I + 

It was clearly going to be a bad crossing. + 

With Asiatic resignation Father Rothschild S.J. put down his suitcase in the corner of the bar and went on deck. (It was a small suitcase of imitation crocodile hide. The initials stamped on it in Gothic characters were not Father RothschildтАЩs, for he had borrowed it that morning from the valet-de-chambre of his hotel. It contained some rudimentary underclothes, six important new books in six languages, a false beard and a school atlas and gazetteer heavily annotated.) Standing on the deck Father Rothschild leant his elbows on the rail, rested his chin in his hands and surveyed the procession of passengers coming up the gangway, each face eloquent of polite misgiving. + 

Very few of them were unknown to the Jesuit, for it was his happy knack to remember everything that could possibly be learned about everyone who could possibly be of any importance. His tongue protruded very slightly and, had they not all been so concerned with luggage and the weather, someone might have observed in him a peculiar resemblance to those plaster reproductions of the gargoyles of Notre Dame which may be seen in the shop windows of artistsтАЩ colourmen tinted the colour of тАЬOld Ivory,тАЭ peering intently from among stencil outfits and plasticine and tubes of watercolour paint. High above his head swung Mrs.┬аMelrose ApeтАЩs travel-worn Packard car, bearing the dust of three continents, against the darkening sky, and up the companionway at the head of her angels strode Mrs.┬аMelrose Ape, the woman evangelist. + 

тАЬFaith.тАЭ + 

тАЬHere, Mrs.┬аApe.тАЭ + 

тАЬCharity.тАЭ + 

тАЬHere, Mrs.┬аApe.тАЭ + 

тАЬFortitude.тАЭ + 

тАЬHere, Mrs.┬аApe.тАЭ + 

тАЬChastity.тБатАКтБатАж Where is Chastity?тАЭ + 

тАЬChastity didnтАЩt feel well, Mrs.┬аApe. She went below.тАЭ + 

тАЬThat girlтАЩs more trouble than sheтАЩs worth. Whenever thereтАЩs any packing to be done, Chastity doesnтАЩt feel well. Are all the rest hereтБатАФHumility, Prudence, Divine Discontent, Mercy, Justice and Creative Endeavour?тАЭ + 

тАЬCreative Endeavour lost her wings, Mrs.┬аApe. She got talking to a gentleman in the train.тБатАКтБатАж Oh, there she is.тАЭ + 

тАЬGot тАЩem?тАЭ asked Mrs.┬аApe. + 

Too breathless to speak, Creative Endeavour nodded. (Each of the angels carried her wings in a little black box like a violin case.) + 

тАЬRight,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аApe, тАЬand just you hold on to тАЩem tight and not so much talking to gentlemen in trains. YouтАЩre angels, not a panto, see?тАЭ + 

The angels crowded together disconsolately. It was awful when Mrs.┬аApe was like this. My, how they would pinch Chastity and Creative Endeavour when they got them alone in their nightshirts. It was bad enough their going to be so sick without that they had Mrs.┬аApe pitching into them too. + 

Seeing their discomfort, Mrs.┬аApe softened and smiled. She was nothing if not тАЬmagnetic.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, girls,тАЭ she said, тАЬI must be getting along. They say itтАЩs going to be rough, but donтАЩt you believe it. If you have peace in your hearts your stomach will look after itself, and remember if you do feel queerтБатАФsing. ThereтАЩs nothing like it.тАЭ + 

тАЬGoodbye, Mrs.┬аApe, and thank you,тАЭ said the angels; they bobbed prettily, turned about and trooped aft to the second-class part of the ship. Mrs.┬аApe watched them benignly, then, squaring her shoulders and looking (except that she had really no beard to speak of) every inch a sailor, strode resolutely forrard to the first-class bar. + 

Other prominent people were embarking, all very unhappy about the weather; to avert the terrors of seasickness they had indulged in every kind of civilized witchcraft, but they were lacking in faith. + 

