Scene 1
Drawing room in 3. Trenchard Manor, C. D., backed by interior, discovering table with luncheon spread. Large French window, R. 3 E., through which a fine English park is seen. Open archway, L. 3 E. Set balcony behind. Table, R., books and papers on it. Work basket containing wools and embroidery frame. A fashionable armchair and sofa, L. 2 E., small table near C. D. Stage handsomely set, costly furniture, carpet down, chairs, etc.
Mr. Buddicombe discovered on sofa reading newspaper. Skillet and Sharpe busily arranging furniture as curtain rises.
Sharpe
I don’t know how you may feel as a visitor, Mr. Buddicombe, but I think this is a most uncomfortable family.
Mr. Buddicombe
Very uncomfortable. I have no curtain to my bed.
Skillet
And no wine at the second table.
Sharpe
And meaner servants I never seed.
Mr. Buddicombe
I’m afraid Sir Edward is in a queer strait.
Skillet
Yes, for only this morning, Mr. Binny, Mrs. Skillet says he—
Enter Mr. Binny, L. 3 E.
Mr. Binny
Mind your hown business instead hof your betters. I’m disgusted with you lower servants. When the wine merchant presents his bills, you men, hear me, say he’s been pressing for the last six months, do you?
Skillet
Nor I, that the last year’s milliner’s bills have not been paid.
Sharpe
Nor I, that Miss Florence has not had no new dresses from London all winter.
Mr. Buddicombe
And I can solemnly swear that his lordship’s hair has been faithfully bound in this bosom.
Mr. Binny
That’ll do, that’ll do; but to remember to check hidle curiosity is the first duty of men hin livery. Ha, ’ere hare the letters.
Enter John Wickens, L. 3 E., with green baize bag. Mr. Binny takes bag, takes out letters and reads addresses.
Mr. Binny
Hah! bill, of course, Miss Augusta, Mrs. Mountchessington, Lord Dundreary, Captain De Boots, Miss Georgina Mountchessington, Lieutenant Vernon, ah! that’s from the admiralty. What’s this? Miss Florence Trenchard, via Brattleboro’, Vermont.
Mr. Buddicombe
Where’s that, Mr. Binny.
John Wickens
Why that be hin the United States of North Hamerica, and a main good place for poor folks.
Mr. Binny
John Wickens, you forget yourself.
John Wickens
Beg pardon, Mr. Binny.
Mr. Binny
John Wickens, leave the room.
John Wickens
But I know where Vermont be though.
Mr. Binny
John Wickens, get hout. Exit John Wickens, L. 3 E.
Mr. Buddicombe
Dreadful low fellow, that.
Mr. Binny
Halways himpudent.
Mr. Buddicombe
Looking at letter in Mr. Binny’s hand. Why, that is Sir Edward’s hand, Mr. Binny, he must have been sporting.
Mr. Binny
Yes, shooting the wild helephants and buffalos what abound there.
Mr. Buddicombe
The nasty beasts. Looking off, R. 2 E. Hello, there comes Miss Florence tearing across the lane like a three year old colt.
Sharp and Skillet
Oh, Gemini. Run off, R. 2 E. Mr. Buddicombe runs off, L. 2 E.
Enter Florence Trenchard, R. 2 E.
Florence Trenchard
As if after running. Oh! I’m fairly out of breath. Good morning, Mr. Binny, the letter bag I saw coming, Wickens coming with it. I thought I could catch him before I reached the house. Sits R. So off I started, I forgot the pond, it was in or over. I got over, but my hat got in. I wish you’d fish it out for me, you won’t find the pond very deep.
Mr. Binny
Me fish for an ’at? Does she take me for an hangler?
Florence Trenchard
Give me the letters. Takes them. Ah, blessed budget that descends upon Trenchard Manor, like rain on a duck pond. Tell papa and all, that the letters have come, you will find them on the terrace.
Mr. Binny
Yes, Miss. Going, L. 3 E.
Florence Trenchard
And then go fish out my hat out of the pond, it’s not very deep.
Mr. Binny
Aside. Me fish for ’ats? I wonder if she takes me for an hangler? Exit disgusted, R. 3 E.
Florence Trenchard
Reading directions. Lieutenant Vernon. This is a large letter with a large white envelope, red seal. In her Majesty’s service. Admiralty, R. N. Ah, that’s an answer to Harry’s application for a ship. Papa promised to use his influence for him. I hope he has succeeded, but then he will have to leave us, and who knows if he ever comes back. What a foolish girl I am, when I know that his rise in the service will depend upon it. I do hope he’ll get it, and, if he must leave us, I’ll bid him goodbye as a lass who loves a sailor should.
