Scene 2 + 

Park in 4. Rural cottage, L. 1 E., adjoining which, and projecting on stage an inside view of a dairy with sloping roof, painting backing to look like milk pans. The whole scene should have a picturesque appearance. Garden fence run across back, ornamental gate or archway, R. 3 E. Pigeon house on pole near dairy, L. C. Spinning wheel inside cottage door, one or two rustic benches, R. and L. + 

Enter John Wickens, R. 3 E, with two milk pails on a yoke, puts them down near dairy, then looks off, R. 3 E. + 

John Wickens + 

There they go, that’s a bull’s eye, I warrant. Dang me though, if I wouldn’t rather see Miss Mary than this cock robin sports yonder, here she comes. Good morning, Miss Mary. Enter Mary from cottage L. + 

Mary + 

Oh, Wickens, you are there. How kind of you to help me with the milk pails today, when all the lads and lasses have given themselves a holiday to see the shooting. + 

John Wickens + 

Ah, Miss Mary, you ought to be among then, with a green hat and feather, if all had their rights. + 

Mary + 

Laughing. Nay, ladies without a farthing in the world, ought to put aside their ladyships and make themselves: besides I’m proud of my dairy here, just help me with this troublesome fellow, steady, don’t shake it, the cream is foaming so beautifully. There. John Wickens carries pan into cottage and returns down, R. + 

John Wickens + 

Now, Miss Mary, what can I do for you? + 

Mary + 

Let me see; well, really, I do believe, Wickens, I’ve nothing to do but amuse myself. + 

John Wickens + 

Dang it, Miss, that’s a pity, cos I can’t help you at that, you see. + 

Mary + 

Oh! Yes, bring me out dear old Welsh nurse’s spinning wheel Exit John Wickens into cottage, L. 2 E. by the side of which I have stood so often, a round-eyed baby wondering at its whirring wheel. Reenter John Wickens with wheel, places it near cottage, L. 2 E. There, that will do famously. I can catch the full scent of the jessamines. + 

John Wickens + 

R. C. Anything more, Miss Mary? + 

Mary + 

No, thank you, Wickens! + 

John Wickens + 

Going. Good morning, Miss Mary. + 

Mary + 

Good morning, Wickens. + 

John Wickens + 

Returning. Is there anything I can get for you, Miss Mary? + 

Mary + 

Spinning. Nothing, thank you. + 

John Wickens + 

Dang me if I wouldn’t like to stop all day, and watch her pretty figure and run errands for her. Exit R. 3 E., crosses behind fence. + 

Mary + 

Poor Wickens is not the only one who thinks I am a very ill-used young body. Now I don’t think so. Grandfather was rich, but he must have had a bad heart, or he never could have cast off poor mamma; had he adopted me, I should never have been so happy as I am now, uncle is kind to me in his pompous, patronizing way, and dear Florence loves me like a sister, and so I am happy. I am my own mistress here, and not anybody’s humble servant, I sometimes find myself singing as the birds do, because I can’t help it Song, “Maid with the Milking Pail,” can be introduced here. + 

Enter Florence Trenchard and Asa Trenchard through gate, R. 3 E. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Come along, cousin, come along. I want to introduce you to my little cousin. Kisses Mary. I’ve brought you a visitor, Miss Mary Meredith, Mr. Asa Trenchard, our American cousin. They shake hands. That will do for the present. This young gentleman has carried off the prize by three successive shots in the bull’s eye. + 

Mary + 

I congratulate you, sir, and am happy to see you. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Shakes hands again. Thank you, Miss. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

That will do for a beginning. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Aside. And so that is Mark Trenchard’s grandchild. + 

Mary + 

Why have you left the archery, Florence? + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Because, after Mr. Asa Trenchard’s display, I felt in no humor for shooting, and I have some very grave business with my cousin here. + 

Mary + 

You? Grave business? Why I thought you never had any graver business than being very pretty, very amiable, and very ready to be amused. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, Miss, I guess the first comes natural round these diggins. Bows. + 

Mary + 

You are very polite. This is my domain, sir, and I shall be happy to show you, that is, if you understand anything about a dairy. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Yes, by the way, do you understand anything about dairies in America? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, I guess I do know something about cow juice. They turn to smother laugh. Why, if it ain’t all as bright and clean as a fresh washed shirt just off the clover, and is this all your doin’s, Miss? + 

