Act + 

V + 

Scene + 

I + 

Before Lovewit’s door. + 

Enter Lovewit, with several of the Neighbours. + 

Lovewit + 

Has there been such resort, say you? + 

1 Neighbour + 

Daily, sir. + 

2 Neighbour + 

And nightly, too. + 

3 Neighbour + 

Ay, some as brave as lords. + 

4 Neighbour + 

Ladies and gentlewomen. + 

5 Neighbour + 

Citizens’ wives. + 

1 Neighbour + 

And knights. + 

6 Neighbour + 

In coaches. + 

2 Neighbour + 

Yes, and oyster women. + 

1 Neighbour + 

Beside other gallants. + 

3 Neighbour + 

Sailors’ wives. + 

4 Neighbour + 

Tobacco men. + 

5 Neighbour + 

Another Pimlico! + 

Lovewit + 

What should my knave advance, + 

To draw this company? He hung out no banners + 

Of a strange calf with five legs to be seen, + 

Or a huge lobster with six claws? + 

6 Neighbour + 

No, sir. + 

3 Neighbour + 

We had gone in then, sir. + 

Lovewit + 

He has no gift + 

Of teaching in the nose that e’er I knew of. + 

You saw no bills set up that promised cure + 

Of agues, or the toothache? + 

2 Neighbour + 

No such thing, sir! + 

Lovewit + 

Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets? + 

5 Neighbour + 

Neither, sir. + 

Lovewit + 

What device should he bring forth now? + 

I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment: + 

’Pray God he have not kept such open house, + 

That he hath sold my hangings, and my bedding! + 

I left him nothing else. If he have eat them, + 

A plague o’ the moth, say I! Sure he has got + 

Some bawdy pictures to call all this ging! + 

The friar and the nun; or the new motion + 

Of the knight’s courser covering the parson’s mare; + 

Or ’t may be, he has the fleas that run at tilt + 

Upon a table, or some dog to dance. + 

When saw you him? + 

1 Neighbour + 

Who, sir, Jeremy? + 

2 Neighbour + 

Jeremy butler? + 

We saw him not this month. + 

Lovewit + 

How! + 

4 Neighbour + 

Not these five weeks, sir. + 

6 Neighbour + 

These six weeks at the least. + 

Lovewit + 

You amaze me, neighbours! + 

5 Neighbour + 

Sure, if your worship know not where he is, + 

He’s slipt away. + 

6 Neighbour + 

Pray God, he be not made away. + 

Lovewit + 

Ha! It’s no time to question, then. + 

Knocks at the door. + 

6 Neighbour + 

About + 

Some three weeks since, I heard a doleful cry, + 

As I sat up a mending my wife’s stockings. + 

Lovewit + 

’Tis strange that none will answer! Didst thou hear + 

A cry, sayst thou? + 

6 Neighbour + 

Yes, sir, like unto a man + 

That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak. + 

2 Neighbour + 

I heard it too, just this day three weeks, at two o’clock + 

Next morning. + 

Lovewit + 

These be miracles, or you make them so! + 

A man an hour strangled, and could not speak, + 

And both you heard him cry? + 

3 Neighbour + 

Yes, downward, sir. + 

Lovewit + 

Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee. + 

What trade art thou on? + 

3 Neighbour + 

A smith, and’t please your worship. + 

Lovewit + 

A smith! Then lend me thy help to get this door open. + 

3 Neighbour + 

That I will presently, sir, but fetch my tools⁠— + 

Exit. + 

1 Neighbour + 

Sir, best to knock again, afore you break it. + 

Lovewit + 

I will. Knocks again. + 

Enter Face, in his butler’s livery. + 

Face + 

What mean you, sir? + 

1, 2, 4 Neighbour + 

O, here’s Jeremy! + 

Face + 

Good sir, come from the door. + 

Lovewit + 

Why, what’s the matter? + 

Face + 

Yet farther, you are too near yet. + 

Lovewit + 

In the name of wonder, + 

What means the fellow! + 

Face + 

The house, sir, has been visited. + 

Lovewit + 

What, with the plague? Stand thou then farther. + 

Face + 

No, sir, + 

I had it not. + 

Lovewit + 

Who had it then? I left + 

None else but thee in the house. + 

Face + 

Yes, sir, my fellow, + 

The cat that kept the buttery, had it on her + 

A week before I spied it; but I got her + 

Conveyed away in the night: and so I shut + 

The house up for a month⁠— + 

Lovewit + 

How! + 

Face + 

Purposing then, sir, + 

To have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar, + 

And have made it sweet, that you should ne’er have known it; + 

Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir. + 

Lovewit + 

Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger: + 

The neighbours tell me all here that the doors + 