Enter Sir Edward Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington., Augusta, Capt. De Boots, Harry Vernon, L. 3 E.
Florence Trenchard
Papa, dear, here are letters for you, one for you, Mrs. Mountchessington, one for you, Capt. De Boots, and one for you, Harry. Hiding letter behind her.
Harry Vernon
Ah, one for me, Florence?
Florence Trenchard
Now what will you give me for one?
Harry Vernon
Ah, then you have one?
Florence Trenchard
Yes, there, Harry. Gives it.
Harry Vernon
Ah, for a ship. Opens and reads.
Florence Trenchard
Ah! Mon ami, you are to leave us. Good news, or bad?
Harry Vernon
No ship yet, this promises another year of landlubbery. Goes up.
Florence Trenchard
I’m so sorry. Aside. I’m so glad he’s not going away. But where’s Dundreary. Has anybody seen Dundreary?
Enter Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary
Good morning, Miss Florence.
Florence Trenchard
Comes down, L. Good morning, my Lord Dundreary. Who do you think has been here? What does the postman bring?
Lord Dundreary
Well, sometimes he brings a bag with a lock on it, sometimes newspapers, and sometimes letters, I suppothe.
Florence Trenchard
There. Gives letter. Lord Dundreary opens letter and Florence Trenchard goes up R. Lord Dundreary knocks knees against chair, turns round knocks shins, and at last is seated extreme R.
Lord Dundreary
Thank you. Reads letter.
Capt. De Boots
Reading paper. By Jove, old Soloman has made a crop of it.
Lord Dundreary
A—what of it?
Capt. De Boots
I beg pardon, an event I am deeply interested in, that’s all. I beg pardon.
Augusta
Ah! Florence, dear, there’s a letter of yours got among mine. Gives it.
Florence Trenchard
Why papa, it’s from dear brother Ned.
Sir Edward Trenchard
From my boy! Where is he? How is he? Read it.
Florence Trenchard
He writes from Brattleboro’ Vt. Reading written letter. “Quite well, just come in from a shooting excursion, with a party of Crows, splendid fellows, six feet high.”
Lord Dundreary
Birds six feet high, what tremendous animals they must be.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, I see what my brother means; a tribe of indians called Crows, not birds.
Lord Dundreary
Oh, I thought you meant those creatures with wigs on them.
Florence Trenchard
Wigs!
Lord Dundreary
I mean those things that move, breathe and walk, they look like animals with those things. Moving his arms like wings.
Florence Trenchard
Wings.
Lord Dundreary
Birds with wings, that’s the idea.
Florence Trenchard
Reading written letter. “By the by, I have lately come quite haphazard upon the other branch of our family, which emigrated to America at the Restoration. They are now thriving in this State, and discovering our relationship, they received me most hospitably. I have cleared up the mysterious death of old Mark Trenchard.”
Sir Edward Trenchard
Of my uncle!
Florence Trenchard
Reading written letter. “It appears that when he quarreled with his daughter on her marriage with poor Meredith, he came here in search of this stray shoot of the family tree, found them and died in their house, leaving Asa Trenchard, one of the sons, heir to his personal property in England, which ought to belong to poor Mary Meredith. Asa Trenchard is about to sail for the old country, to take possession. I gave him directions to find you out, and he should arrive almost as soon as this letter. Receive him kindly for the sake of the kindness he has shown to me, and let him see some of our shooting. Your affectionate brother, Ned.”
Sir Edward Trenchard
An American branch of the family.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Oh, how interesting!
Augusta
Enthusiastically. How delightfully romantic! I can imagine the wild young hunter. An Apollo of the prairie.
Florence Trenchard
An Apollo of the prairie; yes, with a strong nasal twang, and a decided taste for tobacco and cobblers.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Florence, you forget that he is a Trenchard, and no true Trenchard would have a liking for cobblers or low people of that kind.
Florence Trenchard
I hate him, whatever he is, coming here to rob poor cousin Mary of her grandmother’s guineas.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Florence, how often must I request you not to speak of Mary Meredith as your cousin?
Florence Trenchard
Why, she is my cousin, is she not? Besides she presides over her milk pail like a duchess playing dairymaid. Sir Edward Trenchard goes up. Ah! Papa won’t hear me speak of my poor cousin, and then I’m so fond of syllabubs. Dundreary, do you know what syllabubs are?
