Act
III
Scene 1
Dairy set as before in Act 2nd, Scene 2.
Asa Trenchard discovered on bench, R. C., whittling stick. Mary busy with milk pans in dairy.
Asa Trenchard
Miss Mary, I wish you’d leave off those everlasting dairy fixings, and come and take a hand of chat along with me.
Mary
What, and leave my work? Why, when you first came here, you thought I could not be too industrious.
Asa Trenchard
Well, I think so yet, Miss Mary, but I’ve got a heap to say to you, and I never can talk while you’re moving about so spry among them pans, pails and cheeses. First you raise one hand and then the other, and well, it takes the gumption right out of me.
Mary
Brings sewing down. Well, then, I’ll sit here—sits on bench with Asa Trenchard, vis-à-vis. Well now, will that do?
Asa Trenchard
Well, no, Miss Mary, that won’t do, neither; them eyes of yourn takes my breath away.
Mary
What will I do, then?
Asa Trenchard
Well, I don’t know, Miss Mary, but, darn me, if you could do anything that wasn’t so tarnal neat and handsome, that a fellow would want to keep on doing nothing else all the time.
Mary
Well, then, I’ll go away. Rises.
Asa Trenchard
Stopping her. No, don’t do that, Miss Mary, for then I’ll be left in total darkness. She sits. Somehow I feel kinder lost, if I haven’t got you to talk to. Now that I’ve got the latitude and longitude of all them big folks, found out the length of every lady’s foot, and the soft spot on everybody’s head, they can’t teach me nothing; but here, Whittling here I come to school.
Mary
Then throw away that stick, and put away your knife, like a good boy. Throws away stick upstage. I must cure you of that dreadful trick of whittling.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, if you only knew how it helps me to keep my eyes off you, Miss Mary.
Mary
But you needn’t keep your eyes off me.
Asa Trenchard
I’m afraid I must, my eyes are awful tale-tellers, and they might be saying something you wouldn’t like to hear, and that might make you mad, and then you’d shut up school, and send me home feeling about as small as a tadpole with his tail bobbed off.
Mary
Don’t be alarmed, I don’t think I will listen to any tales that your eyes may tell unless they’re tales I like and ought to hear.
Asa Trenchard
If I thought they’d tell any other, Miss Mary, I pluck them right out and throw them in the first turnip patch I came to.
Mary
And now tell me more about your home in America. Do you know I’ve listened to your stories until I’m half a backwoodsman’s wife already?
Asa Trenchard
Aside. Wouldn’t I like to make her a whole one.
Mary
Yes, I can shut my eyes and almost fancy I see your home in the backwoods. There are your two sisters running about in their sunbonnets.
Asa Trenchard
Debby and Nan? Yes!
Mary
Then I can see the smoke curling from the chimney, then men and boys working in the fields.
Asa Trenchard
Yes.
Mary
The girls milking the cows, and everybody so busy.
Asa Trenchard
Yes.
Mary
And then at night, home come your four big brothers from the hunt laden with game, tired and footsore, and covered with snow.
Asa Trenchard
That’s so.
Mary
Then how we lasses bustle about to prepare supper. The fire blazes on the hearth, while your good old mother cooks the slapjacks.
Asa Trenchard
Getting very excited. Yes.
Mary
And then after supper the lads and lasses go to a corn husking. The demijohn of old peach brandy is brought out and everything is so nice.
Asa Trenchard
I shall faint in about five minutes, Miss Mary you’re a darned sight too good for this country. You ought to make tracks.
Mary
Make what?
Asa Trenchard
Make tracks, pack up, and emigrate to the roaring old state of Vermont, and live ’long with mother. She’d make you so comfortable, and there would be sister Debby and Nab, and well, I reckon I’d be there, too.
Mary
Oh! I’m afraid if I were there your mother would find the poor English girl a sad incumbrance.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, she ain’t proud, not a mite, besides they’ve all seen Britishers afore.
Mary
I suppose you allude to my cousin, Edward Trenchard?
Asa Trenchard
Well, he wan’t the only one, there was the old Squire, Mark Trenchard.
Mary
Starting Aside. My grandfather!
Asa Trenchard
Oh! he was a fine old hoss, as game as a bison bull, and as gray as a coon in the fall; you see he was kinder mad with his folks here, so he came over to America to look after the original branch of the family, that’s our branch. We’re older than the Trenchard’s on this side of the water. Yes we’ve got the start of the heap.
Mary
Tell me, Mr. Trenchard, did he never receive any letters from his daughter?
Asa Trenchard
Oh yes, lots of them, but the old cuss never read them, though. He chucked them in the fire as soon as he made out who they come from.
