III + 

Lottie Crump, proprietress of ShepheardтАЩs Hotel, Dover Street, attended invariably by two Cairn terriers, is a happy reminder to us that the splendours of the Edwardian era were not entirely confined to Lady Anchorage or Mrs.┬аBlackwater. She is a fine figure of a woman, singularly unscathed by any sort of misfortune and superbly oblivious of those changes in the social order which agitate the more observant grandes dames of her period. When the war broke out she took down the signed photograph of the Kaiser and, with some solemnity, hung it in the menservantsтАЩ lavatory; it was her one combative action; since then she has had her worriesтБатАФincome-tax forms and drink restrictions and young men whose fathers she used to know, who give her bad cheques, but these have been soon forgotten; one can go to ShepheardтАЩs parched with modernity any day, if Lottie likes oneтАЩs face, and still draw up, cool and uncontaminated, great, healing draughts from the well of Edwardian certainty. + 

ShepheardтАЩs has a plain, neatly pointed brick front and large, plain doorway. Inside it is like a country house. Lottie is a great one for sales, and likes, whenever one of the great houses of her day is being sold up, to take away something for old timesтАЩ sake. There is a good deal too much furniture at ShepheardтАЩs, some of it rare, some of it hideous beyond description; there is plenty of red plush and red morocco and innumerable wedding presents of the тАЩeighties; in particular many of those massive, mechanical devices covered with crests and monograms, and associated in some way with cigars. It is the sort of house in which one expects to find croquet mallets and polo sticks in the bathroom, and childrenтАЩs toys at the bottom of oneтАЩs chest of drawers, and an estate map and an archery targetтБатАФexuding strawтБатАФand a bicycle and one of those walking-sticks which turn into saws, somewhere in passages, between baize doors, smelling of damp. (As a matter of fact, all you are likely to find in your room at LottieтАЩs is an empty champagne bottle or two and a crumpled camisole.) + 

The servants, like the furniture, are old and have seen aristocratic service. Doge, the head waiter, who is hard of hearing, partially blind, and tortured with gout, was once a RothschildтАЩs butler. He had, in fact, on more than one occasion in Father RothschildтАЩs youth, dandled him on his knee, when he came with his father (at one time the fifteenth richest man in the world) to visit his still richer cousins, but it would be unlike him to pretend that he ever really liked the embryo Jesuit who was тАЬtoo clever by half,тАЭ given to asking extraordinary questions, and endowed with a penetrating acumen in the detection of falsehood and exaggeration. + 

Besides Doge, there are innumerable old housemaids always trotting about with cans of hot water and clean towels. There is also a young Italian who does most of the work and gets horribly insulted by Lottie, who once caught him powdering his nose, and will not let him forget it. Indeed, it is one of the few facts in LottieтАЩs recent experience that seems always accessible. + 

LottieтАЩs parlour, in which most of the life of ShepheardтАЩs centres, contains a comprehensive collection of signed photographs. Most of the male members of the royal families of Europe are represented (except the ex-Emperor of Germany who has not been reinstated, although there was a distinct return of sentiment towards him on the occasion of his second marriage). There are photographs of young men on horses riding in steeplechases, of elderly men leading in the winners of тАЬclassicтАЭ races, of horses alone and of young men alone, dressed in tight, white collars or in the uniform of the Brigade of Guards. There are caricatures by тАЬSpy,тАЭ and photographs cut from illustrated papers, many of them with brief obituary notices, тАЬkilled in action.тАЭ There are photographs of yachts in full sail and of elderly men in yachting caps; there are some funny pictures of the earliest kind of motor car. There are very few writers or painters and no actors, for Lottie is true to the sound old snobbery of pound sterling and strawberry leaves. + 

Lottie was standing in the hall abusing the Italian waiter when Adam arrived. + 

тАЬWell,тАЭ she said, тАЬyou are a stranger. Come along in. We were just thinking about having a little drink. YouтАЩll find a lot of your friends here.тАЭ + 

She led Adam into the parlour, where they found several men, none of whom Adam had ever seen before. + 

