IV + 

At Archie SchwertтАЩs party the fifteenth Marquess of Vanburgh, Earl Vanburgh de Brendon, Baron Brendon, Lord of the Five Isles and Hereditary Grand Falconer to the Kingdom of Connaught, said to the eighth Earl of Balcairn, Viscount Erdinge, Baron Cairn of Balcairn, Red Knight of Lancaster, Count of the Holy Roman Empire and Chenonceaux Herald to the Duchy of Aquitaine, тАЬHullo,тАЭ he said. тАЬIsnтАЩt this a repulsive party? What are you going to say about it?тАЭ for they were both of them, as it happened, gossip writers for the daily papers. + 

тАЬIтАЩve just telephoned my story through,тАЭ said Lord Balcairn. тАЬAnd now IтАЩm going, thank God.тАЭ + 

тАЬI canтАЩt think of what to say,тАЭ said Lord Vanburgh. тАЬMy editress said yesterday she was tired of seeing the same names over and over againтБатАФand here they are again, all of them. ThereтАЩs Nina BlountтАЩs engagement being broken off, but sheтАЩs not got any publicity value to speak of. Agatha RuncibleтАЩs usually worth a couple of paragraphs, but theyтАЩre featuring her as a front-page news story tomorrow over this Customs House business.тАЭ + 

тАЬI made rather a good thing over Edward Throbbing being in a log shanty in Canada which he built himself with the help of one Red Indian. I thought that was fairly good because, you see, I could contrast that with Miles being dressed as a Red Indian tonight, donтАЩt you think so, or donтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬI say, thatтАЩs rather good, may I use it?тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, you can have the shanty, but the Red IndianтАЩs mine.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhere is he actually?тАЭ + 

тАЬHeaven knows, Government House at Ottawa, I think.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhoтАЩs that awful-looking woman? IтАЩm sure sheтАЩs famous in some way. ItтАЩs not Mrs.┬аMelrose Ape, is it? I heard she was coming.тАЭ + 

тАЬWho?тАЭ + 

тАЬThat one. Making up to Nina.тАЭ + 

тАЬGood lord, no. SheтАЩs no one. Mrs.┬аPanrast sheтАЩs called now.тАЭ + 

тАЬShe seems to know you.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, IтАЩve known her all my life. As a matter of fact, sheтАЩs my mother.тАЭ + 

тАЬMy dear, how too shaming. DтАЩyou mind if I put that in?тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩd sooner you didnтАЩt. The family canтАЩt bear her. SheтАЩs been divorced twice since then, you know.тАЭ + 

тАЬMy dear, of course not, I quite understand.тАЭ + 

Five minutes later he was busy at the telephone dictating his story. тАЬтАж┬аOrchid stop, new paragraph. One of the most striking women in the room was Mrs.┬аPanrastтБатАФP-A-N-R-A-S-TтИТ, no, T for telephone, you knowтБатАФformerly Countess of Balcairn. She dresses with that severely masculine chic, italics, which American women know so well how to assume, stop. Her son, comma, the present Earl, comma, was with her, stop. Lord Balcairn is one of the few young men about town.тБатАКтБатАж + 

тАЬтАж┬аthe Hon.┬аMiles Malpractice was dressed as a Red Indian. He is at present living in the house of his brother, Lord Throbbing, at which yesterdayтАЩs party was held. His choice of costume was particularlyтБатАФwhat shall I say? hullo, yesтБатАФwas particularly piquant, italics, since the latest reports of Lord Throbbing say that he is living in a log shack in Canada which he built with his own hands, aided by one Red Indian servant, stop.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

You see, that was the kind of party Archie SchwertтАЩs party was. + 

Miss Mouse (in a very enterprising frock by Cheruit) sat on a chair with her eyes popping out of her head. She never could get used to so much excitement, never. Tonight she had brought a little friend with herтБатАФa Miss BrownтБатАФbecause it was so much more fun if one had someone to talk to. It was too thrilling to see all that dull money her father had amassed, metamorphosed in this way into so much glitter and noise and so many bored young faces. Archie Schwert, as he passed, champagne bottle in hand, paused to say, тАЬHow are you, Mary darling? Quite all right?тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs Archie Schwert,тАЭ said Miss Mouse to Miss Brown. тАЬIsnтАЩt he too clever?тАЭ + 

тАЬIs he?тАЭ said Miss Brown, who would have liked a drink, but didnтАЩt know quite how to set about it. тАЬYou are lucky to know such amusing people, Mary darling. I never see anyone.тАЭ + 