Mary
Aside. My poor mother.
Asa Trenchard
You see, as nigh as we could reckon it up, she had gone and got married again his will, and that made him mad, and well, he was a queer kind of a rusty fusty old coon, and it appeared that he got older, and rustier, and fustier and coonier every fall, you see it always took him in the fall, it was too much for him. He got took down with the ague, he was so bad the doctors gave him up, and mother she went for a minister, and while she was gone the old man called me in his room, “come in, Asa Trenchard, boy,” says he, and his voice rang loud and clear as a bell, “come in,” says he. Well I comed in; “sit down,” says he; well I sot down. You see I was always a favorite with the old man. “Asa Trenchard, my boy,” says he, takin’ a great piece of paper, “when I die, this sheet of paper makes you heir to all my property in England.” Well, you can calculate I pricked up my ears about that time, bime-by the minister came, and I left the room, and I do believe he had a three day’s fight with the devil, for that old man’s soul, but he got the upper hand of satan at last, and when the minister had gone the old man called me into his room again. The old Squire was sitting up in his bed, his face as pale as the sheet that covered him, his silken hair flowing in silvery locks from under his red cap, and the tears rolling from his large blue eyes down his furrowed cheek, like two mill streams. Will you excuse my lighting a cigar? For the story is a long, awful moving, and I don’t think I could get on without a smoke. Strikes match. “Wal,” says he to me, and his voice was not as loud as it was afore—it was like the whisper of the wind in a pine forest, low and awful. “Asa Trenchard, boy,” said he, “I feel that I’ve sinned in hardening my heart against my own flesh and blood, but I will not wrong the last that is left of them; give me the light,” says he. Wal I gave him the candle that stood by his bedside, and he took the sheet of paper I was telling you of, just as I might take this. Takes will from pocket. And he twisted it up as I might this, Lights will and he lights it just this way, and he watched it burn slowly and slowly away. Then, says he, “Asa Trenchard, boy that act disinherits you, but it leaves all my property to one who has a better right to it. My own daughter’s darling child, Mary Meredith,” and then he smiled, sank back upon his pillow, drew a long sigh as if he felt relieved, and that was the last of poor old Mark Trenchard.
Mary
Poor Grandfather. Buries her face and sobs.
Asa Trenchard
After business. Wal, I guess I’d better leave her alone. Sees half-burned will. There lies four hundred thousand dollars, if there’s a cent. Asa Trenchard, boy, you’re a hoss. Starts off, R. 1 C.
Mary
To me, all to me. Oh Mr. Trenchard, how we have all wronged poor grandfather. What, gone? He felt after such tidings, he felt I should be left alone—who would suspect there was such delicacy under that rough husk, but I can hardly believe the startling news—his heiress—I, the penniless orphan of an hour ago, no longer penniless, but, alas, an orphan still, Enter Florence Trenchard with none to share my wealth, none to love me.
Florence Trenchard
Throwing arms around Mary’s neck. What treason is this, Mary, no one to love you, eh, what’s the matter? You’ve been weeping, and I met that American Savage coming from here; he has not been rude to you?
Mary
On no, he’s the gentlest of human beings, but he has just told me news that has moved me strangely.
Florence Trenchard
What is it, love?
Mary
That all grandfather’s property is mine, mine, Florence, do you understand?
Florence Trenchard
What! he has popped, has he? I thought he would.
Mary
Who do you mean?
Florence Trenchard
Who? Asa Trenchard, to be sure.
Mary
Asa Trenchard, why, what put that in your head?
Florence Trenchard
Why how can Mark Trenchard’s property be yours, unless you marry the legatee.
Mary
The legatee? Who?
Florence Trenchard
Why, you know Mark Trenchard left everything to Asa Trenchard.
Mary
No, no, you have been misinformed.
Florence Trenchard
Nonsence, he showed it to me, not an hour ago on a half sheet of rough paper just like this. Sees will. Like this. Picks it up. Why this is part of it, I believe.
Mary
That’s the paper he lighted his cigar with.
Florence Trenchard
Then he lighted his cigar with 80,000 pounds. Here is old Mark Trenchard’s signature.
Mary
Yes, I recognize the hand.
Florence Trenchard
And here are the words “Asa Trenchard, in consideration of sole heir”—etc.—etc.—etc.
Mary
Oh Florence, what does this mean?
Florence Trenchard
It means that he is a true hero, and he loves you, you little rogue. Embraces her.
Mary
Generous man. Hides face in Florence Trenchard’s bosom.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, won’t I convict him, now. I’ll find him at once.
Runs off, R. 3 E., Mary after her calling Florence!!! Florence!!! as scene closes.
