VI + 

That evening Lady Metroland gave a party for Mrs.┬аMelrose Ape. Adam found the telegram of invitation waiting for him on his return to ShepheardтАЩs. (Lottie had already used the prepaid reply to do some betting with. Someone had given her a tip for the November Handicap and she wanted to тАЬmake her little flutterтАЭ before she forgot the name.) He also found an invitation to luncheon from Simon Balcairn. + 

The food at ShepheardтАЩs tends to be mostly game-pieтБатАФquite black inside and full of beaks and shot and inexplicable vertebraeтБатАФso Adam was quite pleased to lunch with Simon Balcairn, though he knew there must be some slightly sinister motive behind this sudden hospitality. + 

They lunched Chez Espinosa, the second most expensive restaurant in London; it was full of oilcloth and Lalique glass, and the sort of people who liked that sort of thing went there continually and said how awful it was. + 

тАЬI hope you donтАЩt mind coming to this awful restaurant,тАЭ said Balcairn. тАЬThe truth is that I get meals free if I mention them occasionally in my page. Not drinks, unfortunately. WhoтАЩs here, Alphonse?тАЭ he asked the ma├оtre dтАЩh├┤tel. + 

Alphonse handed him the typewritten slip that was always kept for gossip writers. + 

тАЬHтАЩm, yes. Quite a good list this morning, Alphonse. IтАЩll do what I can about it.тАЭ + 

тАЬThank you, sir. A table for two? A cocktail?тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, I donтАЩt think I want a cocktail. I really havenтАЩt time. Will you have one, Adam? They arenтАЩt very good here.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, thanks,тАЭ said Adam. + 

тАЬSure?тАЭ said Balcairn, already making for their table. + 

When they were being helped to caviar he looked at the wine list. + 

тАЬThe lager is rather good,тАЭ he said. тАЬWhat would you like to drink?тАЭ + 

тАЬWhatever youтАЩre having.тБатАКтБатАж I think some lager would be lovely.тАЭ + 

тАЬTwo small bottles of lager, please.тБатАКтБатАж Are you sure you really like that better than anything?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, really, thank you.тАЭ + 

Simon Balcairn looked about him gloomily, occasionally adding a new name to his list. (It is so depressing to be in a profession in which literally all conversation is тАЬshop.тАЭ) + 

Presently he said, with a deadly air of carelessness: + 

тАЬMargot MetrolandтАЩs got a party tonight, hasnтАЩt she? Are you going?тАЭ + 

тАЬI think probably. I usually like MargotтАЩs parties, donтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes.тБатАКтБатАж Adam, IтАЩll tell you a very odd thing. She hasnтАЩt sent me an invitation to this one.тАЭ + 

тАЬI expect she will. I only got mine this morning.тАЭ + 

тАЬтАж┬аYesтБатАКтБатАж whoтАЩs that woman just come in in the fur coat? I know her so well by sight.тАЭ + 

тАЬIsnтАЩt it Lady Everyman?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, of course.тАЭ Another name was added to the list. Balcairn paused in utmost gloom and ate some salad. тАЬThe thing isтБатАКтБатАж she told Agatha Runcible she wasnтАЩt going to ask me.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhy not?тАЭ + 

тАЬApparently sheтАЩs in a rage about something I said about something she said about Miles.тАЭ + 

тАЬPeople do take things so seriously,тАЭ said Adam encouragingly. + 

тАЬIt means ruin for me,тАЭ said Lord Balcairn. тАЬIsnтАЩt that Pamela Popham?тАЭ + 

тАЬI havenтАЩt the least idea.тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm sure it isтБатАКтБатАж I must look up the spelling in the stud book when I get back. I got into awful trouble about spelling the other day.тБатАКтБатАж Ruin.тБатАКтБатАж SheтАЩs asked Vanburgh.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, heтАЩs some sort of cousin, isnтАЩt he?тАЭ + 

тАЬItтАЩs so damned unfair. All my cousins are in lunatic asylums or else they live in the country and do indelicate things with wild animalsтБатАКтБатАж Except my mamma, and thatтАЩs worseтБатАКтБатАж they were furious at the office about Van getting that Downing Street тАШscoop.тАЩ If I miss this party I may as well leave Fleet Street for goodтБатАКтБатАж I may as well put my head into a gas-oven and have done with itтБатАКтБатАж IтАЩm sure if Margot knew how much it meant to me she wouldnтАЩt mind my coming.тАЭ + 

Great tears stood in his eyes threatening to overflow. + 

тАЬAll this last week,тАЭ he said, тАЬIтАЩve been reduced to making up my page from the Court Circular and DebrettтБатАКтБатАж No one ever asks me anywhere nowтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩll tell you what,тАЭ said Adam, тАЬI know Margot pretty well. If you like IтАЩll ring her up and ask if I may bring you.тАЭ + 

тАЬWill you? Will you, Adam? If only you really would. LetтАЩs go and do it at once. WeтАЩve no time for coffee or liqueurs. Quick, we can telephone from my officeтБатАКтБатАж yes, that black hat and my umbrella, no, IтАЩve lost the numberтБатАКтБатАж there, no, there, oh do hurry.тБатАКтБатАж Yes, a taxiтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

They were out in the street and into a taxi before Adam had time to say any more. Soon they were imbedded in a traffic block in the Strand, and after a time they reached BalcairnтАЩs office in Fleet Street. + 

