August 1 + 

Am getting married at ⸻ Register Office on September 15th. It is impossible to set down here all the labyrinthine ambages of my will and feelings in regard to this event. Such incredible vacillations, doubts, fears. I have been living at a great rate below surface recently. “If you enjoy only twelve months’ happiness,” the Doctor said to me, “it is worth while.” But he makes a recommendation.⁠ ⁠… At his suggestion E⁠⸺ went to see him and from his own mouth learnt all the truth about the state of my health, to prevent possible mutual recriminations in the future. To marry an introspective dyspeptic⁠—what a prospect for her!⁠ ⁠… I exercise my microscopic analysis on her now as well as on myself.⁠ ⁠… This power in me is growing daily more automatic and more repugnant. It is a nasty morbid unhealthy growth that I want to hide if I cannot destroy. It amounts to being able at will to switch myself in and out of all my most cherished emotions; it is like the case in Sir Michael Foster’s Physiology of a man who, by pressing a tumour in his neck could stop or at any rate control the action of his heart. + 