April 16 + 

… If I am to admit the facts they are that I eagerly anticipate love, look everywhere for it, long for it, am unhappy without it. She fascinates me⁠—admitted. I could, if I would, surrender myself. Her affection makes me long to do it. I am sick of living by myself. I am frightened of myself. My life is miserable alone, and sometimes desperately miserable when I long for a little sympathy to be close at hand. + 

I have often tried to persuade R⁠⸺ to share a flat with me, because I don’t really wish to marry. I struggle against the idea, I am egotist enough to wish to shirk the responsibilities. + 

But then I am a ridiculously romantic creature with a wonderful ideal of a woman I shall never meet or if I do she won’t want me⁠—“that (wholly) impossible She.” R⁠⸺ in a flat with me would partly solve my difficulties. I don’t love her enough for marriage. Mine must be a grand passion, a bouleversement⁠—for I am capable of it. + 