Something in the Papers + 

“What’s in the paper?” Oh, it’s dev’lish dull: + 

There’s nothing happening at all⁠—a lull + 

After the war-storm. Mr. Someone’s wife + 

Killed by her lover with, I think, a knife. + 

A fire on Blank Street and some babies⁠—one, + 

Two, three or four, I don’t remember, done + 

To quite a delicate and lovely brown. + 

A husband shot by woman of the town⁠— + 

The same old story. Shipwreck somewhere south. + 

The crew, all saved⁠—or lost. Uncommon drouth + 

Makes hundreds homeless up the River Mud⁠— + 

Though, come to think, I guess it was a flood. + 

’Tis feared some bank will burst⁠—or else it won’t; + 

They always burst, I fancy⁠—or they don’t; + 

Who cares a cent?⁠—the banker pays his coin + 

And takes his chances: bullet in the groin⁠— + 

But that’s another item. Suicide⁠— + 

Fool lost his money (serve him right) and died. + 

Heigh-ho! there’s noth⁠—Jerusalem! what’s this? + 

Tom Jones has failed! My God, what an abyss + 

Of ruin!⁠—owes me seven hundred, clear! + 

Was ever such a damned disastrous year! + 