They went up to a tiny room with тАЬSocialтАЭ written on the glass of the door. Its interior seemed not to justify its name. There was one chair, a typewriter, a telephone, some books of reference and a considerable litter of photographs. BalcairnтАЩs immediate superior sat in the one chair. + 

тАЬHullo,тАЭ she said. тАЬSo youтАЩre back. Where you been?тАЭ + 

тАЬEspinosa. HereтАЩs the list.тАЭ + 

The social editress read it through. тАЬCanтАЩt have Kitty Blackwater,тАЭ she said. тАЬHad her yesterday. OthersтАЩll do. Write тАЩem down to a couple of paragraphs. Suppose you didnтАЩt notice what they were wearing?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes,тАЭ said Balcairn eagerly. тАЬAll of them.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, you wonтАЩt have room to use it. We got to keep everything down for Lady M.тАЩs party. IтАЩve cut out the D. of Devonshire altogether. By the way, the photograph you used yesterday wasnтАЩt the present Countess of Everyman. ItтАЩs an old one of the Dowager. We had тАЩem both on the phone about it, going on something awful. ThatтАЩs you, again. Got your invite for tonight?тАЭ + 

тАЬNot yet.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou better get it quick. I got to have a firsthand story before we go to press, see? By the way, know anything about this? Lady R.тАЩs maid sent it in today.тАЭ She picked up a slip of paper: тАЬтАКтАШRumoured engagement broken off between Adam Fenwick-Symes, only son of the late Professor Oliver Fenwick-Symes, and Nina Blount, of Doubting Hall, Aylesbury.тАЩ Never heard of either. AinтАЩt even been announced, so far as IтАЩm aware of.тАЭ + 

тАЬYouтАЩd better ask him. This is Adam Symes.тАЭ + 

тАЬHullo, no offence meant, IтАЩm sure.тБатАКтБатАж What about it?тАЭ + 

тАЬIt is neither announced nor broken off.тАЭ + 

тАЬN.B.G. in fact, eh? Then that goes there.тАЭ She put the slip into the wastepaper basket. тАЬThat girlтАЩs sent us a lot of bad stuff lately. Well, IтАЩm off for a bit of lunch. IтАЩll be over at the Garden Club if anything urgent turns up. So long.тАЭ + 

The editress went out, banging the door labelled тАЬSocial,тАЭ and whistled as she went down the passage. + 

тАЬYou see how they treat me,тАЭ said Lord Balcairn. тАЬThey were all over me when I first arrived. I do so wish I were dead.тАЭ + 

тАЬDonтАЩt cry,тАЭ said Adam, тАЬitтАЩs too shy-making.тАЭ + 

тАЬI canтАЩt help itтБатАКтБатАж oh, do come in.тАЭ + 

The door marked тАЬSocialтАЭ opened and a small boy came in. + 

тАЬLord CircumferenceтАЩs butler downstairs with some engagements and a divorce.тАЭ + 

тАЬTell him to leave them.тАЭ + 

тАЬVery good, my lord.тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs the only person in this office whoтАЩs ever polite to me,тАЭ said Balcairn as the messenger disappeared. тАЬI wish I had something to leave him in my will.тБатАКтБатАж Do ring up Margot. Then I shall at any rate know the worst.тБатАКтБатАж Come in.тАЭ + 

тАЬGentleman of the name of General Strapper downstairs. Wants to see you very particular.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat about?тАЭ + 

тАЬCouldnтАЩt say, my lord, but heтАЩs got a whip. Seems very put out about something.тАЭ + 

тАЬTell him the social editor is having luncheon.тБатАКтБатАж Do ring up Margot.тАЭ + 

Adam said, тАЬMargot, may I bring someone with me tonight?тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, Adam, I really donтАЩt think you can. I canтАЩt imagine how everyoneтАЩs going to get in as it is. IтАЩm terribly sorry, who is it?тАЭ + 

тАЬSimon Balcairn. HeтАЩs particularly anxious to come.тАЭ + 

тАЬI dare say he is. IтАЩm rather against that young man. HeтАЩs written things about me in the papers.тАЭ + 

тАЬPlease, Margot.тАЭ + 

тАЬCertainly not. I wonтАЩt have him inside my house. IтАЩve only asked Van on the strictest understanding that he doesnтАЩt write anything about it. I donтАЩt wish to have anything more to do with Simon Balcairn.тАЭ + 

тАЬMy dear, how rich you sound.тАЭ + 

тАЬI feel my full income when that young man is mentioned. Goodbye. See you tonight.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou neednтАЩt tell me,тАЭ said Balcairn. тАЬI know what sheтАЩs saidтБатАКтБатАж itтАЩs no good, is it?тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm afraid not.тАЭ + 

тАЬDone forтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ said Balcairn. тАЬтАж┬аEnd of the tether.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ He turned over some slips of paper listlessly. тАЬWould it interest you to hear that Agatha and Archie are engaged?тАЭ + 

тАЬI donтАЩt believe it.тАЭ + 

тАЬNeither do I. One of our people has just sent it in. Half of what they send us is lies, and the other half libelтБатАКтБатАж they sent us a long story about Miles and Pamela Popham having spent last night at Arundel.тБатАКтБатАж But we couldnтАЩt use it even if it were true, which it obviously isnтАЩt, knowing Miles. Thank you for doing what you couldтБатАКтБатАж goodbye.тАЭ + 

