XXII + 

The Old Patriot + 

In the Prague office of the PeopleвАЩs Journal everyone was working at top speed. The telephone operator was yelling furiously into the telephone and quarrelling with the young lady at the Exchange. Scissors clicked and typewriters clattered, and Mr.¬†Cyril Keval sat on the table and dangled his legs. + 

вАЬI say, theyвАЩre holding a meeting at Vaclavak,вАЭ he said in a low voice. вАЬSome CommunistвАЩs up there preaching voluntary poverty. HeвАЩs haranguing the people, telling them they ought to be like the lilies of the field. HeвАЩs got a beard right down to his waist. What a frightful lot of long-bearded chaps there are about nowadays! All looking like apostles.вАЭ + 

вАЬMhm,вАЭ answered old Rejzek, turning over the papers from the Czechoslovak Press Bureau. + 

вАЬWhat makes their beards grow so long?вАЭ Mr.¬†Keval ruminated. вАЬI say, Rejzek, I do believe the Absolute has something to do with that as well. Golly, Rejzek, IвАЩm afraid of something of the sort growing on me. Just imagine it, right down to the waist!вАЭ + 

вАЬMhm,вАЭ Mr.¬†Rejzek said ponderously. + 

вАЬThe Free Thought Society is holding a service in HavliƒНek Square today. Father NovaƒНek is performing miracles in Tyl Square. ThereвАЩs sure to be a row between them, youвАЩll see. Yesterday NovaƒНek healed a man who had been lame from birth. Then they had a procession, and just think, the fellow whoвАЩd been lame gave a Jew an awful hiding. Broke three of his ribs or more. He was a Zionist, see.вАЭ + 

вАЬMhm,вАЭ remarked Mr.¬†Rejzek, marking some items of news. + 

вАЬThereвАЩs certain to be a dustup today, Rejzek,вАЭ Keval expatiated. вАЬThe Progressives are holding a meeting in the Old Town Square. TheyвАЩve trotted out вАШAway from RomeвАЩ again. And Father NovaƒНek is organizing the Maccabeans; you know, a sort of Catholic armed guard. You wait, there will be a scrimmage. The Archbishop has forbidden NovaƒНek to perform miracles, but his Reverence is like one possessed; he even goes and raises the dead.вАЭ + 

вАЬMhm,вАЭ said Mr.¬†Rejzek, and went on marking copy. + 

вАЬI had a letter from my mother,вАЭ Cyril Keval confided in subdued tones. вАЬAt home in Moravia, you know, near Hustopec and thereabouts, theyвАЩre simply raving mad with the CzechsвБ†вАФsay theyвАЩre heathen and heretics and idolaters and want to set up new gods, and all that stuff. TheyвАЩve shot a gamekeeper there because he was a Czech. I tell you, Rejzek, things are fairly seething everywhere.вАЭ + 

вАЬMhm,вАЭ came Mr.¬†RejzekвАЩs sign of acquiescence. + 

вАЬTheyвАЩve even gone for each other in the synagogue,вАЭ continued Mr.¬†Keval. вАЬThe Zionists gave the people who believe in Baal a fearful licking. There were even three people killed. And have you heard about the split among the Communists? There you are, I nearly forgot about it; thatвАЩs another grand mix-up. Now weвАЩre going to have the mystic Communists, a sort of left wing; then the Christians, Marians, Scientists, Resurrectionites, textile Knights of St.¬†John, iron Knights, miner Knights, and about seven other parties. Now theyвАЩre squabbling about the sick benefit funds and the workmenвАЩs dwellings. Just wait, IвАЩm going to slip over to Hybernska Street this afternoon. My boy, the garrison was confined to barracks this afternoon; but in the meantime the Vr≈°ovice barracks have sent an ultimatum to the ƒМernin barracks calling on them to recognize the Vr≈°ovice dogma of the Three Degrees of Salvation. If they donвАЩt accept the doctrine, they are to report for battle at Sandberk. The Dejvice artillerymen have gone to the ƒМernin barracks to disband. The Vr≈°ovice garrison has barricaded itself in, the soldiers have planted machine-guns in the windows and declared war. They are being besieged by the Seventh Dragoons, the Castle Guard, and four light batteries. TheyвАЩve been given six hours, then the firing will begin. Rejzek, itвАЩs a real pleasure to be alive in these days.вАЭ + 