Have still been open⁠— + 

Face + 

How, sir! + 

Lovewit + 

Gallants, men and women, + 

And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here + 

In threaves, these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden, + 

In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright. + 

Face + 

Sir, + 

Their wisdoms will not say so. + 

Lovewit + 

Today they speak + 

Of coaches and gallants; one in a French hood + 

Went in, they tell me; and another was seen + 

In a velvet gown at the window: divers more + 

Pass in and out. + 

Face + 

They did pass through the doors then, + 

Or walls, I assure their eyesights, and their spectacles; + 

For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been, + 

In this my pocket, now above twenty days: + 

And for before, I kept the fort alone there. + 

But that ’tis yet not deep in the afternoon, + 

I should believe my neighbours had seen double + 

Through the black pot, and made these apparitions! + 

For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeks + 

And upwards the door has not been opened. + 

Lovewit + 

Strange! + 

1 Neighbour + 

Good faith, I think I saw a coach. + 

2 Neighbour + 

And I too, + 

I’d have been sworn. + 

Lovewit + 

Do you but think it now? + 

And but one coach? + 

4 Neighbour + 

We cannot tell, sir: Jeremy + 

Is a very honest fellow. + 

Face + 

Did you see me at all? + 

1 Neighbour + 

No; that we are sure on. + 

2 Neighbour + 

I’ll be sworn o’ that. + 

Lovewit + 

Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on! + 

Reenter 3 Neighbour, with his tools. + 

3 Neighbour + 

Is Jeremy come! + 

1 Neighbour + 

O yes; you may leave your tools; + 

We were deceived, he says. + 

2 Neighbour + 

He has had the keys; + 

And the door has been shut these three weeks. + 

3 Neighbour + 

Like enough. + 

Lovewit + 

Peace, and get hence, you changelings. + 

Enter Surly and Mammon. + 

Face + 

Aside. Surly come! + 

And Mammon made acquainted! They’ll tell all. + 

How shall I beat them off? What shall I do? + 

Nothing’s more wretched than a guilty conscience. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

No, sir, he was a great physician. This, + 

It was no bawdyhouse, but a mere chancel! + 

You knew the lord and his sister. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Nay, good Surly.⁠— + 

Pertinax Surly + 

The happy word, Be Rich⁠— + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Play not the tyrant.⁠— + 

Pertinax Surly + 

“Should be today pronounced to all your friends.” + 

And where be your andirons now? And your brass pots, + 

That should have been golden flagons, and great wedges? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Let me but breathe. What, they have shut their doors, + 

Methinks! + 

Pertinax Surly + 

Ay, now ’tis holiday with them. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Rogues, + 

He and Surly knock. + 

Cozeners, imposters, bawds! + 

Face + 

What mean you, sir? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

To enter if we can. + 

Face + 

Another man’s house! + 

Here is the owner, sir: turn you to him, + 

And speak your business. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Are you, sir, the owner? + 

Lovewit + 

Yes, sir. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

And are those knaves within your cheaters! + 

Lovewit + 

What knaves, what cheaters? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Subtle and his Lungs. + 

Face + 

The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs, + 

Nor lights have been seen here these three weeks, sir, + 

Within these doors, upon my word. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

Your word, + 

Groom arrogant! + 

Face + 

Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper, + 

And know the keys have not been out of my hands. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

This is a new Face. + 

Face + 

You do mistake the house, sir: + 

What sign was’t at? + 

Pertinax Surly + 

You rascal! This is one + 

Of the confederacy. Come, let’s get officers, + 

And force the door. + 

Lovewit + 

’Pray you stay, gentlemen. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

No, sir, we’ll come with warrant. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Ay, and then + 