Lord Dundreary
Oh, yeth, I know what syllabubs is—yeth—yeth.
Florence Trenchard
Why, I don’t believe you do know what they are.
Lord Dundreary
Not know what syllabubs are? That’s a good idea. Why they are—syllabubs are—they are only babies, idiotic children; that’s a good idea, that’s good. Bumps head against Florence Trenchard.
Florence Trenchard
No, it’s not a bit like the idea. What you mean are called cherubims.
Lord Dundreary
What, those things that look like oranges, with wings on them?
Florence Trenchard
Not a bit like it. Well, after luncheon you must go with me and I’ll introduce you to my cousin Mary and syllabubs.
Lord Dundreary
I never saw Mr. Syllabubs, I am sure.
Florence Trenchard
Well, now, don’t forget.
Lord Dundreary
I never can forget—when I can recollect.
Florence Trenchard
Then recollect that you have an appointment with me after luncheon.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth, yeth.
Florence Trenchard
Well, what have you after luncheon?
Lord Dundreary
Well, sometimes I have a glass of brandy with an egg in it, sometimes a run ’round the duck-pond, sometimes a game of checkers—that’s for exercise, and perhaps a game of billiards.
Florence Trenchard
No, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap—an ap—
Lord Dundreary
An ap—an ap—
Florence Trenchard
An ap—an appoint—appointment.
Lord Dundreary
An ointment, that’s the idea. Knocks against Capt. De Boots as they go upstage.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Aside. That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.
Augusta
Yes, mamma. Exit, L. 1 E.
Mrs. Mountchessington
She is a great sufferer, my dear.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth, but a lonely one.
Florence Trenchard
What sort of a night had she?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Oh, a very refreshing one, thanks to the draught you were kind enough to prescribe for her, Lord Dundreary.
Florence Trenchard
What! Has Lord Dundreary been prescribing for Georgina?
Lord Dundreary
Yeth. You see I gave her a draught that cured the effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn’t pay the doctor’s bill. Didn’t that draught—
Florence Trenchard
Good gracious! what a number of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.
Lord Dundreary
Ha! ha! ha!
Florence Trenchard
What’s the matter?
Lord Dundreary
That wath a joke, that wath.
Florence Trenchard
Where’s the joke? Lord Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs. Mountchessington.
Mrs. Mountchessington
No.
Lord Dundreary
She don’t see it. Don’t you see—a game of drafts—pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That’s the idea. Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a whime.
Florence Trenchard
A whime, what’s that?
Lord Dundreary
A whime is a widdle, you know.
Florence Trenchard
A widdle!
Lord Dundreary
Yeth; one of those things, like—why is so-and-so or somebody like somebody else.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, I see, you mean a conundrum.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth, a drum, that’s the idea. What is it gives a cold in the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor’s bill and makes the home-guard look for substitutes? Florence Trenchard repeats it. Yeth, do you give it up?
Florence Trenchard
Yes.
Lord Dundreary
Well, I’ll tell you—a draught. Now I’ve got a better one that that: When is a dog’s tail not a dog’s tail? Florence Trenchard repeats. During this Florence Trenchard, Mrs. Mountchessington and Lord Dundreary are downstage.
Florence Trenchard
Yes, and willingly.
Lord Dundreary
When it’s a cart. They look at him enquiringly.
Florence Trenchard
Why, what in earth has a dog’s tail to do with a cart?
Lord Dundreary
When it moves about, you know. A horse makes a cart move, so does a dog make his tail move.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, I see what you mean—when it’s a wagon. Wags the letter in her hand.
Lord Dundreary
Well, a wagon and a cart are the same thing, ain’t they! That’s the idea—it’s the same thing.
Florence Trenchard
They are not the same. In the case of your conundrum there’s a very great difference.
Lord Dundreary
Now I’ve got another. Why does a dog waggle his tail?
Florence Trenchard
Upon my word, I never inquired.
Lord Dundreary
Because the tail can’t waggle the dog. Ha! Ha!
Florence Trenchard
Ha! ha! Is that your own, Dundreary?
Lord Dundreary
Now I’ve got one, and this one is original.
Florence Trenchard
No, no, don’t spoil the last one.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth; but this is extremely interesting.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Do you think so, Lord Dundreary?