Scene 2
Chamber as before.
Enter Mrs. Mountchessington, and Augusta, L. 1 E.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Yes, my child, while Mr. De Boots and Mr. Trenchard are both here, you must ask yourself seriously, as to the state of your affections, remember, your happiness for life will depend upon the choice you make.
Augusta
What would you advise, mamma? You know I am always advised by you.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Dear, obedient child. De Boots has excellent expectations, but then they are only expectations after all. This American is rich, and on the whole I think a well regulated affection ought to incline to Asa Trenchard.
Augusta
Very well, mamma.
Mrs. Mountchessington
At the same time, you must be cautious, or in grasping at Asa Trenchard’s solid good qualities, you may miss them, and De Boots expectations into the bargain.
Augusta
Oh, I will take care not to give up my hold on poor De Boots ’till I am quite sure of the American.
Mrs. Mountchessington
That’s my own girl. Enter Asa Trenchard L. Ah, Mr. Trenchard, we were just talking of your archery powers.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I guess shooting with bows and arrows is just about like most things in life, all you’ve got to do is keep the sun out of your eyes, look straight—pull strong—calculate the distance, and you’re sure to hit the mark in most things as well as shooting.
Augusta
But not in England, Mr. Trenchard. There are disinterested hearts that only ask an opportunity of showing how they despise that gold, which others set such store by.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I suppose there are, Miss Gusty.
Augusta
All I crave is affection.
Asa Trenchard
Crosses to C. Do you, now? I wish I could make sure of that, for I’ve been cruelly disappointed in that particular.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Yes, but we are old friends, Mr. Trenchard, and you needn’t be afraid of us.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, I ain’t afraid of you—both on you together.
Mrs. Mountchessington
People sometimes look a great way off, for that which is near at hand. Glancing at Augusta and Asa Trenchard alternatively.
Asa Trenchard
You don’t mean, Miss Gusta. Augusta casts sheeps eyes at him. Now, don’t look at me in that way. I can’t stand it, if you do, I’ll bust.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Oh, if you only knew how refreshing this ingenuousness of yours is to an old woman of the world like me.
Asa Trenchard
Be you an old woman of the world?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Yes, sir.
Augusta
Oh yes.
Asa Trenchard
Well I don’t doubt it in the least. Aside. This gal and the old woman are trying to get me on a string. Aloud. Wal, then, if a rough spun fellow like me was to come forward as a suitor for you daughter’s hand, you wouldn’t treat me as some folks do, when they find out I wasn’t heir to the fortune.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Not heir to the fortune, Mr. Trenchard?
Asa Trenchard
Oh, no.
Augusta
What, no fortune?
Asa Trenchard
Nary red, it all comes to their barkin up the wrong tree about the old man’s property.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Which he left to you.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, no.
Augusta
Not to you?
Asa Trenchard
No, which he meant to leave to me, but he thought better on it, and left it to his granddaughter Miss Mary Meredith.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Miss Mary Meredith! Oh, I’m delighted.
Augusta
Delighted?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, you both look tickled to death. Now, some gals, and mothers would go away from a fellow when they found that out, but you don’t valley fortune, Miss Gusty?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Aside, crosses to Augusta. My love, you had better go.
Asa Trenchard
You crave affection, you do. Now I’ve no fortune, but I’m filling over with affections which I’m ready to pour out all over you like apple sass, over roast pork.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Mr. Trenchard, you will please recollect you are addressing my daughter, and in my presence.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, I’m offering her my heart and hand just as she wants them with nothing in ’em.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Augusta, dear, to your room.
Augusta
Yes, ma, the nasty beast. Exit R.
Mrs. Mountchessington
I am aware, Mr. Trenchard, you are not used to the manners of good society, and that, alone, will excuse the impertinence of which you have been guilty.
Asa Trenchard
Don’t know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal—you sockdologizing old mantrap. Wal, now, when I think what I’ve thrown away in hard cash today I’m apt to call myself some awful hard names, 400,000 dollars is a big pile for a man to light his cigar with. If that gal had only given me herself in exchange, it wouldn’t have been a bad bargain. But I dare no more ask that gal to be my wife, than I dare ask Queen Victoria to dance a Cape Cod reel.
Enter Florence Trenchard, L. 1 E.
Florence Trenchard
What do you mean by doing all these dreadful things?
Asa Trenchard
Which things.
Florence Trenchard
Come here sir. He does so.
Asa Trenchard
What’s the matter?
Florence Trenchard
Do you know this piece of paper? Showing burnt paper.
Asa Trenchard
Well I think I have seen it before. Aside. Its old Mark Trenchard’s will that I left half burned up like a landhead, that I am.