тАЬYou all know Lord Thingummy, donтАЩt you?тАЭ said Lottie. + 

тАЬMr.┬аSymes,тАЭ said Adam. + 

тАЬYes, dear, thatтАЩs what I said. Bless you, I knew you before you were born. HowтАЩs your father? Not dead, is he?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, IтАЩm afraid he is.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, I never. I could tell you some things about him. Now let me introduce youтБатАФthatтАЩs Mr.┬аWhatтАЩs-his-name, you remember him, donтАЩt you? And over there in the corner, thatтАЩs the Major, and thereтАЩs Mr.┬аWhat-dтАЩyou-call-him, and thatтАЩs an American, and thereтАЩs the King of Ruritania.тАЭ + 

тАЬAlas, no longer,тАЭ said a sad, bearded man. + 

тАЬPoor chap,тАЭ said Lottie Crump, who always had a weak spot for royalty, even when deposed. тАЬItтАЩs a shame. They gave him the boot after the war. HasnтАЩt got a penny. Not that he ever did have much. His wifeтАЩs locked up in a looney house, too.тАЭ + 

тАЬPoor Maria Christina. It is true how Mrs.┬аCrump says. Her brains, they are quite gone out. All the time she thinks everyone is a bomb.тАЭ + 

тАЬItтАЩs perfectly true, poor old girl,тАЭ said Lottie with relish. тАЬI drove the King down Saturday to see herтБатАКтБатАж (I wonтАЩt have him travelling third class). It fair brought tears to my eyes. Kept skipping about all the time, she did, dodging. Thought they were throwing things at her.тАЭ + 

тАЬIt is one strange thing, too,тАЭ said the King. тАЬAll my family they have bombs thrown at them, but the Queen, never. My poor Uncle Joseph he blow all to bits one night at the opera, and my sister she find three bombs in her bed. But my wife, never. But one day her maid is brushing her hair before dinner, and she said, тАШMadam,тАЩ she said, тАШthe cook has had lesson from the cook at the French LegationтАЩтБатАФthe food at my home was not what you call chic. One day it was mutton hot, then mutton cold, then the same mutton hot again, but less nicer, not chic, you understand meтБатАФтАШhe has had lesson from the French cook,тАЩ the maid say, тАШand he has made one big bomb as a surprise for your dinner party tonight for the Swedish Minister.тАЩ Then the poor Queen say тАШOh,тАЩ like so, and since then always her poor brains has was all nohow.тАЭ + 

The ex-King of Ruritania sighed heavily and lit a cigar. + 

тАЬWell,тАЭ said Lottie, brushing aside a tear, тАЬwhat about a little drink? Here, you over there, your Honour Judge WhatтАЩs-your-name, how about a drink for the gentlemen?тАЭ + 

The American, who, like all the listeners, had been profoundly moved by the ex-KingтАЩs recitation, roused himself to bow and say, тАЬI shall esteem it a great honour if His Majesty and yourself, Mrs.┬аCrump, and these other good gentlemenтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs the way,тАЭ said Lottie. тАЬHi, there, whereтАЩs my Fairy Prince? Powdering hisself again, I suppose. Come here, Nancy, and put away the beauty cream.тАЭ + 

In came the waiter. + 

тАЬBottle of wine,тАЭ said Lottie, тАЬwith Judge Thingummy there.тАЭ (Unless specified in detail, all drinks are champagne in LottieтАЩs parlour. There is also a mysterious game played with dice which always ends with someone giving a bottle of wine to everyone in the room, but Lottie has an equitable soul and she generally sees to it, in making up the bills, that the richest people pay for everything.) + 

After the third or fourth bottle of wine Lottie said, тАЬWho dтАЩyou think weтАЩve got dining upstairs tonight? Prime Minister.тАЭ + 

тАЬMe, I have never liked Prime Ministers. They talk and talk and then they talk more. тАШSir, you must sign that.тАЩ тАШSir, you must go here and there.тАЩ тАШSir, you must do up that button before you give audience to the black plenipotentiary from Liberia.тАЩ Pah! After the war my people give me the bird, yes, but they throw my Prime Minister out of the window, bump right bang on the floor. Ha, ha.тАЭ + 

