VII
Then Adam became Mr.┬аChatterbox. He and Nina were lunching at EspinosaтАЩs and quarrelling half-heartedly when a businesslike, Eton-cropped woman came across to their table, whom Adam recognized as the social editress of the Daily Excess.
тАЬSee here,тАЭ she said, тАЬwerenтАЩt you over at the office with Balcairn the day he did himself in?тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
тАЬWell, a pretty mess heтАЩs let us in for. Sixty-two writs for libel up to date and more coming in. And thatтАЩs not the worst. Left me to do his job and mine. I was wondering if you could tell me the names of any of these people and anything about them.тАЭ
Adam pointed out a few well-worn faces.
тАЬYes, they ainтАЩt no good. TheyтАЩre on the black list. You see, Monomark was in an awful way about BalcairnтАЩs story of Lady MetrolandтАЩs party, and heтАЩs sent down a chit that none of the people who are bringing actions against the paper can be mentioned again. Well, I ask you, whatтАЩs one to do? ItтАЩs just bricks without straw. Why, we canтАЩt even mention the Prime Minister or the Archbishop of Canterbury. I suppose you donтАЩt know of anyone whoтАЩd care to take on the job? TheyтАЩd have to be a pretty good mutt, if they would.тАЭ
тАЬWhat do they pay?тАЭ
тАЬTen pounds a week and expenses. Know anyone?тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩd do it myself for that.тАЭ
тАЬYou?тАЭ The social editress looked at him sceptically. тАЬWould you be any good?тАЭ
тАЬIтАЩll try for a week or two.тАЭ
тАЬThatтАЩs about as long as anyone sticks it. All right, come back to the office with me when youтАЩve finished lunch. You canтАЩt cause more trouble than Balcairn, anyhow, and he looked the goods at first.тАЭ
тАЬNow we can get married,тАЭ said Nina.
Meanwhile the libel actions against the authors, printers and publishers of Simon BalcairnтАЩs last story practically paralysed the judicial system of the country. The old brigade, led by Mrs.┬аBlackwater, threw themselves with relish into an orgy of litigation such as they had not seen since the war (one of the younger counsel causing Lady Throbbing particular delight.тБатАКтБатАж тАЬI do think, when you get to my age, dear, there is something sympathetique about a wig, donтАЩt you?тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ). The younger generation for the most part allowed their cases to be settled out of court and later gave a very delightful party on the proceeds in a captive dirigible. Miss Runcible, less well advised, filled two albums with Press cuttings portraying her various appearances at the Law Courts, sometimes as plaintiff, sometimes as witness, sometimes (in a hat borrowed from Miss Mouse) as part of the queue of тАЬfashionably dressed women waiting for admission,тАЭ once as an intruder being removed by an usher from the Press gallery, and finally as prisoner being sentenced to a fine of ten pounds or seven daysтАЩ imprisonment for contempt of court.
The proceedings were considerably complicated by the behaviour of Mrs.┬аApe, who gave an interview in which she fully confirmed Simon BalcairnтАЩs story. She also caused her Press agent to wire a further account to all parts of the world. She then left the country with her angels, having received a sudden call to ginger up the religious life of Oberammergau.
At intervals letters arrived from Buenos Aires in which Chastity and Divine Discontent spoke rather critically of Latin American entertainment.
тАЬThey didnтАЩt know when they was well off,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аApe.
тАЬIt donтАЩt sound much different from us,тАЭ said Creative Endeavour wistfully.
тАЬThey wonтАЩt be dead five minutes before they see the difference,тАЭ said Mrs.┬аApe.
Edward Throbbing and two secretaries returned to Hertford Street somewhat inopportunely for Miles and his dirt-track racer, who were obliged to move into ShepheardтАЩs. Miles said that the thing he resented about his brotherтАЩs return was not so much the inconvenience as the expense. For some weeks Throbbing suffered from the successive discoveries by his secretaries of curious and compromising things in all parts of the house; his butler, too, seemed changed. He hiccuped heavily while serving dinner to two Secretaries of State, complained of spiders in his bath and the sound of musical instruments, and finally had тАЬthe horrors,тАЭ ran mildly amok in the pantry with the kitchen poker, and had to be taken away in a van. Long after these immediate causes of distress had been removed, the life of ThrobbingтАЩs secretaries was periodically disturbed by ambiguous telephone calls and the visits of menacing young men who wanted new suits or tickets to America, or a fiver to go on with.