тАЬWasnтАЩt the invitation clever? Johnnie Hoop wrote it.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, yes, I suppose it was. But you know, was it dreadful of me, I hadnтАЩt heard of any of the names.тАЭ + 

тАЬMy dear, of course you have,тАЭ said Miss Mouse, feeling somewhere in her depthsтБатАФthose unplumbed places in Miss MouseтАЩs soulтБатАФa tiny, most unaccustomed flicker of superiority; for she had gone through that invitation word by word in papaтАЩs library some days ago and knew all about it. + 

She almost wished in this new mood of exaltation that she had come to the party in fancy dress. It was called a Savage party, that is to say that Johnnie Hoop had written on the invitation that they were to come dressed as savages. Numbers of them had done so; Johnnie himself in a mask and black gloves represented the Maharanee of Pukkapore, somewhat to the annoyance of the Maharajah, who happened to drop in. The real aristocracy, the younger members of those two or three great brewing families which rule London, had done nothing about it. They had come on from a dance and stood in a little group by themselves, aloof, amused but not amusing. Pit-a-pat went the heart of Miss Mouse. How she longed to tear down her dazzling frock to her hips and dance like a Bacchante before them all. One day she would surprise them all, thought Miss Mouse. + 

There was a famous actor making jokes (but it was not so much what he said as the way he said it that made the people laugh who did laugh). тАЬIтАЩve come to the party as a wild widower,тАЭ he said. They were that kind of jokeтБатАФbut, of course, he made a droll face when he said it. + 

Miss Runcible had changed into Hawaiian costume and was the life and soul of the evening. + 

She had heard someone say something about an Independent Labour Party, and was furious that she had not been asked. + 

There were two men with a lot of explosive powder taking photographs in another room. Their flashes and bangs had rather a disquieting effect on the party, causing a feeling of tension, because everyone looked negligent and said what a bore the papers were, and how too like Archie to let the photographers come, but most of them as a matter of fact wanted dreadfully to be photographed and the others were frozen with unaffected terror that they might be taken unawares and then their mamas would know where they had been when they said they were at the BicestersтАЩ dance, and then there would be a row again, which was so exhausting, if nothing else. + 

There were Adam and Nina getting rather sentimental. + 

тАЬDтАЩyou know,тАЭ she said, pulling out a lump, тАЬIтАЩd quite made up my mind that your hair was dark?тАЭ Archie Schwert, pausing with a bottle of champagne, said, тАЬDonтАЩt be so sadistic, Nina.тАЭ + 

тАЬGo away, hogтАЩs rump,тАЭ said Adam, in Cockney, adding, in softer tones, тАЬAre you disappointed?тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, no, but itтАЩs rather disconcerting getting engaged to someone with dark hair and finding itтАЩs fair.тАЭ + 

тАЬAnyway, we arenтАЩt engaged any more, are weтБатАФor are we?тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm not sure that weтАЩre not. How much money have you, Adam?тАЭ + 

тАЬLiterally, none, my dear. Poor Agatha had to pay for dinner as it was, and God knows what IтАЩm going to do about Lottie CrumpтАЩs bill.тАЭ + 

тАЬOf course, you knowтБатАФAdam, donтАЩt fall asleepтБатАФthereтАЩs always papa. I believe heтАЩs really much richer than he looks. He might give us some money until your books start paying.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou know, if I wrote a book a month I should be free of that contract in a year.тБатАКтБатАж I hadnтАЩt thought of that before. I donтАЩt at all see why I shouldnтАЩt do that, do you?тБатАКтБатАж or do you?тАЭ + 

тАЬOf course not, darling. IтАЩll tell you what. WeтАЩll go down and see papa tomorrow, shall we?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, that would be divine, darling.тАЭ + 

тАЬAdam, donтАЩt go to sleep.тАЭ + 

тАЬSorry, darling, what I meant was that that would be divine.тАЭ + 

And he went to sleep for a little, with his head in her lap. + 

тАЬPretty as a picture,тАЭ said Archie, in Cockney, passing with a bottle of champagne in his hand. + 

тАЬWake up, Adam,тАЭ said Nina, pulling out more hair. тАЬItтАЩs time to go.тАЭ + 

тАЬThat would be divine.тБатАКтБатАж I say, have I been asleep?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, for hours and hours. You looked rather sweet.тАЭ + 

тАЬAnd you sat there.тБатАКтБатАж I say, Nina, you are getting sentimental.тБатАКтБатАж Where are we going?тАЭ + 

There were about a dozen people left at the party; that hard kernel of gaiety that never breaks. It was about three oтАЩclock. + 