Miss Runcible was there, and Miles Malpractice, and all the Younger Set. They had spent a jolly morning strapping each otherтАЩs tummies with sticking plaster (how Miss Runcible had wriggled). + 

The Right Honourable Walter Outrage, M.P., last weekтАЩs Prime Minister, was there. Before breakfast that morning (which had suffered in consequence) Mr.┬аOutrage had taken twice the maximum dose of a patent preparation of chloral, and losing heart later had finished the bottle in the train. He moved in an uneasy trance, closely escorted by the most public-looking detective sergeants. These men had been with Mr.┬аOutrage in Paris, and what they did not know about his goings on was not worth knowing, at least from a novelistтАЩs point of view. (When they spoke about him to each other they called him тАЬthe Right Honourable Rape,тАЭ but that was more by way of being a pun about his name than a criticism of the conduct of his love affairs, in which, if the truth were known, he displayed a notable diffidence and the liability to panic.) + 

Lady Throbbing and Mrs.┬аBlackwater, those twin sisters whose portrait by Millais auctioned recently at ChristieтАЩs made a record in rock-bottom prices, were sitting on one of the teak benches eating apples and drinking what Lady Throbbing, with late Victorian chic, called тАЬa bottle of pop,тАЭ and Mrs.┬аBlackwater, more exotically, called тАЬchampagne,тАЭ pronouncing it as though it were French. + 

тАЬSurely, Kitty, that is Mr.┬аOutrage, last weekтАЩs Prime Minister.тАЭ + 

тАЬNonsense, Fanny, where?тАЭ + 

тАЬJust in front of the two men with bowler hats, next to the clergyman.тАЭ + 

тАЬIt is certainly like his photographs. How strange he looks.тАЭ + 

тАЬJust like poor ThrobbingтБатАКтБатАж all that last year.тАЭ + 

тАЬтАж┬аAnd none of us even suspectedтБатАКтБатАж until they found the bottles under the board in his dressing-roomтБатАКтБатАж and we all used to think it was drinkтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬI donтАЩt think one finds quite the same class as Prime Minister nowadays, do you think?тАЭ + 

тАЬThey say that only one person has any influence with Mr.┬аOutrageтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬAt the Japanese EmbassyтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬOf course, dear, not so loud. But tell me, Fanny, seriously, do you think really and truly Mr.┬аOutrage has it?тАЭ + 

тАЬHe has a very nice figure for a man of his age.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, but his age, and the bull-like type is so often disappointing. Another glass? You will be grateful for it when the ship begins to move.тАЭ + 

тАЬI quite thought we were moving.тАЭ + 

тАЬHow absurd you are, Fanny, and yet I canтАЩt help laughing.тАЭ + 

So arm in arm and shaken by little giggles the two tipsy old ladies went down to their cabin. + 

Of the other passengers, some had filled their ears with cotton wool, others wore smoked glasses, while several ate dry captainтАЩs biscuits from paper bags, as Red Indians are said to eat snakeтАЩs flesh to make them cunning. Mrs.┬аHoop repeated feverishly over and over again a formula she had learned from a yogi in New York City. A few тАЬgood sailors,тАЭ whose luggage bore the labels of many voyages, strode aggressively about smoking small, foul pipes and trying to get up a four of bridge. + 

Two minutes before the advertised time of departure, while the first admonitory whistling and shouting was going on, a young man came on board carrying his bag. There was nothing particularly remarkable about his appearance. He looked exactly as young men like him do look; he was carrying his own bag, which was disagreeably heavy, because he had no money left in francs and very little left in anything else. He had been two months in Paris writing a book and was coming home because, in the course of his correspondence, he had got engaged to be married. His name was Adam Fenwick-Symes. + 

Father Rothschild smiled at him in a kindly manner. + 

тАЬI doubt whether you remember me,тАЭ he said. тАЬWe met at Oxford five years ago at luncheon with the Dean of Balliol. I shall be interested to read your book when it appearsтБатАФan autobiography, I understand. And may I be one of the first to congratulate you on your engagement? I am afraid you will find your father-in-law a little eccentricтБатАФand forgetful. He had a nasty attack of bronchitis this winter. ItтАЩs a draughty houseтБатАФfar too big for these days. Well, I must go below now. It is going to be rough and I am a bad sailor. We meet at Lady MetrolandтАЩs on the twelfth, if not, as I hope, before.тАЭ + 

