XVIII + 

In the Night EditorвАЩs Room + 

The largest Catholic or popular newspaper, The PeopleвАЩs Friend, had not a very large editorial staff, and so at 9:30¬†p.m. there were only two men in the roomвБ†вАФKostal, the night editor (Heaven knows why night editorsвАЩ pipes have such an amazing stink), and Father Jost, who sat writing the leader for the next issue and whistling between his teeth. + 

At that moment Novotny, the printer, came in with the wet proofs. + 

вАЬWell, how about the leader, gentlemen, the leader?вАЭ he growled. вАЬWhen are we going to set it?вАЭ + 

Father Jost stopped humming. вАЬReady in a minute, Novotny,вАЭ he said quickly. вАЬThereвАЩs just a word I canвАЩt get. Have we already had вАШsatanic machinationsвАЩ?вАЭ + 

вАЬThe day before yesterday.вАЭ + 

вАЬAha. And has вАШtreacherous onslaughtвАЩ been used too?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes, weвАЩve had that.вАЭ + 

вАЬвАКвАШKnavish impostureвАЩ?вАЭ + 

вАЬWe ran that today.вАЭ + 

вАЬвАКвАШImpious fabricationвАЩ?вАЭ + 

вАЬAt least six times,вАЭ said Kostal. + 

вАЬThatвАЩs a pity,вАЭ sighed Father Jost. вАЬI think weвАЩve been a bit too lavish with our ideas. How did you like todayвАЩs leader, Novotny?вАЭ + 

вАЬStrong stuff,вАЭ said the printer. вАЬBut we ought to be getting on with the setting.вАЭ + 

вАЬReady in a minute,вАЭ Father Jost replied. вАЬI think our friends in higher quarters were satisfied with this morningвАЩs issue. YouвАЩll see, his Lordship the Bishop will call on us. вАШJost,вАЩ heвАЩll say, вАШyou let them have it properly.вАЩ Have we used вАШmaniacal ravingsвАЩ?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes.вАЭ + 

вАЬWhat a pity! We must bring up fresh guns and blaze away. вАШJost,вАЩ his Lordship said to me not long ago, вАШUp and at them! Everything may have its day, but we shall stand forever and aye.вАЩ Mr.¬†Novotny, canвАЩt you think of any suitable phrase?вАЭ + 

вАЬWell, couldnвАЩt you say вАШcriminal narrow-mindednessвАЩ or вАШperverse malignityвАЩ?вАЭ + 

вАЬThat would do splendidly,вАЭ said Father Jost, with a sigh of relief. вАЬWhere do you get all these bright ideas from, Novotny?вАЭ + 

вАЬFrom the old files of The PeopleвАЩs Friend. But that leader, your Reverence.вАЭ + 

вАЬYou shall have it at once. Just wait a minute: вАШThe criminal narrow-mindedness or perverse malignity which with the idolatries of Baal sullies the pure waters from the rock of Peter IвБ†вАФaha, now we shanвАЩt be longвБ†вАФsullies the pure waters, rock of Peter, there we areвБ†вАФand sets up thereon the golden calf whose name is the Devil or the AbsoluteвБ†вАФвАЩвАКвАЭ + 

вАЬHave you got the leader?вАЭ came a voice from the door of the night editorвАЩs room. + 

вАЬLaudetur Jesus Christus, my Lord Bishop,вАЭ ejaculated Father Jost. + 

вАЬHave you got the leader?вАЭ repeated Bishop Linda, coming hurriedly into the room. вАЬWho was it that wrote this morningвАЩs leader? Heaven forgive me, what a pretty mess youвАЩve made with it. What idiot wrote it?вАЭ + 

вАЬIвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I did,вАЭ stammered Father Jost, retreating; вАЬBishopвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Your LordshipвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ I thoughtвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬYouвАЩve no right to think,вАЭ roared Bishop Linda, his eyeglasses flashing at him eerily. вАЬHere, take the thingвАЭ; and crumpling up that morningвАЩs issue of The PeopleвАЩs Friend in his hand, he flung it at JostвАЩs feet. вАЬI thought! Look at him, he thinks! Why didnвАЩt you telephone? Why didnвАЩt you ask what you were to write? And you, Kostal, how could you put it in the paper? You thought, too, did you? Novotny!вАЭ + 

вАЬYes, sir,вАЭ exclaimed the trembling printer. + 

вАЬWhy did you have that stuff set up in type? Did you think, too?вАЭ + 

вАЬOh, no, sir,вАЭ protested the printer. вАЬI have to set what they send meвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬNobody has to do anything but what I want,вАЭ Bishop Linda declared decisively. вАЬJost, sit down and read the drivel you put together this morning. Read it, I tell you.вАЭ + 

вАЬFor a long time past,вАЭ Father Jost read, in trembling tones, from his own leading articleвБ†вАФвАЬfor a long time past the public has been disturbed by the knavish impostureвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬWhat?вАЭ + 

вАЬKnavish imposture, my lord,вАЭ groaned Father Jost. вАЬI thoughtвБ†вАФIвБ†вАФI see nowвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬWhat do you see?вАЭ + 

вАЬThat вАШknavish impostureвАЩ is a little too forcible.вАЭ + 

вАЬSo I should think. Read on!вАЭ + 

вАЬвА¶¬†knavish imposture carried on with the so-called AbsoluteвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ by means of which the Freemasons, the Jews and other progressives are befooling the world. It has been scientifically demonstratedвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬLook at Jost! Look at him!вАЭ cried Bishop Linda. вАЬHe has scientifically demonstrated something! Read on.вАЭ + 