тАЬHe ainтАЩt alone either,тАЭ said Lottie with a terrific wink. + 

тАЬWhat, Sir James Brown?тАЭ said the Major, shocked in spite of himself. тАЬI donтАЩt believe it.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, name of Outrage.тАЭ + 

тАЬHeтАЩs not Prime Minister.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, he is. I saw it in the paper.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, heтАЩs not. He went out of office last week.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell I never. How they keep changing. IтАЩve no patience with it. Doge. Doge. WhatтАЩs the Prime MinisterтАЩs name?тАЭ + 

тАЬBeg pardon, mum.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhatтАЩs the name of the Prime Minister?тАЭ + 

тАЬNot tonight, I donтАЩt think, mum, not as IтАЩve been informed anyway.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhatтАЩs the name of the Prime Minister, you stupid old man?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, I beg your pardon, mum. I didnтАЩt quite hear you. Sir James Brown, mum, Bart. A very nice gentleman, so IтАЩve been told. Conservative, IтАЩve heard said. Gloucestershire they come from, I think.тАЭ + 

тАЬThere, what did I say?тАЭ said Lottie triumphantly. + 

тАЬIt is one very extraordinary thing, your British Constitution,тАЭ said the ex-King of Ruritania. тАЬAll the time when I was young they taught me nothing but British Constitution. My tutor had been a master at your Eton school. And now when I come to England always there is a different Prime Minister and no one knows which is which.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, sir,тАЭ said the Major, тАЬthatтАЩs because of the Liberal Party.тАЭ + 

тАЬLiberals? Yes. We, too, had Liberals. I tell you something now, I had a gold fountain-pen. My godfather, the good Archduke of Austria, give me one gold fountain-pen with eagles on him. I loved my gold fountain-pen.тАЭ Tears stood in the KingтАЩs eyes. Champagne was a rare luxury to him now. тАЬI loved very well my pen with the little eagles. And one day there was a Liberal Minister. A Count Tampen, one man, Mrs.┬аCrump, of exceedingly evilness. He come to talk to me and he stood at my little escritoire and he thump and talk too much about somethings I not understand, and when he goтБатАФwhere was my gold fountain-pen with eaglesтБатАФgone too.тАЭ + 

тАЬPoor old King,тАЭ said Lottie. тАЬI tell you what. You have another drink.тАЭ + 

тАЬтАж┬аEsteem it a great honour,тАЭ said the American, тАЬif your Majesty and these gentlemen and Mrs.┬аCrumpтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬDoge, tell my little lovebird to come hopping inтБатАКтБатАж you there, Judge wants another bottle of wine.тАЭ + 

тАЬтАж┬аShould honour it a great esteemтБатАКтБатАж esteem it a great honour if Mrs.┬аMajesty and these gentlemen and His CrumpтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs all right, Judge. Another bottle coming.тАЭ + 

тАЬтАж┬аShould esteem it a great Crump if his honour and these Majesties and Mrs.┬аGentlemenтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬYes, yes, thatтАЩs all right, Judge. DonтАЩt let him fall down, boys. Bless me, how these Americans do drink.тАЭ + 

тАЬтАж┬аI should Crump it a great Majesty if Mrs.┬аEsteemтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

And his Honour Judge Skimp of the Federal High Court began to laugh rather a lot. (It must be remembered in all these peopleтАЩs favour that none of them had yet dined.) + 

Now there was a very bland, natty, moustachioed young man sitting there who had been drinking away quietly in the corner without talking to anyone except for an occasional тАЬCheerioтАЭ to Judge Skimp. Suddenly he got up and said: + 

тАЬBet-you-canтАЩt-do-this.тАЭ + 

He put three halfpennies on the table, moved them about very deliberately for a bit, and then looked up with an expression of pride. тАЬOnly touched each halfpenny five times, and changed their positions twice,тАЭ he said. тАЬDo-it-again if you like.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, isnтАЩt he a clever boy?тАЭ said Lottie. тАЬWherever did they teach you that?тАЭ + 