Downstairs in the outer office there was an altercation in progress. A large man of military appearance was shaking and stamping in front of a middle-aged woman. Adam recognized the social editress. + 

тАЬAnswer me, yes or no,тАЭ the big man was saying. тАЬAre you or are you not responsible for this damnable lie about my daughter?тАЭ + 

(He had read in Simon BalcairnтАЩs column that his daughter had been seen at a night club. To anyone better acquainted with Miss StrapperтАЩs habits of life the paragraph was particularly reticent.) + 

тАЬYes, or no,тАЭ cried the General, тАЬor IтАЩll shake the life out of you.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo.тАЭ + 

тАЬThen who is? Let me get hold of the cad who wrote it. Where is he?тАЭ roared the General. + 

тАЬUpstairs,тАЭ the social editress managed to say. + 

тАЬMore trouble for Simon,тАЭ thought Adam. + 

Adam went to pick Nina up at her flat. They had arranged to go to a cinema together. She said, тАЬYouтАЩre much later than you said. ItтАЩs so boring to be late for a talkie.тАЭ + 

He said, тАЬTalkies are boring, anyhow.тАЭ + 

They treated each other quite differently after their nightтАЩs experiences. Adam was inclined to be egotistical and despondent; Nina was rather grown-up and disillusioned and distinctly cross. Adam began to say that as far as he could see he would have to live on at ShepheardтАЩs now for the rest of his life, or at any rate for the rest of LottieтАЩs life, as it wouldnтАЩt be fair to leave without paying the bill. + 

Then Nina said, тАЬDo be amusing, Adam. I canтАЩt bear you when youтАЩre not amusing.тАЭ + 

Then Adam began to tell her about Simon Balcairn and MargotтАЩs party. He described how he had seen Simon being horsewhipped in the middle of the office. + 

Nina said, тАЬYes, thatтАЩs amusing. Go on like that.тАЭ + 

The story of SimonтАЩs whipping lasted them all the way to the cinema. They were very late for the film Nina wanted to see, and that set them back again. They didnтАЩt speak for a long time. Then Nina said apropos of the film, тАЬAll this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure IтАЩd sooner go to my dentist any day.тАЭ + 

Adam said, тАЬYouтАЩll enjoy it more next time.тАЭ + 

Nina said, тАЬNext time,тАЭ and told him that he took too much for granted. + 

Adam said that was a phrase which only prostitutes used. + 

Then they started a real quarrel which lasted all through the film and all the way to NinaтАЩs flat and all the time she was cutting up a lemon and making a cocktail, until Adam said that if she didnтАЩt stop going on he would ravish her there and then on her own hearthrug. + 

Then Nina went on. + 

But by the time that Adam went to dress she had climbed down enough to admit that perhaps love was a thing one could grow to be fond of after a time, like smoking a pipe. Still she maintained that it made one feel very ill at first, and she doubted if it was worth it. + 

Then they began to argue at the top of the lift about whether acquired tastes were ever worth acquiring. Adam said it was imitation, and that it was natural to man to be imitative, so that acquired tastes were natural. + 

But the presence of the lift boy stopped that argument coming to a solution as the other had done. + 

тАЬMy, ainтАЩt this classy,тАЭ said Divine Discontent. + 

тАЬItтАЩs all right,тАЭ said Chastity in a worldly voice. тАЬNothing to make a song and dance about.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhoтАЩs making a song and dance? I just said it was classyтБатАФand it is classy, ainтАЩt it?тАЭ + 

тАЬI suppose everythingтАЩs classy to some people.тАЭ + 

тАЬNow you two,тАЭ said Temperance, who had been put in charge of the angels for the evening, тАЬdonтАЩt you start anything in here, not with your wings on. Mrs.┬аApe wonтАЩt stand for scrapping in wings, and you know it.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhoтАЩs starting anything?тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, you are then.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, itтАЩs no use talking to Chastity. SheтАЩs too high and mighty to be an angel now. Went out for a drive with Mrs.┬аPanrast in a Rolls Royce,тАЭ said Fortitude. тАЬI saw her. I was so sorry it rained all the time, or it might have been quite enjoyable, mightnтАЩt it, Chastity?тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, you ought to be glad. Leaves the men for you, Fortitude. Only they donтАЩt seem to want to take advantage, do they?тАЭ + 

Then they talked about men for some time. Divine Discontent thought the second footman had nice eyes. + 

тАЬAnd he knows it,тАЭ said Temperance. + 

They were all having supper together in what was still called the schoolroom in Lady MetrolandтАЩs house. From the window they could see the guests arriving for the party. In spite of the rain quite a large crowd had collected on either side of the awning to criticize the cloaks with appreciative тАЬoohsтАЭ and тАЬahsтАЭ or contemptuous sniffs. Cars and taxis drove up in close succession. Lady Circumference splashed up the street in goloshes, wearing a high fender of diamonds under a tartan umbrella. The Bright Young People came popping all together, out of someoneтАЩs electric brougham like a litter of pigs, and ran squealing up the steps. Some тАЬgatecrashersтАЭ who had made the mistake of coming in Victorian fancy dress were detected and repulsed. They hurried home to change for a second assault. No one wanted to miss Mrs.┬аApeтАЩs d├йbut. + 

But the angels were rather uneasy. They had been dressed ever since seven oтАЩclock in their white shifts, gold sashes and wings. It was now past ten, and the strain was beginning to tell, for it was impossible to sit back comfortably in wings. + 