вАЬвА¶¬†scientifically demonstrated,вАЭ stammered the unfortunate Jost, вАЬthat the so-called AbsoluteвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ is just as impious a deceptionвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ as the tricks performed by mediumsвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬStop,вАЭ said the Bishop with a sudden amiability. вАЬTake down the following leading article: вАШIt has been scientifically demonstratedвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЩ Have you got that?вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ вАШdemonstrated that I, Father Jost, am a jackass, a dolt and an idiot.вАЩвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Have you got that?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes,вАЭ whispered Jost, utterly bewildered. вАЬPlease go on, myвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ my lord.вАЭ + 

вАЬThrow that into the wastepaper basket, my son,вАЭ said the Bishop, вАЬand open your stupid ears. Have you read todayвАЩs papers?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes, my lвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬAh, well, I donвАЩt know. This morning, my reverend friend, there appeared first of all a communication from the Monist Association, asserting that the Absolute is that Unity which the Monists have always proclaimed to be God, and that therefore the cult of the Absolute is in complete correspondence with the doctrine of Monism. Did you read that?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes.вАЭ + 

вАЬThere was also the announcement that the Masonic Lodges commend the Absolute to the support of their members. Did you read that?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes.вАЭ + 

вАЬFurther, that at the Synodical Congress of the Lutherans, Superintendent Maartens gave a five-hour address in which he proved the identity of the Absolute with God made manifest. Did you read that?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes.вАЭ + 

вАЬAlso that at the convention of the Seventh International the Russian delegate, Paruskin-Rebenfeld, moved that honour should be paid to Comrade God who had proved His sympathy for the workers by entering the factories. It had been noted with gratitude that the Most High Comrade had decided to work in place of the expropriated classes. A motion was brought forward that as a further proof of solidarity He should begin a general strike in all His undertakings. After the presiding officers had deliberated in private, the motion was recalled as premature. Did you read that?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes.вАЭ + 

вАЬFinally a resolution was passed that the Absolute was the exclusive property of the proletariat, and that the bourgeoisie had no right to do honour to Him or to benefit by His miracles. Instructions were given to devise a scheme for a workersвАЩ cult of the Absolute and to carry out secret defensive measures in case capital should attempt to exploit or appropriate the Absolute. Did you read that?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes.вАЭ + 

вАЬThere also appeared an announcement by the Free Thought Society, a notice sent in by the Salvation Army, a communiqu√© from the Theosophical Centre вАШAdyar,вАЩ an open letter addressed to the Absolute and signed by the Benevolent Association of Landlords, an announcement by the Federation of Merry-Go-Round Proprietors, signed by the President, J. Binder, besides The Voice of the Union of Constance, special numbers of the Voice from the Beyond, the Anabaptist Reader and the AbstainerвБ†вАФdid you read all that, my friend?вАЭ + 

вАЬYes.вАЭ + 

вАЬWell, then, my dear son, you see this: that in every case they make the most solemn claim that the Absolute is their own private property, they do Him honour, and make Him splendid offers, appoint Him honorary member, patron, protector, and Heaven knows what elseвБ†вАФand meanwhile on our side some crazy lunatic of a Father JostвБ†вАФJost, if you please, an insignificant object called JostвБ†вАФshouts out to the universe that itвАЩs all a knavish imposture and a swindle already scientifically exposed. Saints and martyrs, youвАЩve got us into a pretty fix!вАЭ + 

вАЬBut, my lord, I had orders toвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ write againstвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ those phenomenaвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬSo you had,вАЭ the Bishop interrupted him sternly. вАЬBut didnвАЩt you see that the situation had entirely changed? Jost,вАЭ cried the Bishop, rising to his feet, вАЬour churches are empty, our flock is running after the Absolute. Jost, you blockhead, if we wish to bring our flock back to us, we must secure the Absolute. We will set up Atomic Karburators in all our churchesвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ but that, my little priest, is above your head. Bear in mind this one thing: the Absolute must work for us; He must be ours, i.e. He must be ours alone. Capiscis, mi fili?вАЭ + 

вАЬCapisco,вАЭ whispered Father Jost. + 

вАЬDeo gratias! Now, friend Jost, now shall Saul become Paul. YouвАЩll write a nice little leading article in which you will make it known that the Sacred Congregation, taking cognizance of the petitions of the faithful, has admitted the Absolute into the bosom of the Church. Mr.¬†Novotny, here is the Apostolic Letter to that effect; have it set up in large bold type on the front page of the paper. Kostal, announce among the local news items that Mr.¬†G. H. Bondy will on Sunday next receive the sacrament of baptism at the hands of the Archbishop, and add a few words of hearty welcome, of course, you understand? And you, Jost, sit down and writeвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Wait a minute; we want something really striking to lead off with.вАЭ + 

вАЬWe might say something after this style, my lord: The criminal narrow-mindedness and the perverse malignity of certain bodiesвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 

вАЬSplendid! Then say: вАШThe criminal narrow-mindedness and the perverse malignity of certain bodies have for some months past been active in endeavouring to mislead our people into the paths of error. False and heretical doctrines have been proclaimed to the effect that the Absolute is something other than the selfsame God to whom we have from the cradle raised our handsвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЩ Have you got that?вБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ raised our hands in childlike faithвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ and loveвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶ Have you got that? ContinueвБ†вАКвБ†вА¶вАЭ + 