VI
How the Embassy of the Fleas Fared with Jupiter
Now methought ’twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a passion, for in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, “The reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so took Daedalus’s wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy, adulterous caperer after womankind; how canst thou then, punish the world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass Mars’s adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchastity the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber; Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander; Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged nowhere but in Augeas’s stable, which even without them stinks in the nostrils of all the world.”
“Aha;” says Jupiter, “and who would wonder if I laid aside my graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in Phalaris’s red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora’s box anew and empty it upon the rogues’ heads: then Nemesis shall wake the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves, and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then will I bind them fast with Hesiod and Homer to a pillar in hell and there have them chastised forever without pity by the Furies.”
Now while Jupiter thus spake he began to make a hunt for the fleas he had upon him: for these, as one might perceive, did plague him sore. And as he did so he cried, “Away with ye, ye little tormentors; I swear to ye by Styx ye shall never have that, that ye so earnestly desire.” So I asked him what he meant by such words. He answered, the nation of the fleas, as soon as they learned he was come on earth, had sent their ambassadors to compliment him: and there had complained to him that, though he had assigned to them the dogs’ coats as a dwelling, yet on account of certain properties common to women, some poor souls went astray and trespassed on the ladies’ furs; and such poor wandering creatures were by the women evil entreated, caught, and not only murdered, but first so miserably martyred and crushed between their fingers that it might move the heart of a stone. “Yea,” said Jupiter further, “they did present their case to me so movingly and piteously that I must needs have sympathy with them and so promised them help, yet on condition I should first hear the women: to that they objected that if ’twas allowed to the women to plead their cause and to oppose them, they knew well they with their poisonous tongues would either impose upon my goodness and loving-kindness, and outcry the fleas themselves, or by their sweet words and their beauty would befool me and lead me astray to a wrong judgment. But if I must allow the women to hunt, catch, and with the hunters’ privilege to slay them in their preserves, then their petition was that they might in future be executed in honourable wise, and either cut down with a poleaxe like oxen or snared like game, and no longer to be so scandalously crushed between the fingers and so broken on the wheel, by which means their own limbs were made instruments of torture.” “Gentlemen,” said I, “ye must be greatly tormented when they thus tyrannise over ye.” “Yea, truly,” said they, “they be so envious of us. Is it right? Can they not suffer us in their territories? for many of them so cleanse their lapdogs with brushes, combs, soap and lye, and other like things, that we are compelled to leave our fatherland and to seek other dwellings.” Thereupon I allowed them to lodge with me and to make my person feel their presence, their ways and works, that I might judge accordingly: and then the rascally crew began so to plague me that, as ye have seen, I must again be rid of them. I will give them a privilege, but only this, that the women may squeeze them and crush them as much as they will: and if I catch any so pestilent a customer I will deal with him no better.