тАЬOh, I wish theyтАЩd hurry up so we could get it over,тАЭ said Creative Endeavour. тАЬMrs.┬аApe said we could have some champagne afterwards if we sang nice.тАЭ + 

тАЬI donтАЩt mind betting sheтАЩs doing herself pretty well, down there.тАЭ + 

тАЬChastity!тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, all right.тАЭ + 

Then the footman with the nice eyes came to clear the table. He gave them a friendly wink as he shut the door. тАЬPretty creatures,тАЭ he thought. тАЬBlooming shame that theyтАЩre so religiousтБатАКтБатАж wasting the best years of their lives.тАЭ + 

(There had been a grave debate in the servantsтАЩ hall about the exact status of angels. Even Mr.┬аBlenkinsop, the butler, had been uncertain. тАЬAngels are certainly not guests,тАЭ he had said, тАЬand I donтАЩt think they are deputations. Nor they ainтАЩt governesses either, nor clergy not strictly speaking; theyтАЩre not entertainers, because entertainers dine nowadays, the moreтАЩs the pity.тАЭ + 

тАЬI believe theyтАЩre decorators,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аBlouse, тАЬor else charitable workers.тАЭ + 

тАЬCharitable workers are governesses, Mrs.┬аBlouse. There is nothing to be gained by multiplying social distinctions indefinitely. Decorators are either guests or workmen.тАЭ + 

After further discussion the conclusion was reached that angels were nurses, and that became the official ruling of the household. But the second footman was of the opinion that they were тАЬyoung persons,тАЭ pure and simple, тАЬand very nice too,тАЭ for nurses cannot, except in very rare cases, be winked at, and clearly angels could.) + 

тАЬWhat we want to know, Chastity,тАЭ said Creative Endeavour, тАЬis how you come to take up with Mrs.┬аPanrast at all.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes,тАЭ said the Angels, тАЬyes. ItтАЩs not like you, Chastity, to go riding in a motor car with a woman.тАЭ They fluttered their feathers in a menacing way. тАЬLetтАЩs third-degree her,тАЭ said Humility with rather nasty relish. + 

(There was a system of impromptu jurisdiction among the Angels which began with innuendo, went on to crossexamination, pinches and slaps and ended, as a rule, in tears and kisses.) + 

Faced by this circle of spiteful and haloed faces, Chastity began to lose her air of superiority. + 

тАЬWhy shouldnтАЩt I ride with a friend,тАЭ she asked plaintively, тАЬwithout all you girls pitching on me like this?тАЭ + 

тАЬFriend,тАЭ said Creative Endeavour. тАЬYou never saw her before today,тАЭ and she gave her a nasty pinch just above the elbow. + 

тАЬOoooh!тАЭ said Chastity. тАЬOoh, pleaseтБатАКтБатАж beast.тАЭ + 

Then they all pinched her all over, but precisely and judiciously, so as not to disturb her wings or halo, for this was no orgy (sometimes in their bedrooms, they gave way, but not here, in Lady MetrolandтАЩs schoolroom, before an important first night). + 

тАЬOoh,тАЭ said Chastity, тАЬOoh, ow, ooh, ow. Please, beasts, swine, cadsтБатАКтБатАж pleaseтБатАКтБатАж ohтБатАКтБатАж well, if you must know, I thought she was a man.тАЭ + 

тАЬThought she was a man, Chastity? That doesnтАЩt sound right to me.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, she looks like a man andтБатАФand she goes on like a man. I saw her sitting at a table in a teashop. She hadnтАЩt got a hat on, and I couldnтАЩt see her skirtтБатАКтБатАж oohтБатАКтБатАж how can I tell you if you keep pinchingтБатАКтБатАж and she smiled and so, well, I went and had some tea with her, and she said would I go out with her in her motor car, and I said yes and, ooh, I wish I hadnтАЩt now.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat did she say in the motor car, Chastity?тАЭ + 

тАЬI forgetтБатАФnothing much.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, what.тАЭ тАЬDo tell us.тАЭ тАЬWeтАЩll never pinch you again if you tell us.тАЭ тАЬIтАЩm sorry if I hurt you, Chastity, do tell me.тАЭ тАЬYouтАЩd better tell us.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, I canтАЩt, reallyтБатАФI donтАЩt remember, I tell you.тАЭ + 

тАЬGive her another little nip, girls.тАЭ + 

тАЬOoh, ooh, ooh, stop. IтАЩll tell you.тАЭ + 

Their heads were close together and they were so deeply engrossed in the story that they did not hear Mrs.┬аApeтАЩs entry. + 

тАЬSmut again,тАЭ said a terrible voice. тАЬGirls, IтАЩm sick ashamed of you.тАЭ + 

Mrs.┬аApe looked magnificent in a gown of heavy gold brocade embroidered with texts. + 

тАЬIтАЩm sick ashamed of you,тАЭ repeated Mrs.┬аApe, тАЬand youтАЩve made Chastity cry again, just before the big act. If you must bully someone, why choose Chastity? You all know by this time that crying always gives her a red nose. How do I look, I should like to know, standing up in front of a lot of angels with red noses. You donтАЩt ever think of nothing but your own pleasures, do you? Sluts.тАЭ This last word was spoken with a depth of expression that set the angels trembling. тАЬThereтАЩll be no champagne for anyone tonight, see. And if you donтАЩt sing perfectly, IтАЩll give the whole lot of you a good hiding, see. Now, come on, now, and for the love of the Lamb, Chastity, do something to your nose. TheyтАЩll think itтАЩs a temperance meeting to see you like that.тАЭ + 