But all these events, though of wide general interest, are of necessity a closed book to the readers of Mr.┬аChatterboxтАЩs page.
Lord MonomarkтАЩs black list had made a devastating change in the personnel of the Daily Excess gossip. In a single day Mr.┬аChatterboxтАЩs readers found themselves plunged into a murky underworld of nonentities. They were shown photographs of the misshapen daughters of backwoods peers carrying buckets of meal to their fathersтАЩ chickens; they learned of the engagement of the younger sister of the Bishop of Chertsey and of a dinner party given in Elm Park Gardens by the widow of a High Commissioner to some of the friends she had made in their colony. There were details of the blameless home life of women novelists, photographed with their spaniels before rose-covered cottages; stories of undergraduate тАЬragsтАЭ and regimental reunion dinners; anecdotes from Harley Street and the Inns of Court; snaps and snippets about cocktail parties given in basement flats by spotty announcers at the B.B.C., of tea dances in Gloucester Terrace and jokes made at High Table by dons.
Urged on by the taunts of the social editress, Adam brought new enterprise and humanity into this sorry column. He started a series of тАЬNotable Invalids,тАЭ which was from the first, wildly successful. He began chattily. тАЬAt a dinner party the other evening my neighbour and I began to compile a list of the most popular deaf peeresses. First, of course, came old Lady т╕╗тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
Next day he followed it up with a page about deaf peers and statesmen; then about the one-legged, blind and bald. Postcards of appreciation poured in from all over the country.
тАЬI have read your column for many years now,тАЭ wrote a correspondent from Bude, тАЬbut this is the first time I have really enjoyed it. I have myself been deaf for a long time, and it is a great comfort to me to know that my affliction is shared by so many famous men and women. Thank you, Mr.┬аChatterbox, and good luck to you.тАЭ
Another wrote: тАЬEver since childhood I have been cursed with abnormally large ears which have been a source of ridicule to me and a serious handicap in my career (I am a chub fuddler). I should be so glad to know whether any great people have suffered in the same way.тАЭ
Finally, he ransacked the lunatic asylums and mental houses of the country, and for nearly a week ran an extremely popular series under the heading тАЬTitled Eccentrics.тАЭ
тАЬIt is not generally known that the Earl of т╕╗, who lives in strict retirement, has the unusual foible of wearing costume of the Napoleonic Period. So great, indeed, is his detestation of modern dress that on one occasionтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
тАЬLord т╕╗, whose public appearances are regrettably rare nowadays, is a close student of comparative religions. There is an amusing story of how, when lunching with the then Dean of Westminster, Lord т╕╗ startled his host by proclaiming that so far from being of divine ordinance, the Ten Commandments were, in point of fact, composed by himself and delivered by him to Moses on Sinai.тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
тАЬLady т╕╗, whose imitations of animal sounds are so lifelike that she can seldom be persuaded to converse in any other way,тБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
And so on.
Besides this, arguing that people did not really mind whom they read about provided that a kind of vicarious inquisitiveness into the lives of others was satisfied, Adam began to invent people.
He invented a sculptor called Provna, the son of a Polish nobleman, who lived in a top-floor studio in Grosvenor House. Most of his work (which was all in private hands) was constructed in cork, vulcanite and steel. The Metropolitan Museum at New York, Mr.┬аChatterbox learned, had been negotiating for some time to purchase a specimen, but so far had been unable to outbid the collectors.
Such is the power of the Press, that soon after this a steady output of early Provnas began to travel from Warsaw to Bond Street and from Bond Street to California, while Mrs.┬аHoop announced to her friends that Provna was at the moment at work on a bust of Johnny, which she intended to present to the nation (a statement which Adam was unable to record owing to the presence of Mrs.┬аHoopтАЩs name on the black list, but which duly appeared, under a photograph of Johnny, in the Marquess of VanburghтАЩs rival column).
Encouraged by his success, Adam began gradually to introduce to his readers a brilliant and lovely company. He mentioned them casually at first in lists of genuine people. There was a popular young attach├й at the Italian Embassy called Count Cincinnati. He was descended from the famous Roman Consul, Cincinnatus, and bore a plough as his crest. Count Cincinnati was held to be the best amateur cellist in London. Adam saw him one evening dancing at the Caf├й de la Paix. A few evenings later Lord Vanburgh noticed him at Covent Garden, remarking that his collection of the original designs for the Russian ballet was unequalled in Europe. Two days later Adam sent him to Monte Carlo for a few daysтАЩ rest, and Vanburgh hinted that there was more in this visit than met the eye, and mentioned the daughter of a well-known American hostess who was staying there at her auntтАЩs villa.
