Scene + 

III + 

An outer room in the same. + 

Enter Lovewit in the Spanish dress, with the Parson. Loud knocking at the door. + 

Lovewit + 

What do you mean, my masters? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Without. Open your door, + 

Cheaters, bawds, conjurers. + 

Officer + 

Without. Or we will break it open. + 

Lovewit + 

What warrant have you? + 

Officer + 

Without. Warrant enough, sir, doubt not, + 

If you’ll not open it. + 

Lovewit + 

Is there an officer, there? + 

Officer + 

Without. Yes, two or three for failing. + 

Lovewit + 

Have but patience, + 

And I will open it straight. + 

Enter Face, as butler. + 

Face + 

Sir, have you done? + 

Is it a marriage? Perfect? + 

Lovewit + 

Yes, my brain. + 

Face + 

Off with your ruff and cloak then; be yourself, sir. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

Without. Down with the door. + 

Kastril + 

Without. ’Slight, ding it open. + 

Lovewit + 

Opening the door. Hold, + 

Hold, gentlemen, what means this violence? + 

Mammon, Surly, Kastril, Ananias, Tribulation, and Officers, rush in. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Where is this collier? + 

Pertinax Surly + 

And my Captain Face? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

These day owls. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

That are birding in men’s purses. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Madam Suppository. + 

Kastril + 

Doxy, my sister. + 

Ananias + 

Locusts + 

Of the foul pit. + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

Profane as Bel and the dragon. + 

Ananias + 

Worse than the grasshoppers, or the lice of Egypt. + 

Lovewit + 

Good gentlemen, hear me. Are you officers, + 

And cannot stay this violence? + 

1 Officer + 

Keep the peace. + 

Lovewit + 

Gentlemen, what is the matter? Whom do you seek? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

The chemical cozener. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

And the Captain pander. + 

Kastril + 

The nun my sister. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Madam Rabbi. + 

Ananias + 

Scorpions, + 

And caterpillars. + 

Lovewit + 

Fewer at once, I pray you. + 

2 Officer + 

One after another, gentlemen, I charge you, + 

By virtue of my staff. + 

Ananias + 

They are the vessels + 

Of pride, lust, and the cart. + 

Lovewit + 

Good zeal, lie still + 

A little while. + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

Peace, deacon Ananias. + 

Lovewit + 

The house is mine here, and the doors are open; + 

If there be any such persons as you seek for, + 

Use your authority, search on o’ God’s name. + 

I am but newly come to town, and finding + 

This tumult ’bout my door, to tell you true, + 

It somewhat mazed me; till my man, here, fearing + 

My more displeasure, told me he had done + 

Somewhat an insolent part, let out my house + 

(Belike, presuming on my known aversion + 

From any air o’ the town while there was sickness,) + 

To a Doctor and a Captain: who, what they are + 

Or where they be, he knows not. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Are they gone? + 

Lovewit + 

You may go in and search, sir. + 

Mammon, Ananias, and Tribulation go in. + 

Here, I find + 

The empty walls worse than I left them, smoked, + 

A few cracked pots, and glasses, and a furnace: + 

The ceiling filled with poesies of the candle, + 

And madam with a dildo writ o’ the walls: + 

Only one gentlewoman, I met here, + 

That is within, that said she was a widow⁠— + 

Kastril + 

Ay, that’s my sister; I’ll go thump her. Where is she? + 

Goes in. + 

Lovewit + 

And should have married a Spanish Count, but he, + 

When he came to’t, neglected her so grossly, + 

That I, a widower, am gone through with her. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

How! Have I lost her then? + 

Lovewit + 

Were you the Don, sir? + 

Good faith, now, she does blame you extremely, and says + 

You swore, and told her you had taken the pains + 

To dye your beard, and umber o’er your face, + 

Borrowed a suit, and ruff, all for her love; + 

And then did nothing. What an oversight, + 

And want of putting forward, sir, was this! + 

Well fare an old harquebuzier, yet, + 

Could prime his powder, and give fire, and hit, + 

All in a twinkling! + 

Reenter Mammon. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

The whole nest are fled! + 

Lovewit + 

What sort of birds were they? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

A kind of choughs, + 

Or thievish daws, sir, that have picked my purse + 

Of eight score and ten pounds within these five weeks, + 

Beside my first materials; and my goods, + 

That lie in the cellar, which I am glad they have left, + 

I may have home yet. + 

Lovewit + 

Think you so, sir? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Ay. + 

Lovewit + 

By order of law, sir, but not otherwise. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Not mine own stuff! + 

Lovewit + 

Sir, I can take no knowledge + 

That they are yours, but by public means. + 

If you can bring certificate that you were gulled of them, + 

Or any formal writ out of a court, + 

That you did cozen yourself, I will not hold them. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

I’ll rather lose them. + 

Lovewit + 

That you shall not, sir, + 

By me, in troth: upon these terms, they are yours. + 

What! Should they have been, sir, turned into gold, all? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

No, + 

I cannot tell⁠—It may be they should.⁠—What then? + 

Lovewit + 

What a great loss in hope have you sustained! + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Not I, the Commonwealth has. + 

Face + 

Ay, he would have built + 

The city new; and made a ditch about it + 

Of silver, should have run with cream from Hogsden; + 

That every Sunday, in Moorfields, the younkers, + 

And tits and tomboys should have fed on, gratis. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

