Scene + 

II + 

Horner’s Lodging. + 

Horner and Quack. + 

Quack + 

What, all alone? not so much as one of your cuckolds here, nor one of their wives! They use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you. + 

Horner + 

Yes, it often happens that a cuckold is but his wife’s spy, and is more upon family duty when he is with her gallant abroad, hindering his pleasure, than when he is at home with her playing the gallant. But the hardest duty a married woman imposes upon a lover is keeping her husband company always. + 

Quack + 

And his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers. + 

Horner + 

A pox! keeping a cuckold company, after you have had his wife, is as tiresome as the company of a country squire to a witty fellow of the town, when he has got all his money. + 

Quack + 

And as at first a man makes a friend of the husband to get the wife, so at last you are fain to fall out with the wife to be rid of the husband. + 

Horner + 

Ay, most cuckold-makers are true courtiers; when once a poor man has cracked his credit for ’em, they can’t abide to come near him. + 

Quack + 

But at first, to draw him in, are so sweet, so kind, so dear! just as you are to Pinchwife. But what becomes of that intrigue with his wife? + 

Horner + 

A pox! he’s as surly as an alderman that has been bit; and since he’s so coy, his wife’s kindness is in vain, for she’s a silly innocent. + 

Quack + 

Did she not send you a letter by him? + 

Horner + 

Yes; but that’s a riddle I have not yet solved. Allow the poor creature to be willing, she is silly too, and he keeps her up so close⁠— + 

Quack + 

Yes, so close, that he makes her but the more willing, and adds but revenge to her love; which two, when met, seldom fail of satisfying each other one way or other. + 

Horner + 

What! here’s the man we are talking of, I think. + 

Enter Pinchwife, leading in his Wife masked, muffled, and in her Sister’s gown. + 

Pshaw! + 

Quack + 

Bringing his wife to you is the next thing to bringing a love-letter from her. + 

Horner + 

What means this? + 

Pinchwife + 

The last time, you know, sir, I brought you a love-letter; now, you see, a mistress; I think you’ll say I am a civil man to you. + 

Horner + 

Ay, the devil take me, will I say thou art the civilest man I ever met with; and I have known some. I fancy I understand thee now better than I did the letter. But, hark thee, in thy ear⁠— + 

Pinchwife + 

What? + 

Horner + 

Nothing but the usual question, man: is she sound, on thy word? + 

Pinchwife + 

What, you take her for a wench, and me for a pimp? + 

Horner + 

Pshaw! wench and pimp, paw words; I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great acquaintance among the ladies, and perhaps hast made love for me, rather than let me make love to thy wife. + 

Pinchwife + 

Come, sir, in short, I am for no fooling. + 

Horner + 

Nor I neither: therefore prithee, let’s see her face presently. Make her show, man: art thou sure I don’t know her? + 

Pinchwife + 

I am sure you do know her. + 

Horner + 

A pox! why dost thou bring her to me then? + 

Pinchwife + 

Because she’s a relation of mine⁠— + 

Horner + 

Is she, faith, man? then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear rogue. + 

Pinchwife + 

Who desired me to bring her to you. + 

Horner + 

Then she is obliging, dear rogue. + 

Pinchwife + 

You’ll make her welcome for my sake, I hope. + 

Horner + 

I hope she is handsome enough to make herself welcome. Prithee let her unmask. + 

Pinchwife + 

Do you speak to her; she would never be ruled by me. + 

Horner + 

Madam⁠—Mrs. Pinchwife whispers to Horner. She says she must speak with me in private. Withdraw, prithee. + 

Pinchwife + 

Aside. She’s unwilling, it seems, I should know all her indecent conduct in this business⁠—Aloud. Well then, I’ll leave you together, and hope when I am gone, you’ll agree; if not, you and I shan’t agree, sir. + 

Horner + 

What means the fool? if she and I agree ’tis no matter what you and I do. Whispers to Mrs. Pinchwife, who makes signs with her hand for him to be gone. + 

Pinchwife + 

In the meantime I’ll fetch a parson, and find out Sparkish, and disabuse him. You would have me fetch a parson, would you not? Well then⁠—now I think I am rid of her, and shall have no more trouble with her⁠—our sisters and daughters, like usurers’ money, are safest when put out; but our wives, like their writings, never safe, but in our closets under lock and key. + 

Exit. + 

Enter Boy. + 

Boy + 

Sir Jasper Fidget, sir, is coming up. + 

Exit. + 

Horner + 

Here’s the trouble of a cuckold now we are talking of. A pox on him! has he not enough to do to hinder his wife’s sport, but he must other women’s too?⁠—Step in here, madam. + 

Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. + 

Enter Sir Jasper Fidget. + 

Sir Jasper + 

My best and dearest friend. + 

Horner + 

Aside to Quack. The old style, doctor.⁠—Aloud. Well, be short, for I am busy. What would your impertinent wife have now? + 

Sir Jasper + 

Well guessed, i’faith; for I do come from her. + 

Horner + 

To invite me to supper! Tell her, I can’t come; go. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Nay, now you are out, faith; for my lady, and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolved upon a frolic of coming to you tonight in masquerade, and are all dressed already. + 

Horner + 

I shan’t be at home. + 

Sir Jasper + 

Aside. Lord, how churlish he is to women!⁠—Aloud. Nay, prithee don’t disappoint ’em; they’ll think ’tis my fault: prithee don’t. I’ll send in the banquet and the fiddles. But make no noise on’t; for the poor virtuous rogues would not have it known, for the world, that they go a-masquerading; and they would come to no man’s ball but yours. + 

Horner + 

Well, well⁠—get you gone; and tell ’em, if they come, ’twill be at the peril of their honour and yours. + 

Sir Jasper + 

He! he! he!⁠—we’ll trust you for that: farewell. + 

Exit. + 

Horner + 

Doctor, anon you too shall be my guest, + 

But now I’m going to a private feast. + 

Exeunt. + 