Mary + 

Yes, sir, I milk the cows, set up the milk, superintend the churning and make the cheese. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, darn me if you ain’t the first raal right down useful gal I’ve seen on this side the pond. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

What’s that, sir? Do you want to make me jealous? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Oh, no, you needn’t get your back up, you are the right sort too, but you must own you’re small potatoes, and few in a hill compared to a gal like that. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

I’m what? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Small potatoes. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Will you be kind enough to translate that for me, for I don’t understand American yet. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Yes, I’ll put it in French for you, petite pommes des terres. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Ah, it’s very clear now; but, cousin, do tell me what you mean by calling me small potatoes. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, you can sing and paint, and play on the pianner, and in your own particular circle you are some pumpkins. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Some pumpkins, first I am small potatoes, and now I’m some pumpkins. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

But she, she can milk cows, set up the butter, make cheese, and, darn me, if them ain’t what I call raal downright feminine accomplishments. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

I do believe you are right cousin, so Mary do allow me to congratulate you upon not being small potatoes. + 

Mary + 

Well, I must look to my dairy or all my last week’s milk will be spoiled. Goodbye, Florence, dear. Goodbye, Mr. Trenchard. Good morning, sir. Exit into Cottage. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Following her to door. Good morning, Miss. I’ll call again. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Well, cousin, what do you think of her? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Ain’t she a regular snorter? + 

Florence Trenchard + 

A what? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, perhaps I should make myself more intelligable, if I said, a squeeler, and to think I’m keepin’ that everlasting angel of a gal out of her fortune all along of this bit of paper here.Takes paper from pocket. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

What is that? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Old Mark Trenchard’s will. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Don’t show it to me, I don’t want to look at it, the fortune should have come to Mary, she is the only relation in the direct line. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Say, cousin, you’ve not told her that darned property was left to me, have you? + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Do you think I had the heart to tell her of her misfortune? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, darn me, if you didn’t show your good sense at any rate. Goes up to dairy. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Well, what are you doing, showing your good sense? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Oh, you go long. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Say, cousin, I guess I’ve got you on a string now, as I heard you say this morning. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, what if you have, didn’t I see you casting sheep’s eyes at that sailor man this morning? Ah, I reckon I’ve got you on a string now. Say, has he got that ship yet? + 

Florence Trenchard + 

No, he hasn’t, though I’ve used all my powers of persuasion with that Lord Dundreary, and his father has so much influence with the admiralty. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, din’t he drop like a smoked possum? + 

Florence Trenchard + 

There you go, more American. No, he said he was very sorry, but he couldn’t. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Taking bottle out. Oh, he did, did he? Wal, I guess he’ll do his best all the same. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

I shall be missed at the archery grounds. Will you take me back? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Like a streak of lightning. Offers arm and takes her to dairy. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

That’s not the way. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

No, of course not. Takes her round stage back to dairy. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Well, but where are you going now? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

I was just going round. I say, cousin, don’t you think you could find your way back alone. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Why, what do you want to do? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, I just wanted to see how they make cheese is this darned country. Exits into dairy. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Laughing. And they call that man a savage; well, I only wish we had a few more such savages in England. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Without, R. 2 E. This way, lovely sufferer. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Ah, here’s Dundreary. + 

Lord Dundreary enters with Georgina, places her in rustic chair, R. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

There, repothe yourself. + 

Georgina + 

Thank you, my lord; you are so kind to me, and I am so delicate. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Yes, you look delicate, dear; how is she this morning, any better? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

When she recovers, she’ll be better. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

I’m afraid you don’t take good care of her, you are so rough. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

No, I’m not wruff, either. Sings. I’m gentle and I’m kind, I’m⁠—I forget the rest + 

Florence Trenchard + 

Well, good morning, dear⁠—do take care of her⁠—good day, Dundreary. Exit through gate. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Now, let me administer to your wants. How would you like a roast chestnut? + 

Georgina + 

No, my lord, I’m too delicate. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Well, then, a peanut; there is a great deal of nourishment in peanuts. + 

Georgina + 

No, thank you. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Then what can I do for you? + 

Georgina + 

If you please, ask the dairy maid to let me have a seat in the dairy. I am afraid of the draft, here. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Oh! you want to get out of the draft, do you? Well, you’re not the only one that wants to escape the draft. Is that the dairy on top of that stick? Points to pigeon house. + 

Georgina + 

No, my lord, that’s the pigeon house. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