тАЬChap-in-a-train showed me,тАЭ he said. + 

тАЬIt didnтАЩt look very hard,тАЭ said Adam. + 

тАЬJust-you-try. Bet-you-anything-you-like you canтАЩt do it.тАЭ + 

тАЬHow much will you bet?тАЭ Lottie loved this kind of thing. + 

тАЬAnything-you-like. Five hundred pounds.тАЭ + 

тАЬGo on,тАЭ said Lottie. тАЬYou do it. HeтАЩs got lots of money.тАЭ + 

тАЬAll right,тАЭ said Adam. + 

He took the halfpennies and moved them about just as the young man had done. When he finished he said, тАЬHowтАЩs that?тАЭ + 

тАЬWell IтАЩm jiggered,тАЭ said the young man. тАЬNever saw anyone do it like that before. IтАЩve won a lot of money this week with that trick. Here you are.тАЭ And he took out a notecase and gave Adam a five-hundred-pound note. Then he sat down in his corner again. + 

тАЬWell,тАЭ said Lottie with approval, тАЬthatтАЩs sporting. Give the boys a drink for that.тАЭ + 

So they all had another drink. + 

Presently the young man stood up again. + 

тАЬToss you double-or-quits,тАЭ he said. тАЬBest-out-of-three.тАЭ + 

тАЬAll right,тАЭ said Adam. + 

They tossed twice and Adam won both times. + 

тАЬWell IтАЩm jiggered,тАЭ said the young man, handing over another note. тАЬYouтАЩre a lucky chap.тАЭ + 

тАЬHeтАЩs got pots of money,тАЭ said Lottie. тАЬA thousand pounds is nothing to him.тАЭ + 

She liked to feel like that about all her guests. Actually in this young manтАЩs case she was wrong. He happened to have all that money in his pocket because he had just sold out his few remaining securities to buy a new motor car. So next day he bought a secondhand motor bicycle instead. + 

Adam felt a little dizzy, so he had another drink. + 

тАЬDтАЩyou mind if I telephone?тАЭ he said. + 

He rang up Nina Blount. + 

тАЬIs that Nina?тАЭ + 

тАЬAdam, dear, youтАЩre tight already.тАЭ + 

тАЬHow dтАЩyou know?тАЭ + 

тАЬI can hear it. What is it? IтАЩm just going out to dinner.тАЭ + 

тАЬI just rang up to say that itтАЩs all right about our getting married. IтАЩve got a thousand pounds.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh good. How?тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩll tell you when we meet. Where are you dining?тАЭ + 

тАЬRitz. Archie. Darling. I am glad about our getting married.тАЭ + 

тАЬSo am I. But donтАЩt letтАЩs get intense about it.тАЭ + 

тАЬI wasnтАЩt, and anyway youтАЩre tight.тАЭ + 

He went back to the parlour. Miss Runcible had arrived and was standing in the hall very much dressed up. + 

тАЬWhoтАЩs that tart?тАЭ asked Lottie. + 

тАЬThatтАЩs not a tart, Lottie, thatтАЩs Agatha Runcible.тАЭ + 

тАЬLooks like a tart. How do you do, my dear, come in. WeтАЩre just thinking of having a little drink. You know everyone here, of course, donтАЩt you? ThatтАЩs the King with the beard.тБатАКтБатАж No, dearie, the King of Ruritania. You didnтАЩt mind my taking you for a tart, did you, dear? You look so like one, got up like that. Of course, I can see you arenтАЩt now.тАЭ + 

тАЬMy dear,тАЭ said Miss Runcible, тАЬif youтАЩd seen me this afternoonтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ and she began to tell Lottie Crump about the Customs House. + 

