XXIV
How Simplicissimus Blamed the World and Saw Many Idols Therein
Now at that time I had no precious possession save only a clear conscience and a right pious mind, and that clad and surrounded with the purest innocence and simplicity. Of vice I knew no more than that I had at times heard it spoken of or read of it, and if I saw any man commit such sin then was it to me a fearful and a terrible thing, I being so brought up and reared as to have the presence of God ever before my eyes and most earnestly to live according to His holy will: and inasmuch as I knew all this, I could not but compare men’s ways and works with that same will: and methought I saw naught but vileness. Lord God! How did I wonder at the first when I considered the law and the Gospel and the faithful warnings of Christ, and saw, on the contrary part, the deeds of them that gave themselves out to be His disciples and followers! In place of the straightforward dealing which every true Christian should have, I found mere hypocrisy; and besides, such numberless follies among all dwellers in the world that I must needs doubt whether I saw before me Christians or not. For though I could see well that many had a serious knowledge of God’s will: yet could I mark but little serious purpose to fulfil the same. So had I a thousand puzzles and strange thoughts in my mind, and fell into grievous difficulty upon that saying of Christ, which saith, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Nevertheless there came into my mind the words of St. Paul in the fifth chapter of Galatians, where he saith: “The works of the flesh are manifest, which are these: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,” and so on: “of the which I tell you before as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” Then I thought: every man doeth all these things openly: wherefore then should I not in this matter conclude from the apostle’s word that there shall be few that are saved?
Moreover, pride and greed with their worthy accompaniments, gorging and swilling and loose living, were a daily occupation for them of substance: yet what did seem to me most terrible of all was this shameful thing, that some, and specially soldiers, in whose case vice is not wont to be severely punished, should make of both these things, their own godlessness and God’s holy will, a mere jest. For example, I heard once an adulterer which after his deed of shame accomplished would treat thereof, and spake these godless words: “It serves the cowardly cuckold aright,” says he, “to get a pair of horns from me: and if I confess the truth, I did the thing more to vex the husband than to please the wife, and so to be revenged on them.”
“O pitiful revenge!” says one honest heart that stood by, “by which a man staineth his own conscience and gaineth the shameful name of adulterer and fornicator!”
“What! fornicator!” answered he, with a scornful laughter, “I am no fornicator because I have given this marriage a twist: a fornicator is he that the sixth commandment speaks of, where it forbids that any man get into another’s garden and nick the fruit before the owner.” How to prove that this was so to be understood, he forthwith explained according to his devil’s catechism the seventh commandment, wherein it is said, “Thou shalt not steal.” And of such words he used many, so that I sighed within myself and thought, “O God-blaspheming sinner, thou callest thyself a marriage-twister: and so then God must be a marriage-breaker, seeing that He doth separate man and wife by death.” And out of mine overflowing zeal and anger I said to him, officer though he was, “Thinkest thou not, thou sinnest more with these godless words than by thine act of adultery.” So he answered me, “Thou rascal, must I give thee a buffet or two?” Yea, and I believe I had received a handsome couple of such if the fellow had not stood in fear of my lord. So I held my peace, and thereafter I marked it was no rare case for single folk to cast eyes upon wedded folk and wedded folk upon such as were unwedded.
Now while I was yet studying, under my good hermit’s care, the way to eternal life, I much wondered why God had so straitly forbidden idolatry to his people: for I imagined, if anyone had ever known the true and eternal God, he would never again honour and pray to any other, and so in my stupid mind I resolved that this commandment was unnecessary and vain. But ah! Fool as I was, I knew not what I thought I knew: for no sooner was I come into the great world, than I marked how (in spite of this commandment) well-nigh every man had his special idol: yet some had more than the old and new heathen themselves. Some had their god in their moneybags, upon which they put all their trust and confidence: many a one had his idol at court, and trusted wholly and entirely on him: which idol was but a minion and often even such a pitiable lickspittle as his worshipper himself; for his airy godhead depended only on the April weather of a prince’s smile: others found their idol in popularity, and fancied, if they could but attain to that they would themselves be demigods. Yet others had their gods in their head, namely, those to whom the true God had granted a sound brain, so that they were able to learn certain arts and sciences: for these forgot the great Giver and looked only to the gift, in the hope that gift would procure them all prosperity. Yea, and there were many whose god was but their own belly, to which they daily offered sacrifice, as once the heathen did to Bacchus and Ceres, and when that god showed himself unkind or when human failings showed themselves in him, these miserable folk then made a god of their physician, and sought for their life’s prolongation in the apothecary’s shop, wherefrom they were more often sped on their way to death. And many fools made goddesses for themselves out of flattering harlots: these they called by all manner of outlandish names, worshipped them day and night with many thousand sighs, and made songs upon them which contained naught but praise of them, together with a humble prayer they would have mercy upon their folly and become as great fools as were their suitors.
Contrariwise were there women which had made their own beauty their idol. For this, they thought, will give me my livelihood, let God in heaven say what He will. And this idol was every day, in place of other offerings, adorned and sustained with paint, ointments, waters, powders, and the like daubs.
There too I saw some which held houses luckily situated as their gods: for they said, so long as they had lived therein had they ever had health and wealth: and many said these had tumbled in through their windows. At this folly I did more especially wonder because I would well perceive the reason why the inhabitants so prospered. I knew one man who for some years could never sleep by reason of his trade in tobacco; for to this he had given up his heart, mind and soul, which should be dedicate to God alone: and to this idol he sent up night and day a thousand sighs, for ’twas by that he made his way in life. Yet what did happen? The fool died and vanished like his own tobacco-smoke. Then thought I, O thou miserable man! Had but thy soul’s happiness and the honour of the true God been so dear to thee as thine idol, which stands upon thy shop-sign in the shape of a Brazilian, with a roll of tobacco under his arm and a pipe in his mouth, then am I sure and certain that thou hadst won a noble crown of honour to wear in the next world.
Another ass had yet more pitiful idols: for when in a great company it was being told by each how he had been fed and sustained during the great famine and scarcity of food, this fellow said in plain German: the snails and frogs had been his gods: for want of them he must have died of hunger. So I asked him what then had God Himself been to him, who had provided such insects for his sustenance. The poor creature could answer nothing, and I wondered the more because I had never read that either the old idolatrous Egyptians or the new American savages ever called such vermin their gods, as did this prater.
I once went with a person of quality into his museum, wherein were fine curiosities: but among all none pleased me better than an Ecce Homo by reason of its moving portraiture, by which it stirred the spectator at once to sympathy. By it there hung a paper picture painted in China, whereon were Chinese idols sitting in their majesty, and some in shape like devils. So the master of the house asked me which piece in this gallery pleased me most. And when I pointed to the said Ecce Homo he said I was wrong: for the Chinese picture was rarer and therefore of more value: he would not lose it for a dozen such Ecce Homos. So said I, “Sir, is your heart like to your speech?” “Surely,” said he. “Why then,” said I, “your heart’s god is that one whose picture you do confess with your mouth to be of most value.” “Fool,” says he, “ ’tis the rarity I esteem.” Whereto I replied, “Yet what can be rarer and more worthy of wonder than that God’s Son Himself suffered in the way which this picture doth declare?”