Scene 3 + 

Chamber in 3. at Trenchard Manor. Large shower bath near R. 3 E. Toilet table with draw, L. 2 E. Small bottle in draw with red sealing wax on cork. + 

Asa Trenchard discovered seated, R. with foot on table, smoking a cigar. Valise on floor in front of him. Mr. Binny discovered standing by his side. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, I guess I begin to feel kinder comfortable here in this place, if it wan’t for this tarnal fat critter. He don’t seem to have any work to do, but swells out his big bosom like an old turkey-cock in laying time. I do wonder what he’s here for? Do they think I mean to absquatulate with the spoons? Mr. Binny attempts to take valise⁠—Asa Trenchard puts his foot on it. Let that sweat. That’s my plunder. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Will you have the kindness to give me your keys, hif you please, sir? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

What do you want with my keys? + 

Mr. Binny + 

To put your things away in the wardrobe, sir. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, I calculate if my two shirts, three bosoms, four collars, and two pair of socks were to get into that everlasting big bunk, they’d think themselves so all-fired small I should never be able to crawl into them again. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Will you take a baath before you dress? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Take a baath? + 

Mr. Binny + 

A baath. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

I suppose you mean a bath. Wal, man, I calkalate I ain’t going to expose myself to the shakes by getting into cold water in this cruel cold climate of yours, so make tracks. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Make what? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Vamose! + 

Mr. Binny + 

Make vamose! + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Absquatulate. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Ab⁠—what sir? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Skedaddle. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Skedaddle? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Oh! get out. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Oh! Going. If you are going to dress you’ll want some hassistance. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Assistance! what to get out of my unmentionables and into them again? Wal, ’spose I do, what then? + 

Mr. Binny + 

Just ring the bell, hi’ll hattend you. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

All right, come along. Mr. Binny going. Hold on, say, I may want to yawn presently and I shall want somebody to shut my mouth. Mr. Binny hurries off, L. 1 E. Wal, now I am alone, I can look about me and indulge the enquiring spirit of an American citizen. What an everlasting lot of things and fixins there is to be sure. Opens table draw. Here’s a place will hold my plunder beautifully. Sees bottle. Hallo, what’s this? Comes down. Something good to drink. Smells bottle. It smells awful bad. Reads label. Golden Fluid, one application turns the hair a beautiful brown, several applications will turn the hair a lustrous black. Well, if they keep on it may turn a pea green. I reckon this has been left here by some fellow who is ashamed of the natural color of his top knot. Knock. Come in. + 

Enter Mr. Binny, L. 1 E. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Mr. Buddicombe, sir, my lord’s hown man. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Roll him in. Mr. Binny beckons, enter Mr. Buddicombe. Turkey cock number two, what is it? + 

Mr. Buddicombe + 

My Lord Dundreary’s compliments and have you seen a small bottle in the toilet table drawer? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Suppose I had, what then? + 

Mr. Buddicombe + 

My lord wants it particly. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Was it a small bottle? + 

Mr. Buddicombe + 

A small bottle. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Bottle small. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Blue label? + 

Mr. Binny + 

Label blue. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Red sealing wax on the top? + 

Mr. Buddicombe + 

Red sealing wax. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Wax red. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Nice little bottle? + 

Mr. Binny + 

Little bottle nice. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, I ain’t seen it. Aside. If my lord sets a valley on it, guess it must be worth something. + 

Mr. Buddicombe + 

Sorry to trouble you, sir. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Aside to Mr. Buddicombe. What his hit? + 

Mr. Buddicombe + 

My lord’s hair dye, the last bottle, and he turns red tomorrow. Exit in haste. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Orrable, what an hawful situation, to be sure. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Aside. So I’ve got my ring on that lord’s nose, and if I don’t make him dance to my tune it’s a pity. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Miss Florence begged me to say she had borrowed a costume for you, for the harchery meeting, sir. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Hain’t you dropped something? + 

Mr. Binny + 

Where? + 

Asa Trenchard + 

What do you mean by the harchery meeting? + 

Mr. Binny + 

Where they shoot with bows and harrows. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

There goes another of them, oh! you need’nt look for them, you can’t find ’em when you want ’em. Now you just take my compliments to Miss Trenchard when I goes out shooting with injurious weapons I always wears my own genuine shooting costume. That’s the natural buff tipped off with a little red paint. + 

Mr. Binny + 

Good gracious, he’d look like Hadam and Heve, in the garden of Eden. Exit Mr. Binny. + 

Asa Trenchard + 

Wal, there’s a queer lot of fixings. Sees shower bath. What on airth is that? Looks like a ’skeeter net, only it ain’t long enough for a feller to lay down in unless he was to coil himself up like a woodchuck in a knot hole. I’d just like to know what the all-fired thing is meant for. Calls. Say Puffy, Puffy, Oh! he told me if I wanted him to ring the bell. Looks round room. Where on airth is the bell? Slips partly inside shower bath, pulls rope, water comes down. Murder! help! fire! Water! I’m drown. + 

Enter Skillet, Sharpe, R. 1 E. Mr. Binny, Mr. Buddicombe, L. 1 E., seeing Asa Trenchard, all laugh, and keep it up till curtain falls. + 

Curtain. + 