XV + 

How Simplicissimus Thought More Piously When He Went A-Plundering Than Did Oliver When He Went to Church + 

So the next morning, as day began to break, says Oliver, “Up, Simplicissimus; we will fare forth in God’s name to see what we can come by.” “Good Lord,” thought I, “must I then in thy holy name go a-thieving?” I that aforetime when I left my good hermit could not hear without marvelling when one man said to another, “Come, brother, we will in God’s name take off a cup of wine together”? for that I counted a double sin, that a man should be drunken, and drunken in God’s name. “My heavenly Father,” thought I, “how am I changed since then! My faithful Lord, what will at last become of me if I turn not? Oh! check thou my course, that will assuredly bring me to hell if I repent not.” + 

So speaking and so thinking did I follow Oliver to a village wherein was no living creature: and there to have a better view we did go up into the church steeple: there had he in hiding the shoes and stockings that he had promised me the night before, and moreover two loaves of bread, some pieces of dried meat, and a barrel half full of wine, which would have easily afforded him provision for a week. So while I was putting on what he gave me he told me here was the place where he was wont to wait when he hoped for good booty, to which end he had so well provisioned himself, and, in a word, told me he had several such places, provided with meat and drink, so that if he could not find a friend at home in one place he might catch him elsewhere. For this must I praise his prudence, yet gave him to understand that ’twas not well so to misuse a place that was dedicated to God’s service. “What,” says he, “misuse? The churches themselves if they could speak would confess that what I do in them is naught in comparison with the sins that have aforetime been committed in them. How many a man and how many a woman, thinkst thou, have come into this church since it was built, on pretence of serving God, but truly only to show their new clothes, their fine figure, and all their bravery! Here cometh one into church like a peacock and putteth himself so before the altar as he would pray the very feet off the saints’ images! And there standeth another in a corner to sigh like the publican in the temple, which sighs be yet only for his mistress on whose face he feedeth his eyes, yea, for whose sake he is come thither. Another cometh to the church with a packet of papers like one that gathereth contributions for a fire, yet more to put his debtors in mind than to pray: and an he had not known those debtors would be in the church he had sat at home over his ledgers. Yea, it doth happen often that when our masters will give notice of aught to a parish, it must be done of a Sunday in the church, for which reason many a farmer doth fear the church more than any poor sinner doth fear the judge and jury. And thinkest thou not there be many buried in churches that have deserved sword, gallows, fire, and wheel? Many a man could not have brought his lecherous intent to a good end had not the church helped him. Is a bargain to be driven or a loan to be granted, ’tis done at the church door. Many a usurer there is that can spare no time in the week to reckon up his rogueries, that can sit in church of a Sunday and devise how to practise fresh villainies. Yea, here they sit during mass and sermon to argue and talk as if the Church were built for such purpose only: and there be matters talked of that in private houses none would speak about. Some do sit and snore as if they had hired the place to sleep in: and some do naught but gossip of others and do whisper, ‘How well did the pastor touch up this one or that one in his sermon!’ and others do give heed to the discourse but for this reason only! not to be bettered by it, but that they may carp at and blame their minister if he do but stumble once at a word (as they understand the matter). And here will I say naught of the stories I have read of amorous intercourse that hath its beginning and end in a church; for I could not now remember all I could tell thee of that. Yet canst thou see how men do not only defile churches with their vices while they live but do fill them with their vanity and folly after they be dead. Go thou now into a church, and there by the gravestones and epitaphs thou wilt see how they that the worms have long ago devoured do yet boast themselves: look thou up and there wilt thou see more shields and helmets, and swords and banners, and boots and spurs than in many an armoury: so that ’tis no wonder that in this war the peasants have fought for their own in churches as if ’twere in fortresses. And why, then, should it not be allowed to me⁠—to me, I say, as a soldier⁠—to ply my trade in a church, whereas aforetime two holy fathers did for the mere sake of precedence cause such a bloodbath in a church that ’twas more like to a slaughterhouse than a holy place? Yea, I would not so act if any did come here to do God’s service; for I am but of the lay people: yet they, that were clergymen, respected not the high majesty of the emperor himself. And why should it be forbidden to me to earn my living by the church when so many do so earn it? And is it just that so many a rich man can for a fee be buried in the church to bear witness of his own pride and his friends’ pride, while yet the poor man (that may have been as good a Christian as he and perchance a better), that can pay naught, must be buried in a corner without? ’Tis as a man looks upon it: had I but known that thou wouldst scruple so to lay wait in a church I had devised another answer for thee: but in the meanwhile have thou patience till I can persuade thee to a better mind.” + 

Now would I fain have answered Oliver that they were but lewd fellows that did dishonour the churches as did he, and that they would yet have their reward. Yet as I trusted him not, and had already once quarrelled with him, I let it pass. Thereafter he asked me to tell him how it had fared with me since we parted before Wittstock, and moreover why I had had the jester’s clothes on when I came into the camp before Magdeburg. Yet as my throat did mightily pain me, I did excuse myself and prayed him he would tell me the story of his life, that perchance might have strange happenings in it. To that did he agree, and began in this manner to tell me of his wicked life. + 