What do they keep in pigeon houses? Oh! pigeons, to be sure; they couldn’t keep donkeys up there, could they? That’s the dairy, I suppothe? + 

Georgina + 

Yes, my lord. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

What do they keep in dairies? + 

Georgina + 

Eggs, milk, butter and cheese. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

What’s the name of that animal with a head on it? No, I don’t mean that, all animals have heads. I mean those animals with something growing out of their heads. + 

Georgina + 

A cow? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

A cow growing out of his head? + 

Georgina + 

No, no, horns. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

A cow! well, that accounts for the milk and butter; but I don’t see the eggs; cows don’t give eggs; then there’s the cheese⁠—do you like cheese? + 

Georgina + 

No, my lord. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Does your brother like cheese? + 

Georgina + 

I have no brother. I’m so delicate. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

She’s so delicate, she hasn’t got a brother. Well, if you had a brother do you think he’d like cheese? + 

Georgina + 

I don’t know; do please take me to the dairy. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Well, I will see if I can get you a broiled sardine. Exit into dairy. + 

Georgina + 

Jumps up. Oh! I’m so glad he’s gone. I am so dreadful hungry. I should like a plate of corn beef and cabbage, eggs and bacon, or a slice of cold ham and pickles. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Outside. Thank you, thank you. + 

Georgina + 

Running back to seat. Here he comes. Oh! I am so delicate. + 

Enter Lord Dundreary. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

I beg you pardon, Miss Georgina, but I find upon enquiry that cows don’t give sardines. But I’ve arranged it with the dairy maid so that you can have a seat by the window that overlooks the cow house and the pig sty, and all the pretty things. + 

Georgina + 

I’m afraid I’m very troublesome. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Yes, you’re very troublesome, you are. No, I mean you’re a lovely sufferer, that’s the idea. They go up to cottage door. + 

Enter Asa Trenchard, running against Lord Dundreary. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

There’s that damned rhinoceros again. Exit into cottage, with Georgina. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

There goes that benighted aristocrat and that little toad of a sick gal. Looks off. There he’s a settling her in a chair and covering her all over with shawls. Ah! it’s a caution, how these women do fix our flint for us. Here he comes. Takes out bottle. How are you, hair dye. Goes behind dairy. + 

Enter Lord Dundreary. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

That lovely Georgina puts me in mind of that beautiful piece of poetry. Let me see how it goes. The rose is red, the violet’s blue. Asa Trenchard tips his hat over his eyes. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Repeats. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Repeats business. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Comes down, takes off hat, looking in it. There must be something alive in that hat. Goes up, and commences again. The rose is red, the violet’s blue, sugar is sweet, and so is somebody, and so is somebody else. + 

Asa Trenchard puts yoke on Lord Dundreary’s shoulders gently. Lord Dundreary comes down with pails. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

I wonder what the devil that is? Lowers one, then the other, they trip him up. Oh, I see, somebody has been fishing and caught a pail. Goes hopping upstage, stumbling over against spinning wheel. Looks at yarn on stick. Why, what a little old man. Sees Asa Trenchard. Say, Mr. Exile, what the devil is this? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

That is a steam engine, and will bust in about a minute. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Well, I haven’t a minute to spare, so I’ll not wait till it busts. Crosses to R., knocks against private box, R. H., apologizes. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Say, whiskers, I want to ask a favor of you. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Attempts to sneeze. Now I’ve got it. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, but say. Lord Dundreary’s sneezing business. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Takes his hand. How are you. Squeezes it. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

There, you’ve spoiled it. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Spoiled what? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Spoiled what! why a magnificent sneeze. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Oh! was that what you was trying to get through you? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Get through me: he’s mad. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, now, the naked truth is⁠—Leans arm on Lord Dundreary’s shoulder. Business by Lord Dundreary. Oh, come now, don’t be putting on airs. Say, do you know Lieutenant Vernon? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Slightly. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, what do you think of him, on an average? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Think of a man on an average? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, I think he’s a real hoss, and he wants a ship. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Well if he’s a real hoss, he must want a carriage. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Darn me, if that ain’t good. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

That’s good. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Yes, that is good. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Very good. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Very good, indeed, for you. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Now I’ve got it. Tries to sneeze. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, now, I say. Lord Dundreary trying to sneeze. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

What, are you at that again? + 

Lord Dundreary business. Asa Trenchard bites his finger. Lord Dundreary goes up, stumbles against chair and comes down again. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