Florence Trenchard
And you’re determined to give up this fortune to Mary Meredith?
Asa Trenchard
Well, I couldn’t help it if I tried.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, don’t say that.
Asa Trenchard
I didn’t mean to do it when I first came here—hadn’t the least idea in the world of it, but when I saw that everlasting angel of a gal movin around among them doing fixins like a sunbeam in a shady place; and when I pictured her without a dollar in the world—I—well my old Adam riz right up, and I said, “Asa Trenchard do it”—and I did it.
Florence Trenchard
Well, I don’t know who your old Adam may be, but whoever it is, he’s a very honest man to consult you to do so good an action. But how dare you do such an outrageous thing? you impudent—you unceremonious, oh! you unselfish man! you! you, you! Smothers him with kisses, and runs off, R. 1 E.
Asa Trenchard
Well, if that ain’t worth four hundred thousand dollars, I don’t know what is, it was sweeter than sweet cider right out of the bung hole. Let me see how things stand round here. Thanks to old whiskers I’ve got that ship for the sailor man, and that makes him and Miss Florence all hunk. Then there’s that darned old Mr. Coyle. Well I guess me and old Murcott can fix his flint for him. Then there’s—Looks off, L. Christopher Columbus, here comes Mary.
Enter Mary, L. 1 E.
Mary
Mr. Trenchard, what can I say to you but offer you my lifelong gratitude.
Asa Trenchard
Don’t now, Miss, don’t—
Mary
If I knew what else to offer. Heaven knows there is nothing that is mine to give that I would keep back.
Asa Trenchard
Give me yourself. Business. I know what a rude, ill-mannered block I am; but there’s a heart inside me worth something, if it’s only for the sake of your dear little image, that’s planted right plump in the middle of it.
Mary
Asa Trenchard, there is my hand, and my heart is in it.
Asa Trenchard
Seizes here hand, then drops it suddenly. Miss Mary, I made what folks call a big sacrifice for you, this morning. Oh! I know it, I ain’t so modest, but that I know it. Now what’s this you’re doing? Is this sacrifice you are making out of gratitude for me? Cause if it is, I wouldn’t have it, though not to have it would nigh break my heart, tough as it is.
Mary
No, no, I give myself freely to you—as freely as you, this morning, gave my grandfather’s property to me.
Asa Trenchard
Say it again, last of hope and blessed promise. Clasps her in his arms. Mary, there’s something tells me that you’ll not repent it. I’m rough, Mary, awful rough, but you needn’t fear that I’ll ever be rough to you. I’ve camped out in the woods, Mary, often and often, and seen the bears at play with their cubs in the moonlight, the glistening teeth, that would tear the hunter, was harmless to them; the big strong claws that would peel a man’s head, as a knife would a pumpkin, was as soft for them as velvet cushions, and that’s what I’ll be with you, my own little wife; and if ever harm does come to you, it must come over the dead body of Asa Trenchard.
Mary
I know it Asa Trenchard; and if I do not prove a true and loving wife to you; may my mother’s bright spirit never look down to bless her child.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, if I don’t get out in the air, I’ll bust. Exit hastily R. 1 E. pulling Mary after him.
Enter Mr. Binny, L. 1 E. Drunk.
Mr. Binny
Calling. Mr. H’Asa Trenchard, Mr. H’Asa Trenchard! Oh he’s gone; well, I suppose he’ll come back to keep his happointment. Mr. Coyle’s quite impatient. It isn’t hoften that han hamerican has the run of the wine cellars of Trenchard Manor, and in such company, too. There’s me and Mr. Coyle, which is a good judge of old port wine, and he knows it when he drinks; and his clerk, Mr. Murcott, which I don’t hexactly like sitting down with clerks. But Mr. H’Asa Trenchard wished it and Mr. Coyle hadn’t any objections, so in course I put my feelings in my pocket, besides, Murcott is a man of hedication, though unfortunately taken to drink. Well, what of that, it’s been many a man’s misfortune, though I say it, what shouldn’t say it, being a butler. But now to join my distinguished party. Exit, R. 1 E.
Scene 3
Wine cellar in 3.
Mr. Coyle, Abel Murcott and Mr. Binny discovered. Table L., with two cups and bottles. Mr. Coyle L. of table, seated. Mr. Binny back of table. Abel Murcott sitting on barrel, R. Door in flat with staircase discovered, dark. Stage half dark. Candles on table, lighted.
Mr. Coyle
A capital glass of wine, Mr. Binny, and a capital place to drink it.
Asa Trenchard
Without. Bring a light here, can’t you. I’ve broken my natural allowance of shins already.
Enters D. in F., down stairs.
