To a Bully + 

They say, George Perry, you’re a lawyer. Well, + 

At least that’s your profession, but in fact, + 

Law’s like religion (though, the truth to tell, + 

The likeness is not otherwise exact) + 

In this, that in them both, my learned brother, + 

Profession’s one thing, practice quite another. + 

But you do practice, for the other day + 

I saw you mentioned in a case in court, + 

Cross-questioning a witness. I must say + 

You did it as a cat that loves to sport + 

With an unworthy mouse all too unwilling + 

To accept the justice of repeated killing. + 

This witness, so the tale is told to me, + 

Fatigued of your attempt upon his life⁠— + 

I mean his reputation⁠—made him free + 

With yours, affirming that you beat your wife. + 

If that is true (they say that it upset you) + 

She must be monstrous cowardly to let you! + 

You hold it right to torture men who come + 

(Heaven knows unwillingly) to aid the law, + 

So that by terror of your tongue made dumb + 

They can’t tell rightly what they heard or saw, + 

“Impeaching credibility,” you call it + 

When, seeing an honest looking head, you maul it. + 

Well, witnesses are fallible⁠—involved + 

Sometimes in scandals; and ’tis true that they + 

Are factors in the problem to be solved, + 

The judge and jury led by what they say. + 

But lawyers⁠—they are factors too, their problem + 

Being foolish clients and how best to rob them. + 

They’ve more to say than witnesses, and more + 

Important ’tis that they be truthful, too. + 

Were’t not, then, right the witness take the floor + 

And mercilessly cross-examine you? + 

Were truth your jewel (bless us! what a setting!) + 

I’ve certain questions that would set you sweating! + 

Nay, don’t be fidgeting; to ask them here + 

Were perilous, for I no license hold + 

To be a blackguard; and no judge is near + 

To jail you for replies too sharp and bold. + 

Besides, it were no easy task to shame you, + 

And till I’m paid a fee I’ll not defame you. + 

You see I lack advantages that you + 

Possess, and therefore cannot be so brave. + 

Who has, and uses, them’s respected; who + 

Has not, yet bullies, is a scurril knave⁠— + 

Though, faith, the difference is narrow, very, + 

By which a knave’s distinguished from a Perry. + 

You served, if rightly I remember, once + 

A term in the State Legislature, where + 

You figured merely as a harmless dunce, + 

Save when, ambitious, in the larger air + 

Of rhetoric you held the floor a season + 

To give yourself for sin sufficient reason. + 

Thus a great bird whose nature is in doubt + 

With difficulty rises from the earth, + 

His wide wings spreading with an effort out, + 

And shows by his unconscionable girth + 

E’er yet the agitated air insult your + 

Resentful nose, he’s but a glutted vulture. + 

Touching these matters I would fain inquire + 

If I but had you on the witness-grill, + 

Over the slow but efficacious fire + 

Of cross-examination; and I’d kill + 

The worm with quite insensible gradation, + 

And quench the fire with great deliberation. + 

What, you’re no worse than other lawyers? Well, + 

I never said you were, my little man. + 

Do you suppose I run this private Hell + 

For one small soul? ’Tis your entire clan + 

I’m trying to barbecue, despite their pleadings. + 

Get out, you brat! you hamper the proceedings! + 