Before Adam had time to reply the Jesuit disappeared. Suddenly the head popped back. + 

тАЬThere is an extremely dangerous and disagreeable woman on boardтБатАФa Mrs.┬аApe.тАЭ + 

Then he was gone again, and almost at once the boat began to slip away from the quay towards the mouth of the harbour. + 

Sometimes the ship pitched and sometimes she rolled and sometimes she stood quite still and shivered all over, poised above an abyss of dark water; then she would go swooping down like a scenic railway train into a windless hollow and up again with a rush into the gale; sometimes she would burrow her path, with convulsive nosings and scramblings like a terrier in a rabbit hole; and sometimes she would drop dead like a lift. It was this last movement that caused the most havoc among the passengers. + 

тАЬOh,тАЭ said the Bright Young People. тАЬOh, oh oh.тАЭ + 

тАЬItтАЩs just exactly like being inside a cocktail shaker,тАЭ said Miles Malpractice. тАЬDarling, your faceтБатАФeau de Nil.тАЭ + 

тАЬToo, too sick-making,тАЭ said Miss Runcible, with one of her rare flashes of accuracy. + 

Kitty Blackwater and Fanny Throbbing lay one above the other in their bunks rigid from wig to toe. + 

тАЬI wonder, do you think the champagneтБатАКтБатАжтАК?тАЭ + 

тАЬKitty.тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, Fanny, dear.тАЭ + 

тАЬKitty, I think, in fact, I am sure I have some sal volatile.тБатАКтБатАж Kitty, I thought that perhaps as you are nearerтБатАКтБатАж it would really hardly be safe for me to try and descendтБатАКтБатАж I might break a leg.тАЭ + 

тАЬNot after champagne, Fanny, do you think?тАЭ + 

тАЬBut I need it. Of course, dear, if itтАЩs too much trouble?тАЭ + 

тАЬNothing is too much trouble, darling, you know that. But now I come to think of it, I remember, quite clearly, for a fact, that you did not pack the sal volatile.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, Kitty, oh, Kitty, pleaseтБатАКтБатАж you would be sorry for this if I diedтБатАКтБатАж oh.тАЭ + 

тАЬBut I saw the sal volatile on your dressing-table after your luggage had gone down, dear. I remember thinking, I must take that down to Fanny, and then, dear, I got confused over the tips, so you seeтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬIтБатАКтБатАж putтБатАКтБатАж itтБатАКтБатАж inтБатАКтБатАж myself.тБатАКтБатАж Next to my brushesтБатАКтБатАж youтБатАКтБатАж beast.тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, FannyтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬOhтБатАКтБатАж OhтБатАКтБатАж Oh.тАЭ + 

To Father Rothschild no passage was worse than any other. He thought of the sufferings of the saints, the mutability of human nature, the Four Last Things, and between whiles repeated snatches of the penitential psalms. + 

The Leader of His MajestyтАЩs Opposition lay sunk in a rather glorious coma, made splendid by dreams of Oriental imageryтБатАФof painted paper houses; of golden dragons and gardens of almond blossom; of golden limbs and almond eyes, humble and caressing; of very small golden feet among almond blossoms; of little painted cups full of golden tea; of a golden voice singing behind a painted paper screen; of humble, caressing little golden hands and eyes shaped like almonds and the colour of night. + 

Outside his door two very limp detective sergeants had deserted their posts. + 

тАЬThe bloke as could make trouble on a ship like this тАЩere deserves to get away with it,тАЭ they said. + 

