Scene
III
The next night. Bertie seated in his room, before a warm fire. He appears very comfortable and satisfied. Enter Tommy. His clothes are muddy and wrinkled, and his toes are showing through his worn shoes. He wobbles on his feet and otherwise appears somewhat fatigued.
Bertie
Come in an shut the door. Want to freeze me? Ain’t you got no consideration. Nobody’s seen you in that garb I hope. You look like a tramp.
Tommy gives a ferocious look.
Tommy
If I wasn’t so tired I’d poke you in the beezer. He flops into a chair.
Bertie
Idly. How’d you get in?
Tommy
I walked!
Bertie
All the way?
Tommy
Naw. It was this way. I’d grab every train that came along, then when the conductor would come for my ticket, I’d tell him I’d lost it. They’d kick me off, but I’d be that much further down the line. I did that seven times and made four miles that way. But finally one of ’em stopped the train, ’stead of throwin’ me off while it was runnin’ like the rest had done.
Bertie
That was kind of him.
Tommy
Bloodthirsty. Yeah, I’ll say so! They stopped in a yap town and had me pinched. They put me in the hoosegow and I’d be there yet only the cop was a Prohibition officer and was so drunk he did not lock the door. Then I walked about twelve miles till I caught a ride on a wagon.
Bertie
That shows that there’s always people kind and ready to assist even a hobo. Why didn’t you ride on it?
Tommy
Because the bird driving the wagon saw me and kicked me off. Then I walked and walked and walked, and then I walked some more. I got blisters on my feet till it felt like I was walking on watermelons.
Bertie
Did it rain all the time?
Tommy
Naw, sometimes it sleeted or snowed. The roads were so rotten that I waded three miles down a creek thinking it was a road. I didn’t find my mistake till a farmer came and beat me up for trespassing on private property. Once I got lost and walked seventeen miles in the opposite direction before I found out different. He waxes eloquent. Gaze on me; a living example of the injustice of the American railroad corporations. I wore out my shoes and swiped these off a sleeping hobo; I lived on standpipe julep and garbage. My clothes are worn out and I lost the ring for which I paid Woolworth a week’s salary. And they call this a free country!
Bertie laughs. He laughs with much gusto.
Bertie
Ha! Ha! Haw! Haw! He! He! Say, that’s the best joke I’ve heard of in a long time. Ha! Ha!
Tommy
What joke?
Bertie
Why, just after the conductor threw you off. I found your ticket in my coat.
Exeunt.