There was a Captain Angus Stuart-Kerr, too, whose rare appearances in England were a delight to his friends; unlike most big-game hunters, he was an expert and indefatigable dancer. Much to AdamтАЩs disgust he found Captain Stuart-Kerr taken up by an unknown gossip writer in a twopenny, illustrated weekly, who saw him at a point-to-point meeting, and remarked that he was well known as the hardest rider in the Hebrides. Adam put a stop to that next day.
тАЬSome people,тАЭ he wrote, тАЬare under the impression that Captain Angus Stuart-Kerr, whom I mentioned on this page a short time ago, is a keen rider. Perhaps they are confusing him with Alastair Kerr-Stuart, of Inverauchty, a very distant cousin. Captain Stuart-Kerr never rides, and for a very interesting reason. There is an old Gaelic rhyme repeated among his clansmen which says in rough translation тАШthe Laird rides well on two legs.тАЩ Tradition has it that when the head of the house mounts a horse the clan will be dispersed.тАЭ
But AdamтАЩs most important creation was Mrs.┬аAndrew Quest. There was always some difficulty about introducing English people into his column as his readers had a way of verifying his references in Debrett (as he knew to his cost, for one day, having referred to the engagement of the third and youngest daughter of a Welsh baronet, he received six postcards, eighteen telephone calls, a telegram and a personal visit of protest to inform him that there are two equally beautiful sisters still in the schoolroom. The social editress had been scathing about this). However, he put Imogen Quest down one day, quietly and decisively, as the most lovely and popular of the younger married set. And from the first she exhibited signs of a marked personality. Adam wisely eschewed any attempts at derivation, but his readers nodded to each other and speedily supplied her with an exalted if irregular origin. Everything else Adam showered upon her. She had slightly more than average height, and was very dark and slim, with large Laurencin eyes and the negligent grace of the trained athlete (she fenced with the sabre for half an hour every morning before breakfast). Even Provna, who was notoriously indifferent to conventional beauty, described her as тАЬjustifying the century.тАЭ
Her clothes were incomparable, with just that suggestion of the haphazard which raised them high above the mere chic of the mannequin.
Her character was a lovely harmony of contending virtuesтБатАФshe was witty and tender hearted; passionate and serene, sensual and temperate, impulsive and discreet.
Her set, the most intimate and brilliant in Europe, achieved a superb mean between those two poles of savagery Lady Circumference and Lady Metroland.
Soon Imogen Quest became a byword for social inaccessibilityтБатАФthe final goal for all climbers.
Adam went one day to a shop in Hanover Square to watch Nina buy some hats and was seriously incommoded by the heaps of bandboxes disposed on the chairs and dressing-tables ostentatiously addressed to Mrs.┬аAndrew Quest. He could hear her name spoken reverently in cocktail clubs, and casually let slip in such phrases as тАЬMy dear, I never see Peter now. He spends all his time with Imogen Quest,тАЭ or тАЬAs Imogen would sayтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ or тАЬI think the Quests have got one like that. I must ask them where it came from.тАЭ And this knowledge on the intangible Quest set, moving among them in uncontrolled dignity of life, seemed to leaven and sweeten the lives of Mr.┬аChatterboxтАЩs readers.
One day Imogen gave a party, the preparations for which occupied several paragraphs. On the following day Adam found his table deep in letters of complaint from gatecrashers who had found the house in Seamore Place untenanted.
Finally a message came down that Lord Monomark was interested in Mrs.┬аQuest; could Mr.┬аChatterbox arrange a meeting. That day the Quests sailed for Jamaica.
Adam also attempted in an unobtrusive way to exercise some influence over the clothes of his readers. тАЬI noticed at the Caf├й de la Paix yesterday evening,тАЭ he wrote, тАЬthat two of the smartest men in the room were wearing black su├иde shoes with their evening clothesтБатАФone of them, who shall be nameless, was a Very Important Person indeed. I hear that this fashion, which comes, like so many others, from New York, is likely to become popular over here this season.тАЭ A few days later he mentioned Captain Stuart-KerrтАЩs appearance at the Embassy тАЬwearing, of course, the ultra-fashionable black su├иde shoes.тАЭ In a week he was gratified to notice that Johnny Hoop and Archie Schwert had both followed Captain Stuart-KerrтАЩs lead, while in a fortnight the big emporiums of ready-made clothes in Regent Street had transposed their tickets in the windows and arranged rows of black su├иde shoes on a silver step labelled тАЬFor evening wear.тАЭ
His attempt to introduce a bottle-green bowler hat, however, was not successful; in fact, a тАЬwell-known St.┬аJamesтАЩs Street hatter,тАЭ when interviewed by an evening paper on the subject, said that he had never seen or heard of such a thing, and though he would not refuse to construct one if requested to by an old customer, he was of the opinion that no old customer of his would require a hat of that kind (though there was a sad case of an impoverished old beau who attempted to stain a grey hat with green ink, as once in years gone by he had been used to dye the carnation for his buttonhole).