We shall have your doors open. + 

Exeunt Mammon and Surly. + 

Lovewit + 

What means this? + 

Face + 

I cannot tell, sir. + 

1 Neighbour + 

These are two of the gallants + 

That we do think we saw. + 

Face + 

Two of the fools! + 

Your talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir, + 

I think the moon has crazed ’em all.⁠— + 

Aside. + 

O me, + 

Enter Kastril. + 

The angry boy come too! He’ll make a noise, + 

And ne’er away till he have betrayed us all. + 

Kastril + 

Knocking. + 

What rogues, bawds, slaves, you’ll open the door, anon! + 

Punk, cockatrice, my sister! By this light + 

I’ll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore + 

To keep your castle⁠— + 

Face + 

Who would you speak with, sir? + 

Kastril + 

The bawdy Doctor, and the cozening Captain, + 

And puss my sister. + 

Lovewit + 

This is something, sure. + 

Face + 

Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir. + 

Kastril + 

I have heard all their tricks told me twice over, + 

By the fat knight and the lean gentleman. + 

Lovewit + 

Here comes another. + 

Enter Ananias and Tribulation. + 

Face + 

Ananias too! + 

And his pastor! + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

Beating at the door. + 

The doors are shut against us. + 

Ananias + 

Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire! + 

Your stench it is broke forth; abomination + 

Is in the house. + 

Kastril + 

Ay, my sister’s there. + 

Ananias + 

The place, + 

It is become a cage of unclean birds. + 

Kastril + 

Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable. + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

