March 7 + 

Came home, lay on my bed, still dressed, and ruminated.⁠ ⁠… + 

First a suspicion then a conviction came to me that I was a cad⁠—a callous, selfish, sensation-hunting cad.⁠ ⁠… For the time being the bottom was knocked out of my smug self-satisfaction. For several long half-hours I found myself drifting without compass or stars. I was quite disorientated, temporarily thrown off the balance of my amour propre. Then I got up, lit the gas and looking at myself in the mirror, found it was really true⁠—I was a mean creature, wholly absorbed in self. + 

As an act of contrition, I ought to have gone out into the garden and eaten worms. But the mirror brought back my self-consciousness and I began to crawl back into my recently discarded skin⁠—I began to be less loathsome to myself. For as soon as I felt interested or amused or curious over the fact that I had been really loathsome to myself I began to regain my equilibrium. Now, I and myself are on comparatively easy terms with one another. I am settled on the old swivel.⁠ ⁠… I take a lot of knocking off it and if shot off soon return. + 

Today, she was silent and melancholy but wonderfully fascinating. One day I am desperate and the next cold and apathetic. Am I in love? God knows! She came to the door to say “Good night,” and I deliberately strangled my desire to say something. + 