As the days passed, Mr.┬аChatterboxтАЩs page became almost wholly misleading. With sultanesque caprice Adam would tell his readers of inaccessible eating-houses which were now the centre of fashion; he drove them to dance in temperance hotels in Bloomsbury. In a paragraph headed тАЬMontparnasse in Belgravia,тАЭ he announced that the buffet at Sloane Square tube station had become the haunt of the most modern artistic coterie (Mr.┬аBenfleet hurried there on his first free evening, but saw no one but Mrs.┬аHoop and Lord Vanburgh and a plebeian topper with a celluloid collar).
As a last resort, on those hopeless afternoons when invention failed and that black misanthropy settled on him which waits alike on gossip writer and novelist, Adam sometimes found consolation in seizing upon some gentle and self-effacing citizen and transfiguring him with a blaze of notoriety.
He did this with a man called Ginger.
As part of his duties, which led him into many unusual places, Adam and Nina went up to Manchester for the November Handicap. Here they had the disheartening experience of seeing Indian Runner come in an easy winner and the totalisator paying out thirty-five to one. It was during the bottle-green bowler campaign, and Adam was searching in vain for any sign of his influence when, suddenly, among the crowd, he saw the genial red face of the drunk Major to whom he had entrusted his thousand pounds at LottieтАЩs. It seemed odd that a man so bulky could be so elusive. Adam was not sure whether the Major saw him, but in some mysterious way AdamтАЩs pursuit coincided with the MajorтАЩs complete disappearance. The crowd became very dense, brandishing flasks and sandwiches. When Adam reached the spot where the Major had stood he found two policemen arresting a pickpocket.
тАЬтАКтАЩEre, who are you pushing?тАЭ asked the spectators.
тАЬHave you seen a drunk Major anywhere?тАЭ asked Adam.
But no one could help him, and he returned disconsolately to Nina, whom he found in conversation with a young man with a curly red moustache.
The young man said he was fed up with racing, and Adam said he was too; so the young man said why didnтАЩt they come back to London in his bus, so Adam and Nina said they would. The bus turned out to be a very large, brand-new racing car, and they got to London in time for dinner. Nina explained that the young man used to play with her as a child, and that he had been doing something military in Ceylon for the last five years. The young manтАЩs name was Eddy Littlejohn, but over dinner he said, look here, would they call him Ginger; everyone else did. So they began to call him Ginger, and he said wouldnтАЩt it be a good idea if they had another bottle of fizz, and Nina and Adam said yes, it would, so they had a magnum and got very friendly.
тАЬYou know,тАЭ said Ginger, тАЬit was awful luck meeting you two today. I was getting awfully fed up with London. ItтАЩs so damn slow. I came back meaning to have a good time, you know, paint the place red a bit, and all that. Well, the other day I was reading the paper, and there was a bit that said that the posh place to go to dance nowadays was the Casanova Hotel in Bloomsbury. Well, it seemed a bit rum to meтБатАФplace IтАЩd never heard of, you knowтБатАФbut, still, IтАЩd been away for some time and places change and all that, so I put on my bib and tucker and toddled off, hoping for a bit of innocent amusement. Well, I mean to say, you never saw such a place. There were only about three people dancing, so I said, тАШWhereтАЩs the bar?тАЩ And they said, тАШBar!тАЩ And I said, тАШYou know, for a drink.тАЩ And they said, well, they could probably make me some coffee. And I said, тАШNo, not coffee.тАЩ And then they said they hadnтАЩt got a licence for what they called alcohol. Well, I mean to say, if thatтАЩs the best London can do, give me Colombo. I wonder who writes things like that in the papers?тАЭ
тАЬAs a matter of fact, I do.тАЭ
тАЬI say no, do you? You must be frightfully brainy. Did you write all that about the green bowlers?тАЭ
тАЬYes.тАЭ
тАЬWell, I mean to say, whoever heard of a green bowler, I mean.тБатАКтБатАж I tell you what, you know, I believe it was all a leg pull. You know, I think thatтАЩs damn funny. Why, a whole lot of poor mutts may have gone and bought green bowlers.тАЭ
After this they went on to the Caf├й de la Paix, where they met Johnny Hoop, who asked them all to the party in a few daysтАЩ time in the captive balloon.