It was a brilliant scene into which the disconsolate angels trooped two minutes later. Margot Metroland shook hands with each of them as they came to the foot of the staircase, appraising them, one by one, with an expert eye. + 

тАЬYou donтАЩt look happy, my dear,тАЭ she found time to say to Chastity, as she led them across the ballroom to their platform, banked in orchids at the far end. тАЬIf you feel you want a change, let me know later, and I can get you a job in South America. I mean it.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, thank you,тАЭ said Chastity, тАЬbut I could never leave Mrs.┬аApe.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, think it over, child. YouтАЩre far too pretty a girl to waste your time singing hymns. Tell that other girl, the redheaded one, that I can probably find a place for her, too.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat, Humility? DonтАЩt you have nothing to do with her. SheтАЩs a fiend.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, some men like rough stuff, but I donтАЩt want anyone who makes trouble with the other girls.тАЭ + 

тАЬShe makes trouble all right. Look at that bruise.тАЭ + 

тАЬMy dear!тАЭ + 

Margot Metroland and Mrs.┬аApe led the angels up the steps between the orchids and stood them at the back of the platform facing the room. Chastity stood next to Creative Endeavour. + 

тАЬPlease, Chastity, IтАЩm sorry if we hurt you,тАЭ said Creative Endeavour. тАЬI didnтАЩt pinch hard, did I?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes,тАЭ said Chastity. тАЬLike hell you did.тАЭ + 

A slightly sticky hand tried to take hers, but she clenched her fist. She would go to South America and work for Lady MetrolandтБатАКтБатАж and she wouldnтАЩt say anything about it to Humility either. She glared straight in front of her, saw Mrs.┬аPanrast and dropped her eyes. + 

The ballroom was filled with little gilt chairs and the chairs with people. Lord Vanburgh, conveniently seated near the door, through which he could slip away to the telephone, was taking them all in. They were almost all, in some way or another, notable. The motives for Margot MetrolandтАЩs second marriage had been mixed, but entirely worldly; chief among them had been the desire to reestablish her somewhat shaken social position, and her party that night testified to her success, for while many people can entertain the Prime Minister and the Duchess of Stayle and Lady Circumference, and anybody can, and often against her will does, entertain Miles Malpractice and Agatha Runcible, it is only a very confident hostess who will invite both these sets together at the same time, differing, as they do, upon almost all questions of principle and deportment. Standing near Vanburgh, by the door, was a figure who seemed in himself to typify the change that had come over Pastmaster House when Margot Beste-Chetwynd became Lady Metroland; an unobtrusive man of rather less than average height, whose black beard, falling in tight burnished curls, nearly concealed the order of St.┬аMichael and St.┬аGeorge which he wore round his neck; he wore a large signet ring on the little finger of his left hand outside his white glove; there was an orchid in his buttonhole. His eyes, youthful but grave, wandered among the crowd; occasionally he bowed with grace and decision. Several people were asking about him. + 

тАЬSee the beaver with the medal,тАЭ said Humility to Faith. + 

тАЬWho is that very important young man?тАЭ asked Mrs.┬аBlackwater of Lady Throbbing. + 

тАЬI donтАЩt know, dear. He bowed to you.тАЭ + 

тАЬHe bowed to you, dear.тАЭ + 

тАЬHow very niceтБатАКтБатАж I wasnтАЩt quite sure.тБатАКтБатАж He reminds me a little of dear Prince Anrep.тАЭ + 

тАЬItтАЩs so nice in these days, isnтАЩt it, dearest, to see someone who really looksтБатАКтБатАж donтАЩt you think?тАЭ + 

тАЬYou mean the beard?тАЭ + 

тАЬThe beard among other things, darling.тАЭ + 

Father Rothschild was conspiring with Mr.┬аOutrage and Lord Metroland. He stopped short in the middle of his sentence. + 

тАЬForgive me,тАЭ he said, тАЬbut there are spies everywhere. That man with the beard, do you know him?тАЭ + 

Lord Metroland thought vaguely he had something to do with the Foreign Office; Mr.┬аOutrage seemed to remember having seen him before. + 

тАЬExactly,тАЭ said Father Rothschild. тАЬI think it would be better if we continued our conversation in private. I have been watching him. He is bowing across the room to empty places and to people whose backs are turned to him.тАЭ The Great Men withdrew to Lord MetrolandтАЩs study. Father Rothschild closed the door silently and looked behind the curtains. + 

тАЬShall I lock the door?тАЭ asked Lord Metroland. + 

тАЬNo,тАЭ said the Jesuit. тАЬA lock does not prevent a spy from hearing; but it does hinder us, inside, from catching the spy.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, I should never have thought of that,тАЭ said Mr.┬аOutrage in frank admiration. + 