I will go mount a turnip-cart, and preach + 

The end of the world, within these two months. Surly, + 

What! In a dream? + 

Pertinax Surly + 

Must I needs cheat myself, + 

With that same foolish vice of honesty! + 

Come, let us go and hearken out the rogues: + 

That Face I’ll mark for mine, if e’er I meet him. + 

Face + 

If I can hear of him, sir, I’ll bring you word, + 

Unto your lodging; for in troth, they were strangers + 

To me, I thought them honest as myself, sir. + 

Exeunt Mammon and Surly. + 

Reenter Ananias and Tribulation. + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

’Tis well, the saints shall not lose all yet. Go, + 

And get some carts⁠— + 

Lovewit + 

For what, my zealous friends? + 

Ananias + 

To bear away the portion of the righteous + 

Out of this den of thieves. + 

Lovewit + 

What is that portion? + 

Ananias + 

The goods sometimes the orphan’s, that the Brethren + 

Bought with their silver pence. + 

Lovewit + 

What, those in the cellar, + 

The knight Sir Mammon claims? + 

Ananias + 

I do defy + 

The wicked Mammon, so do all the Brethren, + 

Thou profane man! I ask thee with what conscience + 

Thou canst advance that idol against us, + 

That have the seal? Were not the shillings numbered, + 

That made the pounds; were not the pounds told out, + 

Upon the second day of the fourth week, + 

In the eighth month, upon the table dormant, + 

The year of the last patience of the saints, + 

Six hundred and ten? + 

Lovewit + 

Mine earnest vehement botcher, + 

And deacon also, I cannot dispute with you: + 

But if you get you not away the sooner, + 

I shall confute you with a cudgel. + 

Ananias + 

Sir! + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

Be patient, Ananias. + 

Ananias + 

I am strong, + 

And will stand up, well girt, against an host + 

That threaten Gad in exile. + 

Lovewit + 

I shall send you + 

To Amsterdam, to your cellar. + 

Ananias + 

I will pray there, + 

Against thy house: may dogs defile thy walls, + 

And wasps and hornets breed beneath thy roof, + 

This seat of falsehood, and this cave of cozenage! + 

Exeunt Ananias and Tribulation. + 

Enter Drugger. + 

Lovewit + 

Another too? + 

Drugger + 

Not I, sir, I am no Brother. + 

Lovewit + 

Beats him. Away, you Harry Nicholas! Do you talk? + 

Exit Drugger. + 

Face + 

No, this was Abel Drugger. Good sir, go, + 

To the Parson. + 

And satisfy him; tell him all is done: + 

He stayed too long a washing of his face. + 

The Doctor, he shall hear of him at Westchester; + 

And of the Captain, tell him, at Yarmouth, or + 

Some good port town else, lying for a wind. + 

Exit Parson. + 

If you can get off the angry child, now, sir⁠— + 

Enter Kastril, dragging in his sister. + 

Kastril + 

Come on, you ewe, you have matched most sweetly, + 

have you not? + 

Did not I say, I would never have you tupped + 

But by a dubbed boy, to make you a lady tom? + 

’Slight, you are a mammet! O, I could touse you, now. + 

Death, mun’ you marry, with a pox! + 

Lovewit + 

You lie, boy; + 

As sound as you; and I’m aforehand with you. + 

Kastril + 

Anon! + 

Lovewit + 

Come, will you quarrel? I will feize you, sirrah; + 

Why do you not buckle to your tools? + 

Kastril + 

Od’s light, + 

This is a fine old boy as e’er I saw! + 

Lovewit + 

What, do you change your copy now? Proceed; + 

Here stands my dove: stoop at her, if you dare. + 

Kastril + 

’Slight, I must love him! I cannot choose, i’faith, + 

An I should be hanged for’t! Sister, I protest, + 

I honour thee for this match. + 

Lovewit + 

O, do you so, sir? + 

Kastril + 

Yes, an thou canst take tobacco and drink, old boy, + 

I’ll give her five hundred pound more to her marriage, + 

Than her own state. + 

Lovewit + 

Fill a pipe full, Jeremy. + 

Face + 

Yes; but go in and take it, sir. + 

Lovewit + 

We will⁠— + 

I will be ruled by thee in anything, Jeremy. + 

Kastril + 

’Slight, thou art not hidebound, thou art a jovy boy! + 

Come, let us in, I pray thee, and take our whiffs. + 

Lovewit + 

Whiff in with your sister, brother boy. + 

Exeunt Kastril and Dame Pliant. + 

That master + 

That had received such happiness by a servant, + 

In such a widow, and with so much wealth, + 

Were very ungrateful, if he would not be + 

A little indulgent to that servant’s wit, + 

And help his fortune, though with some small strain + 

Of his own candour. + 

Advancing. + 

—“Therefore, gentlemen, + 

And kind spectators, if I have outstript + 

An old man’s gravity, or strict canon, think + 

What a young wife and a good brain may do; + 

Stretch age’s truth sometimes, and crack it too. + 

Speak for thyself, knave.” + 

Face + 

“So I will, sir.” + 

Advancing to the front of the stage. + 

“Gentlemen, + 

My part a little fell in this last scene, + 

Yet ’twas decorum. And though I am clean + 

Got off from Subtle, Surly, Mammon, Dol, + 

Hot Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, all + 

With whom I traded: yet I put myself + 

On you, that are my country: and this pelf + 

Which I have got, if you do quit me, rests + 

To feast you often, and invite new guests.” + 