I can’t exist like this! I wasn’t made for wicked, vicious thoughts, and can find no others in my wretched soul. Sleep has deserted me. I am consumed inwardly by a white flame like a tree that is drying at the roots. I am afraid to look at my contorted face in the glass. I wander about until I am ready to drop and my legs are as heavy as lead, then I fling myself on my bed, and go to sleep instantly; but at three in the morning I start up, as at the sound of a drum, and go to my windowsill, and there I sit until five or six, staring aimlessly at the Petrograd night, also sleepless. Horrible light! horrible night! Whether it’s pouring with rain and the walls of the house are soaking wet, or the sun is playing among the chimney pots, it is appalling alike in this dead, motionless town. It seems as if the prophecy was fulfilled and mankind was destroyed, and over the scene of destruction shone the useless light of a useless day. + 

The house opposite is flat and high If you happened to fall from the top there would be nothing to clutch hold of to stop you. I can’t get rid of a tormenting thought that I’ve fallen from the roof, down, down, to the pavement past windows and cornices. The sensation is so real as to make me sick. To get away from the sight of that wall I pace the room, but there is little comfort in that. I step cautiously over the creaking floor, barefoot, in pants only, seeming more and more like a lunatic or a hunted murderer. And still it is light! And still it is light! + 

I can’t go on like this! In like conditions, I suppose, men write the words, “Accuse no one of my death; I am tired of life.” + 

What rubbish I allow myself to talk! I am simply not well, and must treat myself. I really must be more careful of my health. + 

Lidotchka, my angel, set me free. Give me tears that I may weep for you! I can’t go on as I am. Pray to God for me; you are so near to Him; you can look into His eyes. Ask Him to have mercy on your father, Lidotchka, my darling, my silent angel; remember how I carried you from the bed to the table, and held you close, oh, so close.⁠ ⁠… + 