You shall do well. + 

Ananias + 

We’ll join to weed them out. + 

Kastril + 

You will not come then, punk devise, my sister! + 

Ananias + 

Call her not sister; she’s a harlot verily. + 

Kastril + 

I’ll raise the street. + 

Lovewit + 

Good gentlemen, a word. + 

Ananias + 

Satan avoid, and hinder not our zeal! + 

Exeunt Ananias, Tribulation, and Kastril. + 

Lovewit + 

The world’s turned Bedlam. + 

Face + 

These are all broke loose, + 

Out of St. Katherine’s, where they use to keep + 

The better sort of mad-folks. + 

1 Neighbour + 

All these persons + 

We saw go in and out here. + 

2 Neighbour + 

Yes, indeed, sir. + 

3 Neighbour + 

These were the parties. + 

Face + 

Peace, you drunkards! Sir, + 

I wonder at it: please you to give me leave + 

To touch the door, I’ll try an the lock be changed. + 

Lovewit + 

It mazes me! + 

Face + 

Goes to the door. Good faith, sir, I believe + 

There’s no such thing: ’tis all deceptio visus.⁠— + 

Aside. + 

Would I could get him away. + 

Dapper + 

Within. Master Captain! Master Doctor! + 

Lovewit + 

Who’s that? + 

Face + 

Aside. Our clerk within, that I forgot! + 

I know not, sir. + 

Dapper + 

Within. For God’s sake, when will her Grace be at leisure? + 

Face + 

Ha! + 

Illusions, some spirit o’ the air⁠— + 

Aside. His gag is melted, + 

And now he sets out the throat. + 

Dapper + 

Within. I am almost stifled⁠— + 

Face + 

Aside. Would you were altogether. + 

Lovewit + 

’Tis in the house. + 

Ha! List. + 

Face + 

Believe it, sir, in the air. + 

Lovewit + 

Peace, you. + 

Dapper + 

Within. Mine aunt’s Grace does not use me well. + 

Subtle + 

Within. You fool, + 

Peace, you’ll mar all. + 

Face + 

Speaks through the keyhole, while Lovewit advances to the door unobserved. + 

Or you will else, you rogue. + 

Lovewit + 

O, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!⁠— + 

Come, sir. No more of your tricks, good Jeremy. + 

The truth, the shortest way. + 

Face + 

Dismiss this rabble, sir.⁠— + 

Aside. What shall I do? I am catched. + 

Lovewit + 

Good neighbours, + 

I thank you all. You may depart. + 

Exeunt Neighbours. + 

—Come, sir, + 

You know that I am an indulgent master; + 

And therefore conceal nothing. What’s your medicine, + 

To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl? + 

Face + 

Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit⁠— + 

But here’s no place to talk on’t in the street. + 

Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune, + 

And only pardon me the abuse of your house: + 

It’s all I beg. I’ll help you to a widow, + 

In recompence, that you shall give me thanks for, + 

Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one. + 

’Tis but your putting on a Spanish cloak: + 

I have her within. You need not fear the house; + 

It was not visited. + 

Lovewit + 

But by me, who came + 

Sooner than you expected. + 

Face + 

It is true, sir. + 

’Pray you forgive me. + 

Lovewit + 

Well: let’s see your widow. + 

Exeunt. + 

Scene + 

II + 

A room in the same. + 

Enter Subtle, leading in Dapper, with his eyes bound as before. + 

Subtle + 

How! You have eaten your gag? + 

Dapper + 

Yes faith, it crumbled + 

Away in my mouth. + 

Subtle + 

You have spoiled all then. + 

Dapper + 

No! + 

I hope my aunt of Fairy will forgive me. + 

Subtle + 

Your aunt’s a gracious lady; but in troth + 

You were to blame. + 

Dapper + 

The fume did overcome me, + 

And I did do’t to stay my stomach. ’Pray you + 

So satisfy her Grace. + 

Enter Face, in his uniform. + 

Here comes the Captain. + 

Face + 

How now! Is his mouth down? + 

Subtle + 

Ay, he has spoken! + 

Face + 

A pox, I heard him, and you too.⁠—He’s undone then.⁠— + 

I have been fain to say, the house is haunted + 

With spirits, to keep churl back. + 

Subtle + 

And hast thou done it? + 

Face + 

Sure, for this night. + 

Subtle + 

Why, then triumph and sing + 

Of Face so famous, the precious king + 

Of present wits. + 

Face + 

Did you not hear the coil + 

About the door? + 

Subtle + 

Yes, and I dwindled with it. + 

Face + 

Show him his aunt, and let him be dispatched: + 

I’ll send her to you. + 

Exit Face. + 

Subtle + 

Well, sir, your aunt her Grace + 

Will give you audience presently, on my suit, + 

And the Captain’s word that you did not eat your gag + 

In any contempt of her Highness. + 

Unbinds his eyes. + 

Dapper + 

Not I, in troth, sir. + 

Enter Dol, like the Queen of Fairy. + 

Subtle + 

Here she is come. Down o’ your knees and wriggle: + 

She has a stately presence. + 

Dapper kneels, and shuffles towards her. + 

Good! Yet nearer, + 

And bid, God save you! + 

Dapper + 

Madam! + 

Subtle + 

And your aunt. + 

Dapper + 

And my most gracious aunt, God save your Grace. + 

Dol Common + 

Nephew, we thought to have been angry with you; + 

But that sweet face of yours hath turned the tide, + 