тАЬLetтАЩs go to Lottie CrumpтАЩs and have a drink,тАЭ said Adam. + 

So they all got into two taxicabs and drove across Berkeley Square to Dover Street. But at ShepheardтАЩs the night porter said that Mrs.┬аCrump had just gone to bed. He thought that Judge Skimp was still up with some friends; would they like to join them? They went up to Judge SkimpтАЩs suite, but there had been a disaster there with a chandelier that one of his young ladies had tried to swing on. They were bathing her forehead with champagne; two of them were asleep. + 

So AdamтАЩs party went out again, into the rain. + 

тАЬOf course, thereтАЩs always the Ritz,тАЭ said Archie. тАЬI believe the night porter can usually get one a drink.тАЭ But he said it in the sort of voice that made all the others say, no, the Ritz was too, too boring at that time of night. + 

They went to Agatha RuncibleтАЩs house, which was quite near, but she found that sheтАЩd lost her latchkey, so that was no good. Soon someone would say those fatal words, тАЬWell, I think itтАЩs time for me to go to bed. Can I give anyone a lift to Knightsbridge?тАЭ and the party would be over. + 

But instead a little breathless voice said, тАЬWhy donтАЩt you come to my house?тАЭ + 

It was Miss Brown. + 

So they all got into taxicabs again and drove rather a long way to Miss BrownтАЩs house. She turned on the lights in a sombre dining-room and gave them glasses of whisky and soda. (She turned out to be rather a good hostess, though overzealous.) Then Miles said he wanted something to eat, so they all went downstairs into a huge kitchen lined with every shape of pot and pan and found some eggs and some bacon and Miss Brown cooked them. Then they had some more whisky upstairs and Adam fell asleep again. Presently Vanburgh said, тАЬDтАЩyou mind if I use the telephone? I must just send the rest of my story to the paper.тАЭ Miss Brown took him to a study that looked almost like an office, and he dictated the rest of his column, and then he came back and had some more whisky. + 

It was a lovely evening for Miss Brown. Flushed with successful hospitality, she trotted from guest to guest, offering here a box of matches, there a cigar, there a fruit from the enormous gilt dishes on the sideboard. To think that all these brilliant people, whom she had heard so much about, with what envy, from Miss Mouse, should be here in papaтАЩs dining-room, calling her тАЬmy dearтАЭ and тАЬdarling.тАЭ And when at last they said they really had to go, Miss Runcible said, тАЬWell, I canтАЩt go, because IтАЩve lost my latchkey. DтАЩyou mind awfully if I sleep here?тАЭ + 

Miss Brown, her heart in her mouth, but in the most natural way possible, said, тАЬOf course not, Agatha darling, that would be divine.тАЭ + 

And then Miss Runcible said, тАЬHow too divine of you, darling.тАЭ + 

Rapture! + 

At half-past nine the next morning the Brown family came down to breakfast in the dining-room. + 

There were four quiet girls (of whom the Miss Brown who had given the party was the youngest), their brother worked in a motor shop and had had to get off early. They were seated at the table when their mama came down. + 

тАЬNow, children,тАЭ she said, тАЬdo try to remember to talk to your father at breakfast. He was quite hurt yesterday. He feels out of things. ItтАЩs so easy to bring him into the conversation if you take a little trouble, and he does so enjoy hearing about everything.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, Mama,тАЭ they said. тАЬWe do try, you know.тАЭ + 

тАЬAnd what was the BicestersтАЩ dance like, Jane?тАЭ she said, pouring out some coffee. тАЬDid you have a good time?тАЭ + 

тАЬIt was just too divine,тАЭ said the youngest Miss Brown. + 

тАЬIt was what, Jane?тАЭ + 

тАЬI mean it was lovely, Mama.тАЭ + 

тАЬSo I should think. You girls are very lucky nowadays. There were not nearly so many dances when I was your age. Perhaps two a week in the season, you know, but none before Christmas ever.тАЭ + 

тАЬMama.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, Jane.тАЭ + 

тАЬMama. I asked a girl to stay the night.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, dear. When? WeтАЩre rather full up, you know.тАЭ + 

тАЬLast night, Mama.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat an extraordinary thing to do. Did she accept?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, sheтАЩs here now.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell.тБатАКтБатАж Ambrose, will you tell Mrs.┬аSparrow to put on another egg?тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm very sorry, my lady, Mrs.┬аSparrow canтАЩt understand it, but there are no eggs this morning. She thinks there must have been burglars.тАЭ + 

