XXI
How Simplicissimus All Unawares Was Made a Married Man
Now over against my lodging there dwelt a lieutenant-colonel on half-pay, and the same had a very fair daughter of noble carriage, whose acquaintance I had long desired to make. And though at the first she seemed not such an one as I could love and no other and cleave to her forever, yet I took many a walk for her sake, and wasted many a loving look; who yet was so carefully guarded against me that never once could I come to speak with her as I would have wished, neither might boldly accost her: for I had no acquaintance with her parents, and indeed they seemed far too high placed for a lad of such low descent as I deemed myself to be. At the most I could approach her in the going in and out of church, and then would I take opportunity to draw near and with great passion would heave out a couple of sighs, wherein I was a master, though all from a feigned heart. All which she, on the other hand, received so coldly that I must well believe she was not to be fooled like any small burgher’s daughter: and the more I thought how hard ’twould be for me to compass her love, the hotter grew my desire for her.
But the lucky star which first brought me to her was even that one which the scholars wear at a certain season, in everlasting remembrance of how the three wise men were by such a star led to Bethlehem, and I took it for a good omen that such a star led me to her dwelling also. For her father sending for me, “Monsieur,” says he, “that position of neutrality which you do hold between citizens and soldiers is the cause why I have invited you hither: for I have need of an impartial witness in a matter which I have to settle between two parties.” With that I thought he had some wondrous great undertaking in hand, for papers and pens lay on the table: so I tendered him my services for all honourable ends, adding thereto that I should hold it for a great honour indeed if I were fortunate enough to do him service to his liking. Yet was the business nothing more than this (as is the usage in many places), to set up a kingdom, being as ’twas the Eve of the Three Kings: and my part was to see that all was well and truly performed and the offices distributed by lot without respect of persons. And for this weighty concern (at which his secretary also was present) my colonel must have wine and confectionery served, for he was a doughty drinker and ’twas already past the time for supper. So then must the secretary write, and I read out the names, and the young lady draw the lots while her parents looked on: and how it all happened I know not, but so I made my first acquaintance in that house: and they complaining greatly how tedious were the winter nights, gave me to understand I should, to make them pass more easily, often visit them of evenings, for otherwise they had no great pastime: which was indeed the very thing I had of long time desired.
So from that time forward (though for a while I must be on my good behaviour with the damsel) I began to play a new part, dancing on the limed twig and nibbling at the fool’s bait till both the maid and her parents must needs believe I had swallowed the hook, though as yet I had not (by a long score) any serious intent. I spent all my day in arraying myself for the night (as witches use to do): and the morrow in poring over books of love, composing from them amorous letters to my mistress, as if I dwelt a hundred leagues off or saw her but once in many years: so at last I was become a familiar of the house, and my suit not frowned upon by her parents: nay, ’twas even proposed I should teach the daughter to play the lute. So there I had free entrance, not only by night but by day also, so that I could now alter my tune and no longer sing
“On the bat’s back do I fly after sunset merrily,”
but did write a pretty enough ditty, in the which I lauded my good fortune which had granted me, after so many happy evenings, so many joyous days also wherein I could feast mine eyes on the charms of my beloved and be refreshed thereby: yet in the same song did bemoan my hard fate that made my nights so miserable and granted me not that I should spend the night, like the day, in sweet enjoyment: which, though it seemed somewhat bold, I sang to my love with adoring sighs and an enchanting melody, wherein the lute also bore its part and with me besought the maid that she would lend her aid to make my nights as happy as my days. To all which I had but a cold response: for ’twas a prudent maid and could at will give me a fitting answer to all my feigned transports, though I might devise them never so wisely. Yet was I shy of saying aught of matrimony: and if such were touched on in conversation, then would I make my speech brief and comprest. Of that my damsel’s married sister took note, and therefore barred all access for me to my mistress, so that we might not be so often together as before: for she perceived her sister was deep in love with me, and that the business would not in such fashion end well.