And made it flow with joy, that ebbed of love. + 

Arise, and touch our velvet gown. + 

Subtle + 

The skirts, + 

And kiss ’em. So! + 

Dol Common + 

Let me now stroke that head. + 

“Much, nephew, shalt thou win, much shalt thou spend, + 

Much shalt thou give away, much shalt thou lend.” + 

Subtle + 

Aside. Ay, much! Indeed.⁠—Why do you not thank her Grace? + 

Dapper + 

I cannot speak for joy. + 

Subtle + 

See, the kind wretch! + 

Your Grace’s kinsman right. + 

Dol Common + 

Give me the bird. + 

Here is your fly in a purse, about your neck, cousin; + 

Wear it, and feed it about this day sev’n-night, + 

On your right wrist⁠— + 

Subtle + 

Open a vein with a pin, + 

And let it suck but once a week; till then, + 

You must not look on’t. + 

Dol Common + 

No: and kinsman, + 

Bear yourself worthy of the blood you come on. + 

Subtle + 

Her Grace would have you eat no more Woolsack pies, + 

Nor Dagger frumety. + 

Dol Common + 

Nor break his fast + 

In Heaven and Hell. + 

Subtle + 

She’s with you everywhere! + 

Nor play with costermongers, at mum-chance, tray-trip, + 

God make you rich; (when as your aunt has done it); + 

But keep + 

The gallantest company, and the best games⁠— + 

Dapper + 

Yes, sir. + 

Subtle + 

Gleek and primero; and what you get, be true to us. + 

Dapper + 

By this hand, I will. + 

Subtle + 

You may bring’s a thousand pound + 

Before tomorrow night, if but three thousand + 

Be stirring, an you will. + 

Dapper + 

I swear I will then. + 

Subtle + 

Your fly will learn you all games. + 

Face + 

Within. Have you done there? + 

Subtle + 

Your Grace will command him no more duties? + 

Dol Common + 

No: + 

But come, and see me often. I may chance + 

To leave him three or four hundred chests of treasure, + 

And some twelve thousand acres of Fairyland, + 

If he game well and comely with good gamesters. + 

Subtle + 

There’s a kind aunt! Kiss her departing part.⁠— + 

But you must sell your forty mark a year, now. + 

Dapper + 

Ay, sir, I mean. + 

Subtle + 

Or, give’t away; pox on’t! + 

Dapper + 

I’ll give’t mine aunt. I’ll go and fetch the writings. + 

Exit. + 

Subtle + 

’Tis well⁠—away! + 

Reenter Face. + 

Face + 

Where’s Subtle? + 

Subtle + 

Here: what news? + 

Face + 

Drugger is at the door, go take his suit, + 

And bid him fetch a parson, presently; + 

Say, he shall marry the widow. Thou shalt spend + 

A hundred pound by the service! + 

Exit Subtle. + 

Now, queen Dol, + 

Have you packed up all? + 

Dol Common + 

Yes. + 

Face + 

And how do you like + 

The lady Pliant? + 

Dol Common + 

A good dull innocent. + 

Reenter Subtle. + 

Subtle + 

Here’s your Hieronimo’s cloak and hat. + 

Face + 

Give me them. + 

Subtle + 

And the ruff too? + 

Face + 

Yes; I’ll come to you presently. + 

Exit. + 

Subtle + 

Now he is gone about his project, Dol, + 

I told you of, for the widow. + 

Dol Common + 

’Tis direct + 

Against our articles. + 

Subtle + 

Well, we will fit him, wench. + 

Hast thou gulled her of her jewels or her bracelets? + 

Dol Common + 

No; but I will do’t. + 

Subtle + 

Soon at night, my Dolly, + 

When we are shipped, and all our goods aboard, + 

Eastward for Ratcliff, we will turn our course + 

To Brainford, westward, if thou sayst the word, + 

And take our leaves of this o’er-weening rascal, + 

This peremptory Face. + 

Dol Common + 

Content, I’m weary of him. + 

Subtle + 

Thou’st cause, when the slave will run a wiving, Dol, + 

Against the instrument that was drawn between us. + 

Dol Common + 

I’ll pluck his bird as bare as I can. + 

Subtle + 

Yes, tell her, + 

She must by any means address some present + 

To the cunning man, make him amends for wronging + 

His art with her suspicion; send a ring, + 

Or chain of pearl; she will be tortured else + 

Extremely in her sleep, say, and have strange things + 

Come to her. Wilt thou? + 

Dol Common + 

Yes. + 

Subtle + 

My fine flitter-mouse, + 

My bird o’ the night! We’ll tickle it at the Pigeons, + 

When we have all, and may unlock the trunks, + 

And say, this’s mine, and thine; and thine, and mine. + 

They kiss. + 

Reenter Face. + 

Face + 

What now! A billing? + 

Subtle + 

Yes, a little exalted + 

In the good passage of our stock-affairs. + 

Face + 

Drugger has brought his parson; take him in, Subtle, + 

And send Nab back again to wash his face. + 

Subtle + 

I will: and shave himself? + 

Exit. + 

Face + 

If you can get him. + 

Dol Common + 

You are hot upon it, Face, whate’er it is! + 

Face + 

A trick that Dol shall spend ten pound a month by. + 

Reenter Subtle. + 

Is he gone? + 

Subtle + 

The chaplain waits you in the hall, sir. + 

Face + 

I’ll go bestow him. + 

Exit. + 

Dol Common + 

He’ll now marry her, instantly. + 

Subtle + 

He cannot yet, he is not ready. Dear Dol, + 

Cozen her of all thou canst. To deceive him + 