Lord Dundreary
Yeth. Miss Georgina likes me to tell her my jokes. By the by, talking of that lonely sufferer, isn’t she an interesting invalid? They do say that’s what’s the matter with me. I’m an interesting invalid.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, that accounts for what I have heard so many young ladies say—Florence, dear, don’t you think Lord Dundreary’s extremely interesting? I never knew what they meant before.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth, the doctor recommends me to drink donkey’s milk.
Florence Trenchard
Hiding laugh. Oh, what a clever man he must be. He knows we generally thrive best on our native food. Goes up.
Lord Dundreary
Looking first at Florence Trenchard and then at Mrs. Mountchessington. I’m so weak, and that is so strong. Yes, I’m naturally very weak, and I want strengthening. Yes, I guess I’ll try it.
Enter Augusta. Business with Lord Dundreary, who finally exits and brings on Georgina, L. 1 E.
Lord Dundreary
Look at this lonely sufferer. Bringing on Georgina, seats her on sofa, L. There, repothe yourself.
Georgina
Fanning herself. Thank you, my lord. Everybody is kind to me, and I am so delicate.
Augusta
At table. Captain De Boots, do help to unravel these wools for me, you have such an eye for color.
Florence Trenchard
An eye for color! Yes, especially green.
Lord Dundreary
Screams. Ha! ha! ha!
All
What’s the matter?
Lord Dundreary
Why, that wath a joke, that wath.
Florence Trenchard
Where was the joke?
Lord Dundreary
Especially, ha! ha!
Sir Edward Trenchard
Florence, dear, I must leave you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of business today.
Florence Trenchard
Well, papa, remember I am your little clerk and person of all work.
Sir Edward Trenchard
No, no; this is private business—money matters, my love, which women know nothing about. Aside. Luckily for them. I expect Mr. Coyle today.
Florence Trenchard
Dear papa, how I wish you would get another agent.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Nonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs. His father was agent for the late Baronet. He’s one of the family, almost.
Florence Trenchard
Papa, I have implicit faith in my own judgement of faces. Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Florence, you are ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. Aside. Curse him, I wish I could! Mr. Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of the family.
Enter Mr. Binny, L. 3 E.
Mr. Binny
Mr. Coyle and hagent with papers.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Show him into the library. I will be with him presently. Exit Mr. Binny.
Florence Trenchard
Remember the archery meeting, papa. It is at three.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Yes, yes, I’ll remember. Aside. Pretty time for such levity when ruin stares me in the face. Florence, I leave you as my representative. Aside. Now to prepare myself to meet my Shylock. Exit, R. 1 E.
Florence Trenchard
Why will papa not trust me? Harry Vernon comes down, R. Oh, Harry! I wish he would find out what a lot of pluck and common sense there is in this feather head of mine.
Lord Dundreary
Miss Florence, will you be kind enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of yours.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, about my American cousin; certainly. Aside to Harry Vernon. Let’s have some fun. Well, he’s about 17 feet high!
Lord Dundreary
Good gracious! 17 feet high!
Florence Trenchard
They are all 17 feet high in America, ain’t they, Mr. Vernon?
Harry Vernon
Yes, that’s about the average height.
Florence Trenchard
And they have long black hair that reaches down to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight with—What do they fight with, Mr. Vernon?
Harry Vernon
Tomahawks and scalping knives.
Florence Trenchard
Yes; and you’d better take care, Miss Georgina, or he’ll take his tomahawk and scalping knife and scalp you immediately. Georgina screams and faints.
Lord Dundreary
Here, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not that, she’s pale enough already. Fans her with handkerchief. Georgina, don’t be afraid. Dundreary’s by your side, he will protect you.
Florence Trenchard
Don’t be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is about. Why, he could get three scalps here. Pulls Lord Dundreary’s whiskers. Georgina screams.
Lord Dundreary
Don’t scream, I won’t lose my whiskers. I know what I’ll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the roof of my head on. Ties it on.
Florence Trenchard
Pretending to cry. Goodbye, Dundreary. I’ll never see you again in all your glory.
Lord Dundreary
Don’t cry, Miss Florence, I’m ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk.
Enter Mr. Binny.
Mr. Binny
If you please, Miss, ’ere’s a gent what says he’s hexpected.
Florence Trenchard
What’s his name? Where’s his card?
Mr. Binny
He didn’t tell me his name, Miss, and when I haxed him for his card ’e said ’e had a whole pack in his valise, and if I ’ad a mine ’e’d play me a game of seven hup. He says he has come to stay, and he certainly looks as if he didn’t mean to go.