Asa Trenchard
To Abel Murcott. Is he tight yet?
Abel Murcott
Histered, but not quite gone yet.
Mr. Coyle
Oh, Mr. Trenchard, glad to see you, to welcome you to the vaults of your ancestors.
Asa Trenchard
Oh! these are the vaults of my ancestors, are they? Wal, you seem to be punishing their spirits pretty well.
Mr. Binny
Wines, Mr. Asa Trenchard? The spirits are in the houter cellar.
Mr. Coyle
Oh, Mr. Asa Trenchard, there is no place like a wine cellar for a hearty bout. Here you might bawl yourself hoarse beneath these ribs of stone, and nobody hear you. He shouts and sings very loud.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, wouldn’t they hear you? Aside. That’s worth knowing.
Mr. Binny
Very drunk—rising. That’s right, Mr. Coyle, make as much noise as you like, you are in the cellars of Trenchard Manor, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle, bless you, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle, why his hit Mr. Coyle, I am sitting at the present time, in this present distinguished company? I will tell you, Mr. Coyle, hit his because Hi always hacts and conducts myself has becomes a gentleman, hand Hi knows what’s due to manners. Falls in chair.
Asa Trenchard
Steady, old hoss, steady.
Mr. Binny
Hi’m steady. Hi always was steady. Staggers across to L. H. Hi’m going to fetch clean glasses. Exit, L. 3 R.
Asa Trenchard
Now, Mr. Coyle, suppose you give us a song.
Mr. Coyle
Very drunk. I can’t sing, Mr. Trenchard, but I sometimes join in the chorus.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, give us a chorus.
Mr. Coyle
Will you assist in the vocalization thereof?
Asa Trenchard
Mimicing. Will do the best of my endeavors thereunto.
Mr. Coyle
Sings. “We won’t go home till morning.” Repeat. Repeat. Falls off chair, senseless.
Asa Trenchard
Finishing the strain. “I don’t think you’ll go home at all.” Now, then, quick, Murcott, before the butler comes back, get his keys. Abel Murcott gets keys from Mr. Coyle’s pocket and throws them to Asa Trenchard. Is this all?
Abel Murcott
No; the key of his private bureau is on his watch chain, and I can’t get it off.
Asa Trenchard
Take watch and all.
Abel Murcott
No; he will accuse us of robbing him.
Asa Trenchard
Never mind, I’ll take the responsibility. Mr. Coyle moves.
Abel Murcott
He is getting up.
Asa Trenchard
Well, darn me, knock him down again.
Abel Murcott
I can’t.
Asa Trenchard
Can’t you? Well, I can.
Pulls Abel Murcott away. Knocks Mr. Coyle down; is going towards D. in F., meets Mr. Binny with tray and glasses; kicks it, knocks Mr. Binny down and exits up staircase, followed by Abel Murcott, carrying candle. Dark state. Mr. Binny rises; Mr. Coyle ditto. Blindly encounter each other and pummel soundly till change.
Quick change.
Scene 4
Chamber in 1, same as Scene 2.
Enter Lord Dundreary and Harry Vernon, L. 1 E. Lord Dundreary stops, C., and is seized with an inclination to sneeze. Motions with his hand to Harry Vernon.
Harry Vernon
My lord! Business Lord Dundreary sneezing. Your lordship! Lord Dundreary same business. Louder. My lord!
Lord Dundreary
There you go; now you’ve spoiled it.
Harry Vernon
Spoiled what, my lord?
Lord Dundreary
Spoiled what? why a most magnificent sneeze.
Harry Vernon
I’m very sorry to interrupt your lordship’s sneeze, but I merely wanted to express my gratitude to you for getting me a ship.
Lord Dundreary
Sir, I don’t want your gratitude, I only want to sneeze.
Harry Vernon
Very well, my lord, then I will leave you, and this gives you an opportunity for sneezing. Crosses to R. But in return for what you have done for me, should you ever want a service a sailor can offer you, just hail Harry Vernon, and you’ll find he’ll weigh anchor and be alongside. Hitches up breeches and exits, R. 1 E.
Lord Dundreary
Find him alongside? What does he mean by a long side? and he always wants to weigh anchor. What funny fellows the sailors are. Why the devil won’t they keep a memorandum of the weight of their anchor? What’s the matter with the sailor’s side? Imitates Harry Vernon. Oh I see, he’s got the stomachache. Exit, R. 1 E.
Scene 5
Library in Trenchard Manor in 3 or 4.
Enter Mr. Buddicombe, R. 1 E., following Lord Dundreary.
Mr. Buddicombe
A letter, my lord.
