Scene 7
Library in Trenchard Manor in 3 or 4.
Sir Edward Trenchard discovered seated R. of table.
Sir Edward Trenchard
The clock is on the stroke of two, and Mr. Coyle is waiting my decision. In giving her to him, I know I shall be embittering her life to save my fortune, but appearances—no, no, I will not sacrifice her young life so full of promise, for a few short years of questionable state for myself, better leave her to the mercy of chance. Enter Florence Trenchard, R. U. E. that sell her to this scoundrel; and to myself, I will not survive the downfall of my house, but end it thus. Raises pistol to his head. Florence Trenchard seizes his arm and screams.
Florence Trenchard
Father, dear father, what despair is this? Sir Edward Trenchard buries his face in his hands. If it is fear of poverty, do not think of me, I will marry this man if I drop dead in my bridal robes.
Enter Mr. Binny, R. 1 E.
Mr. Binny
Mr. Coyle, sir who has come by happointment.
Sir Edward Trenchard
I will not see him.
Florence Trenchard
Yes, yes, show him up, Mr. Binny. Exit Mr. Binny, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Florence, I will not consent to this sacrifice.
Enter Asa Trenchard, Mr. Coyle and Abel Murcott, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard
How is this Mr. Coyle, you are not alone?
Asa Trenchard
No, you see, squire, Mr. Coyle wishes me and his clerk to witness the cutting off the seals from the mortgage, which he has been lucky enough to find the release of.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Heavens, is it so?
Mr. Coyle
Yes, Sir Edward, there is the release executed by my father, which had become detached.
Asa Trenchard
To him. Accidentally.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Saved, saved at last from want!
Mr. Coyle
Meanwhile I have paid the execution debts out of a fine which has just fallen in.
Asa Trenchard
Accidentally. It’s astonishing how things have fallen in and out today.
Sir Edward Trenchard
But your demand here? Points to Florence Trenchard.
Mr. Coyle
I make none, Sir Edward. I regret that I should have conceived so mad a thought; it is enough to unfit me for longer holding position as your agent, which I beg humbly to resign—
Asa Trenchard
Aside to him. Recommending as your successor—
Mr. Coyle
Recommending as my successor Abel Murcott, whose knowledge of your affairs, gained in my office, will render him as useful as I have been.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, just about.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Your request is granted, Mr. Coyle.
Asa Trenchard
And now, my dear Mr. Coyle, you may a-b-s-q-u-a-t-u-l-a-t-e.
Mr. Coyle
I go, Sir Edward, with equal good wishes for all assembled here. Darts a look at Abel Murcott and exits, R. 1 E.
Asa Trenchard
That’s a good man, Sir Edward.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Yes.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, he’s a very good man.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Yes, he is a good man.
Asa Trenchard
But he can’t keep a hotel.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Mr. Murcott, your offence was heavy.
Florence Trenchard
And so has been his reparation. Forgive him, papa. Mr. Murcott, you saved me; may Heaven bless you.
Abel Murcott
Yes, I saved her, thank Heaven. I had strength enough for that. Exits L. 1 E.
Florence Trenchard
You’ll keep your promise and make Mr. Murcott your clerk, papa?
Sir Edward Trenchard
Yes, I can refuse nothing; I am so happy; I am so happy, I can refuse none anything today.
Asa Trenchard
Can’t you, Sir Edward! Now, that’s awful lucky, for there’s two gals want your consent mighty bad.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Indeed; for what?
Asa Trenchard
To get hitched.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Hitched?
Asa Trenchard
Yes to get spliced.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Spliced?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, to get married.
Sir Edward Trenchard
They have it by anticipation. Who are they?
Asa Trenchard
There’s one on ’em. Points to Florence Trenchard.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Florence! and the other?
Asa Trenchard
She’s right outside. Exit, hastily, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Well, and who is the happy man, Lord Dundreary—
Florence Trenchard
Lord Dundreary! No, papa—but Harry Vernon. He’s not poor now, though he’s got a ship.
Reenter Asa Trenchard, with Mary.
Asa Trenchard
Here’s the other one, Sir Edward.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Mary? Who is the object of your choice?
Mary
Rough-spun, honest-hearted Asa Trenchard.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Ah! Mr. Trenchard you win a heart of gold.
Florence Trenchard
And so does Mary, papa, believe me. Crosses to Asa Trenchard. Mary and Sir Edward Trenchard go up.
Florence Trenchard
What’s the matter?
Asa Trenchard
You make me blush.
Florence Trenchard
I don’t see you blushing.
Asa Trenchard
I’m blushing all the way down my back.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, you go long. Goes upstage.