Florence Trenchard
That’s him. Show him in, Mr. Binny. Exit Mr. Binny, L. 3 E. That’s my American cousin, I know.
Augusta
Romantically. Your American cousin. Oh, how delightfully romantic, isn’t it, Captain De Boots? Comes down. I can imagine the wild young hunter, with the free step and majestic mien of the hunter of the forest.
Asa Trenchard
Outside, L. 3 E. Consarn your picture, didn’t I tell you I was expected? You are as obstinate as Deacon Stumps’ forelock, that wouldn’t lie down and couldn’t stand up. Would’t pint forward and couldn’t go backward.
Enter Asa Trenchard, L. 3 E., carrying a valise.
Asa Trenchard
Where’s the Squire?
Florence Trenchard
Do you mean Sir Edward Trenchard, sir?
Asa Trenchard
Yes.
Florence Trenchard
He is not present, but I am his daughter.
Asa Trenchard
Well, I guess that’ll fit about as well if you tell this darned old shoat to take me to my room.
Florence Trenchard
What does he mean by shoat?
Mr. Binny
Taking valise. He means me, mum; but what he wants—
Asa Trenchard
Hurry up, old hoss!
Mr. Binny
He calls me a ’oss, Miss, I suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an ’ogg.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, darn me if you ain’t the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa Trenchard.
Florence Trenchard
Ah! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you—my brother told us to expect you.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, yes, I guess you do b’long to my family. I’m Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state. You’re my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain’t got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.
Harry Vernon
Sir, how dare you?
Asa Trenchard
Are you one of the family? Cause if you ain’t, you’ve got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn’t be alarmed, I ain’t going to kiss you. Here’s your young man’s letter. Gives letter and attempts to kiss her.
Florence Trenchard
In the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are welcome, there is mine. Gives her hand, which he shakes heartily.
Asa Trenchard
That’ll do about as well. I won’t kiss you if you don’t want me to; but if you did, I wouldn’t stop on account of that sailor man. Business of Harry Vernon threatening Asa Trenchard. Oh! now you needn’t get your back up. What an all-fired chap you are. Now if you’ll have me shown to my room, I should like to fix up a bit and put on a clean buzzom. All start. Why, what on earth is the matter with you all? I only spoke because you’re so all-fired go-to-meeting like.
Florence Trenchard
Show Mr. Trenchard to the red room, Mr. Binny, that is if you are done with it, Mr. Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth, Miss Florence. The room and I have got through with each other, yeth.
Asa Trenchard and Lord Dundreary see each other for the first time. Business of recognition, ad lib.
Asa Trenchard
Concentrated essence of baboons, what on earth is that?
Lord Dundreary
He’s mad. Yes, Miss Florence, I’ve done with that room. The rooks crowed so that they racked my brain.
Asa Trenchard
You don’t mean to say that you’ve got any brains.
Lord Dundreary
No, sir, such a thing never entered my head. The wed indians want to scalp me. Holding hands to his head.
Florence Trenchard
The red room, then, Mr. Binny.
Asa Trenchard
To Mr. Binny. Hold on! Examines him. Wal, darn me, but you keep your help in all-fired good order here. Feels of him. This old shoat is fat enough to kill. Hits Mr. Binny in stomach. Mr. Binny runs off, L. 2 E. Mind how you go up stairs, old hoss, or you’ll bust your biler. Exit, L. 3 E.
Lord Dundreary
Now he thinks Mr. Binny’s an engine and has got a boiler.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, what fun!
Mrs. Mountchessington
Old Mark Trenchard died very rich, did he not, Florence?
Florence Trenchard
Very rich, I believe.
Augusta
He’s not at all romantic, is he, mamma?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Aside to her. My dear, I have no doubt he has solid good qualities, and I don’t want you to laugh at him like Florence Trenchard.
Augusta
No, mamma, I won’t.
Florence Trenchard
But what are we to do with him?
Lord Dundreary
Ha! Ha! ha!
All
What is the matter?
Lord Dundreary
I’ve got an idea.
Florence Trenchard
Oh! let’s hear Dundreary’s idea.
Lord Dundreary
It’s so seldom I get an idea that when I do get one it startles me. Let us get a pickle bottle.
Florence Trenchard
Pickle bottle! All come down.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth; one of those things with glass sides.
Enter Asa Trenchard, L. 2 E.