I’ve got the influenza. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Got the what? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

He says I’ve got a wart. I’ve got the influenza. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

That’s it exactly. I want your influence, sir, to get that ship. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

That’s good. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Yes, that’s good, ain’t it. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Very good. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Yes, darn me, if that ain’t good. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

For you. Ha! ha! One on that Yankee. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Well done, Britisher. Wal, now, about that ship? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

I want all my influence, sir, for my own w⁠—w⁠—welations. Stammering. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Oh! you want it for your own w⁠—w⁠—welations. Mimicing. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

I say, sir. Asa Trenchard pretends deafness. This business is ad lib. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Eh? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

He’s hard of hearing, and thinks he’s in a balloon. Mister. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Eh? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

He thinks he can hear with his nose. I say⁠— + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Eh? + 

Lord Dundreary turns Asa Trenchard’s nose around with his thumb. Asa Trenchard puts his two hands up to Lord Dundreary’s. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Now he thinks he’s a musical instrument. I say⁠— + 

Asa Trenchard + 

What? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

You stutter. I’ll give you a k⁠—k⁠—k⁠— + 

Asa Trenchard + 

No you won’t give me a kick. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

I’ll give you a c⁠—c⁠—card to a doctor and he’ll c⁠—c⁠—c⁠— + 

Asa Trenchard + 

No he won’t kick me, either. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

He’s idiotic. I don’t mean that, he’ll cure you. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Same one that cured you? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

The same. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, if you’re cured I want to stay sick. He must be a mighty smart man. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

A very clever man, he is. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, darn me, if there ain’t a physiological change taking place. Your whiskers at this moment⁠— + 

Lord Dundreary + 

My whiskers! + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Yes, about the ends they’re as black as a niggers in billing time, and near the roots they’re all speckled and streaked. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Horror struck. My whiskers speckled and streaked? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Showing bottle. Now, this is a wonderful invention. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

My hair dye. My dear sir. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Squeezing his hand. How are you? + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Dear Mr. Trenchard. + 

Puts arm on shoulder. Asa Trenchard repeats Lord Dundreary business, putting on eyeglass, hopping round the stage and stroking whiskers. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

He’s mad, he’s deaf, he squints, stammers and he’s a hopper. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Now, look here, you get the Lieutenant a ship and I’ll give you the bottle. It’s a fine swap. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

What the devil is a swap? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Well, you give me the ship, and I’ll give you the bottle to boot. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

What do I want of your boots? I haven’t got a ship about me. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

You’d better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They’ll be a pea green in about a minute. + 

Lord Dundreary + 

Crosses to L. Pea green! Exits hastily into house. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

I guess I’ve got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain’t pitching into ham and eggs and homemade bread, wal, she’s a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day’s work rail splitting. I’ll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. Georgina scream. Guess I’ve got a ring in her pretty nose now. Looks off, R. Hello! here comes the lickers and shooters, it’s about time I took my medicine, I reckon. + 

Enter, from R. 2. E, Sir Edward Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington, Florence Trenchard, Harry Vernon, Augusta, Capt. De Boots, John Wickens, Mr. Coyle, Sharpe, Mr. Binny, Skillet, Mr. Buddicombe, two servants in livery, carrying tray and glasses, a wine basket containing four bottles to represent champagne, knife to cut strings, some powerful acid in one bottle for Asa Trenchard⁠—pop sure. + 

Sir Edward Trenchard + 

Now to distribute the prizes, and drink to the health of the winner of the golden arrow. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

And there must stand the hero of the day. Come, kneel down. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Must I kneel down? + 

Florence Trenchard + 

I am going to crown you Captain of the Archers of Trenchard Manor. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Aside to Florence Trenchard. I’ve got the ship. + 

Florence Trenchard + 

No; have you? + 

Sir Edward Trenchard + 

Come, ladies and gentlemen, take from me. Takes glasses, Starts on seeing men in livery. Who are these strange faces? + 

Mr. Coyle + 

In his ear. Bailiffs, Sir Edward. + 

Sir Edward Trenchard + 

Bailiffs! Florence I am lost. + 

Florence Trenchard supports her father. At the same moment Lord Dundreary enters with letter and money. Georgina appears at dairy door as Lord Dundreary comes down, L. Asa Trenchard cuts string of bottle, cork hits Lord Dundreary. General commotion as drop descends. + 