Lord Dundreary
Takes letter. You may go. Exit Mr. Buddicombe, R. 1 E. Opens letter. “My dear Frederick.” He calls me Frederick because my name is Robert. “I wrote you on my arrival.” Why, I never heard from him. “But I am afraid you didn’t get the letter, because I put no name on the envelope.” That’s the reason why I didn’t get it, but who did get it? It must have been some fellow without any name. “My dear brother, the other day a rap came to my door, and some fellows came in and proposed a quiet game of porker.” A quiet game of porker, why, they wanted to kill him with a poker. “I consented and got stuck—” Sam’s dead, I’ve got a dead lunatic for a brother—“for the drinks.” He got on the other side of the paper, why couldn’t he get stuck all on one side. “P.S.—If you don’t get this letter let me know, for I shall feel anxious.” He’s a mad lunatic. Exit, R. 1 E.
Change scene.
Scene 6
Mr. Coyle’s Office in 2. High desk and stool, R. Modern box center against flat. Cabinet, L.
Asa Trenchard discovered looking over papers on box. Abel Murcott looking in desk.
Asa Trenchard
Have you found it?
Abel Murcott
No, Mr. Trenchard. I’ve searched all the drawers but can find no trace of it.
Asa Trenchard
What’s this?
Abel Murcott
That’s a cabinet where his father kept old deeds, the key he always carries about him.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, he does, does he? Well I reckon I saw a key as I came in that will open it. Exit, R. 1 E.
Abel Murcott
Key, oh, my poor muddled brain, what can he mean!
Asa Trenchard
Reenters with axe. Here’s a key that will open any lock that Hobb ever invented.
Abel Murcott
Key? what key?
Asa Trenchard
What key, why, Yankee. Shows axe, begins to break open Cabinet.
Enter Mr. Coyle, R. 2 E.
Mr. Coyle
Villains! would you rob me?
Abel Murcott
Stand off, Mr. Coyle, we are desperate. Now seizes him.
Asa Trenchard
Here it is a sure as there are snakes in Virginia. Let the old cuss go, Murcott.
Mr. Coyle
Burglars! oh, you shall dearly pay for this.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, I’ll pay—but I guess you’ll find the change.
Mr. Coyle
The law—the law shall aid me.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, perhaps it would be as well not to call in the law just yet. It might look a little further than might be convenient.
Abel Murcott
It’s no use to blunder, Mr. Coyle, you are harmless to us now, for we have that, that will crush you.
Mr. Coyle
Well, what are your conditions? money, how much?
Asa Trenchard
Wal, we warn’t thinking of coming down on your dollars. But you have an appointment with Sir Edward at two, haven’t you?
Mr. Coyle
Well?
Asa Trenchard
Well, I want you to keep that appointment.
Mr. Coyle
Keep it?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, and that’s all I do want you to keep of his, and instead of saying you have come to foreclose the mortgage, I want you to say, you have found the release which proves the mortgage to have been paid off.
Mr. Coyle
I accept. Is that all?
Asa Trenchard
Not quite. Then I want you to pay off the execution debts.
Mr. Coyle
What, I pay Sir Edward’s debts?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, with Sir Edward’s money that stuck to your fingers naturally while passing through your hands.
Mr. Coyle
To Abel Murcott. Traitor!
Abel Murcott
He knows all, Mr. Coyle.
Mr. Coyle
Is there anything more!
Asa Trenchard
Yes, I want you to apologize to Miss Florence Trenchard, for having the darned impudence to propose for her hand.
Mr. Coyle
What more?
Asa Trenchard
Then you resign your stewardship in favor of your clerk, Abel Murcott.
Mr. Coyle
What, that drunkard vagabond?
Asa Trenchard
Well, he was, but he’s going to take the pledge at the first pump he comes to.
Abel Murcott
Yes, I will conquer the demon drink, or die in the struggle with him.
Mr. Coyle
Well, anything more?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, I think the next thing will be to get washed. You’re not a handsome man at best, and now you’re awful. Mr. Coyle makes a dash at Abel Murcott. Asa Trenchard catches him and turns him round to R. Mr. Coyle, in your present state of mind, you had better go first.
Mr. Coyle
Bitterly. Oh, sir, it is your turn now.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, it is my turn, but you can have the first wash. Come along Murcott. Exeunt, R. 1 E.
Change scene.
Scene 7
Library in Trenchard Manor in 3 or 4.
Sir Edward Trenchard discovered seated R. of table.
