III
How the Other Page Received Payment for His Teaching, and How Simplicissimus Was Chosen to Be a Fool
When my lord rose he sent his orderly to fetch me from the goose-pen: who brought news he had found the door open and a hole cut with a knife behind the bolt, by which means the prisoner had escaped. But before such report came my lord understood from others that I had for a long time been in the kitchen. Meanwhile the servants must run hither and thither to fetch yesterday’s guests to breakfast: among whom was also the pastor, who must appear earlier than the rest because my master would talk with him concerning me before they went to table. He asked him first, did he account me sane or mad, and whether I was in truth so simple or not the rather mischievous; and told him all: how unseemly I had carried myself all the day and evening before, which was in part taken amiss by his guests, and so regarded as if this had been done of malice and in their despite; item, that he had caused me to be shut up in a goose-pen to protect himself against such tricks as I might yet further have played him; which prison I had broken and now held my state in the kitchen like a gentleman who need no longer wait on him: in his lifetime no such trick had ever happened to him as I had played him in the presence of so many honourable persons: he knew not what to do with me save to have me soundly beaten, and, since I behaved myself so clownishly, to send me to the devil.
Meantime, while my master so complained of me, the guests assembled by degrees; so when he had said his say the pastor answered, if the Lord Governor would please to hearken to him with patience for a little while, he would tell him this and that regarding Simplicissimus, from which not only his innocence could be known, but also all unfavourable thoughts removed from the minds of them that had taken a disgust at his conduct.
Now while they thus discoursed of me in the chamber above, that same mad ensign whom I in mine own person had imprisoned in my place makes a treaty with me below-stairs in the kitchen, and by threats and by a thaler which he put in my pouch, brought me to this, that I promised him to keep a still tongue concerning his doings.
So the tables were set, and, as on the day before, furnished with food and with guests. There wormwood, sage wine, elecampane, quince and lemon drinks, with hippocras, were to clear the heads and stomachs of the drinkers; for for one and all there was the devil to pay. Their first talk was of themselves, and that chiefly of how brave a bout of drinking they had had yesterday: nor was there any among them that would truly confess he had been drunk, albeit the evening before some had called the devil to witness they could drink no more. Some indeed confessed that they had headaches: yet others would have it ’twas only since men had ceased to drink themselves full in the good old mode that such aches had come in fashion. But when they were tired both of hearing and talking of their own follies, poor Simplicissimus must bear the brunt. And the Governor himself reminded the pastor to tell of those merry happenings which he had promised.
So the pastor begged first that none should take offence inasmuch as he must use words which might be accounted unbefitting his holy office. Then he went on to tell how sorely I was plagued by nature, how I had caused great disgust thereby to the secretary in his office, and how I had learned, together with the art of prophecy, also certain enchantments against such mishaps, and how ill such arts had turned out when they were tried; item, how the dancing had seemed so strange to me, because I had never seen the like before, what an explication thereof I had heard from my comrade, and for what reason I had seized upon the noble lady, and thereupon had found my way into the goose-pen. All this he enounced with such a civil and discreet way of speaking that they were fit to split with laughing, and so completely forgave my simplicity and ignorance that I was restored to my master’s favour and was allowed to wait at table again. But of what had happened to me in the goose-pen and how I was delivered therefrom would he say nought, for it seemed to him some old antediluvian images might have taken offence at him, which believe that pastors should always look sour. Then again my master, to make sport for his guests, asked me what had I given to my comrade that had taught me those pretty tricks: so I said, “Nothing at all.” Then says he, “I will pay him the school fees for thee.” So he had him clapt in a winnowing basket and there soundly trounced: even as I had been dealt with the day before, when I tried those magical arts and found them false.
So now my master had proof enough of my simplicity, and would fain give me the more occasion to make sport for him and his guests: he saw well that all the minstrels availed nothing so long as the company had me to make sport for them, for to everyone it seemed that I, with my foolish fancies, was better than a dozen lutes. So he asked me why I had cut a hole in the door of the goose-pen. I answered, “Another may have done it.” “Who then?” says he. “Why,” says I, “he that came to me.” “And who came to thee?” quoth he. “Nay,” says I, “that may I tell no man.” Now my master was a man of a quick wit, and he saw well how one must go about with me: so he turns him about and of a sudden he asks me who it was that had forbidden me, and I of a sudden answered, “The mad ensign.”
Then, when I perceived by the laughter of all that I had mightily committed myself, and the mad ensign who sat at table also grew red as a hot coal, I would say no more till by him it should be allowed. Yet this was but a matter of a nod, which served my master instead of a command, to the ensign, and forthwith I might tell all I knew. And thereupon my master questioned me what the mad ensign had had to do with me in the goose-pen. “Oh,” says I, “he brought a young lady to me there.”
And thereupon there arose among all that were present such laughter that my master could hear me no longer, let alone ask me more questions; and ’twas not needful, for if he had, that honourable young maiden (forsooth) might have been put to shame.
Thereafter the Controller of the Household told all at table how a little before I had come home from the ramparts and had said I knew now where the thunder and lightning came from: for I had seen great beams on half-wagons, which were all hollow inside: into these, men rammed in onion-seed with an iron turnip with the tail off, and then tickled the beams behind with a spit, whereupon there was driven out in front smoke and thunder and hellfire. Then they told many more such stories of me, so that for the whole of that breakfast-time there was no other employ but to talk of me and laugh at me. And this was the cause of a general conclusion, to my destruction; which was that I should be soundly befooled. For with such treatment I should in time prove a rare jester, by whose means one could do honour to the greatest princes in the world and cause laughter to a dying man.