I’d die sooner than tell Sashenka that I’ve lost my work and can’t keep the family. If only I hadn’t been so overbearing in days gone by! If only I hadn’t been so exacting and presumptuous! To think of the way I used to come out with, “You might be more careful about my food! What would happen to you all if I were to fall ill?” or, “Do keep the place quiet! I must get a little rest!” or, “Why is the tea cold? Why isn’t my coat brushed? Look at the fluff on the sleeve!” The presumptuousness of it!
I try to economise by going without food as much as I can. I never take any supper at all now, easily excusing myself on account of my precious digestion; however, I very rarely feel hungry. I was overcome by the alarming thought yesterday that, running about as much as I do, I should wear out my boots, and I promptly went into the Rumiantsev Garden, where I sat for a couple of hours, to spare them. It will come to going about naked soon, to spare my clothes!
How long shall I be able to endure it? My misery knows no bounds. Every sensitive spot in me has been pierced by the thorn. When I try to picture my heart it seems like a lump of stringy sausage made of dog flesh, rather than the keeper of lofty feelings and desires. What have I done to deserve it all? Why must I bear this inhuman pain?
To make sport of a man like this? How long will my patience last? Why must I cringe and scrape? Am I a coward?
As I wandered through the square yesterday, gazing at the dusty pavement, bestrewn with cigarette ends, at the trembling leaves on the trees, at the houses on the other side of the river, the thought suddenly occurred to me that, did I but choose, I could join my darling Lidotchka in a few moments, my dear, eternally beloved child. Happiness smiled to me at the thought, a heavenly light seemed to descend upon my unfortunate head. I was, for the moment, rich and free, the richest and freest being in the whole world.
Why do I go on struggling against odds? Why am I careful of my boots, like a respectable pauper, when freedom and happiness are so close at hand in the deep, fastly-flowing river?