madam. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Well, that’s spoken again like a man of honour: all men of honour desire to come to the test. But, indeed, generally you men report such things of yourselves, one does not know how or whom to believe; and it is come to that pass, we dare not take your words no more than your tailor’s, without some staid servant of yours be bound with you. But I have so strong a faith in your honour, dear, dear, noble sir, that I’d forfeit mine for yours, at any time, dear sir. + 

Horner + 

No, madam, you should not need to forfeit it for me; I have given you security already to save you harmless, my late reputation being so well known in the world, madam. + 

Lady Fidget + 

But if upon any future falling-out, or upon a suspicion of my taking the trust out of your hands, to employ some other, you yourself should betray your trust, dear sir? I mean, if you’ll give me leave to speak obscenely, you might tell, dear sir. + 

Horner + 

If I did, nobody would believe me. The reputation of impotency is as hardly recovered again in the world as that of cowardice, dear madam. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Nay, then, as one may say, you may do your worst, dear, dear sir. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Come, is your ladyship reconciled to him yet? have you agreed on matters? for I must be gone to Whitehall. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Why, indeed, Sir Jasper, Master Horner is a thousand, thousand times a better man than I thought him. Cousin Squeamish, sister Dainty, I can name him now. Truly, not long ago, you know, I thought his very name obscenity; and I would as soon have lain with him as have named him. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Very likely, poor madam. + 

Mrs. Dainty + 

I believe it. + 

Mrs. Squeamish + 

No doubt on’t. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Well, well⁠—that your ladyship is as virtuous as any she, I know, and him all the town knows⁠—he! he! he! therefore now you like him, get you gone to your business together, go, go to your business, I say, pleasure, whilst I go to my pleasure, business. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Come, then, dear gallant. + 

Horner + 

Come away, my dearest mistress. + 

Sir Jasper + 

So, so; why, ’tis as I’d have it. + 

Exit. + 

Horner + 

And as I’d have it. + 

Lady Fidget + 

Who for his business from his wife will run, + 

Takes the best care to have her business done. + 

Exeunt. + 