вАЬMhm,вАЭ said Mr.¬†Rejzek. + 

вАЬYes, and at the University today,вАЭ Keval went on quietly, вАЬthe natural science faculty and the history faculty came to blows. You know, the natural science faculty, being rather pantheistic, so to speak, disputes the Revelation. The professors conducted the fight, and Dean Radl himself carried the flag. The historians fortified the University Library in the Klementinum and defended themselves desperately, armed with books. Dean Radl got hit on the head with a bound volume of Velenovsky and was killed on the spot. Probably concussion of the brain. The Rector, Arne Novak, was seriously injured by a volume of Invention and Progress. Finally the historians buried the attacking party under the Collected Works of Jan Vrba. Now the sappers are at work on the scene of the battle, and so far theyвАЩve recovered seven corpses, among them three lecturers. I donвАЩt think there were more than thirty buried, though.вАЭ + 

вАЬMhm,вАЭ observed Mr.¬†Rejzek. + 

вАЬThen thereвАЩs the Sparta Club, my boy,вАЭ Keval rattled on with mild enthusiasm. вАЬThe Sparta has proclaimed that the only God is the Greek Zeus, whereas the Slavia votes for Svantovit, the old sun-god. On Sunday thereвАЩs to be a match between the two Gods on the Letna. Besides their footballs, both clubs will bring hand-grenades, and the Slavia will also have machine-guns and the Sparta a twelve-centimetre gun. ThereвАЩs a terrific rush for tickets. The supporters of both clubs will be armed. Rejzek, believe me, there will be a shindy! I bet Zeus will win.вАЭ + 

вАЬMhm,вАЭ said Mr.¬†Rejzek, вАЬbut now you might have a look at the post.вАЭ + 

вАЬWell, I donвАЩt care,вАЭ cried Cyril Keval. вАЬA man can get used even to a God, canвАЩt he? WhatвАЩs the latest from the Press Bureau?вАЭ + 

вАЬNothing special,вАЭ growled Mr.¬†Rejzek. вАЬBloodshed at demonstrations in Rome. TheyвАЩre going for each other in UlsterвБ†вАФyou know, the Irish Catholics. The St.¬†Kilda agreement is being repudiated all round. Pogroms in Budapest; a schism in FranceвБ†вАФthe Waldenses have bobbed up there again, and the Anabaptists in M√Љnster. At Bologna an Antipope has been elected, one Father Martin of the Barefoot Friars. And so on. Nothing of local interest. Have a look at the letters, will you.вАЭ + 

Cyril Keval stopped talking and began opening the letters. There were a few hundred of them, but he had hardly read half a dozen when he was off once more. + 

вАЬLook here, Rejzek,вАЭ he began, вАЬitвАЩs the same tale all the way through. Take this one for instance: From Chrudim. Dear SirвБ†вАФAs an old subscriber to your esteemed journal, your readers and the whole of the public who are now being harassed by unprofitable disputesвАЭвБ†вАФ(вАЬHeвАЩs left out вАШwill be interested,вАЩвАКвАЭ interpolated Mr.¬†Keval)вБ†вАФвАЬвАКвАШin the remarkable miracle performed by our local pastor, the Rev. Father Zakoupil.вАЩ And so on. In Jicin it was the storekeeper of the Cooperative Society, and in Benesov it was the superintendent of schools. In ChotƒЫbo≈Щ it was even the widow Jir√°k, who keeps a tobacco shop. Have I to read all this stuff?вАЭ + 