Sir Edward Trenchard
The clock is on the stroke of two, and Mr. Coyle is waiting my decision. In giving her to him, I know I shall be embittering her life to save my fortune, but appearances—no, no, I will not sacrifice her young life so full of promise, for a few short years of questionable state for myself, better leave her to the mercy of chance. Enter Florence Trenchard, R. U. E. that sell her to this scoundrel; and to myself, I will not survive the downfall of my house, but end it thus. Raises pistol to his head. Florence Trenchard seizes his arm and screams.
Florence Trenchard
Father, dear father, what despair is this? Sir Edward Trenchard buries his face in his hands. If it is fear of poverty, do not think of me, I will marry this man if I drop dead in my bridal robes.
Enter Mr. Binny, R. 1 E.
Mr. Binny
Mr. Coyle, sir who has come by happointment.
Sir Edward Trenchard
I will not see him.
Florence Trenchard
Yes, yes, show him up, Mr. Binny. Exit Mr. Binny, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Florence, I will not consent to this sacrifice.
Enter Asa Trenchard, Mr. Coyle and Abel Murcott, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard
How is this Mr. Coyle, you are not alone?
Asa Trenchard
No, you see, squire, Mr. Coyle wishes me and his clerk to witness the cutting off the seals from the mortgage, which he has been lucky enough to find the release of.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Heavens, is it so?
Mr. Coyle
Yes, Sir Edward, there is the release executed by my father, which had become detached.
Asa Trenchard
To him. Accidentally.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Saved, saved at last from want!
Mr. Coyle
Meanwhile I have paid the execution debts out of a fine which has just fallen in.
Asa Trenchard
Accidentally. It’s astonishing how things have fallen in and out today.
Sir Edward Trenchard
But your demand here? Points to Florence Trenchard.
Mr. Coyle
I make none, Sir Edward. I regret that I should have conceived so mad a thought; it is enough to unfit me for longer holding position as your agent, which I beg humbly to resign—
Asa Trenchard
Aside to him. Recommending as your successor—
Mr. Coyle
Recommending as my successor Abel Murcott, whose knowledge of your affairs, gained in my office, will render him as useful as I have been.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, just about.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Your request is granted, Mr. Coyle.
Asa Trenchard
And now, my dear Mr. Coyle, you may a-b-s-q-u-a-t-u-l-a-t-e.
Mr. Coyle
I go, Sir Edward, with equal good wishes for all assembled here. Darts a look at Abel Murcott and exits, R. 1 E.
Asa Trenchard
That’s a good man, Sir Edward.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Yes.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, he’s a very good man.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Yes, he is a good man.
Asa Trenchard
But he can’t keep a hotel.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Mr. Murcott, your offence was heavy.
Florence Trenchard
And so has been his reparation. Forgive him, papa. Mr. Murcott, you saved me; may Heaven bless you.
Abel Murcott
Yes, I saved her, thank Heaven. I had strength enough for that. Exits L. 1 E.
Florence Trenchard
You’ll keep your promise and make Mr. Murcott your clerk, papa?
Sir Edward Trenchard
Yes, I can refuse nothing; I am so happy; I am so happy, I can refuse none anything today.
Asa Trenchard
Can’t you, Sir Edward! Now, that’s awful lucky, for there’s two gals want your consent mighty bad.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Indeed; for what?
Asa Trenchard
To get hitched.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Hitched?
Asa Trenchard
Yes to get spliced.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Spliced?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, to get married.
Sir Edward Trenchard
They have it by anticipation. Who are they?
Asa Trenchard
There’s one on ’em. Points to Florence Trenchard.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Florence! and the other?
Asa Trenchard
She’s right outside. Exit, hastily, R. 1 E.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Well, and who is the happy man, Lord Dundreary—
Florence Trenchard
Lord Dundreary! No, papa—but Harry Vernon. He’s not poor now, though he’s got a ship.
Reenter Asa Trenchard, with Mary.
Asa Trenchard
Here’s the other one, Sir Edward.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Mary? Who is the object of your choice?
Mary
Rough-spun, honest-hearted Asa Trenchard.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Ah! Mr. Trenchard you win a heart of gold.
Florence Trenchard
And so does Mary, papa, believe me. Crosses to Asa Trenchard. Mary and Sir Edward Trenchard go up.
Florence Trenchard
What’s the matter?
Asa Trenchard
You make me blush.
Florence Trenchard
I don’t see you blushing.
Asa Trenchard
I’m blushing all the way down my back.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, you go long. Goes upstage.
Asa Trenchard
Hello! here’s all the folks coming two by two, as if they were pairing for Noah’s ark. Here’s Mrs. Mountchestnut and the Sailor man. Enter as Asa Trenchard calls them off. Here’s De Boots and his gal, and darn me, if here ain’t old setidy fetch it, and the sick gal, how are you buttons? Lord Dundreary knocks against Asa Trenchard, who is in C. of stage.