There is no need to recount all the follies of my courtship, seeing that the books of love are full of such. It shall suffice for the gentle reader to know that at last I was bold to kiss my mistress, and thereafter to engage in other dalliance: which much desired advances I pursued with all manner of incitements, till at length I was admitted by her at night and laid myself by her side as naturally as if I were her own. And here, as every man knoweth what on such a merry tide is wont to happen, the reader may well suppose that I dealt dishonourably with the maiden. But no; for all my purpose was defeated, and I found such resistance as I had never thought to find in any woman: for her intent was only for honourable marriage, and though I promised all that and with the most solemn oaths, yet would she grant me nothing before wedlock but only this, to lie by her: and there at length, (quite worn out with disgust,) I fell asleep. But presently thereafter was I rudely awoke: for at four o’clock of the morning there stood my colonel before my bed, a pistol in one hand and a torch in the other, and “Croat,” he cries to his servant, that stood by him also with a drawn sword, “Croat, go fetch the parson as quick as may be!” But I awaking and seeing in what danger I lay, “Alas,” thought I, “make thy peace with God before this man make an end of thee!” And ’twas all green and yellow before mine eyes, and I knew not whether I should open them or not.
“Thou lewd fellow!” says he to me, “must I find thee thus shaming of mine house? Should I do thee wrong if I break the neck of thee and of this baggage that hath been thine whore? Ah, thou beast, how can I refrain myself that I tear not thy heart from thy body and hew it in pieces and cast it for the dogs to eat?” And with that he gnashed with his teeth and rolled his eyes like a wild beast, I knowing not what to say and my bedfellow able to do naught but weep: yet at last I came to myself somewhat, and would have pleaded our innocence; but he bid me hold my peace, and now began upon fresh matter, to wit, how he had trusted me as a very different man and how I had repaid his trust with the worst treachery in the world: and thereafter came in his lady wife and began another brand-new sermon, till I would sooner have lain in a hedge of thorns: nay, I believe she had not stayed her speech for two hours or more had not the Croat returned with the parson.
Now before he came I tried once or twice to arise: but the colonel, with a fierce aspect, bade me lie still: and so I was taught how little courage a fellow hath that is caught on an ill errand, and how it fares with the heart of a thief that hath broken a house and is captured yet having stolen nothing. For I remember the good old days when, if such a colonel and two such Croats had fallen foul of me, I had made shift to put all three to flight: but now there I lay like any malingerer and had not the heart to use my tongue, let alone my fists.
“See, master parson,” quoth my colonel, “the fair sight to which I must perforce invite you, to be a witness of my shame”—and hardly had he said the word in his accustomed tone when he began again to yell hundred devils and thousand curses, till I could understand nothing of what he said save of breaking of necks and washing of hands in blood; for he foamed at the mouth like a wild boar and demeaned himself as if in truth he would take leave of his senses: I thinking every moment, “Now will he send a ball through thy head.” Yet the good parson did his best to hinder him from any rash deed whereof he might repent him afterwards: for “How now; Master Colonel,” says he, “how now! Give your own sound reason room to act, and bethink you of the old saying that to what is done and cannot be undone it behoves to give the handsomest name: for this fine young couple (which can hardly be matched in the land) be not the first, nor will be the last, to be overcome by the invincible power of love. The fault which they have committed (for a fault we must needs call it) may by themselves be easily repaired. I cannot indeed approve this way of matching: yet have these young folks deserved neither gallows nor wheel, nor hath the Herr Colonel any shame to expect if he will but keep secret and forgive this fault, which otherwise no man hath knowledge of, and so give his consent to their marriage and allow such marriage to be confirmed by public ceremony in church.”
“What?” says the colonel, “am I, instead of punishing them, to come to them cap in hand and make them my compliments? Sooner would I when the day comes have them trussed up together and drowned in the Lippe; nay, ye shall wed them here and that at once, for to this end I had ye fetcht: else will I wring the necks of both like hens.”
But as to me, my thought was, “What wilt thou do? Wilt thou eat thy leek or die? At least ’tis such a maid as thou needest not to be shamed of: and when thou thinkest of thine own lowly descent, say, art thou worthy to sit where she puts off her shoes?” Yet loud and long I swore and asseverated we had wrought no dishonour with one another, but got only for answer, we should have so behaved that none could suspect evil of us, whereas by our way of dealing we could quiet no man’s doubts. So were we married by the said clergyman, sitting up in bed, and the ceremony over, were forced to rise and to leave the house. But I, who had now recovered myself and felt a sword by my side, must crack my joke: and “Papa-in-law,” says I, “I know not why ye should carry yourself thus scurvily: when other young folk be wedded their next of kin do bring them to their bedchamber, but your worship after my wedding doth cast me forth, not only from my bed but from the house: and in place of such congratulation as he should give me on my marriage, doth grudge me even the sight of my good brother-in-law’s face and my service to him. Verily if this fashion hold, there will be few friendships bred by weddings in this world.”