Work went on again in silence for a while. + 

вАЬDamn it, Rejzek,вАЭ Keval burst out again, вАЬI say, do you know what would be a real sensation? A giant gooseberry? A lovely canard? Why, if something were to happen quite in the natural way, without any miracle about it. But I donвАЩt think anyone would believe us. Wait a bit, IвАЩll try to think up something natural.вАЭ + 

Again there was a brief period of quiet. + 

вАЬRejzek,вАЭ cried Keval mournfully, вАЬI simply canвАЩt think up anything natural. When I think it over, everything is a miracle really. Whatever is, is a sort of magic.вАЭ + 

Just then the editor-in-chief entered. + 

вАЬWho did the cuttings from the Tribune? HereвАЩs a story in it that we havenвАЩt got.вАЭ + 

вАЬWhat sort of a story?вАЭ asked Mr.¬†Rejzek. + 

вАЬIn the Finance and Commerce Section. An American combine has bought up the Pacific Islands and is subletting them. A tiny coral atoll costs fifty thousand dollars a year. Big demand even from the Continent of Europe. Shares have gone up to two thousand seven hundred already. G. H. Bondy interested to the extent of one hundred and twenty millions. And we havenвАЩt got a word about it,вАЭ said the editor-in-chief angrily, and slammed the door behind him. + 

вАЬRejzek,вАЭ cried Keval, вАЬhereвАЩs an interesting letter: вАШDear SirвБ†вАФForgive an old patriot, who can remember the evil times of oppression and the dark days of serfdom, if he raises a plaintive voice and begs you to use your skilful pen to make known to the Czech people the grief and sore anxiety we old patriots feelвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЩ and so on. Farther on he says: вАШIn our ancient and glorious nation we see brother egged on against brother; innumerable parties, sects, and churches struggling together like wolves and destroying each other in their mutual hatredвАЩвБ†вАФ(must be some very old chap; his writing is terribly shaky)вБ†вАФвАШwhile our ancient enemy prowls around us like a roaring lion, filling the minds of our people with the German watchword of вАЬAway from Rome,вАЭ and supported by those mistaken patriots who set the interests of their party before the national unity for which we yearn. And we behold with anguish and sorrow the prospect of a new battle of Lipany, where Czech ranged against Czech under the cloak of different religious watchwords, will be left lying on the bloody field. And so, alas, the words of the Scriptures about a kingdom divided against itself will be fulfilled. And there shall be piercing and felling of many, as it is written in our own glorious and authentic cycles of chivalry.вАЩвАКвАЭ + 

вАЬThatвАЩs enough,вАЭ said Mr.¬†Rejzek. + 

вАЬWait a bit; here he talks about the hypertrophy of parties and churches. It is a hereditary Czech disease, he says. вАШOf this there cannot be the slightest doubt, as Dr.¬†Kram√°≈Щ used to say. And therefore, I solemnly adjure you at this twelfth hour, when great and terrible dangers confront us on every hand, to urge our people to band themselves together in a union of the whole nation for the defence of our country. If a religious bond be necessary for this union, then let us be neither Protestants nor Catholics nor Monists nor Abstainers, but let us adopt a single, Slav, powerful, and brotherly Orthodox faith, which will unite us in one great Slav family and will secure for us in these stormy times the protection of a powerful Slav ruler. Those who will not freely and wholeheartedly pay allegiance to this glorious pan-Slav ideal should be forced by Government authority, yea, and by every form of compulsion permissible in these exceptional circumstances, to abandon their partisan and sectarian interests in favour of the union of the whole nation.вАЩ And so on. Signed вАШAn Old Patriot.вАЩ What do you say to that?вАЭ + 

вАЬNothing,вАЭ said Mr.¬†Rejzek. + 

вАЬI think that thereвАЩs something in it,вАЭ Mr.¬†Keval began; but just then the telephone operator entered and said, вАЬMunich on the phone. Some sort of civil or religious war broke out in Germany yesterday. Is it worth putting in the paper?вАЭ + 