тАЬHow pretty Nina Blount is,тАЭ said Lady Throbbing, busy from the front row with her lorgnette, тАЬbut donтАЩt you think, a little changed; almost as thoughтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬYou notice everything, darling.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhen you get to our age, dear, there is so little left, but I do believe Miss Blount must have had an experienceтБатАКтБатАж sheтАЩs sitting next to Miles. You know I heard from Edward tonight. HeтАЩs on his way back. It will be a great blow for Miles because heтАЩs been living in EdwardтАЩs house all this time. To tell you the truth IтАЩm a little glad because from what I hear from Anne Opalthorpe, who lives opposite, the things that go onтБатАКтБатАж heтАЩs got a friend staying there now. Such an odd manтБатАФa dirt-track racer. But then itтАЩs no use attempting to disguise the fact, is there.тБатАКтБатАж ThereтАЩs Mrs.┬аPanrastтБатАКтБатАж yes, dear, of course you know her, she used to be Eleanor BalcairnтБатАКтБатАж now why does dear Margot ask anyone like that, do you think?тБатАКтБатАж it is not as though Margot was so innocentтБатАКтБатАж and thereтАЩs Lord MonomarkтБатАКтБатАж yes, the man who owns those amusing papersтБатАКтБатАж they say that he and Margot, but before her marriage, of course (her second marriage, I mean), but you never know, do you, how things crop up again?тБатАКтБатАж I wonder where Peter Pastmaster is?тБатАКтБатАж he never stays to MargotтАЩs partiesтБатАКтБатАж he was at dinner, of course, and, my dear, how he drank.тБатАКтБатАж He canтАЩt be more than twenty-one.тБатАКтБатАж Oh, so that is Mrs.┬аApe. What a coarse faceтБатАКтБатАж no dear, of course she canтАЩt hearтБатАКтБатАж she looks like a procureuseтБатАКтБатАж but perhaps I shouldnтАЩt say that here, should I?тАЭ + 

Adam came and sat next to Nina. + 

тАЬHullo,тАЭ they said to each other. + 

тАЬMy dear, do look at Mary MouseтАЩs new young man,тАЭ said Nina. + 

Adam looked and saw that Mary was sitting next to the Maharajah of Pukkapore. + 

тАЬI call that a pretty pair,тАЭ he said. + 

тАЬOh, how bored I feel,тАЭ said Nina. + 

Mr.┬аBenfleet was there talking to two poets. They said тАЬтАж┬аand I wrote to tell William that I didnтАЩt write the review, but it was true that Tony did read me the review over the telephone when I was very sleepy before he sent it in. I thought it was best to tell him the truth because he would hear it from Tony anyway. Only I said I advised him not to publish it just as I had advised William not to publish the book in the first place. Well Tony rang up Michael and told him that IтАЩd said that William thought Michael had written the review because of the reviews I had written of MichaelтАЩs book last November, though, as a matter of fact, it was Tony himself who wrote it.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬToo bad,тАЭ said Mr.┬аBenfleet. тАЬToo bad.тАЭ + 

тАЬтАж┬аbut is that any reason, even if I had written it, why Michael should tell Tony that I had stolen five pounds from William?тАЭ + 

тАЬCertainly not,тАЭ said Mr.┬аBenfleet. тАЬToo bad.тАЭ + 

тАЬOf course, theyтАЩre simply not gentlemen, either of them. ThatтАЩs all it is, only oneтАЩs shy of saying it nowadays.тАЭ + 

Mr.┬аBenfleet shook his head sadly and sympathetically. + 

Then Mrs.┬аMelrose Ape stood up to speak. A hush fell in the gilt ballroom beginning at the back and spreading among the chairs until only Mrs.┬аBlackwaterтАЩs voice was heard exquisitely articulating some details of Lady MetrolandтАЩs past. Then she, too, was silent and Mrs.┬аApe began her oration about Hope. + 

тАЬBrothers and Sisters,тАЭ she said in a hoarse, stirring voice. Then she paused and allowed her eyes, renowned throughout three continents for their magnetism, to travel among the gilded chairs. (It was one of her favourite openings.) тАЬJust you look at yourselves,тАЭ she said. + 

Magically, self-doubt began to spread in the audience. Mrs.┬аPanrast stirred uncomfortably; had that silly little girl been talking, she wondered. + 

тАЬDarling,тАЭ whispered Miss Runcible, тАЬis my nose awful?тАЭ + 

Nina thought how once, only twenty-four hours ago, she had been in love. Mr.┬аBenfleet thought should he have made it three percent on the tenth thousand. The gatecrashers wondered whether it would not have been better to have stayed at home. (Once in Kansas City Mrs.┬аApe had got no further than these opening words; there had been a tornado of emotion and all the seats in the hall had been broken to splinters. It was there that Humility had joined the Angels.) There were a thousand things in Lady ThrobbingтАЩs past.тБатАКтБатАж Every heart found something to bemoan. + 

тАЬSheтАЩs got тАЩem again,тАЭ whispered Creative Endeavour. тАЬGot тАЩem stiff.тАЭ + 

Lord Vanburgh slipped from the room to telephone through some racy paragraphs about fashionable piety. + 

Mary Mouse shed two little tears and felt for the brown, bejewelled hand of the Maharajah. + 

But suddenly on that silence vibrant with self-accusation broke the organ voice of England, the hunting-cry of the ancien r├йgime. Lady Circumference gave a resounding snort of disapproval: + 

тАЬWhat a damned impudent woman,тАЭ she said. + 

Adam and Nina and Miss Runcible began to giggle, and Margot Metroland for the first time in her many parties was glad to realize that the guest of the evening was going to be a failure. It had been an awkward moment. + 