The ship creaked in every plate, doors slammed, trunks fell about, the wind howled; the screw, now out of the water, now in, raced and churned, shaking down hatboxes like ripe apples; but above all the roar and clatter there rose from the second-class ladiesтАЩ saloon the despairing voices of Mrs.┬аApeтАЩs angels, in frequently broken unison, singing, singing, wildly, desperately, as though their hearts would break in the effort and their minds lose their reason, Mrs.┬аApeтАЩs famous hymn, тАЬThere AinтАЩt No Flies on the Lamb of God.тАЭ + 

The Captain and the Chief Officer sat on the bridge engrossed in a crossword puzzle. + 

тАЬLooks like we may get some heavy weather if the wind gets up,тАЭ he said. тАЬShouldnтАЩt wonder if there wasnтАЩt a bit of a sea running tonight.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, we canтАЩt always have it quiet like this,тАЭ said the Chief Officer. тАЬWord of eighteen letters meaning carnivorous mammal. Search me if I know how they do think of these things.тАЭ + 

Adam Fenwick-Symes sat among the good sailors in the smoking-room drinking his third Irish whisky and wondering how soon he would feel definitely ill. Already there was a vague depression gathering at the top of his head. There were thirty-five minutes more, probably longer with the head wind keeping them back. + 

Opposite him sat a much-travelled and chatty journalist telling him smutty stories. From time to time Adam interposed some more or less appropriate comment, тАЬNo, I say thatтАЩs a good one,тАЭ or, тАЬI must remember that,тАЭ or just тАЬHa, Ha, Ha,тАЭ but his mind was not really in a receptive condition. + 

Up went the ship, up, up, up, paused and then plunged down with a sidelong slither. Adam caught at his glass and saved it. Then shut his eyes. + 

тАЬNow IтАЩll tell you a drawing-room one,тАЭ said the journalist. + 

Behind them a game of cards was in progress among the commercial gents. At first they had rather a jolly time about it, saying, тАЬWhat ho, she bumps,тАЭ or тАЬSteady, the Buffs,тАЭ when the cards and glasses and ashtray were thrown on to the floor, but in the last ten minutes they were growing notably quieter. It was rather a nasty kind of hush. + 

тАЬтАж┬аAnd forty aces and two-fifty for the rubber. Shall we cut again or stay as we are?тАЭ + 

тАЬHow about knocking off for a bit? Makes me tiredтБатАФtable moving about all the time.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhy, Arthur, you ainтАЩt feeling ill, surely?тАЭ + 

тАЬтАКтАЩCourse I ainтАЩt feeling ill, only tired.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, of course, if ArthurтАЩs feeling illтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ + 

тАЬWhoтАЩd have thought of old Arthur feeling ill?тАЭ + 

тАЬI ainтАЩt feeling ill, I tell you. Just tired. But if you boys want to go on IтАЩm not the one to spoil a game.тАЭ + 

тАЬGood old Arthur. тАЩCourse he ainтАЩt feeling ill. Look out for the cards, Bill, up she goes again.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat about one all round? Same again?тАЭ + 

тАЬSame again.тАЭ + 

тАЬGood luck, Arthur.тАЭ тАЬGood luck.тАЭ тАЬHereтАЩs fun.тАЭ тАЬDown she goes.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhose deal? You dealt last, didnтАЩt you, Mr.┬аHenderson?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, ArthurтАЩs deal.тАЭ + 

тАЬYour deal, Arthur. Cheer up, old scout.тАЭ + 

тАЬDonтАЩt you go doing that. It isnтАЩt right to hit a chap on the back like that.тАЭ + 

тАЬLook out with the cards, Arthur.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell, what dтАЩyou expect, being hit on the back like that. Makes me tired.тАЭ + 

тАЬHere, I got fifteen cards.тАЭ + 

тАЬI wonder if youтАЩve heard this one,тАЭ said the journalist. тАЬThere was a man lived at Aberdeen, and he was terribly keen on fishing, so when he married, he married a woman with worms. ThatтАЩs rich, eh? You see he was keen on fishing, see, and she had worms, see, he lived in Aberdeen. ThatтАЩs a good one that is.тАЭ + 