But Ginger was not to be had twice.
тАЬOh, no you know,тАЭ he said, тАЬnot in a captive balloon. YouтАЩre trying to pull the old leg again. Whoever heard of a party in a captive balloon? I mean to say, suppose one fell out, I mean?тАЭ
Adam telephoned his page through to the Excess, and soon after this a coloured singer appeared, paddling his black su├иde shoes in a pool of limelight, who excited GingerтАЩs disapproval. He didnтАЩt mind niggers, Ginger said; remarking justly that niggers were all very well in their place, but, after all, one didnтАЩt come all the way from Colombo to London just to see niggers. So they left the Caf├й de la Paix, and went to LottieтАЩs, where Ginger became a little moody, saying that London wasnтАЩt home to him any more and that things were changed.
тАЬYou know,тАЭ said Ginger, тАЬall the time IтАЩve been out in Ceylon IтАЩve always said to myself, тАШAs soon as the governor kicks the bucket, and I come in for the family doubloons and pieces of eight, IтАЩm going to come back to England and have a real old bust.тАЩ And now when it comes to the point there doesnтАЩt seem to be anything I much want to do.тАЭ
тАЬHow about a little drink?тАЭ said Lottie.
So Ginger had a drink, and then he and an American sang the Eton Boating Song several times. At the end of the evening he admitted that there was some life left in the jolly old capital of the Empire.
Next day Mr.┬аChatterboxтАЩs readers learned that: тАЬCaptain тАШGingerтАЩ Littlejohn, as he is known to his intimates, was one of the well-known sporting figures at the November Handicap who favoured the new bottle-green bowler. Captain Littlejohn is one of the wealthiest and best-known bachelors in Society, and I have lately heard his name spoken of in connection with the marriage of the daughter of a famous ducal house. He came all the way to yesterdayтАЩs races in his own motor omnibus, which he drives himselfтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
For some days GingerтАЩs name figured largely on AdamтАЩs page, to his profound embarrassment. Several engagements were predicted for him, it was rumoured that he had signed a contract with a film company, that he had bought a small island in the Bristol Channel which he proposed to turn into a country club, and that his forthcoming novel about Singalese life contained many very thinly disguised portraits of London celebrities.
But the green bowler joke had gone too far. Adam was sent for by Lord Monomark.
тАЬNow see here, Symes,тАЭ said the great man, тАЬI like your page. ItтАЩs peppy; itтАЩs got plenty of new names in it and itтАЩs got the intimate touch I like. I read it every day and so does my daughter. Keep on that way and youтАЩll be all right. But whatтАЩs all this about bottle-green bowlers?тАЭ
тАЬWell, of course, sir, theyтАЩre only worn by a limited number of people at present, butтБатАКтБатАжтАЭ
тАЬHave you got one? Show me a green bowler.тАЭ
тАЬI donтАЩt wear one myself, IтАЩm afraid.тАЭ
тАЬWell, where dтАЩyou see тАЩem? I havenтАЩt seen one yet. My daughter hasnтАЩt seen one. Who does wear тАЩem? Where do they buy тАЩem? ThatтАЩs what I want to know. Now see here, Symes, I donтАЩt say that there ainтАЩt any such thing as a green bowler; there may be and again there maynтАЩt. But from now on there are going to be no more bottle-green bowlers in my paper. See. And another thing. This Count Cincinnati. I donтАЩt say he doesnтАЩt exist. He may do and he maynтАЩt. But the Italian Ambassador doesnтАЩt know anything about him and the Almanak de Gotha doesnтАЩt. So as far as my paper goes thatтАЩs good enough for him. And I donтАЩt want any more about EspinosaтАЩs. They made out my bill wrong last night.
тАЬGot those three things clear? Tabulate them in the mindтБатАФ1, 2, 3, thatтАЩs the secret of memory. TabтАСuтАСlate. All right, then, run along now and tell the Home Secretary he can come right in. YouтАЩll find him waiting in the passageтБатАФugly little man with a pince-nez.тАЭ