In the study Father Rothschild and Mr.┬аOutrage were plotting with enthusiasm. Lord Metroland was smoking a cigar and wondering how soon he could get away. He wanted to hear Mrs.┬аApe and to have another look at those Angels. There was one with red hair.тБатАКтБатАж Besides all this statesmanship and foreign policy had always bored him. In his years in the Commons he had always liked a good scrap, and often thought a little wistfully of those orgies of competitive dissimulation in which he had risen to eminence. Even now, when some straightforward, easily intelligible subject was under discussion, such as poor peopleтАЩs wages or public art, he enjoyed from time to time making a sonorous speech to the Upper House. But this sort of thing was not at all in his line. + 

Suddenly Father Rothschild turned out the light. + 

тАЬThereтАЩs someone coming down the passage,тАЭ he said. + 

тАЬQuick, get behind the curtains.тАЭ + 

тАЬReally, RothschildтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ said Mr.┬аOutrage. + 

тАЬI sayтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ said Lord Metroland. + 

тАЬQuick,тАЭ said Father Rothschild. + 

The three statesmen hid themselves. Lord Metroland, still smoking, his head thrown back and his cigar erect. They heard the door open. The light was turned on. A match was struck. Then came the slight tinkle of the telephone as someone lifted the receiver. + 

тАЬCentral ten thousand,тАЭ said a slightly muffled voice. + 

тАЬNow,тАЭ said Father Rothschild, and stepped through the curtain. + 

The bearded stranger who had excited his suspicions was standing at the table smoking one of Lord MetrolandтАЩs cigars and holding the telephone. + 

тАЬOh, hullo,тАЭ he said, тАЬI didnтАЩt know you were here. Just thought IтАЩd use the telephone. So sorry. WonтАЩt disturb you. Jolly party, isnтАЩt it? Goodbye.тАЭ + 

тАЬStay exactly where you are,тАЭ said Father Rothschild, тАЬand take off that beard.тАЭ + 

тАЬDamned if I do,тАЭ said the stranger crossly. тАЬItтАЩs no use talking to me as though I were one of your choir boysтБатАКтБатАж you old bully.тАЭ + 

тАЬTake off that beard,тАЭ said Father Rothschild. + 

тАЬTake off that beard,тАЭ said Lord Metroland and the Prime Minister, emerging suddenly from behind the curtain. + 

This concurrence of Church and State, coming so unexpectedly after an evening of prolonged embarrassment, was too much for Simon. + 

тАЬOh, all right,тАЭ he said, тАЬif you will make such a thing about itтБатАКтБатАж it hurts too frightfully, if you knewтБатАКтБатАж it ought to be soaked in hot waterтБатАКтБатАж oohтБатАКтБатАж ow.тАЭ + 

He gave some tugs at the black curls, and bit by bit they came away. + 

тАЬThere,тАЭ he said. тАЬNow I should go and make Lady Throbbing take off her wig.тБатАКтБатАж I should have a really jolly evening while youтАЩre about it, if I were you.тАЭ + 

тАЬI seem to have overestimated the gravity of the situation,тАЭ said Father Rothschild. + 

тАЬWho is it, after all this?тАЭ said Mr.┬аOutrage. тАЬWhere are those detectives? What does it all mean?тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЭ said Father Rothschild bitterly, тАЬis Mr.┬аChatterbox.тАЭ + 

тАЬNever heard of him. I donтАЩt believe there is such a person.тБатАКтБатАж Chatterbox, indeedтБатАКтБатАж you make us hide behind a curtain and then you tell us that some young man in a false beard is called Chatterbox. Really, RothschildтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬLord Balcairn,тАЭ said Lord Metroland, тАЬwill you kindly leave my house immediately?тАЭ + 

тАЬIs this young man called Chatterbox or is he not?тБатАКтБатАж Upon my soul, I believe youтАЩre all crazy.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh yes, IтАЩm going,тАЭ said Simon. тАЬYou didnтАЩt think I was going to go back to the party like this, did you?тБатАФor did you?тАЭ Indeed, he looked very odd with little patches of black hair still adhering to parts of his chin and cheeks. + 

тАЬLord Monomark is here this evening. I shall certainly inform him of your behaviourтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬHe writes for the papers,тАЭ Father Rothschild tried to explain to the Prime Minister. + 

тАЬWell, damn it, so do I, but I donтАЩt wear a false beard and call myself Chatterbox.тБатАКтБатАж I simply do not understand what has happened.тБатАКтБатАж Where are those detectives?тБатАКтБатАж Will no one explain?тБатАКтБатАж You treat me like a child,тАЭ he said. It was all like one of those Cabinet meetings, when they all talked about something he didnтАЩt understand and paid no attention to him. + 

Father Rothschild led him away, and attempted with almost humiliating patience and tact to make clear to him some of the complexities of modern journalism. + 

тАЬI donтАЩt believe a word of it,тАЭ the Prime Minister kept saying. тАЬItтАЩs all humbug. YouтАЩre keeping something back.тБатАКтБатАж Chatterbox, indeed.тАЭ + 

Simon Balcairn was given his hat and coat and shown to the door. The crowd round the awning had dispersed. It was still raining. He walked back to his little flat in Bourdon Street. The rain washed a few of the remaining locks from his face; it dripped down his collar. + 

They were washing a car outside his front door; he crept between it and his dustbin, fitted his latchkey in the lock and went upstairs. His flat was like Chez EspinosaтБатАФall oilcloth and Lalique glass; there were some enterprising photographs by David Lennox, a gramophone (on the instalment system) and numberless cards of invitation on the mantelpiece. His bath towel was where he had left it on his bed. + 