Florence Trenchard
Oh! you mean a glass case.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth, a glass case, that’s the idea, and let us put this Mr. Thomas Hawk in it, and have him on exhibition. That’s the idea.
Asa Trenchard
Down L. of Florence Trenchard, overhearing. Oh! that’s your idea, is it? Wal, stranger, I don’t know what they’re going to do with me, but wherever they do put me, I hope it will be out of the reach of a jackass. I’m a real hoss, I am, and I get kinder riley with those critters.
Lord Dundreary
Now he thinks he’s a horse. I’ve heard of a great jackass, and I dreampt of a jackass, but I don’t believe there is any such insect.
Florence Trenchard
Well, cousin, I hope you made yourself comfortable.
Asa Trenchard
Well, no, I can’t say as I did. You see there was so many all-fired fixins in my room I couldn’t find anything I wanted.
Florence Trenchard
What was it you couldn’t find in your room?
Asa Trenchard
There was no soft soap.
Capt. De Boots
Soft soap!
Augusta
Soft soap!
Harry Vernon
Soft soap!
Mrs. Mountchessington
Soft soap!
Florence Trenchard
Soft soap!
Georgina
On sofa. Soft soap!
Lord Dundreary
Thoft thoap?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, soft soap. I reckon you know what that is. However, I struck a pump in the kitchen, slicked my hair down a little, gave my boots a lick of grease, and now I feel quite handsome; but I’m everlastingly dry.
Florence Trenchard
You’ll find ale, wine and luncheon on the side table.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I don’t know as I’ve got any appetite. You see comin’ along on the cars I worried down half a dozen ham sandwiches, eight or ten boiled eggs, two or three pumpkin pies and a string of cold sausages—and—Wal, I guess I can hold on till dinnertime.
Lord Dundreary
Did that illustrious exile eat all that? I wonder where he put it?
Asa Trenchard
I’m as dry as a sap-tree in August.
Mr. Binny
Throwing open, E. D. Luncheon!
Asa Trenchard
Goes hastily up to table. Wal, I don’t want to speak out too plain, but this is an awful mean set out for a big house like this.
Florence Trenchard
Why, what’s wrong, sir?
Asa Trenchard
Why, there’s no mush!
Asa Trenchard
Nary slapjack.
Lord Dundreary
Why, does he want Mary to slap Jack?
Asa Trenchard
No pork and beans!
Lord Dundreary
Pork’s been here, but he’s left.
Asa Trenchard
And where on airth’s the clam chowder?
Lord Dundreary
Where is clam chowder? He’s never here when he’s wanted.
Asa Trenchard
Drinks and spits. Here’s your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and I’ll show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the fixins.
All
Fixins?
Florence Trenchard
What do you mean by fixins?
Asa Trenchard
Why, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. We’ll make them all useful.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, I’ll hurry up the fixins. What fun! Exit, R.
Lord Dundreary
Oh! I thought he meant the gas fixins.
Asa Trenchard
Say, you, you Mr. Puffy, you run out and get me a bunch of mint and a bundle of straws; hurry up, old hoss. Exit Mr. Binny, L. 3 E., indignantly. Say, Mr. Sailor man, just help me down with this table. Oh! don’t you get riley, you and I ran against each other when I came in, but we’ll be friends yet. Harry Vernon helps him with table to C.
Enter Florence Trenchard, followed by servants in livery; they carry a case of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight glasses, two or three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Mr. Binny enters with a bunch of mint and a few straws.
Florence Trenchard
Here, cousin, are the fixins.
Asa Trenchard
That’s yer sort. Now then, I’ll give you all a drink that’ll make you squeal. To Mr. Binny. Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. I’ll give that sick gal a drink that’ll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.
Lord Dundreary
Screams. What a horrible idea. Runs about stage.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, don’t mind him! That’s only an American joke.
Lord Dundreary
A joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eel’s skin?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, I’ll give you a drink that’ll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen, what’ll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey Lightning?
Augusta
Oh, I want a Mint Julep.
Capt. De Boots
Give me a Gin Cocktail.
Florence Trenchard
I’ll take a Sherry Cobbler.
Harry Vernon
Brandy Smash for me.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Give me a Whiskey Skin.
Georgina
I’ll take a Lemonade.
Lord Dundreary
Give me a Jersey Lightning.
Asa Trenchard
Give him a Jersey Lightning. As Lord Dundreary drinks. Warranted to kill at forty rods. Lord Dundreary falls back on Mrs. Mountchessington and Georgina.
Closed in.