Lord Dundreary
There’s that damned rhinocerous again. Crosses to L. with Georgina, and seats her.
Asa Trenchard
Here comes turkey cock, number two, and his gal, and darn me, if here ain’t Puffy and his gal.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Mr. Vernon, take her, she’s yours, though Heaven knows what I shall do without her.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Rising. Ah, Sir Edward, that is just my case; but you’ll never know what it is to be a mother. Comes down, L. C. Georgina, Augusta, my dears, come here. They come down each side of her. You’ll sometimes think of your poor mamma, bless you. Aside to them. Oh, you couple of fools.
Bumps their foreheads. Lord Dundreary has business with Georgina, then leads her to a seat, L.
Capt. De Boots
To Lord Dundreary. Why, Fred, we’re all getting married!
Lord Dundreary
Yes, it’s catching, like the cholera.
Mr. Binny
I ’ope, Sir Edward, there’s no objections to my leading Miss Sharpe to the hymenial halter.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Certainly not, Mr. Binny.
Mr. Buddicombe
To Lord Dundreary. And Skillet and I have made so bold, My lord—
Lord Dundreary
Yes, you generally do make bold—but bless you, my children—bless you.
Asa Trenchard
Say, you, lord, buttons, I say, whiskers.
Lord Dundreary
Illustrious exile? Comes down.
Asa Trenchard
They’re a nice color, ain’t they?
Lord Dundreary
Yes, they’re all wight now.
Asa Trenchard
All wight? no, they’re all black.
Lord Dundreary
When I say wight I mean black.
Asa Trenchard
Say, shall I tell that sick gal about that hair dye?
Lord Dundreary
No, you needn’t tell that sick gal about that hair dye!
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Lord Dundreary
Aside. That man is a damned rattlesnake.
Goes up, sits in Georgina’s lap—turns to apologize, sits in Augusta’s lap—same business with Mrs. Mountchessington, then goes back to Georgina.
Asa Trenchard
Miss Georgina. She comes down. How’s your appetite? Shall I tell that lord about the beefsteak and onions I saw you pitching into?
Georgina
Please don’t, Mr. Trenchard, I’m so delicate.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Georgina
Oh, thank you.
Backs upstage and sits in Lord Dundreary’s lap, who has taken her seat.
Asa Trenchard
Miss Gusty. Augusta comes down. Got your boots, hain’t you?
Augusta
Yes, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
How do they fit you? Say, shall I tell that fellow you were after me first?
Augusta
Extravagantly. Not for the world, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
Mimicing. Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Asa Trenchard
To Mrs. Mountchessington. Mrs. Mountchestnut.
Lord Dundreary
Coming down. Sir, I haven’t a chestnut to offer you, but if you’d like some of your native food, I’ll order you a doughnut?
Asa Trenchard
I dough not see it.
Lord Dundreary
Laughs. That’s good.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, very good.
Lord Dundreary
For you.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, you get out, I mean the old lady.
Lord Dundreary
Mrs. Mountchessington, this illustrious exile wishes to see you. Mrs. Mountchessington comes down.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, old woman?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Old woman, sir?
Asa Trenchard
Got two of them gals off your hands, haven’t you?
Mrs. Mountchessington
I’m proud to say, I have.
Asa Trenchard
Shall I tell them fellows you tried to stick them on me first?
Mrs. Mountchessington
You’ll please not mention the subject.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to. Backs up;—curtseying;—knocks back against Lord Dundreary, who is stooping to pick up a handkerchief. They turn and bunk foreheads. Say, Mr. Puffy. Mr. Binny comes down. Shall I tell Sir Edward about your getting drunk in the wine cellar?
Mr. Binny
You need not—not if you don’t like unto.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Mr. Binny
Remember the hold hadage. “A still tongue shows a wise ’ead.”
Asa Trenchard
X Q’s me.
Mr. Binny
O, I, C. Goes up.
Florence Trenchard
Comes down, L. Well cousin, what have you to say to us? Mary comes down R. of Asa Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I ain’t got no ring, to put in your noses, but I’s got one to put on your finger. To Mary. And I guess the sailor man has one to put on yours, and I guess you two are as happy as clams at high water.
Florence Trenchard
I am sure you must be very happy.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I am not so sure about my happiness.
Florence Trenchard
Why, you ungrateful fellow. What do want to complete it?
Asa Trenchard
To Audience. My happiness depends on you.
Florence Trenchard
And I am sure you will not regret your kindness shown to Our American Cousin. But don’t go yet, pray—for Lord Dundreary has a word to say. Calls Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary
Sneezes. That’s the idea.
Curtain.