Is no deceit, but justice, that would break + 

Such an inextricable tie as ours was. + 

Dol Common + 

Let me alone to fit him. + 

Reenter Face. + 

Face + 

Come, my venturers, + 

You have packed up all? Where be the trunks? Bring forth. + 

Subtle + 

Here. + 

Face + 

Let us see them. Where’s the money? + 

Subtle + 

Here, + 

In this. + 

Face + 

Mammon’s ten pound; eight score before: + 

The Brethren’s money, this. Drugger’s and Dapper’s. + 

What paper’s that? + 

Dol Common + 

The jewel of the waiting maid’s, + 

That stole it from her lady, to know certain⁠— + 

Face + 

If she should have precedence of her mistress? + 

Dol Common + 

Yes. + 

Face + 

What box is that? + 

Subtle + 

The fishwives’ rings, I think, + 

And the alewives’ single money. Is’t not, Dol? + 

Dol Common + 

Yes; and the whistle that the sailor’s wife + 

Brought you to know an her husband were with Ward. + 

Face + 

We’ll wet it tomorrow; and our silver-beakers + 

And tavern cups. Where be the French petticoats, + 

And girdles and hangers? + 

Subtle + 

Here, in the trunk, + 

And the bolts of lawn. + 

Face + 

Is Drugger’s damask there, + 

And the tobacco? + 

Subtle + 

Yes. + 

Face + 

Give me the keys. + 

Dol Common + 

Why you the keys? + 

Subtle + 

No matter, Dol; because + 

We shall not open them before he comes. + 

Face + 

’Tis true, you shall not open them, indeed; + 

Nor have them forth, do you see? Not forth, Dol. + 

Dol Common + 

No! + 

Face + 

No, my smock rampant. The right is, my master + 

Knows all, has pardoned me, and he will keep them; + 

Doctor, ’tis true⁠—you look⁠—for all your figures: + 

I sent for him, indeed. Wherefore, good partners, + 

Both he and she be satisfied; for here + 

Determines the indenture tripartite + 

’Twixt Subtle, Dol, and Face. All I can do + 

Is to help you over the wall, o’ the backside, + 

Or lend you a sheet to save your velvet gown, Dol. + 

Here will be officers presently, bethink you + 

Of some course suddenly to ’scape the dock: + 

For thither you will come else. + 

Loud knocking. + 

Hark you, thunder. + 

Subtle + 

You are a precious fiend! + 

Officer + 

Without. Open the door. + 

Face + 

Dol, I am sorry for thee i’faith; but hear’st thou? + 

It shall go hard but I will place thee somewhere: + 

Thou shalt have my letter to mistress Amo⁠— + 

Dol Common + 

Hang you! + 

Face + 

Or madam Caesarean. + 

Dol Common + 

Pox upon you, rogue, + 

Would I had but time to beat thee! + 

Face + 

Subtle, + 

Let’s know where you set up next; I will send you + 

A customer now and then, for old acquaintance: + 

What new course have you? + 

Subtle + 

Rogue, I’ll hang myself; + 

That I may walk a greater devil than thou, + 

And haunt thee in the flock-bed and the buttery. + 

Exeunt. + 

Scene + 

III + 

An outer room in the same. + 

Enter Lovewit in the Spanish dress, with the Parson. Loud knocking at the door. + 

Lovewit + 

What do you mean, my masters? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Without. Open your door, + 

Cheaters, bawds, conjurers. + 

Officer + 

Without. Or we will break it open. + 

Lovewit + 

What warrant have you? + 

Officer + 

Without. Warrant enough, sir, doubt not, + 

If you’ll not open it. + 

Lovewit + 

Is there an officer, there? + 

Officer + 

Without. Yes, two or three for failing. + 

Lovewit + 

Have but patience, + 

And I will open it straight. + 

Enter Face, as butler. + 

Face + 

Sir, have you done? + 

Is it a marriage? Perfect? + 

Lovewit + 

Yes, my brain. + 

Face + 

Off with your ruff and cloak then; be yourself, sir. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

Without. Down with the door. + 

Kastril + 

Without. ’Slight, ding it open. + 

Lovewit + 

Opening the door. Hold, + 

Hold, gentlemen, what means this violence? + 

Mammon, Surly, Kastril, Ananias, Tribulation, and Officers, rush in. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Where is this collier? + 

Pertinax Surly + 

And my Captain Face? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

These day owls. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

That are birding in men’s purses. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Madam Suppository. + 

Kastril + 

Doxy, my sister. + 

Ananias + 

Locusts + 

Of the foul pit. + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

Profane as Bel and the dragon. + 

Ananias + 

Worse than the grasshoppers, or the lice of Egypt. + 

Lovewit + 

Good gentlemen, hear me. Are you officers, + 

And cannot stay this violence? + 

1 Officer + 

Keep the peace. + 

Lovewit + 

Gentlemen, what is the matter? Whom do you seek? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

The chemical cozener. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

And the Captain pander. + 

Kastril + 

The nun my sister. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Madam Rabbi. + 

