XIII
Of Various Matters Which Whoever Will Know Must Either Read Them or Have Them Read to Him
Thereupon various judgments were pronounced upon me by my lord’s guests. The Secretaries were of opinion I should be counted a fool because I esteemed myself a reasoning beast, and because they that had a tile or two slipped, and yet seemed to themselves wise, were the most complete and comical fools of all. Others said, if ’twere possible to drive out of me the idea that I was a calf, or one could persuade me I was again turned into a man, I should surely be held reasonable, or at least sane enough. But my lord himself said, “I hold him for a fool because he telleth every man the truth so shamelessly; yet are his speeches so ordered that they belong to no fool.” (Now all this they spake in Latin, that I might not understand.) Then he asked me, had I studied while I was yet a man? I answered, I knew not what study was “but, dear sir,” said I further, “tell me what manner of things are these studs with which men study? Speakest thou, perchance, of the balls with which men bowl.” Then answered he they called the “mad ensign,” “What will ye with the fellow? ’a hath a devil, ’a is possessed? ’tis sure the devil talking through his mouth.” And on that my lord took occasion to ask me, since I had been turned into a calf, whether I still was accustomed to pray like other men and trusted to go to heaven. “Surely,” answered I, “yet have I my immortal human soul, which, as thou canst easily believe, will not lightly desire to come to hell again, specially since I fared therein so evilly once before. I am but changed as once was Nebuchadnezzar, and in God’s good time I might well become a man again.” “And I hope thou mayst,” said my lord, with a pretty deep sigh, whereupon I might easily judge that he repented him of having allowed me to be driven mad. “But let us hear,” he went on, “how art thou wont to pray?” So I kneeled down and raised my eyes and hands to heaven in good hermit fashion, and because my lord’s repentance which I had perceived touched my heart with exceeding comfort, I could not refrain my tears, and so to outward appearance prayed with deepest reverence, after the Paternoster, for all Christendom, for my friends and my enemies, and that God would vouchsafe to me so to live in this world that I might be worthy to praise Him in eternal bliss. My hermit had taught me such a prayer in devout and well-ordered words. At that some softhearted onlookers were also nigh to weeping, for they had great pity for me, yea, my lord’s own eyes were full of water.
After dinner my lord sends for the pastor, and to him he told all that I had uttered, and gave him to understand that he was concerned lest all was not well with me, and perchance the devil had a finger in the pie, seeing that at first I had shown myself altogether simple and ignorant yet now could utter things to make men wonder. The pastor, who knew my qualities better than any other, answered, that should have been thought on before ’twas allowed to make me a fool, for “men,” said he, “were made in the image of God, and with such, and especially with such tender youth, one must not make sport as with beasts”: yet would he never believe ’twas permitted to the evil spirit to interfere, seeing that I had ever commended myself to God with fervent prayer. Yet if against all likelihood such a thing were decreed and permitted, then had men a sore account to answer for before God, inasmuch as there would scarcely be greater sin than for one man to rob another of his reason and thus withdraw him from the praise and service of God, whereto he was chiefly created. “I gave ye beforehand my assurance,” said he, “that he had wit enough, but that he could not fit himself to the world was caused by this, that he was brought up first with his father, a rough peasant, and then with your brother-in-law in the wilderness, in all simplicity. Had folk had but a little patience with him at first, he would with time have learned a better carriage; he was but a simple, God-fearing child, such as the evil-disposed world knew not. Yet do I not doubt he can again be brought to his right mind, if we can but take from him this fantasy and bring him to believe no longer that he was turned into a calf. We read of one which did firmly believe he was changed into an earthen pot, and would beseech his friends to put him high on a shelf lest he should be trodden on and broken. Another did imagine he was a cock, and in his infirmity crowed both day and night. And yet another fancied he was already dead and a wandering spirit, and therefore would partake of no medicine nor food nor drink, till a wise physician hired two fellows which gave themselves out likewise to be spirits, yet hearty drinkers, who joined themselves to him and persuaded him that nowadays spirits were wont to eat and drink, whereby he was brought to his senses. Yea, I myself had a sick peasant in my parish, who, when I visited him, complained to me he had three or four barrels of water in his body; and could he be rid of that he trusted to be well again, and begged me either to have him ripped up, that the water might run away, or have him hung up in the smoke to dry it up. So I spoke him fair, and persuaded him I could draw off the water from him in another fashion; and with that I took a tap such as we use for wine and beer-casks, bound a strip of pig’s guts to it, and the other end I fastened to the bung hole of a great puncheon, which to that end I had had filled with water; then I pretended as if I had stuck the tap into his belly, which he had had swathed in rags lest it should burst. Then I let the water run out of the puncheon through tubes; whereat the poor creature rejoiced heartily and, throwing away his rags, was in a few days whole again. Again, one that imagined he had all manner of horse-furniture, bits and the like, in his body, was in this wise cured: for his physician, having given him a strong purge, conveyed such things into the night-stool so that the fellow must needs believe he was rid of them by the purging. So, too, they tell of one madman that believed his nose was so long that it reached to the ground: for him they hung a sausage to his nose, and cut it away by little and little till they came to the real nose: who, as soon as he felt the knife touch his flesh, cried out the nose was in its right shape again. And our good Simplicissimus can therefore be cured even as were these of whom I have spoken.”
“All this can I believe,” answered my master, “only this gives me concern, that he was before so ignorant, and now can talk of all matters, and that in such perfect fashion as one cannot easily find even among persons older, more practised, and better read than he is: for he hath told me of many properties of beasts, and described mine own person so exactly as he had been all his life in the busy world, so that I must needs wonder and hold his speeches well-nigh for an oracle or a warning of God.”
“Sir,” answered the pastor, “this may well be true and yet natural: I know that he is well read, seeing that he, as well as his hermit, went through all my books which I had, and which were not few; and because the lad hath a good memory, and is now at leisure in his mind and forgetful of his own person, therefore he can utter what aforetime he stored in his brain: and therefore I do cherish the firm hope that with time he may again be brought to right reason.”
In this wise the pastor left the Governor between hope and fear: and me and my cause he defended in the best way, and gained for me days of happiness and for himself (by the way) access to the Governor. Their crowning resolve was this, to deal with me for a time quietly; and that the pastor did more for his own sake than mine, for by going to and fro and acting as if he bestirred himself for my sake and felt great care for me, he gained the Governor’s favour, who gave him office and made him chaplain to the garrison, which in those hard times was no small matter: neither did I grudge it him.