Simon went to the ice box in the kitchen and chipped off some ice. Then he made himself a cocktail. Then he went to the telephone. + 

тАЬCentral ten thousandтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ he said. тАЬтАж┬аgive me Mrs.┬аBrace. Hullo, this is Balcairn.тАЭ + 

тАЬWellтБатАКтБатАж gotcher story?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh yes, IтАЩve got my story, only this isnтАЩt gossip, itтАЩs newsтБатАФfront page. YouтАЩll have to fill up the Chatterbox page on EspinosaтАЩs.тАЭ + 

тАЬHell!тАЭ + 

тАЬWait till you see the story.тБатАКтБатАж Hullo, give me news, will you.тБатАКтБатАж This is Balcairn. Put on one of the boys to take this down, will you?тБатАКтБатАж ready? All right.тАЭ + 

At his glass-topped table, sipping his cocktail, Simon Balcairn dictated his last story. + 

тАЬScenes of wild religious enthusiasm, comma, reminiscent of a negro camp-meeting in Southern America, comma, broke out in the heart of Mayfair yesterday evening at the party given for the famous American Revivalist Mrs.┬аApe by the Viscountess Metroland, formerly the Hon.┬аMrs.┬аBeste-Chetwynd, at her historic mansion, Pastmaster House, stop. The magnificent ballroom can never have enshrined a more brilliant assemblyтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

It was his swan-song. Lie after monstrous lie bubbled up in his brain. + 

тАЬтБатАКтБатАж The Hon.┬аAgatha Runcible joined Mrs.┬аApe among the orchids and led the singing, tears coursing down her faceтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

Excitement spread at the Excess office. The machines were stopped. The night staff of reporters, slightly tipsy, as always at that hour, stood over the stenographer as he typed. The compositors snatched the sheets of copy as they came. The subeditors began ruthlessly cutting and scrapping; they suppressed important political announcements, garbled the evidence at a murder trial, reduced the dramatic criticism to one caustic paragraph, to make room for SimonтАЩs story. + 

It came through тАЬhot and strong, as nice as mother makes it,тАЭ as one of them remarked. + 

тАЬLittle Lord FauntleroyтАЩs on a good thing at last,тАЭ said another. + 

тАЬWhat-ho,тАЭ said a third appreciatively. + 

тАЬтБатАКтБатАж barely had Lady Everyman finished before the Countess of Throbbing rose to confess her sins, and in a voice broken with emotion disclosed the hitherto unverified details of the parentage of the present Earl.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬTell Mr.┬аEdwardes to look up photographs of all three of тАЩem,тАЭ said the assistant news editor. + 

тАЬтБатАКтБатАж The Marquess of Vanburgh shaken by sobs of contrition.тБатАКтБатАж Mrs.┬аPanrast, singing feverishly.тБатАКтБатАж Lady Anchorage with downcast eyes.тАЭ + 

тАЬтБатАКтБатАж The Archbishop of Canterbury, who up to now had remained unmoved by the general emotion, then testified that at Eton in the тАЩeighties he and Sir James BrownтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬтБатАКтБатАж the Duchess of Stayle next threw down her emerald and diamond tiara, crying тАШa Guilt Offering,тАЩ an example which was quickly followed by the Countess of Circumference and Lady Brown, until a veritable rain of precious stones fell on to the parquet flooring, heirlooms of priceless value rolling among Tecla pearls and Chanel diamonds. A blank cheque fluttered from the hands of the Maharajah of PukkaporeтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

It made over two columns, and when Simon finally rang off, after receiving the congratulations of his colleagues, he was for the first time in his journalistic experience perfectly happy about his work. He finished the watery dregs of the cocktail shaker and went into the kitchen. He shut the door and the window and opened the door of the gas oven. Inside it was very black and dirty and smelled of meat. He spread a sheet of newspaper on the lowest tray and lay down, resting his head on it. Then he noticed that by some mischance he had chosen VanburghтАЩs gossip-page in the Morning Despatch. He put in another sheet. (There were crumbs on the floor.) Then he turned on the gas. It came surprisingly with a loud roar; the wind of it stirred his hair and the remaining particles of his beard. At first he held his breath. Then he thought that was silly and gave a sniff. The sniff made him cough, and coughing made him breathe, and breathing made him feel very ill; but soon he fell into a coma and presently died. + 

So the last Earl of Balcairn went, as they say, to his fathers (who had fallen in many lands and for many causes, as the eccentricities of British Foreign Policy and their own wandering natures had directed them; at Acre and Agincourt and Killiecrankie, in Egypt and America. One had been picked white by fishes as the tides rolled him among the treetops of a submarine forest; some had grown black and unfit for consideration under tropical suns; while many of them lay in marble tombs of extravagant design). + 

At Pastmaster House, Lady Metroland and Lord Monomark were talking about him. Lord Monomark was roaring with boyish laughter. + 

тАЬThatтАЩs a great lad,тАЭ he said. тАЬCame in a false beard, did he? ThatтАЩs peppy. WhatтАЩd you say his name was? IтАЩll raise him tomorrow first thing.тАЭ + 

And he turned to give SimonтАЩs name to an attendant secretary. + 

And when Lady Metroland began to expostulate, he shut her up rather discourteously. + 

тАЬShucks, Margot,тАЭ he said. тАЬYou know better than to get on a high horse with me.тАЭ + 