тАЬWhat would you do if you suddenly got a thousand pounds?тАЭ Adam asked. + 

тАЬA thousand pound,тАЭ said the King, his eyes growing dreamy at this absurd vision. тАЬWell, first I should buy a house and a motor car and a yacht and a new pair of gloves, and then I would start one little newspaper in my country to say that I must come back and be the King, and then I donтАЩt know what I do, but I have such fun and grandness again.тАЭ + 

тАЬBut you canтАЩt do all that with a thousand pounds, you know, sir.тАЭ + 

тАЬNoтБатАКтБатАж canтАЩt I not?тБатАКтБатАж not with thousand pound.тБатАКтБатАж Oh, well, then I think I buy a gold pen with eagles on him like the Liberals stole.тАЭ + 

тАЬI know what IтАЩd do,тАЭ said the Major. тАЬIтАЩd put it on a horse.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat horse?тАЭ + 

тАЬI can tell you a likely outsider for the November Handicap. Horse named Indian Runner. ItтАЩs at twenty to one at present, and the odds are likely to lengthen. Now if you were to put a thousand on him to win and he won, why youтАЩd be rich, wouldnтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, so I would. How marvellous. DтАЩyou know, I think IтАЩll do that. ItтАЩs a very good idea. How can I do it?тАЭ + 

тАЬJust you give me the thousand and IтАЩll arrange it.тАЭ + 

тАЬI say, thatтАЩs awfully nice of you.тАЭ + 

тАЬNot at all.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, really, I think thatтАЩs frightfully nice of you. Look, hereтАЩs the money. Have a drink, wonтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, you have one with me.тАЭ + 

тАЬI said it first.тАЭ + 

тАЬLetтАЩs both have one, then.тАЭ + 

тАЬWait a minute though, I must go and telephone about this.тАЭ + 

He rang up the Ritz and got on to Nina. + 

тАЬDarling, you do telephone a lot, donтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬNina, IтАЩve something very important to say.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, darling.тАЭ + 

тАЬNina, have you heard of a horse called Indian Runner?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, I think so. Why?тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat sort of a horse is it?тАЭ + 

тАЬMy dear, quite the worst sort of horse. Mary MouseтАЩs mother owns it.тАЭ + 

тАЬNot a good horse?тАЭ + 

тАЬNo.тАЭ + 

тАЬNot likely to win the November Handicap, I mean.тАЭ + 

тАЬQuite sure not to. I donтАЩt suppose itтАЩll run even. Why?тАЭ + 

тАЬI say, Nina, dтАЩyou know I donтАЩt think we shall be able to get married after all.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhy not, my sweet?тАЭ + 

тАЬYou see, IтАЩve put my thousand pounds on Indian Runner.тАЭ + 

тАЬThat was silly. CanтАЩt you get it back?тАЭ + 

тАЬI gave it to a Major.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat sort of a Major?тАЭ + 

тАЬRather a drunk one. I donтАЩt know his name.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, I should try and catch him. I must go back and eat now. Goodbye.тАЭ + 

But when he got back to LottieтАЩs parlour the Major was gone. + 

тАЬWhat Major?тАЭ said Lottie, when he asked about him. тАЬI never saw a Major.тАЭ + 

тАЬThe one you introduced me to in the corner.тАЭ + 

тАЬHow dтАЩyou know heтАЩs a Major?тАЭ + 

тАЬYou said he was.тАЭ + 

тАЬMy dear boy, IтАЩve never seen him before. Now I come to think of it, he did look like a Major, didnтАЩt he? But this sweet little girlie here is telling me a story. Go on, my dear. I can hardly bear to hear it, itтАЩs so wicked.тАЭ + 

While Miss Runcible finished her story (which began to sound each time she told it more and more like the most lubricious kind of anti-Turkish propaganda) the ex-King of Ruritania told Adam about a Major he had known, who had come from Prussia to reorganize the Ruritanian Army. He had disappeared south, taking with him all the mess plate of the Royal Guard, and the Lord ChamberlainтАЩs wife, and a valuable pair of candlesticks from the Chapel Royal. + 

By the time Miss Runcible had finished, Lottie was in a high state of indignation. + 

