October 11
I may be a weak, maundering, vacillating fool but I cannot help loving her on one day, being indifferent the next and on some occasions even disliking her. … Today she was charming, with a certain warm glossy perfection on her face and hair. … And she loves me—I could swear it. “And when a woman woos …” etc. How difficult for a vain and lonely man to resist her. She tells me many times in many dainty ways that she loves me without so much as stopping her work to talk.
I wish I were permanently and irresistibly enamoured. I want a bouleversement. …