Ananias + 

Scorpions, + 

And caterpillars. + 

Lovewit + 

Fewer at once, I pray you. + 

2 Officer + 

One after another, gentlemen, I charge you, + 

By virtue of my staff. + 

Ananias + 

They are the vessels + 

Of pride, lust, and the cart. + 

Lovewit + 

Good zeal, lie still + 

A little while. + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

Peace, deacon Ananias. + 

Lovewit + 

The house is mine here, and the doors are open; + 

If there be any such persons as you seek for, + 

Use your authority, search on o’ God’s name. + 

I am but newly come to town, and finding + 

This tumult ’bout my door, to tell you true, + 

It somewhat mazed me; till my man, here, fearing + 

My more displeasure, told me he had done + 

Somewhat an insolent part, let out my house + 

(Belike, presuming on my known aversion + 

From any air o’ the town while there was sickness,) + 

To a Doctor and a Captain: who, what they are + 

Or where they be, he knows not. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Are they gone? + 

Lovewit + 

You may go in and search, sir. + 

Mammon, Ananias, and Tribulation go in. + 

Here, I find + 

The empty walls worse than I left them, smoked, + 

A few cracked pots, and glasses, and a furnace: + 

The ceiling filled with poesies of the candle, + 

And madam with a dildo writ o’ the walls: + 

Only one gentlewoman, I met here, + 

That is within, that said she was a widow⁠— + 

Kastril + 

Ay, that’s my sister; I’ll go thump her. Where is she? + 

Goes in. + 

Lovewit + 

And should have married a Spanish Count, but he, + 

When he came to’t, neglected her so grossly, + 

That I, a widower, am gone through with her. + 

Pertinax Surly + 

How! Have I lost her then? + 

Lovewit + 

Were you the Don, sir? + 

Good faith, now, she does blame you extremely, and says + 

You swore, and told her you had taken the pains + 

To dye your beard, and umber o’er your face, + 

Borrowed a suit, and ruff, all for her love; + 

And then did nothing. What an oversight, + 

And want of putting forward, sir, was this! + 

Well fare an old harquebuzier, yet, + 

Could prime his powder, and give fire, and hit, + 

All in a twinkling! + 

Reenter Mammon. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

The whole nest are fled! + 

Lovewit + 

What sort of birds were they? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

A kind of choughs, + 

Or thievish daws, sir, that have picked my purse + 

Of eight score and ten pounds within these five weeks, + 

Beside my first materials; and my goods, + 

That lie in the cellar, which I am glad they have left, + 

I may have home yet. + 

Lovewit + 

Think you so, sir? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Ay. + 

Lovewit + 

By order of law, sir, but not otherwise. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Not mine own stuff! + 

Lovewit + 

Sir, I can take no knowledge + 

That they are yours, but by public means. + 

If you can bring certificate that you were gulled of them, + 

Or any formal writ out of a court, + 

That you did cozen yourself, I will not hold them. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

I’ll rather lose them. + 

Lovewit + 

That you shall not, sir, + 

By me, in troth: upon these terms, they are yours. + 

What! Should they have been, sir, turned into gold, all? + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

No, + 

I cannot tell⁠—It may be they should.⁠—What then? + 

Lovewit + 

What a great loss in hope have you sustained! + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

Not I, the Commonwealth has. + 

Face + 

Ay, he would have built + 

The city new; and made a ditch about it + 

Of silver, should have run with cream from Hogsden; + 

That every Sunday, in Moorfields, the younkers, + 

And tits and tomboys should have fed on, gratis. + 

Sir Epicure Mammon + 

I will go mount a turnip-cart, and preach + 

The end of the world, within these two months. Surly, + 

What! In a dream? + 

Pertinax Surly + 

Must I needs cheat myself, + 

With that same foolish vice of honesty! + 

Come, let us go and hearken out the rogues: + 

That Face I’ll mark for mine, if e’er I meet him. + 

Face + 

If I can hear of him, sir, I’ll bring you word, + 

Unto your lodging; for in troth, they were strangers + 

To me, I thought them honest as myself, sir. + 

Exeunt Mammon and Surly. + 

Reenter Ananias and Tribulation. + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