тАЬDтАЩyou know, I think I shall go on deck for a minute. A bit stuffy in here, donтАЩt you think?тАЭ + 

тАЬYou canтАЩt do that. The seaтАЩs coming right over it all the time. Not feeling queer, are you?тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, of course IтАЩm not feeling queer. I only thought a little fresh airтБатАКтБатАж Christ, why wonтАЩt the damn thing stop?тАЭ + 

тАЬSteady, old boy. I wouldnтАЩt go trying to walk about, not if I were you. Much better stay just where you are. What you wantтАЩs a spot of whisky.тАЭ + 

тАЬNot feeling ill, you know. Just stuffy.тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs all right, old boy. Trust Auntie.тАЭ + 

The bridge party was not being a success. + 

тАЬHullo, Mr.┬аHenderson. WhatтАЩs that spade?тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs the ace that is.тАЭ + 

тАЬI can see itтАЩs the ace. What I mean you didnтАЩt ought to have trumped that last trick not if you had a spade.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat dтАЩyou mean, didnтАЩt ought to have trumped it? Trumps led.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, they did not. Arthur led a spade.тАЭ + 

тАЬHe led a trump, didnтАЩt you, Arthur?тАЭ + 

тАЬArthur led a spade.тАЭ + 

тАЬHe couldnтАЩt have led a spade because for why he put a heart on my king of spades when I thought he had the queen. He hasnтАЩt got no spades.тАЭ + 

тАЬWhat dтАЩyou mean, not got no spades? I got the queen.тАЭ + 

тАЬArthur, old man, you must be feeling queer.тАЭ + 

тАЬNo, I ainтАЩt, I tell you, just tired. YouтАЩd be tired if youтАЩd been hit on the back same as I wasтБатАКтБатАж anyway IтАЩm fed up with this gameтБатАКтБатАж there go the cards again.тАЭ + 

This time no one troubled to pick them up. Presently Mr.┬аHenderson said, тАЬFunny thing, donтАЩt know why I feel all swimmy of a sudden. Must have ate something that wasnтАЩt quite right. You never can tell with foreign foodsтБатАФall messed up like they do.тАЭ + 

тАЬNow you mention it, I donтАЩt feel too spry myself. Damn bad ventilation on these Channel boats.тАЭ + 

тАЬThatтАЩs what it is. Ventilation. You said it.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou know IтАЩm funny. I never feel seasick, mind, but I often find going on boats doesnтАЩt agree with me.тАЭ + 

тАЬIтАЩm like that, too.тАЭ + 

тАЬVentilationтБатАКтБатАж a disgrace.тАЭ + 

тАЬLord, I shall be glad when we get to Dover. Home, sweet home, eh?тАЭ + 

Adam held on very tightly to the brassbound edge of the table and felt a little better. He was not going to be sick, and that was that; not with that gargoyle of a man opposite anyway. They must be in sight of land soon. + 

It was at this time, when things were at their lowest, that Mrs.┬аApe reappeared in the smoking-room. She stood for a second or two in the entrance balanced between swinging door and swinging doorpost; then as the ship momentarily righted herself, she strode to the bar, her feet well apart, her hands in the pockets of her tweed coat. + 

тАЬDouble rum,тАЭ she said and smiled magnetically at the miserable little collection of men seated about the room. тАЬWhy, boys,тАЭ she said, тАЬbut youтАЩre looking terrible put out over something. WhatтАЩs it all about? Is it your souls thatтАЩs wrong or is it that the ship wonтАЩt keep still? Rough? тАЩCourse itтАЩs rough. But let me ask you this. If youтАЩre put out this way over just an hourтАЩs seasicknessтАЭ (тАЬNot seasick, ventilation,тАЭ said Mr.┬аHenderson mechanically), тАЬwhat are you going to be like when you make the mighty big journey thatтАЩs waiting for us all? Are you right with God?тАЭ said Mrs.┬аApe. тАЬAre you prepared for death?тАЭ + 