тАЬNonsense, Ambrose, who ever heard of burglars coming into a house to steal eggs?тАЭ + 

тАЬThe shells were all over the floor, my lady.тАЭ + 

тАЬI see. ThatтАЩs all, thank you, Ambrose. Well, Jane, has your guest eaten all our eggs too?тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, IтАЩm afraid she hasтБатАКтБатАж at leastтБатАКтБатАж I mean.тАЭ + 

At this moment Agatha Runcible came down to breakfast. She was not looking her best really in the morning light. + 

тАЬGood morning, all,тАЭ she said in Cockney. тАЬIтАЩve found the right room at last. DтАЩyou know, I popped into a study or something. There was a sweet old boy sitting at a desk. He did look surprised to see me. Was it your papa?тАЭ + 

тАЬThis is Mama,тАЭ said Jane. + 

тАЬHow are you?тАЭ said Miss Runcible. тАЬI say, I think itтАЩs quite too sweet of you to let me come down to breakfast like this.тАЭ (It must be remembered that she was still in Hawaiian costume.) тАЬAre you sure youтАЩre not furious with me? All this is really much more embarrassing for me, isnтАЩt it, donтАЩt you thinkтБатАКтБатАж or donтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

тАЬDo you take tea or coffee?тАЭ at last JaneтАЩs mother managed to say. тАЬJane, dear, give your friend some breakfast.тАЭ For in the course of a long public life she had formed the opinion that a judicious offer of food eased most social situations. + 

Then JaneтАЩs father came in. + 

тАЬMartha, the most extraordinary thing!тБатАКтБатАж I think I must be losing my reason. I was in my study just now going over that speech for this afternoon, when suddenly the door opened and in came a sort of dancing Hottentot woman half-naked. It just said, тАШOh, how shy-making,тАЩ and then disappeared, andтБатАКтБатАж ohтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ For he had suddenly caught sight of Miss Runcible тАЬтАж┬аohтБатАКтБатАж how do you do?тБатАКтБатАж HowтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬI donтАЩt think you have met my husband before.тАЭ + 

тАЬOnly for a second,тАЭ said Miss Runcible. + 

тАЬI hope you slept well,тАЭ said JaneтАЩs father desperately. + 

тАЬMartha never told me we had a guest. Forgive me if I appeared inhospitableтБатАКтБатАж IтБатАФerтБатАКтБатАж Oh, why doesnтАЩt somebody else say something.тАЭ + 

Miss Runcible, too, was feeling the strain. She picked up the morning paper. + 

тАЬHereтАЩs something terribly funny,тАЭ she said, by way of making conversation. тАЬShall I read it to you?тАЭ + 

тАЬтАКтАШMidnight Orgies at No.┬а10.тАЩ My dear, isnтАЩt that divine? Listen, тАШWhat must be the most extraordinary party of the little season took place in the small hours of this morning at No.┬а10, Downing Street. At about 4┬аa.m. the policemen who are always posted outside the Prime MinisterтАЩs residence were surprised to witnessтАЩтБатАФIsnтАЩt this too amusingтБатАФтАШthe arrival of a fleet of taxis, from which emerged a gay throng in exotic fancy dressтАЩтБатАФHow I should have loved to have seen it. CanтАЩt you imagine what they were like?тБатАФтАШthe hostess of what was described by one of the guests as the brightest party the Bright Young People have yet given, was no other than Miss Jane Brown, the youngest of the Prime MinisterтАЩs four lovely daughters. The Honourable AgathaтБатАКтБатАжтАЩ Why, what an extraordinary thing.тБатАКтБатАж Oh, my God!тАЭ + 

Suddenly light came flooding in on Miss RuncibleтАЩs mind as once when, in her d├йbutante days, she had gone behind the scenes at a charity matin├йe, and returning had stepped through the wrong door and found herself in a blaze of floodlights on the stage in the middle of the last act of Othello. тАЬOh, my God!тАЭ she said, looking round the Brown breakfast table. тАЬIsnтАЩt that just too bad of Vanburgh. HeтАЩs always doing that kind of thing. It really would serve him right if we complained and he lost his job, donтАЩt you think so, Sir JamesтБатАКтБатАж orтБатАКтБатАж donтАЩt you?тАЭ + 

Miss Runcible paused and met the eyes of the Brown family once more. + 

тАЬOh, dear,тАЭ she said, тАЬthis really is all too bogus.тАЭ + 

Then she turned round and, trailing garlands of equatorial flowers, fled out of the room and out of the house to the huge delight and profit of the crowd of reporters and Press photographers who were already massed round the historic front door. + 