’Tis well, the saints shall not lose all yet. Go, + 

And get some carts⁠— + 

Lovewit + 

For what, my zealous friends? + 

Ananias + 

To bear away the portion of the righteous + 

Out of this den of thieves. + 

Lovewit + 

What is that portion? + 

Ananias + 

The goods sometimes the orphan’s, that the Brethren + 

Bought with their silver pence. + 

Lovewit + 

What, those in the cellar, + 

The knight Sir Mammon claims? + 

Ananias + 

I do defy + 

The wicked Mammon, so do all the Brethren, + 

Thou profane man! I ask thee with what conscience + 

Thou canst advance that idol against us, + 

That have the seal? Were not the shillings numbered, + 

That made the pounds; were not the pounds told out, + 

Upon the second day of the fourth week, + 

In the eighth month, upon the table dormant, + 

The year of the last patience of the saints, + 

Six hundred and ten? + 

Lovewit + 

Mine earnest vehement botcher, + 

And deacon also, I cannot dispute with you: + 

But if you get you not away the sooner, + 

I shall confute you with a cudgel. + 

Ananias + 

Sir! + 

Tribulation Wholesome + 

Be patient, Ananias. + 

Ananias + 

I am strong, + 

And will stand up, well girt, against an host + 

That threaten Gad in exile. + 

Lovewit + 

I shall send you + 

To Amsterdam, to your cellar. + 

Ananias + 

I will pray there, + 

Against thy house: may dogs defile thy walls, + 

And wasps and hornets breed beneath thy roof, + 

This seat of falsehood, and this cave of cozenage! + 

Exeunt Ananias and Tribulation. + 

Enter Drugger. + 

Lovewit + 

Another too? + 

Drugger + 

Not I, sir, I am no Brother. + 

Lovewit + 

Beats him. Away, you Harry Nicholas! Do you talk? + 

Exit Drugger. + 

Face + 

No, this was Abel Drugger. Good sir, go, + 

To the Parson. + 

And satisfy him; tell him all is done: + 

He stayed too long a washing of his face. + 

The Doctor, he shall hear of him at Westchester; + 

And of the Captain, tell him, at Yarmouth, or + 

Some good port town else, lying for a wind. + 

Exit Parson. + 

If you can get off the angry child, now, sir⁠— + 

Enter Kastril, dragging in his sister. + 

Kastril + 

Come on, you ewe, you have matched most sweetly, + 

have you not? + 

Did not I say, I would never have you tupped + 

But by a dubbed boy, to make you a lady tom? + 

’Slight, you are a mammet! O, I could touse you, now. + 

Death, mun’ you marry, with a pox! + 

Lovewit + 

You lie, boy; + 

As sound as you; and I’m aforehand with you. + 

Kastril + 

Anon! + 

Lovewit + 

Come, will you quarrel? I will feize you, sirrah; + 

Why do you not buckle to your tools? + 

Kastril + 

Od’s light, + 

This is a fine old boy as e’er I saw! + 

Lovewit + 

What, do you change your copy now? Proceed; + 

Here stands my dove: stoop at her, if you dare. + 

Kastril + 

’Slight, I must love him! I cannot choose, i’faith, + 

An I should be hanged for’t! Sister, I protest, + 

I honour thee for this match. + 

Lovewit + 

O, do you so, sir? + 

Kastril + 

Yes, an thou canst take tobacco and drink, old boy, + 

I’ll give her five hundred pound more to her marriage, + 

Than her own state. + 

Lovewit + 

Fill a pipe full, Jeremy. + 

Face + 

Yes; but go in and take it, sir. + 

Lovewit + 

We will⁠— + 

I will be ruled by thee in anything, Jeremy. + 

Kastril + 

’Slight, thou art not hidebound, thou art a jovy boy! + 

Come, let us in, I pray thee, and take our whiffs. + 

Lovewit + 

Whiff in with your sister, brother boy. + 

Exeunt Kastril and Dame Pliant. + 

That master + 

That had received such happiness by a servant, + 

In such a widow, and with so much wealth, + 

Were very ungrateful, if he would not be + 

A little indulgent to that servant’s wit, + 

And help his fortune, though with some small strain + 

Of his own candour. + 

Advancing. + 

—“Therefore, gentlemen, + 

And kind spectators, if I have outstript + 

An old man’s gravity, or strict canon, think + 

What a young wife and a good brain may do; + 

Stretch age’s truth sometimes, and crack it too. + 

Speak for thyself, knave.” + 

Face + 

“So I will, sir.” + 

Advancing to the front of the stage. + 

“Gentlemen, + 

My part a little fell in this last scene, + 

Yet ’twas decorum. And though I am clean + 

Got off from Subtle, Surly, Mammon, Dol, + 

Hot Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, all + 

With whom I traded: yet I put myself + 

On you, that are my country: and this pelf + 

Which I have got, if you do quit me, rests + 

To feast you often, and invite new guests.” + 