тАЬOh, am I not?тАЭ said Arthur. тАЬI тАЩavenтАЩt thought of nothing else for the last half hour.тАЭ + 

тАЬNow, boys, IтАЩll tell you what weтАЩre going to do. WeтАЩre going to sing a song together, you and me.тАЭ (тАЬOh, God,тАЭ said Adam.) тАЬYou may not know it, but you are. YouтАЩll feel better for it body and soul. ItтАЩs a song of Hope. You donтАЩt hear much about Hope these days, do you? Plenty about Faith, plenty about Charity. TheyтАЩve forgotten all about Hope. ThereтАЩs only one great evil in the world today. Despair. I know all about England, and I tell you straight, boys, IтАЩve got the goods for you. HopeтАЩs what you want and HopeтАЩs what I got. Here, steward, hand round these leaflets. ThereтАЩs the song on the back. Now all togetherтБатАКтБатАж sing. Five bob for you, steward, if you can shout me down. Splendid, all together, boys.тАЭ + 

In a rich, very audible voice Mrs.┬аApe led the singing. Her arms rose, fell and fluttered with the rhythm of the song. The bar steward was hers alreadyтБатАФinaccurate sometimes in his reading of the words, but with a sustained power in the low notes that defied competition. The journalist joined in next and Arthur set up a little hum. Soon they were all at it, singing like blazes, and it is undoubtedly true that they felt the better for it. + 

Father Rothschild heard it and turned his face to the wall. + 

Kitty Blackwater heard it. + 

тАЬFanny.тАЭ + 

тАЬWell.тАЭ + 

тАЬFanny, dear, do you hear singing?тАЭ + 

тАЬYes, dear, thank you.тАЭ + 

тАЬFanny, dear, I hope they arenтАЩt holding a service. I mean, dear, it sounds so like a hymn. Do you think, possibly, we are in danger? Fanny, are we going to be wrecked?тАЭ + 

тАЬI should be neither surprised nor sorry.тАЭ + 

тАЬDarling, how can you?тБатАКтБатАж We should have heard it, shouldnтАЩt we, if we had actually hit anything?тБатАКтБатАж Fanny, dear, if you like I will have a look for your sal volatile.тАЭ + 

тАЬI hardly think that would be any help, dear, since you saw it on my dressing-table.тАЭ + 

тАЬI may have been mistaken.тАЭ + 

тАЬYou said you saw it.тАЭ + 

The captain heard it. тАЬAll the time I been at sea,тАЭ he said, тАЬI never could stand for missionaries.тАЭ + 

тАЬWord of six letters beginning with ZB,тАЭ said the chief officer, тАЬmeaning тАШused in astronomic calculation.тАЩтАКтАЭ + 

тАЬZ canтАЩt be right,тАЭ said the captain after a few minutesтАЩ thought. + 

The Bright Young People heard it. тАЬSo like oneтАЩs first parties,тАЭ said Miss Runcible, тАЬbeing sick with other people singing.тАЭ + 

Mrs.┬аHoop heard it. тАЬWell,тАЭ she thought, тАЬIтАЩm through with theosophy after this journey. Reckon IтАЩll give the Catholics the once over.тАЭ + 

Aft, in the second-class saloon, where the screw was doing its worst, the angels heard it. It was some time since they had given up singing. + 

тАЬHer again,тАЭ said Divine Discontent. + 

Mr.┬аOutrage alone lay happily undisturbed, his mind absorbed in lovely dream sequences of a world of little cooing voices, so caressing, so humble; and dark eyes, night-coloured, the shape of almonds over painted paper screens; little golden bodies, so flexible, so firm, so surprising in the positions they assumed. + 

They were still singing in the smoking-room when, in very little more than her usual time, the ship came into the harbour at Dover. Then Mrs.┬аApe, as was her invariable rule, took round the hat and collected nearly two pounds, not counting her own five shillings which she got back from the bar steward. тАЬSalvation doesnтАЩt do them the same good if they think itтАЩs free,тАЭ was her favourite axiom. + 