тАЬThe very idea of it,тАЭ she said. тАЬThe dirty hounds. And I used to know your poor father, too, before you were born or thought of. IтАЩll talk to the Prime Minister about this,тАЭ she said, taking up the telephone. тАЬGive me Outrage,тАЭ she said to the exchange boy. тАЬHeтАЩs up in number twelve with a Japanese.тАЭ + 

тАЬOutrage isnтАЩt Prime Minister, Lottie.тАЭ + 

тАЬOf course he is. DidnтАЩt Doge say so.тБатАКтБатАж Hullo, is that Outrage? This is Lottie. A fine chap you are, I donтАЩt think. Tearing the clothes off the back of a poor innocent girl.тАЭ + 

Lottie prattled on. + 

Mr.┬аOutrage had finished dinner, and, as a matter of fact, the phrasing of this accusation was not wholly inappropriate to his mood. It was some minutes before he began to realize that all this talk was only about Miss Runcible. By that time LottieтАЩs flow of invective had come to an end, but she finished finely. + 

тАЬOutrage your name, and Outrage your nature,тАЭ she said, banging down the receiver. тАЬAnd thatтАЩs what I think of him. Now how about a little drink?тАЭ + 

But her party was breaking up. The Major was gone. Judge Skimp was sleeping, his fine white hair in an ashtray. Adam and Miss Runcible were talking about where they would dine. Soon only the King remained. He gave her his arm with a grace he had acquired many years ago; far away in his sunny little palace, under a great chandelier which scattered with stars of light like stones from a broken necklace, a crimson carpet woven with a pattern of crowned ciphers. + 

So Lottie and the King went in to dinner together. + 

Upstairs in No.┬а12, which is a suite of notable grandeur, Mr.┬аOutrage was sliding back down the path of self-confidence he had so laboriously climbed. He really would have brought matters to a crisis if it had not been for that telephone, he told himself, but now the Baroness was saying she was sure he was busy, must be wanting her to go: would he order her car. + 

It was so difficult. For a European the implications of an invitation to dinner t├кte-├а-t├кte in a private room at ShepheardтАЩs were definitely clear. Her acceptance on the first night of his return to England had thrown him into a flutter of expectation. But all through dinner she had been so self-possessed, so supremely social. Yet, surely, just before the telephone rang, surely then, when they left the table and moved to the fire, there had been something in the atmosphere. But you never know with Orientals. He clutched his knees and said in a voice which sounded very extraordinary to him, must she go, it was lovely after a fortnight, and then, desperately, he had thought of her in Paris such a lot. (Oh, for words, words! That massed treasury of speech that was his to squander at will, to send bowling and spinning in golden pieces over the floor of the House of Commons; that glorious largesse of vocables he cast far and wide, in ringing handfuls about his constituency!) + 

The little Baroness Yoshiwara, her golden hands clasped in the lap of her golden Paquin frock, sat where she had been sent, more puzzled than Mr.┬аOutrage, waiting for orders. What did the clever Englishman want? If he was busy with his telephone, why did he not send her away; tell her another time to come: if he wanted to be loved, why did he not tell her to come over to him? Why did he not pick her out of her red plush chair and sit her on his knee? Was she, perhaps, looking ugly tonight? She had thought not. It was so hard to know what these Occidentals wanted. + 

Then the telephone rang again. + 

тАЬWill you hold on a minute? Father Rothschild wants to speak to you,тАЭ said a voice. тАЬтАж┬аIs that you, Outrage? Will you be good enough to come round and see me as soon as you can? There are several things which I must discuss with you.тАЭ + 

тАЬReally, RothschildтБатАКтБатАж I donтАЩt see why I should. I have a guest.тАЭ + 

тАЬThe baroness had better return immediately. The waiter who brought you your coffee has a brother at the Japanese Embassy.тАЭ + 

тАЬGood God, has he? But why donтАЩt you go and worry Brown? HeтАЩs P.M., you know, not me.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou will be in office tomorrow.тБатАКтБатАж As soon as possible, please, at my usual address.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, all right.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhy, of course.тАЭ + 