Asa Trenchard
Hello! here’s all the folks coming two by two, as if they were pairing for Noah’s ark. Here’s Mrs. Mountchestnut and the Sailor man. Enter as Asa Trenchard calls them off. Here’s De Boots and his gal, and darn me, if here ain’t old setidy fetch it, and the sick gal, how are you buttons? Lord Dundreary knocks against Asa Trenchard, who is in C. of stage.
Lord Dundreary
There’s that damned rhinocerous again. Crosses to L. with Georgina, and seats her.
Asa Trenchard
Here comes turkey cock, number two, and his gal, and darn me, if here ain’t Puffy and his gal.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Mr. Vernon, take her, she’s yours, though Heaven knows what I shall do without her.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Rising. Ah, Sir Edward, that is just my case; but you’ll never know what it is to be a mother. Comes down, L. C. Georgina, Augusta, my dears, come here. They come down each side of her. You’ll sometimes think of your poor mamma, bless you. Aside to them. Oh, you couple of fools.
Bumps their foreheads. Lord Dundreary has business with Georgina, then leads her to a seat, L.
Capt. De Boots
To Lord Dundreary. Why, Fred, we’re all getting married!
Lord Dundreary
Yes, it’s catching, like the cholera.
Mr. Binny
I ’ope, Sir Edward, there’s no objections to my leading Miss Sharpe to the hymenial halter.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Certainly not, Mr. Binny.
Mr. Buddicombe
To Lord Dundreary. And Skillet and I have made so bold, My lord—
Lord Dundreary
Yes, you generally do make bold—but bless you, my children—bless you.
Asa Trenchard
Say, you, lord, buttons, I say, whiskers.
Lord Dundreary
Illustrious exile? Comes down.
Asa Trenchard
They’re a nice color, ain’t they?
Lord Dundreary
Yes, they’re all wight now.
Asa Trenchard
All wight? no, they’re all black.
Lord Dundreary
When I say wight I mean black.
Asa Trenchard
Say, shall I tell that sick gal about that hair dye?
Lord Dundreary
No, you needn’t tell that sick gal about that hair dye!
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Lord Dundreary
Aside. That man is a damned rattlesnake.
Goes up, sits in Georgina’s lap—turns to apologize, sits in Augusta’s lap—same business with Mrs. Mountchessington, then goes back to Georgina.
Asa Trenchard
Miss Georgina. She comes down. How’s your appetite? Shall I tell that lord about the beefsteak and onions I saw you pitching into?
Georgina
Please don’t, Mr. Trenchard, I’m so delicate.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Georgina
Oh, thank you.
Backs upstage and sits in Lord Dundreary’s lap, who has taken her seat.
Asa Trenchard
Miss Gusty. Augusta comes down. Got your boots, hain’t you?
Augusta
Yes, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
How do they fit you? Say, shall I tell that fellow you were after me first?
Augusta
Extravagantly. Not for the world, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
Mimicing. Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Asa Trenchard
To Mrs. Mountchessington. Mrs. Mountchestnut.
Lord Dundreary
Coming down. Sir, I haven’t a chestnut to offer you, but if you’d like some of your native food, I’ll order you a doughnut?
Asa Trenchard
I dough not see it.
Lord Dundreary
Laughs. That’s good.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, very good.
Lord Dundreary
For you.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, you get out, I mean the old lady.
Lord Dundreary
Mrs. Mountchessington, this illustrious exile wishes to see you. Mrs. Mountchessington comes down.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, old woman?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Old woman, sir?
Asa Trenchard
Got two of them gals off your hands, haven’t you?
Mrs. Mountchessington
I’m proud to say, I have.
Asa Trenchard
Shall I tell them fellows you tried to stick them on me first?
Mrs. Mountchessington
You’ll please not mention the subject.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to. Backs up;—curtseying;—knocks back against Lord Dundreary, who is stooping to pick up a handkerchief. They turn and bunk foreheads. Say, Mr. Puffy. Mr. Binny comes down. Shall I tell Sir Edward about your getting drunk in the wine cellar?
Mr. Binny
You need not—not if you don’t like unto.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Mr. Binny
Remember the hold hadage. “A still tongue shows a wise ’ead.”
Asa Trenchard
X Q’s me.
Mr. Binny
O, I, C. Goes up.
Florence Trenchard
Comes down, L. Well cousin, what have you to say to us? Mary comes down R. of Asa Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I ain’t got no ring, to put in your noses, but I’s got one to put on your finger. To Mary. And I guess the sailor man has one to put on yours, and I guess you two are as happy as clams at high water.
Florence Trenchard
I am sure you must be very happy.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I am not so sure about my happiness.
Florence Trenchard
Why, you ungrateful fellow. What do want to complete it?
Asa Trenchard
To Audience. My happiness depends on you.
Florence Trenchard
And I am sure you will not regret your kindness shown to Our American Cousin. But don’t go yet, pray—for Lord Dundreary has a word to say. Calls Